Achilles. Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 I knew “away-ay-ay” would get dragged but it was one of those things I just couldn’t resist doing. Your “away, away” suggestion works so much better, though. Why didn’t it ever occur to me? I really disagree about the song not fitting the challenge, though. It’s not like we were told to write songs with ~mysterious vibes~. The challenge was to take a mystery or inexplicable phenomenon (utopia, in this case) and use it as “linear or loose inspiration” for a song, which is what I did. Yeah, my song has social commentary in it; I guess that’s a “loose” interpretation. I can’t deny that certain parts of the song are kinda cheesy, though.
UFO Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Hug!!! I’m so glad you stan the “And then I heard you first, then I felt you second / And when I saw you third, then I remembered” like to everyone else it may not be such a big deal but for me starting the chorus like that was a RISK and wayyyyyyy different to how I usually write but it fit so well and came so naturally to me. Like usually I would write something less.... f idk what the word for it is but usually I would write something more “extravagant” and less understated but it fit so beautifully and I was scared that y’all would hate the “first/second/third” but I guess my executive creative decision paid off! ahhh what a legend. Like for others they probably wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between this song and my others in terms of writing style but for ME it was a hugeeeeee difference. I knew the chorus would either scalp or flop so I’m glad y’all are liking it!!!! So fat And FFDDDDD yes I would definitely benefit from a storyboard it’s like... I know what I want to write but there’s just TOO MUCH that I want to write so I try to incorporate all the themes and so I don’t bother doing a plan or storyboard because the. I get upset if I have to leave out something in my song I’m a ****ing mess ddddddd I actually think I work better writing in groups I think I benefit from someone leading me into the right direction d cause I’m so scattered. let me call up Halara’s songwriting camp. Also DDDDUDDUDUDDDU (Blackpink is coming back ahh! F anyways) I’m not a technical writer whatsoever but I DO agree I could’ve made it less wordy, ESPECIALLY the verse. That’s why I didn’t add another verse cause I KNEW it would be too much f. But the imagery and emotion still came through, which is my strength, so I’m happy! And I’m happy y’all are appreciating the ambitious concept. Although I do admit I think I bit off more than I can chew but go BIG or go home! I literally try to write songs with ALBUM concepts which is a mesS aaaaand I also thought it was the perfect time to do this since last week I was #3 so I felt more comfortable and motivated to expand my capacity as a songwriter a little more. I am... an artisté but I’ll definitely work towards refining my craft and improving myself! Creativity. Ambition. Growth. This is an experience. This is Platinum Hit! *cue theme song*
UFO Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 7 hours ago, Gastrodonatella said: remind ya I'm kinda WET runnin down my [redacted] WET runnin down my [expletive] WET runnin down my I need CupcakKe songs to be performed as spoken word. I’d cry
Hug Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 Other reviews Citrus – “Willow Creek” So, let’s start with technicalities. Are there any faults to them? No. There were a couple instances I saw where you phrased things oddly to better fit your meter, though -- particularly, in the bridge. “In every rock your face” (This would’ve made more sense with a comma, but that implies a break which messes up the meter you set.) and “But onward still I go” (It’s not exactly improper English, it’s just now how people generally talk. Also would’ve been better off with commas.) Otherwise, your entry read well from beginning to end, and every transition felt natural. The chorus felt a bit understated, as if it was originally meant to be your pre-chorus. I do understand that not every chorus has to be big and grand, but if anything, it was more of a refrain. Semantics? Yes, but we already established you nailed everything on a technical level, so there’s nothing wrong there. I’d like to applaud you on the interesting take on the challenge; it wouldn’t have been my first thought, yet it doesn’t really surprise me to see it come from you. minho – “Tell Me Your Story” Right off the bat, I want to say the meter, rhyme scheme, etc. you chose for this song is intriguing. It’s not something very commonly seen in PH, and really I can only think of you doing it. My favorite part of the entry is the pre-chorus. It states something that’s conceptually plain, but the way it’s presented gives off a fairy tale vibe, at least to me. Like this person is ready to hear tales of grandeur and adventure or something. One of my least favorite parts, and one that I’m very torn on, is the bridge. It’s the part that shows the “hum” inspiration best, and has my favorite lines (“A song that moves, hanging in the trees” was great.) and my least favorite lines. (Immediately following it up with “I carry my shoes” is honestly funny when you rhyme it with moves.) Still, we only get as much information as the person who is in this scenario, who doesn’t know much themselves, and this reads like a mystery, which I’m going to say was by design. Making your song feel mysterious, in and of itself, is an effective way to handle the challenge. Gastrodonatella – “Good Boy” I’m glad that you decided to go out of your comfort zone for this challenge. Nobody asked you to (I don’t think?), but you did anyway. It shows your eagerness to grow as a writer to me. Still, when you go out of your comfort zone, you’re treading unfamiliar territory and writing something in the caliber of the material from your comfort zone is a lot harder, and I don’t think you quite did that. The chorus, which I imagine is supposed to be unsettling, comes off more as dull. The way it’s structured reminded me of a nursery rhyme, but without the rhyme. There were also a lack of standout lines, which I think is something you do hear a lot, but it especially rings true here. I can see why writing this would be difficult for you, so I...think I’ll leave it at that. I hope you will continue to explore ideas and styles as a writer and not be afraid of failure. OreGuy – “Thank God For Immune System” You know, there’s a lot to work with for the lost city of Atlantis. There’s tons of lore around it, and it was honestly among the safest things you could have done just because there’s so much to work with...and yet, this reads nothing like it was inspired by Atlantis, unless drowning and “the lost and found” mark the beginning and end of what Atlantis’ legacy is. It reads more like you wrote a song and tried to loosely connect it to Atlantis. It’s...disappointing, to say the least. The song itself, removed from the challenge, isn’t enticing either. It’s overall a very familiar song executed in a less-than-stellar manner. The verses felt like they had little purpose to serve, and could be omitted with little-to-no consequence. No lines were interesting, inventive, unique...some felt more like executions that fell flat on their face. “I'm in the lost and found / But you never took a look inside” This is really making me think you’re in a school or other public area setting, which is very far removed from Atlantis, yet I feel like you added it there to try and be Atlantis-inspired. The lines that followed it (“Do I always have to say it aloud? / I thought you knew me inside out”) felt like a reach for a rhyme, too, but that’s more of a minor thing, comparatively. This just read like one HUGE missed opportunity. UFO – “Hummingbird” I want to start by saying I loved the chorus. “And then I heard you first, then I felt you second / And when I saw you third, then I remembered” what an opening <3 Now, as for the rest of your song, clearly the concept is there, yet you bog yourself down with wordiness to the point where it loses any musicality there may have been. As far as the concept of your song goes, that really shows me your creativity, but I think it’s the same creativity that lends its hand to you always having a lot to say, perhaps too much. I’m not sure if you do this already, but I would suggest writing a “storyboard” first, of what you want to happen, what themes you want to touch on, and any other small idea, like a metaphor or one-liner, you want to add, then refer to that story board when writing and try to keep your thoughts concise and efficiently hit upon. I think that would help you a lot in the long-run. Still, this was not a bad entry by any means! I just think the same sentiments could be said in...not so many words. MattyTacos – “Jonbenet” This is quite a sensitive subject to make your entry