ultraviolence.xx Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Just now, SaintWest said: pray i get through this sickness first bb x i'll pray for you to get through this sickness first bb and then to get your #1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator feelslikeadream Posted October 22, 2017 ATRL Moderator Share Posted October 22, 2017 (edited) FEFE'S REVIEWS Hug: Wow, stan for Mariah’s #1 LIVE single, not everybody has that. Anyway, you (mostly) managed to avoid the song sounding TOO simplistic with all the monosyllabic words. That’s less true of the chorus (refrain?), which feels a little simplistic and also lacks the level of lyricism I expect at this stage of the game. I wish you had something rhyme (or slant rhyme) with “down” instead of repeating it twice. The rest of the song works alright, but it doesn’t do anything too special. The problems the person experiences (substance abuse, parental issues) are fairly common and you don’t tackle them in a unique way or via unique language. The only move towards some elevated lyricism is the line about “waking” with the sun, which I don’t particularly like. Also, wait: does “claim your wings” mean commit suicide? I guess the “think of me” there implies that they should think of you and then NOT do it, but it’s ambiguous, like you want to be thought of as they’re dying which is v creepy (but more original!). Tsareena: Wow, you really went there. On the one hand, I admire that you managed to write a song with a very specific conceit while writing for one of the more restrictive rounds of the game. On the other hand, I’m not floored by the execution, which comes across as rather juvenile at times and unfortunately uses an original-ish conceit to describe an unoriginal situation (breaking up with a loser). Some of the uses of the letters were reaches, like “S-scape” and “M-barrass.” Some felt more natural or even inventive; “Worth more than W” made me smile tbh. Reading a song with a more light-hearted/sassy tone is a nice change of pace, so I did appreciate that. You low-key didn’t exactly follow the no rhyme rule since the 2nd verse has an ABAB slant rhyme scheme (inside/apologize & J’s/K), but I’m sure it was accidental, so it’s OK. Sam: This song featured your typical lyricism, but it gave me MattyTacos teas at times in that sometimes the word choice was awkward and the syntax was a little tortured, which isn't usually the case with you. There were some oddly-structured phrases like “set alight the trees” and “won’t stay sustained” that disrupted the nice flow you had going. I like the opening stanzas about the California wildfire—there’s some really nice imagery there, like the blackened leaves and the scent of the melted peaches. I don’t think the middle section of the song is as strong; the images are more familiar and it had the most technical problems for me. However, I think the latter half of the song is strong, and I especially like the movement to nighttime and the shift in tone that comes with it. Also, not to nitpick, but saying that the lines have a structured word count doesn’t mean the rhythm is perfect: for example, “daffodil,” with it’s three syllables and initial stress feels out of place in that line. (That’s also my least fave stanza.) mxtthewdelrey: This song needs a chorus, even a simple refrain. I liked some of the ideas you worked with and the conceit about the lover dying as betrayal (the mood reminded me of Banks), though the technical execution wasn’t always there. For example, hiding the honey is cool, but “under my tongue” is enough; we know that your tongue is in your mouth. In a song of only 200 words, I expect each word to be essential. There were also several moments where the rhythm was lost on me, like the Mother Earth line (speaking of which, the word choice “toe” feels a bit odd there in its smallness compared to the gravity/violence of the situation). Because the lines/verses felt rather unstructured (which I partly assume to be a side effect of not being able to rhyme), this ultimately reads more like a poetic diary entry than a song; it’s kind of difficult to imagine this being sung to music. I really like the theme though and think this is one of the more original entries of the week, which I always appreciate. MattyTacos: Bitch, I clocked you for ripping off P!nk last week and here you are quoting Lorde in your chorus (“I stumbled on a secret power”). Remember how in your first season you stole Taylor lyrics for every song? Well I thought we were beyond that, but I guess not. Anyway, this begins in a somewhat straightforward narrative mode and then instantly switches to imagery-heavy symbolic language, a transition I found a bit jarring. In other words, in the first verse the speaker is going out to the forest but then the song becomes a reflection about a (bad?) relationship in the second verse, and then the bridge presents positive images of growth and renewal. The present-tense narrative that begins the song is gone and never returns. There’s a lot going on here, but the storytelling gets a bit lost in the language, which appears complex at times but is mostly confusing. For example, “Arrows shot illuminates your absence” doesn’t quite work; do you mean “illuminate” (as in the arrows illuminate)? Is this supposed to refer to the sunlight through the window? If so, how does that illuminate a person’s absence? You often use this type of vague, imagistic language at the expense of clarity and sense, so I would really like you to try to be as clear as possible next round. I like the end of the second verse a lot. Very pretty. SaintWest: I’m a little bummed that my first thought was “two fists” is