Augmented Posted August 27, 2022 Posted August 27, 2022 Thank you so much for the reviews @AuroraΒ and @JacksonΒ Omg me getting peaks and piques mixed up literally a clownΒ yes the figure was supposed to be the other lover but I absolutely understand how that was confusing. Also this was my reaction after reading @JoeAgimmaculate Owl song then looking at mineΒ Β
Hug Posted August 27, 2022 Posted August 27, 2022 Not to make you worry but this was my most adventurous concept/execution of the last 2 seasons (unless we want to count Maid of Windemere but ?) so you're probably not going to get much originality from me but I WILL TRY ? I do think your comments have given me something to ponder and I appreciate it
Jackson Posted August 27, 2022 Posted August 27, 2022 4 hours ago, Julia Fox said: Thank you @Jackson, you can see English is not my first language lol and I appreciate your comments because I really felt that I was lacking some deep development on the lyrics when I was writing it but at the same time I really found the ambiguity the best option because otherwise it would have been a longer song with so many details and turns at the point of make the main idea of the song get lost with all the backgrounds For the first part, if you wanted to make sure your grammar works I'd suggest sending your song to a fellow contestant to read through before submitting - they're very simple fixes that would help the song flow better. Either way, it's not that distracting and doesn't deeply affect my scoring. I do think the ambiguity overall worked OK with your concept and I don't want to review you based on the song I wouldΒ write, it was more a reflection of where it could have been taken to hit even harder for me. Regardless, your song was one of the strongest conceptually and made me think more about birds than I probably ever have Β 16 minutes ago, Hug said: Not to make you worry but this was my most adventurous concept/execution of the last 2 seasons (unless we want to count Maid of Windemere but ?) so you're probably not going to get much originality from me but I WILL TRY ? I do think your comments have given me something to ponder and I appreciate it To be fair, I thought the Lilith/feminist angle was pretty fresh and not something I would expect from this story. But I also have a thing for archaic English so it could just be that
DatChickDoe Posted August 27, 2022 Posted August 27, 2022 53 minutes ago, 8thPrince said: Β Greetings, Hitmakers! I'm steadily working on getting everyone the full review they deserve, but just so you aren't left hanging, here's my first half of reviews! If there is anything in your review that you do not wish to have public (lyric excerpts, references to your material etc.) I will remove it upon request. Β Β Reveal hidden contents Β Β Reveal hidden contents 1.Β @Kylie JennerΒ - βEveβ Iβm a huge fan of βtidinessβ in songs, and what I mean by that is lyrics that demonstrate an understanding of rhyme scheme, meter, and a balanced structure in regards to stanzas and sections. You already show a strong understanding of these foundations, so kudos to you! What I think would benefit you for your next song are the following: One, variety when it comes to rhyme scheme and rhyme types. The entire piece follows AABB and AAAA rhyme scheme. For example, βEden/weakened/beaten/demonsβ is an AAAA scheme, and βpain/insane/dream/gleamβ is AABB. While this isnβt an issue in isolation, when these are stacked one after the other, the piece can begin to read as sounding repetitive. (Iβd also argue AAAA is closely related to AABB, as youβre essentially doing rhyming couplets in succession.) In addition to rhyme scheme, Iβd encourage you to explore playing with less strict rhymes. Strong rhymes such as βgirl/pearlβ βchoice/rejoiceβ have already been paired in songs before and can lead to a sense of predictability. Meanwhile, slant rhymes open up the possibilities of what you can say next. βHurt/deserveβ make a slant rhyme, and I thought that was fresher than the lines that came before it in the bridge. My second pointer for next time would be finding a fresh way to talk about an action or feeling other than just stating the action or feeling. The song paints a picture of Eveβs conflict, but is doing so in ways that could be described as plainly expository. With your next song, maybe you can ask βhow can I create an emotional hook with the reader?β For example, the first line of the prechorus: βIβve never felt so trapped in this garden of edenβ. You could ask how to convey entrapment without saying βtrapβ. Something like βThe trees of Eden were the bars of my cageβ might create some interest with the reader and give them something to latch onto. You just want to look for anywhere you can add some unique perspective rather than describing. 2.Β @Julia FoxΒ - βCrying Birdsβ Youβre dead-on that this piece has an ambiguous feeling, the abstract sense it gives definitely held up after a few readings. If I were to hazard a guess, Iβm getting the sense that this is aboutβ¦ Transition? From someone being there with the narrator and then now theyβre not. It causes them to recontextualize occurrences such as birds singing with the sense of longing theyβre feeling now. Thereβs some writing I really like here, such as saying the βtrees are getting undressedβ to represent fall, and the idea of the βsinging statuteβ being a bird who doesnβt immediately flee from the narrator as they eye each other. Iβm very happy that we can get diverse entries in Golden Hit, but I do have to admit it falls a little flat for me with the loose meter and rhyme scheme, along with there not being a killer image or knockout concept to pair it with that makes the loss of the first two points worth it. It reads more strongly as a poem than a song, which isnβt an issue, but I wonder what you might make if you were to tighten up the structure a bit? 3.Β @DatChickDoeΒ - βBiteβ Now you didnβt tell us what animal you were doing but I did get shark before you name-dropped it at the end of the verse. With that in mind, there are some examples of really strong songwriting here, some of the best Iβve read in the round! The entire first verse was on point. βLips laced with razorsβ is definitely a one-liner Iβd place within the top 3 of the round, thatβs really striking imagery. Your writing has a very commercial edge, and thatβs something I really appreciate as a lot of writers lean more to prose in ATRL songwriting games! The rhyme scheme, meter and structure were tight, for the most part. If I were to give a couple of pointers: for starters, Iβd suggest writing out every repetition of the lyrics, rather than doing βrefer to chorusβ, just for clarityβs sake. I could not tell whether you intended for the section above or below to denote what we should be re-reading as the chorus (I assumed it was the section above.). Second, while it wasnβt a huge issue in regards to it impacting your score, Iβd suggest paying attention to not mixing metaphors as a general rule for more potent songwriting, especially as there will be more βthematicβ challenges in the future. If weβre talking about sharks, it helps sharpen the songβs point if you keep focus on that specific metaphor, rather than diverting to sirens, spiders, and terrestrial predators (Such as animals with βpawsβ, just a minor nitpick but also be aware of what tone your word choice sets: We associate paws with friendly animals such as house cats, dogs, baby bears etc. Wouldnβt βclawsβ be more pointed and aggressive, for example?). All in all, this was a strong first entry, and Iβm interested to see how you build on this in the next challenge! 4.Β @HugΒ - βLilithβ Very strong composition-wise in regards to structure/meter and rhymes. All the rhymes felt natural, and the piece had an easy-to-understand flow. Iβd expect no less from one of our songwriting vets! I do need to admit I didnβt really grasp onto much here despite it being well-written. I think thereβs a couple of parts as to why and I hope this advice might spark some possible directions/development for songs in future rounds:Β 1. I personally am not a fan of passive voicing/inverted voicing/Yodaspeak etc. I completely understand how it fits thematically here as youβre going for a more archaic voicing to match the Biblical theme, but it does become a bit much when almost every line is inverted. Which sort of leads to my second reservation: 2. I think the voicing/execution combined with the theme of Eve and the snake was low-hanging fruit (Pun intended). Itβs a bit too obvious to write the song in this way which made the originality suffer, in my opinion. I think there was a more adventurous way to have these same characters and same thoughts illustrated without reaching to Ole English, especially in a round where this same story was so popular. In future rounds, Iβd be excited to see what your command of song structure looks like when paired with a fresh concept. 5.Β @worldwide angelΒ - βEternalβ I donβt know how you did it but I absolutely got βsea turtleβ before I read your additional info. So, huge kudos for the specific animal choice and having that communicated within the song. My first critique that Iβd suggest ironing out before your next submission has nothing to do with the song and all about the format: Iβd suggest always using line breaks rather than slashes (β/β) to separate lines if you want to illustrate the meter. I understand it might look uglier to have a lone word or two in its own line, but itβs an easier read than adding additional visible text. Ideally, you can keep it all one complete line to match your full line, but I wouldnβt split the difference using text like the slashes. Now that thatβs out of the way, I kind of read my own story into this! It was a very cinematic piece, I could just picture a newborn turtle hatchling taking his first steps off the beach and exploring the ocean. This was one of the more vibrant entries when it came to imagery this week, and Iβd love to see you build on your knack for imagery in the following rounds. One piece of advice is to balance word choice and tone: The piece has a very free feeling, but the instances of the words βdieβ and βmasochistβ have a weight thatβs wildly imbalanced from the rest of the song, and clash with the tone. You just want to make sure each word choice positively adds to the picture youβre painting, and youβll be set! 6.Β @AlldayΒ - βAnimal For Youβ TBA 7.Β @Better MistakesΒ - βDon't Leave My Lifeβ I think you hit upon a really strong concept and unique take on the challenge (That being the perspective of a domesticated animal.), and in fact one that has been explored in a recent hit song. (Try not to cry while watching the music video!) However, I think youβve come up a bit short, despite a proven and strong basis. I think the issue of why it didnβt connect for me is twofold: 1) the composition and 2) the execution of the theming. 1. Iβd suggest caution with how often you repeat anything in a song, especially singular words. I think thereβs a way you can make the repetition of love in the prechorus catchy, as well as a way to make the twists on the use of βpleaseβ in the chorus not only catchy, but also clever: But in both examples, I found them to just be restating the same point in two ways, which wasnβt very engaging. The verses advanced your story, but the prechorus and chorus seemed to spin in place. For the next round, Iβd suggest analyzing each major section and asking how it advances the narrative of the whole song.Β 2. I didnβt get that it was about a pet and not a person until I read your additional info. While Iβm not a purist about adherence to the challenge and wonβt dock you for it, I think it wouldβve strengthened your song to mix a bit more of the viewpoint in there, because it is a unique take. For example, I donβt get the sense of what kind of animal this is even with the added info. Iβm assuming a dog, but it could also be a cat, hamster, parrot, snake, etc. In the Yuuri song, besides the obvious dog name βLeoβ, he has details about being petted (So this animal has fur) and close loyalty (So itβs likely not a hamster or cat, ie a dog.). Think about what details you can bring in. I know it seems like Iβm ragging, but I want to reemphasize this was a strong concept. Itβs only the second time Iβve read something like this, and the first time in English, so youβve definitely got some unique ideas, and Iβm interested in what you come up with next, as you really did think outside the box here, despite it not completely coming across on paper. 8.Β @hurricane326Β - βI Walk Aloneβ Ok I immediately got cryptid/mythical creature and the exact story of the Jersey Devil had slipped my mind before I read your additional info but I did get shades of that! (I ended up settling on dragon as your animal of choice before checking LMAO.). I think thatβs a really inspired choice of βanimalβ and it gave your song a unique flair compared to the general direction other entries went in. I liked that there was a bit of a narrative here and thought you had a strong command of song composition. To nitpick, I do think the structure was a bit repetitive, but I do understand you wanted a more folk-y theming, and this lends to that. It feels like it could be read around a campfire, it has a strong sense of atmosphere. As I review this, Iβm realizing I liked this more than I thought originally! Certainly memorable, and very well constructed, good work! 9.Β @EpicSongFanΒ - βSweet Escapeβ (Love Dive is a major bop, first things first.) Iβd like to start off by complimenting the structure of your song. I got a sense of dynamism, i.e. each section introduced a new component of the story, and the moments where itβs meant to peak (Such as the chorus) peaked emotionally, etc. It felt like a fully plotted song with narrative, and I got the sense of it being a commercial pop song. (This was before I checked your instrumental link, btw!) I have two pointers for you: Similar to the advice I gave Kylie Jenner, try to find ways to say plain/common actions and feelings in a fun way. I thought the first verse of the song was creative (A crown of thorns is a neat way to describe a false compliment.), but in contrast, the outro lacked that creativity. Additionally, if you are aiming for a more commercial feel, make sure to commit to conventions such as rhyme scheme: Thereβs a few points where the rhyme scheme is randomly dropped or completely absent, such as in the very first verse, and it makes for an awkward read. Overall, I liked the pop-y approach you took for this! 10.Β @XO_LifeΒ - βBody Make-Upβ I have a lot to say about this song: 1. βI shed skin, not tearsβ is the best one-liner of this round 2. Itβs giving me major Taylor Swift Reputation era vibes? I get a huge commercial edge from this song and itβs got the same scornful feel. I think itβs a lot better written than a lot on that album, too. This song is short and sweet but it doesnβt feel like anythingβs missing. Itβs really well composed, and I just love love love the central line. I think with the additional info you provided in mind, it fits really well for any woman whoβs villainized by the world. Thereβs a lot of great lines here outside of the central one, too: I liked βmy name became a punchlineβ and βevidence is dependent on sympathyβ as well. I honestly think this was the best realization of the very popular snake theming this round. I think you could put up a really strong showing if you continue with one-liners like you did here. Β (One last thing, I think your original title is much stronger than βBody Makeupβ, but I respect your choice as the writer!) 11.Β @beatinglikeadrumΒ - βCock-a-doodle-doβ OK the Lana line made me snort on both readings which is actually a good start because you got a reaction from me. So I donβt agree that you flopped! Letβs look at the positives: You clearly understand the structure needed for this type of song and have a command of rhyme scheme, which is less common than youβd think! So you do have a solid foundation to build off of. There are some nuggets of good bars you could expand on sprinkled throughout. I could see the zodiac lines or the peacock one being refined to make a knockout bar. What I think limits the song are the mixed metaphors. I wouldβve suggested focusing on the bird metaphors, as thatβs less common in rap and all of pop music than the βkittyβ metaphor. If you want to pursue further rap songs, what you could maybe do is take it in the direction of taking down a cocky man, and use the rooster/bird metaphor to springboard and come up with various punchlines, then try to create connective tissue that makes them flow together. Just some ideas. Iβd be interested in seeing you revisit this style of rap tbh! Β Β Thank you so much for this!