about. It requires a certain kind of tact and grace to pull off respectfully, and well...I don’t think that was present. I’ll start with the chorus, as that’s the centerpiece of the entry. “Close your eyes, you’ll feel like you’re winning / As I hit the lottery, cashing your checks” The “winning” line was definitely there to play off the lottery one in the next one. It came off to me as a bit insensitive to the last few moments of her lie as her feeling like she’s “winning”. (I REALLY hope this isn’t the reference to her being raped that you talked about in your “references” section.) “To capture the glory of my greatest success / Cracking open your delicate head” This line was incredibly blunt and best captures what I said at the beginning -- there’s not much tact or grace to this line. This was just the first chorus, there being 3 different ones with similar issues of being very blunt. (Side note: the three different perspectives, while interesting in theory, didn’t work in execution. It would be VERY easy to get lost, especially if you’re not told that this is from three different perspectives. I think keeping it to one theory/one perspective would’ve been a better way to approach it.) I suppose I’ll also touch on the formatting of your entry, which confused me? You used “bridge” in the way you would usually use “pre-chorus”. It’s not a big deal, comparatively, and while I think it was an odd choice, it’s ultimately semantics. The verses were also of different lengths which didn’t help the feeling that this had little-to-no musicality to it. I see that you researched your topic, at least, which is good! While the details of this may be accurate, the way you handled it left a lot to be desired and I would be more careful when dealing with such topics. Overprotected – “Cold Whispers” This entry has a certain aesthetic appeal to it. You also kept it concise, which, as a reader, was very welcomed. However...I don’t really “get it”. The whole thing felt very abstract -- not connected to anything. I got that the white was the snow and that there was time passing, but that’s about it? I don’t know if that was intentional, as nobody knows what happened to the hikers, and nobody knows what’s going on in your entry, but I would’ve appreciated something slightly more...detailed, connected...just something that attaches this to something concrete. Still, I think you have a lot of potential as an aesthetic writer; I think it’s a strong suit of yours. Auburn – “Zodiac Bliss” This is a real mixed bag for me. I think you have a decently-written entry with a sort of pop quality to it. I can feel like there’s a rhythm to it. However, this feels very far detached from what you were going for, despite it seeming like you wanted a more literal approach to the mystery you chose, in that this is actually about the Zodiac Killer. There’s near nothing that actually says it’s about him, yet with the title “Zodiac Bliss”, you figure the Zodiac Killer would play a more integral role...yet, at the same time, what impressions I DO get of the Zodiac Killer is either lose (“If you solve his riddle, crack the code Gemini twin, he’ll remove the mask” is more “Zodiac” than “Zodiac Killer”.) or near romanticizing them. (“His omen is your final gift / You won’t elude the Zodiac bliss”.) It’s overall not a bad entry, just seems like...odd choices were made. Kylie Jenner – “The Queen’s Pawn” “I didn’t know death held hands with fame” Why did this do the whole dying for fame schtick better than every other entry about fame this season. The way that wasn’t even your theme. The chess motif you had through the whole entry was great, and while it’s not the most novel thing, it made SO much sense given the context. I don’t really have much to say, except I didn’t get what you were going for until I realized the “candle in the wind” line was a reference, then I put the pieces together and got shook. This was an overall great entry from you. Achilles. – “A Better Place” I got more “folklore” and “historical events” than “mystery” from this. I love the little references you have in the entry; I think those are really creative and interesting, it’s just not something that I believe worked for the challenge. A small little nit-pick here, but “away-ay-ay” is obnoxious. I think “I wish I could run away, away” would’ve worked better as it places emphasis on that word without the stuttering. As far as your song overall goes, it’s a bit...cheesy. It has a message it wants to convey, but is really on-the-nose about it, and I don’t think it always works in the message’s favor. The things like “Castle in the hair, city on a hill” are more the type of things I’d like to see, and not so much “We fight for better but things just get worse”. Still, it’s not the worst entry, it’s overall okay. Speezy – “Acute Basin” Okay, so is this a sequel to a song you wrote before? I feel like you had a song like this before. “"I'll relay the message not just for you / But for the other women lost at sea”” particularly made me think this because I think it was a line you used in the other song? How embarrassing if I’m wrong. Anyway, the way you chose to tell the story felt odd at times. For instance, would you really start a message, unprovoked, with the word “That”? I felt the use of quotations was a weird choice. Having it so you wrote what was said, in a general sense, instead of exact quotes, would’ve been more effective. With that said, I think that’s my biggest gripe with the entry, because it is a fairly interesting story, and choosing the Bermuda Triangle was a bold choice. Kunst – “Letter to the Editor” I’m going to start with the negatives here. The rhymes you used were sometimes...bad. “Galore” and “More” is the best example for that, since galore didn’t need to be there and was very obviously used just for a rhyme. You also missed a word in “I’ve picking his wits from his trace”. With that aside...I actually think this was among the more enjoyable entries this week. The chorus has a really enjoyable meter to it -- there’s a rhythm that can easily be picked up, and I loved that. Going from the perspective of the cartoonist who involved himself in the case was also a really clever idea! The line I said was missing a word earlier...I feel like “trace” was a double entendre (intentional or not), and I would’ve loved to see more drawing-related language like that. Still, that’s a minor, personal preference thing, because I overall found this to be an enjoyable take on the challenge. Nait Phoenix – “Aliens (In Your Own Home)” I see your inspiration was loose here. Nothing really wrong with it, just an observation. What I do think was wrong was the word choice. “Post-eclectic” ...what? “Amalgamation” I see we’re pulling out the “Least Musical Words in the English Language” Thesaurus for this one. It’s even weirder because the way you wrote it makes me think this is a melodic, pop-friendly tune, not a high-art statement, so the elevated language feels odd. Is it because the language is supposed to feel “alien”? There are some very simply-stated and informal word choices that DON’T feel alien. “Gotta” and “wanna”, for instance. This mix of high vocabulary and informal speech is not a good one. You also do that thing where / you put one statement in two lines, and it feels disjointed. It might work when sung, but since we can only go off what you’ve written, it doesn’t translate into writing well at all. Overall, there’s juxtaposition that arises in how you’ve decided to write the entry, and it’s one I don’t think worked in your favor. ceremonials – “Symphony of the Night” While I do like what you have, it feels very...repetitive, and you could have cut this in half and got the same experience. I also think you got a bit wordy at times, “ maybe then you’d leave our little lonesome galaxy”, for instance, didn’t need two adjectives. It bogs the line down. The chorus (I think it’s a chorus) is what I believe is the strongest part of the entry, and ties the idea of the song together, so good job on that. Temporal – “The Currents Underneath” You took an interesting spin on the mystery I was wanting to do myself, and I think you did a good job with it. For the things that I personally would change: I wouldn’t break my thoughts / into two parts like this. I would also reword some things. “That I could just save for me”, for instance, could be reworded to “I would save just for me” which works better with the line it rhymes with. This isn’t an issue present in the second pre-chorus, and I think it’s stronger for it. The chorus...took a few reads to understand what was going on. You went all artpop with the language for some reason, though it becomes clear once you DO make sense of it. I think the sentiment could’ve been made easier to “understand” with some rewording. Maybe this was purposeful since you’re trying to hide your true self, but...I’m gonna go on a limb and say it wasn’t.
