tournament Golden Hit: Season 2 📀 Congratulations Hug! 🏆

[Julia Fox]

@Aurora thank you! It would be an honor if Audrey decides “vintage” to be a single  it was a really easy write, I mean it was written in like 5 minutes and I was afraid because i find it too simple but glad it payed off tbh  so happy 

[fountain]

Hey everybody! The results show for Round 2 will be taking place tonight at 8pm eastern time with yours truly. This is about 9 hours from this post, and results themselves should last for roughly an hour.

 

Hope you can be there to see the scores and ranking for the round; which former BLACKGOLD member will end up having the most promising solo debut? Find out in a few hours! 

 

Here's a countdown to when results will be starting, so you can see when it will be in your own time zone:

https://www.timeanddate.com/countdown/birthday?iso=20220904T20&p0=179&msg=Golden+Hit+S2+Round+2+Results&font=cursive

 

Looking forward to it! 

 

@hurricane326 @Julia Fox @XO_Life @Hug @beatinglikeadrum @Euterpe @Better Mistakes @Kylie Jenner @JoeAg @worldwide angel @Augmented @Temporal @Achilles. @Legend E @TruGemini

[Legend E]

whew a bit nervous  

[Better Mistakes]

My song for the tree round is titled: Professor Oak

 

[XO_Life]

Old Oak Tree

 

A little teaser:

 

"The old oak tree, once had feathers, colored in permanent green, or so I believed, green just like your eyes, I was staring into all night"

 

 

[Julia Fox]

"Coconut Tree"

 

seed me with your succulent juice 

let me taste the sun on my tooth 

cause baby I like when I put it hot

cause even if we are here in autumn

summer always arrive when we boom boom

 

 

 

 

[fountain]

The multiple teasers not even 24 hours after the challenge was posted

[fountain]

 

Round 2: The Girl Group Challenge, Part 3

flop edition #2 (Aria Thurney, Diana Diamond, Audrey Onyx)

 

@Kylie Jenner - Big Girl (Bang Bang)

Let me start with discussing the soundcloud link, omg truly a bop tbh! Porter Robinson who? Go off vocaloid. This was genuinely very fun to listen to and the song really is catchy, it’s catchiness is probably the most distinct feature I get from it so in that way I would probably say it feels somewhat more fitting for Diana Diamond to me, but that’s subjective I suppose. The bang bang a bang part really gives me kpop hook vibes, and I can’t say how long that’s going to be stuck in my head :rip:. Lyrically, I like that you went for a feminist theme, but it did feel quite juvenile (especially with the title “big girl”) and not as nuanced as it could have been, specifically with Aria Thurney as the chosen artist, so I think that was a bit of a miss. I think the ideas are there, and the sensibility for a catchy song is certainly there, but the lyrics could have been taken further. In comparison to your last entry the writing honestly wasn’t as strong, but I don’t think that was your aim in particular with this song, and you’ve already proven that you can serve good lyrical content from your last entry, so I don’t think it’s that big of a deal; since we’ve have two differing songs from you thus far i'm interested in seeing what way you go next, but my advice would be to just try and ensure that the writing is always top notch even if going for a more fun song, the lyricism can still be there and doesn’t have to be traded for catchiness. 

 

@JoeAg - Nightlife Empress

Stan Kesha! Instant 10 from me.

I don’t know if it’s because you mentioned her for your token request, but when reading this I tried to imagine her singing it, and I certainly could, so in that way I would definitely say you have succeeded in the challenge and written something fitting for a pop star like Diana Diamond. This song has a great, fun and playful nighttime vibe to it, with the singer having nice cheeky moments throughout the song which give it a good energy. I think this is an interesting take for you, because I definitely know you more for your more internal, thoughtful and nuanced lyrics. It’s nice to see your more fun and carefree side to it, and this shows some versatility as a writer - and of course it’s very fitting for the challenge - however I would say that on a personal level I resonate more with your more unique and personal style. Overall I think this is a good entry, there’s nothing really to fault it for and it’s a spot on interpretation of Diana Diamond, it’s nice to see this coy and irreverent side however it’s obviously not your most poignant song or the one that would show off your writing skills the best, and I’m sure you’d probably agree with that too; but, not every song has to be that.

 

@Augmented - Rule the Game

Honestly I would have to agree that this does feel a little cobbled together. I think it’s an interesting and fitting premise, but I don’t think it really goes far enough, both in its concept and its lyrical execution. Picking Aria gives you a good chance to write an interesting song about her discontent with the group, and I like that you chose this theme, but the overall concept of just using the metaphor of fame being like a game is quite standard and unoriginal, which isn’t necessarily bad itself if the song is written in an interesting way or with a unique twist, but similarly to the concept being quite middle ground I felt the writing was too. In the past we’ve seen some highly emotive and personal writing from you, and unfortunately this song just didn’t live up to the highs of those, throughout I don’t think there are any specific standout lyrics that are hard hitting or memorable which is why I agree with you saying it feels cobbled together, and this was one of the descriptors for what Aria was looking for so it’s a bit of a miss. Overall I think that the idea and the intention was there, it’s just that the execution didn’t work out, but it’s inevitable that this happens sometimes with any writer. Unfortunately this is not your strongest, but we already know you to be a great writer, so I can only assume that you’ll bounce back next round.

