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MADONNA, A LIFE STORY

Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone was born in some ghetto ass neighborhood back when Algeria wasn't a country yet. Born to a mother with beta genes and a father who married the help, she managed to get a motherless yet healthy childhood (which is difficult to get, not everybody has that, as she grew up in Michigan, that indie state (in 2017). An attention ***** by nature, Madonna felt she had to do indie things in order to feel like she was doing something worthy for herself and the world, so she refused the learn the discipline of shaving, among other civilized things so she probably reeked of B.O. in school. Some years after high school, Madonna decided to leave her flop house and moved to New York, a city which used to be cool back then with only 35 bucks and some of Kanye's apparel.

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Pictured: FLOP.

After being fired from several places for being Madonna, she discovered her real talent: taking her clothes off, something she did several times with art and beauty as an excuse. Madonna finally landed a record deal, which gave us Everybody, which was a complete FLOP in the mainstream charts, but a cute hit in the dance clubs. She then released other hits, such as Burning Up, Borderline, Lucky Star and Holiday, the latter 3 being some of her most popular songs as of today. By then, Madonna was a known singer but still a bit on the indie side, relative speaking. Her image was starting to become iconic for the decade, by wearing all those silly things all over her body. She was hip now, something she is struggling to be 34 years later.

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Pictured: ICON


Now it was time to move on to bigger, newer things, so Like A Virgin was born. She was also invited to the first VMA's, where she ground on that wood so well it gave her internatonal notoriety and shot her celebrity and single up the charts like never before, of course 30 years later she said it was all about her shoe but she is a known liar so whatever. This album contains some of Madonna's most iconic hits such as Material Girl and the tile track, songs she wishes they were as big as Candy Shop and Heartbeat (all of this is in her head, we all know she lives in a warped reality where her jokes are actually funny and her boobs remain naturally in their place).

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PICTURED: ****

Madonna soon came out with a new single and a brand new image, something rarely seen back then, with Live To Tell. Madonna RUINED her hair by cutting it off and looking like a German middle aged lesbian, but it topped the charts so whatever. She released True Blue shortly afterwards, which has sold around the same as Katy Perry's entire discography. Now this era, for me is the birth of Troll Madonna, tackling the church with her nipply hit Papa Don't Preach is the beginning of the as-of-now endless troll antics this woman does. It also made her a global icon with the release of La Isla Bonita, which is one of her biggest hits in Latin America and Europe. She also toured with this album, which gave her stadium crowds whenever she went to. By now, this legend had already amassed over 10 hits:rip:  oh I forgot to say she was in a panned film but no one cared. It's important to note that after the big film soundtrack hits that Crazy For You, Live To Tell and Who's That Girl were, Madonna somehow believes it means she must be a talented actress, again..somehow.

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Success AND short hair? Katy Perry can't relate.


A bat to the skull later, Madonna was ready to go back on the road with the release of Like A Prayer, EVERYONE knew she was the **** so she had all this promo lined up under the name of Pepsi, a brand that no one uses but seems to be everywhere, a U2 tea. But oh Madonna always has some antics under her sleeve! So after Pepsi agreed to do a deal with her, Madonna decides to release a sexually charged video full of burning crosses and black Jesus  dancing around pretending her tatas aren't about to pop out of her unknowingly tight dress.

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PICTURED: The face of a PSYCHOPATH.

Pepsi backed out and Madonna kept the coins, the era went on and Like A Prayer ended up being Madonna's biggest hit (of course a song about fellatio is her biggest song, hehe). Following the success of the lead single, Madonna released Express Yourself, the reason Gaga is over, Cherish, the reason you can't tell your cute girl next door looking friend is a huge **** and Oh Father, the reason Vogue was born, more or less. Oh she also released Keep It Together and that pink elephant atrocity but we shouldn't get there tbh. In all seriousness, this album, along with True Blue, made Madonna a video queen, you can taste the opulence, the class, the photography, ugh legend.
1990 comes and Madonna can't be stopped! She releases I'm Breathless, a soundtrack from her film, Dick Tracy, a film where she actually does well and she looks good when shot from different angles, the singles Vogue, Hanky Panky (better than Vogue) and the ICONIC, EVERLASTING, KATY PERRY OUTSELLER, CAREER DESTROYER IMMACULATE COLLECTION. This greatest hits album remains as massive as ever and everytime it charts in the 2010's is a daily, PAINFUL reminder that Janet Jackson's decade **** remains as forgotten as it has been since its release.

