Temporal Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 I've started writing reviews but one of y'all made me quit
Temporal Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 1 minute ago, Gastrodonatella said: @ me next time You have a review, not everyone has that to their credit
SaintWest Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 28 minutes ago, Temporal said: You have a review, not everyone has that to their credit S.A.D. ha downfall.
Hug Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 I'm just glad my entry is very inoffensive and uninteresting.
fountain Posted June 15, 2017 Author Posted June 15, 2017 I was gonna write reviews but then I saw this video of a girl eating an onion to the shrek song and now I've fallen in love and can't stop watching more videos of her so sorry
fountain Posted June 15, 2017 Author Posted June 15, 2017 Im also halfway thru an episode of riverdale but I paused it cause I wanted more of the onion girl in my life
SaintWest Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 (edited) plot twist: hug's song about not being able to compete with other stars in the sky is about dh 10.5 an expose for the gods Edited June 15, 2017 by SaintWest
Hug Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Just now, SaintWest said: plot twist: hug's song about not being able to compete with other stars in the sky is about dh 10.5 an expose for the gods Did I tell you about that because that's actually what its about
fountain Posted June 15, 2017 Author Posted June 15, 2017 3 minutes ago, SaintWest said: plot twist: hug's song about not being able to compete with other stars in the sky is about dh 10.5 an expose for the gods Why do you always say DH THIS IS PH
SaintWest Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 8 minutes ago, Hug said: Did I tell you about that because that's actually what its about whew, stormy sky as a gif then 4 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: Why do you always say DH THIS IS PH dh sounds better than ph, which sounds like it could be an infection caused by something chemical. so can you stop attacking me and go back to your onion ring video and writing my review for my flop song? thank you friend
Temporal Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 19 minutes ago, Hug said: I'm just glad my entry is very inoffensive and uninteresting. Did you hack my computer and read my review? What kind of mod power?
Hug Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Just now, Temporal said: Did you hack my computer and read my review? What kind of mod power? I just have a level of self-awareness most girls in this game don't.
SaintWest Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 close your eyes @Hug because WHEW lorde really did that on melodrama. really forcing the gorls like me to stan even when we didn't before
fountain Posted June 15, 2017 Author Posted June 15, 2017 6 minutes ago, SaintWest said: can you stop attacking me Hell no
SaintWest Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 our friends our drinks we get inspired blowing **** up with homemade d d d dynamite
Aurora Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 (once again, somewhat early reviews from your favourite judge Auwowa) @OreGuy - “What Happened to Emmy?” First of all I’d just like to say that I really enjoy this concept of Emmy = Me. The personification of your mind as a separate entity to yourself is super interesting to me. I honestly love storytelling songs and although I’m not very good at writing them myself apparently I always look for two things; depth and description. It’s those little details that really shape the narrative that sell a storytelling song for me. I love the unique concept you took but I think it was a poor time to choose a less direct method of songwriting because storytelling is all about direction. I would have loved to be shown more details than the ambiguity and double meanings. This is still probably one of your better entries but I still think it’s important to really think about what the challenge is calling for and what method to use that is really going to support that style of writing. The verses were okay but the chorus was too vague for a storytelling song I feel. @mxtthewdelrey - “Vape With Me Postman - The Story of My Life” I don’t know why but this title really irritates me. It doesn’t feel like a song title at all. The first verse, delete it. The chorus, no. Lyric writing competition = impress us with your lyrics. This does not impress. Can’t. Stress. This. Enough. Okay, second verse and I’m starting to get the impression that this is a troll entry. You made me smile, at least. @Hug - “Stormy Sky” I appreciate that you’re one of the few people who are still trying in this game. Even though I dragged “Candle” through the mud, you were still trying, and the one thing I dislike more than exploiting death is giving up entirely. That said, the first verse was pretty familiar. I think conceptually the whole storm/lightning/thunder thing is a bit overdone, but I’ll just bite my tongue on that and see where you take it. “Forevermore” felt unnatural in its usage, just there to rhyme with “pour”. The reign/rain play on words was cute. If you’re gonna dance with such a familiar metaphor you need to use more things like that to shake it up a bit. As a whole, I think you’ve done very well. I’m used to storytelling songs being more literal, but you’ve managed to make it work with a central metaphor too. Despite my earlier comments, I think you made it work without seeming too familiar throughout; just that first verse. This was really nice, and another