SaintWest Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 3 minutes ago, Aurora said: Sorry for the delay on my end. I had one solid good day to work on these and I got exactly half of them done (when you see my reviews, you'll know why it took me an age). If you would rather shorter comments to get things done quicker because you don't really care about what I have to say, please let me know! I don't want that to sound rude but I'd rather not waste my time and waste pears' time waiting for scores if it's not wanted. If they are wanted, I'm more than happy to continue doing them. Just reply to this post if you (personally) would rather a long or a short review and I'll keep that in mind for future rounds. @funnellegs@Gastrodonatella@RihsusChrist(ATG)@Glassmouth@beatinglikeadrum@Buyonce1814@Hug@Nait Phoenix@Pecinta Mariah@UFO@Speezy@Tsareena@mxtthewdelrey@SaintWest@FCKNAmbrosia@Cupid@Corsola@ceremonials@Auburn@ONIKACRAZY@OreGuy@Lane Boy@Lucky#17@8thPrince@DripDrip I definitely like in depth reviews so I can see exactly what wasn't connecting well. But obviously if you don't have time, I really don't mind something quick.
Glassmouth Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 2 minutes ago, Aurora said: Sorry for the delay on my end. I had one solid good day to work on these and I got exactly half of them done (when you see my reviews, you'll know why it took me an age). If you would rather shorter comments to get things done quicker because you don't really care about what I have to say, please let me know! I don't want that to sound rude but I'd rather not waste my time and waste pears' time waiting for scores if it's not wanted. If they are wanted, I'm more than happy to continue doing them. Just reply to this post if you (personally) would rather a long or a short review and I'll keep that in mind for future rounds. @funnellegs@Gastrodonatella@RihsusChrist(ATG)@Glassmouth@beatinglikeadrum@Buyonce1814@Hug@Nait Phoenix@Pecinta Mariah@UFO@Speezy@Tsareena@mxtthewdelrey@SaintWest@FCKNAmbrosia@Cupid@Corsola@ceremonials@Auburn@ONIKACRAZY@OreGuy@Lane Boy@Lucky#17@8thPrince@DripDrip No, girl, we're not in a hurry, take your time, seriously you make my fave reviews so we can all wait
beatinglikeadrum Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Like if u have time do long reviews but if you're tired just write the most important things.
Buyonce1814 Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I'd love to hear what you have to say @Aurora so take your time if you need to but don't feel obliged to rush.
Galah Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Batch 1 1. @funnellegs - Read Your Mind [Psychic] The type/theme connection is there, albeit a little obvious, but there were some shortcomings. Firstly, the song didn’t really evoke any psychic imagery, which was the main focus of the challenge. Secondly, while this did read like a storytelling song but it didn’t ‘feel’ like a storytelling song. There weren’t any of those little details you look forward to in a storytelling song. Using Taylor’s “All Too Well” as an example, it’s littered with one-liners you wouldn’t find in any other song, such as “I left my scarf there at your sister’s house” or “dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light”. Comparatively, your song has a lot of open-ended, familiar concepts and ideas that could really apply to any two people, especially that first stanza. I think you tried to put more of yourself and your friend into it, which was nice to see, but it still didn’t reach that level I was hoping for. “Now my funny stories can’t even be told / like all the best memories you’re just too involved” was definitely a highlight of this song. The bridge was emotional but overall lacked impact due to the familiarity of the comparisons used. Overall it was nice entry, but not a particularly strong one. Suggestion(s): - Always make sure the challenge has been met. - Develop the uniqueness of your lyricism. 2. @Gastrodonatella - The Antivenom [Poison] I’m impressed you tried this week. Good job. This was almost a complete 180 from last week’s entry. I can definitely see where your poetry writing background has aided you, because this is essentially a poem. Your chorus is actually pretty strong, and connects to your type well, without it being overtly obvious. I like the image of their venomous hate entering your bloodstream and becoming self-hate. Sometimes, the rhymes are on the side of being too flat/uninteresting/familiar (old/told, friends/end, 8/weight etc.) that make the song feel a bit juvenile, whereas other times you throw in these random words (heartsore, malign, pique) which feel forced/unnatural and don’t fit the childlike vibe the song appears to be going for. However, you did get the balance right sometimes, “middle school/ridicule” was cute. Your lyric writing definitely needs some development, as a lot of it is sterile, but you have a good grasp on meter and flow which I personally think is harder to master. Suggestion(s): - Work on experimentation with rhyme schemes and song structures (pre-choruses really help to make a song feel more like a song). - Develop the uniqueness of your lyricism. 