Speezy Posted June 6, 2018 Posted June 6, 2018 Well it was sort of a prequel. But that line wasn’t really used but it was just rephrased,reimagined. Actually the song was supposed to be about foot fetish and how the person goes out to sea and loses her foot just trying to be pleased but I scrapped it.
ultraviolence.xx Posted June 6, 2018 Posted June 6, 2018 i really just dont understand how karli writes a dissertation every week. her mind!
Achilles. Posted June 6, 2018 Posted June 6, 2018 Thanks Corsola sis. I think you’re pretty spot on about my issue with connecting lines. Honestly, it’s kinda a recurring problem for me because I have a tendency to come up with songs by writing two or four lines at a time, and—as seen in this song—sometimes I sorta just stick unrelated couplets together because I like them independently. It obviously doesn’t always work. Like the train couplet that you spotlighted. I knew that it didn’t really fit the song (or at least not where I put it?), but I liked that it had a double rhyme going for it (“forward” / “board” and “back” / “tracks”) and that both conveyed a sense of hoplessness and futility... and I couldn’t think of anything else. Now that I think about it, I should have tried expanding the train thing to be like... “I boarded a train headed for a better place, but it ran off the tracks.” It would’ve tied things together better. And lol “has good ideas, but they aren’t fully realized” is the story of my life.
Auburn Posted June 6, 2018 Posted June 6, 2018 thanks @Hug in retrospect I definitely see where I got lost in what I was going for, and I focused too much on the structural aspects of the song
Aurora Posted June 6, 2018 Author Posted June 6, 2018 My reviews are also going to be a little different this round, I hope some will find the new structure useful.
ultraviolence.xx Posted June 6, 2018 Posted June 6, 2018 my reviews are going to be different too in that they won't exist jk, i'm working on them now. been busy lately but i'll try to get them done asap like rocky
Achilles. Posted June 6, 2018 Posted June 6, 2018 15. Nait Phoenix (Debut) 14. OreGuy (Post) 13. Achilles (Telegram) 12. Overprotected (Homogenic) 11. Kunst (Selmasongs) 10. Minho (Vespertine) 9. Speezy (Greatest Hits) 8. MattyTacos (Medulla) 7. Temporal (Drawing Restraint 9) 6. Ceremonials (Volta) 5. Auburn (Voltaic) 4. Gastrodonatella (Biophilia) 3. UFO (Bastards) 2. Kylie Jenner (Vulnicura) 1. Citrus (Utopia)
Achilles. Posted June 6, 2018 Posted June 6, 2018 4 minutes ago, Corsola said: No. It has to do with length though Oh wow. We love a size queen.
ultraviolence.xx Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 (edited) @Citrus Citrus, “Willow Creek” – right off the bat, the first line is really stunning as an image and also as a metaphor – it’s dead, but there’s still something there smoldering. wow. the last two lines of the first verse work really well as a couplet. are you pandering to me with this northern california setting? cool, it worked. the chorus is really beautiful and simple, and the modification at the end really did it for me. the second verse is where i spot the only weakness – the “bones” line and the “flame” line feel forced for the rhyme; the latter in particular sounds awkward. (also, i’m not sure what “in every rock your face” means; i assume it’s a typo, but i can’t figure out the fix.) this is evocative, simple, and emotionally resonant. good job king. @minho minho, “tell me your story” – i like the concept behind this song, and the sense of story progression as we move through it, but the execution doesn’t feel as fresh and clean as it has in your other entries i’ve read. things like “it’s melodic / a song that moves” – yes, melodies do indeed move. that felt kind of obvious to me. (though maybe that wasn’t the case for others?) i think this has got to be my least favorite minhovian submission of the season so far – it serves concept, but struggles with differentiating itself, at which you normally excel. i think it’d need more sensory detail, more imagery, and more uniqueness for me to fall in love with it. @Gastrodonatella Gastrodonatella, “Good Boy” – this song is very affecting, as i’m sure is no surprise. the chorus is simple but haunting, and the last four lines of the outro are my favorite part. the images are great but a couple of them feel odd—how are the last two lines of the verse happening at the same time? the first time i read through it i thought there were some images that felt clichéd, but in going back to search for them i couldn’t find any—not sure what to make of that. don’t really have much else to say because this is very strong in every way. @OreGuy OreGuy, “Thank God for Immune System” – “why do i keep on breathing if there’s no chance left for me?” this wigged me, girl. the chorus is my favorite part of this, and the verses are nice too, but the pre-chorus doesn’t work for me because the “lost and found” metaphor feels juvenile. also i’m afraid the last line of the bridge lost me. but the verses are solid—i like how the first one ends each stanza with a question—and the bridge is good aside from the ending which i’m not huge on. @UFO UFO, “Hummingbird” – this is very beautiful and evocative as your songs normally are, but i didn’t really feel anything major until the chorus hit, which i guess is how a song should go? (rather than a lackluster chorus.) also idk why but i’m SCREAMING at “depression” being bolded in your explanation. i don’t know why i found that so funny. n. e. way, yes, the chorus is beautiful, and the outro as well. i love the hopefulness of the ending compared to the bleakness of the verses. very well done! @MattyTacos MattyTacos, “JonBenet” – i feel like the pronunciation of her name (rhymes with “beyoncé”) doesn’t really fit with the rhyme in the chorus but i suppose bigger atrocities have been committed in music history. from the opening line this is chilling. mess at “orientate” being a kind-of-word that feels pretty forced. this case used to FREAK me out tho and i’d read articles about it and watch videos late at night so wig @ this bringing back some of my fright. i like the way each chorus is a manifestation of a different theory—it makes the song swirl with mystery and confusion. overall this is solid. (also i kind of don’t like the “never lived to see new year’s day” because, i mean, she did see it every other year of her life ajdfsh) @Overprotected Overprotected, “Cold Whispers” – okay, wig, this is really beautiful and i LOVE the imagery in verse2/prechorus/chorus. really gorgeous combination of words. i didn’t really pick up on meaning until i read your explanation, but it works really well as a vague “quest” kind of story, even without the context of the hiking mystery. the only thing i would have liked to see more of, if you wanted to tie it in more to the incident at the pass, is a great sense of foreboding/darkness, because it felt pretty light for being about death. that being said, i really enjoyed it as it is. @Auburn Auburn, “Zodiac Bliss” – okay, creeeeepy!! i’m not as familiar with the zodiac killer as i am with some of the other prominent serial killer stories, but i really got a good sense of what was going on here and was creeped out as i was reading. the story is really engaging and keeps me hooked to where if it were a song i’d be excited to keep listening and see where the story moves. that being said, the “undo it” line in the chorus felt weaker than everything around it; i feel like you could have phrased that better. @Kylie Jenner Kylie Jenner, “The Queen’s Pawn” – i really like the story and the images you choose here, but some of the lines feel very forced because of rhyme. “a piece in your illegal move” is very awkwardly phrased and feels like it was written just so it could rhyme with the line before. same thing with “brought me down”—this wording feels too informal for the way the rest of the song is set up and suggests to me that it was the first thing you thought of that rhymed with the line that came before. some of them worked by virtue of being established conventions without being overdone—the “health” and “wealth” couplet, for example. let me reiterate, because this reads really negative but that isn’t the case, that i was a big fan of the story interpolation and the imagery, but too many of the lines felt shoehorned around the rhymes to me. @Achilles. Achilles., “A Better Place” – this is odd, because i don’t remember you normally suffering from forced rhymes, but right away the “schemes” line in its entirety should be deleted faT. it doesn’t seem to add anything to the song except for a rhyme with the line before it and awkward images of clowns and crowns that doesn’t really seem to fit. “dead behind my eyes” also feels like you wrote it