ughgabriel Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 2 minutes ago, Achilles. said: Glad to see Rihanna taking out the trash. But she didn't scrap Love on the Brain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 LOTB slander is warnable now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cupid Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 @Kunst - I think you had a nice story going on here, the first pre-chorus was really great. I wasn't that wow'ed by the chorus if i'm honest. There were a few times you repeated words "i'll drop traces of us in the distance between us" which came across rather awkward and clunky. I actually preferred your final chorus to the original, although I feel as though it ends the story rather abruptly. From my perspective this seems like a song about an abusive relationship, but I feel like more could have been done to get that across. The bridge for example, with the "who's to say" lines, had a lot of potential, if you had repeated those. While I feel like you did well to stick to the challenge, there's a lack of punch here, pardon the pun. @ceremonials - Firstly this is a very interesting song, Meryl is shook at the plagiarism. I'll start with the criticisms. The double use of "make" in the first verse - doesn't fit the challenge or the song imo. The over-use of "move", came across as a really lazy way to play on the metaphor/title. Other than that, I actually really enjoyed this. The chorus was really nice, the bridge tied up the song perfectly, and the language/phrases tied into the concept well. @Aurora - Firstly, I just can't @ an "empty inside" line. The main problem I have with this song is that each part is so short and it makes it feel extremely long. I get what you were going for, and I appreciate the risk, but I would have preferred some lengthier "Dear Diary" verses and maybe some short choruses in that style, if you wanted to keep the sharp punch/effect of that style. I enjoyed the language, it was pleasant to read, it fit the challenge and you crafted a distinct style which stands out amongst these entries. @ughgabriel - To be honest, I read the first half of verse 1 and I was like ugh.. here we go.. not promising.. But I have to say, the song immediately picked up in the second half and stayed consistent until the end. Your bridge is honestly one of the best things I've read in this entire game. This song is very poem like, imo - but for the confines of this challenge, I think you can get away with it. There's something so beautiful and poignant about this. @Corsola - I felt like this song was rather stagnant. The first two verses are basically "I found nothing here", they could have been combined honestly because it was slightly repetitive. Honestly there wasn't much of an emotional connection, it was sort of odd how this person just randomly/suddenly was like "oh actually I suddenly learned what home is and i'm nice now", there was like no build-up or explanation there, it just happened. It's an interesting concept, but it felt rushed, this is basically like your demo era, we need to be getting finished products a this stage, not rough drafts. @SaintWest - I honestly read this whole thing and didn't even realise it didn't rhyme. You managed to craft a catchy song, without using rhymes, something which is very hard to do, so I have to give you props man. To top it off, you had a consistently good theme running throughout the song, which managed to be personable and thoughtful at the same time. This is a great example of excellent songwriting. @TheCheetahwings - I sort of feel like this song is rather basic, it's not the most clear and it's rather paint by numbers. I could have done with another verse at the end, instead of those back to back chorus/bridges. I feel like maybe you could have told the story a little better and provided more depth to the song that way. The bridge was nice though, and you kept to the challenge. @MattyTacos - There were a couple of cringeworthy parts here, mainly the end of the bridge and the outro. It was a little, basic/Katy'ish. I like the theme of your song though, and I thought you nailed the chorus. Verse 1 and the pre-chorus were also good, it could have done with a little more depth however. @Auburn - This one was rather interesting. The first verse had me very intrigued, there's something off about your flow though, especially in the chorus. I could have done with another verse maybe, the song felt a little short. Overall it was nice though. @jpow - Is this a real entry? Or are you quitting? @Gladion - There was a little too much repetition here, but you paint some beautiful imagery. There's always a risk when doing seasonal entries because the whole concept of writing songs using metaphors for weather etc is very played out. But what you wrote was rather enjoyable, so I can't complain. It does feel a little long though. @UFO - I prefer the verses over the chorus. The whole "treated me like pearls, as if I was a diamond" thing was just... girl, you know better than this. Everything else was quite nice, but i'm not sure how this stacks up against some of the more distinctive entries this round. @Achilles. - I feel like this was a really weak round for you. I'll be honest I didn't enjoy this and the fact it went on forever was agonising. I feel like this round gave you guys a license to be creative and adventurous and you served something very generic/childish, which I know you're much better than! @funnellegs - Something about this just really clicked with me. It was erratic, frantic, and quite fantastic. You paint this picture of a self-deprecating flawed person, but spin it into a love story and there's something so relate-able and charming that lies underneath a current of mad-dash poetry. It was nice, basically, well done. @8thPrince - As with other entries this round I feel a lack of