discussion It’s Hard Making Friends In The Gay Community, Why?

[Hurem]

People are getting more shallow in general. I feel like the shallowness used to be more focused on love relationships, but now it seems to be affecting every aspect in oir lives (friendships, work, etc).

 

With gays it’s multiplied by 10x and we’re a much smaller community, so it’s terrible overall.

[ithinkheknowsoutsold]

5 hours ago, Pacify Him said:

Not me. But that's because I'm a people pleaser and a social butterfly at the same time

Same with me but I think it's because I am an attention *****.

[Otter]

Making friends as adults is hard.

 

But making friend in the "gay community" is typically forced which is why its extra hard. Friends should come about organically through your environment and naturally most environmrnts are not gay centric, and if they are, typically they are clubs/bars which not how most people make their friends. 

[Redstreak]

Because y’all are focused on the wrong things. Someone being gay also is just not enough to be the foundation of a good friendship, look more for shared hobbies first

[Zoe_]

Gays are mean af. 

 

Most only befriend people they wanna have sex with. 

[Jan]

I am not sure. I think that so many men think with their d!cks instead of their brains that they cannot help but see other gay men as sex objects.

 

I have straight friends and I have gay friends, and I don't think about sleeping with any of them like, at all.

[Oktober Knight]

It really is in my opinion. I never had a gay friendship that lasted, mainly because they were backstabbing and gossiped behind your back. This is probably why every person who came to my wedding was straight (all the gay "friends" declined - go figure). 

[vinster13]

Making friends as a gay is so hard in general. Not to mention, at my uni, no one talks. Like you could drop a pin and the whole campus would hear. 
 

it’s been 5 weeks and I’m basically forcing this one guy to be my friend. We have a class in common and we’re also taking the same math course. Conveniently he’s a tutor and I’m struggling so we gonna meet once a week and hopefully i finally will have someone I know 

[Pacify Him]

3 hours ago, ithinkheknowsoutsold said:

Same with me but I think it's because I am an attention *****.

That's the difference between you and I. I don't ever wanted to be in the spotlight yet I always am

[littlepotter]

4 hours ago, Pendulum said:

I can't maintain a friendship with another gay guy  because I get attached too easily which would inevitably result in me pursuing a relationship with them, even though I might not be necessarily attracted to them sexually. 

 

I'm currently struggling in that regard. I've been friends with his gay guy for a month now and we've became really close to the point where we're having sleepovers every week and to the point where he feels comfortable enough to traum dump on me (which honestly is not the tea but I cannot say anything). We've made out a few times and there is a genuine connection between us (his words) but he's just not interested in a relationship with me particularly, which is quite painful. For fucks sake, he even tells me he loves me every other day??  At this point I'm kinda tired with this cause it's eating me from the inside. I'll see how our friendship progresses for a month from now and otherwise I'd call it quits. And I do realise that the problem is in me. It's just confusing.

 

 

So basically you're acting like you're in a relationship just without the actual label? 

Me and my bf started out like this and it went on for 5 months before we decided to be boyfriends. And we're still together after ~4 years.

If all else fails you have Mercurial World Deluxe coming out in 2 days and Fossora in 9 which is much better than having a boyfriend.

[Stego]

I agree with a lot of the reasons the members are mentioning. First of all, when you become an adult it gets more difficult to form long-lasting bonds with others as it requires time, sharing experiences, etc. In the gay community, we tend to rush things a lot, so things don't always have a strong foundation. 

 

Now, speaking from personal experience, I've had a lot of issues with gay friends over the years so nowadays I have just 2 that I can actually consider friends while the others are straight men and women. I had a gay best friend back in 2008-2011, someone who I totally trusted and who was in a relationship but then started to spread rumors about me when I started seeing a guy I really liked back then. When confronting my "friend", he said it was because he was in love with me.  Then, I had another issue in 2014 with another friend who tried to have sex with me when I was drunk.

