fountain Posted May 30, 2017 Author Posted May 30, 2017 4 minutes ago, Cupid said: Pre or post op ill send u a amazon dildo instead?
fountain Posted May 30, 2017 Author Posted May 30, 2017 @Temporal r u dumb do u know nothing about the @ feature
Temporal Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 Just now, keshaspearsxo said: @Temporal r u dumb do u know nothing about the @ feature I don't want the contestants to read my reviews :(
Temporal Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 1 minute ago, Temporal said: Temporal's Bitch Ass Reviews 1. Funnellegs - Read Your Mind When I read the title I kind of mentally rolled my eyes at how predictable it was for a Psychic song, but I think you gave it an interesting twist/application. My biggest issue by FAR was that the song read far too colloquially, more like a text message or conversation than a song. Breaking down the lines into smaller chunks is what is going to remedy that (@ceremonials struggled with this for eons so he may be someone to talk to ). - “only time reality hits is when I sing this song” This is more of a personal quirk but I HATE when singers/writers break the fourth wall like this - I loved the sentiment of the second stanza, but it's as quite wordy and would really benefit from being trimmed down. - “but I know what I’m looking for, just something like closure.” an example of a colloquialism - The sentiment and emotional charge of the bridge was huge BUT there were way too may clichés for each lyrical punch to land. 2. Gastrodonatella - the Antivenom I appreciate you being so open with your subject matter, but on the practical side, your style is too blunt and specific. It was SO intense it was almost uncomfortable to read; It’s like choosing to say someone “passed away” rather than “died”, one is FAR less brutal than the other. I could never imagine listening to this as a real song, (and like Funnel’s entry) the prose didn’t read lyrically at all. There is a much better way to depict your experiences without being so melodramatic and (at times) conversational than the way you choose. - The chorus got closest to a lyrical style while the first verses were definitely the clunkiest sections. 3. Rihsuschrist(ATG) - Coconut “Ready to bust my coconut” alone made reading the entire entry worth it. - “Wanna feel the exotic” “exotic” isn’t a noun! 4. Glassmouth - Icarus This seems to be a recurring issue with a lot of writers (especially PH beginners), but your lines should not read like novels. Each individual line should not have really more than, let’s just arbitrarily say, 12 syllables. When you start writing lines longer than that they lose that lyrical quality that makes a lyric… a lyric, and not a monolog. Case in point: “But I wanna try the breeze that comes in the highest high just once more”. Other lines were just as long, but you could’ve stylized them to be shorter, i.e. instead of using commas break it into a totally different line. As for the song itself, beyond that one issue, I think the “Icarus” metaphor is, unfortunately, a bit overdone in this game, and you didn’t bring any ingenuity to reinvent it, and the song overall was quite repetitive. - “All in the air that surrounds tastes like numb drugs and I don’t” surrounds needs and object and I wouldn’t describe drugs as “numb” - “I shouldn’t fly near to the sun” I would say “close” as opposed to “near”, it just has a better ring, though I know it does drift more towards a cliché. 5. Beatinglikeadrum - Heaven For You, Hell For Me Never had an entry submitted like this before Some of the words got cut off on each side though Similar to Glassmouth’s entry, this read more like a monolog to me, mostly because there wasn’t a rhyme scheme (if there was, it was pretty impossible to follow). As a whole, this also felt mundane, the bridge (the section starting with “sometimes”) was really cliché and didn’t put any new twists to lyrics we’ve heard so many times: “Maybe someday we’ll meet again… I wish I could turn back time”. You need to start thinking above surface level with your lyrics. 6. Buyonce1814 - Garden of Eden *Googles definitions for “Morose” and “Seraphim”* MARIAH, CHILL. I really liked the imagery (and the artwork), but you still need to water down the vocabulary a biT more. It was better than last week and felt more fitting, however, it still is a bit jarring for me. - “Whilst” this isn’t Victorian England! Seriously though I can’t remember the last time I heard that word in a song, if ever. - “And we’ll moonwalk on the clouds like thunder” I think “moonwalk” would’ve been a great verb if the MJ implication didn’t completely ruin it. - “Since heaven stole the only sun I had” Yas 7. Hug - Candle Wasn’t expecting you to commit the monologue/slam poem sin, but PH always finds a way to surprise You don’t seem to like this song much given your shadey comment, and we both know this isn’t your best so I’ll be brief: after the first refrain, the song became super predictable, like it was almost not worth reading. I think the fire connection was a bit eh, and there were no standout lyrics either. 8. Nait Phoenix - All In Your Head Are you going for a cohesive EP thing this season too, with the dream thing? Anyways this was a pretty solid entry, I loved the flow and pace of it, it felt very songlike, and it matched the theme well. My complaint, however, is that the song only read at surface level: this was the easiest approach to the dark type both in terms of imagery and theme. - The rap was… whack - “Head/Dread” was a disappointing rhyme given that the rest of the songs flow was so in the pocket. 