DatChickDoe Posted August 27, 2022 Posted August 27, 2022 4 hours ago, Jackson said: Β Wow, what a strong first round! I haven't judged an ATRL songwriting competition in a few years, and I can say definitively that the writing is much stronger now than it was then. Feel free to let me know if you have any questions on your reviews or feedback on my feedback, or if you'd like me to remove any specific references to lines from your lyrics.Β Β Β Β Reveal hidden contents Β Β @Kylie Jenner β Eve This is an interesting angle β I love a religious themed song, but Iβve never seen Eveβs relationship with the snake presented this way. Itβs ambiguous whether sheβs in love with the snake or just enamored by his words, but I kinda love that. Specifically, I really enjoyed the second prechorus and the couplet βyour tongue has tortured me/how can I sleep when all I do is dream?β β I felt like the imagery of a serpentine tongue really strengthened that line. The second half of the bridge was also excellent, especially the line βBut you have no leg to stand on, no bones and no skinβ. At times, I felt like certain lines were written just to maintain the rhyme scheme (pearl and gleam come to mind), but overall, this was a really solid first offering and I canβt wait to see where you go next. Β @Julia FoxΒ β Crying Birds I loved your concept. The way you took something as mundane as chirping birds and twisted it into something more sinister is really interesting. The image of trees getting undressed in preparation for fall was lovely too. There were a couple little grammatical errors that stood out on first read (βwhen all its silenceβ, βsign of life that keep us hereβ) that wonβt affect my score, but I just wanted to make you aware of them. I found it interesting that you hinted at a connection between the crying birds and a lost lover. You could have expanded upon that idea to provide some variety. As is, I did appreciate the ambiguity β it was almost as if your character was trying to forget the person existed, but a different perspective or mood could have helped deepen that feeling. Β @DatChickDoe β Bite This was giving me early 2010s Kesha. The lyrics exuded confidence, almost cockiness in a way that tied in well with the animal motif. Choosing a general animal theme instead of a specific animal was a bold choice, and one that didnβt always play in your favor. Referring to a shark bite in one line and swapping paws in another broke the illusion a bit. Iβm also not entirely sure what the bridge means β I would love to hear what you were thinking. I think overall, your imagery was strong and effective, and there were some lovely lines, such as βLips laced with razors/villain masquerades as a savior/nipping at the nectar withinβ. Your lyrical worldbuilding is quite strong. I think if you kept a little more thematic consistency, it would be even stronger. Β @Hug β Lilith I had never heard of Lilith before or her role in the Garden of Eden, so this was actually quite fresh for me. I did a little Wikipedia-ing to learn more. Itβs so interesting how something as ubiquitous as the creation story can have different translations and storylines. Thus, I appreciated your own modern spin you put on the story, turning the story into one of feminism instead of good vs evil. You toy with the idea that submission is the true evil, and the way you removed the binary present in the original story was interesting. The snake is often depicted as a purely evil force, and you added some ambiguity to that. Lyrically, your sense of rhythm made the song very easy to read. Even the phrasing of some of the lines seemed biblical (βThe trees, there are many, with fruit plenty bear/you should have your choice, this, only fairβ). My one nitpick would be that the phrasing of βI tasted that of knowledgeβ instead of βI tasted of that knowledgeβ seems a little off, even in this format, but thatβs really the only criticism I can think of, and this was one of my favorites this week. Great job! Β @worldwide angel β Eternal Donβt we all wish we were a turtle swimming in a waterfall? Perhaps you were really immersed in the perspective of the turtle, but had you not mentioned what animal you chose in your description, I wouldnβt have known you were writing from the perspective of an animal at all. Lyrically, I felt like you really embodied the joyful serenity associated with a leisurely swim. The only word I can use to describe the prechorus is βadorableβ. βI do a little danceβ ? Β OMG. The image of βshards of salt/lay against my sturdy shieldβ was specifically quite strong. Stylistically, you could have just pressed enter instead of using so many slashes, which I found a little distracting. I also didnβt think the word βmasochistβ fit into the song, which otherwise was quite effectively simple in language. It was also a fairly dark word that weighed down the otherwise light bridge. Overall, this was a pretty solid first offering. Despite the lyrics being fairly simple, you used them to paint an extremely vivid picture and I felt fully immersed in your lyrical waterfall. Β @Allday β Animal For You [TBD] Β @Better MistakesΒ β Donβt Leave My Life You missed a chance to say βbut itβs still RUFF!β β jk, please donβt actually. This song felt very poppy and catchy, but that didn't always translate to lyrical success. I really liked your chosen concept and I did feel the emotion you were trying to convey, but I would have loved to see you go deeper lyrically. There were a couple throwaway lines (βI knew that time was coming with a plasterβ β what does this mean?) that could have been replaced with something to strengthen the story. Specifically, I would have loved to see you delve deeper into the pet and ownerβs bond before the new romantic relationship, which would have heightened the emotion even more when the new relationship entered the storyline.Β Β @hurricane326 β I Walk Alone I had never heard of the Jersey Devil, so I had to do a lil research first. I love this variety of song that serves as both a song and a comprehensive story. Your subject matter and songwriting style here reminded me a lot of Citrus, who went on to win a season a few years ago. Even after reading more about the Jersey Devil, I felt like your song was actually a fairly solid backstory on its own. Specifically, I loved the second stanza where you comprehensively portray the creature. I was a bit confused at the line βOh Lord please protect me/for my lips are now sewnβ, but perhaps this is just a bit of the lore that I missed? The next stanza, starting βHis eyes shine red with contempt for freedomβ was incredibly strong. I feel like this section specifically sold the story. I think it could have helped to have included a bit more background on the main character and why he was searching out this dangerous creature, but I did appreciate that you focused more on the beast itself.Β Β @EpicSongFan β Sweet Escape I definitely feel the relationship between your chosen instrumental and lyrics. I could see this as a girl group type song, or a song where the bird and wolf perspectives are represented by different voices. I think that would almost be necessary, because I felt like the bird and wolf sections werenβt as distinct as they could be, which sometimes made the lyrics confusing (I initially thought, why does a bird have bloodshot red eyes hunting for a treasure?). I also felt as though the song couldnβt fully commit to being either metaphorical (βroaming the nightclubs, hiding within the crowdβ) or literal. Had you chosen committed more fully to one concept instead of going for two, I think the song would have been a bit stronger. Still, I think you get pop lyric writing, and I look forward to seeing what you come up with next week. Β @beatinglikeadrum β Cock-a-doodle-do I kinda screamed when I saw your title. Iβll start with my favorite line: βYouβre acting like a peacock but youβre lacking the feathersβ β I LOVED this. You also really portrayed a sense of cocky sexiness, which worked well with the theme. You didnβt fully commit to one animal, which in some senses worked, but also gave the feel of like a farmhouse orgy and Iβm not sure how I feel about that. I think your song could have benefitted a lot from some editing. There were some nonsensical lines, like βCause I wonβt even look at you unless you have 9β, and a few lines that just needed a bit of cleanup. I wouldnβt fully agree with your characterization of your βfloppingβ β I see real potential in your one-liners and imagery, and I look forward to seeing what you bring next week. Β @camfuckingrockwell β Bluebird The shortness of this made it feel more like poetry than lyrics. I think thereβs so much overlap between the two that this could work really well as an intro or an interlude on an album. This reminds me a lot of the Miranda Lambert song by the same name. Since this framing of this topic is fairly common, I would have loved to see a different twist on the theme or a deeper dive into the bluebirdβs longing to be uncaged. I think the length of the lines and the song overall βcagedβ you into the metaphor and didnβt allow it to fully βsingβ or βfly freeβ. Some of your lines also felt forced in to fit the rhyme scheme, which is something you canβt afford quite as much when writing a short song. I did enjoy the βsentenceβ line β if you wrote a song full of lines like that next week, I think you could be quite successful. Β @TruGeminiΒ β Whisked Away I liked your approach to the challenge. Giving your song double meaning provided a lot more intrigue, and forced me to read through the lyrics a few times. Your lyrical tone also matched the wistful instrumental perfectly. I think the first half of the song committed more fully to the fish theme, and the second half more to the human theme. I do think you struggled a bit with the rhyme scheme in a few places in the song. I loved the internal rhyming in the prechorus, but there were a few lines that seemed forced (βstrideβ/βeyesβ, βdecayβ in the chorus). Otherwise, I did love the titular lines in the chorus, specifically βyou gotta swim back to me, donβt let them whisk us awayβ. It felt folky and classic and flowed effortlessly. Had the rest of the song flowed like that, it would have been one of the strongest entries this week. Β @Jack! β Teddy Bear Iβm not sure if this was intentional, but beyond the Frankenstein elements of the song, I felt like the character was building the perfect man out of a string of one-night stands. I think this theme was more effective than the more sinister, literal piecing together of a personβs body parts, although I appreciated the dark, homoerotic Build-A-Bear thing going on. Structurally, your song flowed really well and your rhymes were super catchy. My favorite part of the song was the chorus, which I felt had strong, descriptive imagery but was catchy enough to work as a hook. My only criticism would be that it wasnβt entirely clear whether you were going for a more human or more monster-ish theme. Overall, this was still one of the strongest entries this week and one that keeps me looking forward to what youβll write in the coming weeks. Β @Augmented β Night owl Iβd advise against sharing a negative perception of your own song β because for me your grievances didnβt wholly apply. My main criticism would be that the song felt a little unedited β small errors like βpeaksβ vs βpiquesβ and βpearsβ vs βpeersβ might have been caught after a couple reads through. Otherwise, I actually really enjoyed this. I thought the story was fairly clear, and your song reminded me of TruGeminiβs in that there were almost two storylines occurring at once β one literal and one metaphorical. I felt fully immersed in the calm, solitary night you depicted in your lyrics, and it felt like an effective backdrop against both the secretive lovers and night owls. I really loved the 4th verse, and I felt like that was where the story really took off. If there was one aspect of the story that was slightly confusing, itβs the shady figure in the car. Is this one of the lovers or a third character in the story? Still, I think you did a good job this week and I know youβll only do better in the weeks to come. Β @Gavin. β Stung The musicality of these lyrics came across pretty clearly. I could see this being either a synthy dance-pop type song or something with a strong electric guitar lead. Because it read so much like a pop song, itβs hard not to compare it to something like a Britney Spears βToxicβ type song. I think this type of song has been done before fairly frequently, which isnβt necessarily a problem, but Iβm not sure if you provided a fresh angle to the theme. Your final line felt a little forced when it could have been something more powerful. Still, there were some really nice lines here. I loved βThe venom was hidden in something of beautyβ and the internal rhyming of βBoth primal, a feeling of survivalβ.