Advice needed. Boyfriend is acting suspicious and I need advice on what to do.

[MrPiggyMoka]

@Badgalbriel Damn that is some amazing restraint and understanding from your part, I’m also trying to be like this more in the future, because I truly believe we as humans we needs some attention outside of the relationship or maybe some threesomes here and there to keep it healthy, but it’s very hard for me to allow this tho  I’m proud of you.

[Moloko Plus]

Him saying that they exchanged dick pics is him just trying to absolve himself of some of the guilt he feels me thinks.

[#Beautiful]

4 hours ago, godmess said:

Why run to atrl and reddit to make a thread about your bfs sneaky behaviour if you're so good with your unconventional relationship lol. It's not narrow minded or heteronormative to want your partner to stop engaging in sexual ways with other people if they're dating you, that's why it's called a commitment. What matters is not setting yourself up for self betrayal by allowing your relationship to have flimsy rules and weak values. Look how the bf is HIDING and blocking their partner so they don't see what they're getting up to... but it's all good? Lol get real.

drag it

[znake]

This thread still going 

 

It looks like this wasn’t the first time it happened and your are used to this

 

 

 

 

 

 

[PoisonPill]

7 hours ago, MrPiggyMoka said:

@Badgalbriel Damn that is some amazing restraint and understanding from your part, I’m also trying to be like this more in the future, because I truly believe we as humans we needs some attention outside of the relationship or maybe some threesomes here and there to keep it healthy, but it’s very hard for me to allow this tho  I’m proud of you.

I've been evolving in this way also. When I was younger and less mature, I saw the Christian heterosexual model was the only true legitimate one, and looked down on gay couples who practiced nonmonogamy. It made me toxically jealous and I constantly looked for my boyfriends to fail my imaginary expectations so I could exact revenge.

 

After spending my 20s in series of failed relationships, I tried to adopt a more realistic view of human nature and desire. I've learned to separate sex and chemical bonds from love and emotional bonds. And I've expanded my scope of what a happy and functional relationship looks like. I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable with a fully open relationship, but since taking a more realistic and understanding view I'm now in the happiest, most honest relationship of my life  

[Pierrot]

9 hours ago, godmess said:

Why run to atrl and reddit to make a thread about your bfs sneaky behaviour if you're so good with your unconventional relationship lol. It's not narrow minded or heteronormative to want your partner to stop engaging in sexual ways with other people if they're dating you, that's why it's called a commitment. What matters is not setting yourself up for self betrayal by allowing your relationship to have flimsy rules and weak values. Look how the bf is HIDING and blocking their partner so they don't see what they're getting up to... but it's all good? Lol get real.

Thank you!! Been reading this thread and some of the takes in here are god-awful. 

 

You can make whatever excuses you want but all successful relationships are built on trust and communication. Going behind your partner's back and intentionally hiding things from them is grounds for ending the relationship, especially things like this.

[MrPiggyMoka]

21 minutes ago, PoisonPill said:

I've been evolving in this way also. When I was younger and less mature, I saw the Christian heterosexual model was the only true legitimate one, and looked down on gay couples who practiced nonmonogamy. It made me toxically jealous and I constantly looked for my boyfriends to fail my imaginary expectations so I could exact revenge.

 

After spending my 20s in series of failed relationships, I tried to adopt a more realistic view of human nature and desire. I've learned to separate sex and chemical bonds from love and emotional bonds. And I've expanded my scope of what a happy and functional relationship looks like. I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable with a fully open relationship, but since taking a more realistic and understanding view I'm now in the happiest, most honest relationship of my life  

Yassss sis i am doing the same thing I didn't like myself at all being so jealous about small things, making myself stressed and now that i am more honest with myself and my partner i feel much more at ease to be honest.

 

I am not sure about an open relationship as well, but i definitely i am changing a lot regarding this aspect.

 

I am happy for you!

[LoveInStereo]

Some of you need to stop forcing your views onto other people. Monogamy is unrealistic for you. Just because that’s your experience, doesn’t make it everybody else’s. You’re not more enlightened or wise because you’re poly. It’s like finding out you’re celiac & telling everybody with ears to avoid gluten at all costs. The world isn’t black & white, there’s no 1 path to happiness

[WERKER]

Looks like you'll have to learn the hard way when you find out your boyfriends been sleeping around either by STDs, finding evidence of walking in on him hooking up with someone else. Good luck.

