RunUpDoneUp Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 Don't do what society tells you, do what's best for you, even when it includes trying something to see if it fits. If you struggle with monogamy, open relationships might be the answer too. Human relationships have been reduced to tribal politics for the religious and that leads to a LOT of issues that people can't fix because of shame and hostility. Do not feel pressured or like you HAVE to engage with someone outside your preferred relationship style though.
Daddy Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 I feel like this won't go well for you if you're having this response. You can always try and maybe surprise you but open relationships are already lots of work for people that ARE into that. Good luck though!
youcallingmyname Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 13 hours ago, Illuminati said: Well for starters I don't think you will be having children with an online boyfriend sis but open relationships only work if both people are into it. Otherwise you will always feel cheated on or vice versa. It's why so many straights who try the open relationship or open marriage are really miserable because it's usually forced upon by one of the partners Sis we are already are talking about moving in together in the future. I am too naive tho so I could be being used. Idk.
Guest Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 13 hours ago, Illuminati said: Well for starters I don't think you will be having children with an online boyfriend sis but open relationships only work if both people are into it. Otherwise you will always feel cheated on or vice versa. It's why so many straights who try the open relationship or open marriage are really miserable because it's usually forced upon by one of the partners SPILLED!
Guest Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 2 hours ago, UnusualBoy said: It seems that it's not for you so don't force it or you'll get hurt. I for one think an open relationship is a excuse to ***** around without feeling bad about it and no ma'am, if you like or love me but want to **** other people too, you may as well find someone else because I'm not going through that... But also this ^
youcallingmyname Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 Omg I’m reading the responses and well, I’m not feeling GOOD. Yes, I know I’m stupid for falling for someone from a different country. I didn’t plan to, this guy is very encouraging and sweet, not to mention smart, cute and attractive. But I just got a bit carried away with putting my feelings out there to someone so far away. But I do feel like we could make it work and plan to see each other in the future. The only red flag is he wants to open up the relationship for sex, while also telling me he has a low sex drive. I also have little moments where I feel as if he doesn’t really like me. If you like someone you would try and talk to them as much as possible.
youcallingmyname Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 14 hours ago, Rotunda said: 1) how long have y’all been talking? 2) what is your past relationship history? Not for long sweetie! I fall fast and hard but he’s the one sending me love calls and wanting to see my face and voice but I think maybe it was a perfect illusion. Like, maybe he was more into me sexually and I caught feelings and he didn’t want to make me feel bad. but he did say he only wants the open relationship for sex and not all the time I already told him that I want to be the only man in his heart I guess this has to end though. I feel so bad and hopefully this doesn’t put me in my depression.
theweekend Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 The only issue is if we were to date, he asked what I feel about having an open relationship. I was always someone who fantasized of a monogamous relationship, the straight fairytale type of life. A kid or too, nice house, making have a bbq on the weekends and a low key vibe, maybe have a few friends over. you know you can have everything of this having an open relationship. I think you should try if you want to but before everything establish limits and commitments for both of you. y'all really need to know what's tolerable and what is not, then you can have fun. thinking about the sex and after being 8 years in a monogamous relationship, I think it really can be a game changer here.
PoisonPill Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 (edited) If you want full commitment and monogamy, then it's probably not a good idea for you to be in a relationship with someone who lives in a different country But... if you have strong feelings for the guy and really want to make it work, maybe consider adjusting your ground rules? For instance, being physically open but romantically closed while you are living in different countries - and make a plan to eventually live in the same place. If it's true love (and mutual), then it's worth it. Edited February 10, 2023 by PoisonPill
Oktober Knight Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 2 hours ago, youcallingmyname said: Omg I’m reading the responses and well, I’m not feeling GOOD. Yes, I know I’m stupid for falling for someone from a different country. I didn’t plan to, this guy is very encouraging and sweet, not to mention smart, cute and attractive. But I just got a bit carried away with putting my feelings out there to someone so far away. May I ask how far the distance in between you and him are? What country does he live in?
John Slayne Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 You need to realize the straight fantasy you've been sold does not work for most people. Even the straights, look at the divorce rates. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but from your post it sounds like your fantasy is a very romanticised version of what it's actually like to have a nuclear family and the work it requires to maintain it. If it is absolutely a deal-breaker for you, then don't do it of course, but I think alternative forms of love, relationships, and connection are worth considering.
youcallingmyname Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 30 minutes ago, Oktober Knight said: May I ask how far the distance in between you and him are? What country does he live in? 6700 miles
Oktober Knight Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 1 minute ago, youcallingmyname said: 6700 miles While long distance relationships have been known to work, it sounds like with you being uncomfortable having an open relationship and unsure of your guys' future status, it may be best to continue taking things slow and see where you end. Re-evaluate in a year or so.