Β Β @Legend E β Moving With The Speed of Light I really like your chosen concept here β simple and straightforward, yet something I havenβt seen in a song before. The play on words with cheetah/cheater also added to the theme. Still, I think there were some lyrical inconsistencies here. At the beginning of the song, the character seems quite proud of their promiscuity (βa prizefighter but my body count is my rewardβ) yet near the end talks about cheating through pain, before reverting back to the perspective. In your description you hint at these possibly being two sides of the same hookup culture, but I think it could have been more effectively presented as a transition from one to the other, or as a duet with multiple perspectives. Instead, I think individual lines end up being a lot more effective than the song as a whole. I really enjoyed βIβve always left before the confetti falls downβ and βwhatever frightens me will remainβ. I think if you had stitched these lines together in a way that was clearer from a storytelling perspective, this could have been a near perfect entry. Β @Achilles. β Hibernate Before I even read the rest of your song, I need to say that βIt must be open season on my happinessβ is a 10/10 opening line β I instantly know what youβre writing about and Iβm invested before even reaching the second line. This reads as one of the more musical and less poetic entries, and here I think it worked really well. I could see this as a country or folk song. In addition to the opening line, I loved βIβll just sleep these blues away/itβs time to hibernateβ. There was a wistful sense of defeat that felt tangible. While thereβs no specific line I would critique, overall, I think you could have been more devoted to either the metaphoric angle or added some additional storytelling elements. For this song, the second probably would have been more effective. Adding personal details or descriptions would have deepened the lyrical emotion and made the song that much more impactful. I also have to note that βhoney, I canβt bear to be so anxiousβ was witty and a great nod to the challenge. This was a super solid first entry! Β @Euterpe β Small Beginnings Why did a think olive ridley was like a cocktail or something? Glad I googled that one. I definitely got the Little Mermaid vibes here too β I could almost imagine a chorus of lil fishies coming out to harmonize on that post-chorus. What is it with all the turtle songs this round just being adorable? I appreciate that you took a more literal approach to this round, but it could have strengthened the song to add some deeper meaning beyond literally just talking about baby turtles crawling towards the ocean. Still, I think you personified the turtles quite well, and little details like βa crack in the shell, a broken curseβ helped me imagine the setting of the song. βTurtles of my kindβ was an interesting choice of words for a song, but it was so cute I didnβt mind at all. If nothing else, you should sell this to Disney β Iβd love to see Halle Bailey singing this. Β @Temporal β Halcyonβs Wings I instinctively pulled out my thesaurus after seeing your name, and the title only reinforced that reflex. After reading the song, I was surprised to only see only high school level vocabulary rather than AP English, but the simpler language was much easier to draw emotion from, and, knowing you, every word was purposefully chosen β and I think you made the right choices here. Thereβs quite a few choices of one-liners to highlight, but I really loved βIβm a petrified passenger to my own lifeβ and βLike the moon in the day ignoring the timeβ. Iβm also a huge fan of questions in lyrics to draw introspection, and I think your delivery was effective. My one minor quip would be that your use of halcyon seemed relatively arbitrary. You could have injected additional meaning through referencing memories of an idyllic past in relation to the actual bird, or referenced seasons of happiness interspersed with stormy seas of depression. Regardless, this was a definitive highlight of the round for me, and proof that youβve only gotten better with time. I think by reining in the contrived language youβve made it a lot easier to connect with the lyrics, and it feels more purposeful when you do choose to include a more descriptive word. Β @Remmy β The Zoo The faces I made in the coffee shop while reading this β I donβt know if I can show my face here again. I know irreverent sex songs are kinda your thing, but most of these lines still felt original. I can probably say definitively that no oneβs ever written the line βand the smellβs fishy too, like tuna mixed with glueβ before. The first verse had me thinking you were going in a different direction, and following that immediately with βuncaged, rip my chastity belt offβ was jarring in the best kind of way. There were a few lines that werenβt totally necessary (was βOh wow, oh my, good God, good griefβ just there to rhyme with βBarrier Reefβ?), but those were fairly uncommon. Iβd also highlight β***** pink, red meat, it takes some time to chewβ as a highlight, as well as βIβm the freakiest beast in my genusβ. There were probably 5 or 6 other highlights, but I donβt want to post your entire song here, so hopefully you post it in the thread for everyone else to enjoy. I donβt want to encourage you to do sex songs almost every week again, but this was excellent. Β @JoeAg β Tyto Alba I think the Thesaurus King torch has officially been passed on to you from Temporal. Thereβs definitely nothing wrong with using less common words in songs, and at times they can convey a sense of meaning thatβs more precise than using a more general word. The downside is that they can make a song more academic and less emotive. I think that became the case here, where more conversational lines, such as βOh, and part of me still craves your warmthβ felt jarring in the same song as βYour simulacrum sparks into my mind at randomβ. Otherwise, this was a lovely entry, and probably one of my favorites Iβve read from you. The beginning of the song was incredibly strong and included one of my favorite couplets β βcascaded as we caressed, wings wrapped so sweetly/but it is time for you to fly, you need my warmth no longerβ. Like Remmy, but also not at all like Remmy lyrically, there were too many standout lines here to quote. Your song felt poetic yet accessible, wordy yet simple, in a way that made the lyrics feel universal despite the specific owl references. You strung together series of one liners in a way that felt purposeful and created a larger story β something few other people mastered this round. I look forward to seeing where you go from here! Β @XO_Life β Body Make-Up βI shed skin not tearsβ β what a stellar line, a perfect way to start a chorus. Your lyrics felt catchy and poppy, yet still distinctive enough to work in a lyric writing competition. The verses were short, and while I think your first verse was effective, the second verse wasnβt as impactful. The clown and apple imagery felt unnecessary in the context of the song. Otherwise, I think you made the most of fairly short lyrics. This was extremely evident in the bridge, where, despite the repetition, you delivered one of the best lines of the song: βnowadays evidence is dependent on sympathyβ. I read your description after reading through the lyrics once, and while they made the lyrics more impactful and shed additional light on the theme, I think the song still stood strongly on its own. Overall, I think this was a strong first entry, and had the second verse been tightened up a bit, would have been an absolute standout this round. Β Β Β Β Very great feedback from you and the others. I really appreciate your time
Euterpe Posted August 27, 2022 Posted August 27, 2022 @JacksonΒ Thank you! Iβm glad you got the Disney vibes.Β
Achilles. Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 3 hours ago, fountain said: Tease: the second challenge will be a multiple choice challengeβ¦ Β featuring a very famous quartetβ¦ Β who may or may not be going their separate ways? Β Β Β Β Β
XO_Life Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 (edited) Thanks for the feedback you guys! Β @8thPrince I definitely was going for that taylor vibe! Thanks for noticing! Β and yes, my writing is more commercial than experimental.Β Β @JacksonΒ thanks for noticing the poppy vibe! The second verse was me trying to add a poetry-ish element. Edited August 28, 2022 by XO_Life
fountain Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 (edited) Β Β Round 1 might not be over yet until tomorrowβs results show, but itβs time to debut the challenge for Round 2! Β This is a challenge that the judges have all been working and collaborating on for the last few days, and we hope everybody finds it entertaining! Β We bring youβ¦ Β Β Let me introduce you to the four unique singers - though Iβm sure you all already know them - who we will be working with this round. Welcome to the world of BLACKGOLD. Β BLACKGOLD Wiki Β BLACKGOLD, as Iβm sure you all already know, is the biggest girl group on the planet! Or, should we say, was the biggest girl group on the planet. Itβs with shock and sadness that BLACKGOLD have just announced their disbandment after 8 years of immense success.Β But, with this, comes an exciting opportunity. Each of the four former members of the group now stands on the precipice of a brand new solo career. Golden Hit is teaming up with these individual superstars to make sure your songs are the first that they hear on their budding solo journeys, an incredible opportunity to potentially make music with one of the biggest pop stars in the world! The only question is, which member will you choose? Let us introduce you to them: Β Aria Thurney Mentored by @8thPrince Β Profile: Quote Aria Thurney is an American singer, songwriter, model, and former member of the group BLACKGOLD. Aria is known for her androgynous appearance, quiet yet dark personality, and public discontent with BLACKGOLD's music. Solo: Quote "Aria wants songs that provoke listeners and make them question the world around them. Powerful, thought-provoking lyrics, or songs with novel concepts are welcome. We need all types of songs to build her debut album, but donβt forget weβre also looking for a dynamite debut single! Aria also is known for her intense performances on stage, and we could use a song with a commercial edge and memorable one-liners. Ultimately, we want to launch a megastar that will eclipse all of Blackgold: All submissions would do well to have some sort of pop appeal." Β Diana Diamond Mentored by @Jackson Β Profile: Quote IngibjΓΆrg GuΓ°mundursdottir, known professionally as Diana Diamond, is an Icelandic-American singer, songwriter, actress, and model. She came to prominence as a member of the girl group BLACKGOLD, which became one of the best selling girl groups of all time. As part of the group, Diana became known for her attention-grabbing style, fiery personality, and bombastic vocals. As tensions grew among the group, Diamond announced her intention to pursue a solo career in August 2022. Solo: Quote "I'll always cherish my time with the girls, but we've come to the mutual conclusion that it's time to move forward to the next chapter of my- I mean our careers. I wish them the best of luck singing at state fairs or whatever. I've signed a new deal with Platinum Records and I want my debut to be big. I love big, bright hooks, colorful metaphors and imagery, and a song that feels fun, summery, and like it'll sell a few million copies. You only get one chance to make it as a solo star, so I'm looking for a song to drop jaws and make the world forget that I was once just a part of a four-piece act." Β Β Dianaβs official Spotify playlist: Β Β Audrey Onyx Mentored by @Aurora Β Profile: Quote Β Audrey Ophelia Nixon (born March 31, 1999), known professionally as Audrey Onyx, is an Australian-American singer, songwriter, rapper, and dancer based in Platvia. Born in Australia and raised in the United States, Onyx signed with American label Platinum Records following a successful audition in 2014 to become the fourth member of the girl group BLACKGOLD, who went on to release four studio albums and numerous chart-topping hit singles. In August 2022, following the group's official disbandment, Onyx signed dual publishing and recording contracts with long-time industry friend and mentor Aurora's independent label, Aurora Records, in order to embark on a solo career. Onyx's debut single as a soloist is anticipated to be released in September 2022, followed by an album. Β Solo: Quote "While things didn't end the way I hoped they would, I am a very spiritual person and believe everything happens for a reason. My very dear friend and mentor Aurora has signed me