Jackson Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 hijab at the guy in my avi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 8 minutes ago, Jackson said: hijab at the guy in my avi 4/10 too much Julia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Okay, lemme judge those songs now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 26 minutes ago, Hug said: Okay, lemme judge those songs now! king! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 hi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cupid Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 1 hour ago, Hug said: I made it to the second phase of moderator applications. @Temporal did you make it as well? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 hug is definitely gon drag my sawng Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Love how we're getting a new mod on the panel now that we kicked the old one off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cupid Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 1 minute ago, Jackson said: kicked the old one off Me being the chained to the rhythm of judges. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 26 minutes ago, ceremonials said: hug is definitely gon drag my sawng You sure about that hunty buntches. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Everyone needs to leak their songs so I know who's getting axed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 7 minutes ago, Hug said: You sure about that hunty buntches. I figured you would bc its pretty poem-y Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 whoever goes home , its going to be sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 1 minute ago, Corsola said: Is it really hard to tell you've floated by this long, who says you won't become the MattyTacos of the season Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 my second stanza is fat af. I wish I would've edited a bit like I was going to. This is what it was supposed to be: I taught myself to shelter you To protect you more than these walls will ever do I'm prepared to bestow the final sacrifice In the hopes that we'll collide in another life And I start to wonder if that's how it works, If I'd see you again, Or sink into the dirt. If I'd be among the soil Where the roses bloom Searching through the crossfire And sealing Exit Wounds I know you cant take this into account bc ive already sent a lot of drafts, but this is what it was supposed to be I Need to stawp waiting til the last minute Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Round 10 comments (scores not finalized) @Jackson - The Man That I’ve Become So, mostly minor things, as usual. The one-off gun metaphor felt very familiar in a PH context, which surprised me from you. The line with the gun metaphor was a bit off as far as meter goes, as well! The “each inch” part, particularly, does not flow very well. The “Maybe I’ll starve this week” also felt a bit blunt to start that section off with? Idk I kinda laughed and thought of pear. Of course, with the moments I didn’t really care for come the ones that I did enjoy. For instance, the whole section after “Maybe I’ll starve this week” was a highlight, imo, including “Where winter doesn’t threaten me / and frost won’t bite my hands” I thought it was a clever way of personifying the idea of frostbite. I am also living for the implied sudoku at the end. @Corsola - Misty Mind “...my eyes that I need as my guide” BITCH everyone needs their damn eyes, you ain’t special. Like imagine writing a Platinum Drowning song like “Water fills my lungs that I need to breathe”. But let me not stick on that line, the rhyme scheme was...all over the place. I found it really hard to keep up. I’m near 100% positive you could’ve got away with sending this in the Dr. Seuss challenge, and nobody would’ve noticed. You could have benefitted with more structure, both in rhyme scheme and storytelling. I DO suppose that amnesia is a very confusing thing to go through, and the confusing delivery was just reflective of that, but in my opinion, starting off with the “red truck” (oddly specific for an amnesiac) verse, then seeing the people, then walking through the mist the rest of the time, would’ve been a better structure. You did get better at meter, that’s evident, so @8thPrince - The Story You Don’t Know Honestly? Living for the short-and-sweetness of this. Maybe it ended up being a bit too abrupt for an ending, but still, this was cute. Particularly, I liked the line about the lights jumping to life. That line was great. It’s another very solid entry from you, but it’s not your peak. I think it may have to do with the ending, as I said, because it threw me off when I liked everything else. Even four more lines could’ve done a lot for this. @ughgabriel - Virtual Gratitude “...fear was grander than the threat” wow I’m bald. On the subject of that line, though, “ears” sounds a bit weird. Usually when you whisper into an ear, it’s one ear. “Whispered in my ear fear was grander than the threat” is a 10/10 line would read again. Anyway, with many ideas that are highly conceptual, the idea leads to the execution sometimes being off. I thought the dropping of the dream being...right away was a bit dissatisfying after seeing your inspiration. You could easily go half the short without knowing, and making your entry reflect that would’ve been nice. I suppose you didn’t want it to be a retelling of the video? I think I would’ve liked that better if we’re being honest. Anyway, this was also a bit too long, I think. The section starting with “Staring into the sky and diving into my thoughts” (love that line <3), particularly, was a bit too wordy for me. I think you should try keeping things a bit more concise. @ceremonials - Exit Wounds Wow, you nailed this challenge! In particular, I want to talk about the first part of your song. Wig OFF. In the second line of it, though, “fall to my feet” would only make sense if you’re like an angel or something just flying/floating around. This song is a bit in your usual theme, but I adore the execution so you get a pass this time. Just be careful. <3 @Aurora - Memories You have some very wordy, non-musical lines in this. They tend to be at the beginning of sections. “Subtle observations paint desireable conclusions”, “Insincere resentment makes a beautiful diversion”, “Resentment grows to rage which wilts to gradual acceptance”...three examples of this. I can’t imagine any of it being sung. On the subject of your lines, though, “Although the finished piece will never equal your illusions / I’ll never let those thoughts of Mona Lisa’s smile depart” is slaying me??? This was a mixed bag of great lines and overly-wordy ones. This was also a very ARTPOP concept, but you did fairly well with it, which is good considering how off-the-wall it is, to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 to be fair its not about death at all really. There's a few lines that allude to it but it's more about sacrifice (at least thats what I was going for). But thanks hung! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Implied sudoku? Well thanks Hug, I agree with your nitpicks and probably would have changed a few of them myself had I started my song earlier Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 "Maybe I'll stave this week" I didn't even see a red line so I didn't think to correct it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Today I won't Eat's impact Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 2 minutes ago, ceremonials said: Today I won't Eat's impact I know I was saying! Also, two people mentioned sandcastles this week. Way to copy Corsola. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted March 8, 2017 Author Share Posted March 8, 2017 I an icon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 2 minutes ago, Corsola said: (TM idea) You're welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Thanks @Hug Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted March 8, 2017 Author Share Posted March 8, 2017 Thanks @Hug Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts