tournament Platinum Hit 12: ST☆RDOM

[SaintWest]

3 minutes ago, Temporal said:

Mine is Sia, Sober & Unkissed

 

[Achilles.]

Mine is Sia’s House on Fire, which is song #8 on This Is Acting.

[Temporal]

3 minutes ago, Achilles. said:

Mine is Sia’s House on Fire, which is song #8 on This Is Acting.

Mine is song #7, but does Sia even have an album with like, 25 tracks?  

[conatus]

Mine is from My Arena (?), which is... unreleased...

 

@ultraviolence.xx The chorus is trying to convey how memories fade over time, and no matter how hard you try to remember them (i.e. "unforget"), they all eventually go, so you're left with nothing. Apologies if that wasn't clear! Thanks for the review.

[SaintWest]

5 minutes ago, Achilles. said:

Mine is Sia’s House on Fire, which is song #8 on This Is Acting.

 

1 minute ago, Temporal said:

Mine is song #7, but does Sia even have an album with like, 25 tracks?  

You're on the right track, baby you were born this way!

[ultraviolence.xx]

1 minute ago, conatus said:

@ultraviolence.xx The chorus is trying to convey how memories fade over time, and no matter how hard you try to remember them (i.e. "unforget"), they all eventually go, so you're left with nothing. Apologies if that wasn't clear! Thanks for the review.

ohhh okay, that makes sense. i think the phrasing is what threw me off. "unremember" sounds definite, like it's actually being achieved, whereas trying to remember something in your post just now means something different to me. but i get it now!

[Citrus]

Mine is Warrior by the underrated English artist Paloma Faith x 

[Achilles.]

Well, my Sia song was an album cut so I hope this isn’t based on spotify streams or chart positions.  

[Temporal]

Conatus - unreleased lol

Kylie - unreleased?

 

Gastrodonatella - Track #1, the 1997 album

Kunst - Track #1

 

Ammo - Track #3, some soundtrack
Ceremonials - Track #3, Everyday is Christmas

 

Temporal - Track #7, the 2001 album

Achilles - Track #8

 

 

[SaintWest]

Ladies…must we descend into the madness that is schizophrenic rhyme schemes and lack of meters? Not every song needs one, and I’m not claiming to be an expert at both, but this is PH…nobody is hearing your song out loud, so if it’s not reading well structurally and meter wise on paper, it’s not going to help your case.

 

Also, please no more songs where it’s written like:

 

Hello I am a
Song, I am writing for
A special someone
In my life
Who I love
So much

 

 

1. MattyTacos – “Loverdream”

 

I think my biggest strife with your song was that it seemed like it was trying too hard to be artistic. Because each line was so brief, I felt like I didn’t get anything but short little blurbs of imagery. With worn themes like infidelity, it can be hard to find a way to present it in an original way that isn’t too on the nose. Unfortunately, I don’t think this song brought any unique twist to the topic. Next time I would focus on finding consistent imagery as well. We started off with “Plump lavender lush” then went to “I wanna be your headline news” and “Climb over the castle walls.” None of the imagery really felt consistent to me, so I felt a little disconnected at times.

Standout moment: “You’re caught in a trinity / Loop into my infinity.”

 

2. Obsession – “Lost in Misery”
I appreciate you tackling a topic like this and I think you have some good moments in the song. I love songs about personal battles within and with others. However, I think this song suffered from Sia syndrome. Writing a song about conquering something? Great. My tears fell to the ground, I was all alone, I had lost hope, I’m picking myself up, I won’t give up, I’m alive. You did the same, but with the topic of living with depression. “I’ve got demons in my past you’d never comprehend / How could I love you? I don’t even love myself.” The line about razors, “I don’t belong” “There’s a void inside my soul.” At a certain point, it was just too on the nose. I used to do the same thing when I started out in PH, so I understand. What really helped me was to think of my topic, flesh it out on paper, and then find consistent imagery that would more elegantly describe each verse/chorus/etc.

