tournament ? DIAMOND HIT ? Farewell / Next Season Announcement pg.328 ?

[SaintWest]

The awkward moment when Adele albums come out quicker than DH reviews do!  

[ATRL Username]

25 minutes ago, Theus said:

The foot one...

 

The fact that this is actual evidence for an proper debate on this as well

 

[swiftie13]

TYMPS <3 you deserve it babe

 

 

wow @ me starting the nostalgia trend yas

 

 

Sorry, my project took forever. All my tea is coming tonight without a doubt! 

[swiftie13]

MESSS @ me reading gabe's explanation and thinking it was for Sam's song  I was so confused

Edited February 22, 2017 by swiftie13

[fountain]

9 minutes ago, swiftie13 said:

MESSS @ me reading gabe's explanation and thinking it was for Sam's song  I was so confused

I put those ------------------------------------- there to distinguish between the entries DUMMY

[swiftie13]

I saw you in the google doc and you IGNORED ME, rude.

[swiftie13]

Ok wow. Done scoring. Thorough reviews will come later though, I have to head over to a venue visit for class. I should be back by 5pm so expect reviews around 6-6:30pm EST unless something happens, and something usually does! 

Edited February 22, 2017 by swiftie13

[SaintWest]

My fate gets determined tonight sistrens.

Edited February 22, 2017 by SaintWest

[fountain]

Can you taste the bay white salts against your tongue 

[swiftie13]

Poetry Ruined My Life

 

After testing out of ESL in 2nd grade

I need another adventure

Another way to master

The now familiar English language.

 

Childhood curiosities

Led to simple rhyming expressions

That became a serious endeavor

As an adult with an artful depression.

 

Needing interesting words

To fill my blank canvas

I took a deeper look as a child

At all that surrounded me

 

Crying at the vastness of space.

Stars, mere reminders of our insignificance.

I wasted my innocent youthfulness

On piecing words together about an existence that has never made any sense.

 

Meter, stressings

Rhyme schemes, cadence

I am a god creating rivers

Capable of moving upward.

 

I have all the power.

 

Stanza after stanza

In the order that I please

I ostensibly organize the chaos

Coming from inside of me.

 

Poetry promised me glory.

Instead, I haven’t let my

Grandfather rest in peace.

Sadness shouldn’t sound so pretty.

 

And so, through the many structures I’ve tested

The many styles I’ve ruined

All the alliterations and allegories exhausted

I have become a horrible person.

 

I could have been sane.

 

But writing chose me

To exploit my weak humanity.

Since the day I picked up a pen

To rhyme simple words like hen

With regrettable choices like den

I have been destined for a Shakespearean ruin.

 

Now, I am overly self-involved

Confiding only in paper

Friends being an impossible reality

For some like me

Who doesn’t even like people like me

    Dramatic, verbose, and a little pretentious

    Decorated with self-deprecation

Excellently shielded against actual wisdom

 

Poetry always nudges me

Reminding me to feel a little more

To think a little more

To sleep a little

        Less.

 

Because how else is beauty created

Than through self-proclaimed martyrs

Indulging in their sufferings

For others to see themselves in?

(THIS NEXT ONE WAS A #1 ON PURE SCORE IN PH8 BUT #4 WITH THE UGLY OVERALL AVERAGE CHART, I WILL NEVER FORGET)

 

i

 

From dust I was created

To dust I will return

One of Earth’s many children

Whose secrets I’ll never learn

 

I gaze up at the stars

When I need to feel grounded

I don’t need to look far

When I feel self-important

 

I’m hopelessly devoted

To love’s seductive flames

That have burned my illusions

But never Cupid’s aim

 

My failures in the Spring

Haunt me in the Winter

Sometimes I overthink

Until screams fade into whispers

 

I yearn             I want

To see            To fuel

The world            Wonder

 

I keep             I urge

Chasing             To feel

Desire            My worth

 

Music is my remedy

When the world is at war

Tethered my melodies

When I’m at a loss for words

 

The sorrow that surrounds me

As I walk busy streets

Begs of me, helplessly

And brings me to my knees

 

But the free will I was given

Will not have gone to waste

When I’m no longer breathing

I’ll have helped in many ways

 

I won’t be Satan’s fool

Although his easy ways are tempting

My mother taught me better

She’s earned her place in heaven

 

I write        I pray

To take        To rise

Cover        Above

 

I seek        I live

To learn        To love

The truth        And be loved.