step up from last week, as you’d hoped. @Gastrodonatella - “Lost in Fire” This was kind of morbidly satisfying. I actually enjoyed the conclusion, in a (possibly sick) weird way. Not everything has to have a happy ending. This would have been great for a fire imagery round (as Hug’s would have been great for an air imagery round). The progression was okay, although I feel the chorus could have been improved a bit because it felt a bit odd coming back to the same set of lyrics when it’s clear she’s already left the town and is running through the forest from the first time. Also the rhyme scheme and pacing isn’t really any different from the verses, which is something else that should be considered. Variety generates interest. Overall this got the job done and it was nice, but it didn’t move any mountains or have any standout moments as some of your previous songs have. @Nait Phoenix - “Hard Candy” I’m a bit confused as to what is going on in the song, if I’m honest. It’s setting the man up to look as if he’s a pedophile, when he’s really not? What does the girl get out of it? Why is she doing this? I feel like I’m only getting half of the story. As far as technical aspects are concerned, I really enjoyed some of the rhyming techniques you utilised, especially in the chorus, which made for a much more dynamic, interesting read. There’s no doubt this is a storytelling song, I’m just a little confused, and wish it was a bit more clear, but then again maybe that’s just my problem in failing to understand it. @SaintWest - “S.A.D.” I just can’t not see Katy Perry’s “Save As Draft” (which has previously been officially abbreviated to S.A.D.), I’m so sorry. That aside, I think the concept of the S.A.D. you’ve described is quite interesting and I can see how it would be a thing for some. Honestly, you’re really hitting your stride in this competition. No, as a writer. This is a natural progression from Midsummer but it’s even more faultless. This was nothing but a pleasure to read from beginning to end and I hope this becomes your second #1, I really do, because you deserve it (the “fin” was a bit pretentious, but otherwise it was perfect). @Glassmouth - “Laffy Taffy” Is this a song about a dead mother? The biggest issue I had was the structuring. I think if you’re reaching eight verses that should be an alarm bell that something’s off. One verse can be comprised of multiple stanzas. This is a technical thing and it’s not really to do with your lyrics but it does impact how the lyrics are read and what is being set up. Really you only have three verses (1-3, 4-5, 7-8) and the interlude (verse 6? since you were missing that one) is more of a bridge. On the subject of the actual lyrics, there were problems here and there again with the phrasing… “young to lose my dewey mind” did you mean too young? Otherwise it doesn’t make sense. I actually liked the “making moves that you just knew” lyric a lot. It read like a good, storytelling lyric. You set up some good imagery in the chorus and I do wish that was more prominent throughout. Then it transitions into the titular verses, which I found rather odd. There’s probably a personal connection there but it didn’t really translate that well, I don’t get what the laffy taffy/candy cane has to do with the rest of the song. “And now I just shed scars” is another lyric that doesn’t really make any sense. I feel like the intention or message of the song got a bit lost and I’m not sure if you narrowed in on the right details to successfully capture and translate your story. @funnellegs - “Bottom of a Plastic Cup” “smoking in a parking lot” UFO will see you in court, fat. Ow! I like simply “Plastic Cup” better for a title. Small thing. But I love that lyric in the post chorus, the highlight of the song for me. “and I know it’s cliche but it’s the only way to explain.” BITCH I SEE YOU NO IT’S NOT but seriously, yes that “endless winter” lyric was v cliche, delete it. There were a couple of these moments actually… “it takes two”, “by my side” etc. I enjoyed the way the choruses changed subtly, I think that’s a good technique to use in a storytelling song honestly. It has that familiar, recurring element but also keeps the progression. I thought this was nice, but it didn’t wow me like your entry did last week. It did a fine job of meeting the brief but like you said, while it was somewhat unoriginal, it was still done to a good enough standard. @FCKNAmbrosia - “Anorev” I was really confused and intrigued by this title, so I’m glad you explained it a bit. I do feel that the whole ‘Romeo and Juliet tragic star-crossed lovers’ trope is a bit trite, and running red lights and things igniting and all that didn’t really help to breathe new life into an overdone concept, it just… added more overdone ideas to the mix. The first verse was actually okay (water imagery always wins), but it felt disconnected from the rest of the song. I liked the prechorus, that was good. The second verse was a lot more literal than the first verse and in this case I think it hurt it. Consistency is a must, there’s no point having a really good verse laden with water metaphors/imagery if you don’t keep that same metaphorical stance throughout. @Tsareena - “Scarlet Games” Honestly, I really like the bowling metaphor. It’s unique and you’ve executed it well. Similar to my critique above, I wonder what the inclusion of water imagery serves in this song other than to capitalise on a known successful trend. It doesn’t really belong in a song where bowling is the central metaphor… the siren song/sail away feels like it should come from a different song altogether. It would have