just to rhyme. i don’t really mind the “run away-ay-ay,” tbh, but it seems way pop-boppier than what i sense you’re going for here. the song to me feels like a mid tempo ballad-ish trash, but the “away-ay-ay” gives it a dancefloor quality that didn’t really mesh for me. on the whole, the song wasn’t executed as well as your other entries i’ve read—it feels cheesier and less unique than what i typically read from you. hoping you make a return to form next round! @Speezy Speezy, “Acute Basin” – this is cute; it gives me bermuda triangle vibes but also siren teas, but like the guy is the siren causing shipwrecks. (ugh my mind.) the double use of “way” in the second stanza felt odd to me, but there weren’t any other technical slip-ups i noticed. i really like the way this progresses from beginning to end as a story, especially the twist introduced in the bridge—that was a nice surprise. this is one of my favorite speezy tracks of the season. also wig at you using the word “buoy” and it not being completely out of place. @Kunst Kunst, “Letter to the Editor” – okay, for what seems like a very last-minute submission, this actually slays. the second verse and certain parts (the first two lines) of the bridge feel lowkey uninspired but i’m very impressed by the first verse, the chorus, and the outro. i love the little lists that happen in the chorus and outro—that seems to represent the lists of details the cartoonist had to pore through and everyone trying to solve the crimes had to revisit. this isn’t your strongest song of the season, but there’s lots of potential here and i’m sure if you’d had more time, this could have been close. @Nait Phoenix Nait Phoenix, “Aliens (In Your Own Home)” – first of all, what in the sam hill does the first line mean? i’ve looked at it for about two minutes now and have no idea. i like the chorus—i feel like it could apply as a metaphor to lots of marginalized people’s lives—but overall i think this is one of the weakest entries i’ve read from you so far. going from your excellent comeback song to this was a bit of a letdown, especially when so much of what made you shine—excellently tight meter, dazzling images—in that round is missing here in favor of something more basic and less impactful. hope this is just a bump in the road. @ceremonials ceremonials, “Symphony of the Night” – goddammit, girl. i thought we were gonna break your video game trajectory but apparently you trumped us yet again. (also sorry for using the word “trump.”) “and maybe then you’d leave our little lonesome galaxy / and maybe then i’d be defined by my own gravity” :’( whew this couplet. i love the repetition of “and maybe then,” that’s very effective. there are lots of cute sad lines in here that i stan. in general i love the fact that it’s cosmically themed but also feels very fresh. not everyone has that! @Temporal Temporal, “The Currents Underneath” – some of these lines feel jam-packed with syllables and i think it might have behooved (behooven? behove?) you to use a bit of a narrower meter. things like “protected by a shroud reflecting every light that’s ever shone” and “that the generations of lives i lived know i was meant to be” feels like wordy ways of phrasing what you could’ve shortened to the same effect. also, in the first line, “fragile” isn’t typically a word i think of when i think about marble—those words seemed to work against each other for me. the chorus and the prechoruses slayed, though, and i can’t find anything to nitpick in them. why does “my identity stitched into the fabric of time” feel like a line i’ve read before? the most familiar thing. anyway, this was overall great, just some things here and there i didn’t love. Edited June 7, 2018 by ultraviolence.xx
Temporal Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 Thank you for the reviews you guys I agree with the stuff y'all are picking for the most part and expected it as well. Idk why that line feels familiar Uvie, at least I haven't personally written a line like it before
Aurora Posted June 7, 2018 Author Posted June 7, 2018 The Oceanic Review for this episode has been structured a little differently than usual. Based on feedback received from previous reviews, I decided to focus more on what I think could have been improved rather than just saying what I liked. I still noted positives, so nobody would think I was completely dragging their entire song, but I did intentionally focus more on the improvements that could have been made in order to make the entry stronger overall. Thank you to all artists for submitting this week, it's lovely to see a week without a single writer dropping out for one reason or another. 1. @Citrus – “Willow Creek” Opening statement: While you’re well past the point of needing to be told you’ve submitted a great song, I’m going to say it anyway. Your approach to the challenge was exactly what I was looking for and your execution was strong. What I enjoyed: Using the Bigfoot mystery as a segue for a father-son bonding exercise was clever. Your chorus was punchy and I liked how you only changed the last couplet each time to keep the song progressing while retaining that central element. What would get you up to the next score bracket: It probably wasn’t intentional, but I took your opening lyric metaphorically. While I think the link between a fire dying out and the memory of a father would have been great, the “hour ago” timestamp breaks this because it’d obviously take you a lot longer to get over such a passing. So, I think that lyric could have been reworked and had an extra metaphorical meaning which would have been a stellar opener rather than just a scene-setter. I’m not 100% certain, but I’m assuming the ‘Creek’ is a brand of alcohol, either way it felt a little forced. I’m not too sold by the usage of ‘murky’ as an adverb for ‘glimpse’ either. I was about to take issue with the usage of ‘spectre’ too, but apparently there are plenty of theories about Bigfoot being a ghost, so, we’ll just leave that one be. The ‘world’s embrace’ lyric was probably the weakest moment of the song for me, it definitely felt like a nothingism just added in there to rhyme with face and juxtapose an absence of touch. Perhaps changing it to ‘earth’s embrace’ and making it a connection with nature would have been a better decision. That may have been your intention all along, but I associate earth with nature and world with people. 2. @minho – “Tell Me Your Story” Opening statement: I was definitely intrigued by your blurb as to how you were going to execute this because it seemed rather ambitious. While I wasn’t completely sold on the connection to the hum from the blurb (it’s certainly a loose adaptation), I was excited to see how you’d form the link. What I enjoyed: The chorus did its part to be the main connection to the inspiration of the song, channeling that doubt, that intense listening and absolute focus trying to hear something you’re not sure if you can. I also liked the decision to incorporate the pre-chorus into the bridge. What would get you up to the next score bracket: There were some issues with consistency and also it felt like there wasn’t a clear direction this song wanted to take, so working on these would definitely have been recommended. The verses felt disjointed due to having different lengths and rhyme schemes. In the case of verse one, I think if you had repeated the lyric ‘I wish you wouldn’t leave me here alone’, it would have solved some of the issues I took with that verse – 6 bars like the second verse, an ABB-CBB rhyme scheme feels much more pleasant, and that recurring lyric just adds an interesting element which makes the whole verse feel more like a song. With the second verse, you have an AAB-AAA rhyme scheme where the ‘B’ clearly stands out as a flaw, coupled with the fact that lyric itself mentions shadows (something you’ve already done in the first verse), overall it just makes that lyric feel vastly inferior to the others. There were some lyrics where you needed to read the previous one for them to make any sense, i.e. they were continuation lyrics, which can always come across as messy (the “Deep into the woods” lyric was one of these). I did feel a bit lost reading this, as if I were in the woods myself. There were moments where the narrator contradicted themselves (being frozen/forced to stand still, then running deep into the woods) and honestly the connection to the hum was also lost in all of the mentions of woods and shadows. I think if you had focussed on onomatopoeia and drew inspiration from sounds rather than visual imagery, it would have suited this type of song a lot better. 