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Song of the Season 01 | Round 7: Cat's Waltz (pg. 179)

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Thank you for the reviews @minho and @ceremonials :weeps:

 

"Improvement from last round" is already high praise for a rusty writer like me :heart2:

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4 hours ago, ughgabriel said:

The beat drop in Sober II :jonny:

Perfect Places deserved to smash, I'm so mad the gp paid her dust during the era

Perfect Places was the perfect pop song on that album it made no sense :jonny: 

 

Still one of the best pop albums of the decade 

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thanks for the review @minho i really appreciate it. I'm glad you like the story and the tiny details I put in there. I'm also aware of some of the random imagery and the lengths of my lines and yes I'll be working on that. 

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okay guys, a dumb question but what exactly is a meter? :psyduck: I wikied it but I'm not quite clear about it

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30 minutes ago, Prisoner said:

okay guys, a dumb question but what exactly is a meter? :psyduck: I wikied it but I'm not quite clear about it

Basically it refers to the rhythmic patterns you form when writing a line / couplet. A line with good meter will flow well thanks to these patterns, and a line with inconsistent meter can be hard to read without a melody to accompany it.

 

For example:

 

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,

So long lives this, and this gives life to thee."

 

See how well that flows? That's because of the meter. Though it's worth nothing that it's also in iambic pentameter and a perfect rhyme, so that helps the flow a lot in addition.

 

I definitely wouldn't recommend writing in iambic pentameter or even just perfect meter but paying attention to your syllable count per line will help if you're having trouble with it.

 

Here's some different meter schemes for couplets if you're not sure where to start:

 

Iambic Pentamter - 10 syllables / 10 syllables (this is also an example of perfect meter - where both lines in a couplet are the same amount of syllables)

12 syllables / 12 syllables

12 syllables / 8 syllables

12 syllables / 6 syllables

10 syllables / 8 syllables

 

Even these are just guidelines. If you try to do 12 / 8 and accidentally hit 9 a few times, most likely no one will notice.

 

 

 

 

 

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Thanks for the review minho!

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ah, thank you 

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Thank you esteemed panel of judges!

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Thank you @minho for the review. You are right on. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just can’t write like I used to. But I’m working on it!!

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 (though ironically I felt like it would’ve been easy to do so with your song).

 

RIGHT? I thought I would slay the challenge brief but then I had to send my entry tas it was finished (as is the custom with me) and **** everything up

 

Honestly, I can't believe how well I did this round. I always toyed with the idea of writing songs based on a work of literature but, damn, this was a REALLY good first attempt by the looks of it.

 

4 hours ago, ceremonials said:

One thing I think that brings this down is that it feels a bit too much like poetry and not necessarily lyrical

Funny you should say that because back in R1, I said I think of my songs as poems first. Gotta commit to the game's title a bit more

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5 hours ago, ceremonials said:

@KatyCatPH, “The Ballad of the Sun God”

Wow, the callbacks. We stan. I thought the imagery was a little out of place at first, but I have to commend you for committing to it. I also like that it had some emotional weight to it with the themes of mortality and sacrifice. I think it makes the imagery really purposeful in that sense. The only real criticism I have is that the line/stanza you chose to repeat doesn’t really change by the end. It’s fine if you repeat it verbatim as you did, but hopefully with some new context from the rest of the song. Beyond nitpicks with the challenge, I don’t have many criticisms for you going forward.

Thanks Will! I know you'd remember the referenced song. That was the song I sent and got you to bring me back to PH11. :party:

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@minho Thank you for your review!

 

I don’t know how to explain it, but I wanted the pre-chorus to be lengthier than the actual chorus (while still making the chorus impactful in some kind of way, especially since I wanted the “run” part to be a repetitive theme throughout?). It made sense in my head :rip:

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This is a video game soundtrack I would LIKE to write to but don't think I ever will because I don't know WHAT I'd write to this

 

 

Iconic and surprisingly woke RPG game on LGBT people tho 

 

The preceding game (Trails In The Sky) also has a bisexual male main character who is honestly one of the best written video game characters of all time, BUT I still have my issues with that portrayal so I wouldn't praise it as much as in this game x ahead of its time regardless for a JRPG from 2004! 