3. @RihsusChrist(ATG) - Coconut [Water] This was an interesting read. You successfully completed the challenge in that the song was definitely water imagery-based, but the lyrics are not impressive. This is something a lot of people in the early rounds don’t recognise, the lyrics are always the most important part. Each lyric, or at least each couplet, should be able to stand alone and be interesting to read. “Going to the beach” does not do this, neither does, “Looking for some fun” etc. This could have the hottest tropical house/dancehall beat and it still wouldn’t make it a success in this style of competition. I say this because I think there’s potential here, I think it’s just a matter of prioritizing style over substance, when it should be the other way around. Suggestion(s): - Develop the uniqueness of your lyricism, and make that the key focus of your song. - Try a more traditional song structure (i.e. labelled verses, prechorus, chorus etc.) and really master that style of songwriting. 4. @Glassmouth - Icarus [Flying] From the get-go, the initial verse lyrics were so long and it was difficult to establish a sense of rhythm because of that. Especially when working with longer lyrics, it’s really important to make sure that the meter is tight. Something that’s usually suggested to help with this is to sound out the words and to count the syllables in each line. If there doesn’t appear to be some kind of pattern there, it’s probably going to be hard to pick up a sense of rhythm (for example, your first verse has a syllable pattern of 18-16-14-14, making the first and second lyrics too wordy). I do like the contrast between the longer verses and the short chorus, though, and the post-chorus was a nice addition. But in future, please label your songs! It really helps us out. I was reading along thinking it was the chorus and then I got to the repeated part and realised I was just reading the second verse. Your song embodied flying imagery, there’s no doubt about that. Lyrically, the song was just there for me. There wasn’t anything bad but there wasn’t anything unique or memorable either. Suggestion(s): - Tighten up your meter, counting syllables and paying attention to how the syllables within words are naturally stressed or unstressed can really help the flow of the song. - Develop the uniqueness of your lyricism. 5. @beatinglikeadrum - Heaven For You, Hell For Me [Dark] Firstly, nice handwriting! I like that you approached the challenge with two different angles, you went the thematic route by writing a dark song about death, but you also made sure to include some dark imagery. Your song structure is good and while the concept may have been simple, I think you handled it well. There are, admittedly, some problems with the word choices or the phrasing of certain lyrics which I can only put down to a language barrier (you are Polish, yes?) but I can look past those things because the intent is what matters most. I think you brought some clever ways of expressing grief and rage and all of those emotions that come with loss. Suggestion(s): - Find a writing partner to help proof-read everything before you submit to fix up anything that isn’t perfect English, it’s not essential but I think it would really help. 6. @Buyonce1814 - Garden of Eden [Fairy] At least somebody’s here to represent #TeamThesaurus this season. Firstly, I do question whether this meets the challenge… angels and fairies are not exactly one and the same. But, the imagery of a humanlike figure flying is still there, so I guess it kind of works? That aside, I really liked the song. There were a few… questionable grammar mistakes in the first verse (“ate” should be “eaten”, “me and you” should be “you and I”) which made the song seem rushed at first, but thankfully that was the extent of that. I’m not sure if it’s borrowed from something else but “poke holes” was a weird image for me and got the chorus off to a not-so-brilliant start, but every line after that is fantastic. The second verse is perfect. When I got to the bridge and the “be alright” lyric I thought to myself, “Ha, the Ariana promo” (jokingly) and then I realised what you’d done. Others might find this messy, I don’t know, but I thought it was pretty genius, and my favourite part of the whole song. The wordplay was great and you didn’t sacrifice meaning just to fit in a specific song title. Overall, there were highs and lows, but it ended on a very high note. I appreciate that someone was inspired by the tragic events last week, especially someone as close to it as you are. Suggestion(s): - Put down the thesaurus and pick up a grammar textbook! 7. @Hug - Candle [Fire] I liked this entry a lot, but I didn’t adore it, and here’s why. Obviously you’ve got all the technical aspects down, that’s not something we have to worry about in a Hug song. There’s something about creating a narrative that’s designed to evoke deep emotion, which isn’t based in truth, which will never sit right with me. Now, I do think you handled the song tastefully, you did more showing than telling, left enough clues for us to connect the dots ourselves etc. but in short, you’re still intending to ‘profit’ off the death of a child that doesn’t even exist. I know that’s not a very glamourous way to look at it, but… that’s essentially what’s going on here. Technically, it’s a brilliant song. I didn’t really like the “happy birthday” lyric at first but once I realised you were setting