tournament Golden Hit: Season 2 📀 Congratulations Hug! 🏆

[Euterpe]

@Aurora Thanks for the review! I was definitely going for the little turtle who could and Ariel the Little Mermaid type angles. I’m also trying to do some lighter songs this time around in general. And not gonna lie, I didn’t even consider I could do a metaphorical song for the challenge. I thought it had to be literal, so oops. 

[Gavin.]

24 minutes ago, Remmy said:

Ayyy period  The prompt basically invited me to do it like this so I had to! Plus I might as well get a sex bop out of the way since I won't be participating in every round, and it's how I started S1.  I was slightly uninspired + rushing myself so I can understand that every line didn't hit  "I ugly cry-laughed at, “Suckin' out my milk while I let out a moo”."

 

 

also here's my song if anyone wants to read

  Reveal hidden contents

"THE ZOO"

[verse 1/intro]
Freedom in the fields
That's all that I want
Can't stand this captivity
When will someone rescue me?

Free just like a cheetah
Running under the sun
I guess this is the moment
Where I just come undone...

[beat switches up]

[verse 2]
Uncaged, rip my chastity belt off
This little piggy want 5 fingers down my hole
I'm like a bird, b*tch I just left the nest
So many big beasts around me, I'm losing all control

Oh wow, oh my, good God, good grief
Bed end up wetter than the Barrier Reef
And the smell's fishy too, like tuna mixed with glue
I know you want this tasty cod, all inside of you

Oh my, oh wow, good grief, good God
He can be my little s*xy arthropod
Legs are shakin' and my d*ck's all throbbed
And I got a back that's begging to be clawed

[chorus]
Come to my bedroom, get a ticket to the zoo
Don't be alarmed if there's a long queue
P*ssy pink, red meat, it takes some time to chew
But you gnaw on the beef like rent's past due

Come to my bedroom, get a ticket to the zoo
Suckin' out my milk while I let out a moo
Fat free and organic, yeah you already knew
I don't care who sees, I bet they'll love the view

[verse 3]
I'm the freakiest b*tch in my genus
You'll understand once you see this p*nis
Thick and wide, curved at an angle
It bent a little bit after getting strangled

I look over, I can tell the rabbits are jealous
And they wish their gooch could be this hairless
Got a full audience, but we're not embarrassed
Life expectancy's low, so my time is precious

Gonna make so many kids (so we'll never be endangered)
You'll be the perfect dad ('cause you're so good-natured)
This juice that I have (is best when it's savored)
The monkeys gave me a c*ndom... banana flavored!

[chorus]
Come to my bedroom, get a ticket to the zoo
Don't be alarmed if there's a long queue
P*ssy pink, red meat, it takes some time to chew
But you gnaw on the beef like rent's past due

Come to my bedroom, get a ticket to the zoo
Suckin' out my milk while I let out a moo
Fat free and organic, yeah you already knew
I don't care who sees, I bet they'll love the view

[outro]
This c*ck like a rooster, wake you up in the mornin'
Open your eyes, then we get the c*m pourin'
Ain't got no rabies but you keep my mouth foamin'
F*ck 50 times a week, check the CCTV recordin'

 

Screaming 

 

Now lemme go bop in my head all day to:

Come to my bedroom, get a ticket to the zoo
Suckin’ out my milk while I let out a moo 

[Julia Fox]

Here’s my song if you are interested btw 

 

Spoiler

CRYING BIRDS

 

angels really pass when all its silent

but silence has been making its absence

and the trees’ leaves have been falling emulating a slow dance 

so they are just getting undressed 

but autumn haven’t arrived yet 

it’s the end, they said

 

and the only melody that can be heard here 

the only talk that we have known since you left 

the only sign of life that keep us here alive 

are the birds singing their songs everyday, everytime 

 

but what if the birds aren’t singing? 

what if they are screaming for help?

what if they are crying for a reason?

what if they are feeling pain?

they haven’t flew in a while 

and everything since the day you left this land

it’s been so sad 

 

on the ramifications of the big old trees

the babies haven’t been fed 

brown feathers getting painted by ray of lights so fainted

it’s a second of hope from their souls

they emulate sounds that for us sounds like heaven 

but who knows, maybe it’s hell for them

 

i see one and he see me with their dark hazy eyes 

singing statue, paralyzed, petrified 

i thought he was pretty, i thought he was you

maybe i’m insane just like maybe he is

 

cause what if the birds aren’t singing?

what if they are screaming for help?

what if they are crying for a reason?

what if they are feeling pain?

they haven’t flew in a while 

and everything since the day you left this land 

it’s been so sad 

 

since then their wings have been chained 

they haven’t left their trees for a month

at nights I can say they are praying 

they want to feel alive again

but it seems their religion is lost

i wonder what they are waiting for

maybe for someone 

maybe for him

maybe for you

maybe even me

or maybe for none

cause nobody could make them back at feeling hope 

 

so what if the birds aren’t singing? 

what if they are screaming for help?

what if they are crying for a reason?

what if they are feeling pain?

