Alldeezy Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 Got a big slap of a cold (not sure if its covid yet) it's why I haven't been on!ย ย Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted November 4, 2022 Author Share Posted November 4, 2022 29 minutes ago, Allday said: Got a big slap of a cold (not sure if its covid yet) it's why I haven't been on!ย ย Oh no I hope you feel better soonย Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prisoner Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 Love the early reviews. Thank youย Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Augmented Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 Omg thank you so much @Euterpeย Also this has me cacklingย ย Typical me trying to over explain and justify something and then completely confusing someone. 6 hours ago, Euterpe said: I am going to ignore your comments section because it confused me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted November 4, 2022 Author Share Posted November 4, 2022 The songs of the Golden Hit Halloween Special: ย @XO_Life - Forget-Me-Nots @OreGuy - Campy Devil Fakers @Julia Fox - Revamp @StormFury - The Summoning @Speezy - Not Schizophrenic But I Have Symptoms @fountain - Killer Bees of the Zombie Strain; โConfettiโ // Streetlight Trypophobiaย @Prisoner - Mr. Death @Jackson - MINDCRAWLER @Augmented - What Am I? ย Let the reaping beginโฆ ย Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julia Fox Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 Thank you @Euterpeย I didnโt thought this song would be talk-y when I wrote it but now that you pointed out itโs make so much sense. It has kind of theatrical/musical vibe and I appreciate your observation since I didnโt even notice and gave the song a new life! Anyway glad you enjoyed it and kind of like it and understood what I was kind of wanting to conveyย Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XO_Life Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 14 hours ago, Euterpe said: ย EUTERPE, HORSEMAN OF WAR'S, REVIEWS ย ย ย Hide contents ย @XO_Life I appreciate how I used my fear of dying for this Halloween song, because I had shivers at the thought. I also had shivers reading this song. I was clutching my pearls (but not in the Remmy way). This was very well done, well written, and thought this did as it intended to. It really got my emotions out of me! ย ย @OreGuy First off, LOVE the song title name. Second, the bridge had me SCREAMING, like you went for that camp, and I was laughing hysterically. On the downside, the verse rhyme schemes didnโt really match up and the last line of the first verse didnโt hit me very well. Another brightside is that I really liked the chorus and post-chorus. Overall, I enjoyed reading this! ย ย @Julia Fox I really like that you chose a more freeform approach. I can really picture this as a talk-y singing type song with a dark atmospheric music video with a lot of intensity. Itโs not traditional, but thereโs a descriptive story with the feelings you wanted to convey, so I think you did what you wanted to do. Nice job! ย @StormFury The first verse was iffy, but after that, it shows that you got into a stride throughout the song, and I liked the storytelling of this. I donโt think itโs as bad as you think, so please be reassured! It was enjoyable. ย @Speezy This was definitely an interesting read. Verse two was my favorite part! Iโm not gonna lie, I wasnโt a fan of the chorus or post-chorus, but I think the song in general has potential, especially if more lines were added to give it more richness. Thank you for sharing your work! ย @fountain Okay, the TEMPLATE for these songs, whew! I like it! But also, you lost I fear, because I am averaging these two songs you wrote (I havenโt read them yet, soโฆ). Now that Iโm reading the first one, the cheese and knees are really getting me for some reason. There seemed to be some disjointed lines that didnโt work for me in the first two gold colored verses, but this was definitely a song that got its stride more after that first verse and got better every verse. I also commend the risk you took with your lines, because this is far from traditional and more steers as a narrative poem rather than a song. Your second song, which you said was more spoken word, was the stronger of the two in my opinion. There were some weaker lines, but also strong lines. The last third of it hit my emotions and was definitely the standpoint. I am glad you had enough inspiration to do two songs! Hope you had fun with them! ย ย @Prisoner This was very well done, and I do think the song did what you probably wanted it to do. I would say that my least favorite verses that seem not as well written compared to the rest of the song is the last labeled verse and first section of the outro. The last two stanzas were very strong and were probably my favorites of the piece. Iโm glad I got a chance to read your writing! ย ย @Jackson I am going to talk about the lyrics separately before commenting on production. The lyrics are solid, and โI know that I could never hide, From the monster my own mind designedโ was a highlight for