Hug Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 5 minutes ago, 8thPrince said: How is everyone feeling I don't feel
Rence Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 6 hours ago, 8thPrince said: How is everyone feeling like a plastic bag
Prisoner Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 6 hours ago, 8thPrince said: How is everyone feeling
ughgabriel Posted September 29, 2020 Author Posted September 29, 2020 BATCH 2 @TROPICUM - Broken Soul Spoiler This reminds me of Advertising Space by Robbie Williams in a sense that it’s a direct tribute to the artist that inspired the song. I really liked how you portrayed her early BTW/UV image in this song. It really shows how depressive her life used to be. I thought that it was very interesting and clever the way you incorporated some elements from her music and her lyrics into your song. I think there were times where the inclusion of these elements was effective but then there were others that didn’t have a lot of substance to it (sweet Lolita for example). I liked how you also incorporated Carmen’s lyrics as your outro! And I also really loved how you kept that essence of that fame-craving, old hollywood aesthetic that she was known for in her earlier days. I thought it was very effective. I think I would've liked to see you write this song in first person or tell us what this story made you feel, because I think it could have had a greater emotional punch within it. A punch that I think is missing a bit because it feels like the protagonist is only telling "her" story and is not creating a bridge to let the reader connect with this external story. @luckystrike - The Bar Spoiler When I first read the title I thought this was going to be about a story that would take place in a bar, so this was not expected! I liked the sentiment of numbness you incorporated in your verses; the short lines in this case make it seem as if you didn’t feel anything anymore. I think you bridge was really good, I would’ve liked to get a little more backstory on him being in a new relationship because you just mentioned it out of the blue without giving it much importance. As for your chorus, I honestly loved the first half; I thought your lines had a lot of wit, meaning and emotion. The rhyme scheme is really good and the meter is very tight! I didn’t love the second half as much because I feel like the metaphors weren’t as strong as the ones in the first half. I think that could be case of “less is more”. This was honestly good. But will it bring you back to the competition? We’ll see… @funnellegs - Light Years Apart Spoiler “wasn’t it the most exquisite pain” very misleading line, I got my jergens lotion ready for nothing! jk jk I honestly think you conveyed a lot of emotion with this entry! I really liked this whole concept of the protagonist idealizing this person and not only going through the pain of losing them but through the whole process of having to repaint and remold this version of their past love; now that they’ve realized maybe they are not what they thought. My favorite sections were actually those about creating a “version of you”. I thought they were very well written and had a lot of meaning within them. I have to say that though I think the “fractured heart” stanza was interesting conceptually, I think it was probably my least favorite section of the song. I don’t think the simplicity of that section had a positive effect in the context of the song. @Dessy - Blue Sky Spoiler I really loved the way you used the weather as a metaphor in this song! Even if you never gave away what was actually happening, the way you used your words and these metaphors were enough for the reader to understand and follow the story you created here. The first verse was really stunning and I think it’s my favorite part from the whole song; It felt like a encapsulation of the Blue Neighbourhood cover and if that was your whole inspiration behind the song. I think it was genius because you captured the essence of it really well! The issues that I had with this entry were mostly phrasing issues. The peach rhyme felt a little forced because of the way you worded that line. But as you can see this is just a minor issue; a nitpick. So, that means this was a really good entry and you should be proud of it! @Speezy - The Pieces Still Waits In The Room Spoiler Honestly, I haven’t heard a lot of Jordin Sparks but I was really surprised to see how emotional this entry was. I don’t know why but she doesn’t strike me as that kind of artist. I’m surpirsed! Okay so I think this is a really interesting entry. I love how the narrative mimics the way the story unfolds as well. By that, i mean that the song gets deeper and deeper after the protagonist gets to really dive into what he sees in those shards of the broken glass. I thought that was, conceptually, really cool! I loved how you used glass as a symbolism here; it might not be the most inventive metaphor but I think you went all the way with it and you were very consistent! I also loved the way you presented a very specific setting in the very beginning where we have no idea what’s going on, but you’re guiding us to understand what is happening in the story. Love that glimpse of mystery you added. I really liked your chorus to be honest; the only thing that I would’ve liked is if you got rid of the first line because it’s a little redundant. It’s like saying “I’m crying from my eyes”; it kind of diminishes the effort and takes the reader out of the story. Uhh, I think it would’ve worked so much better if you just said “tears create a stream embedded in me”. It’s more concise, I believe. I also had a problem with the left and right shard bit on verse one; I feel like you could’ve used a more interesting or striking metaphor for that. It was a little too on the nose saying “on the right side I’m happy and on the left one I am not” so it kind of takes away the emotionality. Honestly this was really good! I just want you to pay attention to these details to finesse your abilities; those details will make the difference between a good song and great one! @minho - goodbye Spoiler omg already better than the original!! jk Okay so honestly this was very immersive! I felt like I was creating a short film in my head with all these things you were narrating. It was very engaging all the way through. I don’t mean this as “it’s not lyrical!!” but I kind of pictured this as a spoken monologue and honestly, I loved it. “We’re made of glass, not to last” is a very simple line but I think is very effective and, certainly, a highlight that represents that there’s no such thing as permanency when it comes to humans or their relationships. There’s also a very edgy element in your lyrics; it’s edgy without falling into pretentious. Really great job, I honestly don’t have anything bad to say about this! @8thPrince - I Took A Fistful of Sand From the Beach Spoiler After reading your explanation about this entry I can tell you that you managed to encapsulate the essence of everything you described in a very effective way. I think this was written very beautifully; the description of the setting and storyline was spot on! I loved all the details you incorporated in this song to make is feel very personal. I don’t know if this was based on your own experience but, either way, you did a pretty damn good job making me believe it was! I absolutely loved your chorus; it is those little details that make me buy what you’re selling. Those little things kids do, like running after seagulls, taking a fistful of sand, being wrapped in the beach towel. Those are some images that really strike as being really significative and personal to the protagonist. I have to say that I would’ve liked to see more of the simplicity you presented during the bridge. I think it was so effective because it played very real and that down to earth tone really complemented the innocent essence the story had. I do appreciate the refined language, but if you’re trying to channel innocence and childhood, I believe that maybe simplicity would’ve had a bigger impact. I’ve honestly been loving all the variations you’ve done with your choruses with your songs this season. Loved the conclusive chorus so much! @keshaspearsxo - O Spoiler Orange is a color that I struggled to get into. I’ve grown to love it. I honestly think this is great great! While I do appreciate your grand and ambitious concepts (and executions), I loved seeing another side of your songwriting that is very different from the first mentioned yet it still carries your essence within it. I honestly loved that this felt like a confessional entry where it was so immersive and real that it didn’t feel like a journey anymore; I did feel like it was a conversation you were having with me. Like you were getting these things out of your chest. I loved how your song got deeper as it continued to progress. That bridge was so cathartic and natural. It felt natural but at the same time I felt like those words were being said to me as an actual dialogue rather than artistic interpretation of your feelings. Which is to me, what raw songwriting should be. This is the epitome of it. To me, the song felt like in every section we were getting to know another layer of you until we reached the core. This felt like one of those songs where the production starts very quite and minimal and it builds into something so big where in the end it’s very loud but also feels very transcendental. I would like to say that I hope the colors in your life and the ones in your mind can get the chance to align someday. And even if they don’t, I hope your mind stays red and life becomes yellow so you can find yourself in an orange room. (That was my way of trying to highlight my favorite lyrics without citing or revealing much).
ughgabriel Posted September 29, 2020 Author Posted September 29, 2020 (edited) Sorry for the slightly shorter reviews, I haven't been feeling too well. Will step it up for the next challenge, promise <3 Results + new round tomorrow @funnellegs please let me know on which judge are you going to use your power<3 Edited September 29, 2020 by ughgabriel
fountain Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 10 minutes ago, ughgabriel said: Orange is a color that I struggled to get into. I’ve grown to love it. I honestly think this is great great! While I do appreciate your grand and ambitious concepts (and executions), I loved seeing another side of your songwriting that is very different from the first mentioned yet it still carries your essence within it. I honestly loved that this felt like a confessional entry where it was so immersive and real that it didn’t feel like a journey anymore; I did feel like it was a conversation you were having with me. Like you were getting these things out of your chest. I loved how your song got deeper as it continued to progress. That bridge was so cathartic and natural. It felt natural but at the same time I felt like those words were being said to me as an actual dialogue rather than artistic interpretation of your feelings. Which is to me, what raw songwriting should be. This is the epitome of it. To me, the song felt like in every section we were getting to know another layer of you until we reached the core. This felt like one of those songs where the production starts very quite and minimal and it builds into something so big where in the end it’s very loud but also feels very transcendental. I would like to say that I hope the colors in your life and the ones in your mind can get the chance to align someday. And even if they don’t, I hope your mind stays red and life becomes yellow so you can find yourself in an orange room. (That was my way of trying to highlight my favorite lyrics without citing or revealing much). Thank you very much ? I don’t know if I necessarily need, hope or want to end up in an orange room. I think that maybe the mind can have an expectation of such, but the body or the heart not. That might be because of things like the media and how prevalent and how much attention things such as that are given. If you think about it, what are 9 out of 10 songs written about? It’s such a constant fixation in many aspects of society. So maybe it is a little bit indoctrinated even into the minds of people who don’t possess that desire. And I think, there is such a lack of real representation (almost literally none) for that other side that it is confusing when this happens, and I find myself in that position and in this song now. It can be even more confusing when you throw in certain life experiences, whether positive or negative, and how they alter your relationship and your viewpoint on all of this. Ultimately I’m kind of trying to get that across and trying to understand these aspects, considering the different possibilities in what are not exactly new feelings, yet new interpretations of them. But yes it was very cathartic, the lines at many points were pretty much my more personal thoughts written directly.
funnellegs Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 Thank you @ughgabriel I agree about that section, I kind of struggled to improve it past that point and didn’t wanna get rid altogether. Should I pm you my meteor dodge now that all the reviews are in?
Speezy Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 The way all the judges liked my chorus Thanks !!!
ughgabriel Posted September 29, 2020 Author Posted September 29, 2020 Next page for results!! Spoiler @Hug @Ampersand13 @hurricane326 @Aurora @Gay Rat Divorce @OreGuy @Rence @firecrotch @Astronomy @TROPICUM @luckystrike @funnellegs @Dessy @Speezy @minho @8thPrince @keshaspearsxo
ATRL Moderator Ampersand13 Posted September 29, 2020 ATRL Moderator Posted September 29, 2020 WHEW here we go
Prisoner Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 maybe you guys can do this as a quick warm up for results MY Rankings: #2 #3 #5
funnellegs Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 Omg am I actually gonna be here for results finally
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