Hug Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 1 hour ago, ceremonials said: I still dont have much but i plan to submit within the next 24 ish hours Please penalize this man with -24 ranking
ughgabriel Posted August 29, 2020 Author Posted August 29, 2020 IMPORTANT MESSAGE well, kinda I will not be posting your songs on this thread because I know this experience might be therapeutic for a lot of people, so we tend to share really personal stuff about our lives in the songs we write. I encourage you to share them and would love if you did, it will let people get to see your skills as a writer and even get some feedback if you'd like. But it is a decision only you guys can take whether you want to share them or not. Let's all be respectful and supportive with each other <3
Prisoner Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 there's so many great entries its hard to come up with reviews
Prisoner Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) This is my first time ever judging these games and I don't know if my reviews are the best they can be. So please feel free to inquire me if you need any clarity or even correct me if I misunderstood a lyric or anything @Posh Spice @Glassmouth @hurricane326 @Ampersand13 @Hug @8thPrince @firecrotch @OreGuy @TROPICUM @luckystrike @funnellegs REVIEWS PT. I posh spice - "Fen'harel" Spoiler I googled Fen'harel to see what it could be and found myself intrigued. So let us see what your entry is all about ? I really like the concept here. This entry feels so rustic and mythical and also a bit mysterious which I love. I think you selected the setting well and developed it quite nice too. Your word choices for the verses are really good. I love the use of 'heart turning to stone', 'grove', 'shadow', 'meadow', etc. since they all really add to the mysterious fantasy vibe of this song. I love that all of the objects/concepts used in this song contribute to the imagery and were not random stuff unrelated to the theme. The bridge is definitely the standout for me. The wolf chasing the character through the woods, then the wolf catching up to the character and then asking said character to set them free makes a really good story. I really love the pacing of the narration here; how fast it is, and how this pacing also reflects the state of mind of the character. Then we go to the character reaching out to console the wolf's pain and then we switch to a slower vibe with the 'close eyes' repetition. This section is wonderfully done in my opinion. (also did this character make love with the wolf in verse 2? :thing:) This entry suffered from some drawbacks though. The phrase 'heads connected like bone' does not provide a good mental picture. Maybe this is related to 'Fen'harel', I don't know, but I feel like that line could've been phrased better. I also spoke about how I loved the mysteriousness of this entry but I think adding a little more detail would've helped a lot. I get that the feeling of being lost is supposed to be prevalent throughout the song but there's not enough context in there to make me actually care about this character. The chorus is also a bit underwhelming. I do love the repetition but it's basically just two lines and they don't really say anything much. Overall, I love the setting and vibe of this entry. The concept is one of the standouts of this round. The bridge is also a great moment. The song is a bit confusing however and some of the sections would have benefitted with added clarity. Favourite line(s): "The wolf chases me through the trees, My dress drags as I step on dead leaves, My feet ache as I run for the running stream, Corners me and falls at my feet, says “set me free,” " Glassmouth - "remember?" Spoiler This entry is so personal and so delicate. There's so much pain and emotion behind your lyrics. Heartbreak sucks, I hope you're doing okay. I love the raw emotions you brought with this. It's just you spilling out your thoughts and feelings line after line and nothing else. There's a really intimate touch to this entry. It's very hard for me to write about feelings that are too real so I really admire people who can do that. The whole song is you asking that person if they "remember" and I like that you stuck with that concept without straying anywhere else. The 2nd verse is also quite good. These two lines: "remember the days when we danced alongside each other/ look into our souls and cried for one another" really stood out to me. I really felt that couplet. However there's a few you could improve on. While the entry does have some good moments like the verses, the 1st chorus on the other hand is too plainly stated and underdeveloped. This fails to bring out the exact feelings you're trying to convey to the reader. If you look at the two lines I mentioned above, they work and they're really good because you're adding something that was unique to you. This is not the case for the 1st chorus. You're asking this person to remember these things like 'the tears', 'the rage', 'the fury', etc. and without some added context, it was hard to feel the emotions you were trying to express. You could add more details in, like for instance, expanding on all those emotions in this chorus by adding some lines in the verses or maybe adding another verse. (I love the 2nd chorus though) The chorus would also read much better if you added another 'remember the' right around the middle so that there can be some room for breathing while reading. Overall, I appreciate that you sent in an entry that is personal to you. There's room for improvement though, however, some of the standout lines here shows that you have the talent and creativity to come up with an exceptional song far better than you think you ever could. Favourite line(s): "remember the days when we danced alongside each other look into our souls and cried for one another" hurricane326 - "The Journey" Spoiler I read your first entry before this and I really loved that one so when I saw that you had sent a new one, I was like bitch tf? But then I read this one and well… it's even better. Much much better tbh. I'm actually shook. Anyway let me get into the actual review. The opening is wonderfully done. You started with a 'dying dandelion in the wind' and that, I