me. I donโt really have much to comment on? Itโs a very solid song, and I really like the lyrics! The lyrics are very much my vibe. Now, let's talk about the production. Itโs a lyric competition, but you brought a budget, so youโll get invisible coins. Itโs a very well made production for the song and gives it a different edge than I was hearing in my head. I appreciated being able to hear it! Thank you! ย ย @Augmented I am going to ignore your comments section because it confused me. But this song is EXACTLY what I wanted, and it was perfectly written. *throws hands up* I have nothing else to say. Thank you for writing this; I wanted this during Halloween. ย Thank you! I hope you liked it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 54 minutes ago, fountain said: ย The songs of the Golden Hit Halloween Special: ย @XO_Life - Forget-Me-Nots @OreGuy - Campy Devil Fakers @Julia Fox - Revamp @StormFury - The Summoning @Speezy - Not Schizophrenic But I Have Symptoms @fountain - Killer Bees of the Zombie Strain; โConfettiโ // Streetlight Trypophobiaย @Prisoner - Mr. Death @Jackson - MINDCRAWLER @Augmented - What Am I? ย Let the reaping beginโฆ ย top 10 hit confirmed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 ย ย Hug, Horseman of Conquest's, Reviews ย https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_oFYQ0Dv_x6ULDflSwvHyjtIBz1o7XisA8wq7b_OjmQ/edit?usp=sharing ย @XO_Lifeย @OreGuyย @Julia Fox@StormFuryย @Speezyย @fountainย @Prisonerย @Jackson@Augmentedย ย Who conquered and who will become conquered? Only time may tell! ย Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted November 4, 2022 Author Share Posted November 4, 2022 47 minutes ago, Hug said: ย ย Hug, Horseman of Conquest's, Reviews ย https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_oFYQ0Dv_x6ULDflSwvHyjtIBz1o7XisA8wq7b_OjmQ/edit?usp=sharing ย @XO_Lifeย @OreGuyย @Julia Fox@StormFuryย @Speezyย @fountainย @Prisonerย @Jackson@Augmentedย ย Who conquered and who will become conquered? Only time may tell! ย Thank you Conquest ย I believe you are conquering my ailing heartย Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OreGuy Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, Hug said: ย ย Hug, Horseman of Conquest's, Reviews ย https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_oFYQ0Dv_x6ULDflSwvHyjtIBz1o7XisA8wq7b_OjmQ/edit?usp=sharing ย @XO_Lifeย @OreGuyย @Julia Fox@StormFuryย @Speezyย @fountainย @Prisonerย @Jackson@Augmentedย ย Who conquered and who will become conquered? Only time may tell! ย Thank you, Conquest ย i enjoy this review format, it's like I'm sentenced if I'm going to hell or notย Edited November 4, 2022 by OreGuy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prisoner Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 That format is creepyย ย Big thanks for the reviews though, I'm drowningย Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Legend E Posted November 6, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted November 6, 2022 ย Hi! Here you go! Don't drag my judging too hard or I'll kill you x ย XO_Life โ Forget-Me-Nots I think this is a very sad topic to write about, and I think you mostly did it successfully. I think the verses are the strongest points of this entry, describing quite well the gloom setting of being six feet under (aka the best TV series ever x). I think using the forget-me-nots in this song was clever. I quite like the chorus too; I think it showcases that desperation not to be forgotten quite well. I think the pre-chorus feels a bit extra for me, as in it doesnโt add that much to the song for me, perhaps I would have somehow included the repeated โforget-me-notsโ line in a rewritten prechorus. I am also not the biggest fan of the rhyme of โmoved onโ with โmoved onโ in the bridge. Also, pay attention to the small spelling mistakes (breath/breathe, to late/too late, etc.). Overall, I think this is a pretty nice entry, and well-fitting for this round, so nice job. ย ย OreGuy โ Campy Devil Fakers For some reason, I actually could see this being an absolute bop. I think you managed to construct a deep song about the shallowness of life and how many situations force us not to be our true selves. While I like the bridge, and definitely love the last few lines of it, I think it is a bit โforcedโ, but not in a lyrical sense, but in the fact that I donโt see it 100% fitting it, as I feel the verses themselves have a more serious/deep tone. But as I said, I think it adds to the campiness of the song. I think overall itโs a well-done entry, and I love this whole display of the afterlife you did here. Nice job! ย ย Julia Fox โ Revamp Yes sex bop! My only problem with this, and maybe this is a thing for sex bops usually, is that it can get a bit clichรฉ (e.g. โI just need to taste something/something so good/something so hotโ), and I also think the chorus (or post-chorus?) is a bit weak, with the revamp/vamp rhyme. But as it is meant to be quite a bop, I think this is not a huge negative. Of course, there are also plenty of positives, my favourite part being the Marry the Night-esque bridge (love love love โdaughter of the night/the