Temporal Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 @funnellegs - Hideaway I think this challenge better fit your style, but I’m still offset by how… inactive the song is lyrically? There aren’t isn’t a lot of action, the verbs are really simple and the vocabulary is a bit mundane. There isn’t a layer of extra complexity to this or an identity to this type of writing. I’m not sure how to phrase it in a way that’s productive for you, but I want you to think outside of the box. The panel has read numerous songs that say things like “the darkness swallowed me up” and are about break-ups or in this case lost friendships! I wanted a more specific metaphor. If you wanted to tie the song all together with a ghost metaphor that might’ve worked, but there wasn’t a common thread between the imagery or metaphors that brought everything together, and without that, there was a severe lack of lyrical punches. Comments on your season run: At this point, I really want to see those things above that I mentioned. I want more specificity, more “art”, more everything. - The bridge was really choppy, especially the “darkness” bit - “we celebrated the best and survived the worst” this was a really bland piece of contrast, what was the best and what was the worst? The whole piece really suffered by keeping the reader at arm’s length from what happened. @Aurora - Enemy Is it premature to say that you’re probably the best rap lyrics we’ve had in PH? I think that this fit with the challenge/instrumental quite well, my only major issue was that the chorus was… melodramatic? I don’t know if that word really described was I was going for, but the first four lines especially felt really fluffy, like it was imagery and pretty language just for its own sake. Otherwise, this just showed off how versatile of a writer you are. Comments on your season run: I think that I kind of expected you to do a lot more weave snatching this season, but obviously you haven’t done badly at all. I appreciate that you’re not afraid to take risks and your experience in this game definitely shines through. I love seeing your more creative/daring side, but in all honesty, if you want to really slay this season - which you may not, you may want a cute #indie era - you’ll have to play things safer and write more S7-eque stuff. That’s just the name of the game! - “Run/Gun” was so forced, though you tried to play it off - “Threats of leaving lead to hate sex” this line put me off, probably because it was a lot more direct/vulgar than the other lines of the song (at least from the singer’s voice). @Jackson - Chicago Thank you GOD for not rhyming “Joilet” with “Toilet.” I really really liked this lyrically. I personally got more of a Lana Del Rey “Love” vibe or a Country vibe from it more so than the Instrumental you linked, and I really think you should’ve sang a melody over this or something (made a real song) since that’s your shtick, but whatever. Minor stuff. Comments on your season run: Buy Chained to the Rhythm on iKoons, lord knows Katy needs it! - “The only thing that stops us from the fate of foreign hands” confused by what the “thing” is, the Mississippi? I’ve reread its couplet a few times and I’ms till lost. - The outdo was a bit corny, especially the final line. @Corsola - Journey Disclaimer: I wrote a LOT but your song was good, there were just a lot of specific moments I was able to point out for you to see. Serving ClarksonSlays imagery. This was… interesting. Good, but interesting. It made me think of Star Wars, like I could see this being on a Star Wars soundtrack if they ever made one. The lyrics felt more specifically catered to something extravagant like that. The other thing was that the instrumental gave me more of a monologue in a movie type-vibe rather than an actual song, which probably had to do more with your lyrics rather than the instrumental you chose. I still think that you’re struggling to write lyrics and not these poetry pieces. The first verse could pass as a folky-singer-songwriter song, but the bridge was just soooo wordy. Comments on your season run: I think less is more with you, in terms of word count. I’d just try to be more succinct. Along with that, I want you to make sure every line, every word counts. Nothing should be in your song just to fill space, or to be fluff. I want everything to have something important or new to say. You’re a good writer, I don’t want you to think otherwise, you’re just in this transitional period that every artist goes through where they’re having to workshop their pieces before really hitting their stride. The light at the end of the tunnel is coming! - “But that would change before my eyes” this isn’t the past perfect which you were using before and it triggered me - “Their fire engulfed my home and mom” i get that you want to tell us that your mom died, but when handling matters like this, it’s best not to tell us so directly, but to allude to it. Like, you say someone “passed away” rather “died” usually because it’s softer. - “So I had to ignite my body and run to be safe” i didn’t get how your body ignited? was this supposed to be like, igniting your heart or spirit? - “But I know she has a soft blanket in the sky” this just didn’t work. I don’t know how to really explain it other than it being so so corny. - “I must make it past a massive desert” “massive” is such a boring adjective, something like “grand” for example is a lot more lyric-y - “Where my eyes are the only river / They leave a trail of water behind me” It was weird to bring up a metaphor, then have to use the next line to explain it. It was like a comedian explaining his joke after the punchline. Same with “Maybe if I find a new land it'll act as a frame / A frame for my soul” @ughgabriel - Predator The AUDIO. I STAN. Idk what you were thinking in the dub; the lyrics go really well with the production. I loved your melody too, especially the chorus! I pointed out the more specific mistakes later on, but there wasn’t anything too glaring here. Comments on your season run: I think I’ve seen you grow a lot this season, granted that you only stuck around for 3 rounds last season. You’ve developed a signature style, which is difficult to get, not everybody has that, BUT, I want to see you break out of that a little more. I think your songs lean too heavily on imagery, dark imagery specifically, and I want you to diversify your portfolio a bit more. You definitely did that with your magnum opus Prolouge/Epilouge, but I think it would be nice to see you try a storytelling song. I want your 9 Rings already! - “And my skin's fulfilled with fright” skin? fulfilled? with fright? girl you were REACHING - The first verse doesn’t have a conclusion I guess “Nights / Where I'm consumed by the dark / And my skin's fulfilled with fright” needed to be closed, it felt like a periodic sentence but “nights” was never fulfilled, you just moved on from it. Idk if I explained that very well at all. - “To curse me with the predator's bite” using “predator” for a 45th time was a waste of a word - The bridge was kinda redundant; it didn’t add anything new to the plot/song @ceremonials - Retrograde *this review has been edited* My main issue was that, at points, this felt like it was being pretty for the sake of being pretty. Like, there wasn’t a concrete storyline with this (another relationship gone bad song), it went wherever the imagery was convenient for the most part, and the emotional merit was definitely lacking in comparison to the aforementioned imagery. This was particularly true of the first verse, I think the 2nd verse had a lot more emotional punch. I will commend you for not writing about death, but I think we need to find a happy medium between the emotion of the death songs and the spectacular imagery of entries like this. All and all, however, this is my fave entry from you in a while. Welcome back hoe. Comments on your season run: Your Emancipation has, in fact, NOT been a front loaded era. I don’t know what clicked with you this season, but damn. I think that I would like to see more of you, but not you in relation to your mother, who seems to have had a really big impact on you whether you realize it or not. The following are examples of what I was referring to in the first few lines of the review: - " are we living in alternate realities / or have we gone into retrograde" - "do you feel a supernova / before it begins to fade" especially this one - "so we'll learn to live on borrowed time / and sift through this stellar dust" @8thPrince - Restless Night Bitch, you did it again. ****. I LOVE how you handled this concept, it’s so very relatable, but you took something that most people just relegate to a line or couplet and made it into a whole song. And the way you went OFF in the second chorus I will say that I think the 1st verse definitely started off rocky mainly with the ice cube couplet as was the bridge, but you snapped it back together with some of your best writing ever tbh. Comments on your season run: The way you keep digging your heels further and further into the sistrens necks - “I wrestle with the thought of calling you just one more time / Will acting like you’ve slipped my mind convince you I’m alright?” WIG LEVITATED Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 ok but where are the hints? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 1 minute ago, ceremonials said: Not 2-3am kii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 oh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 4 minutes ago, Temporal said: Buy Chained to the Rhythm on iKoons, lord knows Katy needs it! i agree with my review this round Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 8 minutes ago, Temporal said: The only thing that stops us from the fate of foreign hands” confused by what the “thing” is, the Mississippi? I’ve reread its couplet a few times and I’ms till lost. if you read my explanation you'll see that the Mississippi is the border between Illinois and Iowa, so the river is the only barrier between the character (me) and his new life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8thPrince Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 @Temporal omg so fast This song is really the product of two experiences: me being hot af at night sometimes and me saying "happy birthday"/various other holiday wishes to my crush for years up until and a little bit past when I told him I liked him. Then I really struggled with whether I should send those messages anymore. Glad you liked it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Not his advice to Sam being to play safer and more generic. Where is the authenticity Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Just now, keshaspearsxo said: Not his advice to Sam being to play safer and more generic. Where is the authenticity a mess because that's like the exact opposite of my advice to S6 Sam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 2 minutes ago, 8thPrince said: @Temporal omg so fast This song is really the product of two experiences: me being hot af at night sometimes and me saying "happy birthday"/various other holiday wishes to my crush for years up until and a little bit past when I told him I liked him. Then I really struggled with whether I should send those messages anymore. Glad you liked it! It kinda reminded me of "Just a Dream" from S7 in a way, I remember you helping me write that (flop) and your 2nd verse kinda reminded me of that song because they talked about the same things (especially in JAD's 2nd verse!). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 2 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: The real mess is this disaster ass group in the finale. Why are people like @jpow eliminated when CORSOLA is still floating by?? And the gag is, she'll probably float along AGAIN.... If Temporal's reviews are any indication, that is. He's the judge always trying to get her ass eliminated (FOR. GOOD. REASON.) with the consistently low scores but the panel just LOVES to let us have a goddamn underdog in this competition when somebody else could be filling her spot. SHE'S AN UNDERDOG FOR A REASON Anyway, good luck to the rest of you youre always dragging her but your bffs this love/hate relationship Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Thanks @Temporal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 31 minutes ago, Temporal said: @Aurora - Enemy Is it premature to say that you’re probably the best rap lyrics we’ve had in PH? I think that this fit with the challenge/instrumental quite well, my only major issue was that the chorus was… melodramatic? I don’t know if that word really described was I was going for, but the first four lines especially felt really fluffy, like it was imagery and pretty language just for its own sake. Otherwise, this just showed off how versatile of a writer you are. Comments on your season run: I think that I kind of expected you to do a lot more weave snatching this season, but obviously you haven’t done badly at all. I appreciate that you’re not afraid to take risks and your experience in this game definitely shines through. I love seeing your more creative/daring side, but in all honesty, if you want to really slay this season - which you may not, you may want a cute #indie era - you’ll have to play things safer and write more S7-eque stuff. That’s just the name of the game! - “Run/Gun” was so forced, though you tried to play it off - “Threats of leaving lead to hate sex” this line put me off, probably because it was a lot more direct/vulgar than the other lines of the song (at least from the singer’s voice). Thanks for the comments. I'm glad you liked the rap (and the verses), I kind of agree about the chorus tbh but I wanted something that felt connected to the instrumental in an audio-visual way rather than just fitting over the instrumental. Not you basically saying I should sell out to get #1 hits. I've debated doing that once or twice, I won't lie, but I've always ended up sticking to my initial plan for the season and that's to write songs that I like and I can relate to and come from a part of my personal life in some way. It isn't something I've done for an entire season so I'll probably keep on with that and if it means I fall short of the finale, so be it. If it gets me there though, it'll be all the more validating for me on a personal level. 6 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: Not his advice to Sam being to play safer and more generic. Where is the authenticity 5 minutes ago, Jackson said: a mess because that's like the exact opposite of my advice to S6 Sam Tell ha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 @Aurora I'm really only saying that because for instance I LOVED Poles Apart but that underperformed because some judges thot it was too out there when I thot it was just right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funnellegs Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Thanks for the review Temporal. I actually agree. I seriously f'd up this round Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 We were staying in Joliet To get away from your toilet @Temporal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 58 minutes ago, Temporal said: @Aurora I'm really only saying that because for instance I LOVED Poles Apart but that underperformed because some judges thot it was too out there when I thot it was just right. That came to mind when you said that, honestly. "Poles Apart" is probably the most similar to anything I've written before, you even pointed that out, and it didn't do fantastically (not that this is a priority for me, but I didn't expect such polar opposite opinions from the judges – pardon the pun ). Obviously I do want to keep writing in this competition as long as I can, so I don't want to disappoint (the majority) like that again. So it makes me want to steer clear of that kind of path more than it does make me want to rehash that style over and over. Perhaps I can find some middle ground, I'm not sure. I appreciate all the advice and comments and opinions and I do want to deliver something that is liked by others, but liking it myself will always be priority #1 for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Those round 10 hints btw: Lights - Portal Christina Perri - Butterfly Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek Coldplay - Every Teardrop is a Waterfall Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody David Bowie & Queen - Under Pressure etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Sounds like the kind of Dr. Luke I can stan for in 2017 tbh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I'm gonna do these Wednesday night Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Just now, Hug said: I'm gonna do these Wednesday night Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Just now, ughgabriel said: rftghj I'm kidding! but even if I wasn't, y'all aren't getting results til Thursday anyway so Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 i don't care about my comments, and if you wanna give me a score less than 9, fight me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 white flag by dido is one of the best songs ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Round 