discussion Hard hitting truths gay men aren't ready to hear?

[Yvess]

Hope we realize before it's too late that many of us tried to tone down or worse, hate our own "weird" qualities to gain our friends or partners or society's approval, only to later learn that we are just suppressing the best things about us.

[Badger]

Being masc doesn’t make you less gay than fems 

[Popboi.]

9 hours ago, Kimbra said:

That's homophobia.

Homophonic attacks ARE violence

 

 

[zasderfght]

I skimmed some of the comments, but I didn't read all of them: this is what I would contribute to the discourse: 

 

• You will not find a boyfriend-- if you're a cis gay male; which, most of us on here are-- by texting a guy you met on a dating/hookup app/website non-stop, ignoring red flags your potential date/partner poses, and allowing a guy to subsume and take over your life. A guy only complements or adds to your life. If you can't live on your own, regulate your own emotions, compartmentalize, or just be a well-rounded, down-to-Earth, and decent person, you might (not might-- you absolutely should) work on these things before EVEN beginning to date. 
• Owning your mistakes and immediately correcting that behavior is one of the most liberating and impressive features you can possess as an adult. People are so used to hearing big, undelivered promises, lying/manipulation, that if you're actually honest, you seem to genuinely care about your mistake, and you solved your problem (or the person you wronged can see you actively tried to correct a problem), they will RESPECT the hell out of you-- even if they end up disliking you. That, and it builds confidence and resilience. 
• Not sleeping, always partying/using recreational drugs, and not working towards short and/or long-term goals is not cute past the age of 25. Your early 20s are your party years-- you're in college, you're studying but having a good time, etc. Eating right, drinking enough water, getting 8 hours of sleep, etc. These are all things that are ESSENTIAL for your body. You start not sleeping and watch: either physically or mentally, you WILL pay for it later. 
• Rather than slapping a bandaid on a problem (which is VERY easy to do), try to get to the root CAUSE of your problem. It can be in regards to processing trauma; it can be why men constantly turn you down (which is still on them, but you have a part to play, too, sometimes, unfortunately); it can be why you're always dissatisfied with life. If you address the root of the problem, the trauma/anxiety/depression doesn't linger as long, and you might shock yourself with how much you can adapt and grow as a human being. 
• Painful experiences (either literally or physically) always suck in the moment, but they can be our biggest learning lessons. It's a cliche saying, but we don't learn our biggest lessons when we earn an accolade or when everything is going great in our lives. We learn our biggest lessons when we've hit our rock bottoms. Rather than focusing on "wow, this is a horrible situation," see how you can fix it. 
• Think more with practicality, logic, and problem-solving skills rather than emotion. EASIER said than done, for sure, but train your brain to keep doing this (mindfulness is GREAT for this) and you will not only think sharper, but you save your energy for things way more worth your time. 
• Life can be scary, crazy, weird, etc., but the important part is to NEVER get up. I have been in situations where my safety was almost 100% compromised, I've had major surgery, I deal with chronic pain, etc. And yet, I still live my life as a "normal" and "functioning" adult. It took a LOT of work to get here, and a LOT of work has to be done still, but I am very proud of getting myself here. 
• You're either choosing growth or comfort 99% of the time. Choosing comfort when unwinding is fine but not for living a fruitful, rich, and fulfilling life. If you're working the same horrible job for the rest of your life, you are still dating the same type of guy, you go to that same bar and get wasted and blow your money on Ubers and drinks, you're not growing-- you're actually regressing. 
• Stop being so shallow. One day, your young skin will have wrinkles, crows feet, age spots, etc. One day, you might gain 20 pounds from just a simple medication change. I can tell when people post "I don't talk to fatties," they haven't had enough life experience to know just how ignorant and uneducated that truly sounds. You think you're being edgy by knocking vulnerable groups down. It's all fun and games until you become one of them! 

