fountain Posted May 23, 2017 Author Posted May 23, 2017 1 minute ago, Speezy said: My uncles is expected to pass away that time is it possible to have like 2 hrs earlier Your uncle what sorry sis ? Not really TBH, still got me and Temp to be in so it'll be longer
Speezy Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 Just now, keshaspearsxo said: Your uncle what sorry sis ? Not really TBH, still got me and Temp to be in so it'll be longer Left you a wall post Forgot it was sort of a bad time for jokes
mxtthewdelrey Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 9 minutes ago, Speezy said: My uncles is expected to pass away that time is it possible to have like 2 hrs earlier *A wild Sasha Velour appears* Don't joke about that
mxtthewdelrey Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 please come and support the final of the atrl x factor !
ceremonials Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 2 minutes ago, mxtthewdelrey said: please come and support the final of the atrl x factor ! Bye at it not being done yet
mxtthewdelrey Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 Just now, ceremonials said: Bye at it not being done yet And it will never finish if we don't get to the next page
UFO Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 1 hour ago, Speezy said: My uncles is expected to pass away that time is it possible to have like 2 hrs earlier
ceremonials Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 1 hour ago, keshaspearsxo said: Looking to do results in about 3 and a half hours ? ?
fountain Posted May 23, 2017 Author Posted May 23, 2017 6 minutes ago, Corsola said: fff I wasn't serious it was just me shading temporal/gabe for not reviewing me yet get them
Temporal Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 Temporal's Score Distributions 10 - 0 9 - 0 8 - 2 7 - 2 6 - 10 5 - 6 4 - 5 3 - 2 2 - 0 1 - 1 Average - 5.639
Temporal Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 13. Tsareena - Nutty Butter This was okay. You stuck with your theme and your artwork matched the song, but it wasn’t terribly clever, and there were so many instructions like *EDM drop* that it just felt corny, and the rhymes were rather predictable, which is something that you don’t want from a song like this. - The rhyme scheme in the verses - AAAA - is a hard to one to follow and it led to forced rhymes. - “Kids love it” this was a yikes lyric since the song is, ya know, about really nasty sex. - The repitition in the chorus was unnecessary. This IS a lyric writing competition, so you should use your words carefully and sparingly. - “Only matters that it ends with his nut / Slather it all over me and my butt” was funny although you rhymed nut with nut in the lyric before. 14. Pecinta Mariah - Imperfect Being My biggest issue was that this felt rushed; it was quite short, and on top of that, you repeated “an imperfect being” at the end of every stanza too, so this piece just boiled down to very little. The lyrics themselves felt elementary too, there were no images, motifs, or words even to really latch on to. It was just all vanilla. - “I'm so blessed of your presence / Feel cursed when you're away” so cliché. 15. Witch - Overthinking The biggest problem with this entry I believe was the flow. I could see you reaching for the poetic style, but it was held back by syllable counts and rhymes. For instance, the pre-chorus was 10 - 4 - 11 - 10. The chorus also needed more meat; I think it was outshined by the verses which isn’t something you want to have happen. - “You're going to inevitably catch me” I wasn’t a fan of “inevitably” in general, but it should’ve gone before “going” instead of after “going to” 16. 8thPrince - Capsize The artwork is but it looks a bit bland for a single artwork (why was it not square?). There was also collusion between you and Hug for your entries this week it seems Anyways, this was good, you had some really nice lyrics here, but I struggled to get a grip on the flow of the peace, and the quoted section felt clunky. - “Three seconds until we capsize / “Two seconds until we capsize” it was weird to have the other sections interrupted between the counts and then for you to go straight from three to two. - The 1st verse was a slay - “Stumped by your buttons, Velcro-straps, and metal zips” this line was too long, and read slam poem-y. Just take out one of the items in the list. 17. FCKNAmbrosia - Codes Ellie will c u in court! I thought this was generally good, but there were some significant issues that held this back: the flow was pretty wild - which can especially be seen in the bridge - and I felt like this kept shifting from cute lovesong with cute motifs to something much more dark and sinister when it should’ve been just one or the other. The use of stretch marks to be read as code was really interesting, but then leaving that open rhyme to “dick” was jarring. - “Of not kissing me behind your manor’s willow.” This lyric was a REACH - “As my eyes record you at every blink” I think the song should’ve focused more on this. 18. RihsusChrist(ATG) - 1997 This was way too repetitive when it could’ve been something much cooler. You could’ve turned this into a conversation between your younger self and your present self, or had sections of the song coming from different perspectives, but instead, it just felt like you were listing things about how ignorant you were as a child and how badly you want to be numb. There wasn’t a story being told to give this motion. There is potential here, but you need to think critically about the work you’re creating. As for the artwork, I liked the concept, but the actual picture was a tad cluttered for me. - “I wanna go back to 1997 / 1997, I wanna go” I get that you were going for ACTUAL song lyrics, but in a lyric writing contest, it’s best to avoid blatant pop hooks since those don’t have excellent lyrics per say. Same goes for “Dreams didn't become regret / (Sigh)...regret...regretting…” 19. Ceremonials - Pussypear Swish Swish Bush. Another flop in the basket. 