9 comments (Feel free to ask me to expand on anything, or get thoughts on a specific lyric. My scores aren’t finalized!) @funnellegs - Hideaway This entry is a good example of something I always thought of you: you’re a poppy writer. It’s pretty hard to make it far into the game (as far as you did, even) while not being a “platinum poet” so to speak, which tbh is a lot different from back when we played together, but I do find it great that you kept up this far. The song itself is catchy (particularly the pre chorus/chorus, that’s important!), but the thing about being a poppy writer is that a lot of the time, an emotional punch is lacking because you’re going for something that’d get stuck in your head. “Can’t quite put into words / How much this ending hurt”, for example, was catchy in the song, but if you want us to actually feel anything when seeing that, you better start trying to put it into words. “I thought this was for life not just till things got too much” is another example of something that’s probably stronger for you than it is for us. It’s these types of lines that tend to keep your songs back from being great, at least in my opinion. For this round, I’m going to cut some slack seeing as you did have to somehow be inspired by an instrumental, it only makes sense to cut a bit of lyricism to make it more musical. Would I have appreciated both? Definitely, but you did fair enough as is. @Aurora - Enemy I’m really glad you sent a recording. I wasn’t so sure about this entry at first, but seeing how it played out in your head added a lot to the entry for me. The chorus is actually great. I mean, I liked the whole thing, but seeing as a chorus is really important, I wanted to specifically mention it. The bridge could’ve done...less, but maybe it’s just how you recorded it. I did see some lines bordered on cliche: “sleeping with the enemy” and “for better or for worse” just being two examples, but I mean, we can’t help these lines just sound good to music, right? Tbh I’d stan for the official version of this song. @Jackson - Chicago “Sunset sets” excuse the **** out of me, Whackson. 0 for you. Also, shook that out of all the people who recorded their entry, you weren’t one of them. No, but I think your entry and the instrumental you chose are a fitting pair. It suddenly gives an excuse as to the lines with the stars because it seemed more there to be pretty at first. (I get the actual intent but still!) Since I love nitpicking you just so you don’t think of me as your judge you go to for compliments, you used “land(s)” twice, and since your whole second verse had the same rhyme, you rhymed land(s) with land. Fit that, bitch. I’m not going to assume here, so I’m going to finish this by asking you: What type of mood were you going for here? I get a weird mix of nostalgia and regret, with just a pinch of uncertainty. I don’t know if that’s what you were going for, but your instrumental is fitting if you wanted nostalgia. @Corsola - Journey Alright, so you’re as creative as ever. I still think that you are a bit too wordy, though. The ideas are there (like how you mentioned the wings/clouds line in the beginning and brought it up again in the bridge. This is something a good writer would do!), but your execution is something that isn’t all the way there, yet. I know Temporal already said it, but try to keep your word count down. It’d go a far way since we already know you’re creative. Maybe try a lullaby motif for next round? #hint @ughgabriel - Predator Wow, a 10 just for pandering to me. King! No, but honestly I thought this was great. I think you may have sacrificed poeticism for lyricism, but in Platinum Poetry, if there’s any round to do that, it’s this one, so that’s not a bad thing! This will sound very opposite to what Temporal said, but I think this was actually really fun (like it’s a soundtrack song to a horror movie or something!) rather than the typical dark or somber stuff you typically send; even though the track sounds a bit dark, It’s more of the fun type! I think, either way you go, you’re doing a good job regardless. I would just continue to have fun! @ceremonials - Retrogade Nitpick: centuries doesn’t fit with the rest of the imagery in the second chorus. Besides that, you did do a good job of keeping the imagery consistent, even if it was a bit fluff at times. It’s also not about a polar bear’s dead mother, so +1. I am a bit of a sucker for astral imagery, so you got me! @8thPrince - Restless Night Okay, so I know every round I’m just like “Wow slay me dad, come to Brazil, #8thPrince5thWin” etc, but I think I should make it clear exactly why I have loved all of your recent entries. You have a way of stating things that are clear, but not bland. You could’ve easily said “I’m lying in my bed and it’s hot.”, but you said it a bit more eloquently. It’s not to the point where everything is drowned in 5 layers of metaphors. It’s eloquent, yet simple. That’s the perfect balance in making a lyric striking, and you have it down to an art. You also have a way of relaying a story as the person reading is watching everything happen. The little personal details you add are very compelling and bring life to your entries, and you do it in a way I don’t really see from the other contestants. I do want to make note that your entries all feel very connected to human relationships, and even though I am a huge fan what you’ve been submitting as of late, it could end up tiring. If that’s what you want to write, then by all means go for it; you’re on the fast track to the finale, at the very least, but I’d also be okay with you trying something different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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