they haven’t flew in a while 

and everything since the day you left this land 

it’s been so sad 

 

what if they know something we don’t?

what if they try to warn about the cold? 

what if they just announce the end of our love?

their sing will be the last thing we heard on this world

because everything since the day you left this land 

god, it’s been so sad 

 

[camfuckingrockwell]

Thank You ! @Aurora ♥️♥️

[Jackson]

I have about half a dozen song left - reviews hopefully coming in the next couple hours 

[JoeAg]

2 hours ago, Aurora said:

22. @JoeAg - “Tyto Alba”

I really love owls. This was quite simply immaculate. Definitely my favourite song you’ve submitted for a Golden Hit tournament thus far, it resonated with me so intensely. It satisfied the challenge in a way that felt so effortless and natural and I almost got lost in the beauty and honesty of this song. I don’t really have much more to say other than thank you for writing this and sharing it with us.

thank you so much ? owls are my favorite animals ever and i already have two owl tattoos, and i plan to get a ton all over my body, all in different styles. to me they’ve always represented intelligence and freedom, i kinda took both of those angles with this song, along with bravery! i’m glad you felt the honesty, this one felt very cathartic, even if i haven’t gone through an actual breakup in awhile

[JoeAg]

here’s my paean of the barn owls, for those interested in checking it out!

Spoiler

Fly away, my dear

Cascaded as we caressed, wings wrapped so sweetly

But it is time for you to fly, you need my warmth no longer

 

You held me close in all your splendor

I was the first you ever needed near

I take your blessings as offerings

Your simulacrum sparks into my mind at random

So fly away, my love

Cascaded like droplets, like mote adorning the air

But it is time for you to fly, you need my warmth no longer

 

You were my rock for so long

You held me in your talons, told me to never fear

Sung my praises to your friends and family

 

And now as I grow old and weary, waiting to be reborn

You shine like the coral I wanted to kiss

I was drowning until you scooped me

 

And what if I wanted to drown? What if I was ashamed of being alive?

But you were never meant to last, and I was just another venture in your path

I have grown and realized that I am meant to last, however, and I carry your beauty with me wherever I go

 

You were my rock for so long, my dear

Cascaded like droplets, like mote adorning the air

But it is time for you to fly, you need my warmth no longer

 

Oh, and part of me still craves your warmth

The selfish part, that which would never be quashed while you were here

I crave, I grasp, white knuckles and hardened lungs

Peace of mind is so far to reach, but you seemed to be a prodigy

You could take anyone and they would love you as you were

 

Sitting in barns, eyes incredibly piercing

Fierce as a hawk, yet gentler and soft like satin

Beautiful, white and brown and gold

Talons which grasp, the handsomest beak

My barn owl, the one in my heart

 

So fly away now, my love

We cascaded and we caressed, your wings wrapped around me so sweetly

But it is time for you to fly, and I will never forget you

 

[Remmy]

3 hours ago, Julia Fox said:

Cupcakke is SHAKIN  WHAT A BOWP

2 hours ago, Gavin. said:

Screaming 

 

Now lemme go bop in my head all day to:

Come to my bedroom, get a ticket to the zoo
Suckin’ out my milk while I let out a moo 

[Jackson]

 

Wow, what a strong first round! I haven't judged an ATRL songwriting competition in a few years, and I can say definitively that the writing is much stronger now than it was then. Feel free to let me know if you have any questions on your reviews or feedback on my feedback, or if you'd like me to remove any specific references to lines from your lyrics. 

 

 

 

@Kylie Jenner – Eve
This is an interesting angle – I love a religious themed song, but I’ve never seen Eve’s relationship with the snake presented this way. It’s ambiguous whether she’s in love with the snake or just enamored by his words, but I kinda love that. Specifically, I really enjoyed the second prechorus and the couplet “your tongue has tortured me/how can I sleep when all I do is dream?” – I felt like the imagery of a serpentine tongue really strengthened that line. The second half of the bridge was also excellent, especially the line “But you have no leg to stand on, no bones and no skin”. At times, I felt like certain lines were written just to maintain the rhyme scheme (pearl and gleam come to mind), but overall, this was a really solid first offering and I can’t wait to see where you go next.

 

@Julia Fox – Crying Birds
I loved your concept. The way you took something as mundane as chirping birds and twisted it into something more sinister is really interesting. The image of trees getting undressed in preparation for fall was lovely too. There were a couple little grammatical errors that stood out on first read (“when all its silence”, “sign of life that keep us here”) that won’t affect my score, but I just wanted to make you aware of them. I found it interesting that you hinted at a connection between the crying birds and a lost lover. You could have expanded upon that idea to provide some variety. As is, I did appreciate the ambiguity – it was almost as if your character was trying to forget the person existed, but a different perspective or mood could have helped deepen that feeling.