moon is my guideโ), but also verse 2 is quite a highlight. Overall, a pretty good entry! ย ย StormFury โ The Summoning I think this is mostly nice songwriting, weโre definitely dealing with some beautiful descriptive images, which is quite impressive. I think this song does become, however, a bit confusing for me towards the end, as the focus changes from the โshe [who] arises from the cracksโ to a spirit whose โpower is unhinderedโ then to the writer himself. I donโt know if this was supposed to be a multitude of entities that were summoned or not (or perhaps the writer is the sum of all these entities somehow?). I donโt know but I also think this mystique aspect to this entry is quite nice. Well done! ย Speezy โ Not Schizophrenic But I Have Symptoms While I think there are some good ideas here, I feel this song looks unfinished. I think there is some beautiful writing about mental health and the desire to find your path and be ready for all your problems to end. I think with a bit of expansion on this song, it could really be a gem. I would also probably re-work the chorus, and maybe make the post-chorus the actual chorus. Also, watch out for the small grammar mistakes such as โa/an illusionโ, โmy mind lose/sโ. ย fountain โ When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right I really think these are two very strong entries, and I think they also show your versatility as a writer quite well, and I really like how different they are. I think my favourite moments in the first song were rather the sweet moments between the two lovers that were together part of this otherworldly experience, especially the ending. I love the little sprinkles of humour in the song as well, but also the creativity. I do, however, definitely think the second song is more up my alley, where I appreciate the antithesis between the worries pertaining to the fake world of GTA, and the worries of the real life. I once again love the sweet moments the most probably: โmy leg on hisโ/โYouโre here, and safe/And youโre utterly fineโ, but also the whole discourse about passing of time, which you can see through how much your cat has aged. Love โBecause when you start the song sheโll be there/But when the song is done, sheโll be goneโ. The only small issue I have is the switch between pronouns โhim/hisโ and โyouโ, as I think you are referring to the same person (unless you wanted to refer to the โhimโ in the game, but I donโt think so based on the โmy leg on hisโ line), however this is almost a no-problem, as I love how complex both of these songs are. Stunning job. ย ย Prisoner โ Mr. Death Yeah, this is an almost perfect entry for me. The apparent simplicity that does however captures so much sadness, starting from the first verse which I feel is about losing yourself for the sake of doing what others/society wants you to do, to the second verse hinting on abuse, and the last verse and outro finishing with the writer flirting with death, I absolutely love that you hint of it at the beginning of this third verse, then it gets a bit mysterious and then you finish the song with that last line! My only small complaint would be that I think the chorus is a bit weak, but I donโt think it takes away from the quality of this very much. Great job! ย ย Jackson โ MINDCRAWLER Okay, so I didnโt read yet, but the only comment on your Soundcloud link sends meโฆanyways, let me read/listen! First of all, that drop after the first chorus, slay us a bit with those production choices! If I had read only the lyrics though, I would feel this is a little bit incomplete, however, you clearly proved it is not the case. I think the verses are the biggest highlight here: โYou build a castle from my fright and fearโ, โBut you hunt me just to feel the thrillโ, but I love the whole thing pretty much. Nice job! ย ย Augmented โ What Am I? The thing I love the most about this entry is the imagery you create with this summoning; it does indeed convey quite well the Halloween vibes. I like the story telling very well, I just think that the first time the chorus shows up itโs a bit out of place, as the demon was not really introduced yet. Besides, the pre-chorus I donโt see this to be very sexual, so itโs good that you hinted to that in your โother infoโ section, because I think it gives the song another vibe. Overall, I think itโs a pretty good entry. I think I mostly criticized choruses in the previous entries, however in your song, I think itโs my favourite part. Overall, a nice entry! ย @XO_Lifeย @OreGuyย @Julia Foxย @StormFuryย @Speezyย @fountainย @Prisonerย @Jacksonย @Augmented Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted November 6, 2022 Author Share Posted November 6, 2022 29 minutes ago, Legend E said: ย ย 29 minutes ago, Legend E said: fountain โ When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right ย 29 minutes ago, Legend E said: I really think these are two very strong entries, and I think they also show your versatility as a writer quite well, and I really like how different they are. I think my favourite moments in the first song were rather the sweet moments between the two lovers that were together part