discussion Would U Date Someone Thats HIV Positive?

[byzantium]

Why no? 

[Headlock]

7 hours ago, lostcause said:

“And how much do you want to guess a part of their hypochondriacal feelings towards HIV has to do with being uneducated about U=U “

This is your exact response to @HeavyMetalAura empathizing with my post. Your point was to generalize people struggling with hypochondria as “uneducated”. In fact, I am educated on the subject. I have lifelong friends who are HIV+. None of this changes the fact that my irrational hypochondria would inject an unhealthy level of anxiety into a relationship with someone regardless of their U=U status. My health anxiety has lead to many deep irrational fears. I have been tested following sex with a long term partner using a condom. It doesn’t matter that I know the statistics and science backing condom efficacy, my hypochondria is real. This has even been used against me by an abusive ex. They put on an accent, distorted their voice and called to tell me they tested positive for every STI using a blocked number. He told me he was behind the “joke” a year later, after successfully ruining my mental health for all those months. 

So no, my hypochondria is not based on ignorance. If anything, it is comorbid with a deep distrust of others. For me to begin a relationship with an U=U HIV+ person, I would have to trust a stranger to stick to their stringent ART regimen as to not become detectable. These trust issues combined with my hypochondria mean I am not someone who should be in an intimate relationship with someone who is positive. It would be an unfair burden on both of us. 
 

and if you are so wedded to the DSMV discontinuing the term “hypochondria”, you shouldn’t have used the term in your initial response. Perhaps you only just googled “hypochondria” and found that the latest manual changed its name? If that’s the case, you should know that the DSMV has been widely denounced by previous contributors for being the first edition to make its task force sign an NDA. “70% of the task force members have reported direct industry ties” to Pharmaceutical companies. It is not a respected DSM in the least. So I’ll continue to call my hypochondria by the name I have always known it by, regardless of whatever new name shows up in your quick Google search. 

 

Thank you for advocating for those of us who deal with hypochondria on a daily basis. Nuance and understanding are rare on this forum, and I’m grateful for your thoughtful voice. 

You do realize my post completely holds up and obviously doesn't refer to you because you have the predisposition to illness anxiety i was referring to  

Furthermore, I was referencing the difference between someone with "hypochondriacal" feelings, which is an adjective that can be used and doesn't negate the fact that the diagnosis of "hypochondria" no longer exists , and someone with an actual anxiety disorder. I literally already talked about this. You obviously fall into the later category, so congrats, none of this applies to you. I was replying to them, not replying to anything about you.

 

I brought up the DSM-V because a) that user tried to health-splain illness anxiety to me incorrectly, b) that user was unknowingly repeating themselves by trying to differentiate things that are the same thing, and c) to bring up how illness anxiety disorder is treated. I fully empathize with your illness, because my posts aren't referring to you, aside from explaining how treatment works. I have underlying illness anxiety myself that is caused by my OCD, I literally didn't leave the house for six months when I thought I was infected with HIV a few years ago. And what helped? Treatment. Education. Learning the root causes. Therapy. Medication. Confronting it and learn how to manage it. It ******* sucks to do it but it does help. Which again brings me back to my post. Having an actual anxiety disorder, which again you do obviously have, and just being afraid of something, is not the same thing. People use pop psychology diagnoses for the smallest grievances that don't actually fit because their actual lives aren't being affected. And for the millionth time, this doesn't apply to you.

 

Also just as an aside, it's funny that you're trying a gotcha with using *checks notes* the Mayo Clinic to explain the disorder, and meanwhile it sounds like got your info from the controversy section of the DSM on Wikipedia. So 

Edited May 12, 2022 by Headlock

[Headlock]

5 hours ago, Ascareus Kratos said:

Yups. And always use condom spf 50+ with uva uvb protection

If you're monogamous, awesome 

Don't know why you're tanning your anus though.

[BILLIONAIRE✘BOY]

3 hours ago, boubour said:

that’s fine! everyone has their preferences and I respect that 

Respecting others choices we need more people like you!

[Ascareus Kratos]

1 hour ago, Headlock said:

If you're monogamous, awesome 

Don't know why you're tanning your anus though.

Not my anus sisss 

 

[Bloo]

I think I could if I really liked the guy. It would obviously be a situation that would require solid communication and trust, so I’m not sure if I have enough of that for casual hookups. But if I had a strong connection and a good feeling about a certain guy, I could do it. 

