Glassmouth Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 4 minutes ago, Lane Boy said: a top 5 in my eyes!
Glassmouth Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 6 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: finally a post
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 At #12... hopeless fountain kingdom @FCKNAmbrosia
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 Just now, Gastrodonatella said: #MaybeI will spam, #MaybeI won't, but at the end of the day it won't make this thread more of a #CrowdedRoom! i lov u just bumped ur score
ceremonials Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 1 minute ago, Gastrodonatella said: #MaybeI will spam, #MaybeI won't, but at the end of the day it won't make this thread more of a #CrowdedRoom! who areyou
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 At #11... The fifth Harry Potter instalment @Nait Phoenix
ceremonials Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 47 minutes ago, Temporal said: Temporal's Round 4 Batch 2 Reviews 10. @Tsareena - Scarlet Games Well, this was certainly an interesting concept and a very quirky song. I agree with Aurora like above, the water imagery felt out of place with the bowling metaphor. My biggest quarrel, however, was with the style: at times it read as very conversational (the entire first verse basically), but then there would be moments where the style seemed to break from that and was a little more lyrical (the fourth verse). With that said, I think this style was very song-like, I could totally see this being an actual song. However, there weren’t any couplets or big punches here, as the verses were so really straightforward. You can write a really good song without big imagery or a big plot, but it requires a lot more support which I don’t think was present here. 11. @UFO - Death Lullaby The comments I’ve given you about your style being way too dense remain relevant here. I agree with the other judges that this was perhaps a bit too morbid, but I don’t think I was as overwhelmed by it because you had some killer lines here. On the whole, it just needed to be toned down two or three notches. I’ve mentioned this to other players before, but when dealing with death, it’s best to keep the reader at arm’s length instead of saying “oh yeah there was SO much blood it was SO gruesome and the body was like this xyz”, it’s best to have some poeticism about it. 12. @RihsusChrist(ATG) - Paranormal Tamborine WHY are you so against third choruses? This was a really solid entry until it ended so prematurely. I didn’t get enough storytelling from this, just “oh this girl liked green and she was really hot, now she’s old and no one likes her”. Trying to tell a life story in two verses in a chorus just did not work. I really liked your style and vocabulary, though I will say the perfect rhymes that you did use felt elementary (“Naughty” / “Haughty”). “It was natural green was her color” hm 13. @Lane Boy - Playground Games Next thing, we’re touching! I’m sorry, I don’t think I liked this quite as much as the other judges. I did like the plot, especially when it to the bridge, but I think this song needed a lot to really work. This is a pretty cliché storyline, and I don’t think there was anything to really spice it up. The style was also too dry, some lines read like a Sparknotes summary (Ex. “Now it's college, and we’ve been through ups and downs, but I’m still enjoying the ride”), and there weren’t any big images beyond the swingset to really make the entry pop. I think something that may help you (and others) would be to read each line by itself and ask yourself if it 100% comes across as a lyric, and not possibly a sentence in a conversation, as some lines, again, did come across as such. I’m still waiting for that next level delivery from you, but thankfully, I’m patient, especially seeing how much the other judges love your work! 14. @ceremonials - Hourglass You’re an idiot for not submitting the other round because if you kept up this level of work you would’ve ****ing won this season. Sad! I really liked this, the style was flawless and the way you managed to use a ****ing hourglass as imagery for an entire song was like a masterclass. Slay me. The bridge was a bit clumsier than the rest of the song 15. @beatinglikeadrum - Story of the Birds I don’t remember you being a contestant with heavy grammatical issues, but there were certainly plenty with this entry. Beyond that I think you tried to do too much with too little. There were so many different images floating around that it was hard to find the storyline. The imagery was almost more of a nuisance than an aid because there was just so much of it. - “I was sitting on the brunch” um I would hope not - “I was flying like a crazy” ?? - “You decided to come there” You come here and go there - “you were jealous how big it has grown” oh - “You knew I ain't eagle” 16. @Auburn - For You “I now knew” I am TRIGGERED. This was cute for its length but definitely didn’t meet the challenge. omg not three v positive reviews shaking
ceremonials Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 long as you loving me down down down im gon keep loving you down down down kowkey lyric of the century???????????????
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 Just now, ceremonials said: omg not three v positive reviews shaking didnt u see mine tho..
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 1 minute ago, ceremonials said: omg not three v positive reviews shaking good thing i hated it
ceremonials Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Just now, keshaspearsxo said: didnt u see mine tho.. what
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 Just now, ceremonials said: what well i snap chatted it to you
ceremonials Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 2 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: good thing i hated it the two separate replies
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 1 minute ago, ceremonials said: "you" ajkkiduinedhv i do NOT have the energy to try to think of stupid individualised **** to write for everyone
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 At #7... You were right @Gastrodonatella just kidding its actually @Glassmouth
ceremonials Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 when push come to shooooooooooove you show me looooooooooooove
ceremonials Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 Just now, keshaspearsxo said: At #7... You were right @Gastrodonatella just kidding its actually @Glassmouth
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