3. @Gastrodonatella – “Good Boy” Opening statement: I have two points to address. Firstly, I appreciated that this was something different for you – you definitely have a style, and I think the best way to broaden your style and make it better is by trying something different every now and then. That said, this definitely isn’t peak Gastrodonatella, and I’ll try to outline why while respecting your request to not have parts of your song directly referenced. What I enjoyed: The connection to the mystery of a poltergeist was unquestionably apparent, yet it wasn’t gimmicky. The verses were fantastic and something about the lack of precision as far as meter and rhyming goes, which you’re usually very particular about, made the song more relatable and feel authentic, so that was definitely the right approach for this particular personal song. What would get you up to the next score bracket: In a purely objective sense, the chorus was weak. I think if you’re able to distance yourself from the song eventually you’ll agree with this assessment. The intended vibe and tension came through, however there are definitely other ways of achieving that goal without the elementary and uninteresting lyricism. The outro screams as a far better chorus to me and I think your entire song would have benefited from cutting your chorus (perhaps halving it and adapting it into a pre-chorus or post-chorus) and making your outro the main focus of the song, because the outro is brilliant and even has the connection to the poltergeist which your chorus completely lacks. A really great, emotionally charged bridge would have taken this song to another level, too – never underestimate the power of a strong bridge to make or break a song. 4. @OreGuy – “Thank God For Immune System” Opening statement: Your song title was certainly an unsolved mystery. I didn’t really understand the correlation between that, Atlantis and the rest of your song, but I think Atlantis was a good choice for the challenge as there’s a lot of imagery and content there than can be applied to song. What I enjoyed: The foundation of the song had good potential, and there was some water metaphors which fit the context of the song well, even if they were a bit predictable. There were also some great one liners, such as silence speaking louder than it should. What would get you up to the next score bracket: The first issue I had was that while there are definitely references to water imagery and such, this song didn’t really reference Atlantis itself in any way, and just being a song with water references is not enough of a correlation. So it didn’t really fit the brief on that front, and that’s something that should always be a primary focus. There was some conflicting lyrics, such as you drowning/being underwater, and then breathing fine, then the water was shallow, then it didn't exist? Metaphors work best when they have both a literal and metaphorical meaning, and there were too many contradictions for them to have either, so perhaps picking just one or two and making sure nothing clashes would be my next main suggestion. 5. @UFO – “Hummingbird” Opening statement: You snapped. Even before I’d read your blurb I was stanning, but the levels and layers you managed to incorporate into this song were fantastic. What I enjoyed: A whole lot, actually. Your connection to and reiteration of the hum was present in multiple ways, and the link to depression juxtaposed with the link between a hummingbird and hope was just, honestly it was more than I expected from anyone. I loved the first/second/third idea in the chorus, and how you focussed on sound first, which was perfect for this song. This was high concept songwriting executed very well. What would get you up to the next score bracket: Obviously you’ve already got quite a high score from me, but in order to perfect this, there are still some points that need to be made. The use of “high lows” in the opening lyric was a little clumsy. Having only one verse upset me a little, but the song is quite long as it is, so while it doesn’t necessarily need any more material, it definitely needs that second verse. I’d suggest perhaps splitting the verse you do have into two? I feel that could work, as the verse is 10 rather long lines. Or maybe just remove the part used as an outro from the verse, and make the intro a verse? There’s definitely some more that could have been done structurally. I don’t have anything against long songs if every lyric counts, and I do feel most lyrics in your song are important, but I do think that in your verse and bridge and possibly even intro/outro there are some lyrics which are essentially just different variations of the same thing being said, and so eliminating these instances would’ve just helped to tidy up and polish what’s already a great song so we’re not just getting the same idea a few different ways. 6. @MattyTacos – “JonBenét” Opening statement: Fixing up the title stylization out of respect for the victim. Yes, I know about JonBenét, I– honestly, I think we just need to make a blanket ban on writing from the perspective of a murderer because it’s just never going to end well for writer or reader. What I enjoyed: Not a lot, I’m afraid. I can say I admired the effort that went into the song, making sure the details were accurate, and the creativity of the three different perspectives. These elements applied to another song may have worked well for you. What would get you up to the next score bracket: I mean, don’t write from the perspective of a murderer of a little girl for a start. There was an element of insensitivity surrounding this whole song which made it really hard to finish. The ‘cracking open’ (won’t post the rest) lyric was highly offensive. Shock value aside, the structure and subject matter of the song didn’t lend itself to song whatsoever. The bridge wasn’t a bridge, the second and third verse were too short, the transitions between different viewpoints weren’t very clear and simply didn’t work. I think taking a less literal approach to this challenge (and if you still chose to use JonBenét as your source of inspiration, not roleplaying her murderer(s)) would have been ideal. 7. @Overprotected – “Cold Whispers” Opening statement: I’m glad you decided to join this competition in Episode 2 because it’s nice to see new faces in this tournament and I really think you’ve shown great improvement as a writer in the past few rounds. What I enjoyed: I hadn’t heard of this particular mystery before so I decided to do my own research as things like this interest me and I think this was a very clever concept to draw inspiration from. So intriguing and mystifying, and the natural elements definitely lend themselves to song. What would get you up to the next score bracket: While I think your execution of this fantastic concept was good, it certainly could have been elevated. The setting of this song was begging for lots of wintery and ice imagery, I wanted to shiver just reading the lyrics, and I didn’t really get that. You want people to feel something when reading/hearing your song, and that would have been an easy yet clever way to do that. This said, I think you handled the “death” part tastefully and artistically. While I still think a more metaphorical approach to this challenge would have been best, this is actually a pretty good example of a ‘retelling of events’ type song that doesn’t feel too unlyrical or unoriginal. Something I will suggest, however, is that upon reading about the incident, there was meant to be a 10th member in the crew who left a couple of days early due to illness and was spared… I think writing from his perspective would have taken this already creative concept to another level. 