 

...and that's about it. These are lessons I learned in my early-to-mid 20s, and if any of this helped you or you have questions, my inbox is always open  I hope everyone on here can at least somewhat enjoy their lives, feel comfortable in their own skin, and just... live. That's what life is all about anyway! 

Edited August 1, 2023 by zasderfght

[Dalmau]

9 minutes ago, zasderfght said:

I skimmed some of the comments, but I didn't read all of them: this is what I would contribute to the discourse: 

 

• You will not find a boyfriend-- if you're a cis gay male; which, most of us on here are-- by texting a guy you met on a dating/hookup app/website non-stop, ignoring red flags your potential date/partner poses, and allowing a guy to subsume and take over your life. A guy only complements or adds to your life. If you can't live on your own, regulate your own emotions, compartmentalize, or just be a well-rounded, down-to-Earth, and decent person, you might (not might-- you absolutely should) work on these things before EVEN beginning to date. 
• Owning your mistakes and immediately correcting that behavior is one of the most liberating and impressive features you can possess as an adult. People are so used to hearing big, undelivered promises, lying/manipulation, that if you're actually honest, you seem to genuinely care about your mistake, and you solved your problem (or the person you wronged can see you actively tried to correct a problem), they will RESPECT the hell out of you-- even if they end up disliking you. That, and it builds confidence and resilience. 
• Not sleeping, always partying/using recreational drugs, and not working towards short and/or long-term goals is not cute past the age of 25. Your early 20s are your party years-- you're in college, you're studying but having a good time, etc. Eating right, drinking enough water, getting 8 hours of sleep, etc. These are all things that are ESSENTIAL for your body. You start not sleeping and watch: either physically or mentally, you WILL pay for it later. 
• Rather than slapping a bandaid on a problem (which is VERY easy to do), try to get to the root CAUSE of your problem. It can be in regards to processing trauma; it can be why men constantly turn you down (which is still on them, but you have a part to play, too, sometimes, unfortunately); it can be why you're always dissatisfied with life. If you address the root of the problem, the trauma/anxiety/depression doesn't linger as long, and you might shock yourself with how much you can adapt and grow as a human being. 
• Painful experiences (either literally or physically) always suck in the moment, but they can be our biggest learning lessons. It's a cliche saying, but we don't learn our biggest lessons when we earn an accolade or when everything is going great in our lives. We learn our biggest lessons when we've hit our rock bottoms. Rather than focusing on "wow, this is a horrible situation," see how you can fix it. 
• Think more with practicality, logic, and problem-solving skills rather than emotion. EASIER said than done, for sure, but train your brain to keep doing this (mindfulness is GREAT for this) and you will not only think sharper, but you save your energy for things way more worth your time. 
• Life can be scary, crazy, weird, etc., but the important part is to NEVER get up. I have been in situations where my safety was almost 100% compromised, I've had major surgery, I deal with chronic pain, etc. And yet, I still live my life as a "normal" and "functioning" adult. It took a LOT of work to get here, and a LOT of work has to be done still, but I am very proud of getting myself here. 
• You're either choosing growth or comfort 99% of the time. Choosing comfort when unwinding is fine but not for living a fruitful, rich, and fulfilling life. If you're working the same horrible job for the rest of your life, you are still dating the same type of guy, you go to that same bar and get wasted and blow your money on Ubers and drinks, you're not growing-- you're actually regressing. 
• Stop being so shallow. One day, your young skin will have wrinkles, crows feet, age spots, etc. One day, you might gain 20 pounds from just a simple medication change. I can tell when people post "I don't talk to fatties," they haven't had enough life experience to know just how ignorant and uneducated that truly sounds. You think you're being edgy by knocking vulnerable groups down. It's all fun and games until you become one of them! 

 

...and that's about it. These are lessons I learned in my early-to-mid 20s, and if any of this helped you or you have questions, my inbox is always open  I hope everyone on here can at least somewhat enjoy their lives, feel comfortable in their own skin, and just... live. That's what life is all about anyway! 

