fountain Posted January 18, 2017 Posted January 18, 2017 (edited) ATRL's #1 tournament game has returned! After 9 successful seasons of ATRL's hit songwriting game, we return for the inaugural Diamond season - celebrating the 10th instalment, marking 4 years since it's debut. Each week the contestants receive a new theme or challenge in which they are allowed 4+ days to write a song for the round and submit their entry. Entries will be judged by the panel leading to eliminations each week - although, not as simply in the past. Switching it up and keeping things new and interesting is integral, and this season finds itself with one key change in the area of eliminations. Unlike past seasons, there will be no typical "comeback round" or "judges save" used to allow early eliminated players or chosen players a second chance to compete. Instead, for the first time, every contestant will have the chance to comeback. After a contestant's first elimination, they will be given a comeback chance, should they choose to take it. If you find yourself eliminated and you wish to use this second chance, first time eliminees are allowed to create and submit an entry for the next round as a bid to be reinstated. If their entry is strong enough, and they have impressed the judges enough to receive a score over a certain threshold, they will be brought back into the competition. Every writer experiences bad weeks - whether just from being busy, lack of inspiration, or whatever it may be. However this season, you can never really count anybody out of the competition. Once a final top 12 has been secured, comebacks will cease. This season also marks the first season to include mentors as well as a judging panel. The mentors are there to offer in-depth advice in the way that judges cannot for fairness. While you can ask anybody for general tips or help, in-depth criticism from the judges is saved until the end of the round, whereas the mentor system allows you to receive help with your song in real time, as you are still writing and adapting it for submission. Judges @keshaspearsxo @Temporal @Hugamari @Cupid @Citrus @swiftie13 Spoiler Mentors @Tymps. @Nait Phoenix Thank you to swiftie13 for graphics! Edited April 11, 2017 by keshaspearsxo
fountain Posted January 18, 2017 Author Posted January 18, 2017 (edited) Round 1: The Twitter Challenge Judges feedback R1:Cupid - Batch 1 - Batch 2 - Batch 3 (pt. 1) - Batch 3 (pt. 2) Hugamari - Batch 1 / Batch 2 - Batch 3 (pt. 1) - Batch 3 (pt. 2) - Batch 3 (pt. 3) Temporal - Batch 1 / Batch 2 - Batch 3 (pt. 1) - Batch 3 (pt. 2) Pears - Batch 1 - Batch 2 - Batch 3Live Results Twitter Challenge rankings ----------------------------------------------------------------- Round #2 - The Pokemon Types Challenge Judges feedback R2:Cupid - Batch 1 Hugamari - Batch 1 - Batch 2 - Batch 3 (pt. 1) - Batch 3 (pt. 2) Temporal - Batch 1 - Batch 2 - Batch 3 Pears - Part 1 - Part 2 Live Results Pokemon Type Challenge rankings ----------------------------------------------------------------- Round #3 - The Duet Challenge Judges feedback R3:Cupid - Batch 1 - Batch 2 Hugamari - Batch 1 - Batch 2 Temporal - Batch 1 - Batch 2 Pears - Batch 1 - Batch 2Live Results Duet Challenge rankings ----------------------------------------------------------------- Round #4 - Hit Titles Judges feedback R4: Hugamari - All Temporal - All Pears - All Live Results Hit Titles Challenge rankings ----------------------------------------------------------------- Round #5 - The Dr Seuss Challenge Judges feedback R5: Cupid - All Hugamari - Part 1 - Part 2 Temporal - Part 1 - Part 2 Pears - All Live Results Dr Seuss Challenge rankings ----------------------------------------------------------------- Round #6 - The Record Label Challenge Judges feedback R6: Hugamari - All Temporal - Part 1 - Part 2 Live Results Record Label Challenge rankings ----------------------------------------------------------------- Round #7 - The Free Round New Panel Announcement Judges feedback R7: Hugamari - Part 1 - Part 2 Temporal - Part 1 - Part 2 Pears - All Citrus - All Swiftie13 - All Live Results Free Round rankings ----------------------------------------------------------------- Round #8 - The Enigma Challenge Judges feedback R8: Hugamari - All Temporal - All Pears - All Citrus - All Swiftie13 - All Live Results Enigma Challenge rankings ----------------------------------------------------------------- Round #9 - The Instrumental Challenge Judges feedback R9: Hugamari - All Temporal - All Pears - All Swiftie13 - All Live Results Instrumental Challenge rankings ----------------------------------------------------------------- Round #10 - The Dr. Luke Challenge Judges feedback R10: Hugamari - All Temporal - All Pears - All Swiftie13 - All Live Results Dr. Luke Challenge rankings ----------------------------------------------------------------- Round #11 - The Semi Final Judges feedback R11: Hugamari - All Temporal - All Pears - All Citrus - All Swiftie13 - All Live Results Semi Final rankings ----------------------------------------------------------------- Round #12 - The Final Live Final Final Reviews Final Placements / Scores / Averages 3rd Place - Ughgabriel 2nd Place - Aurora 1st Place - Jackson Diamond Hit Full Season Rankings ----------------------------------------------------------------- Diamond Hit Grammys ----------------------------------------------------------------- Contestants: 1. Lucky#17 2. swiftie13 3. 