tournament PLATINUM HIT 11▴ congratulations aurora ♛

[Citrus]

also I scored like the first 5-6 songs so well and I was shook by how high my average was gonna be, then the rest of y'all took it back down to my normal one

[SaintWest]

57 minutes ago, Citrus said:

Brunch went late! 2:00 PM EST at the latest!

what do you mean it went late? how early did you start? finishing brunch at 2 is normal! 

[ultraviolence.xx]

3 minutes ago, Citrus said:

also I scored like the first 5-6 songs so well and I was shook by how high my average was gonna be, then the rest of y'all took it back down to my normal one

i’m double shaking

[Citrus]

6 minutes ago, SaintWest said:

what do you mean it went late? how early did you start? finishing brunch at 2 is normal! 

We went at 11am ish but there was a long late. I get up at 5-6 AM usually so 10-11 feels so late for me n

[ultraviolence.xx]

2 minutes ago, Citrus said:

I get up at 5-6 AM

[Citrus]

 

CitRuviews - All

 

 

@Gastrodonatella - Wait at this being a SLAY. Me shading you for not being my #1 ever and then hitting me with a song like this. It's more poetic than it is lyrical, but I love the progression of the song and its expression of a relatively simple idea in so many cute ways. This felt very figurative even though your imagery wasn't that strong, which means that you used your words well. I do think it could've built a little more, like some heightening so that the instances you cite get more intense as the song progresses. The portion after the middle 8 felt a little lackluster compared to the first half of the song.

 

@Hug - I love how adventurous you're being this season, it's so enjoyable to see where you take the prompts each week. I still think using weird words like favela as a central rhyme is ****, but at least it all made sense contextually. This was like a South American version of Cher's "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves" which should indicate what kind of score I gave you. You're giving us storyteller, honey, whether you think you can do it or not. One note on this though, your resolution is relatively unrefined and nondescript. In a story song where someone overcomes something, the process of overcoming is the selling point. You have a lot of set up of her situation, but not a lot explicating how she gets out of it - make sure not to gloss over that process.

 

@minho - You and Gastrodonatitty have similar songs here in that they're both very poetic about somewhat toxic or not equally invested relationships. Yours suffers from your atypical rhyme scheme because it feels much more like poetry than a song, and I had to think of people like Florence or Bjork in order to hear it as a song. That being said, beautiful imagery and turns of phrase. Just try to make sure there's a rhythm to these beautiful things you write, because, as is, a read of most of these lines ends with a stop because it doesn't flow the best. 

 

@SaintWest - I'm not super into this, partly because it feels like an English class where the assignment was to be inspired by Ed Sheeran songs. Your language is good, but cosmic imagery is always difficult because it has been done so many time before that you're working uphill to say something original. It's a good song and you didn't do badly, but it feels slightly generic given the topic and way you went about it. I'd encourage you (and everyone tbh) to brainstorm ideas, yeah, but also METHODS. Once you have your topic, brainstorm at least 3 ways that you could convey that topic before you start writing.

 

@ultraviolence.xx - This isn't the cleanest song you've submitted. Technically, it's probably one of your weakest of the game. BUT, this is the first time I've read one of your songs and cared. No offense to your others, but it has been a lot of really technically sound songs that don't have any emotion or sentiment behind them. This is the first time that I've felt that intangible connection - the idea of the unpurchased record being an indicator of the dude's thoughtfulness and whatnot is awesome. Of course, some parts are unneeded or detract (like him waiting months to ask you out? wtf), but, overall, this is a welcome shift for you and I'd love to see you refine this with an ear for sound and syllable. 

 

@Aurora - I didn't get the rap aspect until you mentioned it, but the flow is tight enough that I don't disagree with you. This was a more rambling entry from you, and specificity is the part of songs that tends to draw us in, so that was a bit of a boner killer. Still enjoyed this, and I'd be interested to see more of this style with hooks/choruses to see how you write the thesis of this kind of song.

 

@UFO - Girl you can't call it a hook and pretend it isn't a chorus. Smh @ you missing the whole point of this challenge. It's disappointing because the topic of addiction is perfect for a no chorus song, because then you could so easily do a linear structure as the addiction gets more encompassing and destructive. Start and end the song with paralleled structured couplets about some thing that they've lost/has changed due to alcohol (I always wanted to be a mother --> I don't want my daughter to watch me die). Ugh. It's a cute metaphor (if one that's been done a lot), but you just didn't do the challenge.

 

@Tsareena- I appreciated the effort but equating eating raw oysters with eating a girl out is anti feminist, delete. This felt like an elevated Speezy song, so props for using some cool language. I would like to see you step away from the watery stuff you seem fond of and head towards either a song with less direct imagery/allusions or one that utilizes a different topic. As for this specific song, it half passes the sex song test: If it's just about sex, it either has to be 1) Hilarious or 2) Really, spectacularly uniquely written. This isn't funny, and it's not written in the most original way, but it is nice to read at least.

