swiftie13 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 4 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: and yet no scores in my BOX? WRONG. ^ you posed this at 6:53 PM EST time: 6:51PM EST read her, drag her, slay her who is she?
fountain Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 it actually could've been close this week, if citrus didn't totally sabotage somebody
ceremonials Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Just now, keshaspearsxo said: it actually could've been close this week, if citrus didn't totally sabotage somebody Hmm
swiftie13 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 3 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: it actually could've been close this week, if citrus didn't totally sabotage somebody poor jack!
fountain Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 7 minutes ago, swiftie13 said: WRONG. ^ you posed this at 6:53 PM EST time: 6:51PM EST read her, drag her, slay her who is she? i have you on ignore so i didnt see
swiftie13 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 my average was a lot higher than I thought it would be when I first started congrats guys
fountain Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 Just now, swiftie13 said: find your sound. see your sound. is this a teaser for ph10.5
swiftie13 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 1 minute ago, keshaspearsxo said: is this a teaser for ph10.5 no, it's gonna be my career/website aesthetic // unquote me, gonna delete them eventually xoxo
Temporal Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 @Jackson - The Man That I’ve Become Emotional content? Check. Understandable? Check. I think that this was missing two things: a thoughtful structure and some more nuanced language. Now, when I say “missing” I mean that it wasn’t at as high of a level as the other two aspects, it was just lacking a little bit! I get that this was a storytelling song - and you handled that aspect wonderfully - but there were just a handful of moments where I wanted you to reach for some language that I know that you’re capable of, and would make the piece more potent. For example, “I'll take this medication prescribed for someone else”, you could be a little more vague about the “medication” aspect; I’m always in favor of keeping morbid details or ideas at arms length from the reader as the euphemism there is a little more poetic. If that doesn't make sense, swiftie pretty much discussed the same issue in a different way! My biggest issue was the structuring: without labels or very clear song structures I felt like I was just drifting through the story; if you added explicit song structures this piece could be divided into chapters almost and there would be a sense of things spiraling out of control as opposed to this pacing which felt anti-climactic. So in that way, I don't think that this was the best way to handle the challenge. Finally, the outro had puncheS, but overall the song as a whole seemed to lack them. - “filling each inch of me with shame” “every” instead of “each” fits better, but I understand that the meter bound you a biT - “Maybe I'll just starve this week” this was like, comedically blunt - “distant land” WHAT is with you and "lands"??? - “A sacrifice you made for God” reading this got me a little… tongue tied? “You made a sacrifice for God” works better to me @Corsola - Misty Mind This served “Village by the Mountain” high key, I’m suing! So, you didn’t use 400 words, which is good, but I don’t think that you made every word count. Ex. you used the word “fog” in 4/5 verses. That would be fine if it was a repeated line or something, but it wasn’t, so it got old really quickly and make the whole piece feel exhausted conceptually by verse two. This story didn’t move forward at all, and all of these pieces didn’t really make sense together. I could rearrange this song’s verses in any way I wanted and still have gotten the same song more or less. I liked the concept and your style for the most part, and this was an appropriate concept for the challenge, but this just came off as tired and confusing. - “ago/grow” was a lazy rhyme - I don’t see how verse three connected to amnesia, and was just a rather mundane image to turn into an entire verse - The flow was a bit wonky as times going between verses (like from 1 and into 5) - The ending was kinda anti-climactic @8thPrince - the Story You Don’t Know I liked the concept/title a lot, and there were some classic 8th moments, but for me this one fell a bit flat. I agree with Huga that the ending was abrupt and another four lines even would really be appreciated. Overall this felt somewhat uneventful, it was very short and sweet, but I want you to really go off. The “B” section got close to that with the really in your face imagery with “typhoon in the sky” but I think I want more of that now. I feel like your songs have been giving us foreplay almost for the past few weeks in that all of the imagery has been unusual and sweet (and you’ve made it work), but the underlying emotion is a lot more powerful than that here (the second A section shows what I’m talking about the best) and calls for some more forceful imagery. Finally I don’t get the naming of the song