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PICTURED: Not Janet.


This iconic compilation yields 2 new songs, Justify My Love and Rescue Me, which is better than every Nicki Minaj song ever released. But let's talk about Justify My Love, Madonna was ON FIRE in this video, making out with her current slam pieces and just being Madonna I guess  :rip:  The video caused a HUGE uproar back then, banned from airing on TV and people claming Madonna to go away, now Madonna probably had the biggest throbbing cavernous body engorging due to blood flow redirection ever, so she clapbacked by selling the video and getting richer than we will ever be, she cares more about the money than about us after all.

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PICTURED: Class meets ass.

She also toured this year with her Blond Ambition tour, the reason gays have heightened sensitivity in their nether regions. This tour is the reason every other female artist feel they can pull of theatrical numbers in their shows but they all fail miserabley WITH NO EXCEPTION. She also showed us how she fickles her bean, how she bends over, how she humps her bed when her violent lovers are gone, and most importantly, how she CROWS. Also try to find her ass during this tour, jeez. This tour also gave her the name of Twink Exploiter and became the pioneer of reality TV, inspiring shows such as The Simple Life and Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

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PICTURED: Business as usual.

This bitch doesn't seem to rest that much because she went straight into filming a movie with Tom Hanks and her lesbian friend and Trump's Nemesis, Rosie O' Donnell, a film where she still can be shot from any angle without any risk at all. For the film, she released a cute ballad, This Used To Be My Playground, a song about her touring power in 2015, it also hit No.1 but no one remembers that, say goodbye to yesterday I guess. After the song had its run, it was time for new Madonna content! And this bitch went to a recording studio in some random hostel in Slovakia and delivered one of her best albums according to leather bound, gynecological tables using gays: Erotica. The album wasn't just enough! Madonna decided it would be a 'cute' idea to release a book full of images where she rims strangers, gets her cuca tickled by motorists, shaves a poor soul's pubic area, looks at her chocotorro using a mirror, shows every square inch of her boobs, fantasizes about underage men and animals, etc. Of course, because we live in a morbid, sick world, the book has sold more than the Bible and every year, leathery gays look for it online in hopes of getting it. She also released a movie but shhhhhh. Back to the album, the lead single, Erotica, was a radio hit more or less, which is weird considering all she does is moan...

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Go to bed Madonna.


The rest of the singles didn't do well, except Deeper and Deeper (her 2nd best song) and Rain, which was clearly released to start a softening campaign, transparent bitch. Her persona during this era was unapologetic as ****, being an absolute mess in some interviews and even shading ABBA in another one, thinking she wouldn't run to them desperately for help 12 years later. She decided to embark on a tour with this album, completely ignoring most of her hits and focusing on a shipped back album apparently, according to a pressed soul. She still managed to fill up entire parks and courts whose capacity was way bigger than the Aloha Stadium, sell out 3 MSG shows and just slay overall, because again, people are HYPOCRITES. 

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PICTURED: ****.

Shortly after banging men from the finest broken families in Miami, Madonna felt the need to soften her image in order to deceive the public in order to troll some more in the future, so she lay low relatively speaking, then released the GORGEOUS ballad, I'll Remember, which is one of her biggest American hits but since she has so many classics she has the luxury of paying dust to some of them while some others cling to their  2, 3 hits like Cindy Lauper.
Bedtime Stories eventually came out, her best album according to black people. The lead single, Secret, managed to peak at 3, but the album starting serving legs the moment she released Take A Bow, her longest staying No.1 for some reason . Madonna was feeling herself after releasing a hit that lasted more than 3 weeks at the top of the charts so it was time to troll again and release Human Nature, basically a big fat JK to the world for thinking Madonna would somehow stop being the legendary troll she is, coupled with a scandalous David Letterman interview where she talked about banging entire basketball teams (same) the world stopped cheering and just accepted the fact that this bitch ain't going away anytime soon. 

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PICTURED: SEXUAL PEST.

Madonna kept shoving her classy persona down our throats by deciding to release a ballad compilation called Something To Remember, her best album according to frigid gays. She served class, pretended her messy antics were over, that her vagina was sewn shut, that life was all about church, God and heartbreak minus the sex, vanilla queen. (This is soooooooooooooooo not the last time she would serve that ****). Something To Regret sold almost 10 million copies, which is a big deal for an artist knowN as a dancing queen. It shows you don't have to be a frigid looking bitch with the sex appeal of a center table in order to be a successful ballad singer. Hey Celine what's up?

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ALLLLL BYYY MYYYSEEEEELF


She released a couple of more flops but her softened image plan worked! Madonna landed the role of Evita for a musical but sadly, at the same time, she was pregnant with Lola, a baby who would ruin her life forever. She filmed while pregnant and recorded an entire soundtrack, which yielded another classic, Don't Cry For Me Argentina Miami Mix, not the original one, no one wants that turd, And I mean it, people returned the Evita album because the mix wasn't there.
She ended up winning a Golden Globe for best actress while serving mammooth breasts, letting us know she will always win no matter what.

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Titties and globes.

Madonna, being an inspiring artist for everyone, is the pioneer of the typical Facebook bitch who becomes someone spiritual after giving birth and doesn't shut up about it. But Madonna, like everything she does, she did it with quality and under the name of Ray of Light. Ahhhhh Ray Of Light, such a masterpiece, a multiple Grammy winner, it's the album that made the critics believe she wasn't just a prostitute (after 15 years), but a talented one. An absolute reinvention compared to the last album, Madonna ran to the arms of indie producers to create one of the best albums by any artist, male, female or binary. She started the era with Frozen, a trip hop ballad which became her 2nd signature song of the 90's, which was also joined by a video with enough makeup and shady angles to let you believe she didn't crack at all after giving birth to a parasite who absorbed her youth and energy for a whole year.


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PICTURED: IF YOUR FEMALE FRIEND IS TALKING ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT SHOW HER THIS.

The era had such a strong start the following singles did just as well as Frozen, just not in the US I guess.  The second single, Ray Of Light became one of the many signature songs she has, a song she has never sung good live, a song so iconic even Family Guy referenced , just iconic overall. She looks ugly af in the video though, whatever she is wearing, keep it bitch, this is a thing fans had to start accepting once Lola was born, bitch is cracking so get used to it! Drowned World was released afterwards but ask me if people cared. The album revived when Power of GODbye came out and it slayed Europe, I don't blame them tho, Madonna looks GORGE in the video and the song is just THAT good. Legend. Nothing Really Matters was released afterwards, which was a flop thanks to her performance at the Grammys. She also lost the Album of the Year against an artist who can't even fill theaters in 2015 but you didn't hear this from me.

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PICTURED: FLOP.

 

 

It's 1999 and Madonna was riding an all time high and felt like the coolest mom on Earth, back when she didn't have to try hard; American Pie and Beautiful Stranger being the most benefited of this. Both songs managed to chart high wherever they were released and the latter earned Madonna a Grammy for the Least Embarrassing Cameo Ever In A Full Lenght Film, award that has only been given out once because that's how cool this bitch was. As for the film where  American Pie was slapped into, well.....we got this out of it:

 

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Pictured: Sadly the pic with her bulging shoulders looking like the manliest beast on Earth was deleted so here's a cute, PG13  movie still instead!

 


With the new Mylenium in the horizon charts6.jpg, Madonna got a new boo and a new fetus to welcome it, sadly the deluded bitch didn't know they wouldn't last long in her life LOL. She started the year with the lead single of Madonanne, Music, a ready to party bop which lasted a month at the top of the charts back when I was 9 years old,her last No.1 because there's no way she will get a new No.1 in the US . No matter how many times she attaches herself to Katy Perry or Taylor Swift  Following the birth of another fiend, Madonna decides to embark on the Drowned World Tour, a tour that pays ABSOLUTE dust to the songs that made her an icon, and focuses on her recent work instead, back when it actually sold. Despite being the laziest tour she has ever done, she still completed it successfully and didn't use the 9/11 as an excuse to end it, but again....you didn't hear this from me!

