RihsusChrist(ATG) Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 12 minutes ago, Hug said: It's great that you found a gif for the judges to use for your song when they read it, but I'm not a judge this season -- no need to share it with me! I knew that'd get a response
Hug Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 14 minutes ago, RihsusChrist(ATG) said: I knew that'd get a response Wow, I was effectively trolled and baited. Well played, madam. Anyway, looking forward to results!
ughgabriel Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 BATCH 2 @Speezy - Stars and Memories I really like your cover, it's very cinematic. Your song as a whole is nice too, it reminds me to Bruno's "When I was your man". The twinkle twinkle little star mention felt out of place because it feels like it's only there because it's reminiscent of stars, but I think it would've worked if it was like symbolic or a key point for the story. I don't know if you are a native english speaker or not but there were some grammar mistakes ("was" instead of were, "did" instead of done, etc.) so if you struggle with those parts, remember that the PH community is pretty big and you can always find a couple of members who could help you reading your song before sending it. Believe me, I was a ESL contestant and PH helped me to expand my english vocabulary so this is a great opportunity for you. I don't know what you meant by just stars and no moonlight, I mean, both light up the night, so I don't really see the difference between these two, or what is supposed to represent. I am a little curious about the sex and apologizing part. Why would she think you only wanted intercourse? What are you trying to apologize for? If you go a little deeper on these lyrics it could work in your favor for future entries! If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! @OreGuy - Curtain This entry was confusing to me. The metaphors weren't really consistent and the lines weren't cohesive either. I didn't feel a sense of connection between one sentence and the next one. :( At first I thought the song was about not doing things to please people, then I thought it was about breaking free from a manipulative relationship. I did like the language you used and the references to entertainment shows, but eveything was so metaphorical that I didn't understand what it was supposed to represent. If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! @Buyonce1814 - Revisitation I really like the metaphors and imagery you used throughout the song. It was very fitting. I loved that this was your first song of the season because it also feels like an introduction to something new. You're presenting us this scenario without giving too much away but at the same time leaving everything clear. Very clever move! Maybe instead of hands of time, you could've changed it to sands of time. It would've fitted the imagery better in my opinion. My only complain is that you were doing so well with the desert metaphors and the nazi one felt a little out of place. But everything else was pretty well! If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! @ONIKACRAZY - Lovesick I will take this as a fun song and well, it's okay. But it's nothing special or outstanding because you narrate the same part of the story but with different medical metaphors, so it feels a little unevent. Maybe if you would've done the song about the different stages of love as in the different stages of a disease it could've been more interesting because it makes the story more dynamic and more interesting by showing different facets. So I would recommend you try to deliver a story instead of using the whole song to describe a feeling, because at first the reader can connect to the song because they could be like "Oh, I've felt that too", but if you add nothing else to the song and just repeat the same thing, the song turns out to be a little monotonous. So your challenge is to elaborate a little more, speaking of the song's story. If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! @Lane Boy - Breakthrough I think this entry is very intriguing in a good way! Your storytelling is really good and just as Buyonce's entry I really feel this entry as an introduction. Because it's like the first story you're sharing with us but without giving much away, you leave the reader in the middle of mystery. I love that! You have so many things to work with as I see, I don't want to tell you what to write but I'm intrigued about what you wrote (f.e.: "when my parents were fighting", "many times from when i wanted to die", etc). You have a lot of things you can write about! Right now, you did the storytelling part really really well, I hope you can deliver on the imagery challenges too Keep this up! If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! @Tsareena - Nutty Butter Ok, this song felt like Cupcakke's Truffle Butter. I have to be honest. This made REALLY uncomfortable. ... I think that's why I loved it. That's what I look for in this kind of entries. I