9. Pecinta Mariah - So Broken (Song for Manchester) I think the song was interesting as I could your thought process behind it, as if you were processing and grieving the attack was unfolding as you wrote the song. I think the main issues were that 1) there were missing words here and there that made this read at times like broken English, and 2) this did feel quite simple overall, you ended up needing to write the last line of the bridge all in caps to get your point across, when even then the emotional punch still felt a bit underdeveloped. I think writing a song like this so close to the event made it hard to process and execute perfectly. - “You killed innocent child” “an innocent child” perhaps? - Going directly from “but our spirit will never die” to “I feel so broken” was really jarring. If you wanted to portray strength and heartbreak you should’ve done it with one emotion through the other, not both operating separately, if that makes sense. 10. UFO - Let the Water Fall In all honesty, I’m not sure what to make of this entry. I read the entire song as a sexual innuendo and it made sense, however, I think the difference between how pretty the imagery is and how it reads literally is so entirely different from the sexual context, the two potential readings were like reading Mariah ballad and then a Cupcakke banger. I suppose having that versatility is a good thing, in the end, however, the lyrics at times just read as gross and clunky, not sexy or even ironic. - “So I untighten, let you flow inside” god help me 11. Speezy - My Drink Well, you definitely nailed the grossness of the Bug type down, which wasn’t something I expected. I think your concept was definitely interesting, especially through the lens of the Bug type, but I think the song overall was too campy. - “Feels like maggots are digging into the flesh below my skin” this was tew much - The flow of the piece as a whole was really clunky. 12. Tsareena - Apparition Hm, I think this was a good entry, but I was often distracted or thrown off by how the piece progressed. A lot of the lyrics didn’t make sense to me, so I’m wondering if you wrote what sounded nice and thought about what the lyrics could mean as an after thought? That’s not a read, it’s something I used to do so I can understand why it would be appealing. Anyways, the story that you were trying to tell was missing a lot of components for me. - “Colors gone but shades of purple / Life is worse must be your curse” Why purple? the rhyme was also a bit gross. bump
Cupid Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 Oh is this like the first time ever I'm in batch 2, shook
SaintWest Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 The peace in knowing your song wasn't as bad as Film Noir or Bulletproof so you're not even scared for rihviews.
fountain Posted May 30, 2017 Author Posted May 30, 2017 4 minutes ago, Temporal said: Temporal's Bitch Ass Reviews 1. @funnellegs - Read Your Mind When I read the title I kind of mentally rolled my eyes at how predictable it was for a Psychic song, but I think you gave it an interesting twist/application. My biggest issue by FAR was that the song read far too colloquially, more like a text message or conversation than a song. Breaking down the lines into smaller chunks is what is going to remedy that (@ceremonials struggled with this for eons so he may be someone to talk to ). - “only time reality hits is when I sing this song” This is more of a personal quirk but I HATE when singers/writers break the fourth wall like this - I loved the sentiment of the second stanza, but it's as quite wordy and would really benefit from being trimmed down. - “but I know what I’m looking for, just something like closure.” an example of a colloquialism - The sentiment and emotional charge of the bridge was huge BUT there were way too may clichés for each lyrical punch to land. 2. @Gastrodonatella - the Antivenom I appreciate you being so open with your subject matter, but on the practical side, your style is too blunt and specific. It was SO intense it was almost uncomfortable to read; It’s like choosing to say someone “passed away” rather than “died”, one is FAR less brutal than the other. I could never imagine listening to this as a real song, (and like Funnel’s entry) the prose didn’t read lyrically at all. There is a much better way to depict your experiences without being so melodramatic and (at times) conversational than the way you choose. - The chorus got closest to a lyrical style while the first verses were definitely the clunkiest sections. 3. @RihsusChrist(ATG) - Coconut “Ready to bust my coconut” alone made reading the entire entry worth it. - “Wanna feel the exotic” “exotic” isn’t a noun! 4. @Glassmouth - Icarus This seems to be a recurring issue with a lot of writers (especially PH beginners), but your lines should not read like novels. Each individual line should not have really more than, let’s just arbitrarily say, 12 syllables. When you start writing lines longer than that they lose that lyrical quality that makes a lyric… a lyric, and not a monolog. Case in point: “But I wanna try the breeze that comes in the highest high just once more”. Other lines were just as long, but you could’ve stylized them to be shorter, i.e. instead of using commas break it into a totally different line. As for the song itself, beyond that one issue, I think the “Icarus” metaphor is, unfortunately, a bit overdone in this game, and you didn’t bring any ingenuity to reinvent it, and the song overall was quite repetitive. - “All in the air that surrounds tastes like numb drugs and I don’t” surrounds needs and object and I wouldn’t describe drugs as “numb” - “I shouldn’t fly near to the sun” I would say “close” as opposed to “near”, it just has a better ring, though I know it does drift more towards a cliché. 