 

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This little rendition was the inspiration behind my song, the arrangement is so beautiful 

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gOeIVWo.png

 

tumblr_psy1zzhXBA1we6z1vo1_540.gif

 

tumblr_psy1zzhXBA1we6z1vo2_540.gif

@boubour

 

Spoiler

This was a little short, but as someone who (thankfully recovered) from a cycle of emotions similar to this, I have to say you did an excellent job of portraying it. These are all very real feelings and you really accurately described it. I’ve lived through this exact mentality and mindset before, so reading it kinda felt like a window into my past, and I’m sure others would feel similarly if they read it too. I do think some of the lines didn’t land as well as others (the stress-eating line followed by ooh-nana just felt kinda corny, and the bridge wasn’t as well written as the chorus in my opinion). But your chorus was EXCELLENT, and I really loved the couplet about your comfort zone being your drug. Your first verse was also really strong, and reminisce/time-lapse were excellent language choices. This was really good, and a nice followup to your last round. I like that you’re not afraid of diving right into serious themes.

 

Favorite line(s)

 

My mind shutting out, my body feeling weak and empty, can’t do it that way
My soul longs for that lost feeling, I wanted to stay
My hopes falling down already, feeling numb and draining, I’m not okay
My soul longs for that lost feeling, I wanted to stay

 

My comfort zone is the drug that I don’t wanna let go of
Why should I get up, if happiness won’t fill my cup?

 

@carpetbeetle

 

Spoiler

Mess this was amazing :deadbanana4: I loved this a lot, actually. It was a little rough around the edges, and I don’t think I fully understood the meaning behind it, but it was such a fascinating song to read. I loved the concept, I loved the imagery, I loved how you just fully delivered and out of body galactic experience, and I loved the rise and fall of it. I also even loved the fact that I was kinda confused by the end of it, because it made me think and it made me feel. I do think that from a technical standpoint, you had some flaws with line deliveries. For example, sometimes your rhythm wasn’t consistent between lines due to length “Comets come from the sky on a starry night/And I can’t help but wonder why/They would leave the comfort of the cosmos to melt their cores on earth”. I also think there were some lines that could’ve been made stronger with better phrasing/word choices, like saying “I pass the Gods as I ascend to the heights” instead of highs (unless you were going for a hint about drugs, in which case I bop :eli: These are pretty minor for me though just because the way you wrote this was so charming. I really liked it a lot, and this showed to me that you’re extremely creative and will deliver amazing, outlandish, fantasy concepts in your songs, which makes me very excited to see more. Also, your lyricism was EXCELLENT. Some of those one liners… whew. Keep it up, and submit again, because I need more. 

 

Favorite Line(s)

 

Comets come from the sky on a starry night
And I can’t help but wonder why 

 

They would leave the comfort of the cosmos to melt their cores on earth

My lungs sing along to the symphony of silence 
The black depths of cold space leave ink marks on every page

 

I wanna feel the fall
I want to be in it all
One with the galaxies, taste the stardust on my tongue
And when I supernova
I hope I won’t forget to save a piece of myself to dip in the Milky Way before I depart

 

@Courtney Love

 

Spoiler

I liked this a lot. I do think that the drug thing and going to rehabilitation was kinda missed in the actual lyrics of the song, but I’m not grading on explanation so I don’t really mind. Something about the way you crafted this song was just really immersive for me. I liked that you had lines that bled into each other, I liked that you used commas to make your lines read more rhythmically, and I liked that you had a lot of powerful lyrics this time. I also enjoyed the sense of progression and descent into hopelessness as he ages, like how you added profanity in the latter half of the song to mark his growing frustration. A lot of your lyrics just spoke to me. “Till all becomes none” was SO powerful, and you had plenty of other lines that were just as strong, I just won’t name them because that would make this review too long since you had so many good ones. Honestly I really felt captured by this, excellent job.

 

Favorite Line(s)

 

I guess that I’m a fool for risking it all,
I tried to bury youth but it decided to crawl,
These 90 days have been some of the,
Longest, Hardest years of my life,
But I’m such a goddamn fool that I’ll just repeat it all,
Till all, becomes gone.

 

@Buyonce1814

 

Spoiler

Ngl I ****ing shouted at the description :rip: x1000 Anyway, I do think this fell a little bit flat in comparison to last week’s, not because there was less imagery, but just because the lyrics were kinda messy at times. Things like “unfathomable questions why” are just fragments rather than whole thoughts, and it could’ve been avoided if you used a shorter word than unfathomable. Or when you started repeating light it up, drink it up, in the bridge. But you also had really strong moments, like with the canvas metaphor and how he put a plaster on your broken heart just to rip it off. I think this song had highs and lows, but it was overall pretty solid. I think your verses were really strong especially. Sorry about the subject matter though, it really does sound like it was written about a **** :tsk: **** men. 

 

Favorite line(s) - i also liked the bird and prey line btw

 

Was he playing games from the start?
He painted my canvas with lies like art
He put a plaster on my broken heart.
And then he ripped it off and tore me apart.

