discussion My BFF is having an affair - wants me to accept her new bf

[Oktober Knight]

I've been best friends with this girl for 15 years and I'm even friends with her husband (they have been together for 12 years). The relationship was doomed from the start - he's a very nice guy but he's so introverted that he doesn't leave the house and never goes anywhere with her. She even has to visit his parents every Sunday while he stays home because he's too anxious to socialize. Mind you, she's a very outgoing person and likes to have many friends. 

 

She revealed to me years ago that she met a guy that she really liked and she was having sex with him and wanting to form a relationship with him. But he was an addict and did werid things like keep a mannequin in his closet that looked like her, always kept track of where she was, became obsessive over her enough to where she was scared he was going to hurt her. 

 

4 years later, they're back together and she claims he's sober now and a completely different person. But this time she let everyone know about her affair and tries to get everyone to accept it and invites him to social gatherings. 

 

I'm stuck in the middle. Because of his possibly violent past, I can't help but fear for her safety. It's also difficult for me to accept her affair since I have known her husband for years. I suspect she uses me as an excuse for not being home all the time and tells him she's hanging out with me when she's really with her boyfriend. I hope that conversation never comes up cause I cannot cover for her. 

 

I'm the type of guy that suggests someone take care of unfinished business before moving onto another man. I'm studying psychology (relationships in particular) so I'm trying to have an open mind about it. The problem is she keeps pushing me to meet her boyfriend cause she thinks we'll get along well but I feel guilty doing so, and I keep suggesting it's not a good idea. She also has no intentions in divorcing her husband anytime soon even though she's unhappy and she doesn't want to break his heart. 

 

Anyway, the situation has gotten stronger as she's seeing him more and all of our mutual friends have accepted him and visit them both while I refuse. Am I doing the wrong thing? Should I support her on this or just continue to stay quiet about it and let her handle this on her own? 

[May]

ok first of all, girl wtf  

 

secondable , if she's inviting him to social gatherings and you're not comfortable with him then you need to tell her this . if he has a violent/creepy past you're within your right to not wanna be around that .. fair enough he's sober now but as bad as it sounds, he's just one relapse away from becoming a violent creep again and you don't want that in your social bubble

 

also her husband sounds like a sweet guy, there are many reasons why someone might be introverted . it sounds like she's just gotten bored of being with a 'nice' guy and wanted to be with someone more dangerous. i feel for him  

 

TBH if it were me in ur position i'd make a decision whether to cut her off completely and move on to other friends, or tell her husband about the affair. either way it sounds like ur gonna lose her friendship , sorry to say

[#Beautiful]

she sounds like one dumb cwnt, yikes. find a new friend quick

[makeme]

Cheating on her husband with a drug addict because he's an introvert 

 

Sounds like a mid life crisis 

 

No you aren't bad for not wanting to be around her mess 

[Golden]

First and foremost: she's having an affair unbeknownst to her husband. That already in itself is very, very wrong. 

 

I think you should follow your intuition here. You have plenty of reason enough to be wary of their relationship. It seems the way your friend is handling this go against your personal values. You have every right to communicate what you're uncomfortable with. The only reason you'd condone this relationship is for the sake of keeping your friendship with her. Don't mean to be crude, but what's 15 year friendship if you can't tell your friend she's doing something wrong? 

 

And forget about her - what about your other friend, the husband, who doesn't know anything at all? 

[KFC]

Cut her off NOW.

 

It's only a matter of time before she drags you into her mess

[BowWow]

Yeah I’m in agreement with everyone here follow your gut this is only going to get messier op

[The Next Day]

Don't let her use you. She is in dire need of a reality check. Just tell her you're uncomfortable and why and then she can figure out what she has to do. This is already a huge mess since you're friends with the husband too, but it's a bit understandable you wouldn't want to tell him. But still the least you could do is making her stop using you.

[Bloodflowers.]

Queen just wants a baddie by the side, and a hubby at home. Let her live!

[John Slayne]

You're already doing her a favour by not putting her on blast and telling her husband, you are by no means obligated to be supportive of her new relationship. She's really testing your friendship by doing something that goes against your values. 

 

Your feelings and reservations about her new man are valid, and the way she's handling it is horrible too. As her friend, do you think you could express this to her? It sounds like the rest of her friends are just yesmen, so it would be good for her to hear a different opinion. 