Standout moment: “I project the dream you see, but I’m a nightmare at best”

 

3. Kunst – “Wither Awake”
Well, I am not a huge fan of the abruptness of each line in the chorus. Maybe it’s just a personal preference; I’m interested to see what the other judges thing. Also the rhyme structures irked me a bit. Aside from that, loved what the chorus had to say, and the “If the feeling sinks for best / Setting roots in my warm chest” is exactly the type of imagery that should come out of a round about flowers/plants. Way to go – I really dug that line. Again though girl, work on that structure.

 

4. conatus – “Unforget”
You can’t hear pavement creaking, sis. So…fix that. The next couplet is nice. The Hooks were redundant and you could’ve done without. The first couplet of Verse 2 gave me Speechless by Lady Gaga kiis. Overall, it was a nice entry. Definitely better than last week’s. It spent a lot of time repeating itself, but you still had some nice moments. I know you said it was a friendship, and I never got the vibe so maybe work on clarifying intentions like that more next time.

Standout moment: “If I listen closely, I can hear the waves bend / But they get further away each time”

 

5. beatinglikeadrum – “Purple Devotion”
Not you giving us a “Me…I Am Mariah” spoken word intro. Slay a little. The first verse is very messy structurally speaking. I love how you’re trying to set up distinct imagery, though! “Carroll Lewis and old vinyls are filling boxes full of dreams.” The pre-chorus is really nice, I almost wish the last line rhymed, but you can’t win them all. The part in the chorus reminiscing over a past loved one is a little strange considering in the intro you say you’re not attached to families and friends, but feelings, places and memories.

Standout moment: “Carroll Lewis and old vinyls are filling boxes full of dreams.”

 

6. Tsareena “Radium Girl”
The first two words reminded me of that Bob’s Burgers episode Working Girl. Anyways. I’m going to give you some honest advice because you have a lot of potential: pop song derivatives do not work in PH. Your song I’m sure would sound great sung out loud, but in PH, the songwriting is what saves you from elimination, not the catchiness of the chorus. I think you have a great core, but the writing needed to be refined more. Also, the end was a bit to abrupt, it would’ve faired better had you set up her demise a bit before.

Standout moment: “She was the girl that glowed forever / Winter to summer like no other”

 

7. UFO – “Rings of Saturn”
Well, what an improvement! The Hook alone is going to bump up your score because it is a kii. Sadly, the song was a little bit of a galactic buzzkill. It really was just a compilation of all of space. Be really careful with space imagery, sis. I did not like the “We connected through hurt energy” line at all. And again, let’s dial it back a bit, Buzz Lightyear.  

Standout moment: The entire hook.

 

8. Body Talk – “Break Me in Half”
This was short and sweet. I think the second verse pretty much summarizes what it’s like to be left behind by someone so well done. The pre-choruses felt a little bit too poeticy for my liking. The same goes for the bridge. The dragging me line read a little differently than intended.

Standout moment: “Don’t go hiding on my behalf / Just tear me in half”

 

9. Kylie Jenner – “Hatchet”
THE IMPROVEMENT! I gave you a 4 last round and you’re definitely not getting that from me again. “Before you draw your weapon from your sheathe / Before you pull me under so I can’t breathe” is a COUPLET. Get rid of the forgive repetitions though, fat.

Standout moment: The improvement from last week.

 

10. PoKiTaurus – “You”
First of all, the “Hi! This is PoKiTaurus” in your introduction was adorable, and we stan for you. Last week you scored really low from me and wow @ at the improvement this week. Verse 1 is pretty strong, the chorus could use some strengthening, but overall I am really so excited by the progress I’m seeing! I’m rooting for you. Next time from you I want to see a consistent structure in your verse lengths, and a tighter, less sporadic chorus. You can do it!

Standout moment: “Yes I was standing in the field and hoped / For the greatest outcome, that only God knows.”

 

11.  ceremonials – “The Last of Us”
I mean…you know what you’re doing sis, and this is far more favorable than you last entry so don’t be worried about your score.