 

@DatChickDoe – Bite
This was giving me early 2010s Kesha. The lyrics exuded confidence, almost cockiness in a way that tied in well with the animal motif. Choosing a general animal theme instead of a specific animal was a bold choice, and one that didn’t always play in your favor. Referring to a shark bite in one line and swapping paws in another broke the illusion a bit. I’m also not entirely sure what the bridge means – I would love to hear what you were thinking. I think overall, your imagery was strong and effective, and there were some lovely lines, such as “Lips laced with razors/villain masquerades as a savior/nipping at the nectar within”. Your lyrical worldbuilding is quite strong. I think if you kept a little more thematic consistency, it would be even stronger.

 

@Hug – Lilith
I had never heard of Lilith before or her role in the Garden of Eden, so this was actually quite fresh for me. I did a little Wikipedia-ing to learn more. It’s so interesting how something as ubiquitous as the creation story can have different translations and storylines. Thus, I appreciated your own modern spin you put on the story, turning the story into one of feminism instead of good vs evil. You toy with the idea that submission is the true evil, and the way you removed the binary present in the original story was interesting. The snake is often depicted as a purely evil force, and you added some ambiguity to that. Lyrically, your sense of rhythm made the song very easy to read. Even the phrasing of some of the lines seemed biblical (“The trees, there are many, with fruit plenty bear/you should have your choice, this, only fair”). My one nitpick would be that the phrasing of “I tasted that of knowledge” instead of “I tasted of that knowledge” seems a little off, even in this format, but that’s really the only criticism I can think of, and this was one of my favorites this week. Great job!

 

@worldwide angel – Eternal
Don’t we all wish we were a turtle swimming in a waterfall? Perhaps you were really immersed in the perspective of the turtle, but had you not mentioned what animal you chose in your description, I wouldn’t have known you were writing from the perspective of an animal at all. Lyrically, I felt like you really embodied the joyful serenity associated with a leisurely swim. The only word I can use to describe the prechorus is “adorable”. “I do a little dance” ?  OMG. The image of “shards of salt/lay against my sturdy shield” was specifically quite strong. Stylistically, you could have just pressed enter instead of using so many slashes, which I found a little distracting. I also didn’t think the word “masochist” fit into the song, which otherwise was quite effectively simple in language. It was also a fairly dark word that weighed down the otherwise light bridge. Overall, this was a pretty solid first offering. Despite the lyrics being fairly simple, you used them to paint an extremely vivid picture and I felt fully immersed in your lyrical waterfall.

 

@Allday – Animal For You
This song has a lot of personality to it. It feels really punk rock/punk pop, which I know you’re a fan of, so I love that I was able to feel a sense of you in the lyrics despite the darker theme. Like a couple other writers this round, you took a general zoological approach to the challenge rather than picking a specific animal, and like the others, it worked a bit to your detriment. There wasn’t anything here that I hadn’t seen before, especially in the genres I highlighted above. While it was an effective way to portray musical style, it did little to make the lyrics stand out. I did enjoy your chorus – the repeated body parts added to the mood of the song and made clichés like “under your skin” take on a new, darker meaning. Had that sense of detail been present in the verses, along with a clearer, more specific animal theme, the entire song could have been elevated to the level of the chorus. I look forward to seeing what you write next week!

 

@Better Mistakes – Don’t Leave My Life
You missed a chance to say “but it’s still RUFF!” – jk, please don’t actually. This song felt very poppy and catchy, but that didn't always translate to lyrical success. I really liked your chosen concept and I did feel the emotion you were trying to convey, but I would have loved to see you go deeper lyrically. There were a couple throwaway lines (“I knew that time was coming with a plaster” – what does this mean?) that could have been replaced with something to strengthen the story. Specifically, I would have loved to see you delve deeper into the pet and owner’s bond before the new romantic relationship, which would have heightened the emotion even more when the new relationship entered the storyline. 

 

@hurricane326 – I Walk Alone
I had never heard of the Jersey Devil, so I had to do a lil research first. I love this variety of song that serves as both a song and a comprehensive story. Your subject matter and songwriting style here reminded me a lot of Citrus, who went on to win a season a few years ago. Even after reading more about the Jersey Devil, I felt like your song was actually a fairly solid backstory on its own. Specifically, I loved the second stanza where you comprehensively portray the creature. I was a bit confused at the line “Oh Lord please protect me/for my lips are now sewn”, but perhaps this is just a bit of the lore that I missed? The next stanza, starting “His eyes shine red with contempt for freedom” was incredibly strong. I feel like this section specifically sold the story. I think it could have helped to have included a bit more background on the main character and why he was searching out this dangerous creature, but I did appreciate that you focused more on the beast itself. 

 

@EpicSongFan – Sweet Escape
I definitely feel the relationship between your chosen instrumental and lyrics. I could see this as a girl group type song, or a song where the bird and wolf perspectives are represented by different voices. I think that would almost be necessary, because I felt like the bird and wolf sections weren’t as distinct as they could be, which sometimes made the lyrics confusing (I initially thought, why does a bird have bloodshot red eyes hunting for a treasure?). I also felt as though the song couldn’t fully commit to being either metaphorical (“roaming the nightclubs, hiding within the crowd”) or literal. Had you chosen committed more fully to one concept instead of going for two, I think the song would have been a bit stronger. Still, I think you get pop lyric writing, and I look forward to seeing what you come up with next week.