 

Day of the Dead

 

I leave behind the marigolds

With the small trinkets on my tombstone

And the brilliant sugar skulls

On my decorated altar.

 

My old imaginary friends

And my dearly missed relatives

Greet me by the golden gate

Gesturing for me to come in.

 

Leaving behind the physical

I watch the spirits awaken

Every thought becomes possible

In the dimension of the dead.

 

In this permanent sunrise

A new world comes alive

Moths morph into butterflies

That guide me to the light.

 

“Remember,” my Grandfather speaks

“When you thought you had lost me?

Your young heart was overcome by grief

But I promised I would never leave.”

 

I had always felt his protection

In all of my silent blessings

Now we’re in the land of resting

And troubles are but floating feathers.

 

May my parents find comfort

In knowing when they buried their son

He found an eternal summer

Welcomed by all our lost loved ones.

 

In letting go of earthly tethers

I became one with the wind

Discovering the hidden treasures

Of a death free from restraint

 

May they do me one last favor

And lay a sunflower on my grave

 

Mother

 

I took a train to Paradise

And I landed in outer space

When I turned to look outside

I saw my wicked ways.

The earth had turned a sickly red

After exhausting all her lands.

Never has another creature

Bitten at such helpful hands.

 

Heaven on earth no longer exists

The traces of Eden have long vanished.

I sinned them away.

 

Look at what I have done

Look what Mother has become.

So I am leaving to give her some peace

As penance for all of my sins

I float

Aimlessly

 

All

 

Throughout

Space.

 

Believing religiously in my privilege

I destroyed Mother at my own leisure

She gave birth to a petulant child

Falling victim to my pretend brilliance.

From afar I saw she was weeping

Her dry tears revealed she was needing

Fertile fields, no longer yielding

I caused her pain, I have been

G      r      e      e      d      y.

 

Heaven on earth no longer exists

My departure is my only gift

But my sins hurt her the same.

 

Look at what I have done

Look at Mother coming undone.

I hope my leaving will conserve her grace

Knowing I can’t take back my sins

While I float

Aimlessly

Giving her             space.

 

 

I submitted these for a poetry assignment a class I took last summer. Platinum hit's impact. I edited some of them, most notably Mother, which is now in the 1st person. A reverse enigma challenge experience. Mother really remains flawless and iconic.

Edited February 22, 2017 by swiftie13

[Temporal]

45 minutes ago, swiftie13 said:

(THIS NEXT ONE WAS A #1 ON PURE SCORE IN PH8 BUT #4 WITH THE UGLY OVERALL AVERAGE CHART, I WILL NEVER FORGET)

And even then "i" was tied with "Please Don't Love Me" in pure score, can't have NOTHING to yourself!

[Temporal]

2 hours ago, swiftie13 said:

MESSS @ me reading gabe's explanation and thinking it was for Sam's song  I was so confused

 

Omg I did the same thing

[khalyan]

1 hour ago, swiftie13 said:

Poetry Ruined My Life

 

After testing out of ESL in 2nd grade

I need another adventure

Another way to master

The now familiar English language.

 

Childhood curiosities

Led to simple rhyming expressions

That became a serious endeavor

As an adult with an artful depression.

 

Needing interesting words

To fill my blank canvas

I took a deeper look as a child

At all that surrounded me

 

Crying at the vastness of space.

Stars, mere reminders of our insignificance.

I wasted my innocent youthfulness

On piecing words together about an existence that has never made any sense.

 

Meter, stressings

Rhyme schemes, cadence

I am a god creating rivers

Capable of moving upward.

 

I have all the power.

 

Stanza after stanza

In the order that I please

I ostensibly organize the chaos

Coming from inside of me.

 

Poetry promised me glory.

Instead, I haven’t let my

Grandfather rest in peace.