8thPrince 4. Aurora 5. Jaxswim 6. katycat737 7. OnikaSlays 8. Moonchild 9. Speezy 10. Jpow 11. Ceremonials 12. Dylobs 13. SaintWest 14. musicislife11 15. TheCheetahwings 16. Gladion 17. minho 18. Auburn 19. Witch Privilege 20. Buyonce1814 21. CountryBritney 22. ughgabriel 23. Lukey 24. Blue. 25. Janey 26. Wild Child 27. Vulnicura 28. Glassmouth 29. FCKNAmbrosia 30. conatus 31. theycallmemaraj 32. OreGuy 33. UFO 34. Aciid 35. XL 36. Tylerbv 37. DripDrip 38. MattyTacos 39. BODERLINE 40. mxtthewdelrey 41. PhreshDiamond 42. Pectina Mariah 43. Achilles. 44. St. Charles 45. Alena 46. RihsusChrist(ATG) 47. Legacy 48. Jackson 49. funnellegs 50. beatinglikeadrum 51. Erotic 52. Obsession 53. DevonDreams 54. Uneek 55. Kunst 56. Abyssy 57. Courtney Love 58. highdefinition 59. Corsola 60. Scene. 61. Ventitonic 62. Citrus Edited March 29, 2017 by keshaspearsxo
Temporal Posted January 19, 2017 Posted January 19, 2017 Quote 1. funnellegs - Wooden Branches The whole kii about “wooden branches” is that “wooden” was redundant, so to see you commit that sin was a bit jarring, but I’ll cut you some slack on it since it WAS a title you were given. Anyways, I was very confused by this song, I just don’t know what’s happening. There’s a lot of imagery in here, but nothing feels grounded enough for me to get the big picture. You should’ve stuck to one image and elaborated on that, instead of throwing everything at the wall to see what would stick (dripping in gold, falling into the sky, soldiers, “natural roads”, gifts, and finally the wooden branches). I liked your style, though. “want for warm nights” this isn’t a complete cause methinks (either way this bit was just awkward) “Beautiful/Bountiful” “while/exile” were VERY forced 2. Kunst - The Times This was alright, but it was really missing any punches. This is a pretty standard nostalgia song but it really lacked a strong image or theme to tie it all together and make it all memorable. You had some nice moments, but I wanted a more original take. “Exploding” was perhaps too strong of a word to use with “flowers” 2nd verse was good The bridge was pretty week, the repeated lines were kinda annoying, especially the 4th line 3. Corsola - Wooden Branches This song was decent, but I was really disappointed when the narrative shifted to being another love song. The verse and chorus from the perspective of a tree was pretty cool, I liked the idea of “watched how many birds flew” for instance and thought this song was going to have a really original take, but when the 2nd verse came around I felt pretty let down. “I'm a cherry blossom tree” if you want to use a metaphor, you shouldn’t blatantly tell us “HEY THIS IS WHAT I’M TRYING TO DO!!!!” We probably would’ve gotten it with the rest of the 1st verse by itself anyways. The 2nd verse was not don’t well; ex. you rhymed “moon” with “soon” and “skies” with “sky” The change in subject was also very jarring. “He is just a cruel tornado” “cruel tornado” feels a bit cheesy 4. TheCheetahWings - Island This entry was good, but my biggest issue was the pace of it. There were a number of redundant or stagnant lines that didn’t move the piece forward, and that hampered a pretty solid and cute concept. Otherwise, your language and imagery was quite nice. “You were cast away from another place” this line was redundant with those before it “You were holding out for another place / But the life you once had was gone” again pretty redundant with those lines before it, but this error pretty much killed the entire second verse. “sand/island” as a rhyme was a stretch, and “storm/reborn” was hella forced “You said you found a new escape / Through the lightning in the sky” this is a pretty image, but totally impractical Nonetheless, I quite liked this! 5. Dylobs - The Times So, I’m not sure how to synthesize my thoughts on this entry. I’ll say that the concept was cute, and it was a generally okay entry. My issues were the following: The style throughout was too straightforward; you should’ve masked some of these lyrics with some type of literary devices, be it a metaphor or whatnot. “Across the table and start the chat / About the reasons you chose to cheat” is an example of language that’s not very lyrical at all. “I watch the pavement through the glass / Waiting for you to enter the store” was a bit better because of the image that you presented in the first line, but the second line was meh. The verses were a bit long and took away the “song” nature “So that it'd waiting for you” oh “But the minutes turning to an hour / Is when my mood begins to sour” tenses made this clunky “But when the minutes turn to hours” OR “But when the minutes turned to hours” would work better. 