 

@Temporal - In Spades

In a bit of bad luck there ended up already being 2 other songs revolving around game metaphors for Aria, so by now the concept definitely feels beaten to death and not exactly original (which was part of what Aria wanted). Instead of just criticising the concept though, luckily I can say that it is the writing that sticks out to me more here. I think even though it’s an idea that we’ve seen multiple times now, your writing is still strong throughout the song, which makes this case more redeemable. I also think it’s quite fitting that you overall went for a more confident style in the lyrics, as I think this matches well with what I understand of Aria’s personality, and pairs well with the vision you had of this being a very statement piece single along the likes of songs like Look What You Made Me Do or Gimme More. I will say though, it does feel a little short - and maybe this was you trying to write to a pop song formula - but I felt it could’ve been taken further and that the concept could’ve been more developed; and if it had been perhaps it could’ve ended up appearing more unique by the end of it, if you could have explored different areas throughout the song. In particular I’m referring to the second verse and bridge which are both very short at only 4 lines each, and this was a similar case with your first entry. Personally I don’t really believe in the idea of “less is more”, for me more is more, and I’m always happy to see a longer song submitted where we can get more of an opportunity to explore ideas and be impressed by somebody’s write, as opposed to a song that feels cut short to fit a formula; so my advice to your for the future would be to try and submit something more fleshed out and longer, or perhaps we’ll have to bring the ATWTV10MVFTV challenge back again (writing a song over 500 words). Overall I think this is a good entry, while the concept isn’t super enticing your writing makes up for it somewhat, but it would be nice to see a bit more of it I think.

 

@Achilles. - Good Enough for Me

I think this is a fine song but it misses the mark in its interpretation of the challenge. I think the main aspiration for Aria Thurney’s music was that it was supposed to explore novel concepts, and an empowerment breakup song is obviously the exact opposite of novel. That said, I like the song. I think it’s a good exploration of what it feels like to lack control and to be losing something, and this is evident and discussed nicely through the alternate choruses. The story feels complete too, and comes together very nicely with the bridge and the final chorus, where she comes to the realisation that she should be more focused on making things good enough for her, and not for somebody else; quite commonly in this game I’ve noticed that people submit songs where the story doesn’t really go anywhere, it’s a look at a specific moment and a snapshot of somebody’s life, yet it never explores anything that happened before or afterwards so lacks context, to me when writing songs with a strong narrative it’s important to remember that stories are made up, importantly, of beginning, middle, and end, and if you’re writing a song that offers only one of these perspectives then, at least for me, it feels like I’m missing something, but in this case of this song I felt you helped make it quite well rounded with that final chorus and the bridge and illusions to the past throughout, and I guess this is just a pointer if you choose to write similar story focused songs in the future that this is something I appreciated and typically look for in these type of songs. Overall while I think you missed the mark challenge wise, this is a strong song in itself and another good entry from you.

 

@TruGemini - Little White Lie

When I think about it, Diana was the perfect choice for you, which I hadn’t even considered, since your writing is just so full of rhythm that it’s hard for it not to jump off the page, and I think this fits with what Diana’s aim was with very catchy, melodic music. It’s definitely a more thoughtful take on Diana as opposed to “lemme write a pop banger” which seemed to be as far as others went, and I definitely appreciate your effort in trying to make the song not be one note, and I would personally say you achieved the challenge well. Lyrically I think it’s good, I like that you tried to tell this cheating and blackmailing story but for me the narrative could’ve used expanding more, while the song explores how the person is feeling about this situation very well, it doesn’t actually explore the situation itself that much (by which I mean, we hear a lot about how this person is feeling in the aftermath of this, but we don’t actually hear about what happened between them all, if that makes sense, which I think would’ve made the song overall stronger if it had more of this context and set up for these feelings). Ultimately I think this is another good entry for you, fitting for the challenge and an interesting concept, but lyrically not the strongest that we’ve seen from you.

[fountain]

and that's all my reviews done! see you in 5 hours for results 

[Aurora]

Good luck with R2 results y'all! fountain will be hosting them at approximately 8PM EST. This result definitely will not have been a unanimous decision as there are many strong differences of opinion regarding our gurls...
 

 

[8thPrince]

Alright then! All your reviews are here for your convenience, sorry for the wait. I hope it comes across that I'm trying to focus on springboarding directions for the next song, rather than trying to edit what you've already turned in. I do admit this was a slightly weaker week than last one, to me, but please be aware your score might not correspond to the feel of your review! Feel free to use/ignore what you wish from them.

 

Audrey Onx

 

 

Beatinglikeadrum - Running away from the sun

 

Does it fit Audrey? I think so, I can tell the angle you were going for was to write a song that served as introspective storytelling about her experiences with fame, which matches the authenticity that was asked for.

 

Based solely off the song: There’s a common criticism in these sorts of songwriting games about when songs start sounding less like something that could be sung and more like poems. I do feel this veered one step farther into “this is prose” territory. I’m attributing that to the very long lines with full sentences and no rhyme scheme in almost every section of the song bar the second verse. While I think great work can come out of breaking songwriting conventions, some of the rules work in tandem to help the reader to stay engaged (Such as rhyme scheme, meter, and even the contour of a song, ie how lyrically dense/sparse it is in various sections.). This song is now all one loooooong procession of full sentences with very few couplets, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I felt restless reading it, and didn’t really grab onto much. There’s some great imagery here, such as the “ocean’s arms” image, but there’s a lot of fat surrounding it. I’d challenge you for the next song to try and set up your images with fewer words, to see if you feel like that increases the potency of the imagery you’re setting up.

 

Julia Fox - vintage

 

Does it fit Audrey? I could see you spinning this as being a recounting of a specific relationship of Audrey’s! It has a lot of detail baked into it where I see it actually being about someone real, so I think it matches the vulnerability Audrey was looking for.

