discussion My friend is always negative/full of excuses?

[zasderfght]

I have a friend who is negative about everything or makes up excuses for plausible/realistic solutions.

 

He complains that his mom is in his business/is annoying. At first, I'm sympathetic, but as he keeps bringing this up, I ask him, "Have you ever thought about moving out?" "I'm saving to buy a house." "I can't leave my mom." "It's too expensive." All are his excuses. He's shared how much he has in savings-- he absolutely can afford to leave. 

 

He complains that where we live isn't trans-friendly. Being cis, I try to be sympathetic, and then I ask him, "Have you thought about moving to a more LGBTQ+ accepting neighborhood?" "Have you thought about working at a more LGBTQ+ accepting workplace?" My friend says the jobs I recommended were too far (he doesn't drive/have a license), it's too expensive to live in the more queer-accepting neighborhoods, etc. I then ask if he's thought about driving/getting his license, although, he'll find every excuse: "My mom (and/or dad) doesn't take me driving enough." "I'm getting operated soon." "After I get operated." And I really only posed getting a car as an alternative because he'll complain about having to get up early for the bus or about having to Uber home. 

 

Then every conversation, he'll tell me about how some trans person in X state can't get the proper healthcare, how much he hates the U.S. When I suggest hanging out, almost always something comes up-- his binder is making him uncomfortable, his mom needed him for something, etc. 

 

My friend suffers from PTSD, has attempted in the past, so not sure if this has anything to do with it. He also transitioned (FTM) pretty late, so it could also have something to do with it. 

 

The straw that broke the camel's back for me is when my friend sent me a paragraph about how I was hurting him for just suggesting if he wants bottom surgery that badly (he's having top surgery soon), that I know surgeons in our area that perform it, and I even asked if going overseas or even if going out-of-state was an option. He was like, "I want it. But it has complications. The success rates are low. I find it hurtful you keep bringing it up." 

 

I just don't know how to win with this person. Our last phone conversation, I was frankly so miserable hearing for the 50th time how he can't vape/use THC/drink before his surgery, how some stranger in Texas can't get the proper healthcare, or how his mom is driving him nuts. I get that being trans is something I'll never understand and it's not easy, and I fortunately don't have PTSD, but I'd think you need to change something-- whether it's your perspective, location, etc. How can someone live like this? 

 

I think it doesn't help he basically has no other friends, and when I had him meet one of my other queer friends, he was like, "Yeah. Your friend is too much of a negative Nancy to hang out with." And this wasn't even inspired by anything I told my other friend. 

 

Thoughts? 

Edited August 10, 2022 by zasderfght

[HeavyMetalAura]

I totally see that your intentions are good, and you’re right, he sounds like the kind of person who would rather wallow in self-pity than help himself, so I recognize you’re trying to do a good thing. But it seems like you give a lot of unsolicited advice, which he may interpret as annoying. 
 

When people complain, sometimes they don’t want to hear advice/potential solutions. They just want to complain and be heard. I’d suggest just letting him complain and being like “that sucks, I’m sorry” rather than offering solutions. 

 

If the complaining is too much for you, you can either 1) let the friendship go and accept that maybe you two aren’t compatible as friends or 2) politely confront him about the constant complaining and how it affects you, maybe mentioning then that you view your advice as obvious/feasible and are confused as to why he consistently rejects your help (but this should be done in a very careful, courteous way, because again, maybe he just doesn’t want your advice in the first place). 
 

I’m sorry you’re dealing with that though, I’ve dealt with my fair share of Debbie Downers and it’s no fun. 

[zasderfght]

6 minutes ago, HeavyMetalAura said:

I totally see that your intentions are good, and you’re right, he sounds like the kind of person who would rather wallow in self-pity than help himself, so I recognize you’re trying to do a good thing. But it seems like you give a lot of unsolicited advice, which he may interpret as annoying. 
 

When people complain, sometimes they don’t want to hear advice/potential solutions. They just want to complain and be heard. I’d suggest just letting him complain and being like “that sucks, I’m sorry” rather than offering solutions. 

 

If the complaining is too much for you, you can either 1) let the friendship go and accept that maybe you two aren’t compatible as friends or 2) politely confront him about the constant complaining and how it affects you, maybe mentioning then that you view your advice as obvious/feasible and are confused as to why he consistently rejects your help (but this should be done in a very careful, courteous way, because again, maybe he just doesn’t want your advice in the first place). 
 