6. UFO - House of Cartoons I felt… confused by this entry. The delivery of this concept just felt… sloppy? “Don't feed me anymore sweet, sweet nothings / Are you trying to make me fat” for example did not fit at ALL with the rest of the style, even in the same pre-chorus. There are just some words that can’t be taken seriously in a ~poetic~ or ~lyrical~ piece, and “fat” is most definitely one of them. I don’t think you really stuck to the “House of Cartoons” motif either, “House” was definitely there, but “Cartoons” felt totally ignored. “Here I marinate in my feelings” girl you just canNOT use “marinate” in a song and not expect me to think of chicken. “Are you trying to make me fat” see above. “I'm compressed into one tiny space / Like an animal I'm kept in a cage” I KNOW you can do better than this bland ass metaphor. 7. Achilles - Island I think what made Vulnicura’s original so potent was that his song wasn’t about a literal “island”. It had much deeper symbolism, and from what I remember, there wasn’t an ounce of water imagery or anything of the sort. This song just felt a bit predictable and simple, talking about isolation with some summery imagery. It wasn’t a bad song, just more of a forgettable one. I only have nitpicky technical quarrels, but aside from those, you handled the technical aspects deftly. “West/Blessed” was hella forced The ending kind of confused me, in the bridge you say you’re going to leave, but then in the chorus you say you won’t? And you’re going to live on the island despite you saying there’s not point of doing so earlier in the verses? If the bridge was supposed to be suicidal by setting out “into the west” to the “Isle of Blessed” as a Heaven metaphor, the last chorus should’ve reflected that better. 8. Citrus - the Times This was good, and from what I remember, you gave it a different meaning from KWORB’s version. I think you handled the concept well, it felt fresh even though it’s not a particularly original idea. “But I can’t recall the times” unfortunately the title felt a bit trite here, if you can’t remember “the times” of the movies, you could just ask the man you’re talking to :toofunny: It just didn’t feel as poised and poetic as you wanted it to be. If you wanted it to mean “the times” as in the period of time when your movies played, that would fall a bit flat as well since you go through describing that time in detail, but that’s just a minor quarrel since I don’t think that’s something you were considering. “Chair/Hair” was SO forced, the “hair” line was such a throwaway. 9. MattyTacos - i Okay, two main things: 1, there was a lot of non-lyrical lines here that read more like straight, bland sentences. 2, you needed a stronger rhyme scheme, or at the very least, more rhymes. That being said, you did seem to do a lot of rhyming just for the sake of rhyming. “Am I wasting my time? / Praying you give me a sign” Kinda nitpicky, but the first two lines were complete sentences and the first even read like a straight non-lyrical sentence, so to break that kind of pattern with the 4th line was annoying. The first verse was very… odd. There was a lot of non-lyricism - “You have a way of completing tasks” - and the question at the end was really trite and contradictory. The chorus was a bit weak, especially with the ending. A tighter rhyme scheme could’ve made it punch more; it felt a bit lazy. 10. SaintWest - Gone With the Breeze So, this was a very beautiful entry stylistically, however, I feel that you were cramming too many ideas and images into this. You bring in this images and motifs for only a split second - at most times single line - then you never go back to them. There was a good bit of fire and water in this, but things like “ashes smeared onto my palms”, “fragile porcelain cracked with age”, and “[making] it to the shore” didn’t go anywhere, and you even introduced “a key” and failed to explain what it unlocked (the very next line you’re talking about being born from gasoline). The first verses imagery is very pretty, but it’s all so sporadic. The Pre-Chorus at least had the thread of fire through it, but the first verse didn’t have any common ground with the images. “My mind is still, no longer still / Gone with the breeze” This was confusing. I didn’t know where to read “still” as “remains” or as “not moving”. Either way I arranged it, this couplet didn’t make total