build-up/substance in this entry, I could do with another verse and a little more story. What you do have to your credit, is the ability to create subtly beautiful scenery. There's something about the soft language in this song that connects with the imagery you're painting which compliments each other rather nicely. @Jackson - Poor you because this song would've been great next round. Honestly I don't care for the first verse, I feel like there could have been a better introduction to the story than that, but what came after was great. "A mothers love divided, by the wrongs of other men" was especially poignant to me. I feel the bridge could be a little more polished (mainly the first 4 lines), but the latter half was good. Obviously this theme is very relevant right now and the connection to Berlin was very tastefully and nicely crafted. It's nice to see a song be politically charged without being in your face or overt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Cupid, you better stan for SaintWest ha entry. I was thoroughly impressed for the reasons you highlighted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denim Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Thanks for the review cupid Just curious, what should I have done to make it shorter but still keeping the 4 seasons in the song? Each verse 4 lines rather than 6? or make verse 1 two seasons and verse 2 two seasons? I totally agree it's on the long side Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Thanks @Cupid! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cupid Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 1 minute ago, Gladion said: Thanks for the review cupid Just curious, what should I have done to make it shorter but still keeping the 4 seasons in the song? Each verse 4 lines rather than 6? or makes verse 1 two seasons and verse 2 two seasons? I totally agree it's on the long side I think 4 short verses would have been better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 The lack of a review for @swiftie13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator khalyan Posted January 29, 2017 ATRL Moderator Share Posted January 29, 2017 mEss y'all - if I was quitting I wouldn't have sent an entry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Someday I hope to write a song as good as this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funnellegs Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Thank you @Cupid Really appreciate the kind words! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 14 minutes ago, Cupid said: @ughgabriel - To be honest, I read the first half of verse 1 and I was like ugh.. here we go.. not promising.. But I have to say, the song immediately picked up in the second half and stayed consistent until the end. Your bridge is honestly one of the best things I've read in this entire game. This song is very poem like, imo - but for the confines of this challenge, I think you can get away with it. There's something so beautiful and poignant about this. Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaintWest Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 @Cupid @Hugamari I'm shook. Thanks Cupid and Hug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cupid Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 11 minutes ago, Jackson said: The lack of a review for @swiftie13 Never got sent his entry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Now we wait for the unpredictable pears Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 5 minutes ago, Cupid said: Never got sent his entry! speak on this @keshaspearsxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cupid Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 2 minutes ago, Jackson said: speak on this @keshaspearsxo Well, he actually sent a google doc in the judges group PM, and swiftie isn't in it... so I don't know how all the other judges managed to review him? Lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Well, Huga was the only one to comment on it. Hunter just said 'Oh.' Did Hor quit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UFO Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 (edited) oop thanks @Cupid! I also prefer the verses to the chorus. The verses were a lot easier to write with no rhymes than the chorus. Also, I admit that diamond/pearl imagery was kind of lazy and cliche ddd it's really easy to tell (at least for me) which parts of my songs were rushed. I'm just glad the imagery wasn't too all over the place this time and I managed to hone in on one idea My favourite parts of my song would probably be the first verse, the never find the right tools/bridge the gap line and the treated me like a goddess/alone in heaven line. Edited January 29, 2017 by UFO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 24 minutes ago, Cupid said: Well, he actually sent a google doc in the judges group PM, and swiftie isn't in it... so I don't know how all the other judges managed to review him? Lol Girl he was the first one on the doc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Oh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cupid Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 2 minutes ago, Temporal said: Girl he was the first one on the doc Girl, where. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Mess, I just checked and it's not on the doc anymore. Pears is the only one who can edit it so Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Maybe swigie pulled it idk, which would highkey be dumb bc we're doing like 1 elim this round and there's cum backs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cupid Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 So what is the truth @swiftie13 @keshaspearsxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.png.5c069777b1ab1d704a32825806767213.png)
Recommended Posts