ceremonials Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Just now, ceremonials said: so when r results .
fountain Posted February 23, 2017 Author Posted February 23, 2017 45 minutes ago, ceremonials said: so when r results when you stop getting worse weekly
ceremonials Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Just now, keshaspearsxo said: when you stop getting worse weekly not when this song got better reviews than Isabella
fountain Posted February 23, 2017 Author Posted February 23, 2017 Just now, ceremonials said: not when this song got better reviews than Isabella i don't read or care what the others say!
Jackson Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 1 minute ago, keshaspearsxo said: i don't read or care what the others say! we want to read and care about what you say reviews!
ceremonials Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Just now, keshaspearsxo said: i don't read or care what the others say! dont drag it 2 hard
fountain Posted February 23, 2017 Author Posted February 23, 2017 1 minute ago, Jackson said: we want to read and care about what you say reviews! am doing them right now but every time i see the "new reply" thing i get distracted!
swiftie13 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 1 hour ago, swiftie13 said: @funnellegs @Aurora @ughgabriel @ceremonials @SaintWest @Corsola @Jackson @8thPrince Round 8 Reviews PT. I funnellegs “x with a side of x,” is never a good way to begin a serious song as that phrase is associated with lighter, cheesy things. In general, it opened up a little to vaguely, there wasn’t any enticing language or storytelling that pulls the reader in. It feels very cliche. Also, the pre chorus has no rhyme scheme what so ever so structurally, it gets rocky. Even lines that could have been clever show poor execution such as, “the sky is empty like your glass that needs refilling.” that’s clunky but the idea is brilliant. At this point in the game, you should definitely be wary of such mistakes, especially on lines with so much potential that could elevate your entry. Your tenses get weird in the chorus and because it’s such an important (and repeated) part of the song, it sticks out badly. “Because even when love smothers it couldn’t suffocate.” Again, I love what this line could have been but its awkward phrasing and tense issues (should be can’t not couldn’t or smothered not smothers) make it fall flat. You do that throughout the entry. Fix your phrasing, make it less clunky and more effortless and your writing will excel because the ideas are there. Verse two is just as lacking as the first but at least there was consistent imagery. The bridge begins nicely but the “[…[ or […] or […],” was such a poor choice, it feels very amateur and list-like rather than lyrical. There was some substance overall, and emotionally it wasn’t bad but it wasn’t convincing enough. Aurora I read gabe’s description thinking it was for your song and for a while, I sat there trying to figure out in the hell a mountain was a metaphor for how the US government views all Mexicans as criminals. ANYWAY. This was an out-of-the-box concept indeed! While I appreciate that, it felt emotionally lacking despite your best efforts to personify a mountain. Maybe if there was more context, but a lot of it just felt like pretty language. “A mountain seeks its refuge / from the world outside its realm / Enshrouded by the flora / as the winding rivers sing,” is a perfect example of that. Overall, the diction felt far too thesaurus-driven instead of effortless and lyrical. The first verse makes it seem like the mountain wants to be alone, “ [it] seeks its refuge from the world outside […],” but you contradict that with “[it] calls for company,” in the next stanza and the refrain so it feels confused, at least initially. If I’m misunderstanding, forgive me (and please explain if need be). The refrain is really cute. It flows well and the simplicity is welcoming as it opposes the sometimes overbearing language of the verses. Verse 2, more specifically the first stanza, felt more Dr. Seuss-like than the narrator in the first verse. It’s not a bad thing in and of itself but some consistency is lacking. The middle 8 is linguistically thrilling and it doesn’t feel as superficial as other parts did. You’re an excellent writer but this doesn’t scream “songwriting” as much as it could. Nonetheless, I love your strengths and I did enjoy this entry a lot even if my review doesn’t reflect that all too well! ughgabriel Quite obviously, I can relate to this and I think that might make it more difficult for you to please me whether that’s fair or not. Anyway, it started off pretty good, nothing groundbreaking but enough to introduce a concept. The stressing felt a little off, but that’s always a minor issue for me. I love the word Tijuana, maybe because it’s so symbolic but it has great poetic quality to it and it doesn’t sound strange in song form. It automatically adds an atmosphere, a mood, a unique specificity that elevates songs. There were a couple word choices and phrasing here and there that felt awkward and inconsistent or jarring when looking at the entry as a whole. For example, “[t]his town was the core of disorder,” and “[o]nce born inside the vortex.” Try simplifying the language here because they feel out of place and forced. That is especially true when considering your blunt take on murder and rape, which I applaud. This song definitely feels more direct and some pretty language takes away from that. Be more aggressive. The pre chorus a great transition. I love the newspaper line, it has a lot of depth to it. The