discussion Falling out with a friend; help

[zasderfght]

Trigger Warning: R-word ; Substance Abuse

 

I was roommates with someone I'll call Mark. I considered Mark my best friend for about four years. It wasn't until I started to live with him to know how bad his mental health was, how untreated it was, and how Mark will probably forever continue to abuse painkillers, benzos, nicotine, and alcohol. Mark was r-worded by his ex-boyfriend, and I know I am so naive for staying in this friendship (we were friends in my college/young adult years), because the first day Mark and I met, he brought up his ex. And then somewhere down the pipeline, Mark revealed that his ex-boyfriend roofied his drink while they were boyfriends, and not only did his ex r-word him but another man. On numerous occasions when Mark was blacked out on alcohol, he admitted he has a problem with abusing painkillers/opioids and that he's still in love with his ex-boyfriend-- the same man who r-worded him. And the worst part is, his ex-boyfriend is in a committed, monogamous relationship with his partner. So you're not only dating someone who committed a violent crime, but you're also dating someone unfaithful to their S/O. 

 

How did Mark's love life affect my relationship with him? On a day where Mark and I were supposed to talk about a disagreement we had, Mark got very cryptic and noncommittal in his text messages, and my boyfriend pulls up Mark's snap story of Mark partying with his ex-boyfriend. I was so confused, mad, and upset-- strangely, not for my sake, but for his. Me being his friend, I thought Mark was going to turn his life around, work on himself, and when he's ready to date, date men that will respect and love him for who he truly is. 

 

Mark also mentioned he may have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder; however, I'm not sure exactly what BPD is. My ex-roommate has mood swings, gets irritated very easily (for example, he yelled and didn't talk to me for 2 days because of a ketchup stain on his couch that I offered to clean and spot treat), he is paranoid about everything (for example, I couldn't be seen by the other tenants since I was technically not on the lease-- thank God; I had to hide my dispensary bags despite being a legit medical cannabis patient in a state where cannabis is legal on the state level for adult use; I had to use the hand towel to wipe the bathroom sink every time I used it). 

 

Also, Mark has a tendency to be selfish. When I told him I was getting him 2 boxes of his favorite coffee brand, he goes "don't touch my couch. It's worth 3,000 dollars." And it wasn't until the end of the day until he "thanked" me for his coffee. Mark also made me pay a maintenance fee for an oven because apparently I "used too much oil when cooking" when I have used maybe 5 different ovens, and not a single one broke with my cooking. Mark's appliances are also old and break easily. He told me how mad he was at me, and I apologized and said I'd pay for the fee and I did right away. 

 

It all registered, and I'm like, the guy I thought that was fun and zany at parties turned out to be a cowardly, rude person, who drowns his sorrows with controlled prescription medications, cannabis, alcohol, and nicotine. 

 

The last straw: when I told Mark I'd take the rest of my clothes out, he told me to "please" wait because he had a guy "coming over." I told him, with all due respect, I deserve to get my stuff out of there when I want to since I paid my rent for this month, and Mark snaps at me and says "technically, nothing is in your name. This is not your property. Not trying to be a d-word, but you can change your address anywhere." I keep it cordial, because I'm smart enough to know, even with an address change to my new apartment, I'm going to have mail coming to his mailbox.

 

It's just a lot to process-- any advice for healing? This is someone I thought was my best friend, and it seems like Mark just took advantage of me because he knew I was financially stable, I have a car, I have a medical card, and I have a prescription for a medication he would ask for (stupid me, thinking he would take it as-needed and responsibly). Mark was also cut off of controlled substances. Believe me, ATRL: I learned my lesson, and once I know all my mail from that apartment has been given to me, Mark and I are no longer going to be on speaking terms. 

Edited July 31, 2023 by zasderfght

[May]

yeah this is unfortunately just something you learn as a life lesson when u live with ur friends. been there too sis.

 

i had a best friend who i thought was super responsible and mature and she turned out to be a TRAMP. she drove me to my wit's end while living with her. 

 

my advice would be to cut all contact, act like a ghost to him . never ever reach out . 

[Peroxide]

This is upsetting to hear for so many reasons. I’m sorry.

 

When you live with a friend/partner it really does test the dynamic. I’ve lost several friendships over this too…

 

One of my ex-friends/roommates had a lot of mental health problems that resulted in me adopting a pseudo-caretaker roll that proved extremely unhealthy for both of us.