 

Based solely off the song: Usually I am not a stickler for typos and won’t mention them at all because I can suss out the meaning, but here there were a lot of typos that actually impacted the reading experience/made me confused. Make sure to edit after giving your eyes a rest so you're certain what you wrote down matches what you composed in your head!

 

While I like the brevity the “prechorus” provides (“Till it wasn’t”), I do feel like at some point we needed more detail on what soured this relationship. Right now it just feels like a switch is flipped, and I think it’d add a new dimension to your piece to have a bridge devoted to an explanation of what caused the relationship to fall apart. I liked the third line, “Wrapped your hands around me like I was a gift”, it’s an interesting simile and I think it helps highlight the possessive nature of the song’s subject, I’d like more environmental details like that, and I think it might be a good exercise for you to try implying the personalities of characters in your future songs via metaphors and similes like that.
 

 

Diana Diamond

 

 

XO_Life - Drink That Up

 

Does it fit Diana? I definitely agree that it does give commercial vibes, but I think it reminds me of 2009-2012s club pop. Not a bad thing at all (As this was when Katy was still successful!), but I’ll touch on this more in the second section. I do think it misses the mark about colorful metaphors and imagery, however.

 

Based solely off the song: I do like how you know your strengths and picked the member with the most pop appeal, but I must admit this is lyrically weak. That era of club pop was criticized for its generic nature, and I did find this generic, like it could have been a song already released by twenty artists from that era. It’s missing the novel lines that I liked in your first song, and is narratively stagnant. Each section has some sort of reference to drinking, which won’t make your song stand out. I think there’s a way you can make a song about partying and drinking interesting, but you have to have ups and downs in the song’s story, and state old sentiments in new and interesting ways via use of unique imagery. I’d challenge you to start with a central story with the basic parts (intro, rising action, climax, resolution), and then relate that to an image that can stand for that story. I think your first entry definitely showed you can cook up something interesting like that.

 

JoeAg - Nightlife Empress

 

Does it fit Diana? You know, I got Dua Lipa Levitating vibes, so I think it works for Diana! Definitely can see the colorful imagery here and the song does feel fun.

 

Based solely off the song: This piece had a lot of color and pop, it’s very different from your first song, showcasing that you’re clearly a versatile writer. I like how you still blended parts of your style into this new concept. Do I think some of the imagery is a little highbrow for what Diana is going for? Yes, but I do think it contributed to making the song stand out from your classic “love in the club” anthem. I would suggest making sure all your word choice is balanced with your tone in the future: The serial killer line–while it definitely could work in a grittier club song!–is too gritty for what otherwise was a glittery and fun song.

 

TruGemini - Little White Lie

 

Does it fit Diana? I don’t really think so, the brief was looking for fun, color, brightness, etc. and this is very much in the opposite direction. I don’t sense commercial smash from this, and I think the idea of a dual perspective, while interesting, doesn’t work for a solo star’s debut.

 

Based solely off the song: I think this was really ambitious and a neat idea, but I do have to say I did not understand there were two perspectives upon first read, which is really important for this type of dual perspective. I think the use of the pronoun “her” in the second verse (Which I assume is about the wife, not the mistress?) also compounds that sense of confusion. I love the idea of the mistress looming over the man, but the constant string of parentheticals don’t really translate well into a written medium. That said, I really liked the verse from the perspective of the woman. While I would suggest playing with formatting to not make the lines so long in the future, it was very tight meter wise, and I think that was the section that best matched the fun and colorful vibe Diana is going for.
 

 

Yin Yin

Eutrepe - Five Stages

 

Does if fit Yin Yin? I think so! It definitely comes across as a reflection on her time in the group. This was also one of the only songs this round to incorporate the girls’ personal backgrounds, so kudos for thinking outside the box.

 

Based solely off the song: I really like the line “I was bubbling underfoot/Ready to explode”. Something about the image of being looked over/stepped upon, but having latent potential is very fascinating. I like how you used the five stages model to lay a framework for your song and ensure you had a narrative that allowed the song to evolve throughout its runtime. One thing I would’ve liked to see is a more emotional bent. A lot of the song is propped up via questions and metaphor, and that can put up an emotional wall that doesn’t allow readers to fully connect. For being about the five stages of grief, while that did provide structure, I felt like it glossed over the intensity of each emotion. Thematically, it still works, but I hope to see you focus on communicating an intense emotion, but with the same narrative smarts you used here.

 

Better Mistakes - Me and The Girls

 

Does it fit Yin Yin? Not in my opinion

 

Based solely off the song: To be honest I did find it kind of gross. None of the punchlines quite landed for me, and I thought the Xi Jinping line and onwards especially fell flat. I think the problem was mainly it just doesn’t match the round, as unfortunately none of the girls are rappers. I do like that you’ve submitted two wildly different songs so far, and I think you’ll have the opportunity to explore either styles in future rounds, so I hope you continue submitting!

 

Worldwide angel - clarity control

 

Does it fit Yin Yin? Yes, I think so. Definitely has an esoteric feel, and I think it captured the diction I’d imagine Yin Yin might use the best of her entries so far.

 

Based solely off the song: I do admit it’s so esoteric that it might feel a bit… Inscrutable, to me! Verse 2 seems the most transparent, and is what I found to be the most interesting part. “craft idols out of pure platinum /suck out all the magic/leave us hollow and clean” was a very unique way of presenting corporate interference, and I assume “lucky two of them/thought this world to be perfect/believed that it wouldn’t sting /if their smiles would just beam” is about Audrey and Diana? I like that your piece works within the worldbuilding that was set up, so I think you’ve put a lot of thought into this. I liked the unique “shaping” of the piece, like how fragmented the lines are. Overall, I think the effect and mood it makes is unique, even though I can’t quite find a 1:1 parallel for the analogies throughout the whole piece. The second verse is definitely a highlight!

