tournament ? DIAMOND HIT ? Farewell / Next Season Announcement pg.328 ?

[Temporal]

56 minutes ago, Jackson said:

Let me break out my life savings

 

 

 

  

 

54 minutes ago, jpow said:

nnn my drama is over.

 

I'm not dropping out, and the Poko rivalry will just continue later (probably tomorrow when I get eliminated but kii oh well) 

2

So do I judge your entry or nah

[ceremonials]

1 minute ago, Citrus said:

would you rather have half of my reviews now and half later, or all at once

half now!

[Jackson]

4 minutes ago, Citrus said:

would you rather have half of my reviews now and half later, or all at once

If mine aren't there I want them later

 

 

[Jackson]

I just realized I could buy like 5k copies of CTTR

 

 

[ceremonials]

1 minute ago, Jackson said:

I just realized I could buy like 5k copies of CTTR

 

 

do it

[khalyan]

7 minutes ago, Temporal said:

  

 

So do I judge your entry or nah

yes please 

[Jackson]

8 minutes ago, ceremonials said:

do it

Then I can't go to Europe though

 

 

Let me take out a loan

[Citrus]

CitRuviews

 

Funnellegs – Youth

•         Your first verse has some minor wording issues. Both the second and fourth lines are one or two words too long to flow well. You could’ve just said “This darkness is not built to last” and taken out “that” in each one, respectively, to make it read a little sharper.

•         The pre chorus serves me a pop rock P!nk tea, generic but cute.

•           Chorus is shaky but I enjoy it. Even though it doesn’t particularly rhyme and it’s structured weirdly, it has a raw, kinda punk vibe to it that I really like. Be careful with some of those half lines (But we’re already half-dead / Might as well go all the way). Due to their length, they can very easily come off as clunky.

•          Verse 2 had the same issues as Verse 1, but it’s a little grittier which is fun.

•         The bridge is probably your best part of the song, mostly because it best lays out your narrator’s problem.

I’m assuming this was about a relationship that’s about to end, but the narrator has some reservations because he/she has invested a lot into the other person? Please correct me if I’m wrong. This mostly worked, but there were too many awkwardly phrased and clunking lines that detracted from the flow. Emotionally-oriented songs especially need good flow because, like anger/sadness/love, they should move seamlessly and feel lightly constructed to the reader.

Ceremonials – Isabella

•      Verse 1 is very me if I didn’t write 236-syllable lines. I don’t like the repetition of pictured in two lines back to back, it’s weak.

•         Delete it chorus, dang. I’ll talk about this more later.

•         Verse 2 does a great job advancing the storyline, and I’m not entirely against that slanty dad/understand rhyme.

•         Bridge had me thinking this was about a girl running away from her parents writing a letter to her baby sister, oop.

My big issue with this is how little it conveys the story you want it to. I’m not saying it’s a bad song or a bad job, but I really did not get what you were going for until you explicitly told me in the disclaimer. If you’re going for a more complicated angle like you were here, you have to work twice as hard to make it relatable and understandable. You can’t cop out. That being said, this song is alright. The chorus is lowkey basic, which is not something I expected from you. The ‘ee’ rhymes came off as forced (which they likely were considering you rhymed ‘me’ with ‘me’). I’m just very…underwhelmed. Love the concept though, so please don’t let this deter you from trying big concept songs again in the future. Just do them better next time.

Corsola – Drip Drop

•          How sweet of you to write a song about DripDrip.

•          First verse is quite singsongy and childish. That’s not a criticism – it reinforces the innocence and naivety of the narrator. I think “tears I could not cry out” fits better than couldn’t, but it’s not major. “So that” wasn’t really needed in the last line.

•         The chorus is a non-event, but story songs don’t always need the anthemic stuff most songs do.

•         Verse 2 has some good ideas but is muddled in how it presents them. I would like to see you expand on the metaphor of you being a cloud blocking the sunshine from your mother and your unjustified guilt at that.

•          Bridge is direct and appealing to an emotional sense. Little things that I don’t care enough about to point out, good job.

Obviously this song meant a lot to you to write, and it mostly works. The main critique I have is that, while the narrator’s voice is consistent, what she wants to say isn’t entirely clear. Basically, it didn’t feel like the narrator felt strongly enough about the situation to me, if that makes sense? It’s still a pretty good song, though, so don’t get hung up on some of my points.

Aurora – Poles Apart

•         Cute title, Pears and I actually met working a pole apart at the gentleman’s club.

•         That pretentious ass first line, we get it, you went to college!

•          Your first verse is magical, I love the imagery it sets up. I’m a sucker for night sky usage (#EmptySkyWasRobbedOfAPHGrammy), and this tickles my fancy quite well. I think replacing “Still” with “Yet” would’ve made the transition between lines smoother. The pretty stars tell pretty lies line is simultaneously cliché and fun, and I could see Kesha using it. Loves it.

•      Girl wtf is idyll? I know idyllic so I inferred but are all your entries gonna require a ****ing thesaurus? Pre-chorus is very Saint Vincent.