 

@beatinglikeadrum – Cock-a-doodle-do
I kinda screamed when I saw your title. I’ll start with my favorite line: “You’re acting like a peacock but you’re lacking the feathers” – I LOVED this. You also really portrayed a sense of cocky sexiness, which worked well with the theme. You didn’t fully commit to one animal, which in some senses worked, but also gave the feel of like a farmhouse orgy and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I think your song could have benefitted a lot from some editing. There were some nonsensical lines, like “Cause I won’t even look at you unless you have 9”, and a few lines that just needed a bit of cleanup. I wouldn’t fully agree with your characterization of your “flopping” – I see real potential in your one-liners and imagery, and I look forward to seeing what you bring next week.

 

@camfuckingrockwell – Bluebird
The shortness of this made it feel more like poetry than lyrics. I think there’s so much overlap between the two that this could work really well as an intro or an interlude on an album. This reminds me a lot of the Miranda Lambert song by the same name. Since this framing of this topic is fairly common, I would have loved to see a different twist on the theme or a deeper dive into the bluebird’s longing to be uncaged. I think the length of the lines and the song overall “caged” you into the metaphor and didn’t allow it to fully “sing” or “fly free”. Some of your lines also felt forced in to fit the rhyme scheme, which is something you can’t afford quite as much when writing a short song. I did enjoy the “sentence” line – if you wrote a song full of lines like that next week, I think you could be quite successful.

 

@TruGemini – Whisked Away
I liked your approach to the challenge. Giving your song double meaning provided a lot more intrigue, and forced me to read through the lyrics a few times. Your lyrical tone also matched the wistful instrumental perfectly. I think the first half of the song committed more fully to the fish theme, and the second half more to the human theme. I do think you struggled a bit with the rhyme scheme in a few places in the song. I loved the internal rhyming in the prechorus, but there were a few lines that seemed forced (“stride”/”eyes”, “decay” in the chorus). Otherwise, I did love the titular lines in the chorus, specifically “you gotta swim back to me, don’t let them whisk us away”. It felt folky and classic and flowed effortlessly. Had the rest of the song flowed like that, it would have been one of the strongest entries this week.

 

@Jack! – Teddy Bear
I’m not sure if this was intentional, but beyond the Frankenstein elements of the song, I felt like the character was building the perfect man out of a string of one-night stands. I think this theme was more effective than the more sinister, literal piecing together of a person’s body parts, although I appreciated the dark, homoerotic Build-A-Bear thing going on. Structurally, your song flowed really well and your rhymes were super catchy. My favorite part of the song was the chorus, which I felt had strong, descriptive imagery but was catchy enough to work as a hook. My only criticism would be that it wasn’t entirely clear whether you were going for a more human or more monster-ish theme. Overall, this was still one of the strongest entries this week and one that keeps me looking forward to what you’ll write in the coming weeks.

 

@Augmented – Night owl
I’d advise against sharing a negative perception of your own song – because for me your grievances didn’t wholly apply. My main criticism would be that the song felt a little unedited – small errors like “peaks” vs “piques” and “pears” vs “peers” might have been caught after a couple reads through. Otherwise, I actually really enjoyed this. I thought the story was fairly clear, and your song reminded me of TruGemini’s in that there were almost two storylines occurring at once – one literal and one metaphorical. I felt fully immersed in the calm, solitary night you depicted in your lyrics, and it felt like an effective backdrop against both the secretive lovers and night owls. I really loved the 4th verse, and I felt like that was where the story really took off. If there was one aspect of the story that was slightly confusing, it’s the shady figure in the car. Is this one of the lovers or a third character in the story? Still, I think you did a good job this week and I know you’ll only do better in the weeks to come.

 

@Gavin. – Stung
The musicality of these lyrics came across pretty clearly. I could see this being either a synthy dance-pop type song or something with a strong electric guitar lead. Because it read so much like a pop song, it’s hard not to compare it to something like a Britney Spears “Toxic” type song. I think this type of song has been done before fairly frequently, which isn’t necessarily a problem, but I’m not sure if you provided a fresh angle to the theme. Your final line felt a little forced when it could have been something more powerful. Still, there were some really nice lines here. I loved “The venom was hidden in something of beauty” and the internal rhyming of “Both primal, a feeling of survival”. 

 

@Legend E – Moving With The Speed of Light
I really like your chosen concept here – simple and straightforward, yet something I haven’t seen in a song before. The play on words with cheetah/cheater also added to the theme. Still, I think there were some lyrical inconsistencies here. At the beginning of the song, the character seems quite proud of their promiscuity (“a prizefighter but my body count is my reward”) yet near the end talks about cheating through pain, before reverting back to the perspective. In your description you hint at these possibly being two sides of the same hookup culture, but I think it could have been more effectively presented as a transition from one to the other, or as a duet with multiple perspectives. Instead, I think individual lines end up being a lot more effective than the song as a whole. I really enjoyed “I’ve always left before the confetti falls down” and “whatever frightens me will remain”. I think if you had stitched these lines together in a way that was clearer from a storytelling perspective, this could have been a near perfect entry.