I’m sorry you’re dealing with that though, I’ve dealt with my fair share of Debbie Downers and it’s no fun. 

I can understand this perspective. I guess I just get frustrated because I did exactly this, but he would just complain about the same things over and over and over, to the point where I'm like, okay, something has to give. You either do something about this or you choose to be miserable. Of course, I could've been honest earlier on and said, "hey, I get this is a lot to deal with, but maybe try to see the good in the situation" or "hey, maybe these are things to bring up with your therapist." I even gave him my same therapist and doctor because he was complaining his doctor(s) were transphobic-- which they were-- however, I had to be the one to tell both my doctors "hey, I have a friend who's trans, that's looking to book an appointment. Are you taking new clients/patients?" My friend asked me to do this, by the way. 

 

Also, when I told him about the guy I'm currently seeing, he would follow it back with "I hope you guys stay friends." I had to politely tell him by the 5th time he said that, "Hey, we're dating. We're not looking to just be friends. If the guy wants to break things off, that'll just be the end of it." 

 

I get the strange feeling he might be jealous of me, but maybe like you said, he just wants to vent/complain, but for me, that just gets old if you are doing the same thing the same way every time. 

Edited August 10, 2022 by zasderfght

[GraceRandolph]

I hate the argument that gays (or trans people in this case) should just all move to more accepting areas. This is NOT a solution? It just means rich gays deserve to be free from homophobia and poor gays don’t. We need to be fighting for a more accepting world EVERYWHERE as opposed to just being happy that LGBT rights make progresses SOMEWHERE. 

[zasderfght]

2 minutes ago, GraceRandolph said:

I hate the argument that gays (or trans people in this case) should just all move to more accepting areas. This is NOT a solution? It just means rich gays deserve to be free from homophobia and poor gays don’t. We need to be fighting for a more accepting world EVERYWHERE as opposed to just being happy that LGBT rights make progresses SOMEWHERE. 

I agree that the answer isn't to just move, but my friend can also afford to move-- he's even told me this. If you don't want to move out of your neighborhood, but you keep complaining about your living situation, that's just not going to result in a different outcome. I know for the longest time I complained about everything-- my parents being in my business, feeling uncomfortable being gay/open at work or in certain family gatherings, and I know this doesn't work for everyone, but I moved to an area I felt comfortable in (and I'm not rich by any means) w/o my parents, with a very supportive roommate, and I'm just open/disclose upfront my sexuality. And I limit contact with the family members that are not 100% accepting of gay people.

 

If you don't accept me for being gay, that's the other person's loss- not mine. Once I made some lifestyle changes, instead of seeing life as a thunderstorm, I started to see the sun that was always hiding behind those dark and scary clouds. 

[GraceRandolph]

1 minute ago, zasderfght said:

I agree that the answer isn't to just move, but my friend can also afford to move-- he's even told me this. If you don't want to move out of your neighborhood, but you keep complaining about your living situation, that's just not going to result in a different outcome. I know for the longest time I complained about everything-- my parents being in my business, feeling uncomfortable being gay/open at work or in certain family gatherings, and I know this doesn't work for everyone, but I moved to an area I felt comfortable in (and I'm not rich by any means) w/o my parents, with a very supportive roommate, and I'm just open/disclose upfront my sexuality. And I limit contact with the family members that are not 100% accepting of gay people.

 

If you don't accept me for being gay, that's the other person's loss- not mine. Once I made some lifestyle changes, instead of seeing life as a thunderstorm, I started to see the sun that was always hiding behind those dark and scary clouds. 

I mean if your friend doesn’t have a license then moving is probably not realistic? Maybe just tell him to stop venting all the time to you or see a therapist? 

[zasderfght]

Just now, GraceRandolph said:

I mean if your friend doesn’t have a license then moving is probably not realistic? Maybe just tell him to stop venting all the time to you or see a therapist? 

The thing is, he does see a therapist-- in fact, he sees mine. I am going to tell him to please limit the venting he does because it really is too much. He is the only friend that we cannot just talk about life and the joys and the humor that life can bring. And believe me, I have friends that have experienced some horrible tragedies. 

 

With the license, he's communicated to me he's more than ready to take his road test, but I don't understand why he hasn't taken it yet? If I remember correctly, his mom did say he would lend him the car for the road test. 