to her independent label, Aurora Records, and I intend to make my upcoming solo debut album, Ophelia, a true representation of my authentic self. Despite my signature half-black, half-gold hair style and edgy persona in the group, I'm ready for a more mature direction. I've been inspired by Lana Del Rey, Lorde, and Phoebe Bridgers lately, but I also really love Clairo, and have made most of the tracks on my forthcoming album alone in my bedroom. I hope to walk that line between indie bedroom pop and alternative crossover smash hit." Β Audrey's official Spotify playlist: Β Β Yin Yin Mentored by @fountain Β Profile: Quote Yin Yin is a British Chinese singer-songwriter, musician and composer, known for being a former member of BLACKGOLD. Yin Yin is commonly referred to as the "enigma" of the group, and as such little information is known publicly on her personal life and her time in the group. Solo: Quote "Yin Yin's time in BLACKGOLD was quite tumultuous, she tried to make the most of their fortune and the blessing that they had in such success, but struggled dealing with the pressure and attention that came with this. All of this of course culminated in her hiatus from the group at the end of 2021, which I hear was dealt with badly, both by the other members and management. I don't totally know what happened, but it's clear that she was scorned in some way by what occurred, and lacked the support that she should have received. She had a very genuine reason for stepping away at that time, yet the others didn't appreciate this and thought of themselves first. Yin Yin put up with a lot in the group but always did her best in putting her all into it, and when push came to shove she was let down. I can imagine that the disbandment might be somewhat of a relief to her, no matter how bittersweet". Β "I can say definitively that she is looking at working on solo music. Music is in Yin Yin's soul, evident by the numerous instruments that she plays, so it's only natural that she will eventually be back. Unlike the other members, Yin Yin isn't looking for demos, but rather a co-writer who can assist her in crafting her debut, and is willing to put as much time and effort into it as it takes, to create something which she can be perfectly proud of. Yin Yin is looking for a likeminded writer who excels at putting emotion across in their writing, since there are a lot of emotional topics that she would like to touch on in her music. She wants to retain a degree of the enigmatic persona that she has developed, so while I imagine her songs will be heavy on emotional content, they will remain open to interpretation, accompanied by unique metaphors and viewpoints on the world and herself. People often forget that Yin Yin has a degree in psychology, and it is inevitable that she will incorporate and use her understanding of this world in her writing. It is likely that Yin Yin will choose to reveal details about what lead to her hiatus, and put across just how scorned she was by her treatment. Ultimately, it's clear from what I've heard that Yin Yin's solo music is going to be incredibly personal, and like a true introduction of herself to the world. I can't wait to hear what she does, as it is sure to be one of the most interesting post-BLACKGOLD releases". Yin Yin's official Spotify playlist: Β Β Your challenge this round is to write a song that fits what one of these artists is looking for with their solo debut. Β You can read the full history of BLACKGOLD and take a deeper look at each former memberβs lives using the wiki links below: BLACKGOLD Aria Thurney Diana Diamond Audrey Onyx Yin Yin Β Songs due via Google Form submission by Thursday September 1st, 11:59PM ET Β @Julia Fox@Euterpe@Legend E@hurricane326@Jack!@Remmy@Allday@TruGemini@Temporal@Achilles.@Hooker Barbie@Better Mistakes@Augmented@XO_Life@Gavin.@Astro@beatinglikeadrum@CountryBritney@FCKNAmbrosia@JonginBey@DatChickDoe@worldwide angelΒ @Kylie JennerΒ @JoeAgΒ @HugΒ @EpicSongFanΒ @camfuckingrockwell Β Edited August 28, 2022 by fountain
ATRL Moderator Legend E Posted August 28, 2022 ATRL Moderator Posted August 28, 2022 oh wow Β hard but cute one
8thPrince Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 This challenge was soooo fun to create, I hope you enjoy it!Β Β Iβd strongly suggest reading each part of the wiki entries, theyβre all different and you may find something in each girlβs history/personal lives that spark a song idea
XO_Life Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 Just now, 8thPrince said: This challenge was soooo fun to create, I hope you enjoy it!Β Β Iβd strongly suggest reading each part of the wiki entries, theyβre all different and you may find something in each girlβs history/personal lives that spark a song idea So Diana wants that summer banger? Done.
fountain Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 2 minutes ago, 8thPrince said: This challenge was soooo fun to create, I hope you enjoy it!Β Β Iβd strongly suggest reading each part of the wiki entries, theyβre all different and you may find something in each girlβs history/personal lives that spark a song idea this, absolutely!Β
Remmy Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 oh wow this concept & the execution is an eat may or may not participate since I'm only doing Bronze Hit but we'll see nn
fountain Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 1 minute ago, Remmy said: oh wow this concept & the execution is an eat may or may not participate since I'm only doing Bronze Hit but we'll see nn don't let our girls down, i'm sure they're all dying for a Remmy penned hit
worldwide angel Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 20 hours ago, fountain said: Β Round 1: The Zoology Challenge, Part 1Β Spoiler @Kylie Jenner - Eve Congrats on being the first submission of season two! Immediately, my initial thought when looking at your submission was that your concept was a really creative way of meeting the challenge of writing inspired by an animal, while incorporating biblical themes throughΒ the story of Eve; this is very well thought out conceptually and a really strong start on that front. Lyrically I think your song is quite strong too, the song overall is very cohesive and puts its message and story across well, and there is no part that wavers or falls flat in that regard. I would say that when it comes to some specific lines though, I think the writing couldβve been pushed further. There are some instances throughout the song where the lyric itself can lack uniqueness a bit - general ideas such as dealing with the demons, loving the pain, it making you insane, these are pretty beaten to death in music and I think perhaps you could have pushed the creativity in these parts a little more so that lyrically the creativeness was as strong as the concept behind the song itself; ultimately some of these specific lines felt almost as if they were kind of like the first thing that came to your mind and you just went with it, and I think the easy rhymes that are in these parts of the songs also heightened the feeling. On the contrary, to praise a part that I thought was the strongest lyrically, I really enjoyed the bridge, specifically the two final lines of the song which I think were the most resonant. Ultimately I would say that in the future I would work more to make sure that each lyric in your song is unique as well as being purposeful to the overall song, and that will strengthen your writing as a whole to the same high that I think you have shown your concepts to be on first impression, and hopefully those concepts continue to be interesting like this one! Overall though for a first entry this is a very solid, good job. Β @Julia Fox - Crying Birds I think this song demonstrates what began at the end of season one, which is amazing growth in your writing, and itβs amazing to see this continue. I think that conceptually this is one of your most interesting songs to date, and probably the best executed in terms of matching the overall themes about questioning behind the song, with your writing, which is a great pairing here. What I like is that youβve really painted this picture here and the song itself is very vivid, I too want to know what is going on with the birds and how they are, and it almost gave a dystopian novel type feeling to the song, that something sinister is brewing and the protagonist in the song can do nothing but be witness to it and notice these things and what is happening to the world. In terms of the challenge this is obviously a great success too since the birds are such an integral part of the story and the lyrics, the song truly takes inspiration from them so youβve done a wonderful job tackling the challenge. Overall I found this to be a really intriguing and enjoyable entry, in general I do typically love questioning themes and writing that is open to interpretation, but I do truly think that you excelled in this style regardless and that this is one of the best songs Iβve seen from you; great job! Β @DatChickDoe - Bite I really enjoyed the overall vibe of this song, it gives me dark club feels, I can picture it as like a Tove Lo song or something like that, so itβs well written in the sense that I can really visualise this song and hear it too, to a degree. I also enjoyed the back and forth between the two people in the song, the predator and the prey if you will, and that at the end of the song the prey steps up to bite; this gives the song a great energy throughout it and means it never feels stagnant or lacking storywise. I will say, in terms of the challenge itself, I donβt think this is the best execution of it. While there are some animalistic phrases and behaviour within the song, there is only two specific mentions of animals, which is the widow in the bridge and the shark in the first verse, and I think the premise of the challenge was more so to write a song that encompasses a specific animal rather than animalistic behaviour in general; however I canβt fault you too much on this because it seems mostly to be more of a misunderstanding of the challenge rather than a lacking interpretation of it, I think. There are some lyrics that I found particularly strong, I really enjoyed the second verse (the Shakespeare part of the song) and the chorus as a whole is also very solid and has some very nice writing to it, these moments your word choice and writing really shined and I look forward to the future and seeing your develop this more and see what you can create, because I think you have it in you to peak right at the top with some more experience and work. Overall a good start to the season.Β Β @Hug - Lilith Okay, so this is the second snake from the Garden of Eden song, but I still think itβs a really creative and interesting take on the challenge, so Iβm not going to let that skew my impression of your song. *insert me reading the song here* Well, I have to say, I think this is genius. Youβve so excellently retold the biblical story in a interesting way here and from a fresh perspective, with which the song is filled to the brim with nuance and layers that I think is just, as I said, genius. Not only have you tackled the challenge and also brought in the story of Adam and Eve and the snake/Lilith in a really fresh and interesting way, but on top of all this youβve also added in really powerful themes of what it means to be a women; themes which are still timely to this day, and when you contrast that literally to the story of humanityβs creation, itβs really impressive. Now, one could still attempt all of this but ultimately fail due to the writing not pulling this all off; but of course, that isnβt the case with you, your writing is as strong as ever and your lyrics remain tight and smooth throughout the song. I could certainly be forgetting specifics about season one, but Iβm definitely inclined to agree with what you posted in the thread - this is probably the best song youβve submitted in Golden Hit thus far. Seriously fantastic. Β @worldwide angel - Eternal Wow, reading this song was literally so refreshing and blissful, I was so happy and excited while reading it. Being able to achieve that with your writing is such an incredible sign of something special and with this being the first song Iβve ever read from you, Iβm immediately really impressed and intrigued in what you could write in the future for the next challenges. Even though the song has a sombre ending, my impression of it is still beaming and so joyous because your writing itself to me completely embodied that feeling and has such an overall dreamlike, starry presence to it that even though it went there, it still feels beautiful, if that makes sense? The song itself conceptually too is such a unique idea - a turtle swimming in a waterfall - like who thinks of that? Your mind! This is an instance where I kind of struggle to know what to say because I enjoyed the experience of reading the song so much that itβs hard to not gush solely about that. But, do you mind if thatβs what this review mostly consists of? Because thatβs how I felt and the reaction I had reading your song. I loved it, and I cannot wait to see what you write next.