Sadness shouldn’t sound so pretty.

 

And so, through the many structures I’ve tested

The many styles I’ve ruined

All the alliterations and allegories exhausted

I have become a horrible person.

 

I could have been sane.

 

But writing chose me

To exploit my weak humanity.

Since the day I picked up a pen

To rhyme simple words like hen

With regrettable choices like den

I have been destined for a Shakespearean ruin.

 

Now, I am overly self-involved

Confiding only in paper

Friends being an impossible reality

For some like me

Who doesn’t even like people like me

    Dramatic, verbose, and a little pretentious

    Decorated with self-deprecation

Excellently shielded against actual wisdom

 

Poetry always nudges me

Reminding me to feel a little more

To think a little more

To sleep a little

        Less.

 

Because how else is beauty created

Than through self-proclaimed martyrs

Indulging in their sufferings

For others to see themselves in?

(THIS NEXT ONE WAS A #1 ON PURE SCORE IN PH8 BUT #4 WITH THE UGLY OVERALL AVERAGE CHART, I WILL NEVER FORGET)

 

i

 

From dust I was created

To dust I will return

One of Earth’s many children

Whose secrets I’ll never learn

 

I gaze up at the stars

When I need to feel grounded

I don’t need to look far

When I feel self-important

 

I’m hopelessly devoted

To love’s seductive flames

That have burned my illusions

But never Cupid’s aim

 

My failures in the Spring

Haunt me in the Winter

Sometimes I overthink

Until screams fade into whispers

 

I yearn             I want

To see            To fuel

The world            Wonder

 

I keep             I urge

Chasing             To feel

Desire            My worth

 

Music is my remedy

When the world is at war

Tethered my melodies

When I’m at a loss for words

 

The sorrow that surrounds me

As I walk busy streets

Begs of me, helplessly

And brings me to my knees

 

But the free will I was given

Will not have gone to waste

When I’m no longer breathing

I’ll have helped in many ways

 

I won’t be Satan’s fool

Although his easy ways are tempting

My mother taught me better

She’s earned her place in heaven

 

I write        I pray

To take        To rise

Cover        Above

 

I seek        I live

To learn        To love

The truth        And be loved.

 

Day of the Dead

 

I leave behind the marigolds

With the small trinkets on my tombstone

And the brilliant sugar skulls

On my decorated altar.

 

My old imaginary friends

And my dearly missed relatives

Greet me by the golden gate

Gesturing for me to come in.

 

Leaving behind the physical

I watch the spirits awaken

Every thought becomes possible

In the dimension of the dead.

 

In this permanent sunrise

A new world comes alive

Moths morph into butterflies

That guide me to the light.

 

“Remember,” my Grandfather speaks

“When you thought you had lost me?

Your young heart was overcome by grief

But I promised I would never leave.”

 

I had always felt his protection

In all of my silent blessings

Now we’re in the land of resting

And troubles are but floating feathers.

 

May my parents find comfort

In knowing when they buried their son

He found an eternal summer

Welcomed by all our lost loved ones.

 

In letting go of earthly tethers

I became one with the wind

Discovering the hidden treasures

Of a death free from restraint

 

May they do me one last favor

And lay a sunflower on my grave

 

Mother

 

I took a train to Paradise

And I landed in outer space

When I turned to look outside

I saw my wicked ways.

The earth had turned a sickly red

After exhausting all her lands.

Never has another creature

Bitten at such helpful hands.

 

Heaven on earth no longer exists

The traces of Eden have long vanished.

I sinned them away.

 

Look at what I have done

Look what Mother has become.

So I am leaving to give her some peace

As penance for all of my sins

I float

Aimlessly

 

All

 

Throughout

Space.

 

Believing religiously in my privilege

I destroyed Mother at my own leisure

She gave birth to a petulant child

Falling victim to my pretend brilliance.

From afar I saw she was weeping

Her dry tears revealed she was needing

Fertile fields, no longer yielding

I caused her pain, I have been

G      r      e      e      d      y.

 

Heaven on earth no longer exists

My departure is my only gift

But my sins hurt her the same.

 

Look at what I have done

Look at Mother coming undone.