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"Hello mortal, I've heard my flop phone lines made you suffer a lifetime to get tickets for my wicked show? "


Madonna's English celebrity status was at an all time high after boning an Englishman, which led to meeting the other Royal Family and mess around with some Bond films, which gave her another huge hit called Die Another Day, a song dedicated to that time back in the 80's where some camera equipment was gonna squish her while filming Burning Up. Madonna believed it was time to release another album now that she was a boring housewife and wanted to show all that side to us and called it American Life, an album about how much of an hypocrite she is. She decided to tackle the war and released the lead single, called Not Die Another Day, and she didn't seem to realize how much of a bad idea it is to piss of one of the most patriotic countries in the world. Madonna quickly regretted her petty actions and fearing for her life and no one else's, she made a video with flags of the countries where she has outsold Kylie Minogue instead.

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PICTURED: Yes, that's an African flag.

Following the backlash, Madonna decided to tongue punch Britney's and someone else's eat holes, which is probably one of the most popular images on the internet so I'm not gonna bother to post it. I think it's more important to let you know that Hollywood didn't even chart after the promo. Madonna also found herself in an incredibly tight spot, her music was panned, her persona was panned, her whole life was panned so for some reason she went after the only public she hadn't corrupted yet: Children. Madonna wrote a couple of children books which were totally bought only by children and no one else.

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PICTURED: *****

 

Despite being called over by the 95% of the population, they still flocked back like Mexican abused housewives the moment Madonna announced her Reintegration  Reinvetion tour, whose concept was have Madonna backed into a corner and forced to perform all the hits that made her the Queen Of Pop in the first place, since performing all the songs from American Life would equate to 5-10 fans per date singing along while the rest judges mercilessly. MDNA Tour anyone?

 

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"I like dropping hints that I hate being married to a jealous dick who likes to shelf me back in some narrow room".


2005 came and Madonna knew time was going by so quickly and it was now or later to come back in the music scene or just give up and keep writing **** no one cares about. So she did a couple of things first. No.1. She ran to the boring group ABBA and begged for a sampling, since she always wins at the end they said yes. No.2. Cast a spell she can't undo on Kylie Minogue's breast so she doesn't do Glastonbury and she can return being l local in some random country in Eastern Europe a couple of years later, which worked. She also stole her whole disco thing but since every single and the album managed to sell over a million copies each, no one batted an eye. Madonna finally released Hung Up, which is arguably Madonna’s biggest hit worldwide or her most forgotten flop, depending on who you’re talking to and she was back at the top, where she belongs (ask his bottoming husband). The video was also the hottest or most disgusting thing to be released, again, depending on who you’re talking to, I personally don’t mind the crotch closeups but I’m pretty sure some people do.

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Pictured: AMBITION

Madonna was riding a 10th wave by now, she had recruited tons of fans and embarked on the Confessions Tour, which helped her recruit even more fans as she toured. It’s important to note all these new disco queens dropped her ass the moment she released her next album. She also managed to look drop dead gorgeous during the era and tour for the last time, which is why Confessions On A Dancefloor is the worst thing to happen to Madonna.

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PICTURED: It all goes downhill from here.

After ****ing Stuart Price and being a thot overall, Madonna’s marriage was slowly but surely ending which led to some well written, deep, thoughtful lyrics for her next album; combined with menopause, Madonna felt the need to be young again, which made her call for producers who made the sound of 2006, you know, 2 years before 2008, the current year then  and created Hard Grammy, the best selling r&b album by a white woman in her 50’s. The lead single was 4 Minutes Ft. Madonna, which made her feel young, hip and loved for 3 months before she released the cover of her album, and repelled every fan she created in the 00’s away just like that.

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PICTURED: Can you smell this pic?