been much more interesting and clever from my point of view if you’d really fleshed out the bowling metaphor… lyrics like “you’re still here tying your laces” were brilliant. Water imagery is definitely a soft spot for me but there’s a time and a place and just throwing random water images into a song isn’t it. Lowkey wanted this to turn into a cupcakKe-style sex jam; “be the bowler, I’ll be the ball / slide your fingers in all my holes” No but seriously, I did enjoy a good portion of this a lot. I’m not sure if it was a perfect fit for the storytelling challenge, it could have been any number of things, but it got the job done. @UFO - “Death Lullaby” ceremonials called, he wants his aesthetic back. But funnellegs ripped off your parking lot lyric, so I guess I can call it even. Ask Hug if you’d like to know my opinions about writing a song about a dead child that doesn’t really exist. I have to be consistent in my disdain. “Collapsed in your pool of blood” - I’m not sure if this lyric is meant to be taken literally or metaphorically but either way it’s way too much. Sis. I can’t really fault you on technique, honestly this is probably your tightest work yet. It’s just so wrong on so many levels to me. “Your ashes in your womb imitate lost butterflies”? This is some messed up ****. I’m torn on how to properly critique this because I can’t score you too low because I have to admit it’s well written, and I can’t overlook that. There are issues here and there but that’s nothing compared to how morbid the whole thing is. Maybe this could have worked had you done more showing than telling, but you’re literally depicting umbilical cords breaking and a fetus decaying in the womb and it’s just… please don’t do this again, please. @RihsusChrist(ATG) - “Paraiba Tourmaline” What is with all of the titles this round? Very pretty gemstone, though. This was probably my favourite song from you, actually. It was well crafted, very descriptive, painted a nice picture with that shade of green prominent throughout, and told the story well. It could have been expanded on a bit with a bridge or something just to give another dimension to the song but overall it was pretty solid. @Lane Boy - “Playground Games” This concept. Wig. “Now I see what I should have saw” I see you, but you can’t do this. Bitch. The Simon lyric too, girl, no. The subtlety in the other verses was iT and by this one it just seems like you’ve stopped trying. I really like the second chorus about the playground being up in flames. I mean, I like the whole thing a LOT, but that in particular was my favourite stanza. The fourth verse was probably one too many and didn’t have any real standout lyrics but the rest of the song was great, told a great story, kept to the central metaphor, had that progression etc. everything you want from a storytelling song. Great effort. @ceremonials - “Hourglass” “Harsh June sun” didn’t flow well at all for me, all three words are so blunt. That might seem like a picky way to start this review but you’ve been around the block a few times now and I feel like this is something you should know to avoid by now. “Underneath” should also be “beneath”, but that’s getting really picky. The rest of the verse was nice (even if the world breaking and bending seemed a little unnatural). Prechorus, wig. Chorus, wig. “Blurred by grains of sand cascading in every direction” this doesn’t work on so many levels; literal, metaphorical, aesthetically etc., just no. “Cause even a broken clock is right twice a day” WIG legend, you did that. I mean, the execution admittedly could have been a little better, but I love the idea behind it. Not you using the “slight variation of prechorus for a bridge” technique, screaming. The umpteenth outro this round too, y’all and outros, I swear. No shade but this is probably the first song of yours this season that I’ve genuinely really enjoyed reading, you did that. There were some moments in the verses that could have done with some fixing up, probably just needed more time and finessing, but this was really good. @beatinglikeadrum - “Story of the Birds” I prefer to sit on afternoon tea, myself. Again, there were the bones of a really good song here. I liked the central metaphor and you kept to it throughout and the imagery was all very nice. I feel like this is perhaps your best entry. Doing something like this where you can express thoughts through images really suits your writing style, because I know it’s not always easy to write in a language that’s probably not your mother tongue, but you’re doing very well regardless. If you can convey those images, those feelings… that’s universal. @Auburn - “For You” I appreciate that you still submitted something, that’s always, always better than not trying. Clearly this reads as just a couple verses or so but what you do have is honestly all great. I’d really like to see you complete this eventually. I probably can’t give it more than halfway, which is still good since it’s less than half a song, but know that it’s not reflective of the quality, but the length.
mxtthewdelrey Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 2 minutes ago, Aurora said: @mxtthewdelrey - “Vape With Me Postman - The Story of My Life” I don’t know why but this title really irritates me. It doesn’t feel like a song title at all. The first verse, delete it. The chorus, no. Lyric writing competition = impress us with your lyrics. This does not impress. Can’t. Stress. This. Enough. Okay, second verse and I’m starting to get the impression that this is a troll entry. You made me smile, at least. I suffered beautifully reading this review. Cheers mate!
