Whenever I get up for my job, I’ve been told by not only my peers but so many different strangers I’ve encountered through my job that I’m a very positive person and that I seem very happy/joyful whenever they get to hear a bit from me during our little convos. However, I’m always feeling empty on the inside despite the fact that people tell me these supposedly uplifting things, but yet I can’t seem to see it for myself. Is this a case of me not seeing my self-worth? Could I be depressed? If people see these things in me, I wonder why I can’t ever be happy and find a partner to stay and love me for me, or why I can never get the love and support from my own mother unless it comes conditionally? Felt like I answered my own question but I’m just screaming out at the universe right now because **** seems so unfair in life right now.

I’m sorry to hear you are going through these challenges. I’m also experiencing a bit of mental turmoil for several months now. And what I found was that I had put up a lot of walls and positivity facade as a defense mechanism to prevent people from peering into the darkness that really does exist in all of us. When I realized that, I slowly tried to mend that by putting my inner peace first and not so much how others are viewing me. In time, I felt that I was more mentally and emotionally free. But with that came the outpouring of the things that I was trying really hard to suppress. Now I’m working on these slowly. It’s scary and depressing and stressful and overwhelming, but the process is day-by-day. 

 

Seems like there are familial and relationship traumas to work on. Maybe they were the reason that you put up this facade to the people around you. Maybe the interpersonal trauma you experienced (people making you feel like you’re not good enough for them) led you to subconsciously think that if the people around you thought highly of you, that you would in turn also think more highly of yourself. This is obviously just one interpretation and you should look inward to seek out these answers.
 

Be curious, listen to your heart, don’t be judgmental of yourself (your thoughts, emotions, or actions). once you understand yourself and are at peace with yourself, things will slowly get better. 

 

Happy to talk via DMs too 

I felt the same way on my last job and it depends on a lot of things tbh.

 

For my situation I was depressed, and going to work I suppress/built a wall to make it appears things are cool + work was kinda an outlet for me to focus on other things and possibly bring happiness.

 

Also, consider other people situations could be far worse than what ur currently going thru — so however you handling ur issues, you could be externally inspiring others to not give up (or wanna commit) etc. 

 

PMs open if u needa chat. 

It's because you're nice, but you're dealing with a lot of **** and thankfully not taking it out on anyone that doesn't deserve it, and so they don't notice. Hope the universe starts working in your favour soon. 

28 minutes ago, Contessa said:

And what I found was that I had put up a lot of walls and positivity facade as a defense mechanism to prevent people from peering into the darkness that really does exist in all of us.

I was about to say it sounds like a facade. All these people telling you you're nice and positive might show what you're capable of (almost like an act you're good at), but it doesn't necessarily accurately shows who you are right now, how you're feeling. Being good at remaining positive in front of others can be a great quality, but it can also be draining and harm you if no one knows how you really feel. If how you're acting/what you're doing doesn't align with how you're feeling, that can get very lonely. Trust me, I've been there. I hope you can find people with whom you can share these thoughts and feelings, cause sharing them helps you understand them and process them. That's the way to start healing 

Most people only see the surface and or only what you want to show them.

 

If they feel you positive it's maybe because you smile often, try to be comfortable with them and not talking about your problems.

 

Actually a lot of people manage to hide their hidden world.

 

As for finding love with someone else..... It often take a lot of personnal work our habits and subconscious programming that prevents us to find what we want.

I feel the same. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice to give, but you’re definitely not alone