Temporal Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 ****ing WHY does it take ****ing eons to format these damn reviews Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 are yall still in dubtrack its not loading n Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Just now, ceremonials said: are yall still in dubtrack its not loading n yeah me tymps and huga are Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 1. swiftie - Compass Oh. 2. Kunst - Bad Things DISCLAIMER: Okay I wrote a lot and it’ll probably come across as a lashing, but your song really wasn’t that bad. There’s this kind of middle ground in quality where you’ll get a lot of comments because there’s a lot of potential for doing better. You got a decent/good score from me, pls don't meltdown. There wasn’t anything egregious about this entry, but I just didn’t feel anything from it. There weren’t any really strong ideas or images, and I can name a number of songs that use wartime as a metaphor for a relationship, so on that level this was a bit elementary. Aside from that, a few lyrics confused me: “lies on the rocks for too long ever since” “lies” as in the verb or the noun? “no anticiption needed for the truth” I didn’t get where the anticipation was coming from? Is anticipation normally needed for the truth? Also check your spelling “now i'm selling hope for peace” so like… I’m torn between thinking this lyric is cute and also not getting it. Is it supposed to be like, you’re giving up on the hope of peace? This might have been a preposition issue because just in writing that last sentence I had to rewrite it like five times to make sure I would get my point across. “something about us / was a beating trainwreck” I’d get saying one person is a “beating train wreck” but saying two people were “a beating train wreck” is a bit… weird. Do you mean beating as violence or beating as in a beating heart? Aside from THAT: Some of your language was also stiff as well (ex. “the lesson repeats, but I learned it this time / I’m sorry this breaks you, it broke me as well”). “I'll drop traces of us in the distance between us” could’ve been a really good line but the double “us” kind of killed it. “how can I not choose to breathe?” this served “I might die if I forget how to breathe”. The bridge was trying a bit too hard to be poetic with little substance to do so. 3. Ceremonials - Zugzwang This title is trying to serve Vilomah SO hard Anyways, I didn’t think that imagery was too inconsistent sans the first verse where it was a bit jumpy, and maybe the forest reference in the second verse. Your plot was interesting, but I really wanted to know how the **** this woman was put in a position where she had to kill either her son or husband. That definitely needed more development. “The devil's whispers in my ear / Or the final heart in his hands” this couplet wasn’t very sequential, the “or” came out of nowhere seeing as there’s only one thing that you put on the table here? Does that make sense? The chorus felt more like a pre-chorus to me, and the “breathe” line felt awkward compared to the others where the first half of the line paired much better with the second half. “And I'll know all I have to know / And I'll know my final move” Second line def didn’t need the third use of “know” in the couplet 4. Aurora - Dear Diary This obviously wasn’t your best and you know that. I’m not going to embarrass you by lashing you and things you definitely know how to fix. But in short, this was definitely a sophomoric entry, and hopefully you’ll get the chance to be the trUE Aurora next week. 5. Ughgabriel - Black Mirror This entry was cute, I don’t have too much to say because on a practical level there weren’t a lot of words here. My main issues are that this could have been less obtuse, and that made this emotionally distant. “Black mirror/ Whose skin hides a hurt soul / And I bear with the guilt” the “and” didn’t fit with the first half of the line I liked your vocab, it was very fitting. 6. Corsola - Home This entry definitely felt rushed, but I didn’t think it was awful. It was a pretty middling okay. The narrative was definitely lacking though, since this was a pretty bold subject matter it needed more support, and you didn’t really give it enough. “That I wasted on this futile orb” what dat orb do The chorus had some spectacular imagery but it wasn’t utilized very well, the lines themselves didn’t frame the imagery well enough. Idk if that makes sense. This ended very abruptly 7. SaintWest - Numbers Boy This entry was overly simple. It felt choppy and lacked depth. I feel like this would’ve been good for an actual, practical song (a solid bop I might add), but there was a real lack of lyrical substance. There just weren’t any punches with this. The chorus was definitely very weak and kidz-boppy, but I do like the concept at the core of it. It could be a cute song, but not something that you should’ve used for a pure lyric writing contest. You def had a rhyme in the bridge, delete it 8. TheCheetahWings - Waiting For You I feel like this song has the potential to work a really cool double entendree about Christianity, like, the chorus sounds like you’re waiting for someone who’s dead to return? I think something like that would’ve really elevated this to a higher level. To compound that, this entry was already really vague. I felt a bit lost with this, and like Huga said, this was definitely same-y. Not a bad song, but definitely a forgettable one. “You disappeared into the mist in the air” if you have to use a double preposition, it’s probably going to come off as forced! “Should I have ran after you that night?” it’s a bit of a pet peeve of mine when people use stuff like “that night” to be all dramatic when we aren’t given the slightest idea of what happened that night. Or at least I didn’t pick up on it at all. Either way, this felt a bit cliché. “Confessed every thought and hope to you?” “to” seems a bit weird here (insignificant nitpick) The ending was definitely weak, the bridge tried to set up some momentum but you didn’t capitalize off of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Oh my god this site is pissing me off so much The banner wasn't showing up, it wouldn't let me post, the spacing is off, I couldn't @ everyone, AND it took 30 minutes. Jesus Christ. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 Oh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 the lashings. love it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 thanks huntee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 Oh I just found out about the italics situation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 Tag them next time sausage fingers ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8thPrince Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 @Temporal when writing his reviews: Temp: This review looks... off... "egregious" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 3 minutes ago, 8thPrince said: @Temporal when writing his reviews: Temp: This review looks... off... "egregious" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 3 minutes ago, 8thPrince said: @Temporal when writing his reviews: Temp: This review looks... off... "egregious" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Me looking up egregious and seeing that it's meaning today is the exact opposite of its original meaning. A "literally" tea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Oop, got "good" and "cute", nice, nice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 why arent you in DT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 everyone on this page is in DT tho Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 stop harassing me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Hugamari's Comments Round 5, Batch 2 (just like last time, if you need me to expand on anything, just let me know. Specifically, @8thPrince just tell me if you want a real review.) @MattyTacos - Isn’t It Funny? I think the problem with this entry was that it’s a bit too wordy. There wasn’t really anything resembling lyrics in some lines. “...everybody says “you know wrong from right”, and trust me I do, or at least I thought I did” for instance, sounds more like a thought than a lyric. I chose from the chorus specifically because if anything is supposed to sound lyrical, it should be the chorus. In a similar vein, I can’t really comment on meter because it just reads like words. @Auburn - Nuisance So...what is this about? It would be really interesting if this was from the perspective of someone who was having a mental conflict about themselves if they are a boy or a girl. That’s what I was getting, but I can’t really tell. Either way, I thought this was forgettable, and a bit phoned in? @jpow - Being Myself I can’t seem to decide what I think of this song. On one hand, I love the social commentary. It’s open, yet very tongue in cheek. On the other hand, the second verse effectively tells me you want to quit? I can’t give you a bad score based solely on the fact that you want to quit. If you want to, just do it. Regardless, this stood out. Take that how you will. @Gladion - I Move Along With The Weather Well, I suppose it’s not bad. It just feels very aesthetic and surface level. In that sense, nothing stands out. I did notice the Gaga promo though! @UFO - Bridge the Gap This was oddly straightforward for you, but I welcome it! I think it shows your versatility, really. You can do weird, different, “out there”, and you can also do...this. It’s nice. The only things I can say are minor, like you using diamonds and pearls in one verse (Pokemon, its power) even though they’re not completely related, was a bit off. I also thought it was a bit long, and you could have maybe had an abridged version that could do the same thing. At any rate, you handled this challenge well, I thought. @Achilles. - Love Scene, Take One “Role” and “control” are rhymes! 0/10 see you next season, fat! No, but seriously, you had an odd amount of typical sounding lines in this. “Your lips on my neck sends shivers down my spine” is two for one, “Everything you touch turns to gold” is also typical sounding, and generally, the idea of someone making you “shine” has been tried before. Besides that, though, I think there’s a certain charm in this entry. It’s a fun take on the idea of a love song, gives me Broadway (which you’re a fan of, iirc?). Was nice to see after the usual type of entries I’ve been seeing. @funnellegs - Seventeen This is very...you. It has the same type of young love theme we’ve seen in your other entries. I think I like this one more than your other ones, yet at the same time, I’m a bit bored with the concept. I would strongly advise that you take a different route for your next entry. As for the technical side of things, I think this was solid. @8thPrince - Shelter Your word choice? Egregious. Your theme? Egregious. Your meter? Egregious. You? Egregious. @Jackson - Berlin Drag Donald Trump. No, but I think you handled the political commentary very well. It was subtle. I can’t help but get xenophobe tea from “I never liked her accent”, I’m assuming her is actually a group of people, but I can’t help but take it as a singular person. I also don’t get why you had to point it out? Was it so you could emphasize that you don’t like the wall(s)? It’s confusing because to me, it seems like although this person didn’t like her accent, or the fact she seemed disinterested, he still wants this girl, and the fact that there’s a wall upsets him for the sole reason of this girl? At any rate, I’m sure you’ll school me on it once you see my review. <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denim Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 just curious, what's the gaga influence? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 1 minute ago, Gladion said: just curious, what's the gaga influence? You said "The Monster" in the bridge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denim Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Just now, Hugamari said: You said "The Monster" in the bridge. Oh, look at me subconsciously referencing my fave like that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Achilles. Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 (edited) “Role” and “control” are rhymes Literally how the **** did I not notice this? I was really paying attention to that line, too. I was gonna use "take over" instead of "take control" but I didn't use over because I thought it would be an internal rhyme with "human nature." “the idea of someone making you “shine” has been tried before” True, it was done by me in my masterpiece "The World Raw." And lol, no, I'm no Broadway stan; the closest I've ever gotten to Broadway is Streisand singing Sondheim. Edited January 29, 2017 by Achilles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 11 minutes ago, Achilles. said: “Role” and “control” are rhymes Literally how the **** did I not notice this? I was really paying attention to that line, too. I was gonna use "take over" instead of "take control" but I didn't use over because I thought it would be an internal rhyme with "human nature." “the idea of someone making you “shine” has been tried before” True, it was done by me in my masterpiece "The World Raw." And lol, no, I'm no Broadway stan; the closest I've ever gotten to Broadway is Streisand singing Sondheim. Mess you really struck me as the type. Regardless, I meant it positively! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 I just twerked so hard my tooth fell out ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.png.5c069777b1ab1d704a32825806767213.png)
Recommended Posts