discussion Challenging racism (in-person professional settings) in the gay community

[sugarysunflower]

Being on atrl I get that this post is highly likely to rub a lot of people the wrong way, or perhaps striking a nerve is necessary. This isn’t to cause offence but more open to viewpoints:
 

I’m speaking less about online experiences and more in-person experiences (you know, outside of dating and more on a professional basis). I have increasingly attended LGBT+ events for those working in politics, STEM, finance, law, etc as I work across these fields, in London, New York and Paris, believing it’s a safe space and hopefully meeting like minded people and for networking and other opportunities. Perhaps in order to garner mutual understanding and make life long work connections.
 

Yet nearly every space exhibits the exact same behaviour: 90% of the white gays (in their 20s, 30s and early 40s mind you) constantly band together in their groups and dissociate or ignore anyone else trying to politely introduce themselves and make new friends and/or connections, as hard as I (and others) try. (Well why am I going after white gays you might say …….. just because they make up 90% of the people at these events so it’s unintentional).
 

So I’m wondering, is it just me? Am I being paranoid? I’m not really seeking validation, I’m seeking openness and equality of opportunity. Well interestingly, a common point of discussion other non-white gays at these events have corroborated similar experiences, but still I admire them holding heads high, ignore it and push through it. 

 

Aside from the odd ethnic minority pick-mes and the white gays that entertain them, what can be done to call out their cliqueness and be more embracing and open to just TALKING, never mind helping them out in a professional setting?

 

It’s a rant. But how do fellow non-whites gays go through their day to day lives, and still have the energy to strive and push through to the top? You can say ignore it, but because this is from a professional development perspective the cold truth is that white gays are still white men at the end of the day, and have connections to smoother upward mobility and/or have the access to control the system, what can I or others do to combat this? 

 

I don’t come from a wealthy family or one with connections, so I’ve been starting from the ground up. But it is just excruciatingly exhausting internally to keep up this battle and I would just be interested in hearing others’ experiences. 

[WERKER]

I think you’re being paranoid, I’ve never experienced anything like that in any professional capacity and you might be imagining it to be worse than it is because you’re uncomfortable in yourself or your sexuality. 
 

Gay men in general to stereotype are obnoxious, rude and generally quite miserable to be around for long periods of time but every professional setting I’ve been in the groups have been diverse with no racial segregation. I’m not American though so can’t speak for Americans. 

[Cain]

Well why are there only gay men there? That’s the first problem

 

Inclusive spaces make for more inclusivity, it’s why queer places (not to be confused with gay ones) are much more welcoming and open minded

[Terrielle]

It's not just you. I have visited a majority white country for the first time last summer and I absolutely felt subtly ostracized in the gay spaces. It's honestly something only PoC can feel. 

[Janet]

Not just you 

 

I’ve felt marginalised as a PoC gay in local queer spaces, as they’re dominated by white gays

[feelslikeadream]

1 hour ago, WERKER said:

I think you’re being paranoid

Not the first reply

[BOOMBAYAH]

You’re not being paranoid. This is a very well known issue in the gay community, but I feel like people don’t actually tackle it IRL. Like you’ll have these ACAB BLM white gays online that only surround themselves with muscle white gays. The thing with me is that I don’t even try to engage with them anymore since I don’t want to be friends with close-minded people anyway, so I just seek out people that are actually genuinely kind and cool to hang out with. But I guess your issue is within professional settings so it’s harder to just get up and find another group of people. I would say that, maybe you just try and find the other few POC at these events and try to make your own group if others are uninviting, the options are a bit limited since again this is your career so there’s not too much flexibility.

[Rino]

aren't there any females in those meetings? I work in a predominantly white company, like I'm literally the only asian person in it, and I never had any trouble making friends with my female colleagues (some male too). but then again we all work from home so that might have something to do with it 

[Pop culture]

I don't think it's racism, I think it's classism accompanied by a feeling of superiority.

[Yawn]

my current LGBT network is very diverse. i’ve not been to a proper ‘mixer’ type professional event with multiple workplaces since pre-pandemic tho.

 

tbh now i think about it, those big events were 90%+ gays lol. it wasn’t cliquey though. you had people who knew each other from previous events, but there weren’t groups forming at all. 

[shinyshimmery]

I'm not sure about professional settings, as I never attend purely LGBT oriented events. However, in my experience in non-professional settings... most of them clique-y gays are not right in the head anyway.

[GentleEarthquake]

I don't think you're being paranoid. It makes a lot of sense that things like this can happen in professional queer enviroments. No matter how much people try to deny it, there's still a lot of racism within the community.

[zasderfght]

If you're not a POC, you're certainly entitled to your take on this issue, as am I, but keep in mind you can be educated on a POC's lived experience, but you'll never 100% understand it simply because you and I are white and/or white-passing, so please refrain from comments such as "maybe you're just too paranoid" or "it's all in your head." Let's not invalidate or make light of experiences gay POC have experienced. It's akin to cishet white women trying to say they know the gay male experience. Let's not. 

 

That being said, it does not shock me racism occurs in minority groups, like the LGBTQ+ community. 

 

I like the idea of adding the black and brown stripes to the universal 6-color LGBTQ+ flag. I understand the queer community perspective that LGBTQ+ rights are its own isolated issue, however, Black Lives Matter incorporates gay rights, so why not have LGBTQ+ incorporate black representation as well? After all, black LGBTQ+ folks exist. I really think BLM and LGBTQ+ overlapping is a step in the right direction. 

[Newt]

You are not being paranoid but I admit I don't have any advice to give. I've never really felt the need to mingle my identity as a gay man with my career. I can get everything I need from spaces that don't specially cater to our community.

 

On the other hand, I can appreciate why one would want to do that. For the sake of uplifting others in the community by making these connections, or find solace with like-minded people in archaic/discriminatory/close minded fields. IMO, focus on making connections with people that are worth the time and energy, whomever that might be

Edited November 18, 2022 by Newt

[Theshigo Washidu]

Some of the gaslighting in here already smh. Typical.

 

 

OP, sadly not all queer people are on code. Just because they may be a minority in whatever form does not mean that they'll be inclusive towards you. You can't exactly force them to be open to you either unfortunately.

 

It might be best to band with the heterosexuals whom you get on with or form an alliance with fellow POC gays.

 

The gay community is still kind of segregated, don't let the media or pawn fool you.

[Jotham]

It's the opposite for me. In-person LGBT+ places are a lot less racist to me than online ones. But to be fair I live in a very diverse city.