The thing is, they were repelled because they weren’t able to handle the flawlessness this album emanates from Madonna’s dark colored crotch. Pan after pan, Madonna believed in the power of hip and young producers, so she clung to this album like old gays cling to Ray Of Light. Madonna released the second single, Give It 2 Me (HER BEST SONG UGHH) which completely demolished Europe and South America, followed by Miles Away, a song for the emotionally ******ed, or so she says. Other FLAWLESS GEMS are Incredible, Spanish Lesson and Ring My Bell, all bops, all flawless. Madonna was bothered AF because her wrinkly image, generic bops and work were all panned right in her stretched face, so she did what does best: Shove her ideas down everyone’s throats by embarking on the Sticky and Sweet Tour, a stadium ready tour which toured from upscale posh countries to your immigrant grandmother's hometown.

 

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Hip remains unbroken.

 

Madonna, of course, being hated by everyone in the world, managed to sell out every date and bring the millions so easily while other contemporaries settled with theaters and cancelled because of mysterious illness and stuff. It holds the record of the highest grossing tour by an ugly artist.


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PICTURED: 408 million dollars.


Millions of people and a couple of dead workers later, Madonna still felt Hard Candy was not impactful enough, so she decided to include it in all her tours afterwards and reference the album in as many was as she can without being called out, and even if she is called out, she clearly doesn’t care. A couple of years of indieness and releasing random **** no one buys, Madonna, again, decided it was time to release new music and started working with talented musicians such as Nicki Minaj, because there’s not a better artist to call when you want to go back in the game as a respected musician like Nicki Minaj. Madonna was invited to the Superbowl and she obviously believed they all died to hear the new single instead of Hung Up, Ray Of Light or Like A Virgin so she went on her route and the single managed to stay at the top 10 for a week before falling down and receiving less than 50k views a day on Youtube.

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PICTURED: The reason everyone cares about the Halftime Show now.


After falling 80% the second week in sales and being ignored by radio when the cash stopped coming in, she still believed in MDNE so she released a couple of more singles which reached the top 5 in Italy and nowhere else, which is why she made like 5 stadium stops in there for her MDNE Tour, transparent. Despite grossing 100 million less than her last tour, the MDNO Tour is still the second highest grossing tour by a female, even if you take into account all those half empty stadiums in Muslim Europe. Still, the MDNE Tour is iconic for different reasons: Dragging politicians, kicking Gaga in the gunt  every show, showing her nipples in muslim countries while her poor, scarred son was backstage, serving crow during several songs, and the most important of all, showing her *** WATCH AT YOUR OWN RISK:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hyKJdMyO98


PROJECTED: Detroit's biggest tourist attraction.

A year after the tour, Madonna felt like she wanted to be hip and cool again and she decided it was time to get an Instagram account. Instead of showing off her breakfast, her clothes, her loaded life to us, she showed us her cameltoe, her son’s underage *****, exploitation of dead politicians, typos, meltdowns, horrible selfies and just bad pictures overall.

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PICTURED: This woman created Frozen.

2014 was going by when Madonna wanted to be hip again and started working with Aviccii, a DJ who stole the sound she pioneered in 2000, she saw herself looking at upscale young people bopping to her music the way they bopped to Hey Brother and Wake Me Up so of course she had to go there. Hiring talented musicians like Natalia Kills and Nicki Minaj, Madonna really believed in her work, being inspired by her sons (bad idea) and the current music scene (bad idea again). Just as she was finishing her album, some random Israeli ‘hacked’ her drive by exploiting Madonna’s technologically impaired ass and released every worked song to the world. Madonna, trying to act fast and effectively, decided to release 6 songs as a preorder where the lead single was included, absolutely killing Living For Love’s chart run, because that’s exactly what she wanted I guess. Not giving up as always, Madonna went on a promo campaign which absolutely failed as not a single song managed to chart high.She embarked on her latest tour, The Rebel Heart Tour, which grossed half of what she did during the last tour, but since we are delusional and love living in a lie, we like to think it was because she wanted an intimate setting. Don't forget though, some artists with a supposed comeback are still failing to outdo the money Madonna made with this one despite high profile performances so we know our hag is still doing well. It showed a more relaxed Madonna just having fun and pretending life was good while her son had given up living with someone whose nipples are the first thing you see the minute he opens his social media.