[Power love]

I bet your friend would be so hurt if he knew you were hear talking about him like a dog with strangers.
 

Just heartbreaking. He deserve better!

[zasderfght]

9 minutes ago, Power love said:

I bet your friend would be so hurt if he knew you were hear talking about him like a dog with strangers.
 

Just heartbreaking. He deserve better!

Whether it's critiquing my music taste every 5 seconds or outright making incendiary comments like this, do you not have anything better to do with your life? I know if I didn't like someone on ATRL, I would not be wasting my time commenting on their stuff negatively all the time. 

Edited August 10, 2022 by zasderfght

[Jagger]

Ew I would not be friends with him OP lol. I can't stand constant complainers. Ofc every once in a while we all go through **** and need to vent/break down but he sounds like a drag. We ALL go through stuff

 

Also the never ending excuses for not being able to hang out is a dealbreaker from me. I'd just stop asking 

 

But the worst part is always talking about some tragic stranger. I have an ex friend who does that and I'm always like "who gives a **** lmao". Sounds like he's obsessed with trauma porn 

[xclusivestylesz]

Your friend is a bum that doesn't want to better themselves. Stop making excuses for people who doesn't want to help themselves. Your not his therapist. Stop being guilt tripped into thinking you need to put up with the negativity because they suffer from XYZ and they 'attempted' before. You were supportive. Now let them wallow in their self pity. 

[zasderfght]

9 minutes ago, Jagger said:

Ew I would not be friends with him OP lol. I can't stand constant complainers. Ofc every once in a while we all go through **** and need to vent/break down but he sounds like a drag. We ALL go through stuff

 

Also the never ending excuses for not being able to hang out is a dealbreaker from me. I'd just stop asking 

 

But the worst part is always talking about some tragic stranger. I have an ex friend who does that and I'm always like "who gives a **** lmao". Sounds like he's obsessed with trauma porn 

Yeah, and it's like, I get it. There's people in this world that are very transphobic and/or just sucky people. But unless they are responsible for your rent, they are your boss, etc. why are you allowing them to live rent-free in your head? Let alone strangers? 

 

I rather spend my time watching people I actually enjoy watching-- people who inspire me, make me laugh, etc. 

[xclusivestylesz]

24 minutes ago, zasderfght said:

Whether it's critiquing my music taste every 5 seconds or outright making incendiary comments like this, do you not have anything better to do with your life? I know if I didn't like someone on ATRL, I would not be wasting my time commenting on their stuff negatively all the time. 

Don't you see how this response translates directly into their situation? He doesn't have anything better to do with his life. Because he doesn't want better. It's wild to me that you're on atrl seeking advice over something that's clearly toxic. Let it go. Share your feelings with them and provide an ultimatum. Sure, be kind.  You being his friend actually only makes matter worst because it seems as if you're incapable of speaking bluntly to him. Which I understand. Sometimes people need to be left alone in order to come to terms with themselves. 

[xclusivestylesz]

2 minutes ago, zasderfght said:

 

 

I rather spend my time watching people I actually enjoy watching-- people who inspire me, make me laugh, etc. 

So, what's holding you back from doing exactly this?

[zasderfght]

Just now, xclusivestylesz said:

So, what's holding you back from doing exactly this?

Not being confrontational. 

 

3 minutes ago, xclusivestylesz said:

Don't you see how this response translates directly into their situation? He doesn't have anything better to do with his life. Because he doesn't want better. It's wild to me that you're on atrl seeking advice over something that's clearly toxic. Let it go. Share your feelings with them and provide an ultimatum. Sure, be kind.  You being his friend actually only makes matter worst because it seems as if you're incapable of speaking bluntly to him. Which I understand. Sometimes people need to be left alone in order to come to terms with themselves. 

Like I said before, not being confrontational. But it's something I have to work on, and even though I feel sympathetic towards my friend for him getting the surgery (I remember what it was like prepping for my operation-- I was super anxious/scared about the whole process), I need to be honest with my feelings. 

[xclusivestylesz]

16 minutes ago, zasderfght said:

Not being confrontational. 

 

Like I said before, not being confrontational. But it's something I have to work on, and even though I feel sympathetic towards my friend for him getting the surgery (I remember what it was like prepping for my operation-- I was super anxious/scared about the whole process), I need to be honest with my feelings. 