8. @Auburn – “Zodiac Bliss” Opening statement: While I had mostly negative comments for Matty writing from the perspective of a murderer and suggested a general ban on doing so, you’ve proven that a sensitive subject like this can be done with a sense of tact and artistry. For that, this is a success. What I enjoyed: This was probably one of the more obscure examples on the list and upon doing further research of the topic, saw the vast potential for song, and you’ve done pretty well to make this as good as it is. It certainly helped that you weren’t roleplaying the killer, but sort of retelling the events as a third party, which allowed enough of a disconnect for it not to be creepy. Your rhyming and structure and other technical elements are pretty great for the most part, and you keep improving and perfecting these areas week after week and that’s great to see. What would get you up to the next score bracket: The first thing I noticed was that the first four bars of your first verse had this perfect ABAB pattern where the syllables in the A’s matched and the B’s matched and so it was just really aesthetically pleasing and easy to follow. The fifth and sixth (shriek of a woman/whispers of the trees) lyrics don’t have this precision, and it kills the vibe just a little bit. The first part of your chorus is strong, but the “undo it” lyric sticks out in a bad way. While “it” technically rhymes with the other three ending words, the other three ending words are polysyllabic, therefore you really need either another polysyllabic rhyme or both of the final two words to rhyme for the rhyme to sound natural. In this instance, your rhymes are “visit”, “minute” and “lifted”, and the “-do” in “undo” competes with the “vi-”, “min-” and “lift-” parts of the other rhymes. In the second verse, you change to an AABA rhyme scheme, which isn’t bad by any means, but when the previous verse had a ABAB one, it’s little things like consistency in rhyme schemes between verses and attention to the finer details that will push you into the next score bracket. The “react/mask” rhyme didn’t work for me at all because of the way I naturally pronounce mask (more like marsk), but I’m not going to consider this a major issue because I’ve been on the receiving end of pronunciation differences and it’s not fun, but it may pay to consider multiple/alternate pronunciations of words in the future and avoid these. I actually really liked the ABBA (Mamma Mia!) rhyme scheme in the bridge and don’t think anyone has used that this season yet, that’s definitely a trick to keep handy. Overall, I think focussing more on the cipher aspect rather than the murder aspect may have made for a more unique and interesting entry overall, as there’s a lot that could have been done with that, opens up a world of metaphorical meanings etc. but you’ve still adapted the angle you chose to focus on into something solid. 9. @Kylie Jenner – “The Queen’s Pawn” Opening statement: I’m not sure if it was an oversight or a choice not to include some kind of blurb indicating what you song was about, but assuming your song was about the mysterious death of Princess Diana, you didn’t even need one, which was honestly impressive. What I enjoyed: Of all the songs pertaining to a real-life murder mystery or conspiracy, I think yours might be my favourite. You handled it very gracefully and I had no issues whatsoever with it on that front. You have some really clever one liners, such as the “in poverty and in wealth” comparison with the more familiar “in sickness and in health” and the death holding hands with fame lyric, and both of these things made your first pre-chorus a real standout. The chess metaphors throughout added another dynamic which just elevated everything, too. What would get you up to the next score bracket: I think the chorus could have been stronger, in all honesty. It’s not bad, it works, it just isn’t the climax the strong verses and fantastic pre-choruses set up for and deserve. Something about the wording of “Burn my letters, my tiara, to secrecy” felt rushed and a little messy, I think you would have benefited by allowing each example of burning to have its own line or moment in the spotlight. Since you already had the creative idea to tie in chess references, I think it would have been amazing if you’d made some reference to there not being a “princess” piece in a standard chess set in some way, i.e. her not being needed for their “game”. Just a suggestion. While I think the structure and content of the bridge is great, there is also some anomalies in the rhyme scheme that had you perfected, would have made the whole section stronger. 10. @Achilles. – “A Better Place” Opening statement: I can see this being a polarising entry for a number of reasons, firstly because the subject matter is kind of a reach as far as relating to an unsolved mystery or unexplainable experience, but secondly because it has an air of hopeful naivety which some may find cheesy or gimmicky rather than genuinely inspiring or optimistic. What I enjoyed: On a technical level, you had had some really great lyrics in this song, some of your best actually. The opener was great with the dead end dreams/road metaphor, and the internal rhyming was on point. I also liked the references and the effort that went into citing and including them in ways that felt lyrical and not shoehorned in. What would get you up to the next score bracket: Relating to this specific challenge, I think drawing inspiration from a different source definitely would have suited better. A lot of these idyllic places are explained in a biblical or spiritual sense and it’s ultimately up to you whether you want to believe that or not, and for that reason I don’t really agree with the angle, so with that said, the focus is now directed to the lyrics and the execution of the song standalone. The first verse is solid but the pre-chorus adds nothing we couldn’t already gather from the first verse and adds nothing of interest lyrically. As for the chorus, while the idea of a better place starting with you could have been something interesting, it’s simply not developed enough. It needs more purpose, more individuality, more direction… it just feels like a filler chorus so there’s something there until you get back to the verse, where the bulk of the song’s interesting lyrics lie. That said, the opener of your second verse is rather dull also. The second part of the second verse is definitely better, but the ending lyric is still rather blunt and feels very amateur. The bridge started off really great and could have been amazing but there’s just not enough there for it to be worth having a bridge, which is such a shame because what you do have there is a great lyric, especially with the meanings referenced. Overall I have to say, this song is full of highs and lows, we know you’re a fantastic writer and have made a season finale before, but I must say you have a tendency to leave important sections such as choruses or bridges painfully underdeveloped. Less is not always more, especially when some of the “less” is filler. This song also could have benefited from less colloquialisms, such as “gotta” or “[be]cause”, and less blunt, unlyrical phrases “down into hell” / “ones to die”. 11. @Speezy – “Acute Basin” Opening statement: Firstly, I’m glad someone decided to do the Bermuda Triangle, it’s definitely up there for something I would have chosen had I done this challenge. You’ve taken the obvious route and written a song rich with water imagery, which is a tried-and-true recipe for PH success, but how did you do? What I enjoyed: The concept and setting were great, the comparison between the triangle’s pull and a relationship was clever and worked well. Most of the water references and comparison were executed well and it felt like you had a clear direction you wanted to take this song in. What would get you up to the next score bracket: I’m not sure if this song is inspired by a personal experience, but that aside, details can be changed to better fit the theme of the song if necessary. Brown eyes could have easily been changed to blue eyes and it would have worked so much nicer with the water imagery without ruining the alliteration or pacing of the lyric. The lack of any evident rhyme scheme in that opening verse made it hard to identify a specific rhythm either, which is definitely important to establish that in the opening section of a song. The lyric in quotations screamed filler and forced to rhyme with “ways”, and didn’t read like something one would naturally say either (the usage of “that” two times in three words was awkward, and the second usage shouldn’t have been in the quotes), but more importantly the metaphor of being splashed by one’s waves was just too gimmicky, even for a water-based song. The “woman items” on the floor lyric was a shipwreck. Not you and Auburn both doing an ABBA rhyme scheme in the bridge, this is a new trend? We stan. I get what you were going for with this song, the pull of someone who you know is bad for you and doesn’t care for you but you keep going back to them, and eventually are able to escape, but I feel this is more like a song inspired by the tides or a rip current more so than the infamy of the Bermuda Triangle, from which there’s absolutely no escape. I think had you committed to the story of the Bermuda Triangle and went down the route of devastation and knowing you won’t make it out alive and submitting to the pull, having your sonar go haywire and being shipwrecked, lost at the bottom of the ocean etc. would have been stronger overall. 