up for the next stanza and refrain, I didn’t have as much of a problem with it. I just don’t agree with the approach. In addition, while the refrain channelled that fire imagery and warmth, it was kind of lost in the verses, if anything it had the opposite connotations (cold, loneliness, sadness etc.) so it didn’t even really nail the brief for me. Suggestion(s): - Write from the heart, write from the soul, write about something or nothing at all, but don’t exploit a child’s death *just* to get a good score. - If I’m being extremely ignorant and your song is based in truth and you just didn’t feel the need to add a description, please let me know and I’ll happily re-review your song with an open mind. 8. @Nait Phoenix - All In Your Head [Dark] This was definitely an improvement over “Raven”, and it read to me like a true Nait Phoenix song. Again, like others who chose the “Dark” type, you didn’t just go for the a thematically dark song, which wouldn't have necessarily nailed the brief, you also included that dark imagery which was great to see. The intro was a nice setup. This was actually one of the rare PH songs I’ve seen where having additional text in parenthesis has worked quite well. The chorus is punchy but also strong, love the triplet rhyme schemes, and also starting off the first three lyrics with a similar sounding word (creeping/clawing/crawling), great technique there (“Clawing at the door” would be better though, perhaps?) The hook was a hook, nothing exceptionally good or bad about it. The second verse is great, the rap had some clever wordplay and the flow was consistent and apparent. (I believe the first “you” in the first lyric should be “you’re”, no?) The bridge was the weakest part of the song for me and honestly it didn’t need it, the rap would have done just fine in its place. Overall, an impressive entry and a highlight of the round so far. Suggestion(s): - Try to cut back on the repetition; a little is a literary device, a lot can come across as filler lyricism. 9. @Pecinta Mariah - So Broken (Song for Manchester) [Fighting] I think after such a big tragedy last week it was only natural to expect a few songs about it, and so far all of them have been handled tastefully, which is great to see. I’m not entirely sure ‘fighting’ is the best type for this song though, I guess you could say you are fighting for peace and equality, but that’s a thematic connection, it doesn’t evoke fighting imagery, and this was an imagery challenge. There were a few lyrics which were quite blunt (i.e. “you killed innocent child”, “you can burn our home and arena”) which perhaps would have been better if you alluded to them rather than just outright said them. “Can we together / co-existed?” I get what you’re saying but it’s not the right phrasing, “the long-last peace” is another example of this. Overall, the song does a good job at summing up the feelings I’m sure most of us are feeling, but objectively speaking, it falls a bit flat lyrically. Suggestion(s): - Develop the uniqueness of your lyricism. 10. @UFO - Let The Water Fall [Water] I already like the play on words in the title, yas. I read “stem” as “stream” at first and was ready to drag wooden branches style like “droplets can’t travel down a stream, they become part of the stream bitch” asdfghjkl; ANYWAY, I’m trying to think of a scenario where you’d willingly let poison drip into your mouth. It’s an odd image. “Rivers of movement,” what? With the chorus, the imagery I’m getting is you falling into the water, the water can’t really fall into you, but it can flow into you… I think you’re trying to make something work that just isn’t going to. Again, “hugging touch,” what? Just say hug, or find something else to fill the void. “Close to burst” should either be “close to bursting” or “about to burst”. “Unveiling” is extraneous, it makes it seem like the eyes are the attraction, not that they’re simply covered by your eyelids (or hands). Aside from that word choice, I thought the bridge was great and the highlight of your song. There’s no doubt you nailed the brief, I just think sometimes the messages of your songs tend to get lost amongst the abstract imagery, phasings and word choices. Suggestion(s): - Develop your language choices. The uniqueness of your lyricism is refreshing, but while at times you hit the nail on the head, other times you delve into abstract or nonsensical territory. Sometimes the most flashy synonym isn’t always what you’re looking for, and has a slightly different meaning or general connotation than the base word. 11. @Speezy - My Drink [Bug] Um… okay? This was refreshing (see what I did there?) and certainly the most unique take on a type thus far I’d say, so points for that. I didn’t really get into it though. Forgive my ignorance, I’m not really clued up on the effects of most drugs, but I know some make you feel like you have bugs crawling beneath your skin, so I’m just going to assume that’s what you going for. I still think the whole “seeing ants and hissing cockroaches” thing is a bit of a reach. The “maggots” lyric made me feel physically uncomfortable. “Is what did they lay in my drink?” why ‘lay’ and not ‘put’? There seemed to be a few articles (a, an, the) missing in lyrics throughout the song. Overall, I’m just confused. Were you drugged? Poisoned? Are you dead or alive? The whole ‘drug/bug’ ‘club/forest’ concept just seemed quite forced and unnatural if I’m honest. Suggestion(s): - Develop a clear concept and keep to it throughout, and don’t use central metaphors that are so far removed from the base concept that they lose their impact. 