 

@funnellegs - I think this is about falling in love with someone that you only know online, yah? If it is then I'm sorry I didn't reciprocate your feelings. It was a little too vague to get a clear storyline from, but you had some good lines interspersed here and there. The suicide being a ticket out of town is too heavy handed, as pretty much any direct, non-dressed up mention of suicide tends to be. Try to think of your end goal. If it's to tell a story, I want you to remove each verse and read it on its own - does that verse give you information that helps illuminate the story? Knowing that your topic is X, each verse by itself should still bring that end topic X to mind.

 

@MattyTacos - All tea all shade this story is a bit much to convey in the song. It's hard to balance the grieving widow narrative with involuntary commitment to an asylum, and you definitely needed more space to expand that idea. Like maybe Verse 1 is soldier love/going to war, Verse 2 is death, Verse 3 is her being a recluse and whatnot, and verse 4/bridge go into her being the town crazy and not finding love again now that she's been committed. Idk. And you're probably confused because you have like 6 verses, but each one is only two couplets so you definitely needed to expand them to get all of the detail you want in there. 

 

@keshaspearsxo - First off, I don't know how you thought it was at all a good idea to submit a vulgar sex song as your introduction to a no chorus round, but okay. It felt vulgar and contrarian just for the sake of it. The overuse of random and irrelevant BSDM moments was annoying and unneeded. It is evident by the writing skills that you showed here, that you are capable of actually writing a good song - but this just isn't. You wasted what was possibly a great opportunity to write something completely representative of your skill and say anything you wanted to say, but instead you decided to write this. The no chorus challenge is your chance to show yourself, not to write a slut song. And, if this is really what you want your style to be, then thats cool to, but it's not for me and I can't understand why you'd wanna waste your talent or something like this. (cute little song but the lines with pervert, the quitting line, and the last half of the last stanza about remembering him are all clunky and not as rhythmic as I'd want from a sex song. Company in sin is great, love that. Sex songs needs to flow with the punch of dick into flesh, so give me more of that and less of the awkwardly phrased/length lines).

 

@mxtthewdelrey - I'm not sure what purpose the "bitter/better after dark" play on words was supposed to serve, but it's a cute little moment regardless. I think this song was blunt, which generally works for pieces about heavier topics like abuse. I do wish there was a bit more self reflection on the narrator's part, though I know that isn't always accurate to the situation. You conveyed a story without a chorus and that was the challenge, so good there. It just didn't connect to me as much because the narrator feels like a conduit for pain but there's not really an avenue through which an unaffiliated reader can feel his pain.

 

@Nait Phoenix - This is sorta like Gastro's song but it doesn't feel focused. What were you trying to say with this? There doesn't seem to be a simple, coherent message to it. In that way, it's sorta like the Empty Sky song I wrote in PH9 in that it's nice and pretty but there's not really an oomph because I don't get what you're going for. Especially with questions chock full of questions, you need to give us leading questions and not these broad ones that don't reveal any details.

 

@Covergirl - N the way this was flowing so so well and I was LIVING before that dumb ****ing unicorn/p0rn couplet. What the **** girl. Tell Fefe to proofread the WHOLE song, she did you wrong there. Really like the simplicity of "the smokes comes out my mouth", it served a nice bookend to your verses and still gave us a bit of a check in with each development. Your biggest issue tends to be your habit to deviate too much. You'll write a cute song but then throw it off the rails with a weird/non fitting reference or allusion. This was pretty great aside from the aforementioned thing, so just pay attention to consistency in tone, attitude, types of references and details, etc.

 

@KatyCatPH - Jackson doesn't live in Cardiff, so points off for not being accurate. It's smart to have a repeating line or motif in a no chorus song so that the reader has some continuity to cling to. That being said, having it every 4 or 5 lines is definitely too much because we don't get a huge amount of development between the repetitions. So it turns into Detail detail REPEAT detail REPEAT and we don't get a sense for the narrator's progression. There were also some unneeded words (internal strife is redundant in this case, we know that the narrator's strife is internal because the previous line mentioned he felt bad for having an affair).

 

@Speezy- This isn't as strong technically as your past songs but it isn't about boning so I'm giving it a boost to encourage you to stop writing about dicks using 1001 metaphors. I liked the natural disaster imagery, but each allusion only lasted for a line or two so it felt pretty scattered. Try to keep your references/external-to-song descriptors within one or two worlds, or at least in a category narrow enough that all the pieces of the puzzle, disparate as they may be IRL, can feel like they still contribute to the same picture. 

[ultraviolence.xx]

1 minute ago, Citrus said:

CitRuviews

shookp

[mxtthewdelrey]

Thanks Citrus! Glad you liked some of my ideas

[ultraviolence.xx]

4 minutes ago, Citrus said:

because it feels like an English class where the assignment was to be inspired by Ed Sheeran songs

 

 

5 minutes ago, Citrus said:

This is the first time that I've felt that intangible connection

ok SLAY i love this. thanks girl! 