I hope my leaving will conserve her grace

Knowing I can’t take back my sins

While I float

Aimlessly

Giving her             space.

 

 

I submitted these for a poetry assignment a class I took last summer. Platinum hit's impact. I edited some of them, most notably Mother, which is now in the 1st person. A reverse enigma challenge experience. Mother really remains flawless and iconic.

some of us are using a dark theme and can't read this  

[swiftie13]

40 minutes ago, Temporal said:

And even then "i" was tied with "Please Don't Love Me" in pure score, can't have NOTHING to yourself!

agsadnrbjddja i hate you 

[fountain]

1 hour ago, Temporal said:

Omg I did the same thing

Imbeciles !

[Citrus]

Doing my last 4 reviews. Expect critiques maybe around 3:00 ish

[swiftie13]

35 minutes ago, Corsola said:

stop YOU'RE fine 

Hmmm

[SaintWest]

wow i'm honestly feeling v attacked rn! 

[Jackson]

54 minutes ago, Citrus said:

Doing my last 4 reviews. Expect critiques maybe around 3:00 ish

wow not loving this east coast centric point of view. The discrimination 

[Citrus]

1 hour ago, Corsola said:

stop YOU'RE fine 

:eyes: 

[Citrus]

 

CitRuviews

Funnellegs – Somebody’s Daughter

• I love the opening couplet, it perfectly conveys how the character is feeling (like ****). This verse is pretty good, honestly. I don’t have any qualms.

• I would’ve rather had a more substantial first and second verse than this after-school special of a pre-chorus. It’s a cute idea that her drug and alcohol use is linked to her neglect by her parents, but it’s a little too upfront. “Like your glass that needs refilling” is awkward and kind of hits us over the head with her alcoholism, though “Light up another one” works a bit better. It’s too blatant.

• Chorus has some really good ideas disrupted by your affinity for strange structure. Somebody’s daughter is a fantastic ending line, but the repetition of the phrase makes it feel awkward because “Just somebody’s daughter” is too long to repeat without awkwardness.

• Verse two carries on the vibe from verse one very well. It’s strong and paints a much better portrait of a conflicted, seemingly adult daughter than the pre-chorus does. This kind of subtlety (which is only subtle compared to the glaring pre chorus) is for more affecting than just outright telling us “she has **** wrong with her because of her parents!!”. Loved this verse. “The paper’s crumpled and begging to be opened / But you know you can’t even face the words you’ve written” is stunning.

• Bridge is in the same place as the chorus, I think. Not bad but just kind of there. The ideas you’re trying to express there are very genuine and powerful, and it comes across in some capacity.

You had some FANTASTIC verses that were completely let down by the rest of the song. Verse 2 > Verse 1 >>>>>>>> Bridge > Chorus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Pre-Chorus. When you’re trying to convey an emotional effect, focus on the smaller moments like you did in the chorus. There’s power in those that you can’t get from simply stating that someone is upset, and I think this could’ve been great  if you had done that more consistently. Overall, an okay song that could’ve been a fantastic one. You didn’t miss, but you didn’t hit a home run.

 

Aurora – Mountain

 

• The first six lines of your first verse gave me a very Incan civilization vibe, and I lived for it. You still use some esoteric language but it wasn’t as distracting here. I think “Every cavern to unmask” should’ve been *each* cavern, but that’s a minor detail.

• This refrain sounds like something Teddy Roosevelt would sing while wandering naked through a national park. It’s very earthy and in the vein of 8^th’s song from last week hihi. Meaning I like it.

• I’m no scientist, but I usually associate tropic storms with hurricanes and mountains don’t quite fit in with that. BUT you’re going for a more vine-laden, green mountain in a jungle and I’m used to the “American **** yeah” kinda mountains so that could just be bias. Why do you only capitalize every other line? If it’s a thing because the lowercase ones are continuations from the previous line, then just keep them on the same line tbh.

• The bridge/middle 8 is probably the weakest part of your song. It’s a little too repetitive of previous ideas without the benefit of the gorgeous imagery the previous verses and refrains possess. It reads like okay poetry, while the rest of the song reads like a great song.

