discussion What would you do in my situation?

[Selegend]

Hey ATRLs, i need help. 

 

So i'm (25) and have a new boyfriend (27), we've been making out since June and we're oficially boyfriends since the end of September. 

We started making out 3 days after he ended a 2 years old relationship where they lived together, he was the one that ended it. It was a very toxic but close relationship. 

 

When we were just making out, his Ex made several efforts for them to get back in the relationship, it didn't work. They had a "one  night relapse" when they're over for just like 2 weeks and that was it, my now boyfriend told me some weeks after that this had happened. I didn't mind cuz at that time i was also going out with other people, since it was just our beggining and i knew his relationship was very recent i didn't want to rush things so we stayed like 2 months together but making out with other people and then we changed to just us, boyfriends. His Ex always made efforts to be very present, since they've lived together at one point of their relationship, he always went there after they were already over to see their pet that was very very sick (he's better now, thankfully), or created excuses that he needed to go there to get some fortinures to his new place and etc, he was always around him, and when they were together, he always talked about how much he loved him, wanted to get back and etc.

 

But then he tried to force kiss my "at that time, close to being a boyfriend" man and with that act my now bf decided they shouldn't see each other at all cuz his ex wasn't respecting that they were over -- that was like 2 weeks before we got official.

They've stopped seeing each other completely, so it has been more than 2 months. 

 

Now, his ex moved to another city and i accidently read a text of him in a group chat with his closest friends that since his ex moved he's feeling more and more that this is it, they're over and he's been sometimes thinking the "what if", since his ex tried to get back with him so many times. He says in the text that he doesn't regret being over, he knows that it was the best for him, but that he can't help it but having the "what if" feeling. I find it disrespectful since we're together. 

Since his ex moved  to a far away city, he has been mistaking our names too, something that had never happened before. So it's 100% clear that his ex is on his mind. 

What should i do?

It's such a ****** up situation cuz he literally "chose me" when he had everything to get back with his ex, and now that his ex is far away he has been thinking of his ex constantly. 

I should trust that this is just a phase since his ex is now far away and it's a human feeling and that it will pass

or should i have a hard conversation with him that will maybe even led us to an end? i really need help, i'm so confused. 

He always showed his commitment with me, his family absolute loves me, he makes several love statements but it's so weird to be with someone whey you've literally read that he's with the "what if" feeling. 

 

My friend that lives far away from me thinks i should end things but other friend that also knows the situation and see us every weekend feels that he really likes me and she thinks it's just a phase and it's human and i should keep going cuz when he could chose his ex he chose me and now it's just a self-sabotage by my boyfriend, since he can't have it anymore he's feeling the "what if", a self-sabotage mindsent but that it will pass. 

 

what should i do ughhh

 

 

 

[vuelve88]

Dump him. 

[getBusy]

16 minutes ago, Selegend said:

I should trust that this is just a phase

I do agree that it is probably a phase. The real question here, in my opinion, is: do you want to be around him during this phase? There's not wrong answer here. If you understand what he's going through and want to support him, then go ahead and do so. If you don't want to be a part of it, take a break until he sorts things out and can make YOU his priority.

 

He's definitely going through things, and people navigate that very differently.

Edited December 7, 2022 by getBusy

[Outlaws]

First of all, wait for Lana's new album. Second, dump him.

Or you can dump him and wait for the album. But dump him.

[ugo]

End things, a guy that moves into a new relationship 3 days after he ended something can’t be doing that good. You’re probably just a rebound and it sucks that he can’t be honest with you, sitting and having a talk with him is necessary through. But I feel like if he says he doesn’t think about his ex anymore or won’t do it again he would just be lying. He just got to be honest and tell you why he’s so attached to his ex and why he wants to be with you. But guys with so much history and the ones that didn’t deal/process the break up aren’t that good since they can’t sit alone and have a hard talk with themselves and try to move on.

Edited December 7, 2022 by ugo

[ugo]

Just now, Outlaws said:

First of all, wait for Lana's new album. Second, dump him.

Or you can dump him and wait for the album. But dump him.

Traitor.mp3 would work better. 

[Alldeezy]

Sounded like you were the rebound and now his rethinking stuff.

 

Been in that situation before. It's not fun 

[EtherealCat]

hes either not over his ex or he feels missing something in your relationship either way you need to speak to him 

[zasderfght]

23 minutes ago, EtherealCat said:

hes either not over his ex or he feels missing something in your relationship either way you need to speak to him 

This. 

[Cain]

1 hour ago, Selegend said:

Now, his ex moved to another city and i accidently read a text of him in a group chat with his closest friends that since his ex moved he's feeling more and more that this is it, they're over and he's been sometimes thinking the "what if", since his ex tried to get back with him so many times. He says in the text that he doesn't regret being over, he knows that it was the best for him, but that he can't help it but having the "what if" feeling. I find it disrespectful since we're together. 

