tournament PLATINUM HIT 11▴ congratulations aurora ♛

[ceremonials]

no one replying

 

[funnellegs]

Thank you @ceremonials 

 

im realllly trying to refine my entries more before submitting and I'm glad that's showing in the songs. 

[touya kinomoto]

Where's my review @ceremonials?

[Aurora]

I was not expecting a review like that.  I'm kinda shocked that it translated so well, thanks @ceremonials!

[Aurora]

may or may not be online during results depending on their time of partaking and my sleep cycle but good luck @everyone  I can't believe we're about to lose a chunk of the fam

[Hiatus]

Thank you for the review 

 

 

[UFO]

Nnnnn I submitted, did you get it ?  @Jackson

[Jackson]

14 minutes ago, UFO said:

Nnnnn I submitted, did you get it ?  @Jackson

yes I just haven't added you and KatyCatPH to the google doc yet lolol doing now

[UFO]

11 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

i don't think you're the only person with that problem this round actually  

Wait, really?  

 

1 minute ago, Jackson said:

yes I just haven't added you and KatyCatPH to the google doc yet lolol doing now

Nnnnn okay! thank you  

Edited September 17, 2017 by UFO

[Jackson]

Doing reviews soon btw

 

Citrus said he'd do his around noon

 

No idea where moon is

[UFO]

7 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

fffffff  

[Citrus]

My reviews will be posted by or at 1:00 PM EST. You girls actually kinda did that this round.

 

[MattyTacos]

7 hours ago, ceremonials said:

 

@MattyTacos, “Ancient Foreplay”

 

Okay, this was cute. The title wasn’t, and I don’t like how it was used in the chorus. It was just really awkward and stood out like a sore thumb. I thought this was an interesting way to tackle the challenge, though it was a pretty open challenge. Still, it felt like a change of pace for you even though it was still a love song at heart. I don’t actually have much to say about this, but I think it was one of your more polished entries, and it was definitely more interesting than your average MattyTacos song. The title and some of the lines remain a bit awkward, but I still appreciate the ambition behind them.

 

“In a mass of whirlpools uniting / We’re a law the universe is biding”

 

 

Yeah, I kinda took more time to clean up the entry than compared to the other ones so it's really nice to see that paid off well as well as a different kind of song you'd expect from me. Thank you

[MattyTacos]

21 minutes ago, Jackson said:

yes I just haven't added you and KatyCatPH to the google doc yet lolol doing now

don't you forget about me plays in the background as i stand in the rain crying

[Speezy]

7 hours ago, ceremonials said:

 

@Speezy, “Rain Drops From A Palm Tree”

 

Um, this phone sex bop. A pioneer. This was actually written...pretty well? Like your songs are usually kinda unpolished but this one was surprisingly (and ironically) clean. There were still a handful of forced rhymes - mainly phone/moans and day/play, but some of the lines in the chorus as well. As well, there’s some awkward lines here and there. But for as ambitious and risky (or should i say risque) as it was at this point in the game, most of it works quite well. And sex songs are especially hard to pull off, so props on that. This was definitely more polished than the average Speezy banger, and it’s interesting to see what effect that has on your ambitious and risque concepts.

“I want an image in my head of you and I under the sheets / With your legs crossed around me, can I just hear you breathe?”

 thank you. I mean I used to love writing inspirational songs but they didn't score well. But I found me, a me that works  . Hopefully next season I can work towards a Top 10

[Jackson]

1 hour ago, MattyTacos said:

don't you forget about me plays in the background as i stand in the rain crying

you're already there and i scored you for last round i just didnt feel like reviewing xo

[Citrus]

 

CitRuviews - All

 

 

@Hug - Oooooh girl! I love me a story, and you told a tale. This captured your gemstone very well, and you took us on a narrative journey to the end. There seemed to be a slight inconsistency in what you chose to rhyme/not rhyme, but I don't care because this is highkey a Dolly song. Heaven's Mirror is a dumb title tho! Swimming Hole woulda made my country heart sing.

 

@minho - You're just doing THAT for me the last couple rounds. This reads like a MUNA song, which is about the highest compliment I can give to something pop esque. I'm normally harder to please without rhyming, but this had such a wonderful, nearly ethereal flow to it. I was out late last night for a show and I had to walk along a lit suspension bridge from my city. Seeing the colors of the buildings and the bridge against the river was gorgeous and I remember feeling wonderfully insignificant - your song spoke to that experience of mine, and that's kinda what songwriting is all about. 

 

@ultraviolence.xx - "Love is not enough sometimes / Without a spark the flame will die" doesn't make a whole lot of sense because the love is not enough implies they have love but there's an external factor causing the split. Your flow of language and rhyming continues to be some of the best in the game, and that really helps when your song is otherwise a rather tread subject. Do something kooky and out there girl (love your meter etc but I'm tired of "I loved and lost and learned a lot" from everyone). Great technical skill, just try to come up with some more original concepts. Ask me for clarification if needed.