12. @Kunst – “Letter to the Editor” Opening statement: I loved the approach you took to this challenge and this source of inspiration particularly. You and Auburn both chose the Zodiac killer, an option I personally considered one of the harder ones to turn into song, and both managed to do it in a tasteful and creative way. What I enjoyed: The angle, writing from the perspective of someone directly affected by the Zodiac killer (that wasn’t an actual victim of his murder spree per se) was a stroke of genius. The pacing was also crafted really well as there was a sense of urgency when there needed to be, and the progression of the case despite the lack of evidence was represented well. What would get you up to the next score bracket: Number one piece of advice for you, proofread! I know you had some difficulties this week and I hope you’ve recovered quickly, but I can’t stress enough how this is becoming an issue. It was fine in the first couple of rounds but as we’re getting closer to the second half of the competition, lack of attention to detail or proofreading may be enough to get you cut as everyone is really bringing it and we’re searching for reasons to rank someone lower than someone else. “I’ve picking his wits from his trace” is the main lyric I’m referring to here, which is ironically followed up by “He’s not one to make many errors”. Part of me loves the pacing of the chorus, but I also think the lyrics could be better. You’re essentially just repeating yourself a few times instead of listing different characteristics of the killer and the case, which I think would have been a better approach. Being more cryptic like the ciphers the killer used, keeping an element of mystery instead of blatantly stating, “a killer”, “a hider” etc. Lyrics like “a gun loaded with empty clues” were perfect examples of this, they weren’t too direct but still conveyed the message you wanted in a creative way. Using “in this” and then “in this hunt” in the bridge back to back read a little uncomfortably. The “never killed me but my life is in ruins” part of the outro was fantastic, and I think the outro could have been shortened a bit to make this the final lyric, seeing as the identity of the Zodiac killer is still unknown, saying [the narrator] cracked the code isn’t really accurate. 13. @Nait Phoenix – “Aliens (In Your Own Home)” Opening statement: An interesting title, I must say. An interesting concept and interpretation of the challenge too, but it fits… sort of. Since you’re not writing about literal aliens but using them as a metaphor for outcasted or different people, it’s almost lost that link to the unknown, as what’s most unexplainable about aliens is where they come from and whether they exist at all. What I enjoyed: I think writing an anthem for people who are different and misunderstood and treated poorly because of this can definitely be a strong concept for a song. I think you managed to make an alien relatable which is a task in itself, and there were definitely standout lyrics, such as the magnet one-liner. What would get you up to the next score bracket: The main problem I had with your comparison of aliens to people for this challenge, which is unfortunately a common thing for some people to do, is that the sense of mystery and unknown was dispelled in the process. It then shifted the focus of the song to being something of overcoming adversity rather than mystery. The first verse was really wordy, perhaps overly so, and it made it difficult to establish a rhythm. I also questioned the usage of “billion-of-a-kind”, which to me means very common, since “one-of-a-kind” means rare, which contradicts the whole ‘I’m an alien, I don’t think the same as you do’ premise of the song. The greatest mystery I found were some of your word choices, which just didn’t read as lyrical ones whatsoever, especially when you’re using colloquialisms such as “gotta” and “wanna” between verses with “post-eclectic”, “extra-exaggerated” (pleonastic, even if intended to be so) and “amalgamation”, it just meant there was no linguistic cohesion and made the tone of the song very hard to grasp. The bridge was my favourite part of the song, and I feel represented the vibe that best would have worked for this challenge if the whole song was written in this style. 14. @ceremonials – “Symphony of the Night” Opening statement: I really liked the source of inspiration you decided to go with and felt it was a clever choice for you as it lended to a specific style of spacy imagery you tend to do rather well. I do wish there was more precision with the labelling of sections, but it didn’t disturb the flow too much. What I enjoyed: The overall vibe of the song, and the more relatable connection you established amongst the space and satellite metaphors. Your pre-choruses were short, punchy and served their purpose perfectly. The use of repetition made the song feel very melodic and entrancing, and the way the bridge was set up was perfect. What would get you up to the next score bracket: I think there was an element of uncertainty as to what symbolised who at some stages, I’m not sure if I was just reading too much (or not enough) into things, but I couldn’t get a clear picture of who was meant to be the satellite and who was meant to be the planet or moon or sun etc. At first I assumed you/the narrator was the satellite, but the more I read, I found things which contradicted this. How can a moon be forged from a satellite, for a start? The second lyric establishes ‘narrator is to satellite’ as ‘love interest is to planet’, yet in the chorus you use the lyric “If you could only be the moon that orbits me”, indicating the narrator is the planet? Or perhaps just wishes they were the planet, i.e. the one with the pull, which I suppose is actually quite a good comparison if this is so. But regardless, it’s difficult to identify, so ensuring clarity with your intentions would definitely be recommended. Another example, if the love interest in this instance is the planet, the “But you float away with ease” lyric doesn’t really work either. With highly metaphorical songs, the goal should always to be finding a balance of creative metaphor and interesting real-life application, which you have done with most of this song, but not with all of it. 15. @Temporal – “The Currents Underneath” Opening statement: The blurb, I’m screaming. Aren’t you like 21? Your whole ass one year of soul searching, bitch please. Anyway, this song gave me a lowkey me in S10 tea with the sprinkling of archaic lyricism, but I really enjoyed it and felt it had a place in this song. What I enjoyed: Quite a lot, I was a big fan of this offering from you. You picked a really original source of inspiration from the list and applied it to an (almost) equally mysterious albeit relatable side of yourself, almost like the self-portrait challenge from seasons’ past. I liked that this wasn’t a typical water imagery-based song which it could very well have been from the title, and the titular lyric was cleverly utilised. It also felt like you actually tried to do the challenge rather than just writing a personal song and hoping it’d be able to squeeze into the brief as an afterthought. What would get you up to the next score bracket: Your verse length is great in this song, I feel you tend to go on the shorter side with verses and choruses and such, but I really liked this length. I could have even done with an additional quatrain in each verse, but it wasn’t as if your song was missing much so they weren’t missed entirely. Honestly this was a re-peak for you in my opinion, so the only main piece of advice I would suggest to get you right up near a 10 would be to experiment with structure a little more. You seem very, very comfortable with your quatrains and your verse/pre/chorus/verse/pre/chorus/bridge/chorus arrangement, which is very typical and fine, but that can (and will) get a little old if you continue to box yourself into this rigid arrangement for the remainder of the competition. Experiment with 8 bar verses, 6 bar choruses, even a 5 or 7 bar section if you can think of a creative way to make it work. Be adventurous, but make it work. You’ve mastered the quatrain, now I want to see that train jump the tracks a little.
Temporal Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 Ugh why does Sam always spill so much TEA on me I’m glad you liked the song!
UFO Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 wow!!!!! THANK YOU @Aurora like i'm in shock because I honestly didn't expect my song to be received that well I thought I would get dragged harder so whewwwwwwwwwwwww! the anXXXiety has been [redacted] i'm so happy the sound frequency concept broke THRU and what, not you praising my execution omfg. sdkl !Q!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! everyone stanning my chorus AH and yessss i was gonna do another verse but then I was like hmmmm it might be a bit TOO much so I was confused dsjlfds and decided not to do one but I totally get what you mean. my problem is i have TOO many ideas and i want to include them ALL ughhhH i wasn't ready for this appreciation. ahh thank you, fudgecake!
