Can't stop arguing with my dying dad

[Pop Life]

I went through a very similar situation with my parent. Without going into too much detail she is mentally ill and abusive but also has a lifelong health condition that has gradually worsened and will one day kill her. As she aged her bitterness and delusions consumed her. Not only did my mental health suffer, but my physical health went into decline as well. It cost me my job, and the mental and physical strain eventually left me unable to function in day-to-day life.

 

One thing I witnessed, that your father may be experiencing as well, is called Narcissistic Collapse. Generally speaking, narcissists are adept at forcing others to give them what they want, even though those people are otherwise treated terribly by them. This is especially true while the narcissist is young, as they're able to leverage assets like their strength and good looks to more easily manipulate others. This ability starts to wane as they age and more and more people become unwilling to put up with their behavior and decide to cut them off.

 

Often the narcissist realizes what is happening, and this causes them to lash out even more, which in turn drives more people away. This is why so many unpleasant people become worse instead of better with age. They are incapable of admitting to their own faults, much less learning from them. And so the spiral only continues, becoming more destructive each time. Even on their death bed, some still try and get in one last hurtful comment as a parting shot before they pass.

 

Everybody's situation is different, but in my case I eventually was forced to realize that no amount of kindness or reason on my end will change who my parent is. She was this person for decades before I was even born, and at this point it has driven everyone away from her. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I eventually saw that the only person I could help in that situation was myself. I eventually moved out, and later left the state entirely to ensure as little contact as possible. Relationships are a two-way street. Blood is not a magic salve that ensures a healthy bond. Don't burn yourself down just to keep somebody else warm.

 

[sickening]

you dont need to get extending any branches that make you feel that you cant sleep or have a nice day when you get into fights. just because hes dying you dont have to put up with it. look at yourself and ask why you allow yourself to let him make you feel so small and work on yourself. you still have time to learn and he doesnt. thats his karma and he deserves it.

[sickening]

5 hours ago, May said:

the best advice u can be given in this situation is to simply not take his bait . If he says something argumentative , LITERALLY just stand there in silence . don’t say a single word back .

 

i started doing this with my mother and she eventually gave up trying to pick fights bc she knows it is pointless

i know this stare. children of narcissistic parents develop it as a defense mechanism, i do this when anyone shouts at me now  

[Acetone]

14 hours ago, Juanny said:

I'm not a trained professional in therapy or psychology, so of course take everything I say with a grain of salt. Your father sounds like he has some issues with narcissism, and if you haven't read any material on this subject it could be enlightening for you to start doing some digging. "Adult Children of Emotionally Unavailable Parents" is a fantastic one that my own therapist, and one of my close friends, recommended for me to read.

 

One thing that you said that really stuck out was "He's a very arrogant, selfish, short-tempered guy who has never admitted in his entire life that he is wrong about something. We've been fighting for years. For him this is normal, the next day he acts like nothing happened". (1) That he has never admitted, ever, that he is wrong about something is a toxic trait, especially in a parent, and I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. We are raised to understand our parents as adult role models, arbiters for our understanding of the world and what is right and wrong, and so growing up with one who constantly shifts the blame onto their child can be emotionally traumatic. (2) Acting like it never happened is the parent's method of continuing "business as usual" without having to acknowledge or lay out issues that are plaguing their relationship, allowing them to fester and brew resentment. You should acknowledge that this is true, and really understand that this type of relationship and this method of dealing with conflicts in a relationship is not healthy. Because he is your parent, you should take care to identify if this type of approach to relationships has been "raised within you", so to speak. 

 

This kind of dilemma is one that most of us with narcissistic / narcissistic-like parents deal with, and that is coming to terms with feelings of guilt when we don't with to engage with parents who have failed to provide us with the emotional needs that children/adult children are in need of. Know that as your parents, it is THEIR job to give you everything you need to survive and flourish in this world. It is unethical for a parent to expect anything in return for a human being they FORCED into this world by procreation, to raise them with the expectation that they can do a shitty job and expect unconditional love in return. This dimension of society is extremely problematic and an ideology that needs to be phased out. A parent needs to earn their kid's loyalty and love THROUGH unconditional love because they brought on themselves the responsibility of creating and raising another human being. 