redundant, and then it was repeated five times nnnn. Anyway, while I don’t love that specific line, I do like the way that its repetition calls our attention to the person’s arms; keeping that image central to the song gives us an anchoring point and allows you to expand on the history of the ‘trail’ in a way that I think works well from a structural standpoint. (The last two stanzas don’t quite build off the arms imagery in the same way as the first three, but I guess I didn’t mind that much since I had an image of the person by this point.) I liked the starry stanza until the end; as some PHers know, I hate “shall” and other archaic language that feels out of place in a song, as it does here. It’s also an odd moment in that it’s the first clear introduction of a romantic narrative, which feels like it comes into the song somewhat late. (I assumed it was just about a friend). Because the rhyming gets a bit dicey at times (young/them isn’t even a slant rhyme), I kind of wish you used the restriction to not rhyme, which I think would have actually worked well with this song. Ultraviolence: Maybe it’s cause I’ve been listening to Glasshouse so much, but I feel like I can hear JW singing this (maybe to the instrumental of Selfish Love). The theme of this song is fairly familiar (and didn’t Niko do a song with cutting strings imagery this season?), as is the language. I like the movement from palms to arms between verses, but for the most part, there’s not much here to sink your teeth into; while you needed to use only monosyllabic words, there are a LOT of monosyllabic words that we haven’t seen in a million torch songs already. The post-chorus can go. My favorite part was the outro, which also used simplistic language but felt more emotional and specific than the vague language about rain/sun, yes/no, etc. from the verses. The indecision between pulling the person close or letting them go felt more honest and real to me. Edited October 22, 2017 by feelslikeadream Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultraviolence.xx Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 3 minutes ago, feelslikeadream said: Maybe it’s cause I’ve been listening to Glasshouse so much same Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 starting reviews now x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaintWest Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 4 minutes ago, ceremonials said: starting reviews now x they better be coming tonight considering there's only about 3 of them x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 4 minutes ago, feelslikeadream said: FEFE'S REVIEWS Hug: Wow, stan for Mariah’s #1 LIVE single, not everybody has that. Anyway, you (mostly) managed to avoid the song sounding TOO simplistic with all the monosyllabic words. That’s less true of the chorus (refrain?), which feels a little simplistic and also lacks the level of lyricism I expect at this stage of the game. I wish you had something rhyme (or slant rhyme) with “down” instead of repeating it twice. The rest of the song works alright, but it doesn’t do anything too special. The problems the person experiences (substance abuse, parental issues) are fairly common and you don’t tackle them in a unique way or via unique language. The only move towards some elevated lyricism is the line about “waking” with the sun, which I don’t particularly like. Also, wait: does “claim your wings” mean commit suicide? I guess the “think of me” there implies that they should think of you and then NOT do it, but it’s ambiguous, like you want to be thought of as they’re dying which is v creepy (but more original!). Tsareena: Wow, you really went there. On the one hand, I admire that you managed to write a song with a very specific conceit while writing for one of the more restrictive rounds of the game. On the other hand, I’m not floored by the execution, which comes across as rather juvenile at times and unfortunately uses an original-ish conceit to describe an unoriginal situation (breaking up with a loser). Some of the uses of the letters were reaches, like “S-scape” and “M-barrass.” Some felt more natural or even inventive; “Worth more than W” made me smile tbh. Reading a song with a more light-hearted/sassy tone is a nice change of pace, so I did appreciate that. You low-key didn’t exactly follow the no rhyme rule since the 2nd verse has an ABAB slant rhyme scheme (inside/apologize & J’s/K), but I’m sure it was accidental, so it’s OK. Sam: I don’t like the coloring. It gave me gay vibes. mxtthewdelrey: This song needs a chorus, even a simple refrain. I liked some of the ideas you worked with and the conceit about the lover dying as betrayal (the mood reminded me of Banks), though the technical execution wasn’t always there. For example, hiding the honey is cool, but “under my tongue” is enough; we know that your tongue is in your mouth. In a song of only 200 words, I expect each word to be essential. There were also several moments where the rhythm was lost on me, like the Mother Earth line (speaking of which, the word choice “toe” feels a bit odd there in its smallness compared to the gravity/violence of the situation). Because the lines/verses felt rather unstructured (which I partly assume to be a side effect of not being able to rhyme), this ultimately reads more like a poetic diary entry than a song; it’s kind of difficult to imagine this being sung to music. I really like the theme though and think this is one of the more original entries of the week, which I always appreciate. MattyTacos: Bitch, I clocked you for ripping off P!nk last week and here you are quoting Lorde in your chorus (“I stumbled on a secret power”). Remember