 

Legend E - Spa Night

 

Does it fit Yin Yin? Yes!

 

Based solely off the song: So the way I review is I read all the songs, make zero notes, give it a day and then come back later, so that they can sink in and I can gauge a first impression/get a feel for how they “hold up”. Spa Night was the one song from this round that I was excited to read again. I definitely think you hit a bullseye in combining the challenge parameters, backstory, and good songcraft. Verse 2 absolutely takes it over the top. I’d quote a lot of this if we were allowed to repost your song! The song really imparts a sense of emotion, and I’m jealous Yin Yin got it instead of Aria! Good work!

Aria Thurney

 

hurricane326 - Mortal Muse

 

Does it fit Aria? I think so! I love that you wanted to pull from her intensity and write something angry

 

Based solely off the song: Not W from the boy band FYI cheating on Aria!

 

The bridge is the obvious highlight and the best one of the round, I love how you formatted it as it serves to escalate along with the escalation in emotion. Leading it up to “he’s just like me” is the perfect wrap up for it. I was looking for strong, provocative songs, and you definitely communicated anger. I like how you also did a bit of worldbuilding of your own! The song definitely holds outside of the context of the challenge, but I do need to be transparent when I say some of the word choice doesn’t match the commercial vibe that was also asked for. It’s elevated, which can be good, but saying something complex with simple wording a 14-year old would know is also a skill!

 

Hug - Checkmate

 

Does it fit Aria?/the song itself: I’m super happy you chose to submit for Aria because the heart of my prompt was that I was looking for songs with a strong structure. You’re definitely one of the strongest pop/commercial writers in these songwriting games, and that’s no different here. This song is really well composed, the meter is tight, the rhyme scheme is on point, etc. I was really excited seeing you make reference to fx Shadow, as that was an idea I had in mind for what Aria’s artistry is like. Your background info also intrigued me, and I like how you’re actively challenging yourself.

 

I’ve let it sit with me for a few days, and I’m sort of sad to say I’m not in love with the song, as it’s evident you put a lot of plotting into it. The crux of it for me is twofold: A, I agree the concept is not what a typical song would be based around, but it doesn’t really do much with it in my opinion. If we were to take f(x)’s Shadow, it’s more than just “the sun shines on a tree and the tree casts a shadow on the ground”, they’re drawing an extended metaphor of a shadow’s properties (Low to the ground, disappears in darkness, shrinks away when in bright light, usually something you don’t even notice, will always be attached to a source, etc.) and comparing that to a shy admirer. Chess pieces and the board themselves aren’t really the essence of chess, right? I could see a version of this where you relate how pieces interact to relationships: A straightforward and brusk person as a rook, an adaptable and slippery person as being similar to the movement of a knight piece, etc.

 

 This rolls into my second reservation: I wouldn’t be able to catch this as being about literal chess with romantic metaphors and not the inverse had you not informed us. I also think it works better as being a romance-with-chess-metaphors, but do respect what you were going for. It is a little regrettable that the first round I said “Going for snake and then connecting that to Eden/Eve is a sort of obvious choice”, and then the next round more than a few people wrote an Aria song related to games But me having that opinion twice might be further proof that if you still want to write something with a novel concept, you need to take another step back to look at all the options, or REALLY twist your first idea and wring new life out of it. Overall, it’s a well written song, but I didn’t get the newness or freshness that Aria’s prompt was looking for.

 

Kylie Jenner - Big Girl (Bang Bang)

 

Does it fit Aria? I love that you wanted to tackle a social movement, as that was exactly what I was hoping someone would explore, looking at the challenge brief. I’d say it could fit her.

 

Based solely off the song: This was one of the two girls who was optimally designed for people who wanted to submit pop songs, in my opinion. I can see it fits a very specific pop format, but not one that quite translates when written down. I think there’s not enough here to meet the “thought provoking” point of the brief. A big part of that is that the chorus is devoted to the onomatopoeic hook, rather than fully written lyrics, which is definitely a misfire, in my view. I can see you were trying to communicate power, but the statements are a little toothless. You need a bit of viscera, in my view, to sell anger, and this was a bit too neat and clean. In the next round I’d love to see you cut loose, while writing something a bit denser.

 

Augmented - Rule the Game

 

Does it fit Aria? Definitely has pop sensibilities, but in a round of multiple game concepts I can’t wholeheartedly say the concept is fresh.

 

Based solely off the song: For something you say you cobbled together, this is pretty well structured! Definitely a great skill if this is the quality you can pull out on short notice. I do think we both understand it’s not the best fit for Aria, though I like that you’re trying to tie in some of her opinions on fame, though I feel like that may need to be more explicit to match the “thought provoking” part of the prompt. It was an interesting choice to write in second person, so that does strengthen the piece’s chances of impacting a listener. Otherwise, this song does blend into the pack. Hoping this week you’ll have some time to plot out your song, hoping to see what you’ll do then!

 

Temporal - In Spades

 

Does it fit Aria? Sort of!