What makes you think it has to be confrontational? You can express your frustrations, also, no? I mean yeah do so in a way that's sensitive towards their feelings. It seems as if you're walking on egg shells around them. 

 

Are you also trans? Did you get your surgical stuff done? Maybe your friend has a bit of jealousy towards you that you were able to follow through with that. It's a sticky situation however I think you're at a point where you're ready to rip the band-aid off. Tell him(her?,idk) exactly how you feel and ask them for time away. You don't have to dead them. Just take a break. Your emotions is just as valid and if he's raining down on that, then yeah, time to take action. Good luck. Always remember that you shouldn't force yourself to remain in anything you're not happy with. 

Edited August 10, 2022 by xclusivestylesz

[Cain]

Friends are supposed to give you energy not drain it, if they for whatever reason don’t do that, let em go

[anklebiterrs]

Sounds like you don’t wanna be friends with this person, you’re free to do so. Why waste your time knowing this person doesn’t bring you joy or adds value to your life? Complaining about it online doesn’t help either, if you have a problem with every solution people are proposing. Lowkey seems like you’re doing the same thing as him here. 

[Dolce Vita]

if this “friendship” isn’t bringing you both joy, it’s better to recognise that and let him go than continue to be unhappy with someone who sounds like they drain a lot of your own energy trying to help them 

[zasderfght]

3 hours ago, anklebiterrs said:

Sounds like you don’t wanna be friends with this person, you’re free to do so. Why waste your time knowing this person doesn’t bring you joy or adds value to your life? Complaining about it online doesn’t help either, if you have a problem with every solution people are proposing. Lowkey seems like you’re doing the same thing as him here. 

Can you show me a reply of mine that proves I'm not open-minded to people's feedback? 

 

The one instance where I'm not is towards a certain user that has nothing but negative things to say to me on this site all the time. She gives me Yolanda Saldivar vibes. 

[zasderfght]

5 hours ago, xclusivestylesz said:

What makes you think it has to be confrontational? You can express your frustrations, also, no? I mean yeah do so in a way that's sensitive towards their feelings. It seems as if you're walking on egg shells around them. 

 

Are you also trans? Did you get your surgical stuff done? Maybe your friend has a bit of jealousy towards you that you were able to follow through with that. It's a sticky situation however I think you're at a point where you're ready to rip the band-aid off. Tell him(her?,idk) exactly how you feel and ask them for time away. You don't have to dead them. Just take a break. Your emotions is just as valid and if he's raining down on that, then yeah, time to take action. Good luck. Always remember that you shouldn't force yourself to remain in anything you're not happy with. 

Thank you! You're absolutely right. I'm going to tell him today it's too much. 

 

Also, I'm cis. Conversely, he's trans, and he's getting top surgery soon.

 

The surgery I had was to deal with GI issues, not at all with surgery trans people get. 

Edited August 10, 2022 by zasderfght

[getBusy]

Honestly, i don’t think anyone in this relationship is benefitting from it. You don’t like his attitude and he doesn’t like your suggestions. Sometimes you have to move on. 

[zasderfght]

5 hours ago, Cain said:

Friends are supposed to give you energy not drain it, if they for whatever reason don’t do that, let em go

You raise a good point. I just know this person has gone through a lot, but their problems also aren't mine, nor are they mine to fix. 

 

7 minutes ago, getBusy said:

Honestly, i don’t think anyone in this relationship is benefitting from it. You don’t like his attitude and he doesn’t like your suggestions. Sometimes you have to move on. 

Yeah, I can agree w this. 

[Cain]

43 minutes ago, zasderfght said:

You raise a good point. I just know this person has gone through a lot, but their problems also aren't mine, nor are they mine to fix. 

My friends go through a lot all the time (so do I) and talking to them and helping them still energizes me. If that’s not the feeling you get from a friend then, like others have said, no one benefits from this relationship 

[madonnas]

It sucks to see someone negative all the time and it’s definitely stemming from deeper issues not having to do with you personally.  
 

I get the negativity cuz it probably sucks to live in texas being trans, but you should tell him the next time you see him to not mention anything negative.  I’ve done this before with friends and it works.  He deserves an escape from his shitty reality and can’t let the negativity consume him.  But if that’s not possible you have to probably keep him at an arms length.  You can’t let someone drag you down even if they’re not intentionally doing it or doing it with malice.