 

@Achilles. – Hibernate
Before I even read the rest of your song, I need to say that “It must be open season on my happiness” is a 10/10 opening line – I instantly know what you’re writing about and I’m invested before even reaching the second line. This reads as one of the more musical and less poetic entries, and here I think it worked really well. I could see this as a country or folk song. In addition to the opening line, I loved “I’ll just sleep these blues away/it’s time to hibernate”. There was a wistful sense of defeat that felt tangible. While there’s no specific line I would critique, overall, I think you could have been more devoted to either the metaphoric angle or added some additional storytelling elements. For this song, the second probably would have been more effective. Adding personal details or descriptions would have deepened the lyrical emotion and made the song that much more impactful. I also have to note that “honey, I can’t bear to be so anxious” was witty and a great nod to the challenge. This was a super solid first entry!

 

@Euterpe – Small Beginnings
Why did a think olive ridley was like a cocktail or something? Glad I googled that one. I definitely got the Little Mermaid vibes here too – I could almost imagine a chorus of lil fishies coming out to harmonize on that post-chorus. What is it with all the turtle songs this round just being adorable? I appreciate that you took a more literal approach to this round, but it could have strengthened the song to add some deeper meaning beyond literally just talking about baby turtles crawling towards the ocean. Still, I think you personified the turtles quite well, and little details like “a crack in the shell, a broken curse” helped me imagine the setting of the song. “Turtles of my kind” was an interesting choice of words for a song, but it was so cute I didn’t mind at all. If nothing else, you should sell this to Disney – I’d love to see Halle Bailey singing this.

 

@Temporal – Halcyon’s Wings
I instinctively pulled out my thesaurus after seeing your name, and the title only reinforced that reflex. After reading the song, I was surprised to only see only high school level vocabulary rather than AP English, but the simpler language was much easier to draw emotion from, and, knowing you, every word was purposefully chosen – and I think you made the right choices here. There’s quite a few choices of one-liners to highlight, but I really loved “I’m a petrified passenger to my own life” and “Like the moon in the day ignoring the time”. I’m also a huge fan of questions in lyrics to draw introspection, and I think your delivery was effective. My one minor quip would be that your use of halcyon seemed relatively arbitrary. You could have injected additional meaning through referencing memories of an idyllic past in relation to the actual bird, or referenced seasons of happiness interspersed with stormy seas of depression. Regardless, this was a definitive highlight of the round for me, and proof that you’ve only gotten better with time. I think by reining in the contrived language you’ve made it a lot easier to connect with the lyrics, and it feels more purposeful when you do choose to include a more descriptive word.

 

@Remmy – The Zoo
The faces I made in the coffee shop while reading this – I don’t know if I can show my face here again. I know irreverent sex songs are kinda your thing, but most of these lines still felt original. I can probably say definitively that no one’s ever written the line “and the smell’s fishy too, like tuna mixed with glue” before. The first verse had me thinking you were going in a different direction, and following that immediately with “uncaged, rip my chastity belt off” was jarring in the best kind of way. There were a few lines that weren’t totally necessary (was “Oh wow, oh my, good God, good grief” just there to rhyme with “Barrier Reef”?), but those were fairly uncommon. I’d also highlight “***** pink, red meat, it takes some time to chew” as a highlight, as well as “I’m the freakiest beast in my genus”. There were probably 5 or 6 other highlights, but I don’t want to post your entire song here, so hopefully you post it in the thread for everyone else to enjoy. I don’t want to encourage you to do sex songs almost every week again, but this was excellent.

 

@JoeAg – Tyto Alba
I think the Thesaurus King torch has officially been passed on to you from Temporal. There’s definitely nothing wrong with using less common words in songs, and at times they can convey a sense of meaning that’s more precise than using a more general word. The downside is that they can make a song more academic and less emotive. I think that became the case here, where more conversational lines, such as “Oh, and part of me still craves your warmth” felt jarring in the same song as “Your simulacrum sparks into my mind at random”. Otherwise, this was a lovely entry, and probably one of my favorites I’ve read from you. The beginning of the song was incredibly strong and included one of my favorite couplets – “cascaded as we caressed, wings wrapped so sweetly/but it is time for you to fly, you need my warmth no longer”. Like Remmy, but also not at all like Remmy lyrically, there were too many standout lines here to quote. Your song felt poetic yet accessible, wordy yet simple, in a way that made the lyrics feel universal despite the specific owl references. You strung together series of one liners in a way that felt purposeful and created a larger story – something few other people mastered this round. I look forward to seeing where you go from here!

 

@XO_Life – Body Make-Up
“I shed skin not tears” – what a stellar line, a perfect way to start a chorus. Your lyrics felt catchy and poppy, yet still distinctive enough to work in a lyric writing competition. The verses were short, and while I think your first verse was effective, the second verse wasn’t as impactful. The clown and apple imagery felt unnecessary in the context of the song. Otherwise, I think you made the most of fairly short lyrics. This was extremely evident in the bridge, where, despite the repetition, you delivered one of the best lines of the song: “nowadays evidence is dependent on sympathy”. I read your description after reading through the lyrics once, and while they made the lyrics more impactful and shed additional light on the theme, I think the song still stood strongly on its own. Overall, I think this was a strong first entry, and had the second verse been tightened up a bit, would have been an absolute standout this round.