sense, or was just awkward, especially for it containing the title of the song. “Breeze” was repeated a biT too much IMO. The outro was quite nice 11. jpow - Deer The writing of this song itself was pretty good, but my biggest complaint is the structuring of this. You take a lot of time to set everything up in the verse, which itself is half of the song. The bridge was weak and the chorus was kinda jarring with the transition from talking so sweetly about the forest and deer, to suddenly being at a “deer lodge.” I think the metaphor was somewhat weak as well, but overall, stylistically, this was more along the right path than your other entries this season. “deer/fear” was forced and that couplet was just unnecessary, that verse would’ve ended better without it “crazy days” “crazy” was a lady adjective “setting sun/break of dawn” was low key masterful The bridge was weak and a bit lazy; if you’re going to set up a question that’s the entire focus of the bridge, it should be a good one, you know? The resolution was just weak. 12. Gladion - Double on Tundra So like… why did you write a song for your own title? Anyways, like a lot of entires this week apparently, you do a lot of telling and not showing, ex. “They are dry like our soul” and “We lay on this mountain”. The other issue, again one in a lot of entires this week, is the lack of direction. There wasn’t anything egregious about this entry though. “Stranded on this tundra” should be “in this tundra” The use of “stubborn” both in the verse and in the bridge was… not good? That’s just not a word worthy of repeating twice in a lyric writing competition. “My tears freeze when I cry” this does nothing to aid the song other than aid some more fruitless ice imagery. 13. Speezy - Get to Heaven Your biggest issue was word choice/vocabulary. It made this piece read very awkwardly, killed any sense of meter, and made this not like a song at all. This also needed more grounding in a metaphor, like WHAT have you done to where you might not get to heaven? The song was essentially repeating “I’m a bad person, pls forgive me” over and over. I can tell that you’re pushing yourself, and I THINK this is an improvement, but there is definitely more to be honed here. “and they can't be unseen” the “black paint” is a “they”? “All the foreign exchange and tragic things / I don't want to be acquainted.” I don’t get what “foreign exchange” is doing here. “Get me to heaven safely my lord / I apologize for surrounding my self with twisted beings and malicious things” Girl WHERE is your meter? 14. Auburn - Nighthawks If I had to choose one song to be the epitome of Platinum Hit, it would be this. I feel like I’ve read this song 400 times before honestly. The whole dark vibe, the “running and hiding,” and the flowery, thoughtless language here is seen a LOT in the early rounds. First verse rhymes were really bland and it didn’t have any direction (the first 4 lines and the last 4 lines felt repetitive) “Than any unfriendly stare” “unfriendly” isn’t a strong word The chorus was really weak, the rhymes weren’t really doing anything except boxing you into cheesy rhymes and bland lines. Note: when I say “bland” here, I’m NOT saying that you were being too straightforward like I may with reviews for other songs, you do try to use a poetic style, but there aren’t any punches in this song and there isn’t a story or narrative here either. It was just very stagnant. 15. 8thPrince - Thank You. I Love You. Goodbye. This entire entry was too prosey and verbose. There wasn’t a strong flow to it, and a number of the lines were clunky (Case in point: “Like the minute and short hands sweep the clock’s face”). The prose itself is nice and mostly well-written - the 2nd stanza of the chorus is BEAUTIFUL - and there are some particularly nice images and ideas, but you didn’t make them concise enough for song lyrics in my opinion. Pretty much all of my quarrels go back to those issues, so I don’t have a lot of comments otherwise. “Riding on Halley’s Comet like a rocket ship” the “Halley’s Comet” reference felt a bit extra. “If a lifetime’s a hope at the farthest extremes / Then this second will be my wildest dream“ this is pretty at face value but I don’t see it having practical meaning, at least to the extent of the other lyrics here. 16. swiftie13 - Heartwater The homophone rhyming was very ambitious for sure, and it could’ve paid off, but all of those rhymes just came off as very forced; you were really bending over backwards to make the rhymes work and even then, for the most part, they didn’t (mainly “prey/prayed”), and just wasn’t worth it. Your style was pretty, but the song really suffered from a lack of direction. I don’t get how a “vein” could know someone as a habit either. The 2nd stanza of the first verse just fell very flat. 17. ughgabriel - Siren Song So this