ughgabriel Posted September 15, 2020 Author Posted September 15, 2020 sorry for being so slow but i'll post my first batch in 2 hours and the second tomorrow<3 i'm actually impressed with the concepts you came up with for this round!!
Hug Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 2 hours ago, ughgabriel said: sorry for being so slow but i'll post my first batch in 2 hours and the second tomorrow<3 i'm actually impressed with the concepts you came up with for this round!! Wait okay a serve
ceremonials Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 Omg me coming for OUT - SAFE hopefully Come on unique chart run
OreGuy Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 coming #13 - #13, serving concistency as it's another Taylor related song
ughgabriel Posted September 15, 2020 Author Posted September 15, 2020 (edited) BATCH 1 @Hug - Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring Spoiler I honestly loved the way the cycle of life was kind of represented in this song. I love deers in general, they’re my favorite animal so of course I was going to gravitate towards this song. I honestly think this entry is VERY polished. The rhyming and meter are so tight and they work in such a natural way. I really enjoyed your word choice for the transitions between seasons. You focused a lot on visuals and that was a great way to let the reader know that a change of season was happening (“the leaves bled red”, “gray ate the sky”). I also really liked the way the story has a full circle moment with your outro being almost the same as your first two stanzas. I think it gives the story a moment of fulfillment to let the reader know how the story is going to repeat itself through the descendant of the protagonist. I will say that maybe I would’ve liked to see something more for the ending. Maybe a little glimpse of autumn coming again so it could hint that the fawn was going to start its journey too. I don’t know… I just feel like I would’ve liked it better if the song ended on a more exciting note. Not that it was bad, but since it was almost a repetition of the intro, the rest of the song felt stronger than the outro. Great entry <3 @minho - the warrior and the traitor Spoiler Wow. This is really beautiful. I think that you really channeled the emotions of solitude, loyalty and insightfulness in a very successful way. I think the song was written in a way that the reader would be able to understand and follow the story you wrote; but also in a way that they could create their own story as well. There are a lot of elements that have a very specific purpose for your own story but I also think that people could interpret those elements as parts of their lives as well. I honestly thought the symbolism was brilliant. I loved the multiple meanings the line “the black tides rising to reach the moon” had. It’s all about contrasting. About how Absol represents the darkness in the eyes others while its intentions are the total opposite. It’s about being stuck on that image of who they think you are and never being able to convince them you’re different from that. Hence why the tides are never able to touch the moon. I also thought that the song progressively got better. Not because one section was better than the other but because every part of the story was very gripping and added a lot to the song. So there are songs that are great overall; and then there are others that are great because of the sum of its parts. Meaning that you could dissect every line or section of said song and find something great within each part of it. Which is what I think you did. You may have joined the race a little late but you came in full velocity. @TROPICUM - Deity Spoiler Honestly I don’t know anything about Pokemon either. But I’ve done this challenge a couple of times before so what I really like about it is the way it shows how you can get inspiration from anywhere. While it wasn’t necessary to make a song about Pokemon, it makes me happy that you stood out of your comfort zone and said “I’m going to write about something I’m not familiar with”. I really appreciate that! I believe that this song is a great step up from your last week’s entry. This is more complete and the song gives more detail about the story you’re trying to convey in the song. I really like that you had in mind a specific setting and situation for the story you created. I have to say that there are some issues. Some parts of the song are a little vague. I believe that I wouldn’t have been able to figure the whole story you created if I didn’t read your explanation of the song. I understand that at times is cool to go those song meanings websites where we get to know more about the story behind our favorite songs, but it is much more successful to create a song that is easy to understand. And, for example, since you’re bringing a topic that maybe not everyone is going to be familiar with. We, as writers, have the task to find a way to present the story in a way where we can introduce this topic to a non familiar reader. I really liked your first verse and i thought it was really effective. The way you presented the setting and the description of the deity you were facing was really intriguing and it was a great way to hook the reader onto your story. I’m happy to see you’re using the feedback in your favor! @Astronomy - Blameless Spoiler Oh, we’re going conceptual! I really liked that you had two sides for your song. I really enjoyed the way you were portraying the self destructive behavior with the physical damage you used on your first part. I think it’s a really clever way to project how we are willing to give the best of us for love even if it can harm us. And after our bodies/minds can’t handle it anymore, we decide to move on from it. Wait until we heal again so we can tear ourselves apart again. Very intriguing. I think you have a very notorious talent when it comes to writing songs; I believe pop is your main field. Because this reads as a song that I could easily picture on the radio. Not a bad thing at all, it’s just that it reads like an actual song! I will say that I had some issues with some awkward rhymes (wanes, waves) and the post chorus repetition was not very necessary. As for Undone, I feel like conceptually it talked about the way we romanticize heartbreak and all the bad sides of love. And I truly loved the verse. I loved the way they were written; your word choice and the rhythm they had when reading them. Probably my favorite part from the whole entry <3 The post chorus here felt a bit