think, immediately sucks the reader right into the imagery. I love that this very first line sets up the whole mood and theme for the rest of the song. The feeling of being weak and fatigued is present throughout the song and this opening line really compacted that thought. Then the next few lines also really HIT with the dandelion not being able to separate from the earth. The yearning for freedom to just roam the skies but also knowing that it eventually will have to come back to earth is so well depicted. This first stanza is just wonderfully beautiful. I also love how the next two stanzas narrate these tragic scenes of toiling away without any sense of conscience. Unlike the first stanza, these are more grim in the sense that compared to the dandelion, these ants and bees do not possess the desire for freedom or any sense of thinking other than their biological duties. But it also made me think of what I would rather choose if I had to between the two. Would I be the dandelion wishing for freedom but knowing I'm still trapped in a cycle or would I rather be these ants and bees oblivious to the cycle I'm trapped in? I love how you presented these scenes which are still somewhat similar to the first one but also with a distinct difference. Then the 4th stanza took me like a storm (:eli:) especially due to the introduction of the first person narrative. The entry (at that point) led you to believe that this was a lyric narrated by an omniscient voice but this shift from the 3rd person to the 1st person immediately made it real and personal. It was this person who watched all these scenes happening and it was this person who did the personifying of the dandelion, the ants and the bees. The use of the phrase, 'state of disregard' in this stanza really depicts well the mentality of the narrator. The ending is also cleverly done with how it's showed that it was the narrator who was pausing his journey to observe the 'journey' of others. I only have a few nitpicks. I feel like you could've used either one of the 2nd and 3rd stanza and strengthened that one rather than use the both of them since both have the same meaning/take away. Then you could have three exceptionally strong stanzas rather than the awesomeness of the middle part being split in two. (It's still really good either way. Just a thought.) I am also not too fond of the use of 'toiled' in the 2nd stanza. I think it would've read much more beautiful if used as an adjective instead of a noun. "Toiled souls" for instance sounds much better. And the last line in the 3rd stanza could've been "The search for more shall again commence" since that would feel more in sync with the language you're using. I think you did that to end all the stanzas with the word 'again' but you've already proved your point of 'again' by that line already so a little switch up wouldn't have hurt. Overall, I am in love with this entry. I love how you used all these different scenes to lay out a message. And please, if in case it looks like otherwise, know that the positives I have about this here far outweighs the negatives cause they do. I'm genuinely captivated by this. Well done. Favourite line(s): "The dying dandelion in the wind She cannot separate from him She fragments, rides the current away She wants no more but to stay Yet she descends to Earth once more For no matter her cries to the skies implored She knows he will, but knows not when He will catch hold of her again" Ampersand13 - "Fake Love" Spoiler I'm glad that you sent a full actual song because while this is just a lyric writing competition, it's still nice to see entries from real musicians. And even though I think this is a bop, I'll have to judge your entry based on the lyrics alone since that's what we're focusing on here. (unrelated but i was screaming when you came out with an actual heart in the MV :jonny:) I think it goes without saying that the meter and technique is perfect since this is already a legit bop as a song. You clearly know your way around the technical aspect. I love the IDGAF attitude you brought with this. I think the lyrics really capture the mood of the song. I love verse 2 especially due to the whole 'taking back myself' moment. I think it builds up nicely from the 1st verse. My absolute favourite part of the song though has to be "I'd rather sleep with happiness..." I don't really know why but that line really hit me. There's a hint of loneliness behind those words which makes for a really nice juxtaposition with the said line. There's a few issues however. The lyrics seem a bit too generic at parts. There's also a few cliches in here that could've been replaced by better phrases. I also feel like some of the lines are thrown in there randomly and so don't make much sense. (You don't need to have meaningful lyrics in actual pop songs, I know it's almost impossible to maintain good lyrics when words are set to a pop track.) Overall, I like this song for the breakup anthem it is. The energy is everything we want in a pop song. However, I think this entry could really be elevated with stronger lyrics. Favourite line(s): "I'd rather sleep with happiness alone than spend another night by your bedpost" Hug - "Rainbow of the Night" Spoiler Let me start by saying that this entry gives me huge KPOP vibes. It's just so vibrant, so bright, so colourful and so pleasant, I love it. And this very choice of aesthetic is wonderfully made cause the theme is quite literally the opposite of that. The contrast between the visuals and the theme adds a nice new layer to the song. I like the progression between the two verses. In the first verse/pre chorus, the narrator looks like they're unsure of themselves and is afraid of everything. This is perfectly followed up by the 'claim this moment' in the 2nd pre chorus which wouldn't have been strong on its own, but due to the 1st verse and pre chorus, became a powerful moment. I like that you took your time to gradually progress the narrative. The chorus is also really good. I can almost literally see the colours floating past by. I love 'stretch of road' here, it adds so much to the visual I can almost literally see headlights trailing. It's also really good just for the fact that this chorus could also stand on its own. You could have