of this otherworldly experience, especially the ending. I love the little sprinkles of humour in the song as well, but also the creativity. I do, however, definitely think the second song is more up my alley, where I appreciate the antithesis between the worries pertaining to the fake world of GTA, and the worries of the real life. I once again love the sweet moments the most probably: โmy leg on hisโ/โYouโre here, and safe/And youโre utterly fineโ, but also the whole discourse about passing of time, which you can see through how much your cat has aged. Love โBecause when you start the song sheโll be there/But when the song is done, sheโll be goneโ. The only small issue I have is the switch between pronouns โhim/hisโ and โyouโ, as I think you are referring to the same person (unless you wanted to refer to the โhimโ in the game, but I donโt think so based on the โmy leg on hisโ line), however this is almost a no-problem, as I love how complex both of these songs are. Stunning job. Thank you, sweet Death Just to explain with the pronouns in Streetlight Trypophobia, the narrator is basically talking to / commenting on themself, and their own life, so any mention of โyouโ is in regards to themself and โheโ is in reference to the boyfriend, but also the โIโ parts are coming from the narrators perspective tooโฆ if that makes senseย ย it was all meant to be about me, lol. I definitely can see how switching between the two could cause a bit of a mix up, I think the idea when writing was for the shift between the first person and second person language to have the effect that the โyouโ parts are supposed to feel more distant and observing, while the โIโ bits are meant to be more personal and confessional, but both coming from and about the same person, just different sides I think. It probably would make more sense if it was written all one way over both and I didnโt realise it could make it seem like it was about another person instead of all one so this is definitely valid feedback Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prisoner Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 Love reading these reviews. Thank youย ย Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Legend E Posted November 6, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted November 6, 2022 9 minutes ago, fountain said: ย ย Thank you, sweet Death Just to explain with the pronouns in Streetlight Trypophobia, the narrator is basically talking to / commenting on themself, and their own life, so any mention of โyouโ is in regards to themself and โheโ is in reference to the boyfriend, but also the โIโ parts are coming from the narrators perspective tooโฆ if that makes senseย ย it was all meant to be about me, lol. I definitely can see how switching between the two could cause a bit of a mix up, I think the idea when writing was for the shift between the first person and second person language to have the effect that the โyouโ parts are supposed to feel more distant and observing, while the โIโ bits are meant to be more personal and confessional, but both coming from and about the same person, just different sides I think. It probably would make more sense if it was written all one way over both and I didnโt realise it could make it seem like it was about another person instead of all one so this is definitely valid feedback Rereading it, it makes sense for the narrator to be both "I" and "you"; maybe that's what confused me then, rather than the "you" and "him" more? dvfddgv; i don't know, but I think it's a nice touch of the distant vs confessional lines then Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted November 6, 2022 Share Posted November 6, 2022 thank you @Hugย and @Legend Eย - happy to hear you both liked itย Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OreGuy Posted November 7, 2022 Share Posted November 7, 2022 19 hours ago, Legend E said: ย Hi! Here you go! Don't drag my judging too hard or I'll kill you x ย ย ย Reveal hidden contents ย ย XO_Life โ Forget-Me-Nots I think this is a very sad topic to write about, and I think you mostly did it successfully. I think the verses are the strongest points of this entry, describing quite well the gloom setting of being six feet under (aka the best TV series ever x). I think using the forget-me-nots in this song was clever. I quite like the chorus too; I think it showcases that desperation not to be forgotten quite well. I think the pre-chorus feels a bit extra for me, as in it doesnโt add that much to the song for me, perhaps I would have somehow included the repeated โforget-me-notsโ line in a rewritten prechorus. I am also not the biggest fan of the rhyme of โmoved onโ with โmoved onโ in the bridge. Also, pay attention to the small spelling mistakes (breath/breathe, to late/too late, etc.). Overall, I think this is a pretty nice entry, and well-fitting for this round, so nice job. ย ย OreGuy โ Campy Devil Fakers For some reason, I actually could see this being an absolute bop. I think you managed to construct a deep song about the shallowness of life and how many situations force us not to be our true selves. While I like