song was pretty, and definitely reads like an a dark, Into You level bop, but I feel like a lot of the words and imagery here were used just for face level “ooooo” factor. They don’t seem to hold much water or meaning beyond that, i.e. the criticism that I got when I threw a song together really quick! Not saying that you did that, but I feel like I understand how this could have happened. I want a much stronger idea or concept for next round rather than just cramming as much dark and fire imagery into a song as you can to say “SUICIDE”. The tense of the first verse is really messy. The entire section needed to be redone to some extent. The second verse also suffered but to a lesser extent. “Smokes/stokes” “sea/debris” and “heat/defeat” were v forced “Ring the alert” was awkward, literally no one uses that phrase in English “Sweet inferno, you were unkind” “unkind” isn’t a strong enough word, which is accentuated by the AAAA rhyme scheme 18. Jackson - Island This was a clean and well executed song. I don’t have any major complaints really. Your imagery was pretty tasteful aside from the 2nd verse where some images - particularly “aurora lights” - felt thrown in purely for aesthetic purposes rather than practical ones. The concept was a bit barebones as well, but I don’t feel hard pressed to really slam you for those issues when aside from that the song was very tight. “And when the harshest cyclones hit / They're teaching me to sail my ship” p sure this should be “they’ll teach me (how)” (the first line sets up the conditional tense) The 2nd verse was nice, but I don’t feel like it added anything to the song. In a way, it felt banal. Not in the imagery or prose - which, at moments was a bit trite - but in the underlying message that it was trying to describe, it didn’t add anything to what you already said beforehand. Does that make sense? :toofunny: Regardless, that was the weakest part of the song for me. “Depths/Crests” kind of toed the line between forced and clever, but I think thankfully it leans more towards the latter. 19. Aurora - Deer This song was a bit gimmicky for sure, but for the most part, I’m happy to say it paid off. It wasn’t perfect, but I enjoyed the metaphor of vulnerability and the lyrical plays you made. “Dance on the edge of a bayonet” is one of my fave lyrics of the season thus far honestly. My major complaint is that the narration got a bit exhausting with the length, especially when you “dart for escape” and you narrate all the consequences of that afterwards, it felt very artificial. Otherwise, I was really impressed by the artistic plays you made to commit to the “deer” idea. “If I don't run; will leave me dead” this line was v choppy, I think changing “will” to “he’ll” would’ve made this look and read better (you would just need a comma as opposed to the semicolon) “My hunter friend's returned” Ladies and gentlemen, I’m just going to state the obvious, we have a doppelganger in our midst. I… as an artist who respects creative, integrity, and intellectual property, I’m disgusted at how much you have copied me from the hair to the suit. Do you not have any value or respect for originality? You’re a laughing stock, its cheesy, it’s disgusting. “The hunter or my demons” Ladies and gentlemen, I’m just going to state the obvious, we have a doppelganger in our midst. I… as an artist who respects creative, integrity, and intellectual property, I’m disgusted at how much you have copied me from the hair to the suit. Do you not have any value or respect for originality? You’re a laughing stock, its cheesy, it’s disgusting. 20. Ceremonials - the Times So this song was good, but I want to caution you on the gimmick that you've seemingly taken a liking to, which is to use mourning and death for emotional bonus points. You can only use it one so many times before it starts to get monotonous and pale in comparison to the other songs you've written in that vein. It was fine for this week, but I'd really recommend straying away from this kind of songwriting for the next week at least. "Maybe it hurts the most this time of year" not "maybe", does it, or does it not? "December/remember" okay pretty much ANYTIME you want to rhyme with a month of the year, it will come off forced, Thankfully, this one wasn't overwhelmingly egregious, but I would highly recommend avoiding this in the future if you can! You didn't need to use the "look at the sky, our dead homie is up there" motif more than once The rhymes in the outro were very trite Overall I wanted more couplets to puncH, there wasn't a high point to this song (I think the outro tried to be, but the rhymes really killed it for me). 39 25 21 4 17
Temporal Posted January 19, 2017 Posted January 19, 2017 I spent a good 30 minutes editing that Reviews post, jesus fucking christ I'll finish the 5 missing reviews now.