a different verse and still use this chorus and it would still have the same impact. I love the universality you brought with this. The 2nd verse is the highlight of the song for me. It's so beautifully written and so excellent at that. I love every single thing about this. I don't have enough words to express just how much I love this section so I'll just say, you did that. I do think this song has some down moments though. I believe the first stanza could be much stronger. The metaphor in the 2nd line works for the narrative but doesn't in terms of imagery. You used this bright neon visual for the rest of the song so the 'hamster' feels kinda out of place. Maybe you could've gone with something like 'confusing traffic lights' or 'hazy roundabouts' or something like that. I think you get the idea. I also think the outro was a bit unnecessary. It's still good, really, but it doesn't add anything more to the song. I feel like what you're trying to express in the outro has already been done in pre chorus 2. Maybe the outro did add a little bit more clarity to the resolution and maybe just the first stanza of the outro could work but the 'ending' was already implied in the aforementioned pre chorus so I don't think it was really needed. Overall I love the visuals you used for this song and how it complements the theme you're going for. It reads like an actual POP song and I can almost hear the synths and bass drops and the colours and everything. Favourite line(s): "And if it rains, that’s fine with me I’ll just tap along my wheel to its steady beat Rain drips down slowly, I’ll go slower still I won’t gasp for air, I’ll walk over the hill" 8th Prince - "Dashing Penguin" Spoiler Yes! Go Mr. Penguin! This entry is so cute and heartwarming, I am absolutely in love with this. This is one of the most engaging SOTS entries I've ever read. Verse 1 is executed amazingly. The setting up of this penguin character by contrasting him to the fast and dangerous beasts of the jungle was a perfect start. It gave me this picture of a stubby penguin trying his best to match his superiors. There's so much to love here. The chorus is just wonderful. It's just so motivational while also having multiple layers of emotions in it. Your word choices were amazing, they were all very consistent with the penguin imagery. I think this exact chorus worked so well because of your use of the 2nd person narrative. The choice of writing this song in the 2nd person was simply brilliant. I certainly believe the lines would not have the same impact if they were written in the 1st person. My absolute favourite section however has to be the 2nd pre chorus. It has the emotions and perfect imagery all packed in four lines. It is also the defining moment of the song for me since it was then that the penguin finally learnt the truth about his real place in the world. This is the part, if this were a movie, when the audience would be tearing up. Well done. The outro is the perfect conclusion to this entry. The rhyming choices were perfect, the imagery was perfect and the ending was perfect. I love this section almost as much as the 2nd pre chorus. I don't really find any major problems with this. If I have to say something however, I'd say that I don't really get why it has to be "plus four years' time" in the 1st pre chorus. There's obviously a context to this so it might have been nice to add or hint on that. I also feel like the bridge could be handled better. The 2nd verse correlated to the 1st verse and the bridge was building up on the 2nd, so I think this section could have benefited more if treated like a verse instead of a bridge. It also got a bit too dark for my taste. (I'm just finding things to criticise here sksks, there's almost really none.) Overall, I think this is the perfect intro of you to me as a writer. You showed skill, creativity and talent I didn't think I'd see in the very first round. Sure, there's one or two things in here I'd have liked different but this is just so engaging and wholesome and emotional that I can't help but stan. Favourite line(s): "I can’t even picture how much you futilely cried When you jumped and learned for the very first time Not all of the creatures who walk the Earth Can make a home out the sky" and "You might think that you just go unnoticed: But I spotted you slashing through the aquamarine Go! Take flight, my dashing penguin! You’re the fastest that I’ve ever seen" firecrotch - "high line" Spoiler I've dealt with similar issues before, so this entry really means a lot to me. I appreciate you turning those experiences into lyrics, I know how hard it is to write about stuff that are too real. Starting with the opening, I think this is quite catchy. I like that it immediately helped me slide into the song without having to try. Onto the verses, I think they're quite good. I love the narration here. The building up of the story between the two verses is nicely done. The way you alluded to how you'll lose recognition of 'that man' in verse 2 by mentioning their lost smiles in verse 1 was so good. It really made the progression natural and also greatly strengthened the 2nd verse. I love the connections you placed between these two verses. My favourite parts of the song are definitely the chorus and the bridge. I love the switch up from the verses to the chorus and the bridge. The way you used the longer lines in the verses to narrate this story and then shortening the lines in the chorus and bridge was really effective. Using these longer lines to build up a story and then getting the point across with these shorter lines was a really good choice. The bridge is very blunt and simple but also very true which makes it quite effective. I love how these two sections perfectly depicts a side of the whole 'high' experience. There's a few nitpicks I have with this. Some of the lines, like for instance, the 5th line of verse one felt a bit clunky. The rhyming of 'At' and 'that' also feels forced. There's also other issues I have like phrasing but most of these are minor. I also think the entry would benefit a lot with a bit more polish. Overall, I love the realness of this entry. And while I don't think this is a bad entry at all, I also believe this could be a lot better and some of