Hot Volcano Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 (edited) My dad has a heart condition, he's pretty old (almost 75), basically he could die any moment. He's a very arrogant, selfish, short-tempered guy who has never admitted in his entire life that he is wrong about something. We've been fighting for years. For him this is normal, the next day he acts like nothing happened. But for me, it leaves some consequences. If we argued at night, I can't fall asleep, I'm overthinking, feeling guilty etc. Whenever I'm going out with my friends he has something to say about it, whenever I'm traveling somewhere, always some negative stuff like I'm gonna spend all my money that night/on that trip even tho I'm investing prettty much all of my money to his dream house at the village, the house he was never able to build since he spent money on other useless stuff, so now when he's dying I wanna make his dream come true, instead of focusing on my future, saving that money for myself, I'm investing all of it for that house. Sure, when he dies, he's gonna leave me that house and thats his argument "you are not doing this for me, you are doing it for yourself" when in reality I would never spend this much money on a freakin house when for example I need a new car to cut the story short, it's starting to leave mental consequences. Tomorrow I have to work and I already know my day will be ruined and I won't stop thinking about it. What if he dies this week and we just had this massive fight and I said to him that maybe it will be better for the entire family after he dies. It's killing me, but most of the times its SO ******* hard to control myself. I've been keeping all of this stuff for YEARS, every since I was a kid. Before, when he wasnt sick, if I even dared to say something to him he would turn agressive, start hitting me etc. Now he is an old man, who has slow reflexes and has limited movement so ofc it's a different situation, but that just makes it worse after the fight - I'm yelling and insulting my sick and old father. Ofc I've been thinking about moving out for YEARS, but his condition is getting worse each year, I can't leave him and mom alone. I just don't know what to do anymore, I love him and want him to leave this world a happy, loved man, but he is making it SO ******* hard.... Edited December 25, 2022 by Hot Volcano
ontherocks Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 That's when you know you have Balkan parents
Cloudy Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 My parents, specially my mother have been awful since I can remember and I've just come to peace that some people are simply toxic, selfish and manipulative. Awful parents overall. I'm not in any place to suggest anything but, on one side, I would try to simply not engage with him because from my point of view that kind of people it's just what they want, you'll be more relaxed and not as aggitated, because quite honestly it's no use wasting breath with these kind of individuals, it only leaves you more upset, sad and angry. On the other side, if you really want to give him peace whatever he has left just engage the necessary so he doesn't have the chance to start any argument about your life. Maybe try to distract him with something he likes, or that you both like, to at least make the time you both have left be a nice closer for both. Maybe you can just simply have a calm talk and make him understand that arguing with him makes you feel sad and down and that maybe you could both try to not engage in that negativity and simply talk it out.
Richmond Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 5 minutes ago, ontherocks said: That's when you know you have Balkan parents Or any Eastern-European parents lol. I’m going through the exact same with my dad
May Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 the best advice u can be given in this situation is to simply not take his bait . If he says something argumentative , LITERALLY just stand there in silence . don’t say a single word back . i started doing this with my mother and she eventually gave up trying to pick fights bc she knows it is pointless
The Next Day Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 (edited) You're draining yourself to fulfil impossible expectations. Your father is leaving more and more mental scars that will stay with you even after his death. I understand you don't want to leave him, but I think some boundaries are definetly needed. You have your own life as well and you can't give yourself up for a person who's not able to appreciate the sacrifices you make. Edit: Let me just add that I think what the other users suggesting is worth a try. But don't just swallow your pride when he's baiting you to fight, let your feelings out when you're with other people. Edited December 25, 2022 by The Next Day
Bosque Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 Just ignore him and walk away when you feel a fight brewing. Limit your interactions with him to anything that’s pleasant and that you can talk about without either of you flying off the handle. Tell him clearly “I’m not interested into getting into any pointless fights with you, for the sake of both our sanity” and leave the room
infrared Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 (edited) Let this man go - just because he’s your dad doesn’t mean he’s a father. Once he’s dead sure you may feel sad, but you’ll also feel relief. Start investing in your future. He doesn’t care about you so why are you putting so much energy in this! If this is the life he’s been living, it’s not suddenly going to change. Edited December 25, 2022 by infrared
harwee Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 Personality and behavioral changes is part of aging. Possibly some cognitive decline there too which contributes to the agitation and anxiety. Tbh typical behavior changes of people in that age. You just have to be there and ride it out. You can love him without trying to change him. Its sad but part of old age.