Β Β @Better Mistakes - Donβt Leave My Life So I read the description of your song first and I was wondering wtf I was about to get myself into, but actually it was a nice pleasant surprise to see how sweet the song actually was. There are some really lovely lyrics here and the overall sentiment of the song, and the theme of wondering about being abandoned or forgotten by somebody important to you, is really well put across. I feel though that the song is perhaps a little short, the two verses are only 4 lines each, the bridge is mostly repetition, and unfortunately this means that there is less area for your writing to be shown off; I think these sections could have used with being expanded, which could have given you more room to impress lyrically, and also more potential to develop the narrative and the story of the song further. I have to say, I donβt get any animal inspiration from this. Like, none at all. If you hadnβt have said that this was intended to be read from the perspective of a pet, then I absolutely never would have guessed that it was supposed to be. Still, even with that context, the song doesnβt resemble the focus of the challenge, in my opinion. That said, the challenge can be put aside and if we look at the song itself, I think this is a very sweet and sentimental song, and I believe it is one of the songs I have enjoyed reading from you the most; so in that regard this is a good job.Β Β @hurricane326 - I Walk Alone I had never heard of the Jersey Devil before so took to googling it quickly, really interesting to hear about! Iβm glad that somebody chose to go down the route of a folklore creature for this challenge, and I think this concept was perfect for you and paired with your writing style magnificently. I love that you have taken the inspiration of a creature from folklore that is often feared, or used to scare, and instead portrayed the creature here in your song as sympathetic and deserving of empathy, it really shows your nuance both in your concepts and with your writing, since you absolutely pulled it off. The multiple uses of the key phrase βaloneβ and the way that the idea of being alone was adapted throughout the song and took on different meanings was also marvellous, and made for a really great and fulfilling reading experience. As usual, your writing and the lyrics themselves are very strong throughout the entirety of the song, helping lift up and not only tell your story but also force the reader to visualise it in their mind, the sign of a great storyteller. Overall, I think youβve done a fantastic and unique job here, another very impressive song from you! Β Β 11 hours ago, Aurora said: Β Hey, Hitmakers! Thank you all for supporting and submitting for Round 1 of Golden Hit: Season 2! It was a pleasure reading all of your songs again. Due to time constraints on my end, my reviews for R1 are going to be on the shorter side. Fortunately, I should be able to delve in a little deeper for R2! If there is anything in your review that you do not wish to have public (lyric excerpts, references to your material etc.) I will remove it upon request. Β Β Hide contents 1. @Kylie JennerΒ - βEveβ I enjoyed this a lot. Your animal of choice was clever, and complemented the well known tale of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden very naturally. The lyrics and images that referred to the snake, such as spitting words like venom, βcold blooded loveβ, and the latter part of the bridge were definitely highlights. Thank you for a strong start to Golden Hit: Season 2! 2. @Julia FoxΒ - βCrying Birdsβ This was a hauntingly beautiful sentiment. Itβs very true that the common folkβs understanding of avian communication is rather rudimentary, and what we may interpret as happy, carefree singing could be something else entirely. I also interpreted this piece as sort of a pessimistβs worldview; everything has been so sad since that special someone left, that even happy birds are interpreted as a negative. Thought-provoking! 3. @DatChickDoeΒ - βBiteβ I definitely wasnβt expecting this animal inspiration, but Iβm pleasantly surprised. You could have gone down the water imagery angle, and while you did a little in the second verse, I like how youβve committed to a dance club setting. The image of someone circling the dance floor like a shark circling its prey definitely worked! Iβm glad you had fun, because I had fun reading it, and it was nice to see something like this from you this season. 4. @HugΒ - βLilithβ I certainly didnβt anticipate many overlapping animals this round, let alone the specific snake from the garden of Eden. Curious! This was an interesting offering from you, and I enjoyed the risk of some of the more archaic syntax. It was a definitely stylistic choice that I believe aided this piece. We love an equality anthem, and as far as they go, this was definitely a strong one. 5. @worldwide angelΒ - βEternalβ Welcome to the tournament! This was a nice first offering from you, I didnβt pick up on your animal inspiration at first but upon a re-read, lyrics such as the first journey and βsturdy shieldβ made a lot more sense. You have a strong sense of rhythm and, I imagine, melody. Lyrically, I think there was definitely more room for opportunity to expand on some of those comparisons between daydreaming in the shower and a turtle in a waterfall, and creating some interesting, deep metaphors while retaining all of that lovely imagery. Well done! 6. @AlldayΒ - βAnimal For Youβ I will update this review once your song is accessible. 7. @Better MistakesΒ - βDon't Leave My Lifeβ I didnβt pick up on the animal inspiration until I read your other information section, which in reality just means your song could be interpreted in a number of different ways. I think for this specific challenge, it would have been strengthened by a handful of lyrics that made it clear it was from a petβs perspective amongst the more ambiguous and all-applicable lyricism. The bridge could have been that perfect βa-haβ moment where any misconceptions that the song is from the point of view of a person rather than an animal are cleared up. 8. @hurricane326Β - βI Walk Aloneβ This was fantastic! Being an uncultured Australian, I hadnβt actually heard of the Jersey Devil, so that was certainly an eye-opening read. After a quick education from the University of Wikipedia, I can say youβve done a wonderful effort to integrate so many details into this piece, yet when reading it unaware of these details, it still translates as an epic, almost Nordic folk type song. Your unique style and poetic aptitude served you well here, and this was a strong debut for you this season. 9. @EpicSongFanΒ - βSweet Escapeβ Birds and wolves are definitely solid choices for inspiration, especially in a contrasting manner such as this. The second verse is great, combining the nightclub setting with the animal inspiration in a wonderfully metaphorical manner. At times, I felt as if there were too many contrasting images or ideas that didnβt seem to fit these core themes (nightclub, birds/wolves) such as the crown of thorns, and seeking treasure. Honing in on your main ideas and making everything work together would have elevated this even more. 10. @XO_LifeΒ - βBody Make-Upβ Iβd like to preface this review by saying I donβt know a lot about this situation, and donβt wish or intend to cause any offence. The connection to your animal inspiration was very, very loose, and thatβs being generous. The βsnakeβ in question is referring to the definition of a treacherous or deceitful person rather than the animal itself. That aside, this had an opportunity to be a statement piece, but I donβt think it packed enough of an emotional punch, for want of a better term. You definitely have potential and I look forward to your next song! 11. @beatinglikeadrumΒ - βCock-a-doodle-doβ Oh wow, trying to upstage Remmyβs iconic βFlowerbloomβ, are we?! This was really something. I honestly really liked your verses, you integrated the bird references very well, and there were some genuinely funny lines. βYou're acting like a peacock but you're lacking the feathers,β was great, and I legitimately screamed at, βI'll only think about you while reading a horoscope for the chinese zodiac signs.β I get the chorus, but I would have liked to see something more lyrically engaging, and I know youβre capable of that! The βColaβ reference tho, on point. Β 12. @camfuckingrockwellΒ - βBluebirdβ This was a little on the shorter side. To me, this reads like a fantastic starting point for a song! You have two verses, a chorus, and maybe a bridge or outro section. Your animal of choice was a good fit for the style of song you have gone for. With some expansion and rearrangement, this definitely has potential. Β 13. @TruGeminiΒ - βWhisked Awayβ I honestly donβt know if this is chaos or genius. Chaotic genius, perhaps? Writing a song that can be interpreted from the perspective of a humble fish or an arrested human was certainly not what I expected going into reading this entry, yet somehow you made it work. Part of me still thinks itβs a bit of a reach, but hey, itβs your art! Thank you for the creative concept. 14. @Jack!Β - βTeddy Bearβ Similarly to TruGeminiβs review, I donβt know if this is chaos or genius? Objectively speaking this was quite a fun read, even if I didnβt really βclickβ what the song was about until maybe halfway through since Iβm definitely not so inclined. Iβm here to judge entries however, not people, and this was a well-constructed, well-written, and highly inventive song. The animal inspiration was loose, but I can see the trail of thought clearly. Nice work! 15. @AugmentedΒ - βNight owlβ Lack of inspiration, who? Or should I say hoot? I love owls! This was such a wonderfully constructed song from the way it seemed as if it was setting up to depict the owl and boy as unlikely friends/allies in the dead of night, to the revelation of the true meaning of the song. Being a night owl myself, as well as one who has snuck out after dark to experience similar rendezvous, I felt very connected to this piece. Just wonderful! 16. @Gavin.Β - βStungβ Ooh, another rather unique choice of animal, albeit a clever one. Scorpions definitely lend themselves to lyrical interpretation, I think! The prechorus was really wonderful here. Iβd have liked to see longer verses that expanded on the metaphor more, the bridge was a great balance of metaphor and true meaning. Overall I think this was a really solid approach to the challenge. A good debut! 17. @Legend EΒ - βMoving With The Speed of Lightβ Iβm enjoying seeing all of these different animal inspirations and their clever lyrical interpretations. The cheetah/cheater angle was done well, reinforced by the fast life aspect also. While I canβt relate a lot to this piece, I consider it to be a well formulated and cleverly written work. The floor stained red by ignored feelings was a powerful image. An exciting start to this season for you! 18. @Achilles.Β - βHibernateβ I knew you were worried about nothing! This was another strong offering from you. The usage of βbearβ in the non-animal sense throughout the verses was clever, and didnβt feel thrown in haphazardly. The chorus was simple, sweet, and effective. Weβve all wanted that before. Iβm not sure if you were making a political statement in the second verse, but it definitely could be interpreted as a reference to deforestation and global warming alike, which is fantastic. A stellar outing from you this season. 19. @EuterpeΒ - βSmall Beginningsβ This was very nice, perhaps almost too nice? Baby sea turtles have one of the most notoriously difficult journeys from sand to sea upon hatching, as even outlined in the video you linked. It almost feels remiss not to represent this? That said, this was a well-written piece from a more literal interpretation of the challenge and, for the lucky few who do make it, it is a nice ode to them. 20. @TemporalΒ - βHalcyonβs Wingsβ Welcome back to the fold! I havenβt had the pleasure of reading any of your material in a long while, and I have to say it has been worth the wait. Your inspiration was beautiful, and the selection of the Halcyon birds complemented the wordβs adjective meaning in a clever manner. The uncaged bird imagery in the second verse was another great moment for these two intersecting concepts. The closing couplet in the chorus really was just lovely. Thank you for submitting! 