 

 

[Temporal]

Thanks @Jackson! I was a lot more purposeful with my imagery and word choice than in the past, I'm glad you picked up on that

[Julia Fox]

Thank you @Jackson, you can see English is not my first language lol and I appreciate your comments because I really felt that I was lacking some deep development on the lyrics when I was writing it but at the same time I really found the ambiguity the best option because otherwise it would have been a longer song with so many details and turns at the point of make the main idea of the song get lost with all the backgrounds

[Remmy]

Jackson 

[Achilles.]

Thank you both for the positive reviews, they’re more generous than I probably deserved for a first draft thrown together in a few hours after floundering for a week without inspiration.  

 

Yeah, there is some subtle climate disaster messaging to the second verse, Aurora. I’m glad you both liked the “I can’t bear” bits, and thanks for highlighting the opening line, Jackson—it felt special as soon as I came up with it. 

[Gavin.]

Thanks miss @Jackson!

Im glad you got the nightclub/deep bass/poppy vibes! I’ll have to work on being a bit more precise with what I’m trying to tell in a song cause it wasn’t about a toxic person in a way that they are bad for you, but a person who (knowingly or unknowingly) gave me the HIV lol. It’s been yearsssss so not upset or anything anymore but thought it was a nice way to start off the competition with a toxic animal reference that went a biT deeper 

 

That means a lot you liked those lines cause I wasn’t too sure but was running out of time so just sent it in   So trust my gut I suppose and let the words flow

[Hug]

I appreciate the feedback, Aurora and Jackson <3 Happy the language feeling Biblical was noticed, as that was generally what I was attempting ?

[fountain]

Will be posting the second challenge in the next few hours, and my remaining reviews will come late tonight. 
 

Results for round one will take place tomorrow, I’ll announce an exact time during the day once everything is finalised but I’d tentatively say it will probably be somewhere between or around 7-10PM eastern. 

[fountain]

Tease: the second challenge will be a multiple choice challenge…

 

featuring a very famous quartet…

 

who may or may not be going their separate ways?

 

[Temporal]

@fountainwho is that in your token I am confusion

[8thPrince]

Batch 1 reviews incoming

[fountain]

5 minutes ago, Temporal said:

@fountainwho is that in your token I am confusion

Jonna Lee, aka iamamiwhoami / ionnalee

 

[8thPrince]

22 minutes ago, fountain said:

Tease: the second challenge will be a multiple choice challenge…

 

featuring a very famous quartet…

 

who may or may not be going their separate ways?

 

How could You hit us with news Like That out of nowhere?

Edited August 27, 2022 by 8thPrince

[fountain]

3 minutes ago, 8thPrince said:

How could You hit us with news Like That out of nowhere?

The fans deserve to know! 

 

[Temporal]

8 minutes ago, fountain said:

Jonna Lee, aka iamamiwhoami / ionnalee

 

Oh queen

[Legend E]

Thanks, Jackson! Yeah, it was definitely a bit rushed and I think the realization of how shallow the "body count as a reward" is could have been done better. Regardless, I'll try to take the feedback into account for next time 

[8thPrince]

 

Greetings, Hitmakers! I'm steadily working on getting everyone the full review they deserve, but just so you aren't left hanging, here's my first half of reviews!

If there is anything in your review that you do not wish to have public (lyric excerpts, references to your material etc.) I will remove it upon request.

 

 

 

1. @Kylie Jenner - “Eve”
I’m a huge fan of “tidiness” in songs, and what I mean by that is lyrics that demonstrate an understanding of rhyme scheme, meter, and a balanced structure in regards to stanzas and sections. You already show a strong understanding of these foundations, so kudos to you! What I think would benefit you for your next song are the following: One, variety when it comes to rhyme scheme and rhyme types. The entire piece follows AABB and AAAA rhyme scheme. For example, “Eden/weakened/beaten/demons” is an AAAA scheme, and “pain/insane/dream/gleam” is AABB. While this isn’t an issue in isolation, when these are stacked one after the other, the piece can begin to read as sounding repetitive. (I’d also argue AAAA is closely related to AABB, as you’re essentially doing rhyming couplets in succession.) In addition to rhyme scheme, I’d encourage you to explore playing with less strict rhymes. Strong rhymes such as “girl/pearl” “choice/rejoice” have already been paired in songs before and can lead to a sense of predictability. Meanwhile, slant rhymes open up the possibilities of what you can say next. “Hurt/deserve” make a slant rhyme, and I thought that was fresher than the lines that came before it in the bridge.