the amazing lines here shows that. Favourite line(s): "little limelight on the high line try hard it could last this time" OreGuy - "Art Capital" Spoiler Yes come through, ARTPOP entry! I don't know if this was your aim but I'm getting some bjork meets artpop vibe with this song. (I'm literally listening to Jewels and Drugs as I write this shhh) The verses are the best part of the song for me. The AABCCB rhyming pattern was beautifully done. It was particularly nice to read these two sections. The lines all feel so natural and they all flow so well. I love how you create these brief scenes with as little words as possible. The chorus is also quite good. I love the simplicity here. I also love this part mainly for its use of 'let's' since it actually feels like you're inviting me, the reader, to your 'art capital'. These two lines: "they can only stare, you'll have the rights / there's nothing to fear, let's make art tonight" at the end of the bridge was also a defining moment. I love how they perfectly encapsulated the vibe of the song. However there's a few things this entry could improve on. While I do like the minimalism you served with this, I feel like a bigger part of the story was sacrificed for the sake of aesthetic. Like if we look at the bridge, you have all these lines which doesn't really build up upon one another. You start by describing this 'carved out marbles' which had the potential to be the start of a great bridge but then you threw in lines about 'midnight glory' and being their 'territory', and that made the bridge go in a confusing direction. Besides that, the pre chorus could've also benefited from a tighter meter. That post chorus in the end was also not needed. It didn't add anything more than what we already have in the chorus. I think it could be a really great outro if this were sung and not just lyrics. But in this case, the chorus would've been the best way to finish your song and would've felt more consistent with the writing style you used here. Overall, I like the artistic approach you brought with this (both stylistically and conceptually). I believe however that this entry could be a lot better with a bit more polish and a tighter meter (which is especially important when the lines are as brief as we have here.) The entry itself is not bad at all and I believe it has the potential to be a really great song with some refining. Favourite line(s): "home grown, homemade little steps to regenerate call me mister wonder" TROPICUM - "Cycle In Repeat" Spoiler Okay here's an actual dark bop. This entry is quite different from the other entries so far. I love the diversity you brought with this. I like how the intro immediately sets the mood for the song. I love the line "my mouth is spewing blood and foam" so much. I don't really know why but it's just so dark and gothic, I just love it. I'm a big fan of bloody imagery and that line just works. It really helped set the mood. I think the chorus is pretty amazing. I love how it really depicts the feeling of being stuck in this cycle of unnatural love yet still loving every moment of it. I also love how your song 'replays' in the background while you're relieving these memories. It makes the scene so much more real. This section is the standout of the song for me. I especially love the creepiness and sad vibe of this song. It reminds me of Radiohead's 'Creep' a bit, which I think is a really amazing song, but with a twist here. It's a really nice touch. The bridge especially is really great at this portraying this specific vibe. I have a few issues with this entry however. I said I loved the intro for how well it sets the mood for the song. But some of the lines here were a bit awkward. 'My mouth is spewing blood and foam' is a really nice line but I don't really know how well it works as a metaphor (I assume this line isn't meant to be literal.) And 'Your feet were standing on my porch' could've been 'You had your feet on my porch', or 'You were standing here on my porch' since it's always the case that we stand on our feet so you didn't need to specify that. The verses could also benefit from added clarity. I don't really get how some of the lines contribute to the narrative. Some of these feel like random imagery without any real substance within. Overall, I love the dark emo vibe you brought with this. I do think the song has a few drawbacks but it actually gets better upon each re read so it has the potential to age well. Favourite line(s): "Sad to inform The cycle is in repeat, My heart skips a beat And I sing my love away Reliving our memories With our song in replay" luckystrike - "New Year's Eve" Spoiler I'll begin by saying that I really love the personal diary-like entry you brought with this. The use of a specific event, like 'New Year's Eve' always helps make songs special. I love how you talked about living pictures in the 1st stanza of the 1st verse. Photographs are always great literary devices since they can say so much. I think you managed this scene really well. Those memories are moments in the past but the use of pictures really hit the point of the memories still lingering in the present. The chorus is also really nice with a perfect balance between the storytelling and the expression of feelings. The 2nd section of the chorus is the standout of the song for me. It references the past while "sitting on the couch" in the present. It makes for a really beautiful and emotional scene. I think the repetition is also nicely done. I love that this part exists to summarise the sentiment of the song and is not just there for repetition's sake. I believe there's some flaws in here though. The line 'Suddenly, out of nowhere you’re still roaming on my mind' was awkwardly phrased. The action was supposed to be 'sudden' and 'out of nowhere' so it'd have worked better if you went like, ''Suddenly, out of nowhere, you're back to roaming my mind" or something along those lines I also feel like you could've gone with a different bridge. The lines here all build up to express the exact same sentiment you had in the chorus so a tiny twist or something unexpected here would've helped a lot. Overall, I think this is a really good entry with a nice balance between the emotions and the story. There's some phrasing