ATRL Moderator khalyan Posted January 19, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted January 19, 2017 wow we'll finally get results maybe
Temporal Posted January 19, 2017 Posted January 19, 2017 oh god I heard the "ding" for new replies and I was triggered b/c Church of Pop
Hug Posted January 19, 2017 Posted January 19, 2017 (edited) Hugamari's Comments Round 4 (reposting here because I know not everyone will have saw it, and also will be useful for the OP) Quote funnellegs - Wooden Branches You had a relatively strong start, but I felt that slip away as I continued going through. I think, for me, the chorus was when it really started going down. I do not get the “soldiers of memory” part, seeing as none of your other lines have anything to do with...soldiers or war. “...they know it all, so here we go” is also a line that just fell completely flat for me. Where are you going? I suppose it’s more along the lines of when you’re getting ready to do something rather than go somewhere, so..what are you doing? I’m guessing remembering something, but that’s hard to tell. I’m only focusing so much on the chorus specifically because I tend to think it’s the most important part of a song, but it felt throwaway here. Something outside of the chorus, though - “beautiful/bountiful” was hard to read. Delete that. I did say you had a strong start, so let me tell you what i did enjoy. All of the first three lines were nice, even if “Dripping in gold” isn’t all that novel. I also liked the falling into the sky part. It doesn’t necessarily make that much sense, but I thought it sounded nice. Kunst - The Times Alright, so I’m not going to make a bold claim that all your imagery was nonsense and pretty words. I am, however, going to tell you that I have no idea what you meant by anything in the first verse. Are the “Exploding flowers” symbolic of them growing for spring? It seems like a very...violent way to describe it. Maybe you were going for the juxtaposition with the following “gentle showers”, but I didn’t quite get that. I just ended up more confused than anything. Even if this is your idea with the verse (as in, talking about Spring coming back around), you seem to have lost that idea with the chorus, and it becomes about boys who cry and girls who get high. (I wasn’t a fan of that rhyme, by the way; It almost felt predictable.) I’m also not sure what the second half of your chorus represents at all. It suddenly reads like a self-empowerment anthem? The second verse is better than your first, in my opinion, I could obviously tell the ideas were there (I did like the sunlight spilling onto the streets paved by mistakes idea), the execution seems to be what gets you here, and that’s a common theme in your whole entry. Particularly, where I think your execution let you down is in how you decided to rhyme your words. sweet/streets, sins/skin, and even mistakes/take all were a bit too forced sounding to me, like you were looking for a better word, but stuck with those because they rhymed. What is the significance of “Scarlett letters”? It seems like you had an idea for “Scarlett Bitch”, but abandoned it, and used that line for this song. The bridge is the clunkiest part of your whole song. The rhythm I did pick up was very monotonous to go through, but I get the idea behind it. Then we get to your final chorus, and things are put into perspective. This song is about how society is changing and either those that were were considered taboo before (like women being equal and men being gay) are becoming more accepted, or are simply no longer caring about being accepted and are going to go do what they want regardless. It’s a cool idea, but seeing as the execution was all over the place, and the song could’ve had at least three different themes, the power behind it becomes lost. Corsola - Wooden Branches The first verse I really enjoyed that. Maybe because it reminded me of smash hit Yozakura (which should’ve been a title choice for this round!!). At any rate, definitely a career highlight for you so far. Speaking of: “When your flowers grow in spring / When your petals drop in fall” !!!! you DID THAT!! Best couplet in your career as of now :lakitu: Verse two was...not as great as verse one. The switch between winter/summer and sun/moon metaphors felt unneeded. Would’ve been much better to see you stick with one or the other (or possibly just keep the theme set up in verse one for ultra-consistency) It took me awhile to get what you meant by the line at the end of the bridge, but once I did, it really put the whole entry into perspective. At any rate, you still have some things that could be worked on, but comparing this to Round 1, there is a definite growth that I really enjoyed being able to see first hand. TheCheetahwings - Island You had a good meter, an interesting topic, and little faults as far as execution of ideas went, but there are a few things that I will comment on. The chance/circumstance couplet was a bit messy, mostly because of “A brand new chance” - that was there to fill meter. The choruses felt a little too plain for me. They could’ve merged with the verses easily...those are the only things I can think specifically to comment on, actually - although the way you ended the song the same way it began, although with a different tone, was a highlight. Ughgabriel - Siren Song Did not one person tell you to change “Sweet inferno, you were unkind” to “Sweet inferno, so unkind” so you could fulfill your meter?..or did you not show this to anybody before submitting? (inb4 you had it like that before and someone told you to change it.) At any rate, this was such an obvious change to me that I had to point it out. Speaking of obvious changes, “Ring the alert”??? I know we tell y’all to avoid cliches, but this doesn’t really make sense. Alarm would’ve worked better, and sounds