21. @RemmyΒ - βTHE ZOOβ Oh wow, I definitely did not expect this angle from you!! /s In all seriousness, I think the break between seasons was kind to you, this was definitely your strongest sex bop since βFlowerbloomβ. Like the aforementioned, it satisfied the challenge in an interesting way without compromising on quality, standout lyrics. Admittedly, not everything is sensational, but the Barrier Reef section sent me, andβI wonβt lieβI ugly cry-laughed at, βSuckin' out my milk while I let out a mooβ. Β 22. @JoeAgΒ - βTyto Albaβ I really love owls. This was quite simply immaculate. Definitely my favourite song youβve submitted for a Golden Hit tournament thus far, it resonated with me so intensely. It satisfied the challenge in a way that felt so effortless and natural and I almost got lost in the beauty and honesty of this song. I donβt really have much more to say other than thank you for writing this and sharing it with us. Β 7 hours ago, Jackson said: Β Wow, what a strong first round! I haven't judged an ATRL songwriting competition in a few years, and I can say definitively that the writing is much stronger now than it was then. Feel free to let me know if you have any questions on your reviews or feedback on my feedback, or if you'd like me to remove any specific references to lines from your lyrics.Β Β Β Β Hide contents Β Β @Kylie Jenner β Eve This is an interesting angle β I love a religious themed song, but Iβve never seen Eveβs relationship with the snake presented this way. Itβs ambiguous whether sheβs in love with the snake or just enamored by his words, but I kinda love that. Specifically, I really enjoyed the second prechorus and the couplet βyour tongue has tortured me/how can I sleep when all I do is dream?β β I felt like the imagery of a serpentine tongue really strengthened that line. The second half of the bridge was also excellent, especially the line βBut you have no leg to stand on, no bones and no skinβ. At times, I felt like certain lines were written just to maintain the rhyme scheme (pearl and gleam come to mind), but overall, this was a really solid first offering and I canβt wait to see where you go next. Β @Julia FoxΒ β Crying Birds I loved your concept. The way you took something as mundane as chirping birds and twisted it into something more sinister is really interesting. The image of trees getting undressed in preparation for fall was lovely too. There were a couple little grammatical errors that stood out on first read (βwhen all its silenceβ, βsign of life that keep us hereβ) that wonβt affect my score, but I just wanted to make you aware of them. I found it interesting that you hinted at a connection between the crying birds and a lost lover. You could have expanded upon that idea to provide some variety. As is, I did appreciate the ambiguity β it was almost as if your character was trying to forget the person existed, but a different perspective or mood could have helped deepen that feeling. Β @DatChickDoe β Bite This was giving me early 2010s Kesha. The lyrics exuded confidence, almost cockiness in a way that tied in well with the animal motif. Choosing a general animal theme instead of a specific animal was a bold choice, and one that didnβt always play in your favor. Referring to a shark bite in one line and swapping paws in another broke the illusion a bit. Iβm also not entirely sure what the bridge means β I would love to hear what you were thinking. I think overall, your imagery was strong and effective, and there were some lovely lines, such as βLips laced with razors/villain masquerades as a savior/nipping at the nectar withinβ. Your lyrical worldbuilding is quite strong. I think if you kept a little more thematic consistency, it would be even stronger. Β @Hug β Lilith I had never heard of Lilith before or her role in the Garden of Eden, so this was actually quite fresh for me. I did a little Wikipedia-ing to learn more. Itβs so interesting how something as ubiquitous as the creation story can have different translations and storylines. Thus, I appreciated your own modern spin you put on the story, turning the story into one of feminism instead of good vs evil. You toy with the idea that submission is the true evil, and the way you removed the binary present in the original story was interesting. The snake is often depicted as a purely evil force, and you added some ambiguity to that. Lyrically, your sense of rhythm made the song very easy to read. Even the phrasing of some of the lines seemed biblical (βThe trees, there are many, with fruit plenty bear/you should have your choice, this, only fairβ). My one nitpick would be that the phrasing of βI tasted that of knowledgeβ instead of βI tasted of that knowledgeβ seems a little off, even in this format, but thatβs really the only criticism I can think of, and this was one of my favorites this week. Great job! Β @worldwide angel β Eternal Donβt we all wish we were a turtle swimming in a waterfall? Perhaps you were really immersed in the perspective of the turtle, but had you not mentioned what animal you chose in your description, I wouldnβt have known you were writing from the perspective of an animal at all. Lyrically, I felt like you really embodied the joyful serenity associated with a leisurely swim. The only word I can use to describe the prechorus is βadorableβ. βI do a little danceβ ? Β OMG. The image of βshards of salt/lay against my sturdy shieldβ was specifically quite strong. Stylistically, you could have just pressed enter instead of using so many slashes, which I found a little distracting. I also didnβt think the word βmasochistβ fit into the song, which otherwise was quite effectively simple in language. It was also a fairly dark word that weighed down the otherwise light bridge. Overall, this was a pretty solid first offering. Despite the lyrics being fairly simple, you used them to paint an extremely vivid picture and I felt fully immersed in your lyrical waterfall. Β @Allday β Animal For You [TBD] Β @Better MistakesΒ β Donβt Leave My Life You missed a chance to say βbut itβs still RUFF!β β jk, please donβt actually. This song felt very poppy and catchy, but that didn't always translate to lyrical success. I really liked your chosen concept and I did feel the emotion you were trying to convey, but I would have loved to see you go deeper lyrically. There were a couple throwaway lines (βI knew that time was coming with a plasterβ β what does this mean?) that could have been replaced with something to strengthen the story. Specifically, I would have loved to see you delve deeper into the pet and ownerβs bond before the new romantic relationship, which would have heightened the emotion even more when the new relationship entered the storyline.Β Β @hurricane326 β I Walk Alone I had never heard of the Jersey Devil, so I had to do a lil research first. I love this variety of song that serves as both a song and a comprehensive story. Your subject matter and songwriting style here reminded me a lot of Citrus, who went on to win a season a few years ago. Even after reading more about the Jersey Devil, I felt like your song was actually a fairly solid backstory on its own. Specifically, I loved the second stanza where you comprehensively portray the creature. I was a bit confused at the line βOh Lord please protect me/for my lips are now sewnβ, but perhaps this is just a bit of the lore that I missed? The next stanza, starting βHis eyes shine red with contempt for freedomβ was incredibly strong. I feel like this section specifically sold the story. I think it could have helped to have included a bit more background on the main character and why he was searching out this dangerous creature, but I did appreciate that you focused more on the beast itself.Β Β @EpicSongFan β Sweet Escape I definitely feel the relationship between your chosen instrumental and lyrics. I could see this as a girl group type song, or a song where the bird and wolf perspectives are represented by different voices. I think that would almost be necessary, because I felt like the bird and wolf sections werenβt as distinct as they could be, which sometimes made the lyrics confusing (I initially thought, why does a bird have bloodshot red eyes hunting for a treasure?). I also felt as though the song couldnβt fully commit to being either metaphorical (βroaming the nightclubs, hiding within the crowdβ) or literal. Had you chosen committed more fully to one concept instead of going for two, I think the song would have been a bit stronger. Still, I think you get pop lyric writing, and I look forward to seeing what you come up with next week. Β @beatinglikeadrum β Cock-a-doodle-do I kinda screamed when I saw your title. Iβll start with my favorite line: βYouβre acting like a peacock but youβre lacking the feathersβ β I LOVED this. You also really portrayed a sense of cocky sexiness, which worked well with the theme. You didnβt fully commit to one animal, which in some senses worked, but also gave the feel of like a farmhouse orgy and Iβm not sure how I feel about that. I think your song could have benefitted a lot from some editing. There were some nonsensical lines, like βCause I wonβt even look at you unless you have 9β, and a few lines that just needed a bit of cleanup. I wouldnβt fully agree with your characterization of your βfloppingβ β I see real potential in your one-liners and imagery, and I look forward to seeing what you bring next week. Β @camfuckingrockwell β Bluebird The shortness of this made it feel more like poetry than lyrics. I think thereβs so much overlap between the two that this could work really well as an intro or an interlude on an album. This reminds me a lot of the Miranda Lambert song by the same name. Since this framing of this topic is fairly common, I would have loved to see a different twist on the theme or a deeper dive into the bluebirdβs longing to be uncaged. I think the length of the lines and the song overall βcagedβ you into the metaphor and didnβt allow it to fully βsingβ or βfly freeβ. Some of your lines also felt forced in to fit the rhyme scheme, which is something you canβt afford quite as much when writing a short song. I did enjoy the βsentenceβ line β if you wrote a song full of lines like that next week, I think you could be quite successful. Β @TruGeminiΒ β Whisked Away I liked your approach to the challenge. Giving your song double meaning provided a lot more intrigue, and forced me to read through the lyrics a few times. Your lyrical tone also matched the wistful instrumental perfectly. I think the first half of the song committed more fully to the fish theme, and the second half more to the human theme. I do think you struggled a bit with the rhyme scheme in a few places in the song. I loved the internal rhyming in the prechorus, but there were a few lines that seemed forced (βstrideβ/βeyesβ, βdecayβ in the chorus). Otherwise, I did love the titular lines in the chorus, specifically βyou gotta swim back to me, donβt let them whisk us awayβ. It felt folky and classic and flowed effortlessly. Had the rest of the song flowed like that, it would have been one of the strongest entries this week. Β @Jack! β Teddy Bear Iβm not sure if this was intentional, but beyond the Frankenstein elements of the song, I felt like the character was building the perfect man out of a string of one-night stands. I think this theme was more effective than the more sinister, literal piecing together of a personβs body parts, although I appreciated the dark, homoerotic Build-A-Bear thing going on. Structurally, your song flowed really well and your rhymes were super catchy. My favorite part of the song was the chorus, which I felt had strong, descriptive imagery but was catchy enough to work as a hook. My only criticism would be that it wasnβt entirely clear whether you were going for a more human or more monster-ish theme. Overall, this was still one of the strongest entries this week and one that keeps me looking forward to what youβll write in the coming weeks. Β @Augmented β Night owl Iβd advise against sharing a negative perception of your own song β because for me your grievances didnβt wholly apply. My main criticism would be that the song felt a little unedited β small errors like βpeaksβ vs βpiquesβ and βpearsβ vs βpeersβ might have been caught after a couple reads through. Otherwise, I actually really enjoyed this. I thought the story was fairly clear, and your song reminded me of TruGeminiβs in that there were almost two storylines occurring at once β one literal and one metaphorical. I felt fully immersed in the calm, solitary night you depicted in your lyrics, and it felt like an effective backdrop against both the secretive lovers and night owls. I really loved the 4th verse, and I felt like that was where the story really took off. If there was one aspect of the story that was slightly confusing, itβs the shady figure in the car. Is this one of the lovers or a third character in the story? Still, I think you did a good job this week and I know youβll only do better in the weeks to come. Β @Gavin. β Stung The musicality of these lyrics came across pretty clearly. I could see this being either a synthy dance-pop type song or something with a strong electric guitar lead. Because it read so much like a pop song, itβs hard not to compare it to something like a Britney Spears βToxicβ type song. I think this type of song has been done before fairly frequently, which isnβt necessarily a problem, but Iβm not sure if you provided a fresh angle to the theme. Your final line felt a little forced when it could have been something more powerful. Still, there were some really nice lines here. I loved βThe venom was hidden in something of beautyβ and the internal rhyming of βBoth primal, a feeling of survivalβ.