the bridge, and definitely love the last few lines of it, I think it is a bit โforcedโ, but not in a lyrical sense, but in the fact that I donโt see it 100% fitting it, as I feel the verses themselves have a more serious/deep tone. But as I said, I think it adds to the campiness of the song. I think overall itโs a well-done entry, and I love this whole display of the afterlife you did here. Nice job! ย ย Julia Fox โ Revamp Yes sex bop! My only problem with this, and maybe this is a thing for sex bops usually, is that it can get a bit clichรฉ (e.g. โI just need to taste something/something so good/something so hotโ), and I also think the chorus (or post-chorus?) is a bit weak, with the revamp/vamp rhyme. But as it is meant to be quite a bop, I think this is not a huge negative. Of course, there are also plenty of positives, my favourite part being the Marry the Night-esque bridge (love love love โdaughter of the night/the moon is my guideโ), but also verse 2 is quite a highlight. Overall, a pretty good entry! ย ย StormFury โ The Summoning I think this is mostly nice songwriting, weโre definitely dealing with some beautiful descriptive images, which is quite impressive. I think this song does become, however, a bit confusing for me towards the end, as the focus changes from the โshe [who] arises from the cracksโ to a spirit whose โpower is unhinderedโ then to the writer himself. I donโt know if this was supposed to be a multitude of entities that were summoned or not (or perhaps the writer is the sum of all these entities somehow?). I donโt know but I also think this mystique aspect to this entry is quite nice. Well done! ย Speezy โ Not Schizophrenic But I Have Symptoms While I think there are some good ideas here, I feel this song looks unfinished. I think there is some beautiful writing about mental health and the desire to find your path and be ready for all your problems to end. I think with a bit of expansion on this song, it could really be a gem. I would also probably re-work the chorus, and maybe make the post-chorus the actual chorus. Also, watch out for the small grammar mistakes such as โa/an illusionโ, โmy mind lose/sโ. ย fountain โ When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right I really think these are two very strong entries, and I think they also show your versatility as a writer quite well, and I really like how different they are. I think my favourite moments in the first song were rather the sweet moments between the two lovers that were together part of this otherworldly experience, especially the ending. I love the little sprinkles of humour in the song as well, but also the creativity. I do, however, definitely think the second song is more up my alley, where I appreciate the antithesis between the worries pertaining to the fake world of GTA, and the worries of the real life. I once again love the sweet moments the most probably: โmy leg on hisโ/โYouโre here, and safe/And youโre utterly fineโ, but also the whole discourse about passing of time, which you can see through how much your cat has aged. Love โBecause when you start the song sheโll be there/But when the song is done, sheโll be goneโ. The only small issue I have is the switch between pronouns โhim/hisโ and โyouโ, as I think you are referring to the same person (unless you wanted to refer to the โhimโ in the game, but I donโt think so based on the โmy leg on hisโ line), however this is almost a no-problem, as I love how complex both of these songs are. Stunning job. ย ย Prisoner โ Mr. Death Yeah, this is an almost perfect entry for me. The apparent simplicity that does however captures so much sadness, starting from the first verse which I feel is about losing yourself for the sake of doing what others/society wants you to do, to the second verse hinting on abuse, and the last verse and outro finishing with the writer flirting with death, I absolutely love that you hint of it at the beginning of this third verse, then it gets a bit mysterious and then you finish the song with that last line! My only small complaint would be that I think the chorus is a bit weak, but I donโt think it takes away from the quality of this very much. Great job! ย ย Jackson โ MINDCRAWLER Okay, so I didnโt read yet, but the only comment on your Soundcloud link sends meโฆanyways, let me read/listen! First of all, that drop after the first chorus, slay us a bit with those production choices! If I had read only the lyrics though, I would feel this is a little bit incomplete, however, you clearly proved it is not the case. I think the verses are the biggest highlight here: โYou build a castle from my fright and fearโ, โBut you hunt me just to feel the thrillโ, but I love the whole thing pretty much. Nice job! ย ย Augmented โ What Am I? The thing I love the most about this entry is the imagery you create with this summoning; it does indeed convey quite well the Halloween vibes. I like the story telling very well, I just think that the first time the chorus shows up itโs a bit out of place, as the demon was not really introduced yet. Besides, the pre-chorus I donโt see this to be very sexual, so itโs good that you