12. @Tsareena - Apparition [Ghost] A tight, yet again obvious, connection to the type from the get-go. I love the word “apparition” though, much better than “ghost”. I don’t think anyone’s used ‘hazy’ and ‘hazel’ together before in PH (or ‘hazy’ at all, without rhyming it with ‘crazy’), and I really enjoyed that lyric. “fell” should be “fallen”, though. Overall, I really like what you’ve done. I like the “two days” recurring motif, the progression in the song as the narrator realises what the apparition is doing to their life etc. Definitely some strong ghost imagery here. Suggestion(s): - Finesse your lyrical choices. This was a good entry but could have been even better with some alterations. A few adjectives and descriptors here and there can really make the imagery of a song pop. 13. @mxtthewdelrey - Floor Song [Dark] I… I kind of loved everything about this. The second complete 180 this round, I love it when there’s such a noticeable improvement between entries. This read and felt like a true song. “Dark” must be the type of the day, because all of you are nailing it so far. In fact, your chorus was actually oddly similar to Nait Phoenix’s in parts, but I’m sure that was just a coincidence. You embodied the feeling of darkness, eeriness, the strange etc. but also had that dark imagery of the house and night with creaky floorboards and moving curtains etc. Lyrically, you had plenty of good moments and interesting ways to word common feelings, which is exactly what I look for. (Side note, the notation of remem’bring wasn’t really necessary). Your meter was so tight and pleasant to read throughout, and really shone in the bridge. Suggestion(s): - Please keep writing songs like this! Not exactly like this, of course, we want to see diversity, but you’re clearly quite capable of writing a brilliant song with a more traditional song structure, and I’d love to see where else you can take this style before venturing back into that more experimental zone.
SaintWest Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 7 minutes ago, Aurora said: 2. @Gastrodonatella - The Antivenom [Poison] I’m impressed you tried this week. Good job. I SCREAMED
beatinglikeadrum Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 12 minutes ago, Aurora said: Batch 1 1. @funnellegs - Read Your Mind [Psychic] The type/theme connection is there, albeit a little obvious, but there were some shortcomings. Firstly, the song didn’t really evoke any psychic imagery, which was the main focus of the challenge. Secondly, while this did read like a storytelling song but it didn’t ‘feel’ like a storytelling song. There weren’t any of those little details you look forward to in a storytelling song. Using Taylor’s “All Too Well” as an example, it’s littered with one-liners you wouldn’t find in any other song, such as “I left my scarf there at your sister’s house” or “dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light”. Comparatively, your song has a lot of open-ended, familiar concepts and ideas that could really apply to any two people, especially that first stanza. I think you tried to put more of yourself and your friend into it, which was nice to see, but it still didn’t reach that level I was hoping for. “Now my funny stories can’t even be told / like all the best memories you’re just too involved” was definitely a highlight of this song. The bridge was emotional but overall lacked impact due to the familiarity of the comparisons used. Overall it was nice entry, but not a particularly strong one. Suggestion(s): - Always make sure the challenge has been met. - Develop the uniqueness of your lyricism. 2. @Gastrodonatella - The Antivenom [Poison] I’m impressed you tried this week. Good job. This was almost a complete 180 from last week’s entry. I can definitely see where your poetry writing background has aided you, because this is essentially a poem. Your chorus is actually pretty strong, and connects to your type well, without it being overtly obvious. I like the image of their venomous hate entering your bloodstream and becoming self-hate. Sometimes, the rhymes are on the side of being too flat/uninteresting/familiar (old/told, friends/end, 8/weight etc.) that make the song feel a bit juvenile, whereas other times you throw in these random words (heartsore, malign, pique) which feel forced/unnatural and don’t fit the childlike vibe the song appears to be going for. However, you did get the balance right sometimes, “middle school/ridicule” was cute. Your lyric writing definitely needs some development, as a lot of it is sterile, but you have a good grasp on meter and flow which I personally think it harder to master. Suggestion(s): - Work on experimentation with rhyme schemes and song structures (pre-choruses really help to make a song feel more like a song). - Develop the uniqueness of your lyricism. 