 

12. NaitPhoenix – “Grafitti”
I like how this felt very contemporary and inspirational. I actually think this could make a very interesting pop song. I don’t know if it felt well-written enough for PH, but I was very fascinated by your concept and the way it was executed was serviceable enough, albeit a bit preachy near the end.

Standout moment: That pre-chorus though!

 

13. Gastrodonatella – “Eden”
FINALLY. SOME METER. SOME CONSISTENCY. SOME RHYMES. You don’t know how refreshing it is to read something that has a consistent FLOW. Let’s just say you did not get another 6.

Standout moment: Everything from top to bottom, bish. She’s a versatile queen!

 

14. Corsola – “Petals”
I’m still honestly in love with the intro….I would’ve liked to have seen the meter tightened up a bit. Next time you do a song connected with Will have him help you with that no tea no shade. It’s not bad, it just was so close to being really great. Also, please don’t appropriate Constellations culture. “While tracing the lines of the same constellations.” I see you, ma’am. Constellations? What are those? Somewhere I got lost.

Standout moment: She’s a full song.

15. Auburn – “A Song for Her”
I know some judges might get you for the word wane, but I rather liked its use. Besides that, this was a song about someone who passed and it was pretty surface level stuff. It’s written well, so I’m not going to flop you, but maybe try something with a little more spice next time.

Standout moment: “You wrote a song for her / Waiting for the ache to wane”

 

16. Overprotected – “Uncertainty”
Next time let’s have our chorus start with a full sentence and not be a continuation of a previous line…This sadly didn’t really click with me. It felt a little bit discombobulated; as if it was just a collection of certain thoughts. I understand it’s supposed to have somewhat of an anxious feel given its title, but it just didn’t flow very nicely for me. “Not scared of you, somewhat afraid of love” is an example of this. Still, it’s written well, so good job.

Standout moment: “Why do I have to walk so carefully? / Inside I really want to explore”

 

17. r.e.m. (MTrain) – “Camellia”
Hmm well…let’s refrain from things like “You take me from feeling blue / And suddenly I’m feeling new / When your love is in my heart / We’re a work of art, we’re a work of art” Again, this is Sia level writing of choosing the most simplistic, go-to rhymes. I know you can do better!

Standout moment: “As the water fell from the sky / A connection between our eyes”

 

18. RhisusChrist(ATG) – “Field of Dreams”
The 180 from the first and second chorus. Whew. Betrayal is a bish. Anyways, this read like a country song so…Billy Ray Cyrus is shook. Anyways, I think it had potential, but there were some parts I couldn’t take seriously. “It came without warning / A literal field of dreams.” I think the set up for all these memories resurfacing was so abrupt it felt like “Well I took a walk and WTF I’m remembering things!” I think if you had spent a little bit more time developing the central concept a.k.a chorus it wouldn’t have felt so abrupt. It somewhat felt as though you started with the title and went from there.

Standout moment: “Do you remember / Making love in the field of dreams?”

 

19. Speezy – “Setting Sail Through the Blue Dangers!”
Based on the title I thought this entry was going to be a joke but wow! This actually slayed. I’m genuinely pretty impressed; I did not see this coming from you. With some tightening to make this more technically impressive, this could’ve been a top contender for me for song of the week!

Standout moment: The first verse, particularly the second section.

 

20. Achilles – “Morning Glory”
I’ve said it a few times before, but repetition of lines like “So what do you say / Oh, what do you say” and words like “Babe” genuinely don’t fair well in a song dedicated to songwriting. Aside from that, the concept is rather sweet of wanting to be someone’s morning glory. And the “empty rooms” line really got me deep. I think you have some really promising stuff here, I just want to see you tighten it up on the technical side and stray away from some of the things I mentioned at the beginning.

Standout moment: “Cause empty rooms are easy / But it just doesn’t please me”

 

21. Temporal – “Fever Dream”
Damn…your intro was pretty real. I’m really sorry my dude. Been there done that, but we got Midsummer out of it so! Who really won! Heartbreak outsold true love. Anyways, title on point, writing on point, everything on point. Such a testimony that you can create a relatable song about heartbreak with no gimmicks or flair and still have it resonate with readers. Fantastic!

