discussion Advice with homophobic father?

[PixelStick]

So I came out to my older brother a couple years ago after my mother, He was always very accepting and although we don’t have the closest relationship he always supports me and says he want me to find a boyfriend etc.

 

my dad on the other hand is quite homophobic and misogynistic.He’s an alcoholic and I have a lot of trauma with bad memories and verbal/mental abuse before my mother kicked him out when I was young.

 

Basically we never bonded and I know him the least of my siblings, My brother knows that and i think has set up a get together in his house over the weekend so we we can have a drink and chat and stuff.

My dad is sick I know he is not going to live a lot longer, I want to get know him while I have chance but am very anxious about even being in his presence. Last time I seen him was months ago.

 

Although I know it will be awkward and he will never change his ways should I go or move on idk what do you or try connect with him despite my anxiety? Any advice? 

 

 

[DAP]

Do what you feel is right for yourself. But for me I wouldn’t waste my time with any person that’s abused me. Once my trust has been breached you will never be able to reconcile with me. 

[Mornings]

My dad is homophobic and alcoholic as well. Once he said something slick to me and I said calmly “It would be benificial if you stopped thinking about me having sex every time you look at me” 

 

and that was all it took. He is still talking **** about me just not to my face so I don’t have to deal with it. It also helps that I moved thousands of miles away after high school and haven’t had to see him in years.

 

I feel for you just stay strong, and know that if you need to distance yourself it’s not anything you did. It’s his fault the relationship is severed

[SimpleKindofLife]

I don’t want to give you a false sense of hope but sometimes when people are eyeing death they choose to make it right with people who they know they’ve hurt. This could be the case for your father or he could still be the same person he was before his poor health began. You really have to juggle whether taking the risk of being around him is worth it or not but, if your trauma is too deep to make peace with him then please don’t put yourself in that situation. I personally don’t speak to my father but I’ve never lived with him consistently and he was willingly absent until I cut him off completely and it’s bittersweet but was necessary for my mental health. Please take care of yourself regardless of what you choose

[WokeEqualist]

I'm going to be honest with you he's not changing. Don't water yourself down or try hard to get him to accept you because that's just not happening and you'd just be cheating yourself, especially considering the stuff he has going on. Make your peace with it and move on, try to find other people like relatives or friends who will create a love and support core in your life.

[Bloodflowers.]

You will never know if you don't do it. You know him better than ATRL so you should calcuate if his reaction would put you in any physical danger.

 

Don't know how your dad views gays in general, so if he is ignorant on the topic, you could provide him with the context of how you felt about being gay and growing up and how you came up with that realization. It took you some time to understand who you are, so your dad will probably take same time too. Good luck with whatever decision you make!

 

[brenda-walsh]

you stated that you never really had a relationship with him, so personally i wouldn't do it as i don't see how it would change anything as he's dying. but if you really feel strongly about it and think coming out to him will positively affect either of your lives, then go for it

[DeepEnd]

It's up to you. There's no right or wrong answer. If you wanna visit him that's fine, if you never wanna see him again that's also fine

Edited August 3, 2023 by DeepEnd

[magazine]

Tell him you know he's gay and has been hiding it for 80 years 

 

[Thickorita]

Do what your gut tells you, but if he's still harboring so much hatred and vitriol towards you whilst being terminally ill, I personally wouldn't get too invested in building a relationship.

[cockatoo]

Honestly I'd give him one last chance if he's sick. At least then you know you've done everything you can. The worst thing would be for him to pass away and you left not knowing if you could've had a chance to bond with him.

[Queen.]

1 hour ago, magazine said:

Tell him you know he's gay and has been hiding it for 80 years