 

It's like, at least where I live, the gay community is really toxic: Gossip, drama, sex, abuse, etc. 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Stego

[Planet Mars]

Probably my best friend is gay, but I have several other gay friends. All great people, and nobody has ever tried f*cking anyone. I have a boyfriend for that anyway.

[Pendulum]

38 minutes ago, littlepotter said:

So basically you're acting like you're in a relationship just without the actual label? 

Me and my bf started out like this and it went on for 5 months before we decided to be boyfriends. And we're still together after ~4 years.

If all else fails you have Mercurial World Deluxe coming out in 2 days and Fossora in 9 which is much better than having a boyfriend.

You could put it that way. He even said that we shouldn't put any label. Lol? We haven't even the deed together and if I'm being 100% I wouldn't want to. His reason for not wanting a relationship is that he'd prefer to be in an open relationship so he can hoe around. And he just couldn't do it with me because it would hurt me. Which is kinda considerate but still, the **** is that supposed to mean? He's kind of a walking red flag but I can't let go.
 

I'm borderline too so that doesn't really help. 

 

and yes, we will be streaming and purchasing Fossora! Boys can come and go but the Icelandic woman will never leave me.

Edited September 21, 2022 by Pendulum

[UnusualBoy]

I have 2 good friends but it's hard because someone always tries to crush the line which kind of damages the friendship. Also, there's too much shallowness in the community and that makes things harder.

[littlepotter]

1 hour ago, Pendulum said:

You could put it that way. He even said that we shouldn't put any label. Lol? We haven't even the deed together and if I'm being 100% I wouldn't want to. His reason for not wanting a relationship is that he'd prefer to be in an open relationship so he can hoe around. And he just couldn't do it with me because it would hurt me. Which is kinda considerate but still, the **** is that supposed to mean? He's kind of a walking red flag but I can't let go.
 

I'm borderline too so that doesn't really help. 

 

and yes, we will be streaming and purchasing Fossora! Boys can come and go but the Icelandic woman will never leave me.

Damn your guy sounds a lot like me  Drag me. We are in an open relationship right now and it's going well... @catsandlabneh give ha your thoughts

[catsandlabneh]

8 hours ago, Pendulum said:

I can't maintain a friendship with another gay guy  because I get attached too easily which would inevitably result in me pursuing a relationship with them, even though I might not be necessarily attracted to them sexually. 

 

I'm currently struggling in that regard. I've been friends with his gay guy for a month now and we've became really close to the point where we're having sleepovers every week and to the point where he feels comfortable enough to traum dump on me (which honestly is not the tea but I cannot say anything). We've made out a few times and there is a genuine connection between us (his words) but he's just not interested in a relationship with me particularly, which is quite painful. For fucks sake, he even tells me he loves me every other day??  At this point I'm kinda tired with this cause it's eating me from the inside. I'll see how our friendship progresses for a month from now and otherwise I'd call it quits. And I do realise that the problem is in me. It's just confusing.

 

 

 

 

3 hours ago, Pendulum said:

You could put it that way. He even said that we shouldn't put any label. Lol? We haven't even the deed together and if I'm being 100% I wouldn't want to. His reason for not wanting a relationship is that he'd prefer to be in an open relationship so he can hoe around. And he just couldn't do it with me because it would hurt me. Which is kinda considerate but still, the **** is that supposed to mean? He's kind of a walking red flag but I can't let go.
 

I'm borderline too so that doesn't really help. 

 

and yes, we will be streaming and purchasing Fossora! Boys can come and go but the Icelandic woman will never leave me.

 

1 hour ago, littlepotter said:

Damn your guy sounds a lot like me  Drag me. We are in an open relationship right now and it's going well... @catsandlabneh give ha your thoughts

Oh hi all the bjork stans share the same experience I see? 