Standout moment: I couldn’t pick one but here’s one of my favorites: “Can’t believe this mirror cracked / Cut my hands piercing back the glass / But I’ll bandage all my crimson wounds / With another fever dream of you”

 

22. Citrus – “Our Home of Flowers”
The first line serving “She rolled my hair up put my lipstick on” by Gags. Pretty impactful stuff you’ve got going on here. Loved it. Not really much to say. I think last week didn’t click with me, but this week you stepped it up for sure and came through with an incredibly intriguing concept.

Standout moment: “There’s so much of you in my heart / And my heart is the one killing me.”

 

23. OreGuy –“Nostredame”
Ok…come through quality in the last half of these entries. Genuinely impressed. “Stuck within a whirlwind, plucking strings of my heart / No matter what I do that beat still breaks my heart” is a nice little couplet there! Such a refreshing entry. Last round I scored you 600,000 out of 2mil and I hope you enjoy the score boost you’re receiving this round from me. Maybe next time spell check though since “I managed to messed up every time” is not correct!

Standout moment: “Go in the journey with the lines on my palm / Ride every corner, tell me who I’ll become”

 

24. Xedretinz Lodonz – “Violets in our Garden of Love”
Okay, the first verse had some REALLY long lines. I mean, I felt like I was reading a book with my eyes scanning more than halfway across the page for one line. Besides that, I wish this was a bit more focused and structured. I’m still a little lost for the topic. Did someone pass away? Is it about someone who’s lover was swept away by another man? Is it about love fading away? Moving on? I’m confused sis! Also, lines like “And yeah don’t ask me anymore / Cause I’m still really bitter” just are not appropriate in PH…I’ve talked about it in some of the reviews above, so I’m not going to repeat, but just remember this is a songwriting competition, so every line should be as well crafted, and fine tuned as possible. Think of every section as a snippet you’d show to readers – would you want to just show them: “These violets used to bloom / But now it is bound to gloom / You’ve written the ending of our story / Yeah, the saddest ending of a story / Well I guess this is goodbye now / Both to you and your devotion.” It’s not the strongest piece of writing and I know you can do better. Keep going!

Stand out moment: “These violets, now they’re withered / Like your faith in me and my faith to (WHICH SHOULD BE IN) you”

 

25. SeanKevinMusic – “Remembrance of Hurt”
The title serves me a Celine Dion album title. Anyways, let’s use correct grammar in “Something I know I got to do…” I like how this was set back in the day as opposed to being a modern fallen soldier story. We love a concept! The cold/old rhyme was too predictable, and that whole bridge could’ve been axed.

Edited May 6, 2018 by SaintWest

[Unknown User]

I don’t get it. What are we supposed to do with the hints posted?  

[Temporal]

1 minute ago, SaintWest said:

21. Temporal – “Fever Dream”
Damn…your intro was pretty real. I’m really sorry my dude. Been there done that, but we got Midsummer out of it so! Who really won! Heartbreak outsold true love. Anyways, title on point, writing on point, everything on point. Such a testimony that you can create a relatable song about heartbreak with no gimmicks or flair and still have it resonate with readers. Fantastic!

Standout moment: I couldn’t pick one but here’s one of my favorites: “Can’t believe this mirror cracked / Cut my hands piercing back the glass / But I’ll bandage all my crimson wounds / With another fever dream of you”

Thank you sis  It's been a few months, so my wounds are finally scabbing over. It still hurts to think about him but I'm not thinking about him as much so, we love progress! 

[conatus]

Quote

You can’t hear pavement creaking, sis. So…fix that.

[MattyTacos]

53 minutes ago, ultraviolence.xx said:

 U MAGAZINE

THIS WEEK'S TRACK REVIEWS

 

This post rounds up the first installment of our reviews of this week's chart debuts. Later installments will be posted in later digital issues.