 

@Nait Phoenix - This is a cute little lullaby type thing. The flower metaphor seemed a bit heavy handed and pre-school esque, but I'm okay with it because the song has such a lovely air of affection to it. I do think it suffers from length and lack of specificity because, as I said, this is more of a lullaby than a specific song for a particular moment or individual. 

 

@funnellegs - Definitely falls into the poetry category more than the song one. I like your language and love me a good AAAA rhyme structure but a lot of the 3rd and 4th ones felt stilted and weak, particularly the win/sin stanza. Conceptually strong even without detail to make this song connect more, but try to add those nuances that can make us better relate to the narrator.

 

@Gastrodonatella - Love. Normally imagery laden **** bores me but you gave us a stock character narrator with just enough vagueness for the reader to project themselves onto. Still would like a little more detail about the past but that wasn't the point of this song. Keep up the good work henny.

 

@Tsareena - I enjoyed the idea of a song describing the myriad hues of water and light coming together, but it falls short on the relevance scale. Not because you need to make it like, pop culture-y or anything, but because, as a reader, there's not much to connect to. It's pretty and gives us some personification of natural processes but so does poetry - songwriting needs to connect to its audience and take them with it, allowing them to feel their own emotions as they listen. You need to capture that.

 

@Covergirl - Honey please read your entry to catch things like "thorns" being written as "thrones", and never use a heart emoji as a line break ever again. Aside from the fact this is a lesser Hunt You Down, I wanna talk about the forced rhymes (dictated/created). Simple/exact rhymes are almost always harder to make sound natural because human beings don't usually speak that way - slant rhmyes are your friends for those harder to match phrases.

 

@mxtthewdelrey - I think this could've been great if you had been a little more specific. It's hard to connect to the narrator's struggles when we don't know what they are. Using 'Amethyst' in each verse was a little extra, and there are some more choice lines (diet/quiet). However, there's a glimmer in the final line of the chorus with the line "I think I'm making progress". That idea is so beautiful and relatable to everyone who has ever struggled with an addiction or problematic behavior. I wish you had really centered the song around that line more, because I love every bit of it.

 

@MattyTacos- Love the necklace casualty line, even though it's ****ing weird. This actually serves a Dylobs tea a bit with the kinda tryhard language. Good allusions and references, but the key problem here is the fact that the chorus is not very good. It's way too clunky and awkward with the long phrases like "casual take on ancient foreplay" and "love's crafted poetry". It doesn't flow so every time the verse ends the song just kinda feels like it stops.

 

@Glassmouth- I screamed at the parenthetical title, slay. This has the opposite problem of almost everyone else in that you have strong emotional connection that makes the reader care, but this song is lacking in some of the technical finesse to make it smoother. While the haphazard style does make it read like a confessional, we need some clarity. You can't get the full story from someone crying about their ex right after the breakup - we want the week later, lessons learned dude to tell us how it was. He's easier to understand.

 

@Aurora - Jesus, take your heels off these other girls' necks. Your meter and flow is great, your concept is amazing and unique as always, and there were only two lines that didn't feel great to me (transcendental dance/iridescence), so I'm more than satisfied. Of course, it's a lot clearer with explanation but I read those so slay. GG M8.

 

@PoKiTaurus- The paychecks and breath line is a slay, love. You had a good storyline and I like the idea of the narrator drawing the line at physical abuse. Here you just need to tighten up your technical skills. Syllable counts, consistent rhyme structure, etc. Work on those technical things so that, when you have a good story, it isn't overshadowed by fixable problems.

 

@keshaspearsxo- The "A protective ring gifted by my grandmother" couplet is FAT. I actually really enjoyed the rest, and I certainly felt more flow and rhythm than I did in your prior entry. It didn't feel poetry to me, I was like "This is a songT" and that's progress so keep it up henny.

 

@Speezy - Sex songs are one of the types that need a lil extra. Because you're, at best, describing a singular sexual experience, you need some strong figurative language to keep it from becoming "I put my dick in her vagina and we ****ed real good" because that's all the plot there is to a lot of sex songs. You had a nice twist with the sexting I guess, but this felt very standard and uninspired. 

 

@SaintWest - It's hard for most girls to write a song with a plot, let alone in such a short time span. Some awkward phrasing here and there but nothing I can say that'll make you improve on that front. I do think the bridge wasn't the best place to end it if you were going for a conclusive realization that the love isn't good for you, but it's not awful.