•         The chorus is cute and science-y in an edgy Bill Nye kinda way. I’m slightly irked by the lack of consistent rhyme structure in the chorus (AAbbbC, with lowercase being internal rhymes?), but it’s not a huge negative.

•         I’m screaming at you using semitone. Verse 2 is a slay of double entendre and wordplay. It’s so cheeky and smart. Loves it.

•         “That’s just what like poles do”. Yes, I know that ‘like’ in this instance is a direct adjective and not a comparative but it still reads awkwardly. There’s a reason scientific terminology does not oft make it beyond whatever Bjork is doing.

Overall! I! Liked! It! This was a different take on the star-crossed lovers thing, and I actually enjoyed that the metaphor changed each verse, ultimately keeping with the idea of two magnetic poles. Aside from your incessant need to flaunt your vocabulary, I really enjoyed reading this.

Ughgabriel – Prologue/Epilogue

•         Eternally alert is a little long for my taste, but that’s my only critique of the first verse.

•         Love the last line of the pre-chorus.

•        The chorus is very emotionally resonant, even though I think ‘wouldn’t get to say’ and ‘On this journey’ fit better. Probably my favorite chorus this round, it’s just so sweet.

•         Verse 2 is well enough but doesn’t add anything to the storyline you’re developing. It’s kind of non-necessary. The same critique applies to the bridge. If you’re going to detail pre-coma with this much language, you should’ve added some more specific details. As it is, it’s 2 verses and a bridge all expressing the same sentiment, albeit beautifully.

•        “Never-ending frowns” seems very forced. I appreciate the change in structure for the Epilogue portion, symbolizing (I think) a new perspective/chance at life. “It dissipates away with time” is a very good line and flows well.

•        Interlude portion is clunky, mainly because of the time line. Time was one to turn? If the tide was one to turn it would make sense, not sure what you’re going for there.

•           For the chorus of Epilogue, what celestial signs are you talking about in the season conversation? Weather? It’s pretty language but I’m not sure what it means.

•           Having her lines end on the “you were there” was an inspired choice that I like

•         I know you said not to criticize the dolor rhyme, so I won’t. But let me just say that just because a word is great and fits the scheme/definition, doesn’t mean we should always use it. I love the word ‘esoteric’ yet it has never been in a song of mine. For a reason.

•         Middle 8 and Outro are fine

Your chorus is SO good that the rest of the song kinda pales in comparison at points. However, that’s not a completely bad thing since the chorus is supposed to encapsulate the song’s main points. My issues with the song, as callous as they may sound, are that nothing much particularly happens. It’s rumination on the status of this man in a coma from two different perspectives. It’s okay to have that emotional reflection, but, like in the first song especially, it kinda devolved into a dozen different ways to say the same thing. Which CAN work, if the language usage is beautiful/descriptive enough. But, for me, it ultimately felt kinda like Waiting for Godot (@feelslikeadream, probably?). Pretty but a little too underdeveloped. Great concept to work from though, so please keep those kinds of ideas coming.

 

 

[Citrus]

The bullet points are things I thought while reading the song through for the first time, so those will have more specific notes on verses, bridges, etc. Block at the end is more on your chorus/overall effect. 

[khalyan]

2 minutes ago, Citrus said:

How sweet of you to write a song about DripDrip.

That was my thought too  

[ceremonials]

oh

[Citrus]

I don't see the point of me just listing things I liked, that's why Swiftie's here! Ask the Drag Race girls, my scoring is usually nicer than my comments.  

[fountain]

Indeed I love how Poles Apart is a heartbreak anthem about Citrus and I being forced to become strippers for money and having to ***** ourselves to guys when the truth is all we really wanted was each other

[swiftie13]

1 hour ago, Citrus said:

I don't see the point of me just listing things I liked, that's why Swiftie's here! Ask the Drag Race girls, my scoring is usually nicer than my comments.  

I am not Paula, Temporal is Paula.

[fountain]

Tag those rats

[swiftie13]

the atrl tags are so ugly, not part of my aesthetic sorry

[Citrus]

5 minutes ago, Corsola said:

Thanks @Citrus Though '' Little things that I don’t care enough about to point out, good job. '' Am I just stupid cause I don't know what you meant here dsjkd

As in, maybe a syllable or two was off or I disagreed with a word choice. Really minor gripes that ultimately wouldn't be helpful for me to point out. 

[Citrus]

1 hour ago, keshaspearsxo said:

Indeed I love how Poles Apart is a heartbreak anthem about Citrus and I being forced to become strippers for money and having to ***** ourselves to guys when the truth is all we really wanted was each other

I can't wait for the film adaptation. I hope Steve Buscemi plays me

[fountain]

15 minutes ago, swiftie13 said:

the atrl tags are so ugly, not part of my aesthetic sorry

It fits perfect with the DH scheme 

[swiftie13]

it's the wrong shade of blue

[ughgabriel]

Thanks @Citrus 

[Jackson]

Reviews?  

[Citrus]

1 minute ago, Jackson said:

Reviews?  

Jackson is ugly, 3/10

[swiftie13]

let me start now nn

[Jackson]

:(