unnecessary, in my opinion. Glad to see you stopped writing for BOXPINK, this is the material I was waiting for you to deliver! Now, please take the feedback into consideration @hurricane326 - All That Is Known Spoiler I really really like this. I’m really impressed and mesmerized by some of the choices you made in this song. Like the comparisons to different symbolisms (Excalibur, greek mythology, etc) and the way you chose certain words to go with the era you were portraying. That was really cool. I don’t know a lot about Pokemon either. But this seems to be a good representation of Mew being a very powerful being. I really liked that this was also done in a way where the reader could relate to this. We, as humans, hold a lot of power within our minds and bodies; we can really shape our surroundings and create a lot of different things. So this song is also kind of an ode to the human being. Very reflective. The mysterious and thought provoking nature of the song really elevates the entry as well. And it’s really fitting with the psychic nature that you were going for. I have to say that the first four lines; the idea of the interwoven fabric was kind of clunky. I think I get what you were trying to say but it took me a few reads to connect it with the rest of the song. I think the idea could’ve been expressed in a more successful way. It feels a little disconnected to the rest of the song, lyric wise. This is another great entry from you! Both of your entries have had a very non conventional structure which I enjoy, I would also be interested in seeing what you can do with a classic verse+chorus+verse+chorus type of song. I’m not forcing you to do it. But it would be interesting to see what you can do with that. @disruptive - fable of the deep sea Spoiler I feel like I’m giving this song a lot of different meanings. I loved it to be honest. It’s very reflective and sweet. It has kind of a hopeful quality to it in a very dark and melancholic setting. I don’t know if your main purpose of this song was to narrate your search for Lanturn, which would make sense since it’s a fable. But what i found so interesting was the combination of your words, the symbolism and your pokemon. The fact that the protagonist looks at the sea to find the light is really intriguing since when you look at the water, you usually see your reflection. So this made me think that maybe this song was meant to be directed to yourself. Maybe the song is about not seeing the magic, or light, that you once had in yourself. Which makes me think like “okay Lanturn always has its light in front of them but they will never be able to reach it” I don’t know. In my head, it makes sense. I think this song was really sweet and effective. This song was a very good debut. I’m giving you a HUGe round of applause. @Gastrodonatella - My Little Blossom Spoiler This is really beautiful and heartbreaking. I think you’ve written a very gripping and detailed story, so it was really easy as a reader to follow every part of it and connecting emotionally. I have never gone through anything similar to this but I did feel the sadness and hopelessness the protagonist was expressing throughout the song. The narrative was really good and I loved the addition of very specific life events that were related to her loss. I really liked the way this is redacted and how clear it is. Your word choice was very effective because you got your complete message across. I do want to say that at times it feels like there is some inconsistency and a not so smooth transition between the poetic language and the more common language. Which also had an impact on the song overall; it reads a little bit odd. The transition between lines and some phrases sound weird. Not that they are incorrect or anything but when reading them, something feels a bit off. I’m glad that you’re back to this competition because you always bring a lot of emotionality into your entries, and this wasn’t the exception <3 @firecrotch - meet again Spoiler I really liked that you were able to successfully tell the complete story with your song. I believe that this is a better song than your entry from last week since your word choice seems to have improved a lot. I honestly think the chorus is really good, concise and it works perfectly as the central part of your song. It summarizes the whole feeling of the story in a very nice way, and it reads so smoothly. The second verse was also a highlight for me. I especially loved the couplet “i cant ascend another climb / and tumble further down on each new try”. It was really pretty and it also encapsulated the whole feeling of being the one who tries to save the relationship without these actions being reciprocate, therefore knowing that everything is going to fall apart again. Very nice! I have to say that the first verse was not as successful due to the abrupt transition between the first and second part. You open the song saying that this person was not like your former lovers which leads to believe the reader that you’re happy with them; and then you say that the magic ran out pretty quickly. So I think there should’ve been more development for you to make that transition more effective because it felt rather abrupt. Everything changed too quick. And on the first verse you also went with the fail/bail rhyme, which I thought was a little forced as well. So I thought this section was weaker than the rest of the song, overall. I liked the way you addressed the subtle elements of your pokemon in the song. It was very fitting with the theme and also with your pokemon type. @Aurora - Castleglass Spoiler I’ve always been impressed with your word choice. But most importantly i’ve been impressed by how innovative your entries and concepts are. I think that you have always presented very variated and different approaches to the challenges that I didn’t think of, not only conceptually but execution wise as well. I really liked this idea of making a song where there are two voices to represent the internal fight that goes on within the protagonist’s mind. I think it’s a great interpretation of it. The constant exchange of words and thoughts between the two sides of one person is a really clever idea. I loved the way you were very consistent with the sand element throughout the whole song. It had a real purpose in the context of the song and it wasn’t just there to fulfill the challenge. Instead, it had a real concise meaning that added to the story. I also want to point out the couplet “I’ve tried to build a castle from the debris