[Julián]

6 hours ago, Daddy said:

 

Not taking the pill one day isn't doing anything. Plus no HIV+ person would forget their meds on a vacation...

kfjskldf IMAGINE thinking someone will forget to take the pill that is LITERALLY keeping you alive  

 

The fact that if you say something like "formation isn't iconic", you get a wp for bigotry but some of the takes on this thread go unreported/unwarned. Jesus this forum

 

I've been positive and undetectable for 5 years, I've always told myself that if someone doesn't want to go out with me because of my status even if i'm undetectable, then I'd get it and respect it, but reading through this thread made me realize that's not the case. If someone doesn't want to deal with the anxiety that comes with being with someone that has an illness, that's fine because yes, it can be tough on the mental health sometimes for both sides (and it applies to all serious illnesses, e.g. cancer, diabetes etc), no one is forced to take care of anyone else and sometimes with those diseases people could feel like that, or they could feel scared that their significant other will die before they can experience many things, it's understandable not to want to go through that fear and pain. But that's not even the case in this thread, people saying no here are saying it because they think they might get it, but it's LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE to get it if the person is and has been undetectable for 6 months+ (which they'll be if they take their meds). You don't understand the self-loathing that comes from getting this condition and the willingness to live it takes to actually pick yourself back up, even while being so scared and traumatized, so that you're safe yourself and you're safe for your future partners only to stlll, in 2022, be met with some of the takes i read here. There definitely needs to be more education around hiv because this is very sad and discouraging to see. 

 

You're literally safer having sex with an undetectable HIV+ person than with the untested randoms on grindr that claim to be negative. 

[Daddy]

13 minutes ago, Julián said:

kfjskldf IMAGINE thinking someone will forget to take the pill that is LITERALLY keeping you alive  

 

The fact that if you say something like "formation isn't iconic", you get a wp for bigotry but some of the takes on this thread go unreported/unwarned. Jesus this forum

 

I've been positive and undetectable for 5 years, I've always told myself that if someone doesn't want to go out with me because of my status even if i'm undetectable, then I'd get it and respect it, but reading through this thread made me realize that's not the case. If someone doesn't want to deal with the anxiety that comes with being with someone that has an illness, that's fine because yes, it can be tough on the mental health sometimes for both sides (and it applies to all serious illnesses, e.g. cancer, diabetes etc), no one is forced to take care of anyone else and sometimes with those diseases people could feel like that, or they could feel scared that their significant other will die before they can experience many things, it's understandable not to want to go through that fear and pain. But that's not even the case in this thread, people saying no here are saying it because they think they might get it, but it's LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE to get it if the person is and has been undetectable for 6 months+ (which they'll be if they take their meds). You don't understand the self-loathing that comes from getting this condition and the willingness to live it takes to actually pick yourself back up, even while being so scared and traumatized, so that you're safe yourself and you're safe for your future partners only to stlll, in 2022, be met with some of the takes i read here. There definitely needs to be more education around hiv because this is very sad and discouraging to see. 

 

You're literally safer having sex with an undetectable HIV+ person than with the untested randoms on grindr that claim to be negative. 

I'm HIV+ since 2008 and came out as such on ATRL in 2009. My goal was to help people anonymously and to answer their questions. Which I did. I got hundreds of messages over the years. Most so nice and thoughtful but also some incredibly vile stuff. Shocking. 

 

Gays are always the nastiest to each other plus there's a lot of gays that live far from big cities, so they're not used to interact with HIV+ guys that share their experiences with being positive very openly. 

 

I hope they grow up and educate themselves. And most importantly: I hope they don't act like that in real life. The trauma they can bring onto an actual human being... so sad. 

 

Thanks for your comment

[suneclipse121]

This is coming from the perspective of someone who is completely educated on HIV and is still irrationally afraid of it. Probably need to medical help at this point ?. My brain simply cannot rationalize with the facts regarding HIV. 
 

it would be a challenge for me to be with someone who has HIV. Not because of them but because I have an irrational fear of catching it. And even with undetectable status. The doubt would always be prominent in my mind. It would have a negative impact on the relationship with that person.
I don’t have random hookups with just anyone anyways and when I do have sex (very rare due to fear?)I gather as much information from them as I can regarding their sexual health.  
 

Also my heart goes out to anyone that lives with HIV. I hope my comments don’t offend. Im simply expressing my own mental challenges in coping with anxiety and irrational fear regarding HIV.