 

I think it’s awesome that you’ve come to this conclusion and you’re ready to set up healthy boundaries for yourself. This might even prove beneficial for Mark… it could very well be the wake up call he’s been needing all this time.

 

I’ve also experienced falling out with a best friend and it was really, really horrible. Hit me harder than any breakup I’d experienced… unfortunately there’s nothing else you can do apart from ride out the pain. It might take longer than you’d want it to but it will pass.

Edited July 31, 2023 by Peroxide

[UnusualBoy]

I may not give the best advice right now considering I'm basically going through a falling out with a friend too but not as dramatic as yours. But from what I'm reading, it's best if you cut ties to him. It'll hurt but it's probably the best for you and even for him.

[Laura Palmer]

Sounds like Mark is quite controlling. Does he speak to any of his other friends in the same tone or manner he would address you in? 
 

He may be suffering with his mental health issues, but those are his issues. If he knows he needs help, and has not gotten it,  block him.

 

There is no point in trying to care or look out for someone like that, because why have their best interests at heart when they’re completely self centred anyway. 

[zasderfght]

48 minutes ago, Peroxide said:

This is upsetting to hear for so many reasons. I’m sorry.

 

When you live with a friend/partner it really does test the dynamic. I’ve lost several friendships over this too…

 

One of my ex-friends/roommates had a lot of mental health problems that resulted in me adopting a pseudo-caretaker roll that proved extremely unhealthy for both of us.

 

I think it’s awesome that you’ve come to this conclusion and you’re ready to set up healthy boundaries for yourself. This might even prove beneficial for Mark… it could very well be the wake up call he’s been needing all this time.

 

I’ve also experienced falling out with a best friend and it was really, really horrible. Hit me harder than any breakup I’d experienced… unfortunately there’s nothing else you can do apart from ride out the pain. It might take longer than you’d want it to but it will pass.

Thank you

[zasderfght]

Just now, Laura Palmer said:

Sounds like Mark is quite controlling. Does he speak to any of his other friends in the same tone or manner he would address you in? 
 

He may be suffering with his mental health issues, but those are his issues. If he knows he needs help, and has not gotten it,  block him.

 

There is no point in trying to care or look out for someone like that, because why have their best interests at heart when they’re completely self centred anyway. 

Yep. He talks to his dealer this way. He would talk to his ex this way. It's definitely not just me. 

[zasderfght]

1 hour ago, May said:

yeah this is unfortunately just something you learn as a life lesson when u live with ur friends. been there too sis.

 

i had a best friend who i thought was super responsible and mature and she turned out to be a TRAMP. she drove me to my wit's end while living with her. 

 

my advice would be to cut all contact, act like a ghost to him . never ever reach out . 

I agree 100%. I only am being cordial to Mark because I have mail still coming to that address, but once I get confirmation my stuff is out of there, I am completely pulling the cord. 

[Archetype]

It's best to set hard boundaries early on with people with BPD who aren't doing well so they know not to mess with/take advantage of you.  You also had the added benefit of him being a complete ***hole.  It's basically a bunch of trauma that you didn't ask for and you're sadly going to remember this for the rest of your life, but your feelings about it will diminish to the point that it seems like another lifetime.  Just give it time and focus on your new life and apartment, live the way you want.  Bad roommates can really mess people up.

[zasderfght]

59 minutes ago, Archetype said:

It's best to set hard boundaries early on with people with BPD who aren't doing well so they know not to mess with/take advantage of you.  You also had the added benefit of him being a complete ***hole.  It's basically a bunch of trauma that you didn't ask for and you're sadly going to remember this for the rest of your life, but your feelings about it will diminish to the point that it seems like another lifetime.  Just give it time and focus on your new life and apartment, live the way you want.  Bad roommates can really mess people up.

You always give the best advice. Thank you! I was Googling it, and not a licensed doctor by any means, but given the symptoms, I strongly believe my friend suffers from R-word Trauma Syndrome. He's overly-anxious about everything, has extreme mood swings, cannot keep stable relationships, etc. 

[AvadaKedavra]

In reality, one does not know people until they live behind closed doors with them.
This makes me wonder what pop queens are like at home, lmfao.