 

Based solely off the song: I want to say that the first verse was very solid and “A diamond dulled with cuts and shuffles” is absolutely one of the best one-liners of the round, so great job there, as that’s absolutely what was asked for in the brief! It was neat to realize you were ticking off each suit. I also definitely get Taylor Reputation vibes. My slight issue is I feel like we probably had the most disparate interpretations of Aria compared to everyone else who submitted: I see you drew attention to her discontent with Blackgold’s music, but not the why. You’re dead on that they’re holding her back, but she wanted to write about topics “that matter”. This song ends up circling around the topic of a pop star being suppressed by her team, but I don’t agree that that’s something Aria would feel matters, with no further analogues to people who are pop stars. Not something I’m going to dock you points for, but I do think that line of thinking got you onto the wrong foot.

 

Let’s revisit that awesome line “A diamond dulled with cuts and shuffles”. It was really good, and a few of the lines around it were also nice, but the whole song proceeded with a long string game metaphors, to diminishing returns. I wouldn’t be exaggerating to say there was a one-liner once per line, and it got kind of old, like seeing the same magic trick once every five minutes. It loses the impact, as I know it’s going to be something related to gaming, in a round where there were a couple other games-as-metaphors songs. I think you took the brief mentioning one-liners and original concepts too far, as the concept itself gets old even within its own song’s runtime. As always, it was well-written, but it just got old.

 

Achilles. - Good Enough For Me

 

Does it fit Aria? I think it’s a miss for Aria

 

Based solely off the song: It’s a very well written song and I can sense the specific mood you were going for, as well as outline the story. I feel like you decided to explore the “dark” part of Aria’s personality, as mentioned in the brief. However, I’ve been thinking over it for a few days, and I can’t quite understand how we get from the brief and wiki entries to this song. The line that had the most focus in the brief was “Aria wants songs that provoke listeners and make them question the world around them.” A breakup song isn’t meeting that standard, and it doesn’t really have a twist on it to make you think or relate it to some concept the average person might not immediately think about. I like that you wanted to write a personal song about healing, but I can’t say it matches for this artist.

 

 

 

 

Edited September 4, 2022 by 8thPrince

[Hug]

I have decided to stop trying to be novel. I am embracing the fact that I will have ideas other people will have. My bar is now to just execute it better.

 

I know for a fact I won't be the only one who will have my idea this upcoming week as well so I apologize for effectively ignoring your thoughts. ?

[8thPrince]

Hints if you want them! Though I may have seemed Ambivalent About this week, it's always a pleasure reading the entries, and my scores may not be as harsh as you think  Looking forward to next week and seeing what you all do with trees! Whether it's the mighty oak, the weeping willow, or the stately Keyakizaka tree, I hope you all tackle the challenge, both those who did submit this round and those who haven't!

 

Tify A. Kousa - TruGemini
Suzy Motoumi - JoeAg
Anna A. Saganawk - Achilles
Mike Anakim - beatinglikeadrum
Aria Thurney - hurricane326
Rina Maure - Euterpe
Meghan Ruana - Augmented
Ana R.B. Waiter - XO_Life
Augus Yaki - Hug
Ana S.B. Waiter - worldwide angel
Ana Nod - Julie Fox
Kio I. Kare - Better Mistakes
Hoziah Bum - Legend E
Kane A. O'Mira - Kylie Jenner
Kai I. Shoabuy - Temporal

 

By the way, did you know Aria was almost in a different group? I wonder how that Lineup would've turned out! 

 

 

 

Edited September 4, 2022 by 8thPrince

[Jackson]

review predictions for next week:

 

”this is the 15th song i’ve read about trees. do better, 0/10”

[Legend E]

omgg

1 hour ago, 8thPrince said:

Alright then! All your reviews are here for your convenience, sorry for the wait. I hope it comes across that I'm trying to focus on springboarding directions for the next song, rather than trying to edit what you've already turned in. I do admit this was a slightly weaker week than last one, to me, but please be aware your score might not correspond to the feel of your review! Feel free to use/ignore what you wish from them.

 

Audrey Onx

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Beatinglikeadrum - Running away from the sun

 

Does it fit Audrey? I think so, I can tell the angle you were going for was to write a song that served as introspective storytelling about her experiences with fame, which matches the authenticity that was asked for.

 

Based solely off the song: There’s a common criticism in these sorts of songwriting games about when songs start sounding less like something that could be sung and more like poems. I do feel this veered one step farther into “this is prose” territory. I’m attributing that to the very long lines with full sentences and no rhyme scheme in almost every section of the song bar the second verse. While I think great work can come out of breaking songwriting conventions, some of the rules work in tandem to help the reader to stay engaged (Such as rhyme scheme, meter, and even the contour of a song, ie how lyrically dense/sparse it is in various sections.). This song is now all one loooooong procession of full sentences with very few couplets, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I felt restless reading it, and didn’t really grab onto much. There’s some great imagery here, such as the “ocean’s arms” image, but there’s a lot of fat surrounding it. I’d challenge you for the next song to try and set up your images with fewer words, to see if you feel like that increases the potency of the imagery you’re setting up.

 

Julia Fox - vintage

 

Does it fit Audrey? I could see you spinning this as being a recounting of a specific relationship of Audrey’s! It has a lot of detail baked into it where I see it actually being about someone real, so I think it matches the vulnerability Audrey was looking for.

 

Based solely off the song: Usually I am not a stickler for typos and won’t mention them at all because I can suss out the meaning, but here there were a lot of typos that actually impacted the reading experience/made me confused. Make sure to edit after giving your eyes a rest so you're certain what you wrote down matches what you composed in your head!

