Courtney Love Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 6 hours ago, dweebz said: Let me write this song Chile... My fave planet is Neptune 6 hours ago, dweebz said: CHILE MY SONG! THE BASIC! 6 hours ago, dweebz said: ERM, my song is actually kind of cute. I started crying 5 hours ago, dweebz said: Submitted. Whew, the tears. The twists and turns turn this into a song lmao
Glassmouth Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 21 hours ago, Prisoner said: gabe is a flop wbk. dont mind him we stan tho
Prisoner Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 1 hour ago, Gay Rat Divorce said: Boast the critiques ...soon
Prisoner Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 was about to finish the 1st batch of reviews but my pregnant queen got into labour so you'll all have to wait a bit
dweebz Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 11 hours ago, Courtney Love said: The twists and turns turn this into a song lmao The gag is... that’s what my song is about
Galah Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 Are song teasers and album track lists still a thing? ...no? Well, now they are again, sorry! *** "Now I’m seeing signs Subtle things I know shouldn’t remind me of you But I’m reminded of you"
Galah Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 I should make a proper cover art, that's just a placeholder.
8thPrince Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 15 minutes ago, Aurora said: I should make a proper cover art, that's just a placeholder. i think it's cute, very stylistic -------- I'll TRY to keep doing album art and teasers then since i think it's fun to see everyone's! "They were sharpening their claws on the door to your heart"
ughgabriel Posted August 28, 2020 Author Posted August 28, 2020 BATCH 1 Spoiler @Posh Spice - Fen’harel As a gamer myself, I totally love the inspiration behind your song. I am a strong believer than video games can have the most complex and emotional stories. I think you have a good notion of the structure of a song since your song was easy to read. It had a good flow, meter and the rhyme scheme is there. So you got the basics down, which is a good start! I will say that I kind of wanted a little more from the lyrical content. You went with some interesting rhyme choices which I think were not very successful. At times it seems that you wrote a certain line with the purpose of making it rhyme rather than to actually tell a story. Which makes jump to my next point: the story itself. I want you to be conscious about the fact that your reader might not have any knowledge of what you’re about to talk in your song. So you really need to choose the words to present the story, to let them know what is happening. You’re going to be the teller of the story, and if you’re not clear enough, the reader won’t get to understand what you’re trying to say. So they will miss on the story, the emotion, the purpose. I think the bridge is the best part of the song because it has some very natural and cohesive lines. I believe repetition is not always very beneficial because it takes away an opportunity to write something else, something that could add more to the story. More layers, more depth, more elements. So I think you would want to think about that. Your chorus had a lot of repetition, and I want you to have in mind that the chorus has to be the central section of a song. So it has to encapsulate the whole meaning of the song. And while yours might do the job, two lines might not be enough to really make the reader feel what you’re trying to convey. This is a good start. I see potential. @Glassmouth - remember? This is really interesting. There is this notion when it comes to songwriting that we’ve learned: there has to be a very tight meter for it to be “correct”. So when the meter is off, the structural part of the song might suffer from it. I actually didn’t mind that your meter was not perfect, I thought it flowed in a different way than how it’s expected, but it still flowed, you know? Somehow you made it work. I think it still could use some finessing when it comes to that, though. Because I’m not sure that when I read it aloud, it sounded good to me. Lyrically, I think it’s very real. I understood every part of the story, and it was simple. You didn’t go too deep on it but you gave us a lot of different layers of the story with this person that actually made me believe in the emotion that inspired this song. I actually liked the sex line because it represents something, a specific event in your story. And it seems that is something that is very unique, that maybe not a lot of people will be able to relate to but it’s a key point to what makes your story different, and what makes it yours. Good job! I think you can develop these stories a little more to give us more context so we can actually see these stories through your perspective. I encourage you to go deeper. @hurricane326 - The Journey Okay I want to invite you to read my other critiques just in case you want to know what I think could help people in general to become better writers. Why am I inviting you to do that, you ask? Well, because I don’t have a lot to say to you. This was soooooo engaging. This was very beautiful, very poetic, such an interesting read. I really loved the uniqueness of the story and how it actually represents a metaphor for an actual journey in life. It’s about finding a place, about settling, about being ready for a change. I think your mind will really focus on the stage you are. Which i loved. The story has a very specific purpose and direction, but it also gives the reader a chance to relate to it in many different ways. What a great introduction. I am stunned. @Hug - Rainbow of the Night I like the way this song gives a conclusion to every single concept that it presents: the breathing, the pausing a specific moment, the some days turning into tonight. Very well thought. I really loved the imagery in the chorus and I feel it perfectly encapsulates