I ****ing SCREAMED at you saying this song is about Mexicans, what kind of ARTPOP. The way this could’ve been a metaphor for absolutely anything most people don’t know about. Girl it coulda been a metaphor for taxes. That being said, I love it on its own, somewhat forced social meaning aside. Reading this took me there, bitch, and I felt like I was listening to a traditional mountain song. Loved this.

 

Ughgabriel – Tijuana

• First couplet is very pretty and cutting. Second couplet is a little awkwardly phrased with the “have” part. It would read better as “Their voices (are) still resounding / In oft forgot surroundings” because then you have an internal rhyme with oft/forgot hihi. Core of disorder is very good language.

• I don’t quite understand the idea of people keeping their names away from the newspaper? Does that just mean that you weren’t killed, because your death would be in the papers? It’s neat but a little strangely expressed. “The chasers” is very forced, and the repetition of God in the last three lines is a little much.

• The first half of the chorus isn’t fantastic but it perfectly sets up the second two couplets. Those second two couplets were THIS close to being flawless. “Without the aid of stars” is strange, try “Once born inside the vortex / To a night devoid of stars”. Same syllable count and establishes that it’s dark and people can’t see to run away without the strange aid line. I think “very” would work better in place of “that”, as well.

• No shade but Verse 2 would fit right in on the Born this Way album. It’s certainly not subtle, but the issues here lie more in the weirdness of “illegal hope” and the ensuing forcedness of sentenced/entrance and escape/rape.

• The outro is pretty good, no major issues.

I really like the idea and some of your language in here, but it’s a bit too loose. Some of the couplets need a tad more tightening, and the pre-chorus is too long.

Ceremonials – Power Trip

• I like the first verse, very enigma. Sets things up nicely.

• Resist/falling prey to her soft lips is a GREAT rhyme but the rest is a letdown. I needed a total femme fatale or dominatrix tea, and instead I got a softcore *****. You needed to commit a little more here, because the “She’s on some power trip” line was unearned. Post chorus is cute, I can imagine a robotic voice doing it in the background.

• Verse 2 is again, almost perfect. “Almost like clockwork” is both basic and forced, but that’s my only critique here.

• Bridge isn’t as strong as the verses but it’s a nice climax for the song, laying out how the man was never even in contention for being in control of the situation. Love the transition to the final chorus.

Overall, your only big problem was that your chorus was extremely weak relative to the rest of the song. It works on every level aside that, and I love the concept of a dominatrix (right?) being in emotional control of one of her clients. It’s not something we see every week, and I appreciate that.

Saintwest – film noir

• This is a fun title. The rhyming in the first verse is pretty forced at parts (jazz/cab, scotch/got), but it kinda has a beat poetry vibe to it.

• You do realize that…you don’t have to use the word enigma in your song just because that’s the round name, yes? Oh, you consciously made the choice to do that? Okay girl. “The girls begin to sing when he tugs at their heartstrings” is just way too long and so awkward. Are you ****ing kidding me with “Honey, don’t you tell, that you let me ring your bell”? lkeofrjofjsjfk I am having a fit reading this, jfc this chorus is awful. Not a single one of these rhymes feels natural, and the whole thing is just a cheesy mess. AND, in verse 1 it says that his lover/wife would smell the scotch, yet he’s going home scotch-free now? I mean tbh that’s like the least of your problems but still.

• Verse 2 was better, the “Just for tonight / We’ll throw caution to the wind and indulge our delights” worked pretty well and I liked it. You just have so many little things off that it’s hard to care for the whole product. For instance, it should have just been sight, not eyesight. And technicolor has no place here. It’s a weird adjective and actual film noir movies were almost all in black and white.

• First, if you’re going to reference Desi Arnez then spell his name right. Ignorance truly is bliss, miss, but what about this - as you say so cliché in this song along the wrong pong? Reading my previous sentence is what it felt like reading this entire entry.

This feels like a troll entry designed to be cloyingly bad and off. Like if Jpow’s Magnum Opus was about movies and was written by someone who only sorta knows what they’re talking about. Rip.