[Julián]

12 minutes ago, Daddy said:

I'm HIV+ since 2008 and came out as such on ATRL in 2009. My goal was to help people anonymously and to answer their questions. Which I did. I got hundreds of messages over the years. Most so nice and thoughtful but also some incredibly vile stuff. Shocking. 

 

Gays are always the nastiest to each other plus there's a lot of gays that live far from big cities, so they're not used to interact with HIV+ guys that share their experiences with being positive very openly. 

 

I hope they grow up and educate themselves. And most importantly: I hope they don't act like that in real life. The trauma they can bring onto an actual human being... so sad. 

 

Thanks for your comment

I was really under the impression that the stigma around HIV was surely dissapearing because every time I've dated someone since I was diagnosed and have disclosed it promptly, they have been totally fine with it, even if they didn't know much about it, they let me explain and they even researched themselves and told me they're fine with it and thanked me for confiding in them, but I guess i've just been very very lucky in real life (which im thankful for) because still, some of the online discourse around this topic is  

[Anye]

No

[Iceland]

absolutely, if they tell me their status when we starting the relationship that would be fine.

 

[BOOMBAYAH]

I mean why not? If they are on medication and undetectable then what’s the difference between someone who is negative?

[Erreur2 La Nature]

Probably not unless I'm deeply in love without knowing at first

[terrorblade]

naur

[Katamari]

why yall keep making this thread

[Soapysteven]

I think this just reveals how young and ignorant some users are. Undetectable = No Risk. Educate yourselves.

[GeeDuval]

On 5/11/2022 at 11:05 AM, ZeroSuitBritney said:

The negative stigma from gays towards other gays who are positive is so disturbing. If you are positive you can live a healthy normal life.

I totally agree.

 

As daya Betty would say no offense, but our community is so toxic in that sense. quick to point the finger and call someone out on the same things/activities for lack of a better word they partake in behind closed doors. If on prep and the pos partner is on meds why not? I feel like every month a new medicine comes out & now injection once a month - to stay undetectable. 

 

I would and have have been with a couple of partners who are healthy and undetectable.

[HeavyMetalAura]

12 hours ago, Headlock said:

Just as an aside, phobias are type of anxiety disorder. They're the same thing.

 

Stating that ignorance would contribute to someone's anxiety isn't negating a point at all, it's identifying a possible cause. And when you identify a cause, you can combat it with treatment to eliminate that cause, and hopefully, eliminate some of the anxiety. THat's how CBT for illness anxiety disorder works.

I’m aware that phobias are a type of anxiety disorder, but you seemed distracted that I previously used the word “hypochondria” even though it is technically outdated, so I wanted to expand the pool of terminology I use with you. 

 

You said that your posts “don’t apply to that user,” and yet I’m literally talking explicitly about sufferers like that user - people who suffer from extreme forms health anxiety, in whatever terminology you’d like to use. As I’ve stated numerous times before, those are the people in particular I’ve been advocating for in these exchanges. Many of those people are not ignorant of the fact that their fears are irrational; more often than not, they are educated and knowledgeable of that, but the fear persists nonetheless.
 

Can’t quote more than one post rn because I can’t figure it out on mobile, but here’s what your original quote said in response to my post advocating for those with severe forms of health anxiety: 

 

“And how much do you want to guess a part of their hypochondriacal feelings towards HIV has to do with being uneducated about U=U “

 

My answer? It has little or nothing to do with that at all in most cases, when it comes to people with severe health anxiety (people I were referring to in the post you quoted). In fact, people with phobias often hyper-fixate on their fears, so in many cases it’s likely someone with an HIV phobia has done enough research on it to know that U=U, and the phobia persists despite being educated on that. If the phobia then disappears upon being educated, it’s likely they never had a phobia in the first place, and they were just ignorant. If only it were that simple for people with a health anxiety disorder. 
 

While knowing that one’s fears are irrational/illogical is an important first step in combating the fear, simply lacking the education that the fear is unfounded alone has little or nothing to do with the reason a phobia may exist in an individual; typically, the core issues go psychologically deeper than that. This is why your original post was so off-base and offensive to sufferers, though you’ve made some correct statements regarding those who don’t suffer from extreme forms of health anxiety. But this conversation was never about them. I hope that clears things up!