 

While I like the brevity the “prechorus” provides (“Till it wasn’t”), I do feel like at some point we needed more detail on what soured this relationship. Right now it just feels like a switch is flipped, and I think it’d add a new dimension to your piece to have a bridge devoted to an explanation of what caused the relationship to fall apart. I liked the third line, “Wrapped your hands around me like I was a gift”, it’s an interesting simile and I think it helps highlight the possessive nature of the song’s subject, I’d like more environmental details like that, and I think it might be a good exercise for you to try implying the personalities of characters in your future songs via metaphors and similes like that.
 

 

Diana Diamond

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XO_Life - Drink That Up

 

Does it fit Diana? I definitely agree that it does give commercial vibes, but I think it reminds me of 2009-2012s club pop. Not a bad thing at all (As this was when Katy was still successful!), but I’ll touch on this more in the second section. I do think it misses the mark about colorful metaphors and imagery, however.

 

Based solely off the song: I do like how you know your strengths and picked the member with the most pop appeal, but I must admit this is lyrically weak. That era of club pop was criticized for its generic nature, and I did find this generic, like it could have been a song already released by twenty artists from that era. It’s missing the novel lines that I liked in your first song, and is narratively stagnant. Each section has some sort of reference to drinking, which won’t make your song stand out. I think there’s a way you can make a song about partying and drinking interesting, but you have to have ups and downs in the song’s story, and state old sentiments in new and interesting ways via use of unique imagery. I’d challenge you to start with a central story with the basic parts (intro, rising action, climax, resolution), and then relate that to an image that can stand for that story. I think your first entry definitely showed you can cook up something interesting like that.

 

JoeAg - Nightlife Empress

 

Does it fit Diana? You know, I got Dua Lipa Levitating vibes, so I think it works for Diana! Definitely can see the colorful imagery here and the song does feel fun.

 

Based solely off the song: This piece had a lot of color and pop, it’s very different from your first song, showcasing that you’re clearly a versatile writer. I like how you still blended parts of your style into this new concept. Do I think some of the imagery is a little highbrow for what Diana is going for? Yes, but I do think it contributed to making the song stand out from your classic “love in the club” anthem. I would suggest making sure all your word choice is balanced with your tone in the future: The serial killer line–while it definitely could work in a grittier club song!–is too gritty for what otherwise was a glittery and fun song.

 

TruGemini - Little White Lie

 

Does it fit Diana? I don’t really think so, the brief was looking for fun, color, brightness, etc. and this is very much in the opposite direction. I don’t sense commercial smash from this, and I think the idea of a dual perspective, while interesting, doesn’t work for a solo star’s debut.

 

Based solely off the song: I think this was really ambitious and a neat idea, but I do have to say I did not understand there were two perspectives upon first read, which is really important for this type of dual perspective. I think the use of the pronoun “her” in the second verse (Which I assume is about the wife, not the mistress?) also compounds that sense of confusion. I love the idea of the mistress looming over the man, but the constant string of parentheticals don’t really translate well into a written medium. That said, I really liked the verse from the perspective of the woman. While I would suggest playing with formatting to not make the lines so long in the future, it was very tight meter wise, and I think that was the section that best matched the fun and colorful vibe Diana is going for.
 

 

Yin Yin

 

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Eutrepe - Five Stages

 

Does if fit Yin Yin? I think so! It definitely comes across as a reflection on her time in the group. This was also one of the only songs this round to incorporate the girls’ personal backgrounds, so kudos for thinking outside the box.

 

Based solely off the song: I really like the line “I was bubbling underfoot/Ready to explode”. Something about the image of being looked over/stepped upon, but having latent potential is very fascinating. I like how you used the five stages model to lay a framework for your song and ensure you had a narrative that allowed the song to evolve throughout its runtime. One thing I would’ve liked to see is a more emotional bent. A lot of the song is propped up via questions and metaphor, and that can put up an emotional wall that doesn’t allow readers to fully connect. For being about the five stages of grief, while that did provide structure, I felt like it glossed over the intensity of each emotion. Thematically, it still works, but I hope to see you focus on communicating an intense emotion, but with the same narrative smarts you used here.

 

Better Mistakes - Me and The Girls

 

Does it fit Yin Yin? Not in my opinion

 

Based solely off the song: To be honest I did find it kind of gross. None of the punchlines quite landed for me, and I thought the Xi Jinping line and onwards especially fell flat. I think the problem was mainly it just doesn’t match the round, as unfortunately none of the girls are rappers. I do like that you’ve submitted two wildly different songs so far, and I think you’ll have the opportunity to explore either styles in future rounds, so I hope you continue submitting!

 

Worldwide angel - clarity control

 

Does it fit Yin Yin? Yes, I think so. Definitely has an esoteric feel, and I think it captured the diction I’d imagine Yin Yin might use the best of her entries so far.

 

Based solely off the song: I do admit it’s so esoteric that it might feel a bit… Inscrutable, to me! Verse 2 seems the most transparent, and is what I found to be the most interesting part. “craft idols out of pure platinum /suck out all the magic/leave us hollow and clean” was a very unique way of presenting corporate interference, and I assume “lucky two of them/thought this world to be perfect/believed that it wouldn’t sting /if their smiles would just beam” is about Audrey and Diana? I like that your piece works within the worldbuilding that was set up, so I think you’ve put a lot of thought into this. I liked the unique “shaping” of the piece, like how fragmented the lines are. Overall, I think the effect and mood it makes is unique, even though I can’t quite find a 1:1 parallel for the analogies throughout the whole piece. The second verse is definitely a highlight!

 

Legend E - Spa Night

 

Does it fit Yin Yin? Yes!