20. UFO - Two Strangers Use your words carefully! A lot of the words here felt necessary and actually did more to hurt the song than help it. I really liked the concept and the artwork, but the flow within each line and stanza was really awkward, with a lot of word choices being unusual. Don’t stick in an adjective just because you need one! - “Somehow everything hurts more vividly in the dark” “vivid” describes something you see, not feel - “The night-time stared at my eyes, so swollen” Your eyes being swollen felt like a weird thing to describe. I get that it’s from crying, but within the stanza it was an odd image. - “You led me blindfolded into a wonderland” “blindfolded” was clunky and a weird addition - The flow in the verses with commas splitting lines up drove me a bit crazy. If you need commas like that in your lines, you’re probably doing something wrong! 21. SaintWest - House Lights Really interesting concept and pretty artwork (though for ****s sake it should’ve been square). I loved the flow and rhymes of this, it was the easiest entry to read at this point by far. My biggest complaint was probably that it ended so soon, you had such a fascinating concept that I wanted to see more of the thinking behind it, which I didn’t get to. - “I'll masquerade through friendships” I didn’t get how this related to the rest of the song. 22. Funnellegs - No Sanctuary From Us Girl WHERE are the rhymes? ABCD is not a rhyme scheme Also, label ya song structures. I like the artwork a lot, but the song’s lyrics and what you describe feel distant from each other. Being lost in an empty building while trying to represent a lost friendship is a bit of a stretch. For next week, I would recommend toning down the ARTPOP a biT, as there is a lot of potential here. - “feels like I’m so lost I’ll never be found.” kinda cliché 23. EmojiClothes - 770 I like the artwork Like Aurora/Swish Swish/Sam/Lynx/Sam93t672butte****662, I actually liked the “Nose/Clothes” rhyme. The concept was cool and very songlike, though a bit short. The second verse was the weakest section of the song, with the first verse being the best. - “Let's keep it casual / Cause I don't wanna touch a nerve” do more of this stuff, two line punches are the best. 24. Corsola - Petals This was well written, with the cover being decent but I think the concept was potentially on the melodramatic side. I was so confused by how you fit into the story though. At one point you’re a cloud “leaving trails of rain” but at another point it steers you to the suns rays? I’m overall confused as to exactly what was happening with the song, though I do get the gist of it I suppose. I really liked the flow of the piece as well as the technical elements of it. 25. DripDrip - Bloom I really liked the artwork, but I think it only connects to half of the song. The first verse was (bluntly) messy, with the repetition of “simple” so many times when it doesn’t fit with the bloom or flower motif at all. I think you tried to do too much with too little. - “She's been torn but now she's born” why was this line all by itself? “Now she’s born” doesn’t make sense either. - “Bloom/Night/Sun/Bloom” was clunky. 26. Mxtthewdelrey - WET I’ll just refer you to Aurora’s review since he can say what I’m thinking in a much nicer tone. I definitely got PC music vibes from this, but that genre does not translate lyrically at all. You’re going to do what you want regardless of what I tell you, so have at it I suppose. - wtf is verse four 27. Auburn - Wooden Eyes This was a really interesting angle to take. I would’ve liked there to have been more dimensions to this, as opposed to a story about household chores basically. As a song I don’t see it being too practical, but I really liked the darkness of it combined with the artwork regardless. - “for love that is never flowing” “flowing” was part of a forced rhyme - “finally the truth will be known” what is the truth? You don’t elaborate on it. 28. Lucky#17 - Intimate Aurora’s review is right on point. I think the addition of the echoes and repeated words were so unnecessary here, and the rhyme scheme was really inconsistent and hard to grasp. For a lyric writing competition, a really standard song about the club probably isn’t the best way to go either. The artwork was cool. - The product naming felt really trite and unnecessary.
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted May 24, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted May 24, 2017 15 minutes ago, Temporal said: 13. Tsareena - Nutty Butter This was okay. You stuck with your theme and your artwork matched the song, but it wasn’t terribly clever, and there were so many instructions like *EDM drop* that it just felt corny, and the rhymes were rather predictable, which is something that you don’t want from a song like this. - The rhyme scheme in the verses - AAAA - is a hard to one to follow and it led to forced rhymes. - “Kids love it” this was a yikes lyric since the song is, ya know, about really nasty sex. - The repitition in the chorus was unnecessary. This IS a lyric writing competition, so you should use your words carefully and sparingly. - “Only matters that it ends with his nut / Slather it all over me and my butt” was funny although you rhymed nut with nut in the lyric before. Thanks for the review. Honestly my first song so I'm hoping to challenge myself a bit more with the future rounds especially with rhyming and general wordplay. The kids line was definitely a mess but I wanted to show nutty butter was actual peanut butter and not a metaphor for something else
ceremonials Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 23 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: "Temporal is a bitch" indeed!
EmojiClothes Posted May 24, 2017 Posted May 24, 2017 30 minutes ago, Temporal said: Temporal's Score Distributions 10 - 0 9 - 0 #wedidthat 25 minutes ago, Temporal said: 23. EmojiClothes - 770 I like the artwork Like Aurora/Swish Swish/Sam/Lynx/Sam93t672butte****662, I actually liked the “Nose/Clothes” rhyme. The concept was cool and very songlike, though a bit short. The second verse was the weakest section of the song, with the first verse being the best. - “Let's keep it casual / Cause I don't wanna touch a nerve” do more of this stuff, two line punches are the best. Thank you!! I'll try to make the songs longer next time.
fountain Posted May 24, 2017 Author Posted May 24, 2017 3 hours ago, keshaspearsxo said: Looking to do results in about 3 and a half hours ? it will be a little later
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