5. @beatinglikeadrum - Heaven For You, Hell For Me Never had an entry submitted like this before Some of the words got cut off on each side though Similar to Glassmouth’s entry, this read more like a monolog to me, mostly because there wasn’t a rhyme scheme (if there was, it was pretty impossible to follow). As a whole, this also felt mundane, the bridge (the section starting with “sometimes”) was really cliché and didn’t put any new twists to lyrics we’ve heard so many times: “Maybe someday we’ll meet again… I wish I could turn back time”. You need to start thinking above surface level with your lyrics. 6. @Buyonce1814 - Garden of Eden *Googles definitions for “Morose” and “Seraphim”* MARIAH, CHILL. I really liked the imagery (and the artwork), but you still need to water down the vocabulary a biT more. It was better than last week and felt more fitting, however, it still is a bit jarring for me. - “Whilst” this isn’t Victorian England! Seriously though I can’t remember the last time I heard that word in a song, if ever. - “And we’ll moonwalk on the clouds like thunder” I think “moonwalk” would’ve been a great verb if the MJ implication didn’t completely ruin it. - “Since heaven stole the only sun I had” Yas 7. @Hug - Candle Wasn’t expecting you to commit the monologue/slam poem sin, but PH always finds a way to surprise You don’t seem to like this song much given your shadey comment, and we both know this isn’t your best so I’ll be brief: after the first refrain, the song became super predictable, like it was almost not worth reading. I think the fire connection was a bit eh, and there were no standout lyrics either. 8. @Nait Phoenix - All In Your Head Are you going for a cohesive EP thing this season too, with the dream thing? Anyways this was a pretty solid entry, I loved the flow and pace of it, it felt very songlike, and it matched the theme well. My complaint, however, is that the song only read at surface level: this was the easiest approach to the dark type both in terms of imagery and theme. - The rap was… whack - “Head/Dread” was a disappointing rhyme given that the rest of the songs flow was so in the pocket. 9. @Pecinta Mariah - So Broken (Song for Manchester) I think the song was interesting as I could your thought process behind it, as if you were processing and grieving the attack was unfolding as you wrote the song. I think the main issues were that 1) there were missing words here and there that made this read at times like broken English, and 2) this did feel quite simple overall, you ended up needing to write the last line of the bridge all in caps to get your point across, when even then the emotional punch still felt a bit underdeveloped. I think writing a song like this so close to the event made it hard to process and execute perfectly. - “You killed innocent child” “an innocent child” perhaps? - Going directly from “but our spirit will never die” to “I feel so broken” was really jarring. If you wanted to portray strength and heartbreak you should’ve done it with one emotion through the other, not both operating separately, if that makes sense. 10. @UFO - Let the Water Fall In all honesty, I’m not sure what to make of this entry. I read the entire song as a sexual innuendo and it made sense, however, I think the difference between how pretty the imagery is and how it reads literally is so entirely different from the sexual context, the two potential readings were like reading Mariah ballad and then a Cupcakke banger. I suppose having that versatility is a good thing, in the end, however, the lyrics at times just read as gross and clunky, not sexy or even ironic. - “So I untighten, let you flow inside” god help me 11. @Speezy - My Drink Well, you definitely nailed the grossness of the Bug type down, which wasn’t something I expected. I think your concept was definitely interesting, especially through the lens of the Bug type, but I think the song overall was too campy. - “Feels like maggots are digging into the flesh below my skin” this was tew much - The flow of the piece as a whole was really clunky. 12. @Tsareena - Apparition Hm, I think this was a good entry, but I was often distracted or thrown off by how the piece progressed. A lot of the lyrics didn’t make sense to me, so I’m wondering if you wrote what sounded nice and thought about what the lyrics could mean as an after thought? That’s not a read, it’s something I used to do so I can understand why it would be appealing. Anyways, the story that you were trying to tell was missing a lot of components for me. - “Colors gone but shades of purple / Life is worse must be your curse” Why purple? the rhyme was also a bit gross. need ratings stop the flop
beatinglikeadrum Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 I love the drag. I actually live for it. Thanx.
