discussion What would you do in my situation?

[A.R.L]

They had things in common (used to live together) they had a pet together which is another separation that isn't easy to deal with as the pet lives with his ex, maybe he  probably already told him he would move to another city if things don’t work out for them again, and this is what happened in the end so he takes the blame. Maybe he’s someone with morals who respects anyone he's spent an amount of time with, but that doesn't mean he loves him. I know this kind of people.

 

Forget about his feelings towards his ex, who is supposed to still be his friend anyway and just focus on whether or not he enjoys being in a relationship with you, if yes, fine if not, you better rethink the situation.

Edited December 11, 2022 by A.R.L

[Blankspace2010]

He got into the relationship with you far too soon. You could be a rebound to help him process his grief. Attachments even if he dumped his ex, take months and time to disappear. You’re going to end up hurt. I wouldn’t dump him but I would have the very difficult, upfront and honest conversation with him. Ask him the hard truths; does he regret leaving his ex? Does he still love him? Does he miss him? 
 

In another note - I don’t know how you “accidentally” clicked into a group chat, scrolled, and found texts between him and his friends. You’ve crossed a line here, breaching his private space. 
 

TBH the whole relationship has started out toxic and with conditions on autonomy. A relationship should be a trusting partnership without dependency. This does not sound like it. 

[A.R.L]

It's true that you should ask him about the situation tho without focusing on his ex, if he really loves you, he'll explain it all to you without hurting ur feelings, if he avoids it or feels lost answering the question, that's a red flag

[Selegend]

Update: I broke up exactly 2 weeks ago. Couldn't handle it. 

 

He ex was a way less relevant topic, he even came back to the city for some days and nothing weird happened.

The last weird thing about him that happened was the reason this thread was created, months ago. 

But even with this being a good thing and that in theory would "resolve" everything, what i unfortunatly saw coming back then happened.

 

Since i didn't feel safe with my relationship with him, everything started going downfall. It actually made me like him less and less each week. Maybe it was a mental gymnastics my brain made so i would be less hurt? Maybe. I really think my brain made me think we could end anytime and that made me kinda sabotage the relationship. But the truth is that i was unable to see a future with him for more than 1 month already and that made me end things. 

 

Maybe after some months or even years we eventually get back together with different conditions, but now i wasn't even sure if i still liked him that much. I miss him, but i wasn't happy with him. I wasn't happy at all. 

 

That's it! Thanks for the advices everyone gave me, we had some convos during this months we were still together, but we both were unable to get it right. 

Thing is i was already worn out of this relationship in such an early stage of it, where everything still should be "easy" and that made me actually lose interest to still be with him. He knows it, he wanted to try more, but he gets why i'm worn out and respect it. We're "ok". Again, thanks guys! 

Edited February 24, 2023 by Selegend

[hypnodemiluv]

On 12/7/2022 at 3:38 PM, Selegend said:

Hey ATRLs, i need help. 

 

So i'm (25) and have a new boyfriend (27), we've been making out since June and we're oficially boyfriends since the end of September. 

We started making out 3 days after he ended a 2 years old relationship where they lived together, he was the one that ended it. It was a very toxic but close relationship. 

 

When we were just making out, his Ex made several efforts for them to get back in the relationship, it didn't work. They had a "one  night relapse" when they're over for just like 2 weeks and that was it, my now boyfriend told me some weeks after that this had happened. I didn't mind cuz at that time i was also going out with other people, since it was just our beggining and i knew his relationship was very recent i didn't want to rush things so we stayed like 2 months together but making out with other people and then we changed to just us, boyfriends. His Ex always made efforts to be very present, since they've lived together at one point of their relationship, he always went there after they were already over to see their pet that was very very sick (he's better now, thankfully), or created excuses that he needed to go there to get some fortinures to his new place and etc, he was always around him, and when they were together, he always talked about how much he loved him, wanted to get back and etc.

 

But then he tried to force kiss my "at that time, close to being a boyfriend" man and with that act my now bf decided they shouldn't see each other at all cuz his ex wasn't respecting that they were over -- that was like 2 weeks before we got official.

They've stopped seeing each other completely, so it has been more than 2 months. 

 

Now, his ex moved to another city and i accidently read a text of him in a group chat with his closest friends that since his ex moved he's feeling more and more that this is it, they're over and he's been sometimes thinking the "what if", since his ex tried to get back with him so many times. He says in the text that he doesn't regret being over, he knows that it was the best for him, but that he can't help it but having the "what if" feeling. I find it disrespectful since we're together. 

Since his ex moved  to a far away city, he has been mistaking our names too, something that had never happened before. So it's 100% clear that his ex is on his mind. 

What should i do?

It's such a ****** up situation cuz he literally "chose me" when he had everything to get back with his ex, and now that his ex is far away he has been thinking of his ex constantly. 

I should trust that this is just a phase since his ex is now far away and it's a human feeling and that it will pass

or should i have a hard conversation with him that will maybe even led us to an end? i really need help, i'm so confused. 

He always showed his commitment with me, his family absolute loves me, he makes several love statements but it's so weird to be with someone whey you've literally read that he's with the "what if" feeling. 

 

My friend that lives far away from me thinks i should end things but other friend that also knows the situation and see us every weekend feels that he really likes me and she thinks it's just a phase and it's human and i should keep going cuz when he could chose his ex he chose me and now it's just a self-sabotage by my boyfriend, since he can't have it anymore he's feeling the "what if", a self-sabotage mindsent but that it will pass. 

 

what should i do ughhh

 

 

 

Omg that ex is similar to Selena 

Jokes aside i think you should wait some time… stay strong!