God line reminds me of one of my own songs from PH8 where I talk about a dystopia where God does’t care to visit anymore. Obviously, I love the implications behind that saying, it’s a powerful statement, especially in such a Catholic region like Mexico. The chorus felt like a good summary/backbone for the piece which is important. I love the back to back punch of, “Without the aid of the stars / You could run from Tijuana / But you won’t get that far.” Overall, I feel honored to share a cultural background with such a talented writer like yourself. This was wonderful yet again, Horsfavoritemexican. ROUND 8 REVIEWS PT. II ceremonials Okay. This COULD HAVE BEEN SO GREAT. I honestly don’t know what was missing, it just felt like this was a rough 15 minute start to a song that eventually became so much more with more clever revising. However, I do appreciate the flow. It helps pace the encounter that is happening. The first verse set up a hope but the chorus, let me down. That being said, the titular phrase was such a nice conclusion to its parent part. It adds ~vibes that I wish you would have explored more in this song. The post chorus carried that vibe as well, like 80s synth pop but less pop girl and more stylish. Almost CHVRCHES-like. It could have been more dance centric. I don’t necessarily mean literally but your lyrics could have showcased that playful urgency a lot better. Some phrases like “she has him by the neck,” and “she wants to see you on your knees,” among others just didn’t work for me. I really wish I could properly describe why this song was just a hair away from being a fantastic BOP, but it missed. Maybe because I wanted this to be a CHVRCHES bop and their writing is top notch. However, thanks for shaking things up! It was nice to read a lighter song this week. SaintWest Very nice concept. I like the approach you took. However, as much as I champion for specifics and vivid imagery, at times this felt oversaturated with those things that it almost feels like a parody. One brilliant move was the inclusion of scotch throughout the entry. It glued the piece together quite nicely and it just felt like a punch every time. The chorus was a MESS. First of all, the inclusion of the word “enigmatic” was a wrong choice. It was too obvious of a word choice. You tried including a lot of ideas and details but it became crowded quickly and “[…] ‘Sure, my name’s Estelle, now let’s get to the hotel,” was so unintentionally funny. It gave me bad Lana Del Rey vibes. There were a couple lines that worked, but overall it let this entry down. The second verse was the strongest part of this entry. The flow, the language, it all fit well together and wasn’t contrived. I have mixed feelings about the bridge, but it certainly did not help with the quasi-parody mood. It was a unique concept and definitely vivid, qualities I will never underapprecaite so rest easy, I’m just being nit picky but this wasn’t bad. Corsola I love the concept. Satire is one of my favorite styles and it’s hard to pull off without sounding contrived or amateur-ish. This entry for the most part lacked that shrewd edge to make it work. Instead, many of the lines fell flat and it became awkward to read. I feel so bad coming for a song about such an important issue but this felt vey list-like and even preachy. The stressing is also a mess so the conversational tone you seem to be going for is ruined. Some lines were far too blunt, “and promote a false sense of what’s normal,” and some lines were clunky and unlyrical “But don’t tell clients they’ll lose their brain.” By the way, is there supposed to be a comma after “clients,” cause that line read so terribly. Overall, there as so much polishing left to do. This felt like a very rough draft. ROUND 8 REVIEWS PT. III Jackson The opening stanza was the only thing that kept you from a 10 to be honest. That and “used to go to.” Although there’s nothing technically wrong with the opening stanza, it felt a little cliche and comically dark whereas the rest felt more natural and emotive. This definitely feels like a Jackson entry with smart language, meaningful decisions, and an impeccable flow but it also feels very fresh. The chorus is one of my favorite things I’ve read from you. It’s poetic but simple and lyrical. To reiterate, the only thing that sticks out is the “used to go to,” that part just feels clunky and pedestrian in an otherwise flawless chorus. I think we both know that you did well. I would quote a lot of the song if I were to chose slayful one liners so let’s just say you kept punching, especially in that bridge. I envisioned a live action version of the spirit world from the Last Airbender/ Legend of Korra while reading this and that is not to be taken lightly! 8thPrince I love the pacing in this one. Although the lines are long, it feels like a a mind going through a thought sequence, I don’t know how to explain it. The way you focused on these details made this very special. “[F]ingers tapping,” “dripping faucets,” all of these images created such a strong and cohesive atmosphere and aided in delivering emotion. This feels like it could be a problem or even a short story, but also a song and that’s a major plus. You really took the no pronouns restriction and turned it into a strength here, more so than anyone else. I don’t know why but I hear soft piano music while reading this, it’s very touching without trying too hard. It’s so personal yet not, and using “you” makes it feel directed toward the reader so it hits even harder. Even the brain/rain rhyme was used well. I don’t know, I feel like this review was useless because I’m just stanning.