that feeling of being mentally drained or absent and finding some kind of comfort in our surroundings. I loved that choice for the song. Honestly, I really liked it. I do wish that you would’ve incorporated the concept of the rainbow of the night a little more in your song. It feels like it’s such a key point on the chorus and for the song in general. But I think you could’ve tied that concept to the verses a little more. Really strong start! I’d like to see you go deeper and bolder! @8thPrince - Dashing Penguin What an interesting title. It really caught my attention. I think this is really sweet. I really felt the emotional connection you have with this song. I love the concept of marching at your own pace and i think it was greatly executed here. At first I wasn’t sure about some “inconsistencies” in the imagery, like the mentioning of the life in the sky and the jungle since the main focus was on a polar setting. But then I understood that it was supposed to be a comparison between how life is not the same for everyone, which I ended up loving. There is something very child like about this entry. As if you were guiding someone through life. Maybe someone who is in need of guidance, maybe to remind yourself to have patience or maybe even a letter to the past. I think the first pre chorus was my favorite section. The outro was beautiful too. Such a heartwarming conclusion to the story. It made me smile <3 @firecrotch - high line I really appreciate the personal approach on this. It’s great to see you embrace every part of you and I love that you’re using this opportunity to find some kind of relief by letting those emotions out. I honestly really liked the verses, I think they’re concise and they read as an actual song. And they get their point across. I would’ve liked to see you go a little bit deeper, more descriptive, more emotional given the inspiration of the song is very personal to you. I think the chorus could’ve been a lot stronger because I don’t think it quite represents the story you’re trying to tell. “I wish, I wish we are / blow a kiss, you’re a star” doesn’t really translate into the events that inspired this song. I want you to keep in mind that when you’re writing your song, the reader is supposed to understand and feel the emotion of the whole story by just reading the lyrics. I’m not sure I would’ve understood the story if you didn’t explain it in your description. Nice job. Try to make your words match with your emotions and the result will be a lot more effective. @OreGuy - Art Capital I really like this concept of inviting someone to get to know your hometown in order to get to know you better. That’s quite romantic. I don’t think this was bad, but I don’t think it was outstanding either, if I’m honest. It was well written, but it didn’t tell me a lot. Like, if you are going to present a song about a place, I want to know the emotions or memories you have attached to that place. I want to get to know what is so special about that place. Something that would make me want to go there. I want to know what are the wonders, the attractions that define that place. I feel like you focused a little more on rhyming than on developing a story or setting. “carved out marbles / smooth feel, southern / get closer, flawless, stubborn” is a good example of that. It feels like you just said some adjectives and they don’t quite have an emotional impact on the reader. You know how to write a song with a good flow. Now, let’s try to find the perfects words to tell the story you’ve been thinking of. @TROPICUM - Cycle in Repeat I’m all about songs with plot twists, I think a surprise factor is always welcome when it comes to songwriting because usually songs may fall into cliche territory. Since we’ve seen and heard a lot of ideas before. I think that to make a plot twist effective, the story has to be well executed, and I think I didn’t quite get what was happening on this one. There were a lot of lines where you were describing your emotions but you didn’t really explain what was happening. To be quite honest, I couldn’t get myself immersed in the story that well because there were a lot of odd rhyme choices. I think rhyming is a key point when it comes to songwriting but it’s not always effective. Especially when the rhymes seem forced. By forced I mean when you use words that you normally wouldn’t use, it doesn’t come off as a natural. “know my brain”, “feelings don’t expire”, “poison and a miss” are some examples of it. Also "cycle in repeat" kind of bugged me because it's a little redundant since the word cycle itself implies that there's repetition involved. I think you had a lot of ideas and try to put them all into one song but they didn’t fully connect with each other. So at times the song felt a little disjointed and unfocused. Well done. I think if you try to be more concise, your story will translate better in your song. @luckystrike - New Year’s Eve You know? This is really good. I know this is just your second season but it feels like you’re already a seasoned writer if I’m honest. I think it’s a solid entry and I feel there’s a perfect balance between the emotional aspects and the context of the story. I like how your second verse and bridge were not something repetitive and actually added something more to the story. But I do wish verse 2 was a little longer. I think the chorus is very effective and I really like this idea of missing someone for New Year’s Eve because it represents the beginning of something new in our lives. And it’s melancholic to think that we’re going to go through that experience without the person we love. Very clever. I think the “In New Year’s Eve, come back to me” doesn’t really add much to the song. So I would recommend you trying to replace those kind of filler lines with something that would add more emotion to your song, or just getting rid of them. Very strong start for you. The difference between your debut this season and your debut last season is very noticeable.
Hug Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 So I appreciate you giving your honest and helpful opinion. I think you may have a point about giving the title significance, but I will also admit that it stumped me for a bit, like most of my titles do when I don't have one in mind before I start writing, and in the end, the title doesn't really feel that significant to the core message of the song. I'll be more conscious of my titles and how well they represent the song, because I think you made a great point there. I will also try to be more bold, because I can admit this was incredibly safe of me, but I was also feeling a bit lost with zero structure challenge-wise so I just sent the first competent thing I mustered up. I read all the batch one reviews, by the way. (because I need to scope who my competition is!) You really made sure to tell people what you believe they did well and what could be improved stanning more than a tad.
firecrotch Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 1 hour ago, ughgabriel said: Reveal hidden contents @Posh Spice - Fen’harel As a gamer myself, I totally love the inspiration behind your song. I am a strong believer than video games can have the most complex and emotional stories. I think you have a good notion of the structure of a song since your song was easy to read. It had a good flow, meter and the rhyme scheme is there. So you got the basics down, which is a good start! I will say that I kind of wanted a little more from the lyrical content. You went with some interesting rhyme choices which I think were not very successful. At times it seems that you wrote a certain line with the purpose of making it rhyme rather than to actually tell a story. Which makes jump to my next point: the story itself. I want you to be conscious about the fact that your reader might not have any knowledge of what you’re about to talk in your song. So you really need to choose the words to present the story, to let them know what is happening. You’re going to be the teller of the story, and if you’re not clear enough, the reader won’t get to understand what you’re trying to say. So they will miss on the story, the emotion, the purpose. I think the bridge is the best part of the song because it has some very natural and cohesive lines. I believe repetition is not always very beneficial because it takes away an opportunity to write something else, something that could add more to the story. More layers, more depth, more elements. So I think you would want to think about that. Your chorus had a lot of repetition, and I want you to have in mind that the chorus has to be the central section of a song. So it has to encapsulate the whole meaning of the song. And while yours might do the job, two lines might not be enough to really make the reader feel what you’re trying to convey. This is a good start. I see potential. @Glassmouth - remember? This is really interesting. There is this notion when it comes to songwriting that we’ve learned: there has to be a very tight meter for it to be “correct”. So when the meter is off, the structural part of the song might suffer from it. I actually didn’t mind that your meter was not perfect, I thought it flowed in a different way than how it’s expected, but it still flowed, you know? Somehow you made it work. I think it still could use some finessing when it comes to that, though. Because I’m not sure that when I read it aloud, it sounded good to me. Lyrically, I think it’s very real. I understood every part of the story, and it was simple. You didn’t go too deep on it but you gave us a lot of different layers of the story with this person that actually made me believe in the emotion that inspired this song. I actually liked the sex line because it represents something, a specific event in your story. And it seems that is something that is very unique, that maybe not a lot of people will be able to relate to but it’s a key point to what makes your story different, and what makes it yours. Good job! I think you can develop these stories a little more to give us more context so we can actually see these stories through your perspective. I encourage you to go deeper. @hurricane326 - The Journey Okay I want to invite you to read my other critiques just in case you want to know what I think could help people in general to become better writers. Why am I inviting you to do that, you ask? Well, because I don’t have a lot to say to you. This was soooooo engaging. This was very beautiful, very poetic, such an interesting read. I really loved the uniqueness of the story and how it actually represents a metaphor for an actual journey in life. It’s about finding a place, about settling, about being ready for a change. I think your mind will really focus on the stage you are. Which i loved. The story has a very specific purpose and direction, but it also gives the reader a chance to relate to it in many different ways. What a great introduction. I am stunned. @Hug - Rainbow of the Night I like the way this song gives a conclusion to every single concept that it presents: the breathing, the pausing a specific moment, the some days turning into tonight. Very well thought. I really loved the imagery in the chorus and I feel it perfectly encapsulates that feeling of being mentally drained or absent and finding some kind of comfort in our surroundings. I loved that choice for the song. Honestly, I really liked it. I do wish that you would’ve incorporated the concept of the rainbow of the night a little more in your song. It feels like it’s such a key point on the chorus and for the song in general. But I think you could’ve tied that concept to the verses a little more. Really strong start! I’d like to see you go deeper and bolder! @8thPrince - Dashing Penguin What an interesting title. It really caught my attention. I think this is really sweet. I really felt the emotional connection you have with this song. I love the concept of marching at your own pace and i think it was greatly executed here. At first I wasn’t sure about some “inconsistencies” in