Bloodflowers. Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 He is asking for a very expensive wish, he should be grateful of you, not the material things. Some parents are simply toxic, if anything, your father should have some self-reflecting to do as he takes his final breathes. You should focus on yourself and your future tbh
Cain Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 53 minutes ago, Hot Volcano said: I just don't know what to do anymore, I love him and want him to leave this world a happy, loved man, but he is making it SO ******* hard.... That’s not on you baby, that’s entirely on him and how he’s behaved his entire life and how he’s treated people And it seems like he hasn’t been doing a good job. Ofcourse if you want to you should take care of your sick dad, but if he is truly as arrogant and selfish as you say he’s not going to leave this world happy and loved and there’s nothing you can do about it
Cain Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 27 minutes ago, Juanny said: I'm not a trained professional in therapy or psychology, so of course take everything I say with a grain of salt. Your father sounds like he has some issues with narcissism, and if you haven't read any material on this subject it could be enlightening for you to start doing some digging. "Adult Children of Emotionally Unavailable Parents" is a fantastic one that my own therapist, and one of my close friends, recommended for me to read. One thing that you said that really stuck out was "He's a very arrogant, selfish, short-tempered guy who has never admitted in his entire life that he is wrong about something. We've been fighting for years. For him this is normal, the next day he acts like nothing happened". (1) That he has never admitted, ever, that he is wrong about something is a toxic trait, especially in a parent, and I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. We are raised to understand our parents as adult role models, arbiters for our understanding of the world and what is right and wrong, and so growing up with one who constantly shifts the blame onto their child can be emotionally traumatic. (2) Acting like it never happened is the parent's method of continuing "business as usual" without having to acknowledge or lay out issues that are plaguing their relationship, allowing them to fester and brew resentment. You should acknowledge that this is true, and really understand that this type of relationship and this method of dealing with conflicts in a relationship is not healthy. Because he is your parent, you should take care to identify if this type of approach to relationships has been "raised within you", so to speak. This kind of dilemma is one that most of us with narcissistic / narcissistic-like parents deal with, and that is coming to terms with feelings of guilt when we don't with to engage with parents who have failed to provide us with the emotional needs that children/adult children are in need of. Know that as your parents, it is THEIR job to give you everything you need to survive and flourish in this world. It is unethical for a parent to expect anything in return for a human being they FORCED into this world by procreation, to raise them with the expectation that they can do a shitty job and expect unconditional love in return. This dimension of society is extremely problematic and an ideology that needs to be phased out. A parent needs to earn their kid's loyalty and love THROUGH unconditional love because they brought on themselves the responsibility of creating and raising another human being. If you decided today, at this moment, that you want to create boundaries between you and your father for your own mental health and well-being, you are fully in your ethical rights to do so. Also don't allow the guilt of your parent dying to blind judgement too much. It sounds horrible, but everyone's parent dies at some point and it is a fact of life that shouldn't change our analysis of our relationships whether it happens in years or in a few days. What did they do to deserve your emotional labour? This should not cloud the fact that your father should want what is best for you and has instead chosen to act selfishly, withholding emotional expressions and comfort that you desperately need now. In fact, I personally think this approach would be for the best although I understand the struggle of him dying soon, potentially, makes this hard. You should consult with a therapist (try a couple to see if there's one you vibe with best), and start to create boundaries that provide you with better health and well being. My opinion is that putting yourself under mental stress for a "default" relationship that is shitty from the onset isn't worth it. Give yourself love and be selfish for a bit so that your capacity to give it to someone who deserves it from you, will be there when it needs to be. Whew ALL of this
Arrows Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 Everything you just typed here - maybe you could tell him that?
JoeAg Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 58 minutes ago, ontherocks said: That's when you know you have Balkan parents or jewish parents tbh, these tales sound awfully familiar to certain parts of my family and many of my childhood friends
Grumpy Cat Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 14 minutes ago, Arrows said: Everything you just typed here - maybe you could tell him that? No, it's useless. I have a dad just like OP. Boomers are arogant pricks. It's like yelling to a wall but with a guilt trip afterwards. It only makes everything worse. I tried to talk some sense into my dad but he only got more arrogant, cruel, calculated and plays the ''I'm old and I'll die any second'' card which works and he knows it. Sorry OP, but boomers are cruel. But it's catch 22 u know. Cuz he might live like...just one more year or 10 or 20 or more. Then you can think to yourself-- I can suck up and suffer just 1 more year or 5. Yeah but what if he lives 10 or more years? You'll get old too not just him Moving out and going online with him is tricky af too. If i dont answer my skype immediately, the second he demands- ill get 30 missed calls per minute
EtherealCat Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 (edited) maybe its time to just tell him everything, let it all out, who knows how he will respond to it all but at least you wont have it bottled up inside, gnawing away at you anymore. Edited December 25, 2022 by EtherealCat
ontherocks Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 1 hour ago, Richmond said: Or any Eastern-European parents lol. I’m going through the exact same with my dad 40 minutes ago, JoeAg said: or jewish parents tbh, these tales sound awfully familiar to certain parts of my family and many of my childhood friends I am noticing some resemblence as well
RunUpDoneUp Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 Old people short of attacking you don't deserve much worry tbh. At that age, anger and being a nuisance is all most straight men can muster, so treat him like he should be treated; like the lady on the bus who talks to the same empty spaces everyday.
Richmond Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 50 minutes ago, JoeAg said: or jewish parents tbh, these tales sound awfully familiar to certain parts of my family and many of my childhood friends 10 minutes ago, ontherocks said: I am noticing some resemblence as well I'm an Eastern European Jew, so it's a 1-2 punch for me
ichabe Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 You must never heard about Asian parents. To be frankly honest, just let out your anger in front of him. Tell him you have had been sufferings all this time. It's a bit hard but it's worth it.
ontherocks Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Richmond said: I'm an Eastern European Jew, so it's a 1-2 punch for me Fair enough. My family is muslim from Bosnia and Hercegovina. Although they are not practicing the religion, it's more like a cultural thing for them, which is ironically something they do have in common not only with many of their fellow countrymen, but also millions of Jews from around the world Edited December 25, 2022 by ontherocks
WildOne Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 If there’s any world in which you can get him to do a medically supervised psychedelic trip that honesty could solve a lot of problems. Other than that, therapy for yourself and family therapy if he’ll go. Sorry you’re going through such a hard time with him.
Europe Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 Just question his statements when he criticizes you, because based on your words he is just spouting hateful nonsense while being an ignorant idiot, so you should be able to handle him by repeatedly poking holes in his logic. Like when he says "you are wasting all your money" just ask "why"? "why do you think you know my finances better than me", "so what", "and what about it?" etc. Just be disrespectful and belligerent but always in question form so you annoy him while challenging his intellect at the same time. People don't like it when you make them think so he will do it less.
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