Citrus Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 1 minute ago, Corsola said: I think so there weren't many things you did as a judge that had me pressed except for that! I gave it a positive review, tho I don't remember my score. I know sometimes I scored harsher than I reviewed and vice versa
Citrus Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 Just now, Gastrodonatella said: you never reviewed it and i believe the score was 5 Nn yeah I did https://atrl.net/forums/topic/63337-platinum-hit-11▴-congratulations-aurora-♛/?page=118#comment-4647688
Citrus Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 Also pretty sure I was edgy the first few rounds and my highest scores were like 7s, so a 5 was cute!
Citrus Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 2 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: nevermind i projected moonchild onto you my bad We rub off on one another since we share toys
ceremonials Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 That page making me realize @Dylobs isnt here
Citrus Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 2 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: nevermind i projected moonchild onto you my bad We rub off on one another since we share toys
Citrus Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 2 minutes ago, ceremonials said: That page making me realize @Dylobs isnt here :(
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted April 20, 2018 ATRL Moderator Posted April 20, 2018 4 minutes ago, Citrus said: We rub off on one another since we share toys how fun
Galah Posted April 20, 2018 Author Posted April 20, 2018 NEW MUSIC FRIDAY Attention all songwriters! The Oceanic GP have been introduced to the remaining tracks of the week and the reviews are in. The best of the week, also known as the "Cream of the Crop" have been determined. As we're trying to decide which songwriters we'd like to sign, detailed reviews of song performance has been provided for this episode. CREAM OF THE CROP* Spoiler 16. @UFO - "Island" Conceptually, this was rather familiar. With this title, I was hoping you’d surprise and avoid the connotations of loneliness and solitude it brings but that’s exactly what this song is about, which is fine, but it’s not particularly enthralling. That said, this is a very well written song-about-loneliness-represented-by-an-island. The inspirational sentiment is nice, and the song takes you on a journey. You also had some really standout lyrics, especially the one I’ve highlighted below which was almost a perfect 10/10 lyric with some tweaking (not sure if tempted is the best word in this case, however - perhaps “so captivated” in its place?). Best lyric: “And I was tempted by the sweet air / that I couldn’t taste the salty water” 19. @Tsareena - "Siren Song" This was another song with a commercial element that was subtle but effective and made for a really enjoyable read. I liked the central metaphor but it didn’t feel as adventurous as it once may have given that there have been so many similar siren-based songs submitted previously, so a new perspective or twist would have done wonders for this song. The little repetitions at the beginning of the verses were a nice touch, and although some of the rhymes were choices (i.e. “Atlantis/survive this”) most were strong. Best lyric: “I watch as your lungs fill up with water / my love song is but a song of slaughter” 25. @Citrus - "Friends" There’s an effortless simplicity about this that I really enjoyed. It feels personal yet relatable which is always a hard balance to master yet you’ve done it so well. Like many others, there was a commercial element to this that took me by surprise, and that was great, however the repetitions in the chorus were probably a few too many. I would have preferred the third lyric in each stanza of the chorus provide a new example rather than repeat the motif. The spoken bridge type section was a beautiful couplet. Overall a strong way to represent the latter half of the first round. Best lyric: “I think that I held onto you cause I thought you were my pillar / we believed we were in love but really we were just familiar” OTHER DEBUTS Spoiler 15. @beatinglikeadrum - "Let's Get Lost" This was a short entry but it still said enough to be interesting. I actually really liked this chorus, and you used filler lyrics such as “oh” sparingly enough that they didn’t detract. Your verses are not up to the level the chorus has set, especially the second one, and your pre-chorus could be tightened up a bit too. The bridge was an opportunity to say something filled with passion and lust and unfortunately you lost me a bit there. Best lyric: “Let’s get lost in the kiss / in the touch / we’re lying here skin to skin / celebrating feelings[…]” 