 

@MattyTacos – "Loverdream"

 

  Hide contents

ok, the refrain is a slay. giving me troye vibes but like good troye vibes, not like tumblr-basic troye vibes. “caught in a trinity” doesn’t really work in the chorus and feels forced, unless you’re making a threesome reference, which doesn’t feel like what you’re going for? the structure is really odd too which i think is a cool switch-up. “silk city” whew cover me in spider emissions king. one thing that kind of strikes me is that there are a lot of metaphors that are outside the central metaphor and kind of make it feel disjointed: being someone’s “headline news”; a “silk city”; “stitch[ing him] to [you]”; being “locked in”; the “castle walls”… there’s just lots of metaphors that feel kind of out of place of the wider metaphor, which isn’t a huge deal in small instances, but threading them all into one song feels kind of back-and-forth. it reads way easier than some of your other entries i’ve read, tho, and feels very natural yet very beautimous at the same time.

 

favorite part: “roses begin to blush / blooming at my touch”

Mess, the chorus line meant to be more like..."this is a love triangle right now with your man and me, pick already!" 

 

I definitely see what you mean about the metaphors though. Would I have even been associated with Troye if atrl didn't shut down & allow him to release bloom.  

 

54 minutes ago, SaintWest said:

H I N T S

zycasimlorc

  Reveal hidden contents

1. @Gastrodonatella - Reason for me to leave this situation

2. @Temporal - I'm hearing your last telephone call

3. @Kunst - You are free to love

4. @KYLIEJENNER - That one day I will see

5. @ceremonials - I want you to know that I'm never leaving

6. @Corsola - You on your phone, your laptop and your Playstation

7. @Speezy - This is the best time to be young and then reborn

8. @Citrus - Some days I cannot find my faith

9. @OreGuy - Babe, I can hardly breathe, who'll carry my Christmas tree?

10. @Auburn -  You need me to thaw out

11. @Obsession - Waiting for the moon to rise

12. @conatus - I don't need you to believe in

13. @UFO - So much depth, you look for the light

14. @Body Talk⠀ - There's no right answer, no one's brain to pick

15. @PoKiTaurus - Keep you till winter when you won't be needing me

16. @Nait Phoenix -  Fill the void in our bed

17. @Overprotected - My seat is here to bring your wicked wishes

18. @Achilles. - I feel the pain and I cry out, I cry out

19. @Xedretinz Lododnz - Hold on until you hear them come

20. @MattyTacos- To the rhythm of a wild, to the rhythm of a wild heart

21. @beatinglikeadrum - Ho ho ho, bring a friend if you please

22. @Tsareena - Pleasing me, seven good deeds

23. @r.e.m. - Phone's blowin' up, ringin' my doorbell

24. @RihsusChrist(ATG)- You can't hurt me now

25. @SeanKevinMusic - Throwing stones at strangers

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Heard a few songs from Bleachers, have no clue what this clue means.  

[ultraviolence.xx]

2 minutes ago, MattyTacos said:

Mess, the chorus line meant to be more like..."this is a love triangle right now with your man and me, pick already!" 

 

I definitely see what you mean about the metaphors though. Would I have even been associated with Troye if atrl didn't shut down & allow him to release bloom.  

 

o i get it now  

 

yes it's not just the word bloom ddd

[ceremonials]

1 hour ago, SaintWest said:

H I N T S

zycasimlorc

  Hide contents

1. @Gastrodonatella - Reason for me to leave this situation

2. @Temporal - I'm hearing your last telephone call

3. @Kunst - You are free to love

4. @KYLIEJENNER - That one day I will see

5. @ceremonials - I want you to know that I'm never leaving

6. @Corsola - You on your phone, your laptop and your Playstation

7. @Speezy - This is the best time to be young and then reborn

8. @Citrus - Some days I cannot find my faith

9. @OreGuy - Babe, I can hardly breathe, who'll carry my Christmas tree?