MattyTacos Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 So I originally wrote essays about my stance on @Aurora's & @Hug's reviews as well as my response to corsola's well written essay about my song that I tried to explain more in depth & have a conservation about, but I added uvie's to my comments and it just...deleted them all so that's annoying & I don't feel like retyping everything I just wrote since it's mad late. Corsola, I get your stance on the song & can totally see what you mean with the narrative/line you addressed, I tried to tone down the true nature of the crime & it defo was a lot of perspectives to take in but it's just a hard case to understand & process especially with so many theories & clues pointing to the family (who got AWAY WITH IT). The song is meant to be a serious take on the true nature of the crime, and @Aurora saying I wrote a song from the perspective of the murderer is stupid since it's clearly about the role each family member played in the case & no one has been convicted, it's as harmless as her documentary on netflix trying out actors for each different murder theory. Jonbenet was SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, Jonbenet's mother could have been jealous (the only theory without any fact & evidence), and her brother paintied her wall with sh*t/admitted to being jealous of Jonbenet. Thank you as well Corsola about the couplet & advice for the song, it could use a more defined perspective. But to hug/aurora, I'm not here to lie or give a "gasp", I'm here to present truth through my art, in no way I meant to disrespect Jonbenet or act like she's another popstar to stan for/shade like ATRL would or add "shock value" to enchance the song, but rather bring to the table a horrifying case about what happened to a young girl that shouldn't have & point out each theorized reason behind the family members to want to kill her. What in the order do I have to gain by shocking 2 random people online that I don't know. Also Uvie I didn't notice till I submitted the song truly a beyonce tea You can take this as my resignation, give my spot to somebody else or something. PH, I'm out, see y'all talented souls in hollywood
Aurora Posted June 7, 2018 Author Posted June 7, 2018 I don't even know if you'll read this but I feel obliged to respond since you directly mentioned me not once, but twice, so it's clear most of your frustrations are directed towards me. 6 hours ago, MattyTacos said: @Aurora saying I wrote a song from the perspective of the murderer is stupid since it's clearly about the role each family member played in the case & no one has been convicted, it's as harmless as her documentary on netflix trying out actors for each different murder theory. Jonbenet was SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, Jonbenet's mother could have been jealous (the only theory without any fact & evidence), and her brother paintied her wall with sh*t/admitted to being jealous of Jonbenet. In your own words, "Each chorus takes on a different murder theory." It's clear you've written from the perspective of the father, mother and brother as if they were the murderer, outlining their motives as to why they'd do such a thing. How is that assessment "stupid" when it's literally what you did? A murder theory involves someone being accused of murder, which is what you're describing in each scenario. Quote But to hug/aurora, I'm not here to lie or give a "gasp", I'm here to present truth through my art, in no way I meant to disrespect Jonbenet or act like she's another popstar to stan for/shade like ATRL would or add "shock value" to enchance the song, but rather bring to the table a horrifying case about what happened to a young girl that shouldn't have & point out each theorized reason behind the family members to want to kill her. What in the order do I have to gain by shocking 2 random people online that I don't know. You retold three popular murder theories from the perspective of the suspected murderer(s). Where is this truth? They're all theories, and none of them your own. We know you didn't set out to disrespect JonBenét but the way you approached this delicate subject matter wasn't very tactful. The only other song this distasteful in recent memory was one written from the perspective of the Pulse shooter. I can't apologise for not enjoying reading about murder theories which involve multiple people cracking open a little girl's head for personal gain, I just can't. Quote You can take this as my resignation, give my spot to somebody else or something. PH, I'm out, see y'all talented souls in hollywood There is no need to resign. I hoped you wouldn't take this personally and understand you made a poor decision with your choice of subject matter and more importantly the execution of it, but it's not really indicative of your talent as a great writer, which we all know you are. We were all rooting for you after the comeback round and that fantastic entry, so it's upsetting to see your time in this tournament end like this. Whatever ill feelings you may have towards me (and Hug) now, I hope in time you'll understand how important you are to the PH family.
Kylie Jenner Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 11 hours ago, Aurora said: Since you already had the creative idea to tie in chess references, I think it would have been amazing if you’d made some reference to there not being a “princess” piece in a standard chess set in some way, i.e. her not being needed for their “game”. Just a suggestion. ugh, this is SUCH a great idea. I wish I'd have thought about that because that's really a great way to look at it!! Thank you for the kind comments xx
SaintWest Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 @Citrus - This was a solid entry. I liked the way the chorus changed subtly throughout the song. It gave a sense of progression while still being recognizable as the main chorus. I think verse 2 was stronger than verse 1 both lyrically and emotionally, but verse 1 was still good, it's just that you snapped on verse 2. My main issue with this song is that it's not very formal and feels conversational, but some of the lines are written in a way that you wouldn't normally hear in a casual setting (onward still I go, I hope it's so for you, etc.). My main suggestion would be that if it's a conversational entry, make it sound that way across the board, because those little blurbs of odd wording stick out more than they would in a more poetic entry. @Gastrodonatella - @minho - This entry had small things that made it refreshing and unique, what with the title being used in the prechorus rather than the chorus, the unique rhyme schemes, and the open ended nature of the song's meaning. That being said, some of these aspects were double edged swords. They helped your entry stand out, but sometimes they were also a little confusing. The meaning of the hum seemed like a side plot rather than the main focus, as a lot of the focus prior to the bridge was placed on building up the setting. I feel like the hum's meaning was open ended not because it was ambiguous, but because it simply wasn't elaborated on enough. You built a wonderful setting though, so it definitely wasn't time spent wasted! Nearly all of your lines were seamless and transitioned into each other effortlessly. I don't like the line about carrying your shoes, though. It felt like you just put that in there to match the cover art. The cover is cute though so it was probably worth it. @OreGuy - Let me start off with the negative so I can end on the positive. Your song's connection to Atlantis was very loose, and the connections you made to it with lines like the lost and found were not my favorite. There were also some grammar problems, one example being "Acting nothing's happening" when it should be "Acting LIKE nothing's happening". The last two lines of the bridge were also kind of odd. The whole song talks about drowning, but you went on to say you can't swim in shallow water and that the water may not even be real, so that was a little off. That being said, this had charm to it. Your chorus ended on my favorite line in the song, which made your chorus feel impactful and important. I also think the song structure was fun. It wasn't traditional, what with the choruses and verses changing lengths, but it kind of evened itself out because when the second verse was shorter, the second chorus was longer, so it didn't feel like you ran out of things to say, you just put them somewhere else. The closing couplet at the end of the last chorus was really nice. @UFO - Let me start off by saying that this is my favorite entry of yours so far. You're proving to be a force in this competition between last round and this one! Your concept was probably the most adventurous this round saw, and that's made more impressive given that it's a round that pushes you to write about mysteries and crazy events. This entry was a little wordy, but I think it was worth it, because it helped you flesh out the themes of your song. The high frequency hummingbird representing hope and the low frequency hum representing the invisible depression inside of you was really beautiful. I do wish this was a little bit more polished, as some of the lines felt like filler (using higher twice in one line in the intro) or were executed in a way that felt less serious than the rest of the entry as well as a little less well written (These terrors I can’t fight I’m so confused, completely torn). This potentially could've been a #1 for me if it had fixed the technical errors it had. But again, this was a really strong entry. I'm excited to see what you do next week. @MattyTacos - First of all, JonBenet is pronounced JonBenay, not JonBenette. I won't mark your rhymes for this because if we assume it's pronounced Benette, they do technically rhyme, but if you're going to do an entry on JonBenet Ramsey, it's best to know how to say her name. Anyway, this entry was... not the most pleasant to read. The line about cracking open her head came out of nowhere and was just too gruesome. There's a time and place for bluntness, but child murder is not one of them. This entry came off as insensitive to me, especially because you didn't even pronounce her name right while talking about cracking her head open. I did like the line about blood written in family's name, though. A more subtle approach with lines like that could've made this entry better. You know how sometimes characters in movies die offscreen to make it emotional without being gruesome or gory? This entry could've used an approach like that.
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