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PICTURED: ROLE MODEL


Soon after the tour ended, we were all relieved because we thought Madonna would go back to normal and not be a cringy middle aged woman until her *shudders* next era BUT, after having her 'comedy' shows panned, destroyed, completely obliterated, etc, she still tried to pretend she was a comedy genius and did a show where all she could talk about was ex boyfriends, fellatio, men, divorce, etc, AKA, stuff she complains about all the time, she doesn't like to repeat herself you know? Or so she says.

 

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PICTURED: Immunity to hitting rock bottom.

 

 

Nowadays, Madonna is busy living her life with her Malawian family and directing a film no one will even try to pirate, which means she will at least take 2 years of her life working on it. She recently celebrated her 59th birthday and she finally showed us her biggest investment yet: her family. The facade worked since she is now the most liked female artist in Malawi on Facebook!

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"Use the discount code IRRELEVANTINAFRICA and get 2 for one!" 

Disclaimer: The product may not be that fond of you when they reach a teenage phase

 

Madonna is currently living in Lisbon to attract some indie cred since her current sales gave her some sort of hint regarding her status in the music scene, where she's currently working on her latest record. Despite claiming she's "inspired" by Portuguese folk music, she's working with the producers of everlasting, life changing songs likes Swish Swish and Havana, another one in the basket indeed! It's not like the GP will know she released an album anyway since all the promo budget has been spent on MDNE skin, at least she knows her target demographic well!

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"Alright Sia, I know you've been gaining weight and I can't help you with that because most of my gyms have been rebranded but I'm a master at scaring the hag away, You'll See.mp3!"

 

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Yas, new base for the reigning queen of pop. :heart2: The new Harpers shoot is absolutely gorgeous.

 

 

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Ring My Bell invented the communication of telling people you're at their front door.

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2 hours ago, LoveLiveMusic said:

Ugh, I finally figured out how to get my avi on. I'm back bitches.

I still don't see it :emofish:

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17 minutes ago, Petty Bourgeoisie said:

I still don't see it :emofish:

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1 hour ago, Sanctuary said:

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Our fave has been such an art ho lately. Gaga hew?

 

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Yeh I'm gonna wait for a rip of the stream.....

 

Also, her outfit is kinda tragic.

 

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That hat looks like from the Rebel Heart Tour (rip to one of ATRL Classic's most iconic threads), the FEMINIST shirt is inspireD if you ask certain stan bases, and the skirt looks like it came off the table from Olive Garden.

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3 minutes ago, LoveLiveMusic said:

Yeh I'm gonna wait for a rip of the stream.....

 

Also, her outfit is kinda tragic.

 

16114867_10158029833660007_9011386612312

 

That hat looks like from the Rebel Heart Tour (rip to one of ATRL Classic's most iconic threads), the FEMINIST shirt is inspireD if you ask certain stan bases, and the skirt looks like it came off the table from Olive Garden.

:ahh: 

 

the misses section at JC penney

:jonny: 

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I need her to fall truly in love so we can get more True Blue, Crazy For You, Nothing Fails, I Deserve It-esque songs. :smitten:

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13 hours ago, ELECTRAHEARTPOP said:

I need her to fall truly in love so we can get more True Blue

:mazen: Hopefully it won't involve her being beaten and tied to a chair.

 

13 hours ago, ELECTRAHEARTPOP said:

Crazy For You

Meh. Not terrible, but deservedly forgotten.

 

13 hours ago, ELECTRAHEARTPOP said:

Nothing Fails, I Deserve It-esque songs. :smitten:

Slay. Intervention and Paradise (Not For Me) can come along too.

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53 minutes ago, Sanctuary said:

:mazen: Hopefully it won't involve her being beaten and tied to a chair.

 

Meh. Not terrible, but deservedly forgotten.

 

Slay. Intervention and Paradise (Not For Me) can come along too.

I don't think she needs a repeat of her marriage to Penn to write a gorgeous, whimsical love song again. I just miss that innocence and saccharine flavour of her work from the 80s. That was really what I was getting at, as well as more love songs in the vein of Music/AL.

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