better when followed by “siren song”. OMG and here’s another one. “You gave me time to show the signs”...if you changed “show” to “read”, not only would you have an internal rhyme of me/read, it also goes better with “peace of mind”. LORD there are so many small changes you could’ve made to really elevate the whole thing. Anyway, the reason I am harping on about small things because you did very well, generally. I absolutely adore how the whole song reads, it has such a nice, natural rhythm. You really nailed it there. (The pre chorus could’ve been deleted, but I digress.) Dylobs - The Times So, I will try not to make any assumptions, but to me, it seemed like this was you trying to write through writer’s block. You can clock me on that if you want, but that’s how it felt. A lot of your rhymes felt too on-the-nose (“door/store”, “seat/cheat”; two examples), and I couldn’t help but think you were trying to tell this story more than have good lyrics, and it ended up coming across as a rhyming diary entry. I do think your idea was an intriguing one (you seem to have good ideas in abundance), but the execution was definitely off this week. UFO - House of Cartoons I’m going to admit it - the line about the sweet nothings made me laugh. “Are you trying to make me fat” I don’t know if this was intentional, but this felt very mxtthew/PC Music, but in an enjoyable way. It made me miss him, actually. :( I was triggered by your use of triggers, as well as the chorus, where you ended a line on “of”. WHY DID YOU DO THAT. Also, I’m wondering what this song is even about...is it about being a schizophrenic? That’s what it’s giving me tbh. Quite an interesting take on the topic, if so! Achilles. - Island So, is this literally about being on an island, far from society, and killing yourself to escape? If so, it’s interesting to take such a literal approach, and if not...I can’t tell what it actually means. I’ll give the benefit of a doubt and say you meant it literally. You had some cute stand-out lines, my favorite being “...there’s only one way this story ends/so what’s the point in adding chapters”, given this would’ve been more effective in a verse all about book metaphors, but it was cute regardless. Something that’s different from your last entries that I noticed is the chorus just didn’t really stand-out, and it nearly played second fiddle to the verses, which isn’t what you want. As i said earlier, you had some cute lines, but as a whole, it didn’t seem as strong to me. I think the challenge may be responsible, though, as you didn’t get to choose your own title Citrus - The Times The biggest fault in this song was you having to use the title. I think you’re aware of that. The song itself, in all honesty, has charm, but it felt dragged down by having to shove “The Times” somewhere in it. I liked the changing choruses, it was a nice touch. Something that I didn’t get was how, even though he has Alzheimer’s, it’s shown that he remembers his childhood, in some form. I do not exactly know how Alzheimer's works, but I do know that people can forget people they’ve known all their life, so it doesn’t seem so farfetched to think he would forget what his ambitions as a child were. Ignore that part completely if your character in this song doesn’t actually have Alzheimer's, and is just a wee tad forgetful. Auburn - Nighthawks The chorus was fun, even if I I'm ever so slightly irked by you ending a line with “I”. I imagined this song being in a more pop format, which allowed me to forgive it, though. On that note, this did have a feel of being a song that’s actually able to be sung - at the very least, the chorus feels that way. In that way, your chorus stands out. The verses, on the other hand, didn’t seem to capture my interest. It was typical early game lyricism, thematically. I do suppose it’s nice that the choruses stick out, but making the verses uneventful isn’t the right way to go about it. I do hope to see more like your chorus, though. Ceremonials - The Times I do actually like the prospect of connecting your older works into a song, though I would’ve appreciated something like this later on, and you could’ve chose some of your career highlights :’( It makes sense in a chronological order to do it now, though. I know Temporal said this already, but be weary of your topics becoming samey, and it turns into you just trying to rewrite the same song to better results. I would try something a little more...out there in theme next week, should you be here for it. (I can’t see why you wouldn’t be, but I’ve been gagged by this game before.) I can’t tell you much in the way of specifics, except: DO NOT use proper nouns to rhyme. Seldom does it work. Also, her/dirt was there to rhyme, it was a tad obvious. MattyTacos - i Okay, so this is a religious-themed song, so there’s - points from the start, BUT it did have its tongue-in-cheek moments, so + points. Then there’s the fact that I didn’t really get the sense that there was a song to be had here…- points. I do appreciate the way you incorporated the title, as in, you made a song about moving from a religion that expects you to devote your life to an omniscient, omnipresent being, to doing what you want, and in that way, “i” was a very fitting and creative use of the title, and although I typically wouldn’t grade on titles, it was part of the challenge this week, so + points. Where does that leave us? With a very “meh” perception of the whole thing. It had its moments, but the highlights weren’t that high, the low moments werent too low, and it just felt like you wanted to be safe (in scores, not in theme or w/e) this week. Break out that song about your dying grandma for that #1 next week. Jackson - Island This was fun. Tranquility reminded me of unconditionally, but other than that, it was great. The way you ended your chorus This is definitely