in here that could've gone better but I think this is still a good song as is. Favourite line(s): "What we shared was the best thing I could’ve had Now I’m sitting on the couch in New Year’s Eve I still miss you and I wish you would be here" funnellegs - "That Day In June" Spoiler I think we have a lot of personal songs this round and I love it since they always have something to say about someone's essence as a writer. It's very hard to write about serious issues so I thank you for opening up to us. This entry is very dark and heartbreaking. I won't get into the details like I do for the other song so I'll just talk about technical stuff and the overall take away I get from this. I think this entry perfectly describes the events you're narrating. This song shows me that you're a master at narration. I can sense a part of the pain by just reading your words alone. The 2nd verse particularly was the best part at this. The flow of the song is also very natural. I don't really have much negatives to say about this. There's a few nitpicks I have here like word choices but with an entry as delicate as this, I think the flaws actually help the entry rather than bring it down. I'm not even kidding here. The imperfections are what made this song even more perfect. Sorry if that sounded a bit pretentious but I genuinely believe the tiny flaws this entry has has helped elevate it even more than it'd be without them. Overall, I thank you for submitting this entry and sharing the experience that you had. It's so hard to actually come up with a good song when the emotions are too intense and too complex but you did and the song was more than amazing so I commend you on that. Great great work. Favourite line(s): The entire chorus and the 2nd verse. Edited August 30, 2020 by Prisoner
Kelp Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 Holy **** the level of detail in these reviews Remind me to submit in the first batch next time though
Hug Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 I haven't read my review yet BUT I really enjoy this formatting because I like reading everyone else's reviews before my own :x it's easier when everyone has an individual spoiler tag. <3
firecrotch Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 Thank you @prisoner for the review! I’m glad it resonated with you. I’m really impressed with how detailed the judges are reviewing all the songs. So glad I joined
Hug Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 Okay I read all the reviews (including my own!) So I think you have a point with the hamster in the wheel. It doesn't fit the rest of the song. At the time, it seemed like the most apt way to describe what I was going for, but I think your idea of making that more fitting for the imagery (like something to do with traffic) would've been great! As for the outro...yeah i can see how it'd be redundant. I suppose I wanted it there because verse/prechorus/chorus/verse/prechorus/chorus seemed too short to me and left without resolution, so I wanted something that actually concluded the arc, but the resolution just restating the second verse isn't doing that. I'm (pleasantly!) surprised you felt it read like a real pop song, because pop writing is something I feel I'm really strong at, and being able to convey melodies and such with just the lyrics is something I take pride in. I didn't think it did much myself, but I've been dragging this song all week so I really appreciate how you went over everything you felt in such a thorough manner, it must be exhausting (actually, I know it is...) but I do really appreciate it and I HOPE the others do too because it's so mentally draining kjndfsdfs once again, THANK you!
Prisoner Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 46 minutes ago, firecrotch said: Thank you @prisoner for the review! I’m glad it resonated with you. I’m really impressed with how detailed the judges are reviewing all the songs. So glad I joined
Prisoner Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 21 minutes ago, Hug said: Okay I read all the reviews (including my own!) So I think you have a point with the hamster in the wheel. It doesn't fit the rest of the song. At the time, it seemed like the most apt way to describe what I was going for, but I think your idea of making that more fitting for the imagery (like something to do with traffic) would've been great! As for the outro...yeah i can see how it'd be redundant. I suppose I wanted it there because verse/prechorus/chorus/verse/prechorus/chorus seemed too short to me and left without resolution, so I wanted something that actually concluded the arc, but the resolution just restating the second verse isn't doing that. I'm (pleasantly!) surprised you felt it read like a real pop song, because pop writing is something I feel I'm really strong at, and being able to convey melodies and such with just the lyrics is something I take pride in. I didn't think it did much myself, but I've been dragging this song all week so I really appreciate how you went over everything you felt in such a thorough manner, it must be exhausting (actually, I know it is...) but I do really appreciate it and I HOPE the others do too because it's so mentally draining kjndfsdfs once again, THANK you! i should've specified this in the review but the outro wasn't actually a down moment (sorry for using that word to group that section btw im sure you understand how sometimes we run out of words and use something harsher than we actually meant to) but it was my personal preference that it not be there and yes its so exhausting but its the first round and we have a few new faces here so i wanted to be as thorough as possible
8thPrince Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 @Prisoner I'm happy you found it wholesome! To explain the "four years' time" line, I wanted to hint that the penguin is a metaphor, I picked four years because that's the average length of high school and college: so they're sort of saying there "I've been to school and back but you're still doing the same things in the same place from when I last saw you".
dweebz Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 I’m patiently waiting for my panning. Do people get eliminated from this game? And if so, how many?