3. @RihsusChrist(ATG) - Coconut [Water] This was an interesting read. You successfully completed the challenge in that the song was definitely water imagery-based, but the lyrics are not impressive. This is something a lot of people in the early rounds don’t recognise, the lyrics are always the most important part. Each lyric, or at least each couplet, should be able to stand alone and be interesting to read. “Going to the beach” does not do this, neither does, “Looking for some fun” etc. This could have the hottest tropical house/dancehall beat and it still wouldn’t make it a success in this style of competition. I say this because I think there’s potential here, I think it’s just a matter of prioritizing style over substance, when it should be the other way around. Suggestion(s): - Develop the uniqueness of your lyricism, and make that the key focus of your song. - Try a more traditional song structure (i.e. labelled verses, prechorus, chorus etc.) and really master that style of songwriting. 4. @Glassmouth - Icarus [Flying] From the get-go, the initial verse lyrics were so long and it was difficult to establish a sense of rhythm because of that. Especially when working with longer lyrics, it’s really important to make sure that the meter is tight. Something that’s usually suggested to help with this is to sound out the words and to count the syllables in each line. If there doesn’t appear to be some kind of pattern there, it’s probably going to be hard to pick up a sense of rhythm (for example, your first verse has a syllable pattern of 18-16-14-14, making the first and second lyrics too wordy). I do like the contrast between the longer verses and the short chorus, though, and the post-chorus was a nice addition. But in future, please label your songs! It really helps us out. I was reading along thinking it was the chorus and then I got to the repeated part and realised I was just reading the second verse. Your song embodied flying imagery, there’s no doubt about that. Lyrically, the song was just there for me. There wasn’t anything bad but there wasn’t anything unique or memorable either. Suggestion(s): - Tighten up your meter, counting syllables and paying attention to how the syllables within words are naturally stressed or unstressed can really help the flow of the song. - Develop the uniqueness of your lyricism. 5. @beatinglikeadrum - Heaven For You, Hell For Me [Dark] Firstly, nice handwriting! I like that you approached the challenge with two different angles, you went the thematic route by writing a dark song about death, but you also made sure to include some dark imagery. Your song structure is good and while the concept may have been simple, I think you handled it well. There are, admittedly, some problems with the word choices or the phrasing of certain lyrics which I can only put down to a language barrier (you are Polish, yes?) but Ican look past those things because the intent is what matters most. I think you brought some clever ways of expressing grief and rage and all of those emotions that come with loss. Suggestion(s): - Find a writing partner to help proof-read everything before you submit to fix up anything that isn’t perfect English, it’s not essential but I think it would really help. 6. @Buyonce1814 - Garden of Eden [Fairy] At least somebody’s here to represent #TeamThesaurus this season. Firstly, I do question whether this meets the challenge… angels and fairies are not exactly one and the same. But, the imagery of a humanlike figure flying is still there, so I guess it kind of works? That aside, I really liked the song. There were a few… questionable grammar mistakes in the first verse (“ate” should be “eaten”, “me and you” should be “you and I”) which made the song seem rushed at first, but thankfully that was the extent of that. I’m not sure if it’s borrowed from something else but “pole holes” was a weird image for me and got the chorus off to a not-so-brilliant start, but every line after that is fantastic. The second verse is perfect. When I got to the bridge and the “be alright” lyric I thought to myself, “Ha, the Ariana promo” (jokingly) and then I realised what you’d done. Others might find this messy, I don’t know, but I thought it was pretty genius, and my favourite part of the whole song. The wordplay was great and you didn’t sacrifice meaning just to fit in a specific song title. Overall, there were highs and lows, but it ended on a very high note. I appreciate that someone was inspired by the tragic events last week, especially someone as close to it as you are. Suggestion(s): - Put down the thesaurus and pick up a grammar textbook! 7. @Hug - Candle [Fire] I liked this entry a lot, but I didn’t adore it, and here’s why. Obviously you’ve got all the technical aspects down, that’s not something we have to worry about in a Hug song. There’s something about creating a narrative that’s designed to evoke deep emotion, which isn’t based in truth, which will never sit right with me. Now, I do think you handled the song tastefully, you did more showing than telling, left enough clues for us to connect the dots ourselves etc. but in short, you’re still intending to ‘profit’ off the death of a child that doesn’t even exist. I know that’s not a very glamourous way to look at it, but… that’s essentially what’s going on here. Technically, it’s a brilliant song. I didn’t really like the “happy birthday” lyric at first but once I realised you were setting up for the next stanza and refrain, I didn’t have as much of