 

If you decided today, at this moment, that you want to create boundaries between you and your father for your own mental health and well-being, you are fully in your ethical rights to do so. Also don't allow the guilt of your parent dying to blind judgement too much. It sounds horrible, but everyone's parent dies at some point and it is a fact of life that shouldn't change our analysis of our relationships whether it happens in years or in a few days. What did they do to deserve your emotional labour? This should not cloud the fact that your father should want what is best for you and has instead chosen to act selfishly, withholding emotional expressions and comfort that you desperately need now. In fact, I personally think this approach would be for the best although I understand the struggle of him dying soon, potentially, makes this hard. You should consult with a therapist (try a couple to see if there's one you vibe with best), and start to create boundaries that provide you with better health and well being. My opinion is that putting yourself under mental stress for a "default" relationship that is shitty from the onset isn't worth it. Give yourself love and be selfish for a bit so that your capacity to give it to someone who deserves it from you, will be there when it needs to be. 

Wow, reading this whole thread and it is really resonating with me. I’m currently dealing with something similar with my Greek dad. He’s really sick with cancer right now but my parents were out of control manipulative while I was growing up and they completely burned my trust to probably beyond repair. My dad had a stressful job and developed anger issues that made him extremely unpleasant. My parents could never admit fault and would always shift the blame on me. My dad especially had a palpable disdain for me and would make a huge deal ridiculing me and making a whole scene if I spilled a drink or something else trivial. He tried to push sports on me and it never stuck, and he hated that. My brother was great at sports and was the star child. My brother was doing ****** up things constantly but always only got a slap on the wrist basically while if I did the same thing I’d be punished for months. I was always the one who supposedly ruined the whole vacation over a small thing every vacation and was used for future reference on why the family can’t have nice vacations. (I couldn’t say anything in protest since I had to be so appreciative that I was even on the vacation) Everything was always blown way out of proportion and the punishment did not fit the supposed crime. They would ground me with ridiculous punishments that did more harm than good. They forced me to play football in high school, and after the season ended they still expected me to go to the weight room and train constantly in the off season. I hated it but they wouldn’t let me quit,  so I stayed after school hanging out with friends instead but pretended to go. They eventually found out, and grounded me from having a phone or hanging out with any friends and made me come straight home after school for six ******* months. That was ******* torture and killed my social life in high school just when it was starting to prosper. I was just finally starting to get invited to parties. After, I was the weird kid who was always grounded so why bother  

 

I felt alienated after that. My parents were helicopter parents that needed to know my exact location and every single person I was with at every waking moment. Most of my friends didn’t want to deal with that nonsense, and I don’t blame them. My social circle gradually shrunk, and the friends that stayed my parents didn’t approve of for one reason or another like they didn’t like the friend’s parents or something. They would make their feelings known and make it extremely difficult for me to be friends with them. My parents would push me to be friends with the kids of their friends only. Even in college, my mom had a freak out and called my dorm and my RA had to come searching for me because my mom called worrying that I was missing and I was just hanging out in the dorm with my friends 

My dad especially is extremely homophobic and I’d never dream of coming out to him or anyone in the family. My mom is obsessed with gay men but since my dad has gotten sick has become ULTRA religious and is not tolerant either. She is also the type to snoop through every drawer I have whenever she gets the chance and rat me out to my dad so I do not trust her at all. I have a huge extended family but I’ve shut down and closed myself off in getting to know them because I know whatever I say will get back to my crazy ass parents who will then use the information against me or hold stuff over my head. I’ve suppressed myself as a defense mechanism and growing up told myself that I just need to keep my head down and get the hell out as soon as I can. I went to college and since then have been living hours away from my family in another town thankfully. I only come back for holidays. I have a whole boyfriend for years and live with him but to my family we’re just college friends/roommates. But it sucks because I’ve made it so I have very little contact with anyone in my family and there is so much wasted potential. This year especially I have barely talked to or have seen anyone in my family by choice. My parents bottle everything up and sweep it under the rug so they can pose and take a million pictures to post on social media to project to their friends that they have a perfect life. I’ve gone very low contact with them yet when I do see them it’s all about posing for Instagram and making appearances for their friends. 