Prisoner Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 7 hours ago, 8thPrince said: @Prisoner I'm happy you found it wholesome! To explain the "four years' time" line, I wanted to hint that the penguin is a metaphor, I picked four years because that's the average length of high school and college: so they're sort of saying there "I've been to school and back but you're still doing the same things in the same place from when I last saw you". yea that makes so much sense. ty
Prisoner Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 4 minutes ago, Rence said: Pls what is this thats gabe and auburn reading your entry
Rence Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 1 minute ago, Prisoner said: thats gabe and auburn reading your entry so this is you reading it
Prisoner Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 Just now, Rence said: so this is you reading it :kii2impoverise: yes
?????? Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 Now I'm starting to regret putting the rap part in. Sounds so tacky and Bad Blood'd Hope the judges didn't pass away from the cringe of reading my sing
ughgabriel Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 BATCH 2 Spoiler @funnellegs - That Day In June I think I understand what this song is about. And whether it is about that or not, it seems it really had an effect on you. I’m grateful because you trusted us enough to share this. I hope this song helps you heal. When reading this song I got a glimpse of emptiness and hopelessness. So I feel like you channeled the emotion pretty effectively. I would like to highlight the way the flow and lyricism shine on the bridge. I think that was the standout for me. I just really loved the first two lines and i think they represent the song in a heartbreaking way. I do have to say that there were times where I felt a little lost because I didn’t know what you were trying to say (“I take him to task”) and others where I did understand what you were saying but the word choices were odd to me (“hungry hands”, I understood the meaning, but it still felt weird). I would’ve liked to see a little more conciseness because I times I felt like I was not getting the whole story. Which at the same time is understandable, because I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you to explicitly narrate this traumatic experience. But I do think that talking about it could help you heal. Good job! Can’t wait to see what’s next! @?????? - Unpretty Little Liar I definitely got the anger from this song. There is a clear despise towards this person and it shows, so good job on projecting that emotion. I think you presented a lot of choices but you weren’t really consistent with them, which I think would’ve made your song stand out a lot more. I feel like this devilish, ritualistic imagery that you presented at times gave the song some uniqueness, but I felt like you just threw a couple of those elements here and there, and then you forgot about them. There were some rhymes that I didn’t necessarily appreciate because I don’t think they were smooth or natural. They felt really forced. “newcomer / utter”, “hypocrite / meet and greet”. And there was also some repetition that didn’t add anything to the story (“all you do is lie and lie and lie”). And even the yeah’s don’t add anything to the story either. I think the main problem I had with this entry is that I think the word choices were not very believable and felt rather forced. And the inconsistent imagery was also a problem. However, I do think that you have a lot of potential that could use some finessing. I think what I would like you to do is to stick to one choice and go all the way with it because I think you have some great ideas! A solid debut from you and I can’t wait to see more! @Aurora - Signs Well, well, well! I want to start off by saying that I am so sorry that you’re going through a difficult time with a person that has a big role in your life. I know it’s never easy, I’m really glad this helped you to get some of your emotions out. Honestly, this is really great! Very engaging. I was reading the whole entry and every line was a perfect continuation to the previous one. It felt like it was perfectly crafted. The verses were so well written with a lot unique, outstanding choices and the prechorus felt like a real lyrical moment with those internal rhyme moments. I love the whole idea behind this song. There are times where we’re looking for signs, or maybe we’re not even looking for them but when we see these little things we get reminded of something or someone. And unconsciously we take as if the world was trying to tell us something. A lot of people can relate to this song, I believe. I sure did. If I had to nitpick on something, it would be that maybe I would’ve liked something on the chorus. It’s good and I think it serves its purpose, but I believe the other sections of your song were so strong that the chorus might not be on the same level. A great beginning for you! Can’t wait to see what kind of surprises you’re about to bring to this competition. @Rence - video games Aw, Rence. Honestly these kind of stories always move me, I don’t know why but there’s is something about childhood innocence and nostalgia that just hits me. Even if I don’t have any memories that are similar to these stories :( I really loved the way you painted the picture when you started the song. You two opening presents as the beginning of your new adventure was just so heartwarming and captivating. I loved the way you narrated the progression of the story. It felt very natural and it worked really well. I really enjoyed the contrasts between childhood and adulthood on your verses. I think it was also very effective how you tied that concept of growing to going back to reality instead of the virtual haven you had with your brother. The second chorus, which happens to be the last section was my favorite so you ended on a great note! I do believe the song got better with each section, to be honest. I also have to say that i thought some of the words choices were a little debatable. You know the modern connotation of the word “slay” might not play on your favor when trying to use it on a serious context. I think there could’ve been some editing on some lines too “lingering hopes and dreams”, I feel like you used both words to make the meter perfect but I feel like it actually would’ve worked better if you just used dreams. Overall this is a really strong entry! And I hope you can play video games with your brother again <3 @dweebz - PHOENIX I liked that you had a strong vision of how your song would sound like and you decided you send an instrumental to complement the entry. I think this is really cute and it’s well written overall. There’s a clean thematic