What to do with a mom who doesn’t see the hurt they’ve caused? Tw

[Sweet Sexy Savage]

Today on February 15th, 2023 at 11:45 PM PST, I sit here by my computer table contemplating about how my life is going to be in the next few months as I plan on moving arrangements with my sister. About ~4 hours ago before all of these thoughts came in my mind, I was in the living room with Betty, my sister, my aunt and my cousin. Betty and my aunt just came from work, and Betty comes into the living room complaining about work and how she’s had a shitty day. As per her usual fashion, she takes it out on me and my sister by telling me that I need to do my laundry sheets right now even though I just got off work too and I was about to go to the gym. Long story short, when my sister and her got into an argument and lots of trauma and things come to light, my mom fervently denies any of the past generational traumas and abuse she’s passed onto us as kids growing up here in CA and tells us that we are making everything up and she goes into her usual self victimization shpeel about how she was done this and that and that we should be grateful that she gave us the best. 
 

Being 23 years old now, and all of these events happening from the ages of 9 through 17, having to hear from your own mother that what I went through or experienced was made up hurts me so much and I’m left here feeling hollow and dried up from all my tears.

Edited February 16, 2023 by Sweet Sexy Savage

[Blue.]

[Outlaws]

um

 

[chaklux]

Sorry about what you are going through. Most parents aren't perfect and some unintentionally emotionally abuse their kids all in the names of parenting. I'm sure your mum has her good sides too and she probably tried her best to provide for you and compromise her dreams and life just for you. I'm not justifying her bad actions but in situations like this, you just try to remember all the good they've done and will still willing do if need be, and remembers they love you. 

I am not wishing you bad but if you suddenly have a terminal illness today, people in atrl won't be there to help, it's still your mum that will be there and will never get tired of being there. 

All the same, sorry dear. Much love. 

[liver]

so you're traumatized because Betty made you do your laundry? if anything, you sound like a spoiled brat who just discovered the concept 'generational trauma'

 

my advise to you is to remember that **** can always be worse and that others have it much harder than you 

 

be grateful for having a family, even if it's not perfect 

[Sweet Sexy Savage]

5 hours ago, liver said:

so you're traumatized because Betty made you do your laundry? if anything, you sound like a spoiled brat who just discovered the concept 'generational trauma'

 

my advise to you is to remember that **** can always be worse and that others have it much harder than you 

 

be grateful for having a family, even if it's not perfect 

Yeah **** can always be worst, like when your mom tells you you’re the reason they want to kill themselves at the age of 9. I don’t need love like that from a family member if what they’re giving me is draining my sanity. You don’t know the full story, but I really don’t wish anyone even someone I dislike, this amount of trauma and abuse. No human being deserves to be treated this way. 

Edited February 16, 2023 by Sweet Sexy Savage

[Sweet Sexy Savage]

6 hours ago, chaklux said:

Sorry about what you are going through. Most parents aren't perfect and some unintentionally emotionally abuse their kids all in the names of parenting. I'm sure your mum has her good sides too and she probably tried her best to provide for you and compromise her dreams and life just for you. I'm not justifying her bad actions but in situations like this, you just try to remember all the good they've done and will still willing do if need be, and remembers they love you. 

I am not wishing you bad but if you suddenly have a terminal illness today, people in atrl won't be there to help, it's still your mum that will be there and will never get tired of being there. 

All the same, sorry dear. Much love. 

Sorry to be replying this much but,
I’ve tried to have civil conversations with her about the impact her words have and dismissiveness/gaslighting, but she always uses things such as buying groceries and paying the insurance as arguments, but I refute these because I’m literally a working adult who is able to pay my bills and give her my share of the rent plus more just so she can build her home back in the Philippines with her boyfriend and live beyond her financial means.

Edited February 16, 2023 by Sweet Sexy Savage

[Sweet Sexy Savage]

6 hours ago, chaklux said:

Sorry about what you are going through. Most parents aren't perfect and some unintentionally emotionally abuse their kids all in the names of parenting. I'm sure your mum has her good sides too and she probably tried her best to provide for you and compromise her dreams and life just for you. I'm not justifying her bad actions but in situations like this, you just try to remember all the good they've done and will still willing do if need be, and remembers they love you. 

I am not wishing you bad but if you suddenly have a terminal illness today, people in atrl won't be there to help, it's still your mum that will be there and will never get tired of being there. 

All the same, sorry dear. Much love. 

She was never there for me growing up. It was really just me and my sister while we lived in constant fear with my mom during our adolescence. Any slight folding of blankets done wrong or whenever something inconvenient happens at work or her day, she was always ready to go home and to take it out on us, especially my older sister. 

[UnusualBoy]

It seems all three need to go therapy but if the enviroment is that toxic maybe your sister and you should move out for your mental health.

[terrorblade]

[Robert]

Unfortunately the best thing you can do is move out and keep her at arm’s length. She can still be part of your life but perhaps don’t let her too close. Is there a reason she is like this? Perhaps her own parents.

[Theshigo Washidu]

If you're not dependent on her, just cut her off and leave everything to the most high to deal with.

[naval23]

If you're dependent on her then there's not much you can do unfortunately until you move out - her house, her rules

 

I am sorry for what you're going through 

 

 

[Katamari]

On 2/16/2023 at 7:17 AM, liver said:

so you're traumatized because Betty made you do your laundry? if anything, you sound like a spoiled brat who just discovered the concept 'generational trauma'

 

my advise to you is to remember that **** can always be worse and that others have it much harder than you 

 

be grateful for having a family, even if it's not perfect 

i feel like ppl who say this haven't had to deal with shitty family members. There is nothing wrong with cutting off toxic family members

 

op you should go to raisedbynarcisst for better advice tbh

 

 

[Slap]

Trust your gut. Don’t listen to anyone on this shithole of a website. Maybe look up some resources about either nascissim or borderline personality disorder - I’m not saying that’s the case, you along with hopefully a supportive therapist you can trust can work that out together.

 

Take care, it can be extremely isolating dealing with a toxic family - as you can see from some of the ignorant comments in this thread from people unable to read subtext - those people haven’t worked out their own demons yet, so don’t listen to them and instead work on yours, it could be the kindest thing you do for yourself.  
 

 

[loveisdead9582]

I hate to hear that you’re going through this. I’ve had to deal with some **** from my parents before and over the years, I’ve been able to reconcile the following:

 

1) the people they were

2) the people they are

 

Im lucky. My parents have learned and grown and evolved into amazing people. They didn’t start that way, but they have grown and evolved into better individuals. I could hold every childhood trauma against them, or I can look at things objectively and realize that they have grown. They have learned. The parents I had 10-15 years ago wouldn’t be as accepting at the parents I have now. 
 

Dont be afraid to cut people off. Cutting off people who detrimentally influence your life is healthy. Leaving an open line of communication is also a healthy way of going about things. I realize that I have a very fortunate series of events here, but if I hadn’t cut my parents off for a while, they wouldn’t have grown and evolved into the people they are now. Now my parents are accepting. My siblings and I brought my mom to her first drag show. I introduced my dad to Drag Race. 
 

Ignorance because you haven’t been educated is one thing. Ignorance after you’ve been educated is another. Leave an opportunity for dialogue open. 

[MadonnasBoyfriend]

As you get older youll realize your mom is just some lady who tried her best