17. @Achilles. - "Cassandra" At first I didn’t understand the significance of the title until I took it upon myself to do some research, and afterwards it definitely seemed like an appropriate title (brief song descriptions are allowed for things like this, but maybe I’m just uneducated). I liked the feminist vibe of the song, it was refreshing, but there is a subtle disconnect here and it may simply be the fact that you’re not a woman, thus specific lyrics containing “we” vs. men don’t hit quite as hard as they seem to come from a place of education rather than experience. More than this, your chorus itself doesn’t add anything new or necessary that hasn’t already been said better, and your pre-chorus would have made a much stronger one. Best lyric: “I can’t teach you to believe what I see / when you’ve blinded yourself so willingly” 18. @Speezy - "Handle It All" I liked that I could imagine this as an actual song in some ways. I feel the main thing this song is lacking is a unique subject matter or an interesting take on a common subject matter. On top of this, none of the individual lyrics really stand out or convey a genuine emotion or lead to a specific climax or resolution. Comparisons between a warm body and cold ice are not the kind of descriptive images that call for a reaction, they’re just placeholders for a potentially better comparison. I’m not suggesting you write from a thesaurus, but definitely experiment with lyrical choices more often and it’ll improve even the most overdone of concepts tenfold. Minor thing, the word you wanted was “piqued”, not “peaked”. Best lyric: “My skin’s scarred with meaningless things / but in front [of] you, I stand” 20. @Avocado - "Impulsive By Nature" I liked the central nature metaphor but I do wish it had been followed to more closely and with a bit more care. The archer/arrow parts felt random and unnecessary. The chorus itself doesn’t really add anything to the song, conceptually or lyrically. The verses were more in line with what the song could have been based around to make it shine a bit brighter, however there were still some choice ideas there like running across a heart or being woken from a bore. I’d recommend working on more natural rhymes because quite a few, if not most, were perfect to the point where you could tell one rhyme in a couplet was only there to rhyme, and the rest of the lyrics before that were only there to make the rhyme work rather than strengthen the story the song was trying to convey. Best lyric: “Although you’ve plucked every flower on my tree / you’re the only one with the power to ripen me” 21. @Lane Boy - "The Hunger" This definitely read more like a poem than a song, but I know you were struggling to submit and I’m glad that you submitted this rather than nothing. I’m not sure why, but the concept of a butterfly “falling” just seems so unnatural to me. Conceptually, there is big potential here, but unfortunately it never soars to reach that potential. Best lyric: “The yearning grows until I’m left to swallow powder blue butterflies” 22. @PoKiTaurus - "Reignited" Okay, so I didn’t realise this was inspired by a video game at first and I was a little perplexed because of that at first, particularly with the chorus mentioning sheep and riptoc foes, whatever they are. I feel the main issue I took with this song was that disconnect from the lack of understanding of the source material, but that aside, I don’t believe the source material has lent itself to song very well. That said, it wasn’t unpleasant to read, and it had a certain charm about it. This was a conceptual risk I don’t necessarily think paid off, but I would implore you to take more risks conceptually in the future, but just make sure they’re risks in the right direction. Best lyric: “An empty seat left in my home / brother, why did you have to go” 23. @Alesus - "Void" I’ll be honest, I found this song a bit hard to follow at times. There seemed to be a lot of statements rather than lyrics flowing or connecting to tell one cohesive story. Abstract lyrics such as “the flames are all and not” which make you question, but not in an inquisitive way, in a sort of confused manner. Perhaps you were going for an almost FKA twigs vibe, I’m not sure. This may seem like an overall negative review, but I feel like there was a vibe you were going for here which you stuck to consistently and that definitely made me appreciate the song as a whole in a way. Best lyric: “Fractals burst through the twilight / the flames fan at my face” 24. @ceremonials - "Breath of the Wild" I’m screaming at not one but two people submitting songs inspired by video games. Has this happened before? Anyway, without knowing much of the origin story, this was still nice. There was an air of mystery which kept things intriguing. The