[HeavyMetalAura]

Okay I see this thread has sort of evolved into a new topic but

 

Monogamy is NOT heteronormative or a product of heterosexuality, nor even of Christianity (it undoubtedly has ties to and is promoted by these institutions, obviously, but is not created by them). Many animal species practice monogamy (and many do not), and the evidence over whether or not its "natural" or a "social construct" for humans is mixed and inconclusive at best. The majority of humans who seek romantic relationships want monogamy - for some it is a sacrifice, for others its very easy - but it's completely normal and valid, just as much for gay atheists as it is straight religious people. This weird shaming of people and lumping them as "boring Christian housewives" or "heternormative" is so ridiculous. It's totally fine if you prefer polyamory, want an open relationship, and find monogamy doesn't work for you, but there's nothing wrong with practicing it. 

 

On the other hand, if @Badgalbriel and his bf find that sharing d pics, threesomes, etc is an acceptable part of what their monogamous relationship looks like, that's their business and their rules. Every relationship is different. 

Edited December 18, 2022 by HeavyMetalAura

[Badgalbriel]

45 minutes ago, HeavyMetalAura said:

On the other hand, if @Badgalbriel and his bf find that sharing d pics, threesomes, etc is an acceptable part of what their monogamous relationship looks like, that's their business and their rules. Every relationship is different. 

yeah, online activity was never an issue here. The issue was the lying and hiding things from me. 

[PoisonPill]

3 hours ago, LoveInStereo said:

Some of you need to stop forcing your views onto other people. Monogamy is unrealistic for you. Just because that’s your experience, doesn’t make it everybody else’s. You’re not more enlightened or wise because you’re poly. It’s like finding out you’re celiac & telling everybody with ears to avoid gluten at all costs. The world isn’t black & white, there’s no 1 path to happiness

"Forcing your views onto other people"  Who is being forced to enter a non-monagamous relationship?  

[State of Grace.]

4 hours ago, HeavyMetalAura said:

Monogamy is NOT heteronormative or a product of heterosexuality, nor even of Christianity (it undoubtedly has ties to and is promoted by these institutions, obviously, but is not created by them). Many animal species practice monogamy (and many do not), and the evidence over whether or not its "natural" or a "social construct" for humans is mixed and inconclusive at best. The majority of humans who seek romantic relationships want monogamy - for some it is a sacrifice, for others its very easy - but it's completely normal and valid, just as much for gay atheists as it is straight religious people. This weird shaming of people and lumping them as "boring Christian housewives" or "heternormative" is so ridiculous. It's totally fine if you prefer polyamory, want an open relationship, and find monogamy doesn't work for you, but there's nothing wrong with practicing it. 

 

Thank you sis. 

 

I'm all for people doing whatever tf they want and I do support them if they want poly/open relationships, but we have to stop this narrative that monogamous relationships aren't healthy and natural or that two gay guys cannot be happy in a lifelong 100% mono relationship. This belief has been taking over our community and its just...crazy

[Giancor]

Why do you gays are so ******* weird

[HeavyMetalAura]

10 minutes ago, State of Grace. said:

Thank you sis. 

 

I'm all for people doing whatever tf they want and I do support them if they want poly/open relationships, but we have to stop this narrative that monogamous relationships aren't healthy and natural or that two gay guys cannot be happy in a lifelong 100% mono relationship. This belief has been taking over our community and its just...crazy

It's giving projection. It's always someone who claims to be in a happy non-monogamous relationship who shames monogamous people and acts as though they are un-evolved. That's not to say you can't have a happy non-monogamous relationship - you certainly can - but if these users who claim to have open relationships were as happy in them as they claim, they wouldn't feel the need to look down on those who choose to have closed ones. They're really telling on themselves. 

[State of Grace.]

12 minutes ago, HeavyMetalAura said:

It's giving projection. It's always someone who claims to be in a happy non-monogamous relationship who shames monogamous people and acts as though they are un-evolved. That's not to say you can't have a happy non-monogamous relationship - you certainly can - but if these users who claim to have open relationships were as happy in them as they claim, they wouldn't feel the need to look down on those who choose to have closed ones. They're really telling on themselves. 

[collin]

Hopefully OP is not taking these responses too seriously because this thread reeks of insecurity. This doesn’t have to be a sign of a failing relationship.  