My second pointer for next time would be finding a fresh way to talk about an action or feeling other than just stating the action or feeling. The song paints a picture of Eve’s conflict, but is doing so in ways that could be described as plainly expository. With your next song, maybe you can ask “how can I create an emotional hook with the reader?” For example, the first line of the prechorus: “I’ve never felt so trapped in this garden of eden”. You could ask how to convey entrapment without saying “trap”. Something like “The trees of Eden were the bars of my cage” might create some interest with the reader and give them something to latch onto. You just want to look for anywhere you can add some unique perspective rather than describing.

2. @Julia Fox - “Crying Birds”

You’re dead-on that this piece has an ambiguous feeling, the abstract sense it gives definitely held up after a few readings. If I were to hazard a guess, I’m getting the sense that this is about… Transition? From someone being there with the narrator and then now they’re not. It causes them to recontextualize occurrences such as birds singing with the sense of longing they’re feeling now. There’s some writing I really like here, such as saying the “trees are getting undressed” to represent fall, and the idea of the “singing statute” being a bird who doesn’t immediately flee from the narrator as they eye each other.

I’m very happy that we can get diverse entries in Golden Hit, but I do have to admit it falls a little flat for me with the loose meter and rhyme scheme, along with there not being a killer image or knockout concept to pair it with that makes the loss of the first two points worth it. It reads more strongly as a poem than a song, which isn’t an issue, but I wonder what you might make if you were to tighten up the structure a bit?

3. @DatChickDoe - “Bite”

Now you didn’t tell us what animal you were doing but I did get shark before you name-dropped it at the end of the verse. With that in mind, there are some examples of really strong songwriting here, some of the best I’ve read in the round! The entire first verse was on point. “Lips laced with razors” is definitely a one-liner I’d place within the top 3 of the round, that’s really striking imagery. Your writing has a very commercial edge, and that’s something I really appreciate as a lot of writers lean more to prose in ATRL songwriting games! The rhyme scheme, meter and structure were tight, for the most part.

If I were to give a couple of pointers: for starters, I’d suggest writing out every repetition of the lyrics, rather than doing “refer to chorus”, just for clarity’s sake. I could not tell whether you intended for the section above or below to denote what we should be re-reading as the chorus (I assumed it was the section above.).

Second, while it wasn’t a huge issue in regards to it impacting your score, I’d suggest paying attention to not mixing metaphors as a general rule for more potent songwriting, especially as there will be more “thematic” challenges in the future. If we’re talking about sharks, it helps sharpen the song’s point if you keep focus on that specific metaphor, rather than diverting to sirens, spiders, and terrestrial predators (Such as animals with “paws”, just a minor nitpick but also be aware of what tone your word choice sets: We associate paws with friendly animals such as house cats, dogs, baby bears etc. Wouldn’t “claws” be more pointed and aggressive, for example?). All in all, this was a strong first entry, and I’m interested to see how you build on this in the next challenge!

4. @Hug - “Lilith”

Very strong composition-wise in regards to structure/meter and rhymes. All the rhymes felt natural, and the piece had an easy-to-understand flow. I’d expect no less from one of our songwriting vets!

I do need to admit I didn’t really grasp onto much here despite it being well-written. I think there’s a couple of parts as to why and I hope this advice might spark some possible directions/development for songs in future rounds: 

1. I personally am not a fan of passive voicing/inverted voicing/Yodaspeak etc. I completely understand how it fits thematically here as you’re going for a more archaic voicing to match the Biblical theme, but it does become a bit much when almost every line is inverted. Which sort of leads to my second reservation:

2. I think the voicing/execution combined with the theme of Eve and the snake was low-hanging fruit (Pun intended). It’s a bit too obvious to write the song in this way which made the originality suffer, in my opinion. I think there was a more adventurous way to have these same characters and same thoughts illustrated without reaching to Ole English, especially in a round where this same story was so popular. In future rounds, I’d be excited to see what your command of song structure looks like when paired with a fresh concept.


5. @worldwide angel - “Eternal”

I don’t know how you did it but I absolutely got “sea turtle” before I read your additional info. So, huge kudos for the specific animal choice and having that communicated within the song. My first critique that I’d suggest ironing out before your next submission has nothing to do with the song and all about the format: I’d suggest always using line breaks rather than slashes (“/”) to separate lines if you want to illustrate the meter. I understand it might look uglier to have a lone word or two in its own line, but it’s an easier read than adding additional visible text. Ideally, you can keep it all one complete line to match your full line, but I wouldn’t split the difference using text like the slashes.

Now that that’s out of the way, I kind of read my own story into this! It was a very cinematic piece, I could just picture a newborn turtle hatchling taking his first steps off the beach and exploring the ocean. This was one of the more vibrant entries when it came to imagery this week, and I’d love to see you build on your knack for imagery in the following rounds. One piece of advice is to balance word choice and tone: The piece has a very free feeling, but the instances of the words “die” and “masochist” have a weight that’s wildly imbalanced from the rest of the song, and clash with the tone. You just want to make sure each word choice positively adds to the picture you’re painting, and you’ll be set!

6. @Allday - “Animal For You”
TBA

7. @Better Mistakes - “Don't Leave My Life”

I think you hit upon a really strong concept and unique take on the challenge (That being the perspective of a domesticated animal.), and in fact one that has been explored in a recent hit song. (Try not to cry while watching the music video!) However, I think you’ve come up a bit short, despite a proven and strong basis. I think the issue of why it didn’t connect for me is twofold: 1) the composition and 2) the execution of the theming.