[Citrus]

lemme do hints too!

[UFO]

11 minutes ago, Citrus said:

@UFO - Girl you can't call it a hook and pretend it isn't a chorus. Smh @ you missing the whole point of this challenge. It's disappointing because the topic of addiction is perfect for a no chorus song, because then you could so easily do a linear structure as the addiction gets more encompassing and destructive. Start and end the song with paralleled structured couplets about some thing that they've lost/has changed due to alcohol (I always wanted to be a mother --> I don't want my daughter to watch me die). Ugh. It's a cute metaphor (if one that's been done a lot), but you just didn't do the challenge.

NNnnnnnn I'm screaming      I can't believe I ****ed up this bad. I definitely agree that it was a missed opportunity, especially since my theme was addiction    ajkfhasjkfhasjk oh well! it's too late now    

Edited September 24, 2017 by UFO

[ultraviolence.xx]

3 minutes ago, Citrus said:

lemme do hints too!

are you going to use pokemon as well  

[touya kinomoto]

9 minutes ago, Citrus said:

 

CitRuviews - All

 

@KatyCatPH - Jackson doesn't live in Cardiff, so points off for not being accurate. It's smart to have a repeating line or motif in a no chorus song so that the reader has some continuity to cling to. That being said, having it every 4 or 5 lines is definitely too much because we don't get a huge amount of development between the repetitions. So it turns into Detail detail REPEAT detail REPEAT and we don't get a sense for the narrator's progression. There were also some unneeded words (internal strife is redundant in this case, we know that the narrator's strife is internal because the previous line mentioned he felt bad for having an affair).

As much as I love @Jackson, my love for him cannot equate to how I feel for Cardiff love so he's not the one I am referencing here. 

 

I get your point of repeating it too much but I am not really sure how to tie up a song without repeating that line. I also get those words. I even told @Aurora about that AFTER I sent my song which is stupid actually. 

[UFO]

Welp looking on the bright side, at least my song this week itself wasn't bad     ....... I just didn't do the challenge correctly ajlfahsfj     a reverse songwriting experience. I don't mind if I get a bad score this week because it's true, I didn't do the challenge properly ffffff    I just hope that I don't get too many points taken off, because the lyrics & concept are actually cute   nnnnnn I'm still kii'ing at me submitting thinking "yas my song slays there's no chorus or anything I slayed that ****ing **** the judges will be SHOOK at my structure" even though I repeated the hook & bridge like 2781648174 times. I thought I was so avant-garde and innovative, I actually can't with myself sometimes     

[Citrus]

Just now, UFO said:

Welp looking on the bright side, at least my song this week itself wasn't bad     ....... I just didn't do the challenge correctly ajlfahsfj     a reverse songwriting experience. I don't mind if I get a bad score this week because it's true, I didn't do the challenge properly ffffff    I just hope that I don't get too many points taken off, because the lyrics & concept are actually cute   nnnnnn I'm still kii'ing at me submitting thinking "yas my song slays there's no chorus or anything I slayed that ****ing **** the judges will be SHOOK at my structure" even though I repeated the hook & bridge like 2781648174 times. I thought I was so avant-garde and innovative, I actually can't with myself sometimes     

if it's any consolation, I don't think the other judges really alter scores based on fitting the challenge. I know Jackson doesn't. 

[UFO]

whew thank **** there aren't any eliminations until R7 

[UFO]

Just now, Citrus said:

if it's any consolation, I don't think the other judges really alter scores based on fitting the challenge. I know Jackson doesn't. 

Thank GOD         cause I would've been DISQUALIFIED NNn   

[funnellegs]

@Citrus It actually wasn't about an online relationship but I get why you'd think that. 

My decay nnn 

[ceremonials]

mess why wouldnt you take the challenge into account in your score  what

 

I think the song itself is more important, tho. The criteria definitely has less weight

[Citrus]

2 minutes ago, funnellegs said:

@Citrus It actually wasn't about an online relationship but I get why you'd think that. 

My decay nnn 

n can you explain it to me then bby?

[touya kinomoto]

Austin's here! We'll get reviews soon.

 

[UFO]

Quote

PH11 • Round 5 • Blink

Mess I forgot to edit the title in my PM to Jackson  I just realised now ajdhsajdl why am I so unorganised this week   I usually have my **** together when it comes to things like this cause ~aesthetic~

[ceremonials]

2 minutes ago, KatyCatPH said:

Austin's here! We'll get reviews soon.

 

yes in an hour or so~

[UFO]

8 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

what about cryptids  

 

3 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

right  

 

1 minute ago, Gastrodonatella said:

 

Nnnn sis STAHP  

[UFO]

1 minute ago, Gastrodonatella said:

only one of those had to do with you and it was more of a broad statement that you happened to fall under than an actual subtweet @ u

I don't really care either way but ok     akfaksjfha