youcallingmyname Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 5 minutes ago, John Slayne said: You need to realize the straight fantasy you've been sold does not work for most people. Even the straights, look at the divorce rates. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but from your post it sounds like your fantasy is a very romanticised version of what it's actually like to have a nuclear family and the work it requires to maintain it. If it is absolutely a deal-breaker for you, then don't do it of course, but I think alternative forms of love, relationships, and connection are worth considering. I’m opening myself up to the idea of an open relationship. I already know what would be the rules if it happened. they might be too restrictive or maybe I’m too naive to expect them to be followed 1. No dating or romantic gestures, it has to be purely sexual 2. No repeat hookups 3. We need to have regular sex 4.I don’t want to hear about details 5. I don’t want them to know anything about me or our relationship
youcallingmyname Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 2 minutes ago, Oktober Knight said: While long distance relationships have been known to work, it sounds like with you being uncomfortable having an open relationship and unsure of your guys' future status, it may be best to continue taking things slow and see where you end. Re-evaluate in a year or so. Yes. He’s been a bit distant from me so it might not even get to that point. I understand that he has these moments of wanting to be alone but it’s very hurtful not hearing from him. I’m going to try and calm myself down and try to take it slow. I have a lot other things that I need to focus on and he agrees that I shouldn’t rush anything. But when he brought up a future I did start fantasizing about it.
youcallingmyname Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 2 hours ago, PoisonPill said: If you want full commitment and monogamy, then it's probably not a good idea for you to be in a relationship with someone who lives in a different country But... if you have strong feelings for the guy and really want to make it work, maybe consider adjusting your ground rules? For instance, being physically open but romantically closed while you are living in different countries - and make a plan to eventually live in the same place. If it's true love (and mutual), then it's worth it. Thanks! I’m starting to be okay with the idea of an open relationship. We both have issues with depression but he likes to be alone when he’s feeling down. I need to discuss this with him. If I was to live with him how would it be when he’s in this dark place, will he ignore me? Idk this is all very premature but I do worry about it.
Oktober Knight Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 8 minutes ago, youcallingmyname said: Yes. He’s been a bit distant from me so it might not even get to that point. I understand that he has these moments of wanting to be alone but it’s very hurtful not hearing from him. I’m going to try and calm myself down and try to take it slow. I have a lot other things that I need to focus on and he agrees that I shouldn’t rush anything. But when he brought up a future I did start fantasizing about it. It does sound like he likes you. Is he older than you? Also are you sure he's not married or in another relationship already?
youcallingmyname Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 1 minute ago, Oktober Knight said: It does sound like he likes you. Is he older than you? Also are you sure he's not married or in another relationship already? He’s not, at least I trust him and think he’s being honest.I’m older than him by two years. He told me he’s never had a ltr, and the one guy he did sort of have one with they lived apart. Our last talk was about this(open) and then he woke up not feeling good and hasn’t really talked to me. I’m not sure if me saying I’m not comfortable made him rethink a possible future together. Im starting to feel worse about us as the hours go by. I’m honestly just expecting him to message that we should cool off for a bit and just be friends. It’s scary because the first guy I felt a connection with would do similar things. He would be on but not respond to things I’ve messaged. I’m starting notice all these red flags that I was blind to before. I’m going to message him to tell him that it’s not working out. I can’t let him be the one to do it as it would wreck me more.
Oktober Knight Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 3 minutes ago, youcallingmyname said: He’s not, at least I trust him and think he’s being honest.I’m older than him by two years. He told me he’s never had a ltr, and the one guy he did sort of have one with they lived apart. Our last talk was about this(open) and then he woke up not feeling good and hasn’t really talked to me. I’m not sure if me saying I’m not comfortable made him rethink a possible future together. Im starting to feel worse about us as the hours go by. I’m honestly just expecting him to message that we should cool off for a bit and just be friends. It’s scary because the first guy I felt a connection with would do similar things. He would be on but not respond to things I’ve messaged. I’m starting notice all these red flags that I was blind to before. I’m going to message him to tell him that it’s not working out. I can’t let him be the one to do it as it would wreck me more. Awwww I'm sorry, this sounds like a tough situation. I really hope you get some sort of closure soon.
youcallingmyname Posted February 10, 2023 Author Posted February 10, 2023 Just now, Oktober Knight said: Awwww I'm sorry, this sounds like a tough situation. I really hope you get some sort of closure soon. Thank you! It means a lot & thank you everyone else for your thoughtful responses.
Gyal Posted February 10, 2023 Posted February 10, 2023 (edited) i don't really see the point of it tbh? you might as well just f**k bc its practically the same thing just don't get too invested Edited February 10, 2023 by Gyal
CarCAL22 Posted February 11, 2023 Posted February 11, 2023 You guys havent even met and you're talking about an open relationship? Girl, ya'll need to meet first before ANYTHING is even discussed.
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