1. I’d suggest caution with how often you repeat anything in a song, especially singular words. I think there’s a way you can make the repetition of love in the prechorus catchy, as well as a way to make the twists on the use of “please” in the chorus not only catchy, but also clever: But in both examples, I found them to just be restating the same point in two ways, which wasn’t very engaging. The verses advanced your story, but the prechorus and chorus seemed to spin in place. For the next round, I’d suggest analyzing each major section and asking how it advances the narrative of the whole song. 

2. I didn’t get that it was about a pet and not a person until I read your additional info. While I’m not a purist about adherence to the challenge and won’t dock you for it, I think it would’ve strengthened your song to mix a bit more of the viewpoint in there, because it is a unique take. For example, I don’t get the sense of what kind of animal this is even with the added info. I’m assuming a dog, but it could also be a cat, hamster, parrot, snake, etc. In the Yuuri song, besides the obvious dog name “Leo”, he has details about being petted (So this animal has fur) and close loyalty (So it’s likely not a hamster or cat, ie a dog.). Think about what details you can bring in.

I know it seems like I’m ragging, but I want to reemphasize this was a strong concept. It’s only the second time I’ve read something like this, and the first time in English, so you’ve definitely got some unique ideas, and I’m interested in what you come up with next, as you really did think outside the box here, despite it not completely coming across on paper.

8. @hurricane326 - “I Walk Alone”

Ok I immediately got cryptid/mythical creature and the exact story of the Jersey Devil had slipped my mind before I read your additional info but I did get shades of that! (I ended up settling on dragon as your animal of choice before checking LMAO.). I think that’s a really inspired choice of “animal” and it gave your song a unique flair compared to the general direction other entries went in. I liked that there was a bit of a narrative here and thought you had a strong command of song composition.

To nitpick, I do think the structure was a bit repetitive, but I do understand you wanted a more folk-y theming, and this lends to that. It feels like it could be read around a campfire, it has a strong sense of atmosphere. As I review this, I’m realizing I liked this more than I thought originally! Certainly memorable, and very well constructed, good work!

9. @EpicSongFan - “Sweet Escape”

(Love Dive is a major bop, first things first.)

I’d like to start off by complimenting the structure of your song. I got a sense of dynamism, i.e. each section introduced a new component of the story, and the moments where it’s meant to peak (Such as the chorus) peaked emotionally, etc. It felt like a fully plotted song with narrative, and I got the sense of it being a commercial pop song. (This was before I checked your instrumental link, btw!)

I have two pointers for you: Similar to the advice I gave Kylie Jenner, try to find ways to say plain/common actions and feelings in a fun way. I thought the first verse of the song was creative (A crown of thorns is a neat way to describe a false compliment.), but in contrast, the outro lacked that creativity. Additionally, if you are aiming for a more commercial feel, make sure to commit to conventions such as rhyme scheme: There’s a few points where the rhyme scheme is randomly dropped or completely absent, such as in the very first verse, and it makes for an awkward read. Overall, I liked the pop-y approach you took for this!

10. @XO_Life - “Body Make-Up”

I have a lot to say about this song:

1. “I shed skin, not tears” is the best one-liner of this round
2. It’s giving me major Taylor Swift Reputation era vibes? I get a huge commercial edge from this song and it’s got the same scornful feel. I think it’s a lot better written than a lot on that album, too.

This song is short and sweet but it doesn’t feel like anything’s missing. It’s really well composed, and I just love love love the central line. I think with the additional info you provided in mind, it fits really well for any woman who’s villainized by the world. There’s a lot of great lines here outside of the central one, too: I liked “my name became a punchline” and “evidence is dependent on sympathy” as well.

I honestly think this was the best realization of the very popular snake theming this round. I think you could put up a really strong showing if you continue with one-liners like you did here.

 (One last thing, I think your original title is much stronger than “Body Makeup”, but I respect your choice as the writer!)

11. @beatinglikeadrum - “Cock-a-doodle-do”

OK the Lana line made me snort on both readings which is actually a good start because you got a reaction from me. So I don’t agree that you flopped!

Let’s look at the positives: You clearly understand the structure needed for this type of song and have a command of rhyme scheme, which is less common than you’d think! So you do have a solid foundation to build off of. There are some nuggets of good bars you could expand on sprinkled throughout. I could see the zodiac lines or the peacock one being refined to make a knockout bar. What I think limits the song are the mixed metaphors. I would’ve suggested focusing on the bird metaphors, as that’s less common in rap and all of pop music than the “kitty” metaphor.

If you want to pursue further rap songs, what you could maybe do is take it in the direction of taking down a cocky man, and use the rooster/bird metaphor to springboard and come up with various punchlines, then try to create connective tissue that makes them flow together. Just some ideas. I’d be interested in seeing you revisit this style of rap tbh!
 

 

Edited August 27, 2022 by 8thPrince