hinted to that in your โother infoโ section, because I think it gives the song another vibe. Overall, I think itโs a pretty good entry. I think I mostly criticized choruses in the previous entries, however in your song, I think itโs my favourite part. Overall, a nice entry! ย ย ย ย @XO_Lifeย @OreGuyย @Julia Foxย @StormFuryย @Speezyย @fountainย @Prisonerย @Jacksonย @Augmented Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Element Posted November 7, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted November 7, 2022 oh hey x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Element Posted November 7, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted November 7, 2022 how are we all doing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Element Posted November 7, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted November 7, 2022 x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Element Posted November 7, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted November 7, 2022 x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted November 7, 2022 Author Share Posted November 7, 2022 Omg is this what I think it is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Element Posted November 7, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted November 7, 2022 ย Element's Reviews (Famine) Surprised? Me too! Enjoy this miserable feast of words. ย ย @XO_Life - Forget-Me-Nots What a haunting piece of poetry! You strongly captured the gloomy essence of desperation and hopelessness faced by the narrator. The verses were quite effective at setting the scene. In both verses, you did a great job of creating a rhythmic framing with the first line (โpitch black, a moonless sky/eternal black, a starless skyโ) and the final line (โforget-me-nots longโฆโ). I found that the middle section of each verse didnโt really convey a consistent structure. The pre-chorus and chorus were a bit less descriptive, but I felt like the rhythm was easier to follow in those sections. In the future, you have a great opportunity to work on merging vivid imagery with a defined rhythm and strong structure. @OreGuy - Campy Devil Fakers You did a good job of displaying the intended tempo, especially in the chorus/post-chorus. The verses were interesting and thought-provoking as well. A few of the verse lines felt a bit clunky โ โfallacy of an intimacyโ was a bit forced, and so was โsugar-coated dream is the truest goal for anyoneโ. The bridge is avant-garde and so fun to envision. I truly havenโt read anything like that before but I very much appreciated the campy chaos of it. Very fun and creative way of depicting the afterlife all around! @Julia Fox - Revamp You did a lovely job at building up the characterization of the sexy vampire and their experiences/desires/etc. The first verse had a strong rhythm to it, but the second verse was a bit murky in comparison. The chorus of this has a really awesome potential to be a pop-rock bop tbh. The post-chorus felt like a moment to shine, but could have been expanded a bit more. The bridge was also pretty cool โ succinct and a fun buildup to the climax. Nice job! So hot x @StormFury - The Summoning Wow, this was so intense and well-written. You have such a powerful way of taking a snapshot of a single scene and extrapolating it into a dramatic and beautiful depiction. The ominous atmosphere was prevalent and vivid. There was a clear rhythm and syncopation throughout each verse (except maybe the final one). I thought the length was perfect; I was fully engrossed without feeling like the song went on too long. One thing that I also noted was how well you refreshed and captured our attention at the start of every verse. Those leading lyrics were instant and action-packed to draw us in. Great job! ย @Speezy - Not Schizophrenic But I Have Symptoms Definitely agree with some of the other judges that this was an interesting concept, but needed some more time to be fleshed out. The chorus especially felt a bit too sparse and had a few unexpected lyrical choices โ (1) โmy mental broke along the wayโ could have evolved into โmentally broken on the wayโ or โmental breakdown on the wayโ. (2) โif my mind lose the fightโ could work better as โif my mind loses the fightโ or โwhen my mind loses the fightโ You did a nice job of capturing the concerns and confusion of the narrator. Demons running around their heels and blood running down their cheeks? Powerful. I think the verses were the strongest examples of your idea taking life. @fountain - Killer Bees of the Zombie Strain; โConfettiโ // Streetlight Trypophobia Such a special treat getting to read your work โ and twice over! Both of these entries have such a unique voice and tone. Killer Bees of the Zombie Strain is incredibly creative and is honestly giving plotline for a short film. The ending is Machiavellian campโฆ we love twists and turns! I love the balance of fantasy with comedy, and light with darkness. You did a wonderful job with the imagery and of course the rhyme scheme. I was hooked throughout and quite impressed with the amount of different monsters and costumes that you integrated seamlessly