Jackson Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 9 minutes ago, ughgabriel said: Are results happening today? neux
SaintWest Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 Not me just realizing @Hug changed ha name.
Hug Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 1 minute ago, SaintWest said: Not me just realizing @Hug changed ha name. Yes, I figured people would like Hug more than Hugamari (because most people preferred it last time) so I just went with it!
Temporal Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 @UFOWhat is your song about cuz if I get it wrong
SaintWest Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 I'm nervous for my rihview someone hold me.
ATRL Moderator khalyan Posted February 5, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted February 5, 2017 Just now, SaintWest said: I'm nervous for my rihview someone hold me. same
Jackson Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 Should I change my username while I have my atrl + trial And to GotSkill or Mascson?
Temporal Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 I'm somewhat emotionally attached to Jackson
Hug Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 9 minutes ago, Achilles. said: Um hugs wyd what do you mean
UFO Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Temporal said: @UFOWhat is your song about cuz if I get it wrong akljalg it has a double meaning. It's first about how drug addiction can be compared to a manipulative and possessive lover, and the person knows it's wrong (even when I'm withdrawing, try to leave you behind/this terrible vice exploits the palm of my conscience/you shake my moral compass, you make my common sense twist/I know I should call it quits) but can't resist because of its warmth and safety, which is where the "blanket" idea comes in. The "blanket" also represents a mask, or protection. On the flipside, the song could be about a manipulative and possessive lover who is compared to a drug addiction. It all depends on how you interpret it and how YOU prefer to relate to it Nnn let me @ the other judges, just in case. I don't want to get marked down for incoherence @keshaspearsxo @Cupid @Hug Edited February 5, 2017 by UFO
Temporal Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 Just now, UFO said: akljalg it has a double meaning. It's first about how drug addiction can be compared to a manipulative and possessive lover, and the person knows it's wrong (even when I'm withdrawing, try to leave you behind/this terrible vice exploits the palm of my conscience/you shake my moral compass, you make my common sense twist/I know I should call it quits) but can't resist because of its warmth and safety, which is where the "blanket" idea comes in. The "blanket" also represents a mask. On the flipside, the song could be about a manipulative and possessive lover who is compared to a drug addiction. It all depends on how you interpret it and how YOU prefer to relate to it Nnn let me @ the other judges, just in case. I don't want to get marked down for incoherence @keshaspearsxo @Cupid @Hugamari Okay cause I was DEFINITELY reading this as a father molesting his daughter or something and I was so... surprised
UFO Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Temporal said: Okay cause I was DEFINITELY reading this as a father molesting his daughter or something and I was so... surprised ooh CONTROVERSIAL agjklagjkad I am reading back through my song right now "Like a lullaby your voice soothes the noises, noises" "Both your hands slip under and investigate me" I'm screaming I guess I can see why you would think that Also my song wasn't supposed to be sexual WaiT if it actually is about father-daughter molestation, will I get bonus points for that ??? Edited February 5, 2017 by UFO
Jackson Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 9 minutes ago, Temporal said: I'm somewhat emotionally attached to Jackson It wasn't laaaahv It won't laaaahv
Temporal Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 1 minute ago, UFO said: ooh CONTROVERSIAL agjklagjkad I am reading back through my song right now "Like a lullaby your voice soothes the noises, noises" "Both your hands sleep under and investigate me" I'm screaming I guess I can see why you would think that WaiT if it actually is about father-daughter molestation, will I get bonus points for that ??? I mean, if by calling the FBI you mean bonus points, then sure!
UFO Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 6 minutes ago, Temporal said: I mean, if by calling the FBI you mean bonus points, then sure! Mess don't call them sis. They'd probably start interrogating you instead of me !