a problem with it. I just don’t agree with the approach. In addition, while the refrain channelled that fire imagery and warmth, it was kind of lost in the verses, if anything it had the opposite connotations (cold, loneliness, sadness etc.) so it didn’t even really nail the brief for me. Suggestion(s): - Write from the heart, write from the soul, write about something or nothing at all, but don’t exploit a child’s death *just* to get a good score. - If I’m being extremely ignorant and your song is based in truth and you just didn’t feel the need to add a description, please let me know and I’ll happily re-review your song with an open mind. 8. @Nait Phoenix - All In Your Head [Dark] This was definitely an improvement over “Raven”, and it read to me like a true Nait Phoenix song. Again, like others who chose the “Dark” type, you didn’t just go for the a thematically dark song, which wouldn't have necessarily nailed the brief, you also included that dark imagery which was great to see. The intro was a nice setup. This was actually one of the rare PH songs I’ve seen where having additional text in parenthesis has worked quite well. The chorus is punchy but also strong, love the triplet rhyme schemes, and also starting off the first three lyrics with a similar sounding word (creeping/clawing/crawling), great technique there (“Clawing at the door” would be better though, perhaps?) The hook was a hook, nothing exceptionally good or bad about it. The second verse is great, the rap had some clever wordplay and the flow was consistent and apparent. (I believe the first “you” in the first lyric should be “you’re”, no?) The bridge was the weakest part of the song for me and honestly it didn’t need it, the rap would have done just fine in its place. Overall, an impressive entry and a highlight of the round so far. Suggestion(s): - Try to cut back on the repetition; a little is a literary device, a lot can come across as filler lyricism. 9. @Pecinta Mariah - So Broken (Song for Manchester) [Fighting] I think after such a big tragedy last week it was only natural to expect a few songs about it, and so far all of them have been handled tastefully, which is great to see. I’m not entirely sure ‘fighting’ is the best type for this song though, I guess you could say you are fighting for peace and equality, but that’s a thematic connection, it doesn’t evoke fighting imagery, and this was an imagery challenge. There were a few lyrics which were quite blunt (i.e. “you killed innocent child”, “you can burn our home and arena”) which perhaps would have been better if you alluded to them rather than just outright said them. “Can we together / co-existed?” I get what you’re saying but it’s not the right phrasing, “the long-last peace” is another example of this. Overall, the song does a good job at summing up the feelings I’m sure most of us are feeling, but objectively speaking, it falls a bit flat lyrically. Suggestion(s): - Develop the uniqueness of your lyricism. 10. @UFO - Let The Water Fall [Water] I already like the play on words in the title, yas. I read “stem” as “stream” at first and was ready to drag wooden branches style like “droplets can’t travel down a stream, they become part of the stream bitch” asdfghjkl; ANYWAY, I’m trying to think of a scenario where you’d willingly let poison drip into your mouth. It’s an odd image. “Rivers of movement,” what? With the chorus, the imagery I’m getting is you falling into the water, the water can’t really fall into you, but it can flow into you… I think you’re trying to make something work that just isn’t going to. Again, “hugging touch,” what? Just say hug, or find something else to fill the void. “Close to burst” should either be “close to bursting” or “about to burst”. “Unveiling” is extraneous, it makes it seem like the eyes are the attraction, not that they’re simply covered by your eyelids (or hands). Aside from that word choice, I thought the bridge was great and the highlight of your song. There’s no doubt you nailed the brief, I just think sometimes the messages of your songs tend to get lost amongst the abstract imagery, phasings and word choices. Suggestion(s): - Develop your language choices. The uniqueness of your lyricism is refreshing, but while at times you hit the nail on the head, other times you delve into abstract or nonsensical territory. Sometimes the most flashy synonym isn’t always what you’re looking for, and has a slightly different meaning or general connotation than the base word. 11. @Speezy - My Drink [Bug] Um… okay? This was refreshing (see what I did there?) and certainly the most unique take on a type thus far I’d say, so points for that. I didn’t really get into it though. Forgive my ignorance, I’m not really clued up on the effects of most drugs, but I know some make you feel like you have bugs crawling beneath your skin, so I’m just going to assume that’s what you going for. I still think the whole “seeing ants and hissing cockroaches” thing is a bit of a reach. The “maggots” lyric made me feel physically uncomfortable. “Is what did they lay in my drink?” why ‘lay’ and not ‘put’? There seemed to be a few articles (a, an, the) missing in lyrics throughout the song. Overall, I’m just confused. Were you drugged? Poisoned? Are you dead or alive? The whole ‘drug/bug’ ‘club/forest’ concept just seemed quite forced and unnatural if I’m honest. Suggestion(s): - Develop a clear concept and keep to it throughout, and don’t use central metaphors that are so far removed from the base concept that they lose their impact. 