Many of you know how my mind can spiral when it comes to my boyfriend. The last few days have been confusing to me though, I would like some genuine opinions and thoughts.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost a year now. Last week I sent him a long message to celebrate 11 months of being together, he replied with a rather short message. He then told me in real life "Is it necessary to send huge messages for every new month in our relationship? It's super cute what you text me, but are you planning to do this every month for the rest of our relationship?" This has shifted something in me. I was so excited for yet another month together, and he told me that he loves me very much but the fact that he told me to tone it down in a way kinda hurt me. He also told me that he doesn't like texting a lot, but that he ofcourse enjoys talking to me but that he's just not that into whatsapp. We don't live close to each other so it's our only way to stay in touch when we're not together. He sometimes makes me wait 2 hours or longer for a reply even when he's chilling at home, meanwhile I get super excited every time I see his name pop up on my screen. This comment also changed a certain feeling I have within.

Last Sunday I was at his place. I remember during our first months together that he would keep me until the last possible minute. Last Sunday though, I left early because we didn't know anything to do. I then started to ask him if he's still excited about our relationship and if he still loves me, to which he replied "ofcourse". I noticed that he got annoyed after a while though, I did ask many similar questions because I just can't stop myself once I start.

I tried to text him less during the past few days. Usually we would call each other when we didn't meet up for a few days, but now we didn't call even once. I haven't seen him for three days but we're hanging out tomorrow. He told me that he's excited to see me again, I replied "I'm happy aswel that we'll see each other again", but my feeling is different. I feel anxious, not very excited.

Something has changed and I don't know why. Am I protecting myself? Is this selfsabotage? I notice that my thoughts keep looking for evidence that he's less in love with me. Today I didn't text him when I was done working, while during the last months I used to do that every day. I just couldn't be bothered and wanted to show him that I'm not a dog that'll chase him around.

I truly want to love him but I'm noticing a certain 'brake' within myself. What is happening? Is this just a next stage in our relationship?

Edited March 3Mar 3 by Whis

It sounds like you have anxious or compulsive thinking patterns and have chosen this as a fixation. You're scrutinizing every detail way beyond what is necessary, and you're going to invent problems that don't exist. The facts are that your boyfriend continues to put in effort and likes spending time with you. Try to stay grounded in reality and avoid jumping to conclusions that are only supported by assumptions.

if you have to make that many threads about your relationship, maybe you should end it and consult a therapist.

6 minutes ago, St. Charles said:

It sounds like you have anxious or compulsive thinking patterns and have chosen this as a fixation. You're scrutinizing every detail way beyond what is necessary, and you're going to invent problems that don't exist. The facts are that your boyfriend continues to put in effort and likes spending time with you. Try to stay grounded in reality and avoid jumping to conclusions that are only supported by assumptions.

I truly think this is the issue. But how do I stop this? These thoughts keep popping up and my feelings follow.

Girl if that man leaves u what will become of u? i feel like u spend all day thinking of worst case scenarios I hope you'd take it ok….

4 minutes ago, IBeMe said:

Girl if that man leaves u what will become of u? i feel like u spend all day thinking of worst case scenarios I hope you'd take it ok….

I would hurt myself probably

1 minute ago, Whis said:

I would hurt myself probably

That makes me so sad to hear please don't put all of who u are in one person. You are so much more than just your relationship and there's always someone else should that ever happen you are a whole world in of yourself…and there's always someone else who can come along and join it

5 minutes ago, Whis said:

I would hurt myself probably

you should never hurt yourself over a man, life goes on

I can't even with you.

11 minutes ago, Whis said:

I truly think this is the issue. But how do I stop this? These thoughts keep popping up and my feelings follow.

Genuinely, I think therapy. But it can also be mental reframing. Not every thought that pops into your head is one you have to entertain. When you get a thought like that, try thinking "Nope, that isn't helpful right now. I'm not entertaining that." It will probably take a while, but the longer you spend dwelling on certain thoughts the more they pop up again and again.

13 minutes ago, Whis said:

I truly think this is the issue. But how do I stop this? These thoughts keep popping up and my feelings follow.

Realize that just because those thoughts pop up doesn't mean they have to be verbalized, otherwise you'll just be creating the thing you're afraid of

Have you ever tried something like yoga or mindfulness? That might help you soothe yourself when your mind is racing

First page

Wake up babe a new Whis relationship thread just dropped.

37 minutes ago, Whis said:

Many of you know how my mind can spiral when it comes to my boyfriend. The last few days have been confusing to me though, I would like some genuine opinions and thoughts.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost a year now. Last week I sent him a long message to celebrate 11 months of being together, he replied with a rather short message. He then told me in real life "Is it necessary to send huge messages for every new month in our relationship? It's super cute what you text me, but are you planning to do this every month for the rest of our relationship?" This has shifted something in me. I was so excited for yet another month together, and he told me that he loves me very much but the fact that he told me to tone it down in a way kinda hurt me. He also told me that he doesn't like texting a lot, but that he ofcourse enjoys talking to me but that he's just not that into whatsapp. We don't live close to each other so it's our only way to stay in touch when we're not together. He sometimes makes me wait 2 hours or longer for a reply even when he's chilling at home, meanwhile I get super excited every time I see his name pop up on my screen. This comment also changed a certain feeling I have within.

Last Sunday I was at his place. I remember during our first months together that he would keep me until the last possible minute. Last Sunday though, I left early because we didn't know anything to do. I then started to ask him if he's still excited about our relationship and if he still loves me, to which he replied "ofcourse". I noticed that he got annoyed after a while though, I did ask many similar questions because I just can't stop myself once I start.

I tried to text him less during the past few days. Usually we would call each other when we didn't meet up for a few days, but now we didn't call even once. I haven't seen him for three days but we're hanging out tomorrow. He told me that he's excited to see me again, I replied "I'm happy aswel that we'll see each other again", but my feeling is different. I feel anxious, not very excited.

Something has changed and I don't know why. Am I protecting myself? Is this selfsabotage? I notice that my thoughts keep looking for evidence that he's less in love with me. Today I didn't text him when I was done working, while during the last months I used to do that every day. I just couldn't be bothered and wanted to show him that I'm not a dog that'll chase him around.

I truly want to love him but I'm noticing a certain 'brake' within myself. What is happening? Is this just a next stage in our relationship?

This is very interesting

I want you to ignore the first thought in your head and do the second thing instead

5 minutes ago, Acuminatus said:

Have you ever tried something like yoga or mindfulness? That might help you soothe yourself when your mind is racing

Yes, nothing helped.

I was hoping he left you with how quiet you'd been. Honestly, you are not meant for the relationship you're in. ATRL is not therapy. It's an online pop culture forum. In all seriousness, you need to work on whatever internal issues you have before you're in a relationship. And that's the honest truth.

Edited March 3Mar 3 by livelikemusic

24 minutes ago, Whis said:

I would hurt myself probably

In all seriousness, this is a pretty alarming thing to say. There is no person out there worth hurting yourself for.

I get everyone likes to poke fun at you, but it sounds like you need to move on, surround yourself with people who care about you, and do things that make you happy.

And maybe seek therapy. I don't mean that in a mean spirited way. I've done it and it's helped me deal with anxiety.

I advise you to read up on the anxious-avoidant relationship. Your relation type fits it perfectly.

Do you think maybe he's avoiding so he can smoke?

His comment about long messages wasn't "I don't care," it was "this isn't my natural way of connecting." But because texting is your way of connecting, it hit you in a vulnerable place. You express love through words, texting, and emotional closeness. He expresses love more through presence, calls, and in‑person time. Neither is wrong.. but the mismatch can feel like rejection when you're the more expressive one.

The anxiety for tmrw you're feeling is Because your body is bracing.

That "brake" you feel is your nervous system trying to keep you safe. Usually these thoughts are overblown and things that never end up happening. This is a primal instinct we've received from our ancestors, that's kept us safe from predators, now it just keeps us anxious and overthinking. It doesn't mean you've fallen out of love. It means you're scared of being vulnerable again.

This stage of relationship you have entered is a good learning and healthy stage. This stage is often where couples learn:

• how to communicate needs without overwhelming each other

• how to balance closeness and independence

• how to love each other in ways that feel good for both

It's not a sign the relationship is ending.

Talk to him about communication styles, not about "love fading." For example: "I know long messages aren't your thing. But sometimes I need a bit more warmth in your replies so I feel connected." Ask him what makes him feel loved, too. He might say calls, quality time, physical closeness.

Honestly, what you're experiencing is very common in long‑term relationships, especially around the one‑year mark, when the early intensity naturally changes and both partners' styles start to show more clearly.

Edited March 3Mar 3 by Raphy

You should continue texting him. I think he's testing to see how much you really love him and if you stop texting him he'll think you don't care.

I can relate to this on a real personal level. I went through a lot of "waiting for a text" or call from my ex-husband. We were living separately at the time (not because of relationship issues); and I constantly worried about him being out in the world because of his specific risky behaviors. I was obsessive. Especially with phone calling. But it was out of fear of what he was getting up to in the time we weren't together. And I was justified in those fears for specific reasons - but, it's not healthy to live in that mindset of constant fear of what your partner is getting up to. You seem young and it's easy to have obsessive feelings because it feels like it's your world. You go over ways on how you can refine the relationship in your head. Etc. and it sucks when it feels like the same feelings aren't being reciprocated in a relationship. It probably feels like you're putting in the most emotional points into the pot and always wondering why it isn't returned. I hate that feeling.

Since divorcing I just worry about me and things in my life. I fill free time with music, Internet hobbies, movies, video games etc. it feels like a baggage has been lifted (in my specific situation).

My point is I don't know if this specific relationship is the one for you at this moment in time. You live apart and far away. You are constantly worrying (which I understand) and it often probably feels one-sided. It feels like emotional torture.

It might not be the right relationship now and if it's right, maybe in the future you can reunite but I think you would be better off focusing on you and your future and something more compatible will come along surely

You need therapy more than you need a boyfriend, and I say this with the most genuine intentions.

I know I've seen countless threads made by Whis and we're bound to feel ridiculous by now while reading them, but this is probably the first time I've seen most posts that are genuinely helpful and empathetic on the first page and not all just making fun or having a laugh at someone's problem. Good job for once, atrl.

OT; I agree with the comment that said you don't have to entertain every thought that pops into your head. Were humans, we come to all kinds of conclusions if we think too much about our insecurities, so maybe just try to count your blessings that you still have that man by your side and look at the positives, and seek therapy if needed.