how in your first season you stole Taylor lyrics for every song? Well I thought we were beyond that, but I guess not. Anyway, this begins in a somewhat straightforward narrative mode and then instantly switches to imagery-heavy symbolic language, a transition I found a bit jarring. In other words, in the first verse the speaker is going out to the forest but then the song becomes a reflection about a (bad?) relationship in the second verse, and then the bridge presents positive images of growth and renewal. The present-tense narrative that begins the song is gone and never returns. There’s a lot going on here, but the storytelling gets a bit lost in the language, which appears complex at times but is mostly confusing. For example, “Arrows shot illuminates your absence” doesn’t quite work; do you mean “illuminate” (as in the arrows illuminate)? Is this supposed to refer to the sunlight through the window? If so, how does that illuminate a person’s absence? You often use this type of vague, imagistic language at the expense of clarity and sense, so I would really like you to try to be as clear as possible next round. I like the end of the second verse a lot. Very pretty. SaintWest: I’m a little bummed that my first thought was “two fists” is redundant, and then it was repeated five times nnnn. Anyway, while I don’t love that specific line, I do like the way that its repetition calls our attention to the person’s arms; keeping that image central to the song gives us an anchoring point and allows you to expand on the history of the ‘trail’ in a way that I think works well from a structural standpoint. (The last two stanzas don’t quite build off the arms imagery in the same way as the first three, but I guess I didn’t mind that much since I had an image of the person by this point.) I liked the starry stanza until the end; as some PHers know, I hate “shall” and other archaic language that feels out of place in a song, as it does here. It’s also an odd moment in that it’s the first clear introduction of a romantic narrative, which feels like it comes into the song somewhat late. (I assumed it was just about a friend). Because the rhyming gets a bit dicey at times (young/them isn’t even a slant rhyme), I kind of wish you used the restriction to not rhyme, which I think would have actually worked well with this song. Ultraviolence: Maybe it’s cause I’ve been listening to Glasshouse so much, but I feel like I can hear JW singing this (maybe to the instrumental of Selfish Love). The theme of this song is fairly familiar (and didn’t Niko do a song with cutting strings imagery this season?), as is the language. I like the movement from palms to arms between verses, but for the most part, there’s not much here to sink your teeth into; while you needed to use only monosyllabic words, there are a LOT of monosyllabic words that we haven’t seen in a million torch songs already. The post-chorus can go. My favorite part was the outro, which also used simplistic language but felt more emotional and specific than the vague language about rain/sun, yes/no, etc. from the verses. The indecision between pulling the person close or letting them go felt more honest and real to me. bitch @ them @Hug @Tsareena @MattyTacos @mxtthewdelrey @SaintWest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator feelslikeadream Posted October 22, 2017 ATRL Moderator Share Posted October 22, 2017 2 minutes ago, ceremonials said: bitch @ them @Hug @Tsareena @MattyTacos @mxtthewdelrey @SaintWest bitch @ my inbox with your nudes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultraviolence.xx Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 but thank you @feelslikeadream i agree, not mega substantive, but i did something at least Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaintWest Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 (edited) thanks for the review 9 minutes ago, ceremonials said: It’s also an odd moment in that it’s the first clear introduction of a romantic narrative, which feels like it comes into the song somewhat late. this was kind of the point considering these kinds of unhealthy relationships often time deal with a period where the fractals of love are used as an excuse. having too many lovey dovey moments throughout imho would make the song confusing. that's why i started off with the facts, and then mentioned that love was still there, and hinted at the hope that with time and work, the relationship would get better. oh and ps, i didn't put a disclaimer in the song on purpose because well @feelslikeadream Edited October 22, 2017 by SaintWest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaintWest Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 my guesses @feelslikeadream 1. Sam 2. Tsareena 3. mxtthew 4. Saint 5. Uvie 6. Hug 7. Matty the bottom half is up for negotiations x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultraviolence.xx Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 3 minutes ago, SaintWest said: my guesses @feelslikeadream 1. Sam 2. Tsareena 3. mxtthew 4. Saint 5. Uvie 6. Hug 7. Matty the bottom half is up for negotiations x i love when you’re on top of me x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator feelslikeadream Posted October 22, 2017 ATRL Moderator Share Posted October 22, 2017 3 minutes ago, SaintWest said: my guesses @feelslikeadream 1. Sam 2. Tsareena 3. mxtthew 4. Saint 5. Uvie 6. Hug 7. Matty the bottom half is up for negotiations x Very wrong Off to bed now, but maybe I'll do hints tomorrow? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Well it's to be expected. I don't do well when faced with any form of challenge. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 30 minutes ago, feelslikeadream said: Sam: I don’t like the coloring. It gave me gay vibes. 10 minutes ago, feelslikeadream said: Very wrong Off to bed now, but maybe I'll do hints tomorrow? I'm assuming this means I'm last? If you don't mind, I would like to know what parts were the worst so I know what I can work on moving forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultraviolence.xx Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 1 minute ago, Aurora said: I'm assuming this means I'm last? If you don't mind, I would like to know what parts were the worst so I know what I can work on moving forward. oh bitch, if ha only criticism was your color scheme, you are NOT last Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator feelslikeadream Posted October 22, 2017 ATRL Moderator Share Posted October 22, 2017 11 minutes ago, Aurora said: I'm assuming this means I'm last? If you don't mind, I would like to know what parts were the worst so I know what I can work on moving forward. Lol the drama. I told you the worst part was the color scheme. but I added some more detail to the review Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 5 minutes ago, feelslikeadream said: Lol the drama. I told you the worst part was the color scheme. Hide contents but I added some more detail to the review I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be dramatic… I like getting reviews and try to take everything on board, that's all. Thanks for the updated review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaintWest Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 14 minutes ago, feelslikeadream said: Lol the drama. I told you the worst part was the color scheme. Reveal hidden contents but I added some more detail to the review how kind of you that you did your job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator feelslikeadream Posted October 22, 2017 ATRL Moderator Share Posted October 22, 2017 12 minutes ago, Aurora said: I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be dramatic… I like getting reviews and try to take everything on board, that's all. Thanks for the updated review. No problem Hope it's useful 4 minutes ago, SaintWest said: how kind of you that you did your job! I had it done first. I just decided to troll Sam cause itswhatshedeserves.gif Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 @Hug, "I'll Be There" This was cute, albeit somewhat simple. In most songs, being simple and straight forward is a good thing, but there's always the risk of becoming too elementary. I don't think that's much of a problem here though, especially since you only had one syllable words to work with. While it was pretty simplistic, it seemed somewhat complex for the resources you had to work with. This wasn't super imagery heavy like some of your songs tend to be, which again I think would've been hard to do with only one syllable words as well as word restraints. I don't think it needed to be imagery heavy for that matter though. There was a good amount of emotion in this piece, mainly in the prechorus, but it felt like there should've been a little more given the topic. It wasn't the most creative topic ever and while I don't think the simplicity of the song helped in this sense, I do still think this was pretty refreshing. It was like a complex story told simply. I don't know if that's the greatest way to go about telling a story, but it's definitely an interesting juxtaposition that maybe you didn't even intend, but it adds a little bit of depth to it for me. "I'll be there to clear your head / I'll be there, I'll be your friend" @Tsareena, "Alphabet Soup" QUEEN of creativity, @Corsola is shook. This was so fun, and while some of the "letters" were definitely a reach, they still made me smile. It's maybe not the best type of song for this late in the game, but it felt like a huge change of pace even for you. I love that even though you got a huge hit with a more serious song last week, you're still staying true to your theme, no matter the risks. It's really quite impressive, I always abandon my AHS themes after R2 Your songs might not always blow the judges away, but they all have a certain uniqueness to them that can only be admired. And "Alphabet Soup" is no exception - in fact it's quirkier, sassier, and more fun than all it's predecessors, in my opinion. Still, there are some issues as always on a mechanical level. Along with some of the letters feeling shoehorned in, some of them just feel a little pointless. In that sense, this piece was a little hit and miss. It's like you sacrificed some of the coherency so it would fit into this formula, and I think that's just something that goes along with picking a concept like this. It's going to come with roadblocks. But I still admire the ambition. "I'll find a new man who's worth more than W" @Aurora, "Pink Oasis" Okay, so there's a clear mastery of a couple of things here - one for sure is imagery, as all the stanzas have unique and distinct imagery. Along with that, the tone slightly changes through each of them. Each stanza individually is written brilliantly, but they feel like a collection of unrelated stanzas if we were to ignore some stylistic similarities between them (mainly in the first lines). There's not much tying theme together because there's little narrative going on here - though I'm sure fitting a good narrative in 200 words with no repeating words would've been soul crushing.. Still, without something to connect all these puzzle pieces, it does end up leading a little bit like poetry. Not helped at all by the fact that your writing style by nature is very poetic. In