 

If I had a friend like this, it would really make me question their character, honesty, and loyalty in reference to me. If she can be so casual and trifling around her husband, just imagine the lies she could be telling you and her other friends. 

 

I agree with everyone else that this sounds like a big mess in the making, make sure you're not in the vicinity when the sh*t hits the fan. Not saying you need to cut her off, but you also shouldn't enable her.

Edited October 26, 2022 by John Slayne

[McNulty]

I hope they are not kids involved because this will get messy soon

[OrgVisual]

Is it still considered an affair if everybody knows?

 

[MonsterJohn]

poor the guy, honestly

 

people are just horrible

[Pop Life]

Quote

The relationship was doomed from the start- he's a very nice guy but he's so introverted

It wasn't doomed because the husband is an introvert. It was doomed because your friend is a *****.

Edited October 26, 2022 by Pop Life

[Theshigo Washidu]

You should tell her the truth. What she's doing is wrong and unnecessary. 

 

Her partner being a socially anxious introvert is not a reason to cheat. If she wasn't happy with the marriage or fell out of love with her man, she should have ended it.

[Negev]

She's absolutely repulsive. I'll echo others here and say you have to speak to her and tell her you want nothing to do with this, don't enable her. If you are close you need to voice your opinion on the way she's going about this situation. 

 

I'd distance myself from someone like her, nobody's perfect and we all have made mistakes but this is not a one time ****-up. She went back to a shady ex and now she's making this public making a fool out of her husband, which no matter his personality traits he does not deserve this kind ot treatment. This type of toxicity and drama you do not want around you, it's a recipe for disaster. Just a matter of time until it crashes down on your friend and all others involved including yourself. 

[BnPac]

Did you guys not read BFF in the title or "been best friends for 15 years". 

The OP clearly loves that person dearly so you can just insult her and it's not so easy to walk away from someone you love. 

 

However I agree with the overall sentiment here : you need to stand your ground. If what's happening goes against your values, voice that to her openly and heart to heart. You don't have to judge or condemn what she's doing (she's on her path, hurting someone that is trusting her over something she knew about him when they tied the knot, but it's her path to walk) but tell her square that the situation is uncomfortable to you, that you don't want to be apart of it and ask whether there's a way to continue this friendship without having to be involved in it.

 

Now aside from her being your friend, I can not help but feel so much compassion for her husband. She's not even hiding to her close friends and relatives so everyone he meets will know that he is being abused. Everyone but him. That's awful. I can not fathom discovering that you've been hurt like that from someone you trust and everyone was in the joke. 

It's not that she doesn't want to break his heart, it's just that it's an uncomfortable discussion, a definite life change and she's not brave enough for that. 

[Anye]

12 hours ago, Oktober Knight said:

he was an addict and did werid things like keep a mannequin in his closet that looked like her

[Oktober Knight]

5 hours ago, BnPac said:

 

 

Now aside from her being your friend, I can not help but feel so much compassion for her husband. She's not even hiding to her close friends and relatives so everyone he meets will know that he is being abused. Everyone but him. That's awful. I can not fathom discovering that you've been hurt like that from someone you trust and everyone was in the joke. 

It's not that she doesn't want to break his heart, it's just that it's an uncomfortable discussion, a definite life change and she's not brave enough for that. 

This right here is the hardest part. It kills me that everyone she knows is informed about the affair except him. I wish I had it in me to tell him but I just can't be the whistle blower cause his heart would be broken. 

 

I'm going to continue brushing it off -  she already knew I heavily disliked her bf in the past and she admitted that she was nervous about telling me. But now that I know, she's pushing for us to meet and hang out and I want absolutely nothing to do with it. 

 

 

 

 

 

Furthermore, thank you to everyone who replied. I highly doubt this will end our friendship but she does need a wake up call and it's likely gonna come from me (I'm a Taurus and we naturally say what's on our mind, sometimes very brutally). 

[Sergi91]

He’s obviously the killer that Wendy always talked about 

 

 

[foreverwinter13]

get her husband 

[FreeXone]

Honestly all you can do is leave well alone. If she is this sloppy with showboating him around then the husband is no dummy. Men have intuition just like women do.

 

 

Pay the business that minds you TRUST ME!!!! You never wanna be the outside person getting involved in peoples marriages and relationships. It NEVER ends good for you. 

Edited October 27, 2022 by FreeXone

[cognitus.]

Help her husband, and keep him company during these dark times