and a rhyme scheme that you went with which feels very consistent and natural. I think your whole lyricism was consistent as well and it made perfect sense given the narrative of the story. But I honestly feel like this was pretty safe. There was anything new brought to the table, I know that when it comes to songs, the metaphors and lyrics that artists go with are pretty simple and kind of same-y. But since we’re focusing on lyricism here, I believe that you can dare to be a lot more adventurous. I’m not trying to say that this was bad. Because it wasn’t. But I feel like the phoenix metaphor has been used many times before, so I feel like if you’re going to use a common metaphor or theme, you have to add your own flair or twist to it. You said this song was about overcoming self doubt, so I feel like you could’ve given the reader a little more of your story of maybe where the self doubt came from, adding some details about your story to let us know what is different from it, and what makes it yours. We need to see your identity in the song. Well done. Hope you let yourself take a new risk <3 @Overprotected - Companion There is something about your word choices that I really like, they are quite unique but they feel very natural. I don’t feel like any words here were chosen for the sole purpose of rhyming or to sound good. They just work very well! The choice of not having a chorus is clever, I believe because it lets you write a continuous story without having to tie everything together to a central idea. Which, i think, is what artists usually do for intros. I really liked the first couplet. It was very intriguing and I feel like the simplicity of it helped to give it different layers and dimensions because it could mean a lot of different things, and while you explained it later with the following lines, that specific couple can resonate with people in a lot of different ways. The way the lines and couplets are written and presented are very effective, I think. But I also feel like there’s a lack of connection between them. The transitions,, story-wise, don’t feel as smooth as i wish they would. I felt like we were jumping from one point of the story to another without the continuity that I would’ve liked to see. I think I would like to see more focus on your ideas, but this was really good overall. I really enjoyed it and I was impressed with how good you word choices were. Good job! See you next week <3 @selena_lavigne - Love Yourself First Okay, the first chorus really caught me off guard! We love a risk taker and a confident writer! I honestly really enjoy the comedic route people tend to take in this game. I feel like it’s lighthearted and enjoyable. I think you were ambitious with the way you tried to merge these two sides, the emotionality and the comedic part. I have to say that there were times where I thought they weren’t very effective. For example, I thought you were setting the tone for the song with the first verse and the pre chorus, it had more of an emotional approach so when you presented the first chorus, the transition in the theme was very abrupt. I was rather confused. I think from the second verse and on, things are more digestible because the story is congruent in all those sections. I especially liked the two lines on the bridge because of its satirical nature. The way it’s starts as if you were going to say something extremely deep as to why you’re awake late in the night, and then you just drop the bomb. I screamed. I think it could also benefit you if you had a rhythmic element to your song. For example, you had rhymes on some sections of the song but on others, the rhyme scheme would just disappear. So I would like you be consistent with the choices that you make! Try reading it aloud and that’ll help you perceive if the lines flow well, if they need something else; if they sound good or not. Nice work! Hoping to see you take more of these risks! @Dessy - Till the Violin Plays I think there was a clear stylistic choice here. I think I could easily picture this being a rap song from the flow and rhythm it has on verses. I really enjoyed the first verse and I thought it was really focused. You went with a specific idea and you played around it while tying everything together. I liked the addition of very specific sounds because it was fitting to the theme of what sounds may represent: the violins, the sax, wedding bells. There were some choices that you took that I appreciate that you were consistent with them, for example the mentioning of the tent on the first verse and then the camping on the second. I noticed the consistency there so points for that! What I had a problem with is that I didn’t really understand if that was supposed to be a metaphor for something, or why did you choose to go with that. I think it the intention of the symbology could’ve been a little clearer. Or maybe I’m just oblivious and didn’t catch it! I do think that there were some odd word choices/forced rhymes (“ride his quad”, the yin/kin rhyme, one/one rhyme), so that also took me out of the story at certain times. And I think that was another reason why I didn’t fully understand what you were trying to say. Because you chose some words that didn’t fully describe or narrate the story in a very digestible way where the reader could understand the intention and the direction of your words. Well done overall! Your concepts are very original, I’m looking forward to what you’re going to bring next! @Lucky#17 - Different Angles I really like this concept of creating or imagining stories for each person that crosses your path. It’s quite exciting. It’s really interesting to think what lies inside other people’s minds and how their lives are. Such a mystery; very enigmatic and thought provoking. I really liked the way you start presenting the way you perceive these things around and how your curiosity moves you to start imagining or wondering about the situations of the people that surround you. The transition on the prechorus when you start talking about the possibilities of how their lives are is quite effective as well. Presenting the idea of what moves you and then showing us the actions you take or the thoughts that are in your head. I think the chorus is great, super concise and I believe it really works as the central piece of your song. It sums up the whole concept in a very effective way and it’s just really interesting and unique. I feel like the first half of the song was definitely stronger than the second. I don’t think the second verse and prechorus add much to the story nor do they give the song more layers. It kind of repeats the idea from the first half, so I think I would’ve like to see more development of the concept on the second half. I also felt that the way you phrased some