most cases that's a good thing, but here, mainly because of form restrictions, the poet in you took over for a little too long. Still, you can't ignore how well it's written. It's like driving the fastest car in the world but the speed limit is 15mph. "The evening sky brings peace within the dark / A shadow blankets tragedy and faith returns the stars" @mxtthewdelrey, "Abandoned" Risktaker mxtt is back, although maybe not in full force. This was a pretty interesting concept, and was handled decently. As always there were a few lines that were just too blunt for me, like the blood to honey line. It's actually a really interesting metaphor, but it's just not handled in the right way. it needs more subtlety. On a mechanical level, this was a little rough around the edges. I know song without rhyme will by nature be less structurally intact than songs with rhymes, but the uneven meter in this really hurt the natural flow of the song. Like a lot of people, it just didn't really feel like a song, but unlike some others, this was more of a mechanical issue. I think maybe a reason for this is the round itself. You probably had to add in words, take some out, switch some around, so it's understandably kind of messy. You should know that I won't be taking mechanical issues into account too much for this round tho, given the prompt. "So I cry from inside this hopeful cove / Yet my heart is a vessel, emptied of what was once there" @MattyTacos, "Chinese Paper Cuts" Your words are like Chinese Water Torture. I had to. No but this was pretty good, even if it did feel a bit like imagery for the sake of imagery which is a road I tend to see you heading down a lot. Imagery isn't everything, and a lot of times, a clear, meaningful story wins over pretty words. Ideally we'd have both obviously, but that's beside the point. The point is that I don't want you don't want you to get lost in imagery. Yes there's a lot of it here, but some of it is kind of meaningless. I find the chorus to be the most guilty of this. The imagery has a big hand in the emotion of this piece, which is good, but it's kind of at the sacrifice of clarity, which isn't. You need to find a good balance of imagery, and I know you can because I've seen you do it in the past. Lastly, this was a cute and interesting topic, even if the premise of it was pretty muddled under a lot of fluff. "Scissors to thread / I'll ignore what's lost" @SaintWest, "Veins" The Patterns promo She's reaching your honor also "Is it me, or is it two in this tango?" delete it fat Okay, so let me start off by saying that I don't really get the anaphora. It felt kind of...insignificant? I know it sort of conceptualizes what thesong is meant to be about but I don't know if it needed to be repeated that much,it got a little redundant. "But I do think that this was really interesting? The veins aspect, at least. Scars as a symbol of past strife is kind of a no no in PH, but I didn't really remind them. I just think they're less interesting than the whole veins concept. Though I wish the veins concept was fleshed out (ki see what I did there) a little bit more, you just didn't have a lot of time with only 200 words, so I think the piece being as interesting as it was kind of...satisfying. Your writing style didn't seem as masterful as usual, but it was still very easy to read as always. Overall I think the strongest part of this piece was the creativity behind the concept - It's probably been done before, but it still felt pretty fresh. "Your two fists reveal a trail running through your arms / I can trace your veins like they're patterns in the stars" @ultraviolence.xx, "Strange Love" This was cute, but a bit too simplistic. The lines were incredibly short and didn't leave any room for any kind of development. The rhymes were pretty elementary for you and just highlighted how simple and straightforward the rest of it is. Simplicity is usually a good thing especially in songwriting, but this slipped dangerously close to elementary. I know you're not, because I've seen you write compelling and well balanced songs before, but lines like "I hate that you make me feel like this" just feel completely out of character for you. I just think the fact that you took on three of the requirements instead of just two might've done more bad than good. It just left very little room for any development, and while the song has a surprisingly solid narrative throughout most of it, it just doesn't really go anywhere. It's still pretty well written, though, and the "opposite" lines were pretty cute. The area where the song succeeds the most I would say is emotion,as with most of your songs. Though there isn't much development, it still grabs the reader and forces them into a LDR-induced depression. And not in a bad way! "I wait for no but pray for yes / I expect the worst but pray for the best" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 hints tomorrow xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 or maybe leter tonite but dont get your hopes up xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultraviolence.xx Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 5 minutes ago, ceremonials said: LDR-induced depression a mess, a cackle, a kii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Completely agree about the poetry comment. It would require a killer melody in order to sound more like a song imo. But I'm glad you liked the imagery and thought it was well written! @ceremonials Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Something tells me I should've just sent Small Bird Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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