swiftie13 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Okay, so after reviewing the songs again, three songs got different scores from before, two were raised, one was lowered! Poor it! Hints are coming
Jackson Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 well thanks Hor I agree that the chorus line is clunky, I just didn't have time to sit on it and think of something else
Jackson Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 I also agree that the song started out dark than it ended, cause it was initially supposed to be a pretty dark song but as I wrote it I wanted to capture more complex emotions to try to make it more engimatic
SaintWest Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 2 hours ago, Citrus said: Jazz/cab may have fit the spirit of the song but the rhymes felt shoehorned into the lines, if that makes sense. Like you thought "Cab would be a great rhyme here" and then wrote a line to match it. You're allowed to disagree with me there, because everyone has a different opinion on what is and isn't forced. Enigmatic, and most adjectives longer than 3 syllables honestly, is just too non-conversational to fit into most songs. I think using kinda stranger words requires the entire song to be in that vein, or else it feels thesaurus'd in. The sing/heartstring line may not be the longest in terms of syllables, but it feels like a mouthful (similar to what I told corsola about finding words that don't break the flow). Begin and tug (the hard g) are what kinda split the line up and make it feel longer for me. For the scotch, I understood it as, in Verse 1, he avoids his wife because she'll smell the Scotch on him. I guess I don't understand why he's going home without smelling like scotch later on. I thought the scotch and other women went hand in hand. TBH I really love the usage of technicolor now that you've explained it, but I don't think I'll be the only judge to have missed that. Like with 8th's maple tree, it's good and bad to use really obscure (even if accurate) references. I wouldn't have minded it if the word itself didn't seem to break up the line a tad. But like I said, don't mind it as much now that you've laid it out. I wasn't trying to personally assassinate your character, but I guess my making side comments was just a byproduct of being dissatisfied. If you see in Drag Race or I guess somewhat in Jackson's reviews, I'm a little meaner to people I know well. Aka I thought we were close enough where I could drag you, but it's my bad if not. I guess if I had to give more directional advice, I'd say to make sure that your songs are accessible to people outside the field. I ran into this problem when I wrote a song about horror movies (also my chorus was basic af). Also, see if a rhythm naturally comes out when you read the song aloud, not to a beat at all. A well-constructed song should move fairly easily off your tongue without a whole lot of uncomfortable or unintended pauses/moments where lines extend beyond where they should. Is that a little better? For the scotch, I understood it as, in Verse 1, he avoids his wife because she'll smell the Scotch on him. I guess I don't understand why he's going home without smelling like scotch later on. I thought the scotch and other women went hand in hand. I meant "scotch-free" as a play on the word "scot-free," but I can see looking back how that could be confusing. Thanks for the re-review! Sorry for the misunderstanding. The part about it being more accessible to people outside the field helped a ton, and I think sometimes that can be something us writers, me especially, can forget when writing songs, especially concept ones like this.
swiftie13 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) insurance Maxson Raphael pastora / undrained test estonians tonnages for social Edited February 23, 2017 by swiftie13
swiftie13 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 2 minutes ago, Jackson said: there's more to it than that!
fountain Posted February 23, 2017 Author Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) take off your hat and pull a rabbit out for me Edited February 23, 2017 by keshaspearsxo
swiftie13 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 58 minutes ago, ceremonials said: not when this song got better reviews than Isabella did it?
Hug Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 5 minutes ago, swiftie13 said: insurance Maxson Raphael pastora / undrained test estonians tonnages for social 8thPrince Jackson ughgabriel Aurora/SaintWest ceremonials funnellegs Corsola ???
Jackson Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 well my #2 is basically confirmed bar any sabotaj from pears for either me or 8th
fountain Posted February 23, 2017 Author Posted February 23, 2017 2 minutes ago, Jackson said: well my #2 is basically confirmed bar any sabotaj from pears for either me or 8th im planning on giving you a 5
swiftie13 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 5 minutes ago, Hug said: 8thPrince Jackson ughgabriel Aurora/SaintWest ceremonials funnellegs Corsola ??? henny, you're a judge don't play me like that ?
Jackson Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 I also think Huga has been my harshest critic this round which is weird af
Hug Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Just now, Jackson said: I also think Huga has been my harshest critic this round which is weird af I was nicest to cere and harshest to you, a true reverse Warholian experience this time around. I wonder if cere thinks of his song this round the same way I thought of "Memories" from last season. A judge who was usually harsh to me (@8thPrince) gave it a high score.
swiftie13 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) Some more tea: 1 person got a score that did not end in .0 or .5! Talent left me undecided. Highest score was a 10, my first ten. The range this round is bigger than the previous round for me! If you want (limited) tea on your score, think harder! Edited February 23, 2017 by swiftie13
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