lines was a little odd because when reading it aloud it didn’t sound too well/the flow was off at times so it was hard to find a pace or a rhythm for it. I think you had some really good ideas and you showed a lot of potential! I would like to see you developing your skills even further! Good job!! @Temporal - D I find your title to be very intriguing. Now I feel like I’m craving something, I just can’t pinpoint what it is. You know, I’ve always thought that when someone takes the risk to write a lengthy song there’s room for a lot of standout moments, but also for a lot of flaws. And I have to say that you excelled with entry! I really loved the approach you took for this topic. The way you used this metaphor for the coming out experience was really outstanding. I believe that this process is really complex and you were able to give your song a lot of different layers to really showcase the peaks and the valleys of this experience. The freedom that comes from it; the feeling of being exposed; people turning their backs on you; denial; resignation; hopelessness; fullfilment. There’s a lot to dig in here. There is this really great choice that you made where your verses are more complex to portray the way some people still don’t understand how things are difficult for us in a social environment. As well as how these emotions are very complex as well and only people like us, who suffer from any form of segregation, could understand. And then you used a more simplistic vocabulary and word choices for your chorus because that section is aimed at another fellow member of the community. Which is the person who actually understands your point and all those things that you’re trying to express. It’s those little details that can elevate a song to great heights. Of course there is some gorgeous lyricism here and great choices such as the absence of gravity and the sleep paralysis. But what I’m trying to say is that there are a lot of talented writers here, so those intricate details you add to your song that give it more depth are what will make the difference. So I was very impressed with that. If I had to comment on something that I would’ve liked is maybe that I didn’t think the bridge was as strong as the rest of the song. It was not bad at all, but the constant repetition of “I love / I like” kind of kept losing impact with every time it was being repeated. I understood the message and though it was beautiful, but I thought the way it was delivered was kind of safe compared to the rest. Great entry! Welcome back! @Ampersand13 - Fake Love You were actually supposed to be on the first batch but I honestly struggled a lot to get the lyrics to this song, it was hard for me to understand what you were saying in some parts. So the good part is that I gave you a good amount of streams, but please next time attach the lyrics as well. I’d really appreciate it <3 You should know by now, that on a technical standpoint the song is very correct since you were able to translate it into an actual song. So you got that down! The meter and flow are great, and everything sounds really well. I think that the lyrics really embody the angriness and just the whole realization of being done with not receiving what you’re giving. Reciprocity is an important part of any relationship; whether it is romantic or not. I really liked the mentioning of sobriety and whiskey, because not only does it make me think that it is a metaphor of this being like an addiction but it also gives me the impression that you were using these substances to deal with the lack of reciprocity and the overall problems in the relationship. I have to say that I think there were some lines and ideas that I think could’ve been executed better. I’m not saying that I think the lyrics were bad, but I do feel like the way they were expressed is not something that is fresh or new. So when you’re about to tell us a story of this type, where a lot of people can relate to it, I expect to see something new that is going to make people realize what makes your story different and what makes it yours. You could be more detailed when it comes to what happened in this relationship, you could use a more unique and adventurous metaphor, something to make it really unique. I also believe that when we limit ourselves to write to melodies, it’s very difficult to write a story the way we would like to tell it and we have to cut some words here and there, and use others that could be perceived as filler. So I believe that on the next challenge you will have an opportunity to write something from scratch and go way beyond the surface! Nice job! I’m really happy to see you’re doing something related to music and I hope you continue to grow as an artist. Looking forward to what you write next! @Gay Rat Divorce- Asteroids I really love when people dare to adventure into new territory. So I want to commend you for that. Honestly, at first I was a little skeptical when I read the first verse mostly because of the first line. I thought the use of the word behave was a little odd when talking about a satellite. I understood the idea after I read the following lines, but it was just that word that confused me a bit. Then the chorus came, and it was really pretty. I really think it’s a great representation of your concept and the imagery is just very well used. It represents the elements of your life in a very effective way. I can relate to this a lot and I feel like there is a lot of emotion and truth in the last two lines. There are time where we have a goal in life or there are things that we want to reach, and although we’d like to have a break or just pause our lives for a moment, we realize that the world doesn’t wait for us. So we’re kind of forced to move with it. Another moment that confused me a bit at the beginning was the “solar systems leaving me alone” lyrics but the I realized it was about straying away from what once was your home. And I thought it was really clever given that you went with this space themed concept. As you can see, there were only a few nitpicks here and there, but this entry was great overall. And I thought this is a very great song and it impresses me to think that this is your first attempt to write in a more “complex” style. I can’t wait to see how you further you’ll develop your skills! I also want to highlight the outro. This was the last song that I read for this round so the outro for this song was also the outro for the round. I honestly thought it was magnificent. It was probably my favorite thing that I read this whole round. There is something really haunting, nostalgic, beautiful. It just pulled on my heartstrings and if I’m honest my eyes got watery. Great job! See you next week <3
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