Such a beautiful post, I needed this. Thank you so much. 💕

Edited August 1, 2023 by Dalmau

[Headlock]

11 hours ago, Kimbra said:

That's homophobia.

Yes, and you not including bisexual men falling victim to this is biphobia 

[zasderfght]

32 minutes ago, Dalmau said:

Such a beautiful post, I needed this. Thank you so much. 💕

You are very welcome 

[Hephaestus]

1 hour ago, zasderfght said:

I skimmed some of the comments, but I didn't read all of them: this is what I would contribute to the discourse: 

 

• You will not find a boyfriend-- if you're a cis gay male; which, most of us on here are-- by texting a guy you met on a dating/hookup app/website non-stop, ignoring red flags your potential date/partner poses, and allowing a guy to subsume and take over your life. A guy only complements or adds to your life. If you can't live on your own, regulate your own emotions, compartmentalize, or just be a well-rounded, down-to-Earth, and decent person, you might (not might-- you absolutely should) work on these things before EVEN beginning to date. 
• Owning your mistakes and immediately correcting that behavior is one of the most liberating and impressive features you can possess as an adult. People are so used to hearing big, undelivered promises, lying/manipulation, that if you're actually honest, you seem to genuinely care about your mistake, and you solved your problem (or the person you wronged can see you actively tried to correct a problem), they will RESPECT the hell out of you-- even if they end up disliking you. That, and it builds confidence and resilience. 
• Not sleeping, always partying/using recreational drugs, and not working towards short and/or long-term goals is not cute past the age of 25. Your early 20s are your party years-- you're in college, you're studying but having a good time, etc. Eating right, drinking enough water, getting 8 hours of sleep, etc. These are all things that are ESSENTIAL for your body. You start not sleeping and watch: either physically or mentally, you WILL pay for it later. 
• Rather than slapping a bandaid on a problem (which is VERY easy to do), try to get to the root CAUSE of your problem. It can be in regards to processing trauma; it can be why men constantly turn you down (which is still on them, but you have a part to play, too, sometimes, unfortunately); it can be why you're always dissatisfied with life. If you address the root of the problem, the trauma/anxiety/depression doesn't linger as long, and you might shock yourself with how much you can adapt and grow as a human being. 
• Painful experiences (either literally or physically) always suck in the moment, but they can be our biggest learning lessons. It's a cliche saying, but we don't learn our biggest lessons when we earn an accolade or when everything is going great in our lives. We learn our biggest lessons when we've hit our rock bottoms. Rather than focusing on "wow, this is a horrible situation," see how you can fix it. 
• Think more with practicality, logic, and problem-solving skills rather than emotion. EASIER said than done, for sure, but train your brain to keep doing this (mindfulness is GREAT for this) and you will not only think sharper, but you save your energy for things way more worth your time. 
• Life can be scary, crazy, weird, etc., but the important part is to NEVER get up. I have been in situations where my safety was almost 100% compromised, I've had major surgery, I deal with chronic pain, etc. And yet, I still live my life as a "normal" and "functioning" adult. It took a LOT of work to get here, and a LOT of work has to be done still, but I am very proud of getting myself here. 
• You're either choosing growth or comfort 99% of the time. Choosing comfort when unwinding is fine but not for living a fruitful, rich, and fulfilling life. If you're working the same horrible job for the rest of your life, you are still dating the same type of guy, you go to that same bar and get wasted and blow your money on Ubers and drinks, you're not growing-- you're actually regressing. 
• Stop being so shallow. One day, your young skin will have wrinkles, crows feet, age spots, etc. One day, you might gain 20 pounds from just a simple medication change. I can tell when people post "I don't talk to fatties," they haven't had enough life experience to know just how ignorant and uneducated that truly sounds. You think you're being edgy by knocking vulnerable groups down. It's all fun and games until you become one of them! 