an example of a strong chorus that wasn’t only strong due to weak verses. What I would like to see from other people. Swiftie13 - Heartwater I think you making your song that short, and your choice of rhymes, were both very daring. I appreciated that about it. I think expanding on the “a lullaby for you” part could’ve done something for the song, but I imagine it would just be “lalala lala” afterwards if it was a real song, and I would’ve just dragged you for doing that, so it’s probably better that you didn’t. I think with your format, though, having it be more simple in language choice would’ve taken it further. It would’ve been a genuine case of authentically minimalist. At any rate, it wasn’t the worst this week. 8thPrince - Thank You. I Love You. Goodbye. You know what? Despite the fact that I still think the language choice almost takes away from any emotion we’re supposed to be getting from this, I actually quite enjoyed this entry. You had a lot of great lines here, such as: “Like bright fireflies, can I bottle the sky?” and “Even your body language is foreign to me”, I thought those were standouts. Something I can critique you on, though...I am an advocate for making sure your metaphors are thematically consistent, but to me, “...solar figure eights” was an attempt at making it fit that just didn’t need to be there. I did like the general idea of that line, but the “solar” part was not needed. The line would’ve been just as good without it, and I don’t think I would have said anything if you made it like that. This is my favorite entry from you so far this season, though. Great job. Gone With The Breeze - SaintWest The very first thing I’m going to mention is the way your song plays out. It has such a nice rhythm to it. I’m also amazed that you kept it up as long as you did, because truthfully, I found it a bit excessive in length. It’s fine if you need it to say everything you had to, though. Although thematically, I found this entry to be typical PH, I did find a standout line in “...and for my past, some gasoline”. I think it was a creative way to get your idea across. Something I didn’t get, however, was “I shone with champagne flames”...what was the significance in this line? Is it about overcoming an alcohol addiction, or did the gasoline suddenly turn into champagne? I suppose it sounds nice, but I do not know what I’m supposed to be connecting it to. Regardless, you had a really nice way with rhythm in this, but I think having something slightly more concise, as well as making sure your imagery is relevant, would really elevate your work. I’m looking forward to your next entry, though. Jpow - Deer “deer/fear”? Delete that. Now onto more serious comments, the length is appreciated, although maybe it was a bit too short. I would’ve liked to see more of a story here...I do get why someone would want to go away from the city to be more with nature, but besides for randomly seeing a buck in the woods, why would the person in this entry want to escape to the woods to be like a deer? This isn’t touched much, if at all, and I think this could’ve made for an interesting verse. I also think the idea of escaping with someone and “getting away from the world” is a tad played out, and you didn’t do much to put a different spin on the idea. Also, I don’t think the outro did anything to enhance your song. Gladion - Double On Tundra As someone who saw the original Double On Tundra, this one pales in comparison. I wouldn’t mention this in anyone else’s entry, but you chose a title that was originally yours. The first one was so much more...original and inspired, and this one felt like, albeit polished, a more worn down and typical rehash. The chorus was completely uneventful and forgettable. The bridge also had something that could’ve very easily been fixed. You used ‘but’ two times within two lines, and it isn’t a good look. Changing the second ‘but’ to ‘and’ would fix that. Speezy - Get To Heaven “I apologize for surrounding myself with twisted beings and malicious things” WOW that’s a mouthful just for one line in a chorus. This is going to bring me to my main point here: the meter is all over the place, if there even is one.Even if the meter wasn’t questionable, the song is also very typical thematically, and I don’t see anything to make it personable to you or unique. I think if the way you presented the idea was a tad more novel, it would’ve took it a long way. Auroroa - Deer So, normally I would’ve said something about having the same rhyme for all of a verse being monotonous, but I actually enjoyed that about your verse. You pulled that off nicely. I also really liked how you approached the idea of a “deer”. Something I will say, for criticism’s sake, is that I think ending on “now this deer has died” would’ve been a powerful ending, and the outro wasn’t necessarily needed. I do get that the outro gives us the reason the deer died, but so does the bridge, and it does it less bluntly. It had a nice subtlety to it that was perfect for the song. Anyway, I think you’ll be the first successful comeback of the season, so welcome back. Edited January 20, 2017 by Hugamari
ATRL Moderator khalyan Posted January 19, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted January 19, 2017 thanks for the reviews, fats!
Temporal Posted January 19, 2017 Posted January 19, 2017 why does that review post keep adding random numbers that I can't delete when I edit?
Auburn Posted January 19, 2017 Posted January 19, 2017 drag me, eliminate me, end me, delete me, whew I don't even remember my song
ceremonials Posted January 19, 2017 Posted January 19, 2017 32 minutes ago, Jackson said: perched for my 21/4 tf is 21/4
Jackson Posted January 19, 2017 Posted January 19, 2017 icymi http://classic.atrl.net/forums/showthread.php?t=1111742
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