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted May 30, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted May 30, 2017 Just now, Temporal said: 12. Tsareena - Apparition Hm, I think this was a good entry, but I was often distracted or thrown off by how the piece progressed. A lot of the lyrics didn’t make sense to me, so I’m wondering if you wrote what sounded nice and thought about what the lyrics could mean as an after thought? That’s not a read, it’s something I used to do so I can understand why it would be appealing. Anyways, the story that you were trying to tell was missing a lot of components for me. - “Colors gone but shades of purple / Life is worse must be your curse” Why purple? the rhyme was also a bit gross. . I actually came up with the plot first but I think I was chasing a rhyme for some of the messier lines tbh. and for the rest of the plot, it was hard to really put into song because it felt like a soap opera so I left it patchy so the listener would feel a little confused by the narrator. I associate purple with chaos... @Hug made a similar comment about that. Thanks for the review
Hug Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 10 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: like it was almost not worth reading End me. Not wrong though, it was almost not worth writing, but I powered through writer's block to get what I had. A bad entry is better than no entry, after all, and I didn't want to pull a pussypear bc I thought it'd be disrespectful to the other people in the Top 5. Although I do think I was kinda clever in revealing the child's age through the candles. An actual candle in the dark moment.
ughgabriel Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 Just a general comment before posting my reviews: I would've liked it if you commited a little more to your type, added some metaphors, imagery. I feel like most of you didn't really embody your type, so I hope you let yourselves try beyond on future round. This is a season to explore different sides of your songwriting after all, I hope you understand what I'm saying :/
beatinglikeadrum Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 4 minutes ago, Hug said: End me. Not wrong thouh, it was almost not worth writing, but I powered through writer's block to get what I had. A bad entry is better than no entry, after all, and I didn't want to pull a pussypear bc I thought it'd be disrespectful to the other people in the Top 5. And the bottom 5.
ceremonials Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 Just now, ughgabriel said: Just a general comment before posting my reviews: I would've liked it if you commited a little more to your type, added some metaphors, imagery. I feel like most of you didn't really embody your type, so I hope you let yourselves try beyond on future round. This is a season to explore different sides of your songwriting after all, I hope you understand what I'm saying :/ Did i papito
fountain Posted May 30, 2017 Author Posted May 30, 2017 8 minutes ago, Hug said: I didn't want to pull a pussypear bc I thought it'd be disrespectful drag @ceremonials disrespectful ass
Buyonce1814 Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 Nnnnn thanks for the review Temp! It's much appreciated and much better than I expected. I can't help the obscure words for my brain is just filled with knowledge .
ceremonials Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 https://www.dubtrack.fm/join/platinumhitlers The password is Pussypear if you haven't been there before
ceremonials Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 Just now, keshaspearsxo said: drag @ceremonials disrespectful ass Stop at least I did it in the first round
ceremonials Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 1 minute ago, Gastrodonatella said: why are you so hyped to see people yell at me Hyped to see people yell at me more like
Galah Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Sorry for the delay on my end. I had one solid good day to work on these and I got exactly half of them done (when you see my reviews, you'll know why it took me an age). If you would rather shorter comments to get things done quicker because you don't really care about what I have to say, please let me know! I don't want that to sound rude but I'd rather not waste my time and waste pears' time waiting for scores if it's not wanted. If they are wanted, I'm more than happy to continue doing them. Just reply to this post if you (personally) would rather a long or a short review and I'll keep that in mind for future rounds. @funnellegs@Gastrodonatella@RihsusChrist(ATG)@Glassmouth@beatinglikeadrum@Buyonce1814@Hug@Nait Phoenix@Pecinta Mariah@UFO@Speezy@Tsareena@mxtthewdelrey@SaintWest@FCKNAmbrosia@Cupid@Corsola@ceremonials@Auburn@ONIKACRAZY@OreGuy@Lane Boy@Lucky#17@8thPrince@DripDrip
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