 

...and that's about it. These are lessons I learned in my early-to-mid 20s, and if any of this helped you or you have questions, my inbox is always open  I hope everyone on here can at least somewhat enjoy their lives, feel comfortable in their own skin, and just... live. That's what life is all about anyway! 

I truly couldn't have worded my thoughts better than this 

 

Also, getting into the mindset of treating others as you'd like to be treated yourself is life changing, whether it's family, friends, colleagues or love interests. No one likes being around an unpleasant person and, as cheesy as it may sounds, nice attracts nice. Long story short: drop the Regina George façade folks!

[Specter]

To the gay men this applies to, you can:

 

-Vote right-wing ghouls 

-Present as a crazy masc bro-dude

-Decide to throw trans people under the bus, all day, every day till your face is blue 

-Advocate for anti-gay laws 

-Decide to throw other gay men under the bus with repulsive accusations of grooming and pedophilia... 

 

...and yet, to them, you will always be disgusting. They will use you as their mouth piece, they will display civility, even celebration of your "braveness" and make you feel like you belong with them, that you're the "good" one, that you're THE One. 

 

But the moment they see you hold hands with your partner, their eyebrows will furl. If they see you peck him on the cheek or lips, they'll hide their grimace. When you talk about raising a family, they'll make you feel like you never will know what that will be like. And when you talk of God? They will stay silent, because they don't want to state where they /really/ think you will end up. 

 

You will spend all your life as a pick-me, and they would not even show up to your funeral. And when you apologize or seek to repent your ways for harming your community - you will rightfully be treated as an enemy. 

[WokeEqualist]

Forcing yourself into being masculine/manly will have no effect on how homophobic people see you. To them you're still a man who has sex with other men

[Theshigo Washidu]

19 hours ago, Mitsouko said:

Gay is not a personality

If only Lil Nas X knew this

[scenekiller]

Go to therapy, no matter how well-adjusted you think you are.

[lonnie]

I think a lot has been said that I agree with, but also to add that aging is a very natural process: all living things age, wear out, die, decay. And it is not a moral failure in any way to grow older.

[mokitsu]

Chemsex is a modern epidemic in our community, if you can't have sex without GHB or go on 8 hour 3mmc induced rampages then you need to seek professional help and it seems like every other guy on Grindr is doing it now 

[D_Man3379]

Basically repeating the same sentiments here, drop the Regina George facade to try and get likes, replies and popularity. 

[Shinning]

23 hours ago, ZIVERT said:

Going to the gym and circuit parties is not a personality

Gather them

[its_britney_bitch]

18 and 19 year olds are still children and it’s predatory to pursue them

[fountain]

I think the most common thing that I see is that people don’t love themselves enough. You might think that you do and have a facade of being overly confident but very often the actions that are displayed speak for themselves. A lot of you are hurting yourselves and further causing a cycle of issues thanks to your toxic behaviours. It’s honestly a really big problem… seriously, it’s time to treat yourselves (and others) better. The self destructive stuff is not right. 

[Beyonnaise]

Life will be ok as we age if we allow ourselves to not get so caught up in the fear of it. Straight people are allowed to age gracefully and live happy fulfilling lives, and gays should too.

[Bloodflowers.]

You're not a girl b*tch

 

 

[blackoutbaby]

On 7/31/2023 at 3:21 PM, Technicolor said:

You can't turn a straight man gay 

 

Spoiler

Jk I agree with you

 

Edited August 1, 2023 by blackoutbaby

[40000000000000]

sex positivity and unhealthy hypersexuality are two different things.

[Rebel Lion]

That they're expired at a certain age.

[Slap]

The gay community is extremely diverse and generalized moralistic statements about our community don’t really help. The experience of a femme vs masc or white vs poc or cis vs trans gay man is going to be vastly different because we are all individuals.
 

 

[Jude]

Age does not matter. Size does not matter. Race does not matter.