want them to be socially incorrect, over the top and well, clever. And the whole jelly, peanut butter, buns thing was a nice shtick for this song. The EDM drop and yawns weren't necessary, but I enjoyed this entry for what it is! Of course the chorus is very simple and could've been more elaborated, but the verses are really good If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! @Pecinta Mariah - An Imperfect Being This is really interesting and I like the title and cover a lot. But I would've liked a little more focus and depth on the titular line. I mean it's clear, that you're human and therefor imperfect, but the whole song talks about wanting this person, being devoted to them, feeling safe with them. So I would like to get to see what's the relation between this feeling and the thought of being imperfect. A connection between these two things would elevate the song for me. I don't mind short songs, but I think you could've used a bridge here because the song is only like 12 lines, without the repetition. I think the story was too short to feel any connection to it. So my advice would be to connect all the parts of the song so everything makes sense, because we don't see what goes through your head, we only see what you write, so make sure you manifest all your ideas into words. And maybe a longer song could work better for you! If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! @Witch Privilege - Overthinking I think the song started really nice, the verses were so refreshing in a way, because at first it seemed like you were talking about a person instead of this suffocating feeling. And I think you could've used that in your favor, to build this scenario throughout the whole song and then on the bridge PLOT TWIST, you reveal you're talking about the feeling. But you did that on the chorus instead, but you did it in a very straightforward and simple way, you kind of took the emotion of the reveal away because of it. The chorus is definitely the weakest part, because the verses are really nice and more elaborated! My advice for you would be to be a little more strategic when developing the story so the wow factor is placed where it needs to be for a better reaction from the reader. It's not a bad song at all, but you could've ordered things differently and could've worked better. @8thPrince - Capsize How I interpreted the song is that you were comparing falling in love with drowning and I thought it was beautifully written and a very non conventional way to describe it, and that made this entry very unique. I specially liked the "I'll give up and breathe you in" line because it represents, to me, how you finally stop trying to fight against the feeling and just let yourself be consumed by it. It's really charming. I will say though, since everything is so romantic and focused on falling in love, the first prechorus doesn't feel like it fits with the rest of the song. But aside of that I think everything else was really nice. Verse 1 is also slightly weaker than the rest of the song but it's nothing major. The song as a whole is really good! A very strong first entry! If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! @FCKNAmbrosia - Codes Okay, okay, okay! On this song you had a good flow, good meter, a nice rhyme scheme, but what I had a problem with, was that you used a lot of metaphors that weren't connected to each other: "quenched by your liquor", "my skin as your sheet", "your sweat will be the ink", "write down every code", etc. I mean you could've just sticked to one type of metaphors and everything would be more cohesive and would've elevated the song. It's one of the stronger entries this round, for me, but there are things that you need to polish so it can be considered great. I also want to know if the protagonist is moved by love or by lust, or is it in the middle? Like just a passional love? That's one doubt I had. I will say that "Inhale your breath as my hands try to encode / Your stretch marks into our letters of love" is one of my favorite couplets from this round! Nice job. If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! @RihsusChrist(ATG) - 1997 Wow, this was really nice! I really like the verses because they make me feel a lot of nostalgia and I can easily relate to it, so you had your work done there! Just remember that your chorus is supposed to be the central part of your song so you can't make it all repetitive and weaker than the verses because it's kind of the most important part of the song, and on this case, it was the weakest part of it :( On the prechorus you could have avoided the last line. So you did well this round, now you need to pay attention to every bit of your song, try to make all the parts of your song equally good, so a section doesn't read as weaker than the others. Just try to keep everything at a high level! If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! @ceremonials - Pussypear This was probably the most controversial entry this round because it talks about a lot of themes and it makes me