into the scenes. This might be my fave of the two (very slightly tho because both slay). I was impressed with the ambitious nature of Streetlight Trypophobia and how effectively you tied it all together. You successfully integrated doubt, anxiety, and fear about the present/future into the frightening atmosphere of Halloween. It really gets you thinking about Halloween from this reflective and almost Socratic standpoint. Nature is dying all around us and we are indeed part of that cycle. Itโs totally understandable to feel that way. As a trypophobia sufferer myself, the connection there was really powerful + you hit the nail on the head about the disturbing (and borderline irrational) aspect of it. Thank you for entrusting such a personal entry with us! @Prisoner - Mr. Death The verses of this song were very engaging and had an excellent rhythm and rhyme scheme. Some of my favorite lines were the starting lines in each verse โย โI stood on a balcony waiting for deathโ // โDanced my way into a maze of miseryโ // โSo I flirted with Death in a hotel lobbyโ โ all of these captured my attention and kept me intrigued. You wove in the emotions very well and supplemented it with vivid natural imageryโฆ you could hear feel the cold western winds, for example. I felt every note of pain, sorrow, and regret. I liked the chorus conceptually, but almost wonder if it could have worked better as a pre-chorus leading into something even more explosive? Itโs very quick. Hmm Iโm tornโฆ the verses were so stunning on their own that maybe it was better to focus on simplicity in the chorus. @Jackson - MINDCRAWLER First of all, thank you for sharing this fully produced bop! I thoroughly enjoyed the melody and production. You captured the spooky Halloween vibe perfectly. This is a very catchy and effective electropop song. Letโs talk lyricsโฆ Another โmaze of miseryโ? Iโm gagged. I love that lyric from both you and Prisoner. The first verse has some of my favorite lyrics in the song, which excellently create the ominous feeling and imagery needed to set the scene โ my top 2 are โyour peril lives in the peripheryโ and โyour crimson grimace beckons meโ. I have to admit that the lines in the second verse felt a tad generic, especially since Iโve seen your creative lyricism before and it usually feels a bit more quirky. I also loved the pre-choruses! They might have been short, but they were super effective in transitioning to the chorus. The chorus was also quite strong in capturing the dreadful nature of mental health disorders that can plague us. Great work! @Augmented - What Am I? Your gay Thriller era whew. I really enjoyed this. Conceptually, it captures the dark side of Halloween perfectly. The essence of the occult mixed with lust and power is a great way to represent the challenge. The chorus is an interesting read โ I like how the narrative voice shifts from third person in the verses to second person in the hook. It makes the realization of the ritual even more potent. Like this is not just a story that we are witnessing from a distance with no stakesโฆ we have a connection to the summonerโฆ and thereโs real blame and ownership here on his part. We are meant to feel some mix of judgement and/or pity for him. The bridge and outro really tied everything together quite nicely for me. I loved the mix of dialogue with the vivid description of what happened next. Awesome job! ย ย ย ย ย Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted November 7, 2022 Author Share Posted November 7, 2022 3 minutes ago, Element said: @fountain - Killer Bees of the Zombie Strain; โConfettiโ // Streetlight Trypophobia Such a special treat getting to read your work โ and twice over! Both of these entries have such a unique voice and tone. Killer Bees of the Zombie Strain is incredibly creative and is honestly giving plotline for a short film. The ending is Machiavellian campโฆ we love twists and turns! I love the balance of fantasy with comedy, and light with darkness. You did a wonderful job with the imagery and of course the rhyme scheme. I was hooked throughout and quite impressed with the amount of different monsters and costumes that you integrated seamlessly into the scenes. This might be my fave of the two (very slightly tho because both slay). I was impressed with the ambitious nature of Streetlight Trypophobia and how effectively you tied it all together. You successfully integrated doubt, anxiety, and fear about the present/future into the frightening atmosphere of Halloween. It really gets you thinking about Halloween from this reflective and almost Socratic standpoint. Nature is dying all around us and we are indeed part of that cycle. Itโs totally understandable to feel that way. As a trypophobia sufferer myself, the connection there was really powerful + you hit the nail on the head about the disturbing (and borderline irrational) aspect of it. Thank you for entrusting such a personal entry with us! Thank you so much ย the famine is over, and you definitely delivered; your reviews look fantastic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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