12. @Tsareena - Apparition [Ghost] A tight, yet again obvious, connection to the type from the get-go. I love the word “apparition” though, much better than “ghost”. I don’t think anyone’s used ‘hazy’ and ‘hazel’ together before in PH (or ‘hazy’ at all, without rhyming it with ‘crazy’), and I really enjoyed that lyric. “fell” should be “fallen”, though. Overall, I really like what you’ve done. I like the “two days” recurring motif, the progression in the song as the narrator realises what the apparition is doing to their life etc. Definitely some strong ghost imagery here. Suggestion(s): - Finesse your lyrical choices. This was a good entry but could have been even better with some alterations. A few adjectives and descriptors here and there can really make the imagery of a song pop. 13. @mxtthewdelrey - Floor Song [Dark] I… I kind of loved everything about this. The second complete 180 this round, I love it when there’s such a noticeable improvement between entries. This read and felt like a true song. “Dark” must be the type of the day, because all of you are nailing it so far. In fact, your chorus was actually oddly similar to Nait Phoenix’s in parts, but I’m sure that was just a coincidence. You embodied the feeling of darkness, eeriness, the strange etc. but also had that dark imagery of the house and night with creaky floorboards and moving curtains etc. Lyrically, you had plenty of good moments and interesting ways to word common feelings, which is exactly what I look for. (Side note, the notation of remem’bring wasn’t really necessary). Your meter was so tight and pleasant to read throughout, and really shone in the bridge. Suggestion(s): - Please keep writing songs like this! Not exactly like this, of course, we want to see diversity, but you’re clearly quite capable of writing a brilliant song with a more traditional song structure, and I’d love to see where else you can take this style before venturing back into that more experimental zone. Yeah, I am from Poland but I didn't know we can use writing partners this edition. I will try harder next time.
Lucky#17 Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 23 minutes ago, Aurora said: Sorry for the delay on my end. I had one solid good day to work on these and I got exactly half of them done (when you see my reviews, you'll know why it took me an age). If you would rather shorter comments to get things done quicker because you don't really care about what I have to say, please let me know! I don't want that to sound rude but I'd rather not waste my time and waste pears' time waiting for scores if it's not wanted. If they are wanted, I'm more than happy to continue doing them. Just reply to this post if you (personally) would rather a long or a short review and I'll keep that in mind for future rounds. @funnellegs@Gastrodonatella@RihsusChrist(ATG)@Glassmouth@beatinglikeadrum@Buyonce1814@Hug@Nait Phoenix@Pecinta Mariah@UFO@Speezy@Tsareena@mxtthewdelrey@SaintWest@FCKNAmbrosia@Cupid@Corsola@ceremonials@Auburn@ONIKACRAZY@OreGuy@Lane Boy@Lucky#17@8thPrince@DripDrip I like longer reviews! I have no problem waiting however long it takes for them. Thank you!
Speezy Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Thanks @Aurora yeah it was seemed to be drugged but the effects were kinda like hallucination
fountain Posted May 31, 2017 Author Posted May 31, 2017 6 minutes ago, beatinglikeadrum said: Yeah, I am from Poland but I didn't know we can use writing partners this edition. I will try harder next time. not a "partner" per se, he means just kinda ask somebody in the thread to swap songs or something and give each other feedback
Bandito Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 29 minutes ago, Aurora said: Sorry for the delay on my end. I had one solid good day to work on these and I got exactly half of them done (when you see my reviews, you'll know why it took me an age). If you would rather shorter comments to get things done quicker because you don't really care about what I have to say, please let me know! I don't want that to sound rude but I'd rather not waste my time and waste pears' time waiting for scores if it's not wanted. If they are wanted, I'm more than happy to continue doing them. Just reply to this post if you (personally) would rather a long or a short review and I'll keep that in mind for future rounds. @funnellegs@Gastrodonatella@RihsusChrist(ATG)@Glassmouth@beatinglikeadrum@Buyonce1814@Hug@Nait Phoenix@Pecinta Mariah@UFO@Speezy@Tsareena@mxtthewdelrey@SaintWest@FCKNAmbrosia@Cupid@Corsola@ceremonials@Auburn@ONIKACRAZY@OreGuy@Lane Boy@Lucky#17@8thPrince@DripDrip I'd prefer the long reviews please, they were really helpful!
beatinglikeadrum Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 And wow at @Aurora writing amazing reviews. Like literally on point.
beatinglikeadrum Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 1 minute ago, keshaspearsxo said: not a "partner" per se, he means just kinda ask somebody in the thread to swap songs or something and give each other feedback Well If I swept songs it would have been sabotage.