question a lot of my choices in life. It's philosophical but at the same time very illuminating. I really like the minimalistic undertone you used throughout the whole song to express these feelings you've been hiding for a while. I liked the baroque touch you used on the second verse because it makes a lot of sense when you compare it to the wish of wanting to free your mind, this is why I love when you pay attention to detail, it makes the song feel like a piece of art even in its most tiny elements. I like the addition of religion in your song, the analogy of adam's apple to eve's (*****) pear is genius and deserves a lot of recognition from the feminist community, you finally took the oppressing apple out of its heteronormative reign to give women their own fruit. A pussypear. Your song is just as good as the fruit. What a delightful piece. Excellent job, keep this up! If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! Even though you don't need to ask, this song was perfect all the way around
ughgabriel Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Oop, I'm going to sleep now and I'll finish the rest tomorrow, good night guys
fountain Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 16 minutes ago, ughgabriel said: Oop, I'm going to sleep now and I'll finish the rest tomorrow, good night guys Buenas noches
fountain Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 I see Gabe agrees the line "Temporal is a bitch" was one of the best of the round
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted May 22, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted May 22, 2017 7 hours ago, Aurora said: 3. @Tsareena - Nutty Butter “Warning! Contains Peanuts” *YAWNS* I feel embarrassed saying this but I actually had to Google what a “thrussy” was and got taken to an article citing an ATRL member’s thread from last month as one of the origins of the word. ATRL its impact. Anyway. You didn’t have to censor sex, we’re all adults here. This entire thing is a mess and you know it, but I’m kinda living? cupcakKe if she lost her damn mind teas. *EDM drop* isn’t necessary for the beautiful lyricism you’ve provided us. The cover is a perfect fit. Thanks for the review.
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted May 22, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted May 22, 2017 56 minutes ago, ughgabriel said: @Tsareena - Nutty Butter Ok, this song felt like Cupcakke's Truffle Butter. I have to be honest. This made REALLY uncomfortable. ... I think that's why I loved it. That's what I look for in this kind of entries. I want them to be socially incorrect, over the top and well, clever. And the whole jelly, peanut butter, buns thing was a nice shtick for this song. The EDM drop and yawns weren't necessary, but I enjoyed this entry for what it is! Of course the chorus is very simple and could've been more elaborated, but the verses are really good If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! sorry I made you uncomfortable. Thanks for the review
Pecinta Mariah Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 I'm kinda surprised you guys liked my cover. I was like in a "****-it" situation and looked for a pic in my library and edited it in under 5 minutes. Anyway, thanks @ughgabrielfor your criticism
Galah Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Batch 2 15. @Witch Privilege - Overthinking What I love about this entry is that it’s conceptually one of the best entries of the round. That aura of mystery, the desire to find out who you’re running from, and then you get the satisfaction of finding out. So conceptually, you’ve got it down. Your next hurdle is going to be taking that concept and finding the best ways to conceptualise it. This is a good entry, but it could be even better. I’m going to be specific because I see real potential here. “Like the ocean’s horizon at night” is a good idea, but there’s better ways to word it. “You’re the darkest of horizons / even the ocean tries to hide from” is an idea. Really play up that imagery, but tap into metaphors as well as similes, emphasise with adjectives, think of clever rhymes/plays on words etc. Basically make sure every lyric/couplet has an interesting and unique purpose. That said, I did really enjoy this entry, and the cover was a strong relation to the song. 16. @8thPrince - Capsize Frenship and Emily Warren want their coins, thank you. *goes on tangent about how you technically can’t be blinded by a temperature* Look, you know what you’re doing and you don’t need me to tell you about technicalities, let’s face it. I can also see why you had a Teenage Dream like era last season if you were serving quality like this (I believe I only saw a couple of your songs; frown). Your writing style is fearless and clever, you take risks where you can afford to yet always come back to these beautifully crafted poetic-without-reading-like-poetry couplets and choruses you just know are going to be adored. The “cover” is also exactly what I expected of this challenge, just a simple picture