structures AABA? That threw me a bit, all I can see between the A structures as a common thread is that the title is in them. Still, this was a good song at the very worst! @ughgabriel - Virtual Gratitude I feel so disoriented right now, you had some lines that had FOURTEEN syllables Anyways this was a cool concept and a great fit for the challenge. My main complaint was that the intro felt really clumsy; I get that it’s hard to set up this concept or story, but the last three lines of the first stanza were especially generic for such a specific idea. Lastly, I think that this concept might have been a really cheap way for you to include really insane imagery - “But the collision was foreseen” the language here was a bit jarring; too formal me thinks - Loved the finale @ceremonials - Exit Wounds The style was good, cool, but I’m pretty confused as to what this was about. At first I thought it was about a shooting like the Orlando shooting for instance, then I got PTSD, then I got abusive relationship. I have no idea who the “you” was and if it changed throughout the song. I really like the style and some of the lines here, but I am just so ****ing confused. - “armor/martyr” you know what you did! - “I carved in your name into it and locked it away” into what? the armor? from the line before the last? - “I’m prepared to bestow the final sacrifice” the Rabbit Heart plagiarism! - “To look for the light in your cloudy eyes / To witness an eclipse and see a sunrise” this imagery felt thrown in @Aurora - Memories So the meter was tight as the living ****, but here, it made the piece feel almost monotonous. Reading through the first time I just went on autopilot, reading the rhymes and the rhythm without having to understand what you were saying. Reading it more thoroughly, a surprising amount of this made sense, like you weren’t just shoe horning in all of this imagery and vocabulary because it actually worked at surface level. The last stanzas and fourth to last made the least amount of sense, and overall you should have cut one or two of the stanzas out at least, perhaps some of the lines where the subjects seemingly overlap (searching for signs appears multiple times as a subject). Finally, I think you worked around the challenge rather working with it or having it work for you. Had you done that last thing this would be an easy 9 for me. - Tense shift in the first stanza was kind of abrupt - “Visions of his smile engage the echo of his laughter” engage was a weird verb in this case
Temporal Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 (sorry my reviews are kinda ****ty this week, i rushed them a bit and im in a bind)
ceremonials Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Bdjgnskskxncmzm girl what Where did you get PTSD oR Orlando???
fountain Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 2 minutes ago, Temporal said: (sorry my reviews are kinda ****ty this week, i rushed them a bit and im in a bind) now send scores
Temporal Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 1 minute ago, ceremonials said: Bdjgnskskxncmzm girl what Where did you get PTSD oR Orlando??? your **** was vague as ****, something you admitted; how can you criticize me for being lost with it?
Jackson Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 ok swiftie's was kinda my first negative review of the entire season, yikes thanks for the reviews, the only thing i have to say is that i absolutely love my structure so you're wrong about that . otherwise good points
ceremonials Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Just now, Temporal said: your **** was vague as ****, something you admitted; how can you criticize me for being lost with it? I'm not, I just don't know what would signaled those two things
Jackson Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 -2 points to the judges for not noting my ancient hebrew symmetrical writing structure this week https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chiasmus
ceremonials Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Anyway thanks Hunt. I don't think I'll be #1 n e more but I'm hoping for #2 to complete the sequence
swiftie13 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 6 minutes ago, Jackson said: ok swiftie's was kinda my first negative review of the entire season, yikes thanks for the reviews, the only thing i have to say is that i absolutely love my structure so you're wrong about that . otherwise good points I did not pull a Lee and give you a 6!
fountain Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 3 minutes ago, ceremonials said: Anyway thanks Hunt. I don't think I'll be #1 n e more but I'm hoping for #2 to complete the sequence Well who's gonna be 1 then
Jackson Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 1 minute ago, swiftie13 said: I did not pull a Lee and give you a 6! you gave me a 5?? Yikes
swiftie13 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Just now, Jackson said: you gave me a 5?? Yikes close, a 1!
ceremonials Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 1 minute ago, keshaspearsxo said: Well who's gonna be 1 then I think Sam might tbh But slay if I am. The only #1 that actually matters
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.