SaintWest Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 fff not the Save As Draft comparisons. Thank you @Aurora! The title is all thanks to the good sis Hug. After I saw the definition it totally resonated with me. A lot of times when the weather changes, for the first few weeks, people experience some change, whether it be allergies or mood swings or joint paint, but for me it always makes me sad because I loved summer with that boy and the fall was my favorite season and all I could think about was how much I wish I could've experienced it with him. And the fin being pretentious. I meant it to be more of a prettier way of saying it's the end of the story I was telling in Midsummer and S.A.D.
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted June 15, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted June 15, 2017 2 minutes ago, Aurora said: @Tsareena - “Scarlet Games” Honestly, I really like the bowling metaphor. It’s unique and you’ve executed it well. Similar to my critique above, I wonder what the inclusion of water imagery serves in this song other than to capitalise on a known successful trend. It doesn’t really belong in a song where bowling is the central metaphor… the siren song/sail away feels like it should come from a different song altogether. It would have been much more interesting and clever from my point of view if you’d really fleshed out the bowling metaphor… lyrics like “you’re still here tying your laces” were brilliant. Water imagery is definitely a soft spot for me but there’s a time and a place and just throwing random water images into a song isn’t it. Lowkey wanted this to turn into a cupcakKe-style sex jam; “be the bowler, I’ll be the ball / slide your fingers in all my holes” No but seriously, I did enjoy a good portion of this a lot. I’m not sure if it was a perfect fit for the storytelling challenge, it could have been any number of things, but it got the job done. I was trying to say the narrator saw herself as a femme fatale of sorts and I thought mixing in the siren theme would work well for that. I enjoyed writing the bowling stuff a lot though I don't know much about the game. Thanks for the review! I'm itching to write a fun sex jam for the next round with all the feedback I've gotten so far.
OreGuy Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 thanks @Aurora for the reviews. I think the whole Emmy story which was written on the song alone was already a story itself even without the knowledge of the explanation I had with it. But thanks anyway!
Auburn Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 48 minutes ago, Aurora said: @Auburn - “For You” I appreciate that you still submitted something, that’s always, always better than not trying. Clearly this reads as just a couple verses or so but what you do have is honestly all great. I’d really like to see you complete this eventually. I probably can’t give it more than halfway, which is still good since it’s less than half a song, but know that it’s not reflective of the quality, but the length. thanks for the review! I really hope to flesh out a chorus for this, even though nothing is coming to my mind atm, for now I will have to save as draft and wait until later to finish it
Bandito Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 1 hour ago, Aurora said: @Lane Boy - “Playground Games” This concept. Wig. “Now I see what I should have saw” I see you, but you can’t do this. Bitch. The Simon lyric too, girl, no. The subtlety in the other verses was iT and by this one it just seems like you’ve stopped trying. I really like the second chorus about the playground being up in flames. I mean, I like the whole thing a LOT, but that in particular was my favourite stanza. The fourth verse was probably one too many and didn’t have any real standout lyrics but the rest of the song was great, told a great story, kept to the central metaphor, had that progression etc. everything you want from a storytelling song. Great effort. I just HAD to incorporate a see-saw into the lyrics, especially since it was the first one that came to my head when I thought of the title. I agree though, the Simon Says one was cringy, but I didn't know how else to incorporate it. But regardless, thanks for praising the song for the most part, especially the second chorus, which was @Glassmouth's fave as well. Did you find all 11 references?
Hug Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 2 hours ago, Aurora said: the one thing I dislike more than exploiting death is giving up entirely. Thank you for seeing I didn't give up. I really felt like it this week, but I didn't think it;d be fair to everyone who has been trying their hardest as well. Anyway, about exploiting the death of a child. 2 hours ago, Aurora said: This was kind of morbidly satisfying. I actually enjoyed the conclusion, in a (possibly sick) weird way. Not everything has to have a happy ending. The song is about a little girl who burns to death. 2 hours ago, Aurora said: Ask Hug if you’d like to know my opinions about writing a song about a dead child that doesn’t really exist. I have to be consistent in my disdain. Help.
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