 

@KatyCatPH- I really hope you aren't eliminated this round, because your progress is easily the biggest in this season thus far. I love the idea and the riskier phrasings that, for some reason, seem to work. The white flag line is dumb and didn't need to be repeated. I like the hook because it actually came across as one in the song, which they normally don't for me. I definitely wish you'd had time to have someone read and catch minor mistakes (or you just reading more critically). Like the pallet line could've been rephrased as "To paint some color onto my world". Good luck.

 

@UFO - I'm proud of you for not including a description. The fun, enigmatic "blink" at the end of each chorus was cute and added a nice punch. Didn't quite get 100% storyline from this because I didn't know what exactly was going on, so maybe try to attach more of a person to your songs as a narrator versus the omniscient being you usually do. 

[Citrus]

also gave my first 10 of the season this round (also only my second 10 ever xo)

[Hug]

10 minutes ago, Citrus said:

@Hug - Oooooh girl! I love me a story, and you told a tale. This captured your gemstone very well, and you took us on a narrative journey to the end. There seemed to be a slight inconsistency in what you chose to rhyme/not rhyme, but I don't care because this is highkey a Dolly song. Heaven's Mirror is a dumb title tho! Swimming Hole woulda made my country heart sing.

My slant rhymes are really getting too brave huh? TBH idek what to do about it because they make sense to me hgfuio but thank you for saying it was like a dolly song because she's the queen of story-telling  Also coming from someone who was the definition of a story teller in season 9, it actually means a lot to me because I'm not very confident in my ability to tell stories through song juyhgrfd thank you for your review.  

 

--

 

Based off the reviews, either Aurora, minho, or I got the 10, and would probably guess Aurora or minho before me, but we will see...maybe  

[Citrus]

4 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

good for you, @Aurora!

nope

[ultraviolence.xx]

9 minutes ago, Citrus said:

You're just doing THAT for me the last couple rounds. This reads like a MUNA song

@minho sis i need this song in my inbox NOW!

[Denim]

Mess I got dragged hard

[Hug]

TBH I hope @minho doesn't listen to cere and write in the more typical PH format because I find their style to be so unique and pleasant f.  

[UFO]

21 minutes ago, Citrus said:

@UFO - I'm proud of you for not including a description. The fun, enigmatic "blink" at the end of each chorus was cute and added a nice punch. Didn't quite get 100% storyline from this because I didn't know what exactly was going on, so maybe try to attach more of a person to your songs as a narrator versus the omniscient being you usually do. 

yaaas I'm glad you liked that "blink" at the end of the chorus, I did it in my song Blackout too where I added "blackout" at the start and end of each chorus and it was pretty effective so I thought I would use that technique again in this song! The chorus starts with a "blink" and ends with a "blink" and I really liked how it emphasises the desperation/urgency of the song. It's as if everything in the chorus is contained between those two blinks.

 

My idea was:

 

Verse 1 = reality

Pre-chorus = transition to dreams and colours

BLINK

Chorus = gradually waking up and losing the colours

BLINK

Verse 2 = back to reality

Pre-chorus = transition to dreams and colours

BLINK

Chorus = gradually waking up and losing the colours

BLINK

Bridge = realisation and "acceptance" of reality

BLINK

Chorus = gradually waking up and losing the colours

BLINK

end = back to reality

 

that was my structure or "storyboard" for my song    although I do wish I emphasised the "blink" aspect more and how everything can be lost "in a blink"

 

I agree that the storyline wasn't 100% clear   I still need to work on how to execute my songs in a succinct yet fleshed out way with vivid imagery yet not too abstract yet not too basic with a clear enough storyline but not too obvious ..... nnnnnnn I just need to find that BALANCE.

 

I also DEFINITELY agree with what you said about characterising my songs with more of my own personality. I tend to write songs from a vague perspective. All the songs I write are very personal to me in terms of their meaning but when it comes to the lyrical content, I'm pretty vague. Storytelling is one of my strengths so maybe I'll try to incorporate more storytelling and specific details in future songs! I haven't really incorporated much storytelling so far this season, at least not to the level that I have done in past seasons. Anyway thank you   my song this week was very rushed and it was difficult for me to focus due to a lot of personal ****   but I'm proud of what I came up with despite that!     I don't think I did too bad considering my situation and also I definitely made my song shorter this week nnnnnn so that's always an improvement!    before I wrote this song I promised myself I wouldn't make it too long so I'm glad I resisted and didn't try to write more even though I really wanted to          ajkfasjkfhajk

 

Edited September 17, 2017 by UFO

[ultraviolence.xx]

18 minutes ago, Citrus said:

love your meter etc but I'm tired of "I loved and lost and learned a lot" from everyone

not this literally being my song nnn. thank you, sis! my concepTs so far have been rather stale so i'll try to come up with something fresher next round if i'm not booted. i think what's happening and part of the problem is i usually write the first concept i come up with rather than letting it sit for a little while and coming up with something fresher.