 

Even with the boundaries and distance I have created, I still feel like they have such a stronghold over me. it sucks because their love is not unconditional and that has ****** me up living a lie for so long for their approval. When I stop to think about where that has gotten me in life I feel stuck and behind my peers. Waiting to live my life because of my dad has gotten me nowhere and I’m pissed that I’ve missed so many opportunities because of it. I’ve been feeling helpless about this for a long time, but reflecting on everything has really opened my eyes and I realize I need to take control more. I feel stupid because I’ve been dwelling on my past instead of setting myself up for the future. Im still in my 20s and have time to turn it around though. Its just hard not having a family for guidance and support. I don’t want to become a bitter old person who didn’t accomplish anything of importance because I was too preoccupied with how I grew up. 
 

I feel so terrible for what my dad is going through and wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and I hate that my relationship is so strained. But it is so damn difficult to be there for him because he is so difficult and everything is stirred up from the past. Yet I just can’t cut off all contact. 

 

sorry to derail the thread with my own ****, but everything posted in here really spoke to me and I’m glad to not be alone in a lot of my bottled up feelings lmao

[ithinkheknowsoutsold]

4 hours ago, Acetone said:

I’ve suppressed myself as a defense mechanism and growing up told myself that I just need to keep my head down and get the hell out as soon as I can. I went to college and since then have been living hours away from my family in another town thankfully. I only come back for holidays. I have a whole boyfriend for years and live with him but to my family we’re just college friends/roommates. But it sucks because I’ve made it so I have very little contact with anyone in my family and there is so much wasted potential. This year especially I have barely talked to or have seen anyone in my family by choice.

This is so sad to read.

[Theshigo Washidu]

22 hours ago, infrared said:

Let this man go - just because he’s your dad doesn’t mean he’s a father. Once he’s dead sure you may feel sad, but you’ll also feel relief. Start investing in your future.  He doesn’t care about you so why are you putting so much energy in this! If this is the life he’s been living, it’s not suddenly going to change. 

!!!!

 

 

Don't bother making his "dreams" come true either. Focus on yourself and your wants and needs.

Not trying to be judgmental, but if he was wasting the money required to build the village house during his younger years, it shouldn't be up to OP to clean up the mess.

[theweekend]

atp I would just say it's his choice your company with your rules or the place you've got beaten up to wake up, to eat, to sleep,... well he chooses.

somehow at this late stage of life I wouldn't waste my energy on it tbh even if it was parents of mine.

 

glad they're not like this.

[Casino Oasis]

16 hours ago, Acetone said:

Wow, reading this whole thread and it is really resonating with me. I’m currently dealing with something similar with my Greek dad. He’s really sick with cancer right now but my parents were out of control manipulative while I was growing up and they completely burned my trust to probably beyond repair. My dad had a stressful job and developed anger issues that made him extremely unpleasant. My parents could never admit fault and would always shift the blame on me. My dad especially had a palpable disdain for me and would make a huge deal ridiculing me and making a whole scene if I spilled a drink or something else trivial. He tried to push sports on me and it never stuck, and he hated that. My brother was great at sports and was the star child. My brother was doing ****** up things constantly but always only got a slap on the wrist basically while if I did the same thing I’d be punished for months. I was always the one who supposedly ruined the whole vacation over a small thing every vacation and was used for future reference on why the family can’t have nice vacations. (I couldn’t say anything in protest since I had to be so appreciative that I was even on the vacation) Everything was always blown way out of proportion and the punishment did not fit the supposed crime. They would ground me with ridiculous punishments that did more harm than good. They forced me to play football in high school, and after the season ended they still expected me to go to the weight room and train constantly in the off season. I hated it but they wouldn’t let me quit,  so I stayed after school hanging out with friends instead but pretended to go. They eventually found out, and grounded me from having a phone or hanging out with any friends and made me come straight home after school for six ******* months. That was ******* torture and killed my social life in high school just when it was starting to prosper. I was just finally starting to get invited to parties. After, I was the weird kid who was always grounded so why bother  