Β Β @Legend E β Moving With The Speed of Light I really like your chosen concept here β simple and straightforward, yet something I havenβt seen in a song before. The play on words with cheetah/cheater also added to the theme. Still, I think there were some lyrical inconsistencies here. At the beginning of the song, the character seems quite proud of their promiscuity (βa prizefighter but my body count is my rewardβ) yet near the end talks about cheating through pain, before reverting back to the perspective. In your description you hint at these possibly being two sides of the same hookup culture, but I think it could have been more effectively presented as a transition from one to the other, or as a duet with multiple perspectives. Instead, I think individual lines end up being a lot more effective than the song as a whole. I really enjoyed βIβve always left before the confetti falls downβ and βwhatever frightens me will remainβ. I think if you had stitched these lines together in a way that was clearer from a storytelling perspective, this could have been a near perfect entry. Β @Achilles. β Hibernate Before I even read the rest of your song, I need to say that βIt must be open season on my happinessβ is a 10/10 opening line β I instantly know what youβre writing about and Iβm invested before even reaching the second line. This reads as one of the more musical and less poetic entries, and here I think it worked really well. I could see this as a country or folk song. In addition to the opening line, I loved βIβll just sleep these blues away/itβs time to hibernateβ. There was a wistful sense of defeat that felt tangible. While thereβs no specific line I would critique, overall, I think you could have been more devoted to either the metaphoric angle or added some additional storytelling elements. For this song, the second probably would have been more effective. Adding personal details or descriptions would have deepened the lyrical emotion and made the song that much more impactful. I also have to note that βhoney, I canβt bear to be so anxiousβ was witty and a great nod to the challenge. This was a super solid first entry! Β @Euterpe β Small Beginnings Why did a think olive ridley was like a cocktail or something? Glad I googled that one. I definitely got the Little Mermaid vibes here too β I could almost imagine a chorus of lil fishies coming out to harmonize on that post-chorus. What is it with all the turtle songs this round just being adorable? I appreciate that you took a more literal approach to this round, but it could have strengthened the song to add some deeper meaning beyond literally just talking about baby turtles crawling towards the ocean. Still, I think you personified the turtles quite well, and little details like βa crack in the shell, a broken curseβ helped me imagine the setting of the song. βTurtles of my kindβ was an interesting choice of words for a song, but it was so cute I didnβt mind at all. If nothing else, you should sell this to Disney β Iβd love to see Halle Bailey singing this. Β @Temporal β Halcyonβs Wings I instinctively pulled out my thesaurus after seeing your name, and the title only reinforced that reflex. After reading the song, I was surprised to only see only high school level vocabulary rather than AP English, but the simpler language was much easier to draw emotion from, and, knowing you, every word was purposefully chosen β and I think you made the right choices here. Thereβs quite a few choices of one-liners to highlight, but I really loved βIβm a petrified passenger to my own lifeβ and βLike the moon in the day ignoring the timeβ. Iβm also a huge fan of questions in lyrics to draw introspection, and I think your delivery was effective. My one minor quip would be that your use of halcyon seemed relatively arbitrary. You could have injected additional meaning through referencing memories of an idyllic past in relation to the actual bird, or referenced seasons of happiness interspersed with stormy seas of depression. Regardless, this was a definitive highlight of the round for me, and proof that youβve only gotten better with time. I think by reining in the contrived language youβve made it a lot easier to connect with the lyrics, and it feels more purposeful when you do choose to include a more descriptive word. Β @Remmy β The Zoo The faces I made in the coffee shop while reading this β I donβt know if I can show my face here again. I know irreverent sex songs are kinda your thing, but most of these lines still felt original. I can probably say definitively that no oneβs ever written the line βand the smellβs fishy too, like tuna mixed with glueβ before. The first verse had me thinking you were going in a different direction, and following that immediately with βuncaged, rip my chastity belt offβ was jarring in the best kind of way. There were a few lines that werenβt totally necessary (was βOh wow, oh my, good God, good griefβ just there to rhyme with βBarrier Reefβ?), but those were fairly uncommon. Iβd also highlight β***** pink, red meat, it takes some time to chewβ as a highlight, as well as βIβm the freakiest beast in my genusβ. There were probably 5 or 6 other highlights, but I donβt want to post your entire song here, so hopefully you post it in the thread for everyone else to enjoy. I donβt want to encourage you to do sex songs almost every week again, but this was excellent. Β @JoeAg β Tyto Alba I think the Thesaurus King torch has officially been passed on to you from Temporal. Thereβs definitely nothing wrong with using less common words in songs, and at times they can convey a sense of meaning thatβs more precise than using a more general word. The downside is that they can make a song more academic and less emotive. I think that became the case here, where more conversational lines, such as βOh, and part of me still craves your warmthβ felt jarring in the same song as βYour simulacrum sparks into my mind at randomβ. Otherwise, this was a lovely entry, and probably one of my favorites Iβve read from you. The beginning of the song was incredibly strong and included one of my favorite couplets β βcascaded as we caressed, wings wrapped so sweetly/but it is time for you to fly, you need my warmth no longerβ. Like Remmy, but also not at all like Remmy lyrically, there were too many standout lines here to quote. Your song felt poetic yet accessible, wordy yet simple, in a way that made the lyrics feel universal despite the specific owl references. You strung together series of one liners in a way that felt purposeful and created a larger story β something few other people mastered this round. I look forward to seeing where you go from here! Β @XO_Life β Body Make-Up βI shed skin not tearsβ β what a stellar line, a perfect way to start a chorus. Your lyrics felt catchy and poppy, yet still distinctive enough to work in a lyric writing competition. The verses were short, and while I think your first verse was effective, the second verse wasnβt as impactful. The clown and apple imagery felt unnecessary in the context of the song. Otherwise, I think you made the most of fairly short lyrics. This was extremely evident in the bridge, where, despite the repetition, you delivered one of the best lines of the song: βnowadays evidence is dependent on sympathyβ. I read your description after reading through the lyrics once, and while they made the lyrics more impactful and shed additional light on the theme, I think the song still stood strongly on its own. Overall, I think this was a strong first entry, and had the second verse been tightened up a bit, would have been an absolute standout this round. Β Β Β Β Β 3 hours ago, 8thPrince said: Β Greetings, Hitmakers! I'm steadily working on getting everyone the full review they deserve, but just so you aren't left hanging, here's my first half of reviews! If there is anything in your review that you do not wish to have public (lyric excerpts, references to your material etc.) I will remove it upon request. Β Β Reveal hidden contents Β Β Reveal hidden contents 1.Β @Kylie JennerΒ - βEveβ Iβm a huge fan of βtidinessβ in songs, and what I mean by that is lyrics that demonstrate an understanding of rhyme scheme, meter, and a balanced structure in regards to stanzas and sections. You already show a strong understanding of these foundations, so kudos to you! What I think would benefit you for your next song are the following: One, variety when it comes to rhyme scheme and rhyme types. The entire piece follows AABB and AAAA rhyme scheme. For example, βEden/weakened/beaten/demonsβ is an AAAA scheme, and βpain/insane/dream/gleamβ is AABB. While this isnβt an issue in isolation, when these are stacked one after the other, the piece can begin to read as sounding repetitive. (Iβd also argue AAAA is closely related to AABB, as youβre essentially doing rhyming couplets in succession.) In addition to rhyme scheme, Iβd encourage you to explore playing with less strict rhymes. Strong rhymes such as βgirl/pearlβ βchoice/rejoiceβ have already been paired in songs before and can lead to a sense of predictability. Meanwhile, slant rhymes open up the possibilities of what you can say next. βHurt/deserveβ make a slant rhyme, and I thought that was fresher than the lines that came before it in the bridge. My second pointer for next time would be finding a fresh way to talk about an action or feeling other than just stating the action or feeling. The song paints a picture of Eveβs conflict, but is doing so in ways that could be described as plainly expository. With your next song, maybe you can ask βhow can I create an emotional hook with the reader?β For example, the first line of the prechorus: βIβve never felt so trapped in this garden of edenβ. You could ask how to convey entrapment without saying βtrapβ. Something like βThe trees of Eden were the bars of my cageβ might create some interest with the reader and give them something to latch onto. You just want to look for anywhere you can add some unique perspective rather than describing. 2.Β @Julia FoxΒ - βCrying Birdsβ Youβre dead-on that this piece has an ambiguous feeling, the abstract sense it gives definitely held up after a few readings. If I were to hazard a guess, Iβm getting the sense that this is aboutβ¦ Transition? From someone being there with the narrator and then now theyβre not. It causes them to recontextualize occurrences such as birds singing with the sense of longing theyβre feeling now. Thereβs some writing I really like here, such as saying the βtrees are getting undressedβ to represent fall, and the idea of the βsinging statuteβ being a bird who doesnβt immediately flee from the narrator as they eye each other. Iβm very happy that we can get diverse entries in Golden Hit, but I do have to admit it falls a little flat for me with the loose meter and rhyme scheme, along with there not being a killer image or knockout concept to pair it with that makes the loss of the first two points worth it. It reads more strongly as a poem than a song, which isnβt an issue, but I wonder what you might make if you were to tighten up the structure a bit? 3.