used for inspiration, nothing too fancy resized to a square with a username attached. I really hope you’re able to stick around until the end of this season, because I want to keep reading songs like this. 17. @FCKNAmbrosia - Codes Interesting cover, first of all. I think there’s honestly a lot to like about this entry. The subject matter isn’t necessarily something I like if I’m honest but being unbiased, technically, you’ve done a good job here, for the most part. There are some lyrics that could use revision, “stun my brain”, “stretch marks”, “Been in drainage” etc. just don’t work for me. You definitely painted a clear scenario though and you’ve gotten quite creative with a lot of the lyrics which is great to see. There’s nothing cliche about this, which is often the case with sex songs. I would definitely suggest a different subject matter next week, as I’d like to see how your creative lyricism can be applied to something I’d actually enjoy reading. The cover relates to the song in a good way too. 18. @RihsusChrist(ATG) - 1997 This was actually quite nice. Nostalgia songs always seem to do quite well, I mean it’s that feeling of better days that everyone can relate to in some way, shape or form and relatability is always an important aspect to win someone over. Even if there are technical flaws, if something moves someone or connects with someone, they’re more willing to overlook those things if they’re minor. That said, there were some major issues with your chorus. I know you did not just rhyme “1997” with “heaven” and then back to “seven” again, sis. I was expecting a “7/11” to pop up at any moment. Thankfully you realised your error of your ways and created a second chorus, which is so much better than the first (even if “aggressing” felt unnatural and forced). The amount of repetition of “I wanna go back to 1997” was also a couple times too much, it would have been better if you’d just repeated it twice instead of four times. The verses however, especially the third one, were great. The cover was a nice relation to the concept of the song. 19. @ceremonials - Pussypear Writer’s block, huh? You could have just sucked my dick and I would have ghostwritten a song for you and given you a 10, oh well. 20. @UFO - Two Strangers Another perfect cover, loves it. This was really, really good! Probably my favourite song I’ve ever seen from you in all honesty. There was nothing extra or unnecessary about it (no wooden branches this time), everything has purpose, everything flowed. You moved me with the “That first day we met I wore a blue dress / Now it’s all I wear, now it’s all I can wear” couplet, just stunning. I’m kind of extremely shook right now. I kind of don’t have anything negative to say. Cover is a perfect association, too. 21. @SaintWest - House Lights A good correlation between song and cover, I can see the inspiration coming through clearly. I like this, but it doesn’t quite feel finished. It feels like it’s missing a bridge still, that’s all. Or at least an outro. From what you do have, it was enjoyable. The second verse was definitely the highlight for me, some really great lyricism there, especially in the second half. I feel like your next step is to spend more time expanding on ideas, use prechoruses to connect the verses to the choruses with stronger links and to break up the structure a little bit instead of just stanza of 4, stanza of 4, stanza of 4 etc. get really creative with the structure. You can’t get eliminated, so this is the time to go for broke. See what works and what doesn’t etc. This is good, but I want to see great from you, and I know you can deliver it. 22. @funnellegs - No Sanctuary From Us Unrelated to the song or cover, but I hope you’re doing alright. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have a falling out with someone you’ve known for so long. I can imagine it must have been someone pretty major. As for the song, “Shape of you”, Ed Sheeran will see you in court! But seriously, this was definitely a solid entry. Given your brief description, I was expecting you to open up a bit more than you did, if I’m honest. Perhaps it was just your artistic decision to be vague, or perhaps you’re not comfortable sharing the details with some strangers online, which is fine, but if you do plan to continue writing about this broken bond, which I think is a great idea, I’d definitely like to see and feel more. This is nice, there’s some good lyrics and ideas and images, but there’s also some overplayed ones in there too, and I think it would have been a lot stronger if those overplayed/familiar ideas had been replaced with more of the details of what happened. Overall, it’s still a nice submission. The cover, I’m a little perplexed as to how it relates to the song as it seems it was more something that helped you write it rather than something that can be observed in the lyrics, but I’ll just have to take your word for it on that. 23. @EmojiClothes - 770 Not you using a picture of your ex, a mess. Zero ****s given, I love that. I kind of loved this in a way I feel like I shouldn’t. From a technical standpoint, the “nose/clothes” lyric is a mess, but I find it really endearing. It kind of feels like something P!nk would sing, actually. Not “Grindr belt”, amazing. I think overall, despite its flaws, there’s definitely the bones of a good song here. The rhymes are set up and places nicely, the meter is tight, it’s not your cliche or cookie-cutter perfect post-breakup “I miss you” type song and I enjoy that. I’m very interested to see what you deliver next week. I guess the cover has to relate to the song if it’s your ex, so no complaints there either. 