of the reef / But no one seems to want to understand what’s underneath” I really loved that! Now, on the other side, I do have to say that maybe the execution of the concept was not the most effective. Because it felt that instead of having a conflict between these two sides (white and blue) they were only emphasizing what the other side said. For example you mentioned the debris on the white side and then the blue side kind of explained what were those debris but in a superficial way (torturous ghosts, thorns of roses, etc) and I would’ve liked it better if the blue side went more into detail to feel like it was really adding something more to the story and elevating it by letting us go deeper into it. Another minor thing that left me a bit confused was the castle made of pain being swept by waves of doubt, I didn’t really understand what you tried to say with that :( I believe the concept was great, the white side was very well written and had some great lines! I don’t think the blue side was bad at all, but I also don’t think that it added a lot to the story in the end. @OreGuy - the afterglow Spoiler Oh, I liked this interpretation of your pokemon and I’m really happy that you connected it to a personal experience. I’m sorry to read that you’re going through difficult times though. I genuinely hope things start to get better, or at least that you can come to terms with this reality. I really liked the way you went with a complete and fully realized concept. I think this song is way better than the one you wrote last week; not only because it has some great lines but also because the story development was clearer and I think it would be easier for the reader to complete understand it. I would like to highlight the “lock you inside a dark castle chamber in chains / with nothing but guilt in your head / the windows are shut so your scream can't be heard”. I think those lines could be perfect for an actual song! They are really good and they read so smoothly and natural. Loved that! I do think that the prechorus could’ve been a little different because it feels like it was done shorter than the verses so it could read as catchier. But when you cut your words, it limits you from expressing yourself completely. So it felt rather superficial. And I think a song really benefits from how deep you let us see. I also felt like the bridge was probably the weakest part of the song. It wasn’t bad, it was nice actually. But it felt a little disconnected from the rest of the song. The transitions between the sections were smooth and made sense. But the bridge just didn’t fit as well. It felt a little vague, and too metaphorical. @funnellegs - The Seafarer Spoiler I honestly love the simplicity of this concept. It sounds kind of like a fantasy concept since it focuses mainly on Lapras doing something for their trainer but the thing is it resonates with me A LOT. And I think it could resonate with a lot of people too. We all have abilities and know different pleasures of life that many others don’t, so it is such a beautiful thing to witness when you can share a moment of said marvel with a loved one. It’s so beautiful. Honestly, this was so gorgeous and I really wish this was longer. It me me feel something really joyful. I think I would like you to make a longer version if you feel like there is something more to be said. But yeah, I’m just saying that because I just wanted to keep reading more and more! @8thPrince - I’m Happy You’re Going To Hell Spoiler I honestly really liked the choices you made in this song. I always love to see variations of the choruses when there’s going to be a fully developed story because it gives the writer more field to expand the story to their convenience. And i think you did a great job with that here since there were very notorious variations but the rhythm/essence of the chorus was present in all 3 of them. I really liked the narrative and the whole pace of the song. I think it was very well written and every section represents a clear part of the story in a very concise way which lets the reader follow the story with no problem. It also stays very engaging throughout the entirety of the song. It kept me interested and invested all the time! I feel a little conflicted by saying this because I know it’s a necessary part to the story but I just felt like the first verse and chorus were not up to par with the following ones. I know its purpose was to build a setting and let the reader immerse into the world, but at the same time I feel like you could’ve gone further to really wow me since the very beginning because I know you have what it takes to do that! When I first read the title I thought this was going to be a vengeful, resentful type of entry so it was a nice surprise to see that it was the total opposite. It’s so twisted but cute at the same time how you are celebrating that you’re are both going to face the same doom. Really interesting, clever and relatable! <3 Edited September 15, 2020 by ughgabriel
Dessy Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 18 hours ago, Overprotected said: Coming for SAFE - VERY LOW [2]
Hug Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 Well firstly, I would like to thank you for the recognition of the polish in the entry. Typically, I'll write a song then I'll read it over once or twice just to fix a couple words, but this song has gone through a couple rewrites and I picked at it for days even after sending. To see that effort wasn't wasted alone was Anyway, I suppose I could have let the end bleed into fall, but I was kinda already pushing it with ending on Summer. I wanted the song to end on Spring, but I just couldn't do that and have it feel like the most fitting conclusion. I can see where you're coming from, but it was just a bit too far from my original vision, as I did the seasons in order of Sawsbuck's name. Still, I very much appreciate your comments, as usual!
Speezy Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 (edited) Edited September 15, 2020 by Speezy
firecrotch Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 @ughgabriel your review was just ? thank you!!
firecrotch Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 Album Title: TBD 1. 2. 3. Meet Again 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. Japanese Target Deluxe Addition: 1. high line
8thPrince Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 hmm seems like consensus so far was I started too soft! Thank you for the reviews @ughgabriel
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