 

Based solely off the song: So the way I review is I read all the songs, make zero notes, give it a day and then come back later, so that they can sink in and I can gauge a first impression/get a feel for how they “hold up”. Spa Night was the one song from this round that I was excited to read again. I definitely think you hit a bullseye in combining the challenge parameters, backstory, and good songcraft. Verse 2 absolutely takes it over the top. I’d quote a lot of this if we were allowed to repost your song! The song really imparts a sense of emotion, and I’m jealous Yin Yin got it instead of Aria! Good work!
 

 

 

Aria Thurney

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hurricane326 - Mortal Muse

 

Does it fit Aria? I think so! I love that you wanted to pull from her intensity and write something angry

 

Based solely off the song: Not W from the boy band FYI cheating on Aria!

 

The bridge is the obvious highlight and the best one of the round, I love how you formatted it as it serves to escalate along with the escalation in emotion. Leading it up to “he’s just like me” is the perfect wrap up for it. I was looking for strong, provocative songs, and you definitely communicated anger. I like how you also did a bit of worldbuilding of your own! The song definitely holds outside of the context of the challenge, but I do need to be transparent when I say some of the word choice doesn’t match the commercial vibe that was also asked for. It’s elevated, which can be good, but saying something complex with simple wording a 14-year old would know is also a skill!

 

Hug - Checkmate

 

Does it fit Aria?/the song itself: I’m super happy you chose to submit for Aria because the heart of my prompt was that I was looking for songs with a strong structure. You’re definitely one of the strongest pop/commercial writers in these songwriting games, and that’s no different here. This song is really well composed, the meter is tight, the rhyme scheme is on point, etc. I was really excited seeing you make reference to fx Shadow, as that was an idea I had in mind for what Aria’s artistry is like. Your background info also intrigued me, and I like how you’re actively challenging yourself.

 

I’ve let it sit with me for a few days, and I’m sort of sad to say I’m not in love with the song, as it’s evident you put a lot of plotting into it. The crux of it for me is twofold: A, I agree the concept is not what a typical song would be based around, but it doesn’t really do much with it in my opinion. If we were to take f(x)’s Shadow, it’s more than just “the sun shines on a tree and the tree casts a shadow on the ground”, they’re drawing an extended metaphor of a shadow’s properties (Low to the ground, disappears in darkness, shrinks away when in bright light, usually something you don’t even notice, will always be attached to a source, etc.) and comparing that to a shy admirer. Chess pieces and the board themselves aren’t really the essence of chess, right? I could see a version of this where you relate how pieces interact to relationships: A straightforward and brusk person as a rook, an adaptable and slippery person as being similar to the movement of a knight piece, etc.

 

 This rolls into my second reservation: I wouldn’t be able to catch this as being about literal chess with romantic metaphors and not the inverse had you not informed us. I also think it works better as being a romance-with-chess-metaphors, but do respect what you were going for. It is a little regrettable that the first round I said “Going for snake and then connecting that to Eden/Eve is a sort of obvious choice”, and then the next round more than a few people wrote an Aria song related to games But me having that opinion twice might be further proof that if you still want to write something with a novel concept, you need to take another step back to look at all the options, or REALLY twist your first idea and wring new life out of it. Overall, it’s a well written song, but I didn’t get the newness or freshness that Aria’s prompt was looking for.

 

Kylie Jenner - Big Girl (Bang Bang)

 

Does it fit Aria? I love that you wanted to tackle a social movement, as that was exactly what I was hoping someone would explore, looking at the challenge brief. I’d say it could fit her.

 

Based solely off the song: This was one of the two girls who was optimally designed for people who wanted to submit pop songs, in my opinion. I can see it fits a very specific pop format, but not one that quite translates when written down. I think there’s not enough here to meet the “thought provoking” point of the brief. A big part of that is that the chorus is devoted to the onomatopoeic hook, rather than fully written lyrics, which is definitely a misfire, in my view. I can see you were trying to communicate power, but the statements are a little toothless. You need a bit of viscera, in my view, to sell anger, and this was a bit too neat and clean. In the next round I’d love to see you cut loose, while writing something a bit denser.

 

Augmented - Rule the Game

 

Does it fit Aria? Definitely has pop sensibilities, but in a round of multiple game concepts I can’t wholeheartedly say the concept is fresh.

 

Based solely off the song: For something you say you cobbled together, this is pretty well structured! Definitely a great skill if this is the quality you can pull out on short notice. I do think we both understand it’s not the best fit for Aria, though I like that you’re trying to tie in some of her opinions on fame, though I feel like that may need to be more explicit to match the “thought provoking” part of the prompt. It was an interesting choice to write in second person, so that does strengthen the piece’s chances of impacting a listener. Otherwise, this song does blend into the pack. Hoping this week you’ll have some time to plot out your song, hoping to see what you’ll do then!

 

Temporal - In Spades

 

Does it fit Aria? Sort of!

 

Based solely off the song: I want to say that the first verse was very solid and “A diamond dulled with cuts and shuffles” is absolutely one of the best one-liners of the round, so great job there, as that’s absolutely what was asked for in the brief! It was neat to realize you were ticking off each suit. I also definitely get Taylor Reputation vibes. My slight issue is I feel like we probably had the most disparate interpretations of Aria compared to everyone else who submitted: I see you drew attention to her discontent with Blackgold’s music, but not the why. You’re dead on that they’re holding her back, but she wanted to write about topics “that matter”. This song ends up circling around the topic of a pop star being suppressed by her team, but I don’t agree that that’s something Aria would feel matters, with no further analogues to people who are pop stars. Not something I’m going to dock you points for, but I do think that line of thinking got you onto the wrong foot.