Edited May 12, 2022 by HeavyMetalAura

[John Slayne]

8 hours ago, Julián said:

kfjskldf IMAGINE thinking someone will forget to take the pill that is LITERALLY keeping you alive  

 

The fact that if you say something like "formation isn't iconic", you get a wp for bigotry but some of the takes on this thread go unreported/unwarned. Jesus this forum

 

I've been positive and undetectable for 5 years, I've always told myself that if someone doesn't want to go out with me because of my status even if i'm undetectable, then I'd get it and respect it, but reading through this thread made me realize that's not the case. If someone doesn't want to deal with the anxiety that comes with being with someone that has an illness, that's fine because yes, it can be tough on the mental health sometimes for both sides (and it applies to all serious illnesses, e.g. cancer, diabetes etc), no one is forced to take care of anyone else and sometimes with those diseases people could feel like that, or they could feel scared that their significant other will die before they can experience many things, it's understandable not to want to go through that fear and pain. But that's not even the case in this thread, people saying no here are saying it because they think they might get it, but it's LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE to get it if the person is and has been undetectable for 6 months+ (which they'll be if they take their meds). You don't understand the self-loathing that comes from getting this condition and the willingness to live it takes to actually pick yourself back up, even while being so scared and traumatized, so that you're safe yourself and you're safe for your future partners only to stlll, in 2022, be met with some of the takes i read here. There definitely needs to be more education around hiv because this is very sad and discouraging to see. 

 

You're literally safer having sex with an undetectable HIV+ person than with the untested randoms on grindr that claim to be negative. 

 

8 hours ago, Daddy said:

I'm HIV+ since 2008 and came out as such on ATRL in 2009. My goal was to help people anonymously and to answer their questions. Which I did. I got hundreds of messages over the years. Most so nice and thoughtful but also some incredibly vile stuff. Shocking. 

 

Gays are always the nastiest to each other plus there's a lot of gays that live far from big cities, so they're not used to interact with HIV+ guys that share their experiences with being positive very openly. 

 

I hope they grow up and educate themselves. And most importantly: I hope they don't act like that in real life. The trauma they can bring onto an actual human being... so sad. 

 

Thanks for your comment

thank you for sharing your stories guys  spreading awareness is still important in our community, as is evidenced by the ignorant comments in this thread 

[meangreen11]

No, but it’s more to do with the medical industry in the US than it is to do with them. I understand the near (but not completely) impossible transmission rate from someone who is undetectable and on prep, but there are too many variables for me to take that personal risk. 
 

The sad thing is that access to these medicines is not a guarantee for everyone and a major life event or loss of insurance could be detrimental to the relationship. If not covered by insurance or a federal/state program, it is extremely expensive and would put a stress on finances. And I wouldn’t want to have to take prep daily or use condoms every time I have sex in a monogamous relationship if they lost that access. Some may say that’s selfish, but it’s a risk you don’t have to take and your personal health should come first, imo. It is, unfortunately, a burden to be dependent on a medicine not just for the sake of a relationship, but for your life itself. (There absolutely have been breakthrough cases of transmission while fully compliant with prep treatment btw.)

 

That being said, those things SHOULDN’T have to factor in but it’s the world we live in and if you think the GOP isn’t going to try to overturn free access to public healthcare and prescription coverage for a “gay disease,” you’re kidding yourself. 

[Dula Peep]

On 5/11/2022 at 11:08 AM, Beyoncé Knowles said:

I don't want to date anyone. Humans are so exhausting! Being alone, doing your own thing, enjoying food and music, it's so peaceful. Being alone is so soothing to me.

Everytime I talk to someone, I just feel disappointed...

tea  people are just too exhausting to deal with 

[Bussea]

undecided.

 

i most likely will tho if i really like them and they’re undetectable

[Bussea]

On 5/11/2022 at 11:08 AM, Beyoncé Knowles said:

I don't want to date anyone. Humans are so exhausting! Being alone, doing your own thing, enjoying food and music, it's so peaceful. Being alone is so soothing to me.

Everytime I talk to someone, I just feel disappointed...

this is the tea

[Brysexual]

As someone who is living with HIV, and diagnosed at 20, it’s kind of disheartening to see some of the ignorance around HIV. As long PLWH are undetectable, they cannot transmit sexually, U=U.

 

I thought my dating life was over when I was diagnosed but no one has ever denied me because of my status. They typically like that I’m honest about my status. I’ve dated a negative partner for 2 years, had unprotected sex (often) and he was negative when we broke up. He wasn’t on PrEP because me being undetectable kept him negative.