 

@Mother Earth

 

Spoiler

NOT THE CHLOROFORM??????????????????????? :rip: This was a WHOLE lot. I can’t necessarily say I’m a fan of the morality here but…! It was clever and it was funny, so I was entertained. I do think that some of this fell on a little bit more shock value than your entry last week did, which served more wit and wordplay. But this also still had a lot of that, just with some more lines that didn’t quite land. When you’re serving bad bitch female rapper with a strap-on, phrasings like “you likely won’t go home” serve kinda nerdy and pull me out of the fantasy. For the most part, though, it was still iconic. The dill-do :deadbanana4: You had a lot of hilarious moments and I was honestly stanning even though I think your character should be put in jail. 

 

Favorite line(s)

 

Suck your pickle, call it my dill-do
Pumpernickel, ***** worth bread, no mill dough

 

My butt plug look like a sea urchin
I’mma let you iron out my beef curtains

 

I’m not talking that “Fashion!”, when I say I’m ethereal

 

@Rence

 

Spoiler

This was sweet. I liked the ambience of this - you did a good job at setting and maintaining a romantic mood, and then when the tone shifted to be more sad and lonely, you made a seamless transition. I do think that this song suffered from some continuity errors, though. The opening line says it’s 4 AM, but then it’s immediately 9 AM, but then it’s 8 PM? Except it only “feels like” 8 PM, except… it’s also a summer night and there are stars out? I loved the idea of “but who’s counting”, because I think the concept of being so in love that you lose track of time is adorable, but then you actually made it nighttime with the stars out, which kinda took that away. This isn’t really a massive issue though, since time didn’t play a major role in the song and it was more about the fleeting romance and capturing the feeling, and you did a splendid job of it. Your lyrics in the first half of the song were really moving, and it was easy to get wrapped up in the romance of it all. I do think it started to get a little shaky by the end, though. Phone on sight, going home I just cried, this was out of the line. Some of those lines just didn’t feel as strongly written as the first half. When following beautiful lines like “It was a perfect summer night/You and I were dancing near the street lights/Passing cars, chasing stars, going wherever we wanna go/Cause baby this is what our hearts know”, those just don’t shine quite as bright. Overall though, this was a MASSIVE improvement, and if you had ironed out some of the kinks, it could have easily been in my top 10 this week. You’re showing growth and a lot of potential, and I could see you rising up even higher next week if you stay on this track. Good job.

 

Favorite line(s)

 

It was a perfect summer night
You and I were dancing near the street lights
Passing cars, chasing stars, going wherever we wanna go
Cause baby this is what our hearts know

 

@Overprotected

 

Spoiler

Ugh. I honestly just really love your style of writing. So fragile and delicate. Anyway, this was a beautiful title to a song, and the way you incorporated it into the lyrics was enchanting. It was honestly really sad, but in a good way obviously, because it really gave the words meaning beyond just sounding pretty. I do think that some of the wordings were phrased poorly to fit rhyme schemes or just in general. For example, “Echoes would then group” could’ve been “Echoes traveling in groups/Racing down my spine to leave their mark” and would’ve sounded better. However, most of the time, it was absolutely beautiful, like with “Every single thing the mind spots forms a captivating world/Far different from the one I was running from when I came home/A vision ever so often overlooked/In the eyes of a quiet observer/Whose time to dream he thought was overdue”. I think you’re a genuinely amazing lyricist, and I’ve always found you to be quite underrated, because I think you’re really talented. This song was a little vague, but I kind of like the mystery of it. It also added to the creeping sense of numbness, because this person seems to be running from something more incorporeal rather than a tangible threat, which is exactly what mental illness/depression feels like. I honestly just liked it a lot, well done.

 

Favorite line(s)

 

Every single thing the mind spots forms a captivating world
Far different from the one I was running from when I came home
A vision ever so often overlooked
In the eyes of a quiet observer
Whose time to dream he thought was overdue

 

@beatinglikeadrum

 

Spoiler

This was different for you, or at least from what I’ve read of yours before. I liked that you tried to go with a more down to earth approach and maybe be a little bit more tender and vulnerable instead of the usual antics. I think that your lyricism had moments where it was powerful (anger sneaking in through the holes in the walls), but a lot of moments where the idea was stronger than the execution of the line (the flower and jewel lines, the hurricanes line, etc). The metaphors were there but they just weren’t fully fleshed out or written in a way that had enough draw. I do appreciate the creativity, though. I think that this song did kinda suffer from being a little bit rhythmically inconsistent - it seemed like you were going for a free verse approach, and as the poetry girl I get that, but you can still have rhythm with free verse. It wouldn’t have been too big an issue, but the lines were really long and they just got longer as the song went on, so it started to drag by the end. Either way, it was still a definite step up from the last round, flaws or not.