 

Corsola – Afflicted, Inc

• A different title, I’m intrigued.

• This first verse is immediately giving me Rupaul’s Drag Race lip-sync challenge, Lucian Piane produced pop realness. The messaging too upfront but it’s not offensively bad. Just a little too weird and not quite good enough to pull it off. Mirror/disappear, sales/retail were kinda weak rhymes.

• I really appreciate that you understand what a chorus should be – the thesis of the song. You do that well here, even if it’s not as catchy or smooth as it could be. First two couplets were a little clunky but they weren’t bad at all. Thinner/trigger is a weak rhyme but I love the idea it’s expressing so I’ll go with it. Although you and I both know models do pills, not bullets!

• Verse 2 is a little too muddled. The metaphor isn’t clear enough for who the person being spoken to is – are they anxiety? Addiction? Beating/sweating don’t rhyme, just making sure you know that. Pay attention to how many hard consonants you have in each line. “There’s no one like you that can cause huge stress” is uncomfortable to say because there are three kind of “break” consonants in a row that make the reader produce a new noise. That, can, cause, huge all in a row is what I’m talking about.

• Bridge isn’t bad, its problems are the same as the clunkiness I outlined above.

This song has a decent idea (I believe that CountryBritney did a song like this for the “weird” round last season, too), but the technique needs refined. Read your songs aloud to yourself, don’t sing them. See how smoothly your lips transition between words in sentences for an idea of how to choose better sounding phrases.

 

Jackson – Nomad Lands

• Not a fan of this culturally appropriative title, cishet!

• The “Could simple compliments” line breaks the flow, too long. The rest is good, though. Loved the assonance of father/falling for.

• I loved this chorus, it’s gorgeous. Thank you for not being awful this round, I really needed this.

• Whispering breezes line is a little longwinded (HAHA get it??). “Though only” is also hard to roll off the tongue. “But words he never said will turn to ghosts inside his head” is ****ing brilliant, ugh what a great line. The internal rhyme, the meaning, the simplicity. Looooooove. Conscience could’ve been replaced by a litany of other, less awkward words.

• I don’t buy the “Seam / Sewn into a family tree” because idg how a seam is sewn onto bark? I don’t think the “Earth will always keep you close” was needed. By trying to make the idea of death more universal to everyone, you actually lose some poignancy. I cared because of the specific boy and girl the song addresses, so a better bridge would’ve (imo) been an explanation of their deaths and joining with their parents.

I have no qualms besides those I expressed above. Much better than last round.

 

8thprince – Ticking Heart

• You got me there bitch, I did not expect you to successfully pull off a fluid rhyme with that long ass first line. But you did girl! Shotgun seat is redundant in this context. Racing down the rails of destiny is cute but mentally breaks us from being in a car since you’re referencing a train.

• I liked the subtle usage of “maple tree” to suggest that he didn’t fall far from the tree (I think that’s what you meant?). If you did mean that, then apple tree would’ve been cuter.

• I think “make her turn around” fits better. Like the idea of “it’s going to rain”, not sure you gave us enough about the boy for that to really hold significance like you wanted it to. Like, we need a tad more on his background to care.

• Ending is really good. Can you explain what you meant by ticking heart? I got that it has to do with driving people to make choices in regards to their relationships, but I might’ve missed whatever else you meant.

This song is technically stellar! Well-constructed, concise, and cute. My only major issue is that it feels like you sacrificed personal/emotional connection for the very technical, absent style here. Aurora did that, as well, this round, but it worked because his subject was non-human. Yours is a little harder to connect to because the subjects are human but they aren’t treated as such. Even when we want to describe people as autonomous and robotic, we need to empathize with them.

 

 

[Citrus]

My scores went from 2 to 9, with an average of 6.7 something.

[Jackson]

I agree with Citrus. He basically hit on everything I wanted the judges to ff, specifically praising the "ghost" line and berating my bridge which literally gave me a headache to write 

[ceremonials]

I cant @ the song I worked on for like 4 hours getting dragged and the one I wrote in 20 minutes getting decent reviews.

 

 

[ceremonials]

But thanks Citrus.