Temporal Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 2nd batch stepped their *** game up, I'm shook
ATRL Moderator khalyan Posted February 6, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted February 6, 2017 1 minute ago, Temporal said: 2nd batch stepped their *** game up, I'm shook oh wow
Temporal Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 The last few entries always pull through, so weird
Temporal Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 @UFO - Blanket This was pretty solid, my main issue was that the double entendre didn’t work for both interpretations entirely because you had to concede a few lines to each to validate the interpretation. That’s probably why I was so confused when I read this the first time. Aside from that, I thought the concept of the double entendre was really interesting. I do wish there was some more intense language or imagery though. - “Got me withdrawing back under my blanket” “withdrawing” was the wrong verb here, just “crawling” would’ve sufficed and fit better. - “the palm of my conscience” what - “Both your hands slip under and investigate me” “investigate” is such a non-sexy word @Achilles. - Eyes Shut This was interesting because it has all the PH ingredients to be an emotional smash, but this just fell flat. There wasn’t a peak here, and the repetition in the chorus/post-chorus didn’t really do that much. I’ll give you props because this structuring is more songlike and people who tackle this sort of genre end up writing stories that rhyme, but this needed more detail for me to make the story come alive. I want to know why the narrator was put in that situation and maybe what the person being shot was thinking. Sticking to this one emotion of remorse instead of making it multi-dimensional hurt this entry. - “My hand’s not on the trigger / But I’m standing in the room” minor detail but these things aren’t contrary, so the “but” is kind of odd - Bridge was the peak and was very sincere @SaintWest - Till I feel like you’re the CountryBritney/swiftie13/lovesong of the season in all honesty. The others should be shook. This was a powerful entry for sure. My main issue was that this didn’t feel very songlike for the most part, and the outro makes the song feel very limited to the present moment as opposed to a narrative that can be applied to other situations. I think another way you could’ve written this would be to use lynching and contrasting that with inner-city violence (if that’s a concept or something you’d be interested in). You did well! - “And ruined his luscious curls” a weeping mother definitely wouldn’t say this. The rest of the verse seems accurate (and powerful) though. - “Door/Form” was a flubby rhyme @jpow - Paranoia YAAAAAAS the Emancipation of jpow!! This was a pretty touching relatable entry and definitely your best of the season. There are a few little quibbles here and there but overall this was a great entry. - The lines with question marks in the verses were clunky, mostly because you put them either in the wrong place “Why do I cry? At something I’m not” or you used two “Did he leave me? And not say goodbye?” - “I’m paranoid it was over once we met” this line could’ve been written a bit better, either by adding a “that” or rewriting the tense. - “And my confidence seemingly shot” this line broke your flow - The bridge didn’t do much, it could’ve used another quatrain or so. @8thPrince - Erased The hype was justified! I have a few little language choices that I want to point out, but there are so many instances of just flat out excellent lyricism here. Job well done! - [A] firmly has my wig - “If you catch the taste of tears you’ll think back to our shore” what is “our shore”? - “My pinkie traces your shape” I hate the word pinkie here, especially when I don’t know why you’d use that finger to trace someone’s shape. - I liked the structuring, but the ending was somewhat abrupt. @ceremonials - Relic The other girls could NEVER have a rushed entry be of this caliber. This was definitely a safe song for sure, but for the most part you pulled it off. I loved the imagery and the language, the first few sections really painted a stunning scene. After that it kind of fell apart a bit, but still, this was quite well done! - “I escape to the fields of gold and rivers of red” you def shoved this imagery in - “spectrum lips” you misspelled “ocean” by a lot! - “Remembering you comes in rose-colored shades / ‘Cause the day you left, it all turned to gray” these two things don’t make sense consequentially - Bridge was pretty but I don’t think it tied in well with the rest of the song. @Jackson - Lilac Fields This was good, but probably your weakest entry thus far. There wasn’t as much thrill and suspense to this as I’ve come to expect from you. Obviously though, this entry was still good and my issues are mainly nitpicks. - Super minor, but the first couplet went from past to present tense. Using past tense in the 2nd line would’ve made the flow awkward, so you put yourself in a bit of a bind there. - Pre-Chorus was a bit long, it was literally the same length as the chorus itself. - “I wish the wicked hands of time were just as good to you” “wicked” and “good” was a strange combo to say the least. - The rhymes in the 2nd verse weren’t nearly as smooth as the others in this piece. - The bridge was cute, but for the climax of the song it was a bit lackluster.
ATRL Moderator khalyan Posted February 6, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted February 6, 2017 Thank you Temporal! Glad you liked it for the most part
8thPrince Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Temporal said: “If you catch the taste of tears you’ll think back to our shore” what is “our shore”? I wanted to communicate that "the (salty) taste of tears will remind you of the shore and sea we walked by" Edited February 6, 2017 by 8thPrince
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