[Blankspace2010]

Polyamory is superficial and is based on instant gratification. Just like the gay community. So it’s no surprise gays try to rationalise it with some kind of higher intelligence when it’s truly the lowest form of civilised behaviour and demonstrates lack of control over your primitive self. 

[Blankspace2010]

Btw OP, he’s cheating on you. These behaviours he’s displaying are a deeper need for validation that needs to be healed through therapy and years of self reflection. If you’re willing to stick with him through many failed attempts at Monogamy and many relapses of selfish behaviour throughout the years while he gets help - then stick with him. But give him the open mind and space to grow. It’s not fair on him if you don’t support him through his trauma and hurt. This type of superficial gratification comes from trauma that needs addressing. Good luck!

[JonginBey]

You’re a fool.

 

[PoisonPill]

5 minutes ago, Blankspace2010 said:

Polyamory is superficial and is based on instant gratification. Just like the gay community. So it’s no surprise gays try to rationalise it with some kind of higher intelligence when it’s truly the lowest form of civilised behaviour and demonstrates lack of control over your primitive self. 

Ah, there it is. Any discussion of non-monogamy is always one deviation away from the homophobia jumping out.

[youkneekorn]

17 hours ago, Diocles said:

I’m just here for @Badgalbriel insta and nudes

I would like to see that too. And her BF igloo he is in great shape now. Shallow, I know. But that’s all I want to see. 

[Worm]

19 hours ago, godmess said:

Why run to atrl and reddit to make a thread about your bfs sneaky behaviour if you're so good with your unconventional relationship lol. It's not narrow minded or heteronormative to want your partner to stop engaging in sexual ways with other people if they're dating you, that's why it's called a commitment. What matters is not setting yourself up for self betrayal by allowing your relationship to have flimsy rules and weak values. Look how the bf is HIDING and blocking their partner so they don't see what they're getting up to... but it's all good? Lol get real.

This one's a doozy so let's break it down

 

19 hours ago, godmess said:

It's not narrow minded or heteronormative to want your partner to stop engaging in sexual ways with other people if they're dating you

Agree. Totally valid and there's nothing wrong with it.

 

19 hours ago, godmess said:

that's why it's called a commitment.

Here's where the trouble starts. This statement is based on the premise that commitment is only possible where there is complete sexual exclusivity between both partners, which is both narrow-minded and heteronormative. You're effectively saying that commitment in a relationship means this one thing - complete sexual exclusivity - and any relationship that does not have that is therefore not a committed relationship.

 

The implication is that non-exclusive relationships are less valid/less successful than exclusive ones.

 

19 hours ago, godmess said:

What matters is not setting yourself up for self betrayal by allowing your relationship to have flimsy rules and weak values

  Again, this statement is based on several premises that are rooted in narrow-minded and heteronormative thinking:

1. Entering a non-exclusive relationship is an act of "self betrayal"
2. Non-exclusive relationships have "flimsy rules" (which itself is based on the premise that relationships need rules to be successful and that those rules need to be rigid)
3. Non-exclusive relationships have "weak values"

Non-exclusive relationships are capable of having very strong values (loving someone and respecting their autonomy enough to let them have sexual encounters with other people, knowing that this will bring them joy whilst trusting that their commitment to you will be unwavering). Non-exclusive relationships are also capable of having strong rules about what is permissible vs what is not permissible (just anchored in a different position to where those rules would be in traditional relationships). Non-exclusive relationships can also have no or very few rules, and still be successful and valid.

 

I think that when you strip away the heteronormative and narrow-minded premises underlying your reply, you do have a valid point - that betrayal can in some circumstances be more likely in the context of a non-exclusive relationship where there is more fluidity about what is allowed and not the comfort of hard and fast rules to fall back on - but hopefully you can see that there are ways to make that point without also making so many assertions that monogamous relationships are inherently better or more valid than non-monogamous relationships. 

 

 

[Machete]

This thread turning into a referendum on polyamory 

[Lose My Breath]

It’s kind of confusing that you were super concerned about him and this guy, and you’ve learned that they’ve exchanged nudes, but suddenly you’re okay with it, especially after he’s hid it from you? 
 

Are you sure you’re truly okay with him and this other guy communicating like this? It wouldn’t have seemed like you would’ve been earlier in the thread.