 

Let’s revisit that awesome line “A diamond dulled with cuts and shuffles”. It was really good, and a few of the lines around it were also nice, but the whole song proceeded with a long string game metaphors, to diminishing returns. I wouldn’t be exaggerating to say there was a one-liner once per line, and it got kind of old, like seeing the same magic trick once every five minutes. It loses the impact, as I know it’s going to be something related to gaming, in a round where there were a couple other games-as-metaphors songs. I think you took the brief mentioning one-liners and original concepts too far, as the concept itself gets old even within its own song’s runtime. As always, it was well-written, but it just got old.

 

Achilles. - Good Enough For Me

 

Does it fit Aria? I think it’s a miss for Aria

 

Based solely off the song: It’s a very well written song and I can sense the specific mood you were going for, as well as outline the story. I feel like you decided to explore the “dark” part of Aria’s personality, as mentioned in the brief. However, I’ve been thinking over it for a few days, and I can’t quite understand how we get from the brief and wiki entries to this song. The line that had the most focus in the brief was “Aria wants songs that provoke listeners and make them question the world around them.” A breakup song isn’t meeting that standard, and it doesn’t really have a twist on it to make you think or relate it to some concept the average person might not immediately think about. I like that you wanted to write a personal song about healing, but I can’t say it matches for this artist.

 

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thank you omg  

[Temporal]

Thanks for all the reviews - I obviously don’t agree with ~everything~ that was said but I can’t deny some lines were weaker than others. Trying to balance the commercial aspects of the song with the rest of the prompt was probably the most difficult aspect for me. If there was a resubmission component to a future challenge, I’d definitely make some tweaks to the bridge and second verse as those were the most painful to write  But I have a lot of lines in the song I’m proud of, and I definitely took on something outside of my comfort zone which was rewarding in and of itself.

 

Glad at *least* one judge caught me naming all the suits!

[Hug]

Me not even being able to FIND Aria Thurney on that wiki, never mind figure out what relevance they have to the hints. ?‍♂️?‍♂️?‍♂️

[Hug]

And looking on that wiki wasn't even my first thought. I just got pictures of food when I outright Googled Augus Yaki. I am giving up on deciphering these hints!!

[JoeAg]

3 hours ago, fountain said:

 

@JoeAg - Nightlife Empress

Stan Kesha! Instant 10 from me.

I don’t know if it’s because you mentioned her for your token request, but when reading this I tried to imagine her singing it, and I certainly could, so in that way I would definitely say you have succeeded in the challenge and written something fitting for a pop star like Diana Diamond. This song has a great, fun and playful nighttime vibe to it, with the singer having nice cheeky moments throughout the song which give it a good energy. I think this is an interesting take for you, because I definitely know you more for your more internal, thoughtful and nuanced lyrics. It’s nice to see your more fun and carefree side to it, and this shows some versatility as a writer - and of course it’s very fitting for the challenge - however I would say that on a personal level I resonate more with your more unique and personal style. Overall I think this is a good entry, there’s nothing really to fault it for and it’s a spot on interpretation of Diana Diamond, it’s nice to see this coy and irreverent side however it’s obviously not your most poignant song or the one that would show off your writing skills the best, and I’m sure you’d probably agree with that too; but, not every song has to be that

thank you! yeah i was certainly going for irreverent this time ? and yeah actually Chain Reaction was stuck in my head the entire time i spent writing this lol i’m glad you like it 

[JoeAg]

1 hour ago, 8thPrince said:

JoeAg - Nightlife Empress

 

Does it fit Diana? You know, I got Dua Lipa Levitating vibes, so I think it works for Diana! Definitely can see the colorful imagery here and the song does feel fun.

 

Based solely off the song: This piece had a lot of color and pop, it’s very different from your first song, showcasing that you’re clearly a versatile writer. I like how you still blended parts of your style into this new concept. Do I think some of the imagery is a little highbrow for what Diana is going for? Yes, but I do think it contributed to making the song stand out from your classic “love in the club” anthem. I would suggest making sure all your word choice is balanced with your tone in the future: The serial killer line–while it definitely could work in a grittier club song!–is too gritty for what otherwise was a glittery and fun song.

thank you this is a wonderful critique! yeah i do suppose looking back that the serial killer thing was perhaps a bit clunky. glad you noticed the glittery-ness i was going for 

[Remmy]

23 hours ago, Remmy said:

i'm not doing this one I fear!!! maybe round 4

wait... might be backtracking this statement  an idea popped up

 

looking at my upcoming move schedule and it seems like round 5 is the only one I will 100% not have time to do. for round 4, we'll see if I get any inspiration  and I'd like to do the final one no matter what prompt it is.

[fountain]

10 minutes ago, Remmy said:

wait... might be backtracking this statement  an idea popped up

 

looking at my upcoming move schedule and it seems like round 5 is the only one I will 100% not have time to do. for round 4, we'll see if I get any inspiration  and I'd like to do the final one no matter what prompt it is.

poor round 5 :( 

[Euterpe]

@8thPrince Thanks for your honest review!

[fountain]

Round 2 results beginning in one hour!

 

Hope to see you all there

 

 

@hurricane326 @Julia Fox @XO_Life @Hug @beatinglikeadrum @Euterpe @Better Mistakes @Kylie Jenner @JoeAg @worldwide angel @Augmented @Temporal @Achilles. @Legend E @TruGemini

[Julia Fox]

I’ll be there and also playing the Lets spoon game x