bridge was definitely the highlight for me with the delicately placed internal rhymes and alliterations. Wonderful show of technique. The imagery there was strong too and the titular lyric felt right. Given the strength of the bridge, the other sections do fall somewhat flat in comparison, but only because the bridge is so good. Best lyric: “Just one whisper forms a whirlwind that strides in secrecy / from my lungs into the air, finding its way back to me” 26. @Corsola - "Cocoon" Conceptually, this was my favourite song of the round by quite a way, it was the only concept that really made me think, “Oh wow, oh wow.” Weaving with the fabric of time and memory threads is such a good example of a sci-fi, almost fantasy game-leaning concept that also lends itself really nicely to poetic lyricism. Please finish this, because while incomplete, and I have to critique it as such, this has potential to be a stunning final product. Your rhyming is excellent, including internals, and your lyrical choices are fantastic, your ideas/notes show clear direction but not enough time to find the right execution, which is okay. In reality, we don’t write every song in a week. But unfortunately, you needed to on this day, and it just didn’t happen. Best lyric: “The fabric of time weaves a gorgeous design / but a crevice inside has one thread unwind” 27. @Auburn - "Galaxy Bedouin" I can confidently say I had absolutely no idea what this song was going to be about from the title, nor what a “bedouin” is. I still don’t really, but after some research it appears you’re using it as a synonym for a wanderer or traveller of sorts. Risky, but I like. I think this song was intriguing more than anything, but the extremely static structure simultaneously made it lacklustre. The song was almost over before there was any kind of clarity about what was actually going on in the song and I think that should have been more clearly established earlier on. There’s still a lot to like about this entry, conceptually it’s creative, lyrically it has many good moments, but the pretty lyrics aren’t being utilised to convey the creative concept as best as they could be. Best lyric: “You’ll never know until you’ve kissed / the wisps and whirls of frigid mist” 28. @Lucky#17 - "Weatherman" This was a mixed bag of strong ideas that needed more developing and weak ones that could have been easily replaced. The extended weather metaphor was cute however some of the ideas felt ‘blocky’ and disconnected rather than flowing from one to the next like a cloud moving through the sky. Tying concept with execution can elevate a song wonders. The use of profanity in this particular song didn’t feel like it elevated the vibe. I really liked the pre-choruses and the ideas they conveyed and for the most part the executions there were solid. The bridge was somewhat lacklustre and I’m not really a fan of the attempt to break the fourth wall, but the latter part was admittedly beautiful. Best lyric: “I believe you move much more than me / you move the earth / it’s beautiful” 29. @Xedretinz Lododnz - "Burned Into Ashes" The first couplet really summarised the whole song for me, and I think that is something that you might want to work on, not making the entire premise of your song so obvious initially and so blatantly. From that point, the whole song is just too predictable and the love and fire metaphors are very familiar and cliched and don’t feel inspired or genuine. There were also some really unnatural lyrical choices like “dirty dusts” and “sharp past” just to form a rhyme, try and avoid doing that when you can. I know this was a late submission and I’m not sure if you rushed it, but I’d strongly suggest finding a unique concept or a unique take on a somewhat uncommon concept and trying to avoid using too many lyric combinations that you’ve heard many, many times before. Best lyric: “My hands won’t be deceived to reach you” 30. @SeanKevinMusic - "Playing Pretend" Ooh, the second entry with a recording submitted. This was nice. For me though, it was clear the emphasis was put on the melody and delivery rather than the lyrical, conceptual or structural strengths, which are pretty much the three main things that we look for when judging lyrics, and to be fair to everyone, that’s typically what is focused on. Your rhyming is good and you definitely have the core skills to write a nice song, but again I’d like to see them applied to a more interesting or unique subject matter with an original interpretation or angle. Best lyric: “As the sun beams down and you open the door / I’m still unsure” *"Cream of the Crop" highlights the top three submissions of the batch in order of submission DISCLAIMER: If you'd like any part of your review removed from public view, don't hesitate to tag me.