24. @Corsola - Petals This was a very cute song, even though it was meant to be dark at times, it was still very optimistic overall and I liked that about it. You touched on it briefly in your description and so I know you won’t disagree with me pointing out that it does definitely venture into the familiar and overdone territory at times, but you have put your Corsola seasoning on it which is great to see. Honestly, it’s not the strongest of the bunch, but there are enough unique lyrics scattered throughout to make it an overall enjoyable read. The cover makes a strong connection with the song. 25. @DripDrip - Bloom Melissa… ugh, Avril, is that you? Surprised this isn’t called “Blo0m”. I enjoyed this a lot, but I do feel like quite a few other entries it just felt incomplete. I’d like to see some more fleshing out here, some more attention paid to each specific lyric, more changes of pace within the structure etc. The whole ‘after the storm the clouds disappear and it’s all light and sunny’ thing was very cliche, and when you don’t have many other lyrics, it is really emphasises on the lack of originality with that particular stanza. There are other ways to convey those same feelings without resorting to the most overdone, obvious route, and I really suggest you get creative and think of more abstract ways to convey typical feelings or ideas, and that will elevate your writing so much. The cover is definitely excellent and connects to the song, though. 26. @mxtthewdelrey - W | E | T I thought this was going to be a sex song at first asdfghjkl; I feel like this is definitely a specific kind of song you’re going for. Are you writing with a PC Music type beat in mind? That’s what I’m getting, anyway. It’s major quirk. I’m not necessarily sure if it’s the best way to go about this competition, and this is coming from someone that likes a lot of the PC Music roster’s stuff, it just… doesn’t translate well lyrically, since it’s mostly all about the production and the craziness of the high pitched vocals and… OK I’m assuming a lot here. The “ands” and “ah-ahs” are filler, though. Juvenile phrases such as “water is wet” and “shampoo drip into my eye” aren’t lyrical whatsoever. I don’t know what you plan to take from this competition, if you plan to stick to your style or experiment with different styles of music or what, but I don’t really think this style of writing is what you should be producing if you want to be well-received in this competition. Then again, maybe you don’t care about that, and just want to do what you like, which I definitely respect. I guess we’ll see next week! 27. @Auburn - Wooden Eyes This was really intriguing to me. I felt like you were genuinely inspired by the “cover” to write this song in ways I didn’t really feel from many other covers. You observed subtle things not just in the foreground but the background of the image, like the bed, and the drawers where the clothes would be stored etc. and all those intricate little details really made this. “Won’t get caught in your net of mind games” was honestly an outlier lyric in this dollhouse world and it is also a bit cliche and so I really wish you’d done something different with that. Otherwise, it’s really solid. “Sometimes the best way to cry / is to not at all” CHILLS. 28. @Lucky#17 - Intimate This screams “song that would actually be catchy if it was recorded with a good melody and DJ Mustard beat”, which is exactly why it falls flat in this type of competition. Now I know you’re probably thinking “Why can’t I write a fun song? Does everything have to be so serious?” but that’s not the issue. It’s all in the authenticity. Name-dropping a bunch of brands like Grey Goose, Bacardi, Ray Bans… it’s too overdone. They’re your lyrics, but they’re not original ideas, it’s - whether it’s consciously or subconsciously - a recycled mish-mash of a bunch of other songs. The endless repetitions, “oohs” and “aahs” etc. aren’t adding anything to the lyrics of this song, which makes them unnecessary. I really hope you don’t think I’m being rude, I’m pretty sure you’ve competed in PH before and done quite well in the past, so I know you’re capable of more than this. You can write a fun, upbeat, even club song if you want (I stanned Hug’s entry this week, which was just that). I really want you to come through and show us what your writing style is next week, not what your imitation of a hit urban radio song is.