 

Favorite line(s)

 

Anger sneaked in through the holes in walls, later I realized what have I done. 
But it was too late, you were no longer with me, just because I didn't know how to swallow my pride

 

@Lorenzo22

 

Spoiler

I was into the edgy pop thing for a second, but the lyricism kinda started to unravel halfway through verse 1, and it just sort of plateaued from there. When you’re going for a song like this, you really need to commit to the tone so you can sell the fantasy of the song. If you’re in hell, you need lines that are harder and badder than being on the edge of your seat, protection spells, and “I don’t like being like this at all”. Either that, or if you’re going for a sadder growth approach, you need more lines that are more serious, lonely, angry, or sad than “Can you stop all the demons having fun”. As it stands, the concept was present, but the song just kinda didn’t have that lyrical pop essence it needed to feel fleshed out, and as a result, I wasn’t left feeling super immersed into it. I did like your first couplet though, more like that throughout the whole song would’ve made it stronger.

 

Favorite line(s)

 

I found hell in these streets
Smoke through my lungs, burning feet

 

@Bandito

 

Spoiler

I was kinda into this as a concept, with the pressure rising and falling whenever you’re around them. Usually I dislike repetitive choruses, but this one was done right, so I have no complaints with it, because it fit your central metaphor and you made the lyrics work with it in a way that didn’t feel overused. I do think that your verses kinda weren’t as strong, though, mostly because I felt that some of the lyrics didn’t land quite as well. I liked that you went for wordplay, but the “I gave myself insomnia” line just felt corny to me. The euphoria/dreams and strings/seams line were much stronger than that, but then the aftershave emanating around you was just kinda awkward again. Also, I don’t really know at what point in the song these two got together? The whole first and second verse talked about how they were someone you desired and dreamed of being with, and then by the end of verse 2 you’re suddenly embracing and then in the outro it says he’s finally yours. I mean I know gays move fast but whew. Overall, this has potential and I think you’re a good lyricist, it just needed a little editing to take it to the next level. It was still good, I just think it could’ve been even better with stronger line delivery.

 

Favorite line(s)

 

My head’s pulled apart by the seams
And my heart’s pulled apart by the strings
My sleep’s the greatest kind of euphoria
I stay wandering the most lucid place

 

@Auburn

 

Spoiler

Aw I’m sad that this was short because I actually REALLY loved what you had going here. This was really adorable, the way they took the plunge to meet them on the other side of the country and left everything behind because they were so in love, and then the lines about them being her favorite tour guide and taking her to their favorite spot. I really have nothing negative to say about this other than the length, it was just really sweet. I can’t put it in my top 10 since it needed just a little more development, but it’s DEFINITELY still placing high, just so we’re clear on that. Truly a charming little song.

 

Favorite line(s)

 

Seeing you on the other side, I knew
Being with you is everything I thought
The perfect tour guide for me to follow
And you took me to your favorite spot

 

@Pamela Pepper

 

Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler

Pamela Pepper

Honestly this bordered on offensive and I wasn’t a fan. 

Favorite line(s)

🤷‍♀️

 

 

 

@nina_

 

Spoiler

You better submit next week because I think you’d snap with a fully finished song :heart2: 

 

Favorite line(s)

 

I’ll tell you that I love you 
When my words deserve you 
And the space between us straitened 
And my lungs are filled with your nicotined exhalation

 

@KatyCatPH

 

Spoiler

Quick note, you’re is not a contraction of you were, but you are. So the song sounded a bit awkward since that hook was repeated multiple times with you’re being misused. I’m not taking major points off or anything though since I knew what you meant, it’s just a future reference thing.

 

As for the actual review, I actually thought this was pretty cute. I did think that the opening stanza was kinda weak, just because light and blindness is a bit of a cliche and those lyrics didn’t do anything new with that concept. But your second stanza was better, and then the chorus hit and I was REALLY stanning, I won’t lie. I think that was a good example of your capability with lyricism. Living the rest of immortality carrying the weight of that and saying you would sacrifice godhood to have them back, whew. The second chorus wasn’t quite as strong since felicity was definitely a word you just shoehorned in for the rhyme, but it was still really good. Overall, this was a little on the short end, but I actually enjoyed it quite a bit, even though your intro and outro definitely could’ve been stronger. If you’re going to use cliches, try to make a unique spin on them rather than just simply stating “you were my light and I was blind without you”. Add a metaphor or use different imagery or something to differentiate it. Your choruses still SLAPPED though, whew :smitten: 