Speezy Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 How come it took ATRL to tell me about “pique” But I love that you could hear as an actual song .
beatinglikeadrum Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 One judge prefered verses to chorus, second one chorus to verses.
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted April 20, 2018 ATRL Moderator Posted April 20, 2018 Attention !! I love God. I heard my single "Siren Song" is ACCLAIMED in Oceania.
Galah Posted April 20, 2018 Author Posted April 20, 2018 Really sorry for any potential grammar/spelling/idiot errors, it's 5am and I haven't slept yet, I tried to fix most of them but I'm sure a few slipped through Good luck to everyone, overall I thought this was a strong start to the season!
Achilles. Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 @Aurora Your favorite lyric is the first one I wrote for the song! Do you think it would’ve made a difference if the pre-chorus had been the chorus and the chorus had been a post-chorus? (Like how Born This Way has the “ooh there ain’t no other way” post-chorus?). And I get what you mean about the disconnect of a man writing a “feminist” song. I’ve always felt it was kinda strange that songs like Cher’s “Woman’s World” or Beyoncé’s “Run The World” were written by men (aside from Bey’s own credit, of course). But the structure of this game says that we’re supposed to start out writing demos “for other artists” rather than for ourselves, so I thought that I was doing what yall wanted.
beatinglikeadrum Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 9 minutes ago, Hug said: Coming...soon? We love word SOON, don't we ?
Auburn Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 When I agrih with all the criticisms I guess that means I know I'm not putting by best work forward huh
Galah Posted April 20, 2018 Author Posted April 20, 2018 12 minutes ago, Achilles. said: @Aurora Your favorite lyric is the first one I wrote for the song! Do you think it would’ve made a difference if the pre-chorus had been the chorus and the chorus had been a post-chorus? (Like how Born This Way has the “ooh there ain’t no other way” post-chorus?). And I get what you mean about the disconnect of a man writing a “feminist” song. I’ve always felt it was kinda strange that songs like Cher’s “Woman’s World” or Beyoncé’s “Run The World” were written by men (aside from Bey’s own credit, of course). But the structure of this game says that we’re supposed to start out writing demos “for other artists” rather than for ourselves, so I thought that I was doing what yall wanted. Often starting points can be where inspiration is the most rich. That change may have improved it slightly, sure, but that's just a minor change in section labelling. The actual chorus/post-chorus section itself felt unnecessary lyrically and thematically and that wouldn't have changed regardless of the location or labelling. Also, while you're not wrong about what is said about writing for other artists, that's just a part of the story arc and wasn't actually in the challenge brief. In a literal manner, we're not asking any more of less from you than any other PH season... if it helps, think of it as you're a struggling songwriter who is writing songs for yourself, but they get stolen from you by the label and given to another artist. A Tinashe Joyride (before she got it back) tea! But if you keep proving yourself, eventually you'll be signed, and get to keep your own songs. (Again, this is all just for a fun story element, it shouldn't necessarily be taken into account when writing your song, just follow the challenge prompt and you'll do fine!)
Auburn Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 19 minutes ago, Corsola said: Been there but tbh agreeing with your criticisms can be one of the best ways to grow true, I just need to implement the changes better rather than doing everything last minute
beatinglikeadrum Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 (edited) So @Aurora is your review of my song is more of a yes or no ? Edited April 20, 2018 by beatinglikeadrum
Speezy Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 1 hour ago, Hug said: Coming...soon? Oo What kinda dryhump sexbop title is that
Hug Posted April 20, 2018 Posted April 20, 2018 4 minutes ago, Speezy said: Oo What kinda dryhump sexbop title is that I was thinking more of like...instead of gripping the bedsheets, you hug the headboard, heck you might even bite it "Clawing my name with your nails on the headboard Gripping to it so tight that you call it the hugboard" We're coming!
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