funnellegs Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Thank you @Aurora! I agree it wasn't as detailed as it could've been for something this personal. Will keep that in mind going forward
Auburn Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 23 minutes ago, Aurora said: 27. @Auburn - Wooden Eyes This was really intriguing to me. I felt like you were genuinely inspired by the “cover” to write this song in ways I didn’t really feel from many other covers. You observed subtle things not just in the foreground but the background of the image, like the bed, and the drawers where the clothes would be stored etc. and all those intricate little details really made this. “Won’t get caught in your net of mind games” was honestly an outlier lyric in this dollhouse world and it is also a bit cliche and so I really wish you’d done something different with that. Otherwise, it’s really solid. “Sometimes the best way to cry / is to not at all” CHILLS. thanks for the feedback
Galah Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Highest Score: 9.0 (x2) Lowest Score: 1.0 Batch 1 Average: 5.7 Batch 2 Average: 6.3 Top 5 (no particular order) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJGUbwVMBeA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOBVEq_Bi5k https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4WgDQdSwhE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Go7gn6dugu0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOb4VUgRqo0 Bottom 5 (no particular order) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvN5h9BE444 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4em3LKQCAQ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzI9VQUHJkU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMpH6OxXrMs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7sYiTyBjTY
Hug Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 The first recommended video of Really Don't Care is Neon Lights, so that video is obviously me!!
Galah Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 2 minutes ago, Hug said: The first recommended video of Really Don't Care is Neon Lights, so that video is obviously me!! the kii is you're actually right now decipher the rest, fat.
Hug Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Ok, who is the girl who wrote about a Toothbrush. ...Citrus? I know she had a song called that
SaintWest Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 I don't think any of the hints were me so I'm somewhere in the middle?
Cupid Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Thanks @ughgabriel ! The reason I used 'bed' was supposed to be like.. sea bed, on the floor, to fit with the water imagery. Glad you liked everything else. Thanks @Aurora too! I probably could have jazzed it up a little but I was trying to hold back and keep it simple, will keep that in mind next round.
UFO Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 (edited) 1 hour ago, Aurora said: 20. @UFO - Two Strangers Another perfect cover, loves it. This was really, really good! Probably my favourite song I’ve ever seen from you in all honesty. There was nothing extra or unnecessary about it (no wooden branches this time), everything has purpose, everything flowed. You moved me with the “That first day we met I wore a blue dress / Now it’s all I wear, now it’s all I can wear” couplet, just stunning. I’m kind of extremely shook right now. I kind of don’t have anything negative to say. Cover is a perfect association, too. Wow, I was having a really rough day today and reading this has made me happy I really tried to take advantage of my two strengths with this song: emotion and storytelling, so I'm glad you liked it! I also don't know if the judges noticed but I tried to make the second verse contrast with the first verse to make it more powerful. But thank you! This season I really want to push myself and experiment in terms of technique and content. My theme this season is "catharsis" and thankfully there aren't any eliminations this time Not gonna lie. I kind of snatched my own edges when I wrote that "blue dress" couplet nnnn I was literally crying when I wrote the bridge because it hit a little too close to home Edited May 22, 2017 by UFO
UFO Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 (edited) Whew! The judges are serving essays with these reviews a Game of Thrones tea let me be nosey and read through everyone else's feedback Edited May 22, 2017 by UFO
ughgabriel Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 4 hours ago, Tsareena said: sorry I made you uncomfortable. Thanks for the review I meant that as a compliment!
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