 

As baby bjork said, we've been together in an open relationship for almost 5 years. But we started off a lot like you: we became friends, then sleepovers started happening once a week, then more frequently, we also went through the whole making out (and more) but staying 'friends' because I wasn't ready for a relationship and was terrified of what could happen if it didn't work out. We were just hanging in that labeless area thing and it wasn't the best feeling at all times tbh, it was very confusing for me at times. We also didn't start off as an open relationship, we only opened it a few months into the relationship. But anyway, I think, since you don't sound like you're that attracted to him (am I understanding this correctly?) and don't want an open relationship, you should just be clear with him that you're not okay with how things are between y'all and that you'd rather either get into an actual relationship and call it that, or part ways. I know how emotionally exhausting it can be to be in that grey area kind of thing, but idk it sounds like this won't end well for you and that the sooner you cut it, the better. 

At the end of the day, Vulnicura is there for you to stream tf out of it if **** hits the fan 

[Pendulum]

11 minutes ago, catsandlabneh said:

 

 

 

Oh hi all the bjork stans share the same experience I see? 

 

As baby bjork said, we've been together in an open relationship for almost 5 years. But we started off a lot like you: we became friends, then sleepovers started happening once a week, then more frequently, we also went through the whole making out (and more) but staying 'friends' because I wasn't ready for a relationship and was terrified of what could happen if it didn't work out. We were just hanging in that labeless area thing and it wasn't the best feeling at all times tbh, it was very confusing for me at times. We also didn't start off as an open relationship, we only opened it a few months into the relationship. But anyway, I think, since you don't sound like you're that attracted to him (am I understanding this correctly?) and don't want an open relationship, you should just be clear with him that you're not okay with how things are between y'all and that you'd rather either get into an actual relationship and call it that, or part ways. I know how emotionally exhausting it can be to be in that grey area kind of thing, but idk it sounds like this won't end well for you and that the sooner you cut it, the better. 

At the end of the day, Vulnicura is there for you to stream tf out of it if **** hits the fan 

We haven't done the s-word yet and last time we made out I couldn't get it up, maybe because he was in his pyjamas and looked very unflattering. But I'd say I'm attracted to him. I'm such a mess maybe, I've been venting and whining to all my friends about him  

 

There's this thing also. We're both living in a city abroad (both of us are international students) and while I'm graduating this year, he's still a first year. So the possibility of something serious is out of the equation AND I'm not doing my Masters in this uni. So as soon as I get my diploma, sayonara!

 

He's the guy that played the Crystalline remix btw  the one I mentioned in the Fossora thread

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Pendulum

[scenekiller]

Gay men are taught/conditioned to think the only way we can find any intimacy is through random sex and hookups with each other, so a lot of us don't know how to build real relationships, romantic or platonic.

[Pop Life]

All of my closest friends are gay and I've never wanted to **** any of them. The whole "can't be friends because sex" angle is so bizarre to me.

Awhile back one of my friends was dating this guy who was weirded out that we were all so close. He said he never even spoke to other gay people unless it was to sleep with them - it honestly sounded dysfunctional.

[John Slayne]

I think it's hard for adults in general, but the gay community in my city is actually quite welcoming and for the most part very friendly. Most of my friends at this point are queer men, I find it relatively easy to talk to gay men compared to other demographics, mostly because we have similar life experience and interests. 

 

There's no way for me to test this theory but I feel like I would have a much harder time finding friends as an adult if I was straight.

[MadonnasBoyfriend]

for me it's I don't care about other people's bullshit but expect them to care about mine

[theweekend]

how can I make friends being at home all day and not going out for parties/social gatherings with different people? lmaooo it feels good not to need finding new people like when I was a teenager

[Dystopian]

it's not just a gay problem, most adults aren't interested in having friends and would rather just be in a relationship. i know so many people who say their only friend is their significant other.

even my girl friends say they can't be friends with straight guys cause they always end up wanting to **** or get romantically involved.

[Stego]

31 minutes ago, theweekend said:

how can I make friends being at home all day and not going out for parties/social gatherings with different people? lmaooo it feels good not to need finding new people like when I was a teenager

Nowadays there are a lot of online courses and workshops you can take up. Good thing is that it would be people with similar interests to yours.