the imagery, like the mentioning of the life in the sky and the jungle since the main focus was on a polar setting. But then I understood that it was supposed to be a comparison between how life is not the same for everyone, which I ended up loving. There is something very child like about this entry. As if you were guiding someone through life. Maybe someone who is in need of guidance, maybe to remind yourself to have patience or maybe even a letter to the past. I think the first pre chorus was my favorite section. The outro was beautiful too. Such a heartwarming conclusion to the story. It made me smile <3 @firecrotch - high line I really appreciate the personal approach on this. It’s great to see you embrace every part of you and I love that you’re using this opportunity to find some kind of relief by letting those emotions out. I honestly really liked the verses, I think they’re concise and they read as an actual song. And they get their point across. I would’ve liked to see you go a little bit deeper, more descriptive, more emotional given the inspiration of the song is very personal to you. I think the chorus could’ve been a lot stronger because I don’t think it quite represents the story you’re trying to tell. “I wish, I wish we are / blow a kiss, you’re a star” doesn’t really translate into the events that inspired this song. I want you to keep in mind that when you’re writing your song, the reader is supposed to understand and feel the emotion of the whole story by just reading the lyrics. I’m not sure I would’ve understood the story if you didn’t explain it in your description. Nice job. Try to make your words match with your emotions and the result will be a lot more effective. @OreGuy - Art Capital I really like this concept of inviting someone to get to know your hometown in order to get to know you better. That’s quite romantic. I don’t think this was bad, but I don’t think it was outstanding either, if I’m honest. It was well written, but it didn’t tell me a lot. Like, if you are going to present a song about a place, I want to know the emotions or memories you have attached to that place. I want to get to know what is so special about that place. Something that would make me want to go there. I want to know what are the wonders, the attractions that define that place. I feel like you focused a little more on rhyming than on developing a story or setting. “carved out marbles / smooth feel, southern / get closer, flawless, stubborn” is a good example of that. It feels like you just said some adjectives and they don’t quite have an emotional impact on the reader. You know how to write a song with a good flow. Now, let’s try to find the perfects words to tell the story you’ve been thinking of. @TROPICUM - Cycle in Repeat I’m all about songs with plot twists, I think a surprise factor is always welcome when it comes to songwriting because usually songs may fall into cliche territory. Since we’ve seen and heard a lot of ideas before. I think that to make a plot twist effective, the story has to be well executed, and I think I didn’t quite get what was happening on this one. There were a lot of lines where you were describing your emotions but you didn’t really explain what was happening. To be quite honest, I couldn’t get myself immersed in the story that well because there were a lot of odd rhyme choices. I think rhyming is a key point when it comes to songwriting but it’s not always effective. Especially when the rhymes seem forced. By forced I mean when you use words that you normally wouldn’t use, it doesn’t come off as a natural. “know my brain”, “feelings don’t expire”, “poison and a miss” are some examples of it. Also "cycle in repeat" kind of bugged me because it's a little redundant since the word cycle itself implies that there's repetition involved. I think you had a lot of ideas and try to put them all into one song but they didn’t fully connect with each other. So at times the song felt a little disjointed and unfocused. Well done. I think if you try to be more concise, your story will translate better in your song. @luckystrike - New Year’s Eve You know? This is really good. I know this is just your second season but it feels like you’re already a seasoned writer if I’m honest. I think it’s a solid entry and I feel there’s a perfect balance between the emotional aspects and the context of the story. I like how your second verse and bridge were not something repetitive and actually added something more to the story. But I do wish verse 2 was a little longer. I think the chorus is very effective and I really like this idea of missing someone for New Year’s Eve because it represents the beginning of something new in our lives. And it’s melancholic to think that we’re going to go through that experience without the person we love. Very clever. I think the “In New Year’s Eve, come back to me” doesn’t really add much to the song. So I would recommend you trying to replace those kind of filler lines with something that would add more emotion to your song, or just getting rid of them. Very strong start for you. The difference between your debut this season and your debut last season is very noticeable.
dweebz Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 Baybeeee! By the looks of those critiques, I PANNED!
Lucky#17 Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 Sent if it's not too late! Had a chorus at the start of the challenge then came up with pre-choruses the other day, but I couldn't figure out the verses so I just winged it.
Galah Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 me never being in batch one, ahh we love a late bloomer
8thPrince Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 @ughgabriel I'm glad it made you smile, and that you found the title interesting! It's a title that's been on my mind for a while and I wanted to use it for a song eventually. Thank you for the review!
ceremonials Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 I still dont have much but i plan to submit within the next 24 ish hours
Recommended Posts