FCKNAmbrosia Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 So my "dual" song is titled King of the Weekends/ Good Mourning but I don't know if I'll finish the second part...
FCKNAmbrosia Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Instead of greeting my morning You gave me a good mourning
UFO Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 14 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: at least you have one Nnnn just keep writing tbh, inspiration always hits you at the most random times! Many of my better songs have been written like an hour before the deadline
UFO Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 2 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: oh no this wasnt about me she knows who she is Fffffff shady
ceremonials Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Well the moon controls the tide, that was the point I was trying to make. I thought it was kinda obvious with the outro but I guess not
FCKNAmbrosia Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Almost 700 words... May the judges have patience
ceremonials Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 It's not like I threw that imagery last minute to be "pretty", it was an integral part of the song
Cupid Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 8 hours ago, Aurora said: What is a ‘Cupid’ song? That’s probably the question I have to ask my artpop could mean anything but just to clarify, are you looking for me to stick to a particular style, or should I branch out and do something different, what exactly am I missing that defines my signature style?
Lucky#17 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Thanks for the review! @Aurora I'll definitely keep those pointers in mind this round and moving forward.
SaintWest Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 (edited) 10 hours ago, Aurora said: 14. @SaintWest - Ship [Water] Okay, I honestly liked this entry, but there were definitely things that I didn’t like about it. The “O captain! My captain!” thing was a really odd motif to have, I found. It detracted from the vibe you were going for, I felt, and made it seem more like a sea shanty than the water imagery-laden song. “Do gently apart” was this meant to be just “Do gently part”? Either way, rhyming apart with apart/part wasn’t cute. The prints in the sand was straight out of Sia’s “Footprints”, and it felt a little disjointed from the out-to-sea imagery. “I kept...to keep” in the same lyric, watch things like that. “But you won me over so I let you stay” feels clunky. “Before I drowned amidst” again, is this supposed to be “drown”? Keeping consistent with your tenses is crucial. The bridge didn’t really serve a purpose, it didn’t bring anything new to the table. The outro was really nice, though. Suggestion(s): - You’ve got a good understanding of a lot of core elements that we look for, so I think the next step for you is vibe and progression. Make sure the vibe of the song stays consistent, yet the story or message you’re conveying progresses from verse to verse to bridge, or whatever structure you use. - Check your tenses. Thank you sis. The only thing I don't get is the Sia comparison. I stan for ha, but the lyric you're referencing in Footprints is "I saw two footprints in the sand/Thought you'd abandoned me and let go of my hand" and my lyric is "The way that my feet left prints in the sand/Is the way I felt when you held my hand." The literal only similarity is sand/hand rhyme, which is the most go-to rhyme ever. The lines have totally different meanings too. Edited June 3, 2017 by SaintWest
Aurora Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 9 minutes ago, SaintWest said: Thank you sis. The only thing I don't get is the Sia comparison. I stan for ha, but the lyric you're referencing in Footprints is "I saw two footprints in the sand/Thought you'd abandoned me and let go of my hand" and my lyric is "The way that my feet left prints in the sand/Is the way I felt when you held my hand." The literal only similarity is sand/hand rhyme, which is the most go-to rhyme ever. The lines have totally different meanings too. This was an imagery challenge, and putting focus on the imagery of footprints in the sand just took me straight to Sia's song. There may be similar lyrics in other songs, even Miley's Malibu for example, but they don't use that specific imagery. And if you've identified a rhyme as common, perhaps that's a problem in itself? Either way, it wasn't a big deal; it didn't detract from your score or anything. I just wanted to point it out because I felt like I could see that influence coming through, but I guess that wasn't exactly the case.
SaintWest Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 3 minutes ago, Aurora said: This was an imagery challenge, and putting focus on the imagery of footprints in the sand just took me straight to Sia's song. There may be similar lyrics in other songs, even Miley's Malibu for example, but they don't use that specific imagery. And if you've identified a rhyme as common, perhaps that's a problem in itself? Either way, it wasn't a big deal; it didn't detract from your score or anything. I just wanted to point it out because I felt like I could see that influence coming through, but I guess that wasn't exactly the case. Thanks. Yeah when I'm writing for DH I never come from a place of feeling inspired by Sia because I think that's a totally different type of songwriting style.
FCKNAmbrosia Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 The judges when "King of the Weekends" chorus kicks in The judges during the intermission The judges when "Good Mourning" starts
SaintWest Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 10 minutes ago, FCKNAmbrosia said: The judges when "King of the Weekends" chorus kicks in The judges during the intermission The judges when "Good Mourning" starts The judges when they realize it's almost over.
mxtthewdelrey Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 CLICK THE IMAGE TO SIGN UP FOR THE NEWEST AND BEST ATRL GAME
ceremonials Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 19 minutes ago, mxtthewdelrey said: CLICK THE IMAGE TO SIGN UP FOR THE NEWEST AND BEST ATRL GAME What is it the artpop title
mxtthewdelrey Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Just now, ceremonials said: What is it the artpop title People must submit pictures and the winner wins!
ceremonials Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 8 minutes ago, mxtthewdelrey said: People must submit pictures and the winner wins! Slay
SaintWest Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Hello friends, it's me, SaintWest. @Gastrodonatella and I are really going on a journey right now in the DMs. Please keep us in your prayers. Thank you.
Aurora Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 6 hours ago, Cupid said: my artpop could mean anything but just to clarify, are you looking for me to stick to a particular style, or should I branch out and do something different, what exactly am I missing that defines my signature style? Sorry, I completely missed this before. I guess what I'm trying to say is it felt a bit too impersonal. I know that's probably just a side effect of you writing about something that happened to someone else, rather than writing about something that happened to you personally, but it still would have been nice if the song had a bit more character. It's not something I can really explain because it has to come from you. It's a vibe thing. I know this probably doesn't help you, but it's not really something that can be taught. I'm just looking for more of you in your songs. I don't want to use the word robotic, but that's sort of the vibe I got from the song. It was like there was a disconnect between you and the lyrics, some kind of filter. I still gave you a very good score. It's just that personal element, be it vulnerability, strength, personal voice, opinion etc. whatever comes from you. I feel like if you had shown more of your own emotions relating to this tragedy, it would have definitely elevated the entry. 4 hours ago, ceremonials said: Can you elaborate on mine a bit too @Aurora I'm not really sure what more I can elaborate on? I thought your song was adequate but it didn't commit to your chosen type of imagery (water) enough for it to be a definite pass for the challenge brief in my opinion. Just because you call a song "Currents" doesn't make it a water-imagery based song when the bulk of your verses and chorus put the emphasis on the moon, ledges, throwing pebbles, the sun... you're essentially covering every element but water. Your setting may be an ocean but when you mention moonlight, what the reader is seeing in their head changes. The imagery changes. You're drawing the focus off of the water imagery and onto the darkness of the sky, the smoothness of the pebble, the warmth of the sun etc. which is fine when used sporadically, but when the only link to your chosen imagery in the entire second verse is the word "ocean", that's a problem. If this was an elements challenge or a free zone challenge etc. I would have scored it higher. I still would have mentioned the moon imagery however because I think it's both overdone and inaccurate.
ONIKACRAZY Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 Just submitted my entry I was really confident in it but then I realised some of my rhyming may be slightly basic Hopefully the concept and content makes up for it!
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