10. @Auburn -  You need me to thaw out

11. @Obsession - Waiting for the moon to rise

12. @conatus - I don't need you to believe in

13. @UFO - So much depth, you look for the light

14. @Body Talk⠀ - There's no right answer, no one's brain to pick

15. @PoKiTaurus - Keep you till winter when you won't be needing me

16. @Nait Phoenix -  Fill the void in our bed

17. @Overprotected - My seat is here to bring your wicked wishes

18. @Achilles. - I feel the pain and I cry out, I cry out

19. @Xedretinz Lododnz - Hold on until you hear them come

20. @MattyTacos- To the rhythm of a wild, to the rhythm of a wild heart

21. @beatinglikeadrum - Ho ho ho, bring a friend if you please

22. @Tsareena - Pleasing me, seven good deeds

23. @r.e.m. - Phone's blowin' up, ringin' my doorbell

24. @RihsusChrist(ATG)- You can't hurt me now

25. @SeanKevinMusic - Throwing stones at strangers

  Reveal hidden contents

 

asked

[Temporal]

36 minutes ago, SaintWest said:

And again, let’s dial it back a bit, Buzz Lightyear.

LJCSBKHJad

[ceremonials]

1 hour ago, SaintWest said:

H I N T S

zycasimlorc

  Hide contents

1. @Gastrodonatella - Reason for me to leave this situation

2. @Temporal - I'm hearing your last telephone call

3. @Kunst - You are free to love

4. @KYLIEJENNER - That one day I will see

5. @ceremonials - I want you to know that I'm never leaving

6. @Corsola - You on your phone, your laptop and your Playstation

7. @Speezy - This is the best time to be young and then reborn

8. @Citrus - Some days I cannot find my faith

9. @OreGuy - Babe, I can hardly breathe, who'll carry my Christmas tree?

10. @Auburn -  You need me to thaw out

11. @Obsession - Waiting for the moon to rise

12. @conatus - I don't need you to believe in

13. @UFO - So much depth, you look for the light

14. @Body Talk⠀ - There's no right answer, no one's brain to pick

15. @PoKiTaurus - Keep you till winter when you won't be needing me

16. @Nait Phoenix -  Fill the void in our bed

17. @Overprotected - My seat is here to bring your wicked wishes

18. @Achilles. - I feel the pain and I cry out, I cry out

19. @Xedretinz Lododnz - Hold on until you hear them come

20. @MattyTacos- To the rhythm of a wild, to the rhythm of a wild heart

21. @beatinglikeadrum - Ho ho ho, bring a friend if you please

22. @Tsareena - Pleasing me, seven good deeds

23. @r.e.m. - Phone's blowin' up, ringin' my doorbell

24. @RihsusChrist(ATG)- You can't hurt me now

25. @SeanKevinMusic - Throwing stones at strangers

  Reveal hidden contents

 

asked

[Tsareena]

 

50 minutes ago, SaintWest said:

6. Tsareena “Radium Girl”
The first two words reminded me of that Bob’s Burgers episode Working Girl. Anyways. I’m going to give you some honest advice because you have a lot of potential: pop song derivatives do not work in PH. Your song I’m sure would sound great sung out loud, but in PH, the songwriting is what saves you from elimination, not the catchiness of the chorus. I think you have a great core, but the writing needed to be refined more. Also, the end was a bit to abrupt, it would’ve faired better had you set up her demise a bit before.

Standout moment: “She was the girl that glowed forever / Winter to summer like no other”

I'm reading this as "quit musty"

[SaintWest]

Just now, Tsareena said:

 

I'm reading this as "quit musty"

Nah, I would never. You have a lot of potential as a writer and I want to see you come back even stronger next time.

[Tsareena]

6 minutes ago, SaintWest said:

Nah, I would never. You have a lot of potential as a writer and I want to see you come back even stronger next time.

ff why does this sound like an elimination

[Speezy]

Setting Sail Through The Blue Dangers better come through 

[Xedretinz Lododnz]

ok my ass hurts

[Temporal]

1 minute ago, Xedretinz Lododnz said:

ok my ass hurts

Did Saint's review pound you that hard?

 

[Xedretinz Lododnz]

6 minutes ago, Temporal said:

Did Saint's review pound you that hard?

 

kind of but I deserved it anyways. I have no focus nnnnn. 

actually that big poop I excreted earlier really makes it hurt a lot