RihsusChrist(ATG) Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 1 hour ago, Temporal said: 3. Rihsuschrist(ATG) - Coconut“Ready to bust my coconut” alone made reading the entire entry worth it. - “Wanna feel the exotic” “exotic” isn’t a noun That was my favorite line too... 6 minutes ago, Aurora said: 3. @RihsusChrist(ATG) - Coconut [Water] This was an interesting read. You successfully completed the challenge in that the song was definitely water imagery-based, but the lyrics are not impressive. This is something a lot of people in the early rounds don’t recognise, the lyrics are always the most important part. Each lyric, or at least each couplet, should be able to stand alone and be interesting to read. “Going to the beach” does not do this, neither does, “Looking for some fun” etc. This could have the hottest tropical house/dancehall beat and it still wouldn’t make it a success in this style of competition. I say this because I think there’s potential here, I think it’s just a matter of prioritizing style over substance, when it should be the other way around. Suggestion(s): - Develop the uniqueness of your lyricism, and make that the key focus of your song. - Try a more traditional song structure (i.e. labelled verses, prechorus, chorus etc.) and really master that style of songwriting. I think that is my problem...I think of what would sound good on the radio, and not how its lyrically developed or structured. I just don't want it to get into "poem" territory...but ill try ya advice next time.
RihsusChrist(ATG) Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 39 minutes ago, Aurora said: Sorry for the delay on my end. I had one solid good day to work on these and I got exactly half of them done (when you see my reviews, you'll know why it took me an age). If you would rather shorter comments to get things done quicker because you don't really care about what I have to say, please let me know! I don't want that to sound rude but I'd rather not waste my time and waste pears' time waiting for scores if it's not wanted. If they are wanted, I'm more than happy to continue doing them. Just reply to this post if you (personally) would rather a long or a short review and I'll keep that in mind for future rounds. @funnellegs@Gastrodonatella@RihsusChrist(ATG)@Glassmouth@beatinglikeadrum@Buyonce1814@Hug@Nait Phoenix@Pecinta Mariah@UFO@Speezy@Tsareena@mxtthewdelrey@SaintWest@FCKNAmbrosia@Cupid@Corsola@ceremonials@Auburn@ONIKACRAZY@OreGuy@Lane Boy@Lucky#17@8thPrince@DripDrip I like the longer "in depth" reviews, personally. It is much appreciated.
UFO Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) @Aurora From a leaf, water droplets travelled down the stem Then they dripped into my mouth like I'd been poisoned it's not actual poison sis. It's LIKE poison. The entire song is basically one huge sexual innuendo of someone accepting sexuality. Water = sexuality. My Hummingbird Heartbeat nnnn it starts off with water droplets and then in the bridge it turns into Now we delve deeper and deeper like two oceans together also in the final chorus And I let the water fall into me turns into And I let the water fall, fall into me. It's a reversal of power because now both of them are oceans but having said that, I do tend to use fanciful and outlandish, abstract imagery which is why I don't really like rounds that are imagery-focused. But I definitely see where you're coming from! I really need to work on how to keep a balance when it comes to my more outlandish imagery. Its one of my major weaknesses, so I'm glad you pointed that out. I have a bad habit of wanting to confuse the judges and see how y'all interpret my songs NNNN so I kind of write vaguely sometimes to see what y'all will say, that's why many of my lyrics usually have several meanings NNN e.g Rivers of movement glisten in my eyes this could either mean: the person's own excitement, or the person seeing the movements of their lover I know. It's kind of complicated Basically, I write a metaphor and I write a metaphor of that metaphor which is then used to represent my message which is done through an extended metaphor and then is written in water imagery. That is basically how I wrote my song this round Ffffffffffffff why do I over complicate things for my self nnnnn I tend not to be explicit with my songs because it's fun for me when y'all decipher the meaning of my songs. I LOOOOVE complex wordplay Which is basically a bad thing, I'm basically self-sabotaging at this point nnnnn I need to stop doing that because the messages in my songs never get executed properly anyways thank you! And I prefer LONGER reviews. They help me out a lot more tbh Edited May 31, 2017 by UFO
Hug Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I would just like the record to show that the child could've been kidnapped! I never expressly stated that they died! Also, we've had plenty of death songs in this game before Whatever, though, I just thought it would be an even worse song if the child WAS okay at the end.
UFO Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Omg I'm such an extra bish. Sorry g0rls, I didn't realised I just typed an essay
UFO Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) Also @keshaspearsxo I tried to make the chorus have more of a climax this time! So I hope you noticed that! Edited May 31, 2017 by UFO
fountain Posted May 31, 2017 Author Posted May 31, 2017 1 minute ago, UFO said: Also @keshaspearsxo I tried to make the chorus have more of a climax this time! So I hope you noticed that! don't @ me
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