 

Favorite line(s)

 

I'll live the rest of my immortal life
Carrying this eternal agony
If only I could turn back the hands of time
Or give away my immortality

To have you back for even just a day

 

@EmojiClothes

 

Spoiler

Honestly I’m just gonna keep it short, this was funny and I loved it. The way it was so nonsensical from the start, then randomly got serious for a minute in the second verse, and then it was back to that MESSY but iconic chorus. The whiplash this gave me, I loved it :ahh: You had a lot of clever lyrics and a lot of funny lines, and even your description for the song sent me :toofunny3: The migos one :toofunny3: 

 

Favorite line(s) 

 

Don’t judge me, cause I might cry!
Just kidding bitch, I just lied.

 

Sorry, did I just cross the line?
Hold on I think I’ll just blame my sign.
Like most of you girls do after you Twitter fuss.
“Can you believe I said that? Such an Aquarius.”

 

As for me? I live out with the rednecks,
Atlanta’s home, but life there costs a paycheck.
I hope someday I get to go back home though,
I’m tired of being asked if I know any of the Migos.

 

@Sizzily

 

Spoiler

This was a little too short for me to have much of an opinion on, but I still managed to be shocked. So in that regard, good job for doing a lot with a little, because my mouth was definitely open the entire time I was reading this. Next time, try to give it a little more length, because I don’t even know if this was 50 words long, so that just makes judging harder when comparing it to songs that are like 5x longer.

 

Favorite line(s)

 

Make me understand
Tears hang by strands
I want to be in your hands

 

@STONE

 

Spoiler

I liked this, even though it was a little half-baked (mostly since it was rushed like you said). Some of the lines like “Leave me today, maybe next day?” just don’t sound good, for example. However, up until that line, the first verse/pre chorus/chorus was really solid, and was very effective in explaining your feelings and capturing the mood. It’s definitely a message we’ve all related to at some point or another, and you did a good job at illustrating it, even if you fell back on some maze/escape cliches. I really liked the line about decaying and turning gray, especially since it’s kinda contrasting with the rainbow idea of the gay community. 

 

Favorite line(s)

 

All my life I been living in a maze
I can't seem to find the way to escape
A man with no identity no I'm not okay
Left me in gray, till I decay

 

@CountryBritney

 

Spoiler

I probably would’ve #1’d this if it was complete tbh. The storytelling, the emotion, the sweetness but forlorning feeling of sadness. It was REALLY good, and I could tell it was personal before I even read the explanation. I really felt like I connected with this entry, even though it wasn’t my own experience, because you did such a good job of illustrating it that I could empathize as if it were. Really amazing job. You should finish this sometime just for the sake of it, because it’s so good and deserves to be finished later whether it’s for a game or just for you to read. Thank you for submitting, and thank you for feeling comfortable to share something this personal with us. :date3: 

 

Favorite line(s) - all of them

 

‘Daddy’s gone, didn’t even leave a letter’ :cries:

 

@Ryan

 

Spoiler

This was slightly underdeveloped just due to length things, but I think you had a solid foundation going here. I will say, there are some things you did hear that you might want to avoid in the future - rhyming the same word (part/part, heart/heart), using language that doesn’t fit the tone (‘tween doesn’t really sound conversational and this song was conversational, “desperate for your love shown anyway” doesn’t sound natural, etc), and being redundant (inside of my fractured heart/inside of my broken heart right in a row). However, I really liked the title of the song, and I think the measuring idea would’ve been cool if you delved deeper into it. But still, the way your character grew and started to demand better treatment for themselves and decided to leave when they weren’t being treated right was good, and I liked that you made the choruses change to reflect that, along with the outro. I think if you had a little more length, there would’ve been more room to fully flesh this out, but as it stands it was still pretty solid, if slightly flawed.

 

Favorite line(s)

 

Always only us is what I’d say
Desperate for attention you’d throw my way
Done justifying why I continued to stay
I know I deserve more anyway

 

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lmao okay next time ill be pretentious and add lines no one would ever sing and add some rainbows and bows to it :rip: 

 

thank you for the critiques for those who critiqued the song!!!!! appreciate your words and feedback and advise for those who did so

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to be fair we're more open to poetic styles than we may appear 

 

Anyway, doing results in like an hour! :katie2: 

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I can confirm my attendance

 

lcJ9dRu.gif

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My impact is so unreal like honestly I shake myself sometimes!

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2 minutes ago, minho said:

 

@ceremonials I SNAPPED.

This is DARK magic, begone demon.

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Just now, ceremonials said:

This is DARK magic, begone demon.

jL3NOed.jpg

 

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