 

I felt alienated after that. My parents were helicopter parents that needed to know my exact location and every single person I was with at every waking moment. Most of my friends didn’t want to deal with that nonsense, and I don’t blame them. My social circle gradually shrunk, and the friends that stayed my parents didn’t approve of for one reason or another like they didn’t like the friend’s parents or something. They would make their feelings known and make it extremely difficult for me to be friends with them. My parents would push me to be friends with the kids of their friends only. Even in college, my mom had a freak out and called my dorm and my RA had to come searching for me because my mom called worrying that I was missing and I was just hanging out in the dorm with my friends 

My dad especially is extremely homophobic and I’d never dream of coming out to him or anyone in the family. My mom is obsessed with gay men but since my dad has gotten sick has become ULTRA religious and is not tolerant either. She is also the type to snoop through every drawer I have whenever she gets the chance and rat me out to my dad so I do not trust her at all. I have a huge extended family but I’ve shut down and closed myself off in getting to know them because I know whatever I say will get back to my crazy ass parents who will then use the information against me or hold stuff over my head. I’ve suppressed myself as a defense mechanism and growing up told myself that I just need to keep my head down and get the hell out as soon as I can. I went to college and since then have been living hours away from my family in another town thankfully. I only come back for holidays. I have a whole boyfriend for years and live with him but to my family we’re just college friends/roommates. But it sucks because I’ve made it so I have very little contact with anyone in my family and there is so much wasted potential. This year especially I have barely talked to or have seen anyone in my family by choice. My parents bottle everything up and sweep it under the rug so they can pose and take a million pictures to post on social media to project to their friends that they have a perfect life. I’ve gone very low contact with them yet when I do see them it’s all about posing for Instagram and making appearances for their friends. 

 

Even with the boundaries and distance I have created, I still feel like they have such a stronghold over me. it sucks because their love is not unconditional and that has ****** me up living a lie for so long for their approval. When I stop to think about where that has gotten me in life I feel stuck and behind my peers. Waiting to live my life because of my dad has gotten me nowhere and I’m pissed that I’ve missed so many opportunities because of it. I’ve been feeling helpless about this for a long time, but reflecting on everything has really opened my eyes and I realize I need to take control more. I feel stupid because I’ve been dwelling on my past instead of setting myself up for the future. Im still in my 20s and have time to turn it around though. Its just hard not having a family for guidance and support. I don’t want to become a bitter old person who didn’t accomplish anything of importance because I was too preoccupied with how I grew up. 
 

I feel so terrible for what my dad is going through and wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and I hate that my relationship is so strained. But it is so damn difficult to be there for him because he is so difficult and everything is stirred up from the past. Yet I just can’t cut off all contact. 

 

sorry to derail the thread with my own ****, but everything posted in here really spoke to me and I’m glad to not be alone in a lot of my bottled up feelings lmao

Thank you for sharing your story with us  I hope it's helped you in some way. You deserve peace 

[UnusualBoy]

Sad you go through this but honestly he won't change, he's old and stubborn. My advise? Move out, if he wants to be consumed by his misery let him be, otherwise he'll drag you down with him and one day he'll be gone but you'll stay with traumas that may never go away. You're always doing your best to please him over something that he may not even thank you for, just leave that toxic place and visit in holidays and such if you want, do it for your mental health.