Β @DatChickDoeΒ - βBiteβ Now you didnβt tell us what animal you were doing but I did get shark before you name-dropped it at the end of the verse. With that in mind, there are some examples of really strong songwriting here, some of the best Iβve read in the round! The entire first verse was on point. βLips laced with razorsβ is definitely a one-liner Iβd place within the top 3 of the round, thatβs really striking imagery. Your writing has a very commercial edge, and thatβs something I really appreciate as a lot of writers lean more to prose in ATRL songwriting games! The rhyme scheme, meter and structure were tight, for the most part. If I were to give a couple of pointers: for starters, Iβd suggest writing out every repetition of the lyrics, rather than doing βrefer to chorusβ, just for clarityβs sake. I could not tell whether you intended for the section above or below to denote what we should be re-reading as the chorus (I assumed it was the section above.). Second, while it wasnβt a huge issue in regards to it impacting your score, Iβd suggest paying attention to not mixing metaphors as a general rule for more potent songwriting, especially as there will be more βthematicβ challenges in the future. If weβre talking about sharks, it helps sharpen the songβs point if you keep focus on that specific metaphor, rather than diverting to sirens, spiders, and terrestrial predators (Such as animals with βpawsβ, just a minor nitpick but also be aware of what tone your word choice sets: We associate paws with friendly animals such as house cats, dogs, baby bears etc. Wouldnβt βclawsβ be more pointed and aggressive, for example?). All in all, this was a strong first entry, and Iβm interested to see how you build on this in the next challenge! 4.Β @HugΒ - βLilithβ Very strong composition-wise in regards to structure/meter and rhymes. All the rhymes felt natural, and the piece had an easy-to-understand flow. Iβd expect no less from one of our songwriting vets! I do need to admit I didnβt really grasp onto much here despite it being well-written. I think thereβs a couple of parts as to why and I hope this advice might spark some possible directions/development for songs in future rounds:Β 1. I personally am not a fan of passive voicing/inverted voicing/Yodaspeak etc. I completely understand how it fits thematically here as youβre going for a more archaic voicing to match the Biblical theme, but it does become a bit much when almost every line is inverted. Which sort of leads to my second reservation: 2. I think the voicing/execution combined with the theme of Eve and the snake was low-hanging fruit (Pun intended). Itβs a bit too obvious to write the song in this way which made the originality suffer, in my opinion. I think there was a more adventurous way to have these same characters and same thoughts illustrated without reaching to Ole English, especially in a round where this same story was so popular. In future rounds, Iβd be excited to see what your command of song structure looks like when paired with a fresh concept. 5.Β @worldwide angelΒ - βEternalβ I donβt know how you did it but I absolutely got βsea turtleβ before I read your additional info. So, huge kudos for the specific animal choice and having that communicated within the song. My first critique that Iβd suggest ironing out before your next submission has nothing to do with the song and all about the format: Iβd suggest always using line breaks rather than slashes (β/β) to separate lines if you want to illustrate the meter. I understand it might look uglier to have a lone word or two in its own line, but itβs an easier read than adding additional visible text. Ideally, you can keep it all one complete line to match your full line, but I wouldnβt split the difference using text like the slashes. Now that thatβs out of the way, I kind of read my own story into this! It was a very cinematic piece, I could just picture a newborn turtle hatchling taking his first steps off the beach and exploring the ocean. This was one of the more vibrant entries when it came to imagery this week, and Iβd love to see you build on your knack for imagery in the following rounds. One piece of advice is to balance word choice and tone: The piece has a very free feeling, but the instances of the words βdieβ and βmasochistβ have a weight thatβs wildly imbalanced from the rest of the song, and clash with the tone. You just want to make sure each word choice positively adds to the picture youβre painting, and youβll be set! 6.Β @AlldayΒ - βAnimal For Youβ TBA 7.Β @Better MistakesΒ - βDon't Leave My Lifeβ I think you hit upon a really strong concept and unique take on the challenge (That being the perspective of a domesticated animal.), and in fact one that has been explored in a recent hit song. (Try not to cry while watching the music video!) However, I think youβve come up a bit short, despite a proven and strong basis. I think the issue of why it didnβt connect for me is twofold: 1) the composition and 2) the execution of the theming. 1. Iβd suggest caution with how often you repeat anything in a song, especially singular words. I think thereβs a way you can make the repetition of love in the prechorus catchy, as well as a way to make the twists on the use of βpleaseβ in the chorus not only catchy, but also clever: But in both examples, I found them to just be restating the same point in two ways, which wasnβt very engaging. The verses advanced your story, but the prechorus and chorus seemed to spin in place. For the next round, Iβd suggest analyzing each major section and asking how it advances the narrative of the whole song.Β 2. I didnβt get that it was about a pet and not a person until I read your additional info. While Iβm not a purist about adherence to the challenge and wonβt dock you for it, I think it wouldβve strengthened your song to mix a bit more of the viewpoint in there, because it is a unique take. For example, I donβt get the sense of what kind of animal this is even with the added info. Iβm assuming a dog, but it could also be a cat, hamster, parrot, snake, etc. In the Yuuri song, besides the obvious dog name βLeoβ, he has details about being petted (So this animal has fur) and close loyalty (So itβs likely not a hamster or cat, ie a dog.). Think about what details you can bring in. I know it seems like Iβm ragging, but I want to reemphasize this was a strong concept. Itβs only the second time Iβve read something like this, and the first time in English, so youβve definitely got some unique ideas, and Iβm interested in what you come up with next, as you really did think outside the box here, despite it not completely coming across on paper. 8.Β @hurricane326Β - βI Walk Aloneβ Ok I immediately got cryptid/mythical creature and the exact story of the Jersey Devil had slipped my mind before I read your additional info but I did get shades of that! (I ended up settling on dragon as your animal of choice before checking LMAO.). I think thatβs a really inspired choice of βanimalβ and it gave your song a unique flair compared to the general direction other entries went in. I liked that there was a bit of a narrative here and thought you had a strong command of song composition. To nitpick, I do think the structure was a bit repetitive, but I do understand you wanted a more folk-y theming, and this lends to that. It feels like it could be read around a campfire, it has a strong sense of atmosphere. As I review this, Iβm realizing I liked this more than I thought originally! Certainly memorable, and very well constructed, good work! 9.Β @EpicSongFanΒ - βSweet Escapeβ (Love Dive is a major bop, first things first.) Iβd like to start off by complimenting the structure of your song. I got a sense of dynamism, i.e. each section introduced a new component of the story, and the moments where itβs meant to peak (Such as the chorus) peaked emotionally, etc. It felt like a fully plotted song with narrative, and I got the sense of it being a commercial pop song. (This was before I checked your instrumental link, btw!) I have two pointers for you: Similar to the advice I gave Kylie Jenner, try to find ways to say plain/common actions and feelings in a fun way. I thought the first verse of the song was creative (A crown of thorns is a neat way to describe a false compliment.), but in contrast, the outro lacked that creativity. Additionally, if you are aiming for a more commercial feel, make sure to commit to conventions such as rhyme scheme: Thereβs a few points where the rhyme scheme is randomly dropped or completely absent, such as in the very first verse, and it makes for an awkward read. Overall, I liked the pop-y approach you took for this! 10.Β @XO_LifeΒ - βBody Make-Upβ I have a lot to say about this song: 1. βI shed skin, not tearsβ is the best one-liner of this round 2. Itβs giving me major Taylor Swift Reputation era vibes? I get a huge commercial edge from this song and itβs got the same scornful feel. I think itβs a lot better written than a lot on that album, too. This song is short and sweet but it doesnβt feel like anythingβs missing. Itβs really well composed, and I just love love love the central line. I think with the additional info you provided in mind, it fits really well for any woman whoβs villainized by the world. Thereβs a lot of great lines here outside of the central one, too: I liked βmy name became a punchlineβ and βevidence is dependent on sympathyβ as well. I honestly think this was the best realization of the very popular snake theming this round. I think you could put up a really strong showing if you continue with one-liners like you did here. Β (One last thing, I think your original title is much stronger than βBody Makeupβ, but I respect your choice as the writer!) 11.Β @beatinglikeadrumΒ - βCock-a-doodle-doβ OK the Lana line made me snort on both readings which is actually a good start because you got a reaction from me. So I donβt agree that you flopped! Letβs look at the positives: You clearly understand the structure needed for this type of song and have a command of rhyme scheme, which is less common than youβd think! So you do have a solid foundation to build off of. There are some nuggets of good bars you could expand on sprinkled throughout. I could see the zodiac lines or the peacock one being refined to make a knockout bar. What I think limits the song are the mixed metaphors. I wouldβve suggested focusing on the bird metaphors, as thatβs less common in rap and all of pop music than the βkittyβ metaphor. If you want to pursue further rap songs, what you could maybe do is take it in the direction of taking down a cocky man, and use the rooster/bird metaphor to springboard and come up with various punchlines, then try to create connective tissue that makes them flow together. Just some ideas. Iβd be interested in seeing you revisit this style of rap tbh! Β Β Β Β thank you all for the sweet messages and the strong criticism ?? iβll try using line breaks and including better words moving forward Β this was really fun and i canβt wait to do my research for round two
Remmy Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 9 minutes ago, fountain said: don't let our girls down, i'm sure they're all dying for a Remmy penned hit now that I think about it I need more info! tell me who they stan, where they were on january 6th & what they tweeted in the pastΒ Β oh and previous collaborators in case any of them were in the studio with a certain non-doctor.
8thPrince Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 11 minutes ago, hurricane326 said: Already have an idea for Aria Β
fountain Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 4 minutes ago, Remmy said: now that I think about it I need more info! tell me who they stan, where they were on january 6th & what they tweeted in the pastΒ Β oh and previous collaborators in case any of them were in the studio with a certain non-doctor. You can see who Yin Yin and Audrey stan from their Spotify playlists, and what their solo music could potentially sound like Β Β I believe Diana was in Iceland, Aria was probably at a fashion show or something, nobody ever knows where Yin Yin is, and Audrey was probably in her bedroom according to her wiki page Β None of them have collaborated with that certain somebody, but I have no doubt that Diana happily would stoop low enough to do so, like another European flop star... Β Β
worldwide angel Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 can happily confirm that after bonding over cocteau twins, yin-yin and i are currently working on getting her a Best New Music review on Pitchfork
fountain Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 8 minutes ago, worldwide angel said: can happily confirm that after bonding over cocteau twins, yin-yin and i are currently working on getting her a Best New Music review on Pitchfork so here for this!
Hug Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 Oh, I'm tanking it. Β @8thPrinceΒ would Shadow by f(x) or Russian Roulette by Rihanna be examples of songs Aria is looking for (in terms of unique metaphors/concepts). Need this for science.
Hug Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 Wait I just re-read the small prompts/went over the wiki articles, and it turns out miss Diana diamond is looking for something that lines up really well with an idea I've been fiddling with since yesterday. ??? maybe I won't tank after all!
fountain Posted August 28, 2022 Posted August 28, 2022 um, now a wasp just infiltrated my room (it's the middle of the night btw, so this is unusual), the zoology challenge must have jinxed me cause these animals coming for me can't be a coincidence!
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