This seems like a very normal human thing to do and wonder about, feelings are never as black and white as they are portrayed to be

 

Try to communicate about this with him tho, just say you saw the text and it made you (logically) feel insecure but also that you get it and that you would like to work it out together, see what he has to say

[Selegend]

27 minutes ago, getBusy said:

I do agree that it is probably a phase. The real question here, in my opinion, is: do you want to be around him during this phase? There's not wrong answer here. If you understand what he's going through and want to support him, then go ahead and do so. If you don't want to be a part of it, take a break until he sorts things out and can make YOU his priority.

 

He's definitely going through things, and people navigate that very differently.

Yep. When we werent official yet we had some conversations where he said that it was obviously that he was still going through the break-up and that he wasnt sure he was 100% over with it yet. He always said and still says that he knows he made the right decision breaking up and that he wasnt going to be back with his ex but that he wasnt 100% healed yet. I entered this situation knowing the risk but after some months i could only imagine we were going forward not back… and thats what didnt sit right with me. This “what if” happening now. But its a new situation after all so im very conflicted. I like him a lot and kinda think he’s worth it but i have no problem at all being single so im very conflicted… i dont have the answer to ur questions, i agree its this that i have to think about tho! So Thanks 
 

 

25 minutes ago, ugo said:

End things, a guy that moves into a new relationship 3 days after he ended something can’t be doing that good. You’re probably just a rebound and it sucks that he can’t be honest with you, sitting and having a talk with him is necessary through. But I feel like if he says he doesn’t think about his ex anymore or won’t do it again he would just be lying. He just got to be honest and tell you why he’s so attached to his ex and why he wants to be with you. But guys with so much history and the ones that didn’t deal/process the break up aren’t that good since they can’t sit alone and have a hard talk with themselves and try to move on.

We had talks about saying how our timing was bad but it was very organic so theres no way to stop it u know? But i will be  thinking about what u said too, thanks! 

 

33 minutes ago, BadMonster said:

I don't know your exact situation, how you two are together, etc, so my comment's solely based on what you've written in the OP.

 

If he's not talking about ending things with you, doesn't give you signs that he's avoiding you, etc, and you still have the feeling he likes you, then I don't see why you'd break up? Even if he really likes you, it's not weird for him to be sad about something else not working out or wishing it would've. Only shows you he's at least looking for something serious, but tried with the wrong person.

No. Despite this cv with his friend he doesnt seem to want a break up at all, if anything its the opposite, he always be like how nice it is that the finds he’s with a person that he will  be for a lot and lot of years and that he loves me etc. 
the reason why i think about breaking up its to know that even with all of that his ex is still on his mind, and its not something i think, its something i’ve read, and thats hard. 
but the reason why i dont know if its the right decision is that it can be just a phase u know. 
 

34 minutes ago, Allday said:

Sounded like you were the rebound and now his rethinking stuff.

 

Been in that situation before. It's not fun 

I managed to have this conversation with him without talking about what i’ve read and he just says that “no” that he, just like me, also likes being single and he didnt need a rebound it was just that our relationship happened to be very organic… but it was a very fast conversation that didnt go to a lot of places and its kinda obvious he would say that… 

 

30 minutes ago, EtherealCat said:

hes either not over his ex or he feels missing something in your relationship either way you need to speak to him 

I dont think there’s anything missing so yeah its 100% clear he’s not over his ex and thats messed up cuz our relationship is so good

when his ex was trying to get back together he didnt give him a chance, and now that his ex is far away he’s with the “What if” feeling. I just dont know if i stay some weeks or months knowing that this is on his mind but trusting that it Will pass cuz after all it was a 2yr relationship or if i should end things ughhh 

i honestly dont think he’s confused to the point he thinks of breaking up with me. Dont see that happening at all. But i do think the feelings he had for his ex revived after he moved to another city and idk if i should stay and wait or if its a major non-acceptable red flag. He’s not breaking up with me, im the one that needs to know if i accept dating someone who’s also think about his ex. 

[ugo]

9 minutes ago, Selegend said:

Yep. When we werent official yet we had some conversations where he said that it was obviously that he was still going through the break-up and that he wasnt sure he was 100% over with it yet. He always said and still says that he knows he made the right decision breaking up and that he wasnt going to be back with his ex but that he wasnt 100% healed yet. I entered this situation knowing the risk but after some months i could only imagine we were going forward not back… and thats what didnt sit right with me. This “what if” happening now. But its a new situation after all so im very conflicted. I like him a lot and kinda think he’s worth it but i have no problem at all being single so im very conflicted… i dont have the answer to ur questions, i agree its this that i have to think about tho! So Thanks 
 

 

We had talks about saying how our timing was bad but it was very organic so theres no way to stop it u know? But i will be  thinking about what u said too, thanks! 

 

No. Despite this cv with his friend he doesnt seem to want a break up at all, if anything its the opposite, he always be like how nice it is that the finds he’s with a person that he will  be for a lot and lot of years and that he loves me etc. 
the reason why i think about breaking up its to know that even with all of that his ex is still on his mind, and its not something i think, its something i’ve read, and thats hard. 
but the reason why i dont know if its the right decision is that it can be just a phase u know. 
 

I managed to have this conversation with him without talking about what i’ve read and he just says that “no” that he, just like me, also likes being single and he didnt need a rebound it was just that our relationship happened to be very organic… but it was a very fast conversation that didnt go to a lot of places and its kinda obvious he would say that… 

 

I dont think there’s anything missing so yeah its 100% clear he’s not over his ex and thats messed up cuz our relationship is so good

when his ex was trying to get back together he didnt give him a chance, and now that his ex is far away he’s with the “What if” feeling. I just dont know if i stay some weeks or months knowing that this is on his mind but trusting that it Will pass cuz after all it was a 2yr relationship or if i should end things ughhh 

i honestly dont think he’s confused to the point he thinks of breaking up with me. Dont see that happening at all. But i do think the feelings he had for his ex revived after he moved to another city and idk if i should stay and wait or if its a major non-acceptable red flag. He’s not breaking up with me, im the one that needs to know if i accept dating someone who’s also think about his ex. 

Maybe a temporary separation would help ? So he can think about stuff and if he cares enough about you he would come back to you in few months. 

[Archetype]

He’s 27 acting like he’s 18, I would say he needs time to grow up and figure out what he wants before committing to another serious relationship.  The fact that he and his ex still think about each other… that’s not fair to you. I don’t think he’s ready and you might be wasting your time.

[Selegend]

Thanks guys!!!! This is helping me a lot, even talking about it already helps but reading ur guys opinion helps even more, thanks thanks! 

 

 

15 minutes ago, Cain said:

This seems like a very normal human thing to do and wonder about, feelings are never as black and white as they are portrayed to be

 

Try to communicate about this with him tho, just say you saw the text and it made you (logically) feel insecure but also that you get it and that you would like to work it out together, see what he has to say

!!!!!! Its never black or white 

 

i agree its human and thats why im still here, i’ve read it last week. but it has been a hard time for me cuz even with it being human it still hurts me… yeah i think i need to manage to have this cv with him. 

[dreampop]

It is so hard to call it and give solid advice because there are so many angles to view this situation. On one side, it is obviously disrespectful for him to be texting his friends about this "what if" feeling. On the other side, I do not believe he should be punished for having human emotions especially since you say he is still a good boyfriend to you  . I say have a sit down and communaite. Remember, in a relationship, it is always you two against the problem. Unless he is being utterly disrespectful, you should hear him out and go from there. Hopefully things will change and this "what if" feeling will fade. Through the fog and confusion, there will be a clear view of love in the end . 

[Cain]

2 hours ago, Selegend said:

Thanks guys!!!! This is helping me a lot, even talking about it already helps but reading ur guys opinion helps even more, thanks thanks! 

 

 

!!!!!! Its never black or white 

 

i agree its human and thats why im still here, i’ve read it last week. but it has been a hard time for me cuz even with it being human it still hurts me… yeah i think i need to manage to have this cv with him. 

What never helps is creating this island in your head where only you think about this and not your so. You need to tell him you saw the text and how it made you feel so you can work on this together 

[LoveInStereo]

Reading his text convos is a big violation of trust & suggests you‘re suspicious & doubtful. You’re in an early, tentative part of a relationship & you need to put faith in your partner if you want things to last. You can rationalize it as “it was the last thing open on his phone” but if I opened my bf’s phone & the last thing open was a text convo, I’m closing that **** immediately out of respect for his privacy bc I know how betrayed he would feel

[Selegend]

41 minutes ago, LoveInStereo said:

Reading his text convos is a big violation of trust & suggests you‘re suspicious & doubtful. You’re in an early, tentative part of a relationship & you need to put faith in your partner if you want things to last. You can rationalize it as “it was the last thing open on his phone” but if I opened my bf’s phone & the last thing open was a text convo, I’m closing that **** immediately out of respect for his privacy bc I know how betrayed he would feel

it truly was the last thing opened on his phone.  but yeah i could've closed but when i saw the subject i did decide to stay and read for like 30 seconds, i kinda agree with you and that's actually the reason why i didn't have a conversation with him yet, because i know he'll know that if i know more than 1 or 2 things he wrote is because i decided to stay on the cv. i honesly don't feel like i'm 100% wrong about reading it cuz after all is a subject that not many people would be able to close without reading the rest of it, it wasn't like i was searching crazy about it, i wasn't!! but i do know that i'm partially wrong for staying on the cv instead of closing it and that's why i still haven't talked with him about it, cuz i don't feel good about reading... but what is done is done, i don't know if i'm able to pretend i didn't see it so that's another problem. how am i gonna have a cv without saying that i've read it? i don't know if its possible and i'm def NOT a good liar so i'll 100% be telling him i've read it if we have a cv about it. 

 

3 hours ago, BadMonster said:

Don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds a bit like you're afraid he wants to get back with his ex and he might hurt your feelings, and you're wondering whether to end it right now so he won't hurt you if he does eventually want to get back with his ex.

 

Him (still) thinking about his past relationship isn't weird to me. It's pretty fresh, but it doesn't mean he wishes he'd be back together with his ex or he doesn't want to be with you. The only way to make a relationship work in general and in this specific case to find out what you should do, is communicate with him. Talk to him. Some people fall in love with someone else after having been married for 20 years and they end their marriage to be with that other person, you cannot expect them to instantly forget the person they were with tho. And sometimes those new relationships end up working, sometimes they don't, but communication is key, cuz it'll help you make a decision based on what you want, no one on here can tell you what's best

 

2 hours ago, dreampop said:

It is so hard to call it and give solid advice because there are so many angles to view this situation. On one side, it is obviously disrespectful for him to be texting his friends about this "what if" feeling. On the other side, I do not believe he should be punished for having human emotions especially since you say he is still a good boyfriend to you  . I say have a sit down and communaite. Remember, in a relationship, it is always you two against the problem. Unless he is being utterly disrespectful, you should hear him out and go from there. Hopefully things will change and this "what if" feeling will fade. Through the fog and confusion, there will be a clear view of love in the end . 

 

2 hours ago, Cain said:

What never helps is creating this island in your head where only you think about this and not your so. You need to tell him you saw the text and how it made you feel so you can work on this together 

let's see with i wrote above if i'm able to have this cv 

i also feel like comunication is the right way out of this mess (!!!!) and maybe it'll go for the best

like @dreampop so cutely said maybe there will be a clear view of love in the end

but i just cant feel good telling him i've read it even with the fact that i didn't search for it. 

 

 

thanks so much guys! 

Edited December 7, 2022 by Selegend

[RunUpDoneUp]

Smart people will tell you to leave, save yourself the limited amount of dignity you have and rebuild your crumbling self esteem and self respect.

 

The dumb will tell you to enter the sewer and hunt pennywise.

 

I already know which way you're going, this post was just for self affirmation methinks.

[Cyanide]

I don’t think I’m emotionally stable enough to handle a situation like this. It would eat away at me and I would eventually push him away or end things because deep down I’d always think he wanted to get back with his ex 

 

I’m also insane though 

[Johnny Jacobs]

I know it's hard but i would've never start a relationship with someone that just ended one. A person need some time alone to adjust and cleanse his emotions. 

 

Although when i got into my current relationship i wont lie i still loved my ex but a year passed since we broke up and i was really crushing on the guy and he understood the situation and he agreed to take things slow.. I went for it cause he felt right. 

And it turned out for the best. He's my favorite person and the love of my life . 

 

Forgetting someone you cared about/loved doesn't go away so quick and doesn't end just cause you got into a relationship. Only time does the trick. Its really up to you on if you can be patient or trusting of him. 

Edited December 8, 2022 by Johnny Jacobs

[Maxxie]

I know it is difficult but if that is his way of thinking then he will always be thinking "what if" and what happens down the line when they inevitably see each other again?

 

You will only get hurt it sounds like. I hope I am wrong and that it works out for you both but you do not want to settle to be someone's rebound who still lusts over their ex. An ex should be history and wiped from the equation imo. At the same time if they lived together and shared a lot of their life then maybe you need to just accept that they had a special bond and shared a large part of life together. I know it is hard but have some self worth and realise that you deserve everything, no compromises. Also communication is key, talk to him about how you are feeling.

[FreeXone]

Run

[Theshigo Washidu]

Don't end things just yet, speak to him first.

It was too early for you two to start becoming an item, he should've healed first and